The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 11 - Where There's a Will - full transcript

For Auld Lang Syne my boys,

For Auld Lang Syne, we'll
taste a cup of kindness yet,

for the sake For Auld Lang Syne.

And now buddy.

Jeez fellows, I'm
going to miss you.

With this $100 which you
get according to the rules

of the platoon,
"Help a Buddy Fund,"

we send you into
civilian life with memories.

Over hill over dale we
will hit the dusty trail..

Memories, memories;
remember your first 20 mile hike;

remember how your feet hurt
and I used to let you wear sneakers.



Did he ever pay for the
rental of those sneakers?

- No.
- How much was that?

- $8.
- $8, that's right.

$8 Sarge.

Should old
acquaintance be forgot...

Memories, memories
of the barracks,

well the mem, don't
cry on the money.

The memories of the barracks
that you spent with your buddies,

did he pay the bunk tax?
- $12.

- Ah, let me see, latrine toll?
- 140 times 10 cents, $14.

- Smoking license.
- $2.

- What does that come to?
- $28.

- $28?
- $28?

Jingle bells, jingle
bells jingle all the way.



Oh listen to that,
remember the fun

we used to have at
the Christmas party?

- Yeah, what fun?
- The fun we had.

Do you remember you
fell into the Christmas tree

and knocked it over?

What was the breakage on that?

- $9.
- $9.

$9?

Should old
acquaintance be forgot...

Memories, memories, do
you remember the bivouac?

- Oh the bivouac!
- Wasn't it fun eh buddy?

How does he stand on that?

Rental of sleeping bag $5,
tent and cooking utensils $5,

permit to build a fire $6.

What about water?

For water you
made them pay cash.

Oh I see, now what
does that come to?

- $25.
- $25 makes us even.

Even? But I.

Aloha Wau la

Farewell buddy,
farewell to the other world.

We'll remember
you in our hearts.

God speed, good luck buddy.

Did he wet the money?

That's some fund,
"Help a Buddy Fund."

Yeah. It's easier to get money

out of Fort Knox
with a can opener.

Now wait a minute,
what's with your guys?

Greg Chickering
is a civilian now.

What would that
$100 mean to him?

It just put him in a
higher tax bracket,

and who gets the tax
money? Uncle Sam.

What does Uncle Sam
do with the tax money?

He spends it on soldiers.

- What are we?
- Soldiers!

See, all I did was
eliminate the middleman!

Simple! You know we know.

We've got to replenish
the welfare fund.

Is that rookie here, the
kid with the freckles?

Yes Sarge.

We'll start a pool on how
many freckles the kid has.

All right, you all
have got your bet.

Ritzik you've got your bet in?
- Yeah.

Now are you sure you
never saw this kid before.

Are you kidding
me, he is a recruit.

He just checked
in 15 minutes ago.

- Okay - No, no, hold it.

$15 for on the boy from
my Signal Corps Platoon.

What number?
- We'll take 175 freckles.

Put down Signal Corps, 175.

Are we all decided?
Go ahead, count.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Hey Sarge, hey Sarge.

Wait a minute. I know
but look, come here.

I just picked up this Detroit
paper in the dayroom.

The will of the late
Abner Chickering,

industrialist, to be read
Wednesday, that's today.

Chickering? Yeah.

Is that the kid that was?

Yeah, yeah, the uncle
of Gregory Chickering,

who used to be in our platoon.

Look here is his name,
Gregory Chickering.

He's one of the few heirs.

- Gregory Chickering?
- Yeah.

He's going to be a millionaire.

Hey maybe he'll remember his
buddies when the dough rolls in.

Are you kidding me?

The only thing he remembers
is the 4 years he spent with us

and wound up broke.

Thanks to a certain Sergeant
who shall be nameless.

What do you want from me?

How did I know he's
going to be a millionaire?

He dressed like us.
He ate the same food.

How else was he going to dress?

Well, I mean he gave no
indications of being nervous.

I mean I've been
around heirs before.

The minute a Western
Union Boy shows up

they start putting
on a black arm band.

I mean I never even got him
once reading the obituary column.

I read the obituary columns

and I come from a long
and broken line of paupers.

Hey get $20 out
of the welfare fund.

Right Sarge.

- Why?
- Flowers.

We've got to show him
we want to share his grief.

Yeah, but Sarge it's
too late to be nice to him.

What do you mean too
late? I was always nice to him.

Didn't I treat him exactly

like any other
member of this platoon?

Yeah.

You're right.

It's too late, back
to the freckles.

"I Abner Chickering being
sound of mind and body"

Poor uncle Abner!

Gregory, control yourself!

"Bequeath, bequeath to my
beloved nephew Alfred and his wife

Agnes my townhouse
and all its possessions.

To my loving niece, Hester
Reeves and her husband Carl,

I leave my automobiles.

And finally to my nephew
Gregory Chickering,

who thought more
of going into the Army

than learning the
family business,

I leave $1 and
my parrot Cyclops.

- $1?
- And the parrot.

But I was one of
my uncle's favorites.

Now please.

Now for the disposition,
Mr. Chickering,

here are the keys to the house.

Mrs. Reeves, here
are the keys to the car.

Gregory, here's some
seed for the parrot.

Well, there must
be some mistake.

Cousin Alfred, it
was you who said

that uncle Abner wanted
me to go into the Army.

- Nonsense my boy, come dear.
- But you did!

It's too late for your tears
Gregory, 4 years in the Army

and you didn't even
write to him one letter.

Not one letter, I wrote
every single week, Hester.

Oh Cousin Hester, you
always opened the mail

for uncle Abner at the
factory, didn't you see them?

- I, I never saw anything from you.
- Come Carl.

But that's impossible.
I wrote every week.

Oh Mr. Garner, they
poisoned his mind against me.

Look son, I wouldn't accuse
anybody unless I had proof.

$1 and a parrot? Isn't
there anything I can do?

Gregory as a
lawyer I must tell you,

they have blocked
all avenues of escape.

There must be
someone I can turn to.

Well, I'm afraid it would
take a special type of a genius

to out-fox those
cousins of yours.

- Special type of genius?
- Yes.

A master conniver,
an ingenious finagler,

a man with honey on his tongue
and larceny in his heart kid.

Then you know Sgt. Bilko.

Sergeant who?

Bilko. May I use
your phone please?

Long distance, give
me Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Gregory the legal
fees on the will cases

isn't as large as people think.

- I understand.
- Yeah.

Reverse the charges please.

Yeah, yes.

All right here is my
$20. Okay, here is my 20.

- Is that a bet?
- It's a bet.

Wait a minute.

Get the conditions
of the bet first.

You say that the next
guy entering the barracks

is going to have
a ring in his nose?

- Right!
- A ring in his nose?

Bet him! Bet him!

Hey, that's impossible.

Look, don't get me
with the impossible.

I'm dull. I don't
care what I got.

I bet on any crazy
thing, is it a bet?

- Okay, it's a bet.
- There we go.

Hey Sarge, Sarge.

You're in the wrong
barracks, get out!

Hey, wait a minute.

He, he is the first guy
who entered the barracks.

And he ain't got
a ring in his nose!

- Hey, we win.
- Hey chump we win!

Silly jerk didn't I tell
you to stay out of here

until the bet was made.

But Sarge, there is a long
distance telephone call for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

Who is it from?

From Gregory
Chickering in Detroit.

- The millionaire?
- Yeah.

The millionaire has called.

Didn't I tell you, you
said I wasn't nice to him?

Ah come on! Come on!

Now Sarge?

Where is everybody?

- Here he comes.
- All right thank you.

Hallo, hallo, please.

Hallo operator,
yes this is Sgt. Bilko.

I can't hear you.

He must be calling
ship to shore,

his yacht maybe
in choppy waters.

Hallo operator, yes I can
hear you now, what is that?

Will I accept the call?

You mean he
reversed the charges.

So what, you can't put
$100 into a coin box.

- Yeah that's right.
- Yes, operator.

I'll be glad to accept
those charges, thank you.

Hallo, hallo Greg! I miss
you, how are you boy?

How are you, baby boy?

Ernie, you're the
only one I can turn to.

They just read the will and
all I got was $1 and a parrot.

Gregory will you
talk a little louder

it's a bad connection.

Heck I swear I heard you say,

all you got was $1 and a parrot.

What? That's what you did?

Operator there is some mistake
about accepting the charge.

You've got the wrong number.

This is the San Francisco
Opera House company,

we're doing Rigoletto.

Sarge, Sarge listen,
maybe the kid is in trouble.

Why else would he call
me unless he is in trouble?

These things happen
and, yeah I'll take it.

Go ahead, Greg
tell me the problem.

Sarge, I know my uncle loved me,

but they poisoned
his mind against me.

Look, Greg if
you're going to cry,

cry after 6 o'clock,
the rates are lower.

Now pull yourself...
Cry me the whole story.

Go ahead.

Well, my, my cousin Alfred
told me to join the Army

and my cousin Hester
she puts off my mail.

Which cousin was that?

My cousin Hester didn't
give uncle Abner an apology.

Well, is the lawyer
to be trusted?

I don't know.

Come on, come on!
I've got to catch a train.

Hey Sarge, are you
really going to Detroit.

It's the least I can do.

I've got to see that Chickering
gets his legal inheritance.

That jerky kid he's
been with me 4 years,

you think you'd learn
never to trust anybody.

- Okay Sarge, you're all packed.
- Okay.

I'll put in the jeep.

- Now pack your bag.
- Mine?

- You're going with me.
- Me?

Come on!

I've got to get some
help around here.

I'm dealing in millions.

Now let me see, who's
got a 3 day pass coming?

Doberman and Fleischman.

Fine, that's great. I'm
shooting for high stakes.

I end up with a pair of deuces.

All right, Doberman pack
your bag, you pack your bag.

You're coming
with me to Detroit.

Detroit? I don't want to spend

my 3 days pass
in Detroit, Sarge.

Now listen to him,

did you ever hear
of Detroit F.O.B?

Do you know what
F.O.B stands for?

Sure.

Full of Blondes!
Full of Blondes!

Who's been talking to him,

he came here a
sweet, innocent kid.

Look at him now
a rake. Go ahead.

- Pack your stuff we're going.
- Come on Sarge, I don't want to.

Why must I always keep
bickering with underlings!

You heard the Sergeant,
Detroit. Hurry up Doberman.

Good boy, now pack
your bag Henshaw.

- Me?
- Yeah.

I don't know anybody in Detroit.

- You know Doberman?
- Yeah.

He'll be there. All right cool.

But Sarge, what plan
are you going to use

on those crooked cousins?

I've been thinking about,
let me see. I think I got it.

They've just gotten newly rich.

They'll be suckers for culture.

That's it! I'll sell them
an original Rembrandt.

Is Cpl. Sam Rembrandt
still with the kitchen platoon?

- No, he was transferred.
- Now that's out.

Hey, have I got
any of that phoney

South American
Uranium stock left?

- Phoney?
- You sold it all to us.

Okay, I just wanted to
see if you boys are alert.

- Hey Sarge, what about that stock?
- Hold on to it!

But you said we'd make millions.

I just got a wire from
the President of Peru,

they're starting to excavate.

The Inca people are helping
them come down from the mines

and they're digging furiously.

Come on! Fleishman,
Doberman, come on let's go.

Give me time.

I haven't picked my
comic books for the trip yet.

Train No.76 to
Midwestern from Omaha,

we've arrived on
schedule on Track 34.

All passengers changing
from Toronto, Saskatchewan.

Hey Sarge, there he
is. Hey Greg! Hey Greg!

Told you, all you had
to do was call, right?

Hey Sarge.

Oh here we go again
with the bit, come here.

Look, we haven't got much time.

I've got to find out
all the information

I can quickly
about your relatives.

Where, where is Doberman?
- He's right over...

Jerk, I told you to keep an
eye on him, this is a big city.

If they find him wandering
around, they'll put him in a pound.

There he is.

Do you have Elvis
Presley In Outer Space?

Doberman, stick with
the group like I told you.

- But I don't have it.
- Stick with the group.

Keep an eye on him.
I've gotta find out quickly.

Your relatives are
they sporting people?

I mean, would they bet
on a fixed horse race?

No, they never play the
races. Well, that's that out.

How about, would they buy a
mink coat without seeing it first?

No, well I've got to think.

Ah, if I, if I get the,
where is Doberman?

Did I tell you to keep
an eye on him didn't I?

Where is he?
- Dobe! Doberman!

No it's an even trade.

Two Mickey Mouses for
one Donald Duck okay?

Come on! Come on
Doberman, come on!

Sshh Sarge, I've got a
sucker about to be fleeced.

- Okay. It's a deal.
- Okay here..

Listen, I'll tell you what.
Stick with the group.

Hey Sarge, did you
see the way I handled it?

Oh that was so good.

- Oh no.
- What's the matter?

She took me. What do you mean?

She slipped in a
National Geographic!

Hey kid.

Will you keep an eye on him?

Sarge, did you
think of anything yet?

Yes, Doberman
just gave me an idea.

We'll make a trade.

A trade? What I've got to trade?

The parrot.

- Cyclops?
- Cyclops?

That's what they call him,
because he only has one eye.

One eye or not they're going
to be anxious to get that parrot.

They'll trade you
anything to get it.

- Leave it to me.
- I don't understand.

If you understood, it
wouldn't be any good.

Let me see now. Where
are your relatives now?

They're probably over
Uncle Abner's house.

I've got the address and
phone number, Sarge.

All right, check. Now
you don't start, hold it!

Hold it!

If you want to do any
crying, go down to the Y

where you registered, we'll
call you when we want you.

Come on. Now
we've got to move fast.

Let's go.

Come on; come on before
she gets your uniform.

Why don't you pick on
somebody your size, miss.

Where to Sarge?

First thing we do, we get
out these clothes, right?

- Right Sarge.
- Then a quick rehearsal.

Do you know how to
take the phony punch.

- Yeah.
- Let me try it.

That's it.

- Let go!
- Don't let them have it Hester.

No, no. It's part of the estate.

We've got half the estate.

Don't think you can pull that.

You're not talking to a
sap like Cousin Gregory.

Oh we want is something to
remember beloved uncle Abner by.

Good, then take the portrait.

Well, I don't want that
ugly old picture in my house.

I'll take this.
- Oh no, you don't!

Who can that be?

This house has been
closed up for 2 years.

See who it is.

Oh!

- Oh is there anything I can.
- Shut up.

See here, you
can't just break into.

Shut up!

Now just keep perfectly
still and nobody will get hurt.

There must be some mistake.

This is the home of the
late Abner Chickering.

Chickering?

So, that's the name
Hard Rock went by, huh?

Hard Rock? Shut up!

- Where is it?
- Where is what?

Shut up! Wherever
it is, I'll find it.

I'll find it! That's for me.

Hello, yeah. This is a weasel.

I didn't find yet, but
it's here and I'll find it.

There is nobody here but
a group of stupid relatives.

What, yes.

Now get ready to sail,
the minute I get it we're off.

You've got the crew together?

No Ears? The beast?

The hook? The Rat?

Don't tell anybody but the
Rat he's the only one I can trust.

Yes, I'll find it.

Don't you worry I'll find
it and away we go with it.

All right Hard Rock.

I'll find it. If it's
here I'll find it.

Thought you had
the last laugh on me,

didn't you Hard Rock?

I'm the last one
of the gang left,

you left me for dead on
an anthill in the Gobi desert.

But you didn't figure on
my wonder camel Zimmum,

who nursed me back
to health and untied me,

and you're dead and I'm alive.

I'm going to
find it. Yes find it.

We've got to find
it before he does.

Find what?

Whatever it is your uncle
hid from the rest of his gang.

Oh gang, Uncle Abner
was a timid little man.

I don't think he
ever left Detroit.

Whatever it is we've
got to find it first?

Yes.

I'll find it Hard Rock.

Wherever you put it
Hard Rock I'll find it.

Don't you worry about
that, I'll find it Hard Rock.

You're never gonna outsmart me.

Excuse me Maybe
we can help you find it.

Find what?

Well, if you just tell us
what you're looking for?

- Shut up!
- Oh!

Get this straight right away
I'm not sharing this with anybody.

I didn't travel
half-way around world.

I didn't outwit 30 secret
polices in different countries.

Now sir, it's all mine.
I'm the last one left.

The last one left.

You weren't the
last one left, Weasel.

- Wolf Larsson.
- Yeah.

Hello, Wolf I didn't notice.

Ah, I wouldn't Reach
Weasel, grab some sky.

Surprised to see me? Surprised?

Why should I be surprised?

No reason, except you pushed me

into a tiger pit in
the middle of Africa.

Now look, you know what I mean.

Eeh, you thought those tigers

would take care
of me, didn't you?

But one thing you
didn't figure out

that I'd be saved
in the nick of time

by a passing band
of friendly Mau Mau's.

Oh those friendly Mau Mau's!

Yeah, they nursed
me back to health.

Now look, Wolf, you know
I was under instructions

from Hard Rock.

Shut up! Say your prayers.

- Is this it?
- Yeah.

All right, Wolf let
me go out like a man.

Give me a cigarette.
- Yeah okay.

Thanks Wolf I know you...

Hand me that gun,
give me that gun!

All right, say
your prayers Wolf.

All right, Weasel, kill me.

Make the biggest
mistake of your life.

What do you mean?

If you kill me you'll never find
Hard Rock's map of the island.

Ah, they don't know
about the island!

They didn't hear
me say nothing about

Hard Rock's map of the island.

All right, keep talking.

I've got half of the map see,

and I am the only one who
knows where the other half is.

If you kill me, you'll never
find where Hard Rock buried it.

All right Wolf, you've
bought yourself a pardon.

Where is the other
half of the map?

Now you're getting
smart, right here.

This is what I've been.

Come to the next room.

Walls have ears
and let nobody move.

Did you hear that?

Uncle Abner buried
it on an island.

Buried what?

- It's ours! It's ours!
- What?

I don't know,
we've got to find it.

Oh yes, we've got to find it.

- Looking for something?
- Oh no.

Look, we were just
straightening up the house.

We'll be out of
here in a minute.

Find the map.
- Right.

It's the wall safe right
behind this picture.

What wall safe? Are
you double crossing me?

I swear to you Weasel,

I was told it was in the
safe behind that picture.

Who told you? Was it the Turtle?

- Yeah.
- He is a liar.

Yeah.

Let me see where did you
get your half of your map from?

- From Hilda.
- Hilda?

- Yeah.
- Hong Kong, Hilda.

- Yeah.
- That crazy hunk of stuff,

who used to sing
in the Half Cast joint.

Are you nuts? She's
Crazy China Charlie's girl.

Why would she give
you half of the map?

If she gave it to anybody,

she would give it to
Crazy China Charlie.

Why dig him up just
to give him a map?

What do you mean?

I had to Weasel he
knew about the duchess.

The Duchess! Who told
him about The Duchess?

- Was it No Ears Schmidt?
- Who could tell No Ears?

He heard it from me.
Crazy China Charlie.

Look Charlie, I
want to talk to you.

- Show me your half of the map.
- What good is half a map to you?

- Because I've got the other half!
- Where did you get it?

The Eskimo gave it to me.

The Eskimo, you'll never figure
on the obvious, the Eskimo.

Now look, you don't
want this half of the map.

Give me that map!

There is enough
here for the rest of us?

There is certainly is, $30
million worth of diamonds.

- What?
- $30 million worth of diamonds!

Quiet they'll hear you!

I want to tell you something
Charlie I always liked you.

This may come as
a surprise to you.

But if I ever had a son,
I was going to call him,

Crazy China Charlie Junior.

Give me the map!

- The knife.
- The map.

I'll give you the
map for the knife.

It's a deal.

I got the map! I got the map!

- I've got the knife.
- And I got a gun!

I'll give you the
knife for the gun.

- Drop the gun.
- Aw!

Now to put the 2 halves
of the maps together.

- What's wrong?
- Look!

It shows the outline of
an island with an X on it,

some crazy foreign writing.

There is no writing, no nothing.

That's funny. Quiet!

There must be a million islands.

Maybe there is a clue in
these maps where the island is.

Hey Charlie, who did
you kill to get the map?

Singapore Sam.

Singapore Sam, hey
Weasel did you hear that?

Singapore Sam is dead.

Singapore Sam, wait a minute.

Isn't he the one who works for?

- Oh no.
- The Fat Man.

- I'm going to get out of here!
- Me too!

Wait for me.

- Wait a minute, Manuel.
- Silencia! Silencia!

We're trying to get.

- Silencia!
- Tell fat.

Silencia!

Good evening.

Well, well gentlemen, I'm
so glad you could come.

Look Fat Man, we
wouldn't double cross you.

If we know you're involved.

You made me dirty an
excellent pair of gloves.

Now what have we here?

Wasn't I the one
who always said.

- Silence!
- The maps belong to you Fat Man.

You're the only one who
can decipher the code.

Silence! This is interesting.

What is it Fat Man?

Mongolian hieroglyphics
my native tongue.

To find exactly where
the treasures lie,

ask Cyclops who has one eye.

Wait a minute there
is no guy in this Caper

with one eye Fat Man.

- Maybe they know something.
- Let me interrogate them.

- No, let me.
- But Sarge.

Ah, he remembers my name
from an Old Russian bank job,

Sgt. Kluzewaki.

The Fat Man wants to know,

you've got any heirs or
relatives with one eye?

Cyclops, Gregory was the...

What was that that you said?

What?
- Nothing. Nothing.

We're up against a stone wall.

They won't talk Fat Man!
What do I do with them?

Oh let them go.

All right beat it and thank
your lucky stars that the

Fat Man is in a good
mood, you didn't see nothing.

- No.
- You don't know nothing, out!

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Cyclops!
- That's it.

Uncle taught the parrot to
say the name of the island,

- It's ours.
- But it's Gregory parrot!

You idiot, he doesn't
know it's worth millions.

Oh quick let's get to him it.

We'll give him the house.
We'll give him our cars.

- Yes! Yes!
- Come on

Boys you were magnificent.

Doberman, what was
that, with the "But Sarge."

- But Sarge.
- Oh shut up!

Hello? Hello.

Is this the Y, let me speak
to Gregory Chickering.

Hey Sarge, when said "One
Eye" and their faces lit up.

All right, it's over.
Hallo, hallo Gregory.

I've got to talk fast.
This is Sgt. Bilko.

Now hear me, I can
only tell you once,

we've got to catch the
train back to the camp.

Now look, your beloved cousins

are on their way
over there to see you.

Now look, they want that parrot.

Don't ask me why they want it.

But don't give it to them unless

you get the rest of the estate,
the house, the car, the works.

Everything is yours,
if you play it right.

Papparelli, Zimmerman,
Mullen, Fender, is that all?

That's it Sarge.
Do you like that?

Not one postcard,
not one postcard!

Here I am practically laid
an inheritance in his lap.

Do you think he would
write and show his gratitude?

No.

You know what I think
of Gregory Chickering,

he's just a no good, ungrateful.

Sarge, look!

Gregory baby I'm
just talking about you.

Boys, I'm going to
share the inheritance

with all of you equally.

Is that heart? Heart.

You don't have to.

How much did it come to, I
mean the cars, the house?

Sarge, I've been
around you too long

to fall for that kind of stuff.

- What do you mean?
- My cousin Hester blurted it out.

We've got 30
million coming to us.

Oh we've got to go
through all this again.

Who's got a 3 day pass?

All right, you're Arem,
a Syrian rug dealer

with a secret pattern
woven into ah Persian rug.

Sarge, this parrot knows
where our fortune is buried.

Yeah.

You're Abdullah, secret son of
a chief from the Northern tribe.

Announcer: Also seen
in tonight's cast were:

Bruce Kirby as
Gregory Chickering.

Members of the family
were played by Abby Lewis,

Martha Greenhouse, Bert
Thorn and Ben Lackland.

Harry Bannister
was the attorney.