The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 10 - Doberman's Sister - full transcript

It's Fort Baxter Day at the camp. It's tradition for the platoon to date each other's sisters. Doberman's sister is without a date. Bilko can't find anyone to date Duane's sister, that is until he invents the mythical Musselman's Law.

Now listen you
guys, remember this.

This weekend, this barracks
is open to your families.

Do you understand?

I'll have no gambling,
no swearing.

I want culture, and songs,
hymns, sing a lot of hymns.

- Sarge!
- What?

Sarge, nobody turned in
the names of their dates yet.

Oh come on, fellows do I
have to think of everything?

Come on!

Now, whom of you guys haven't
got dates for the weekend?

All right, how many of you
guy's sisters who are coming,



haven't got dates?

Oh come on fellows,
start making trades!

Now, I want couples dancing
in my "Hello Parents" dance!

Your parents didn't
come hundreds of miles

to see you dancing
with each other.

You all have got sisters.

Come on, get
those sisters moving!

Well, do you want
to take my sister Roc?

Let's see her picture again?

Oh, she's lost 14
pounds since then.

- I don't know.
- Well, ask Papparelli.

He took her out last year.
He had a wonderful time.

Hey Papparelli.

How come you've got
such a young sister?



Did you take out
Kadowski's sister last year?

- Yeah.
- Well?

She has lost 14
pounds since then.

Forget it Kadowski.
I'm taking a shower.

How about Trudy?

When was this picture
taken? It looks kind of yellow.

On my last furlough. That's
me with my arm around her.

Last furlough eh. What war?

What do you mean?

How come you've got
such a full head of hair?

Look, if you're
not interested...

See me next year when I'm
a little older and more settled.

- Very funny!
- Hey, Fleishman.

Well Sugie, what do you say?

Are sure this isn't
the same sister

you hooked me with last year?

No, this is my other sister.

Are you sure
this is your sister?

Looks an awful
lot like Eartha Kitt.

- Would I lie to you?
- Would you lie to me?

Last year you showed
me a picture of Lena Horne.

Look, Sugie make up your mind.

- Yes or no?
- What do you say?

Come on, make up your
mind. What do you think?

Not bad.

Are you sure that's your brother
with his arm on your sister?

Yeah. Looks an
awful lot like you.

Like me? You're kidding?

He's got a full head of hair.
Come on, what do you say?

Hey, is that a horse
in the background?

Yeah.

How come it's
pulling a streetcar?

- Hey, Mullen.
- Yeah?

- You've got a date yet?
- Nope.

Hey, did you see my sister Trudy
when she was here last year?

- Yeah. Why?
- Nothing.

Formation, look alive.

All right time is up.

Come on, let me fill in
those names for the dates.

- Papparelli.
- Sorry, Sarge.

I couldn't find anything.

Oh give us a little
time, will you Sarge?

A little time, is this
a little stalling tactics.

Let me tell you one thing,

this weekend I will
tolerate no wall flowers.

- Sarge, Sarge!
- What's the matter?

Doberman just got a phone call!

- Yeah.
- It's murder!

What is it? What?

Doberman's sister is coming!

Doberman's sister
is coming here?

Freeze!

Freeze you miserable
meatballs. How dare you?

For all you know, she
maybe a very lovely girl,

and a guy will be lucky
to have a date with her.

- Hey fellows! Fellows!
- Let me out of here.

- Guess what?
- What?

- Sarge!
- Your sister is coming I know.

I've got to fill out
the duty roster...

- Her name is Diane.
- Isn't that a lovely name.

Let me get out of here.

Sarge, look I told her
so much about you.

I wondered if you'd like
to take her out on a date.

Sarge, you've got a
date with Joan Hogan.

Bless you! Yes, that's right!

Yes, do you remember
Joan Hogan is my steady date!

Oh gee, I forgot.

Say, Stash. Yeah.

My sister... Ah, ah

I'm taking Fleischman's sister.

- You are?
- Put me down, Sarge.

- Say, eh.
- I'm taking Dillingham's sister.

- Claude.
- What?

Well I'm going
with Gomez's sister.

Say, Fleischman, how about you?

Could you take my...

Sorry Duane, I'm, I'm
taking Fender's sister.

Wait a minute, I'm taking her.

You guys are
crazy. I'm taking her.

Will you take my sister?

Yours? Anything.
I'll take anything.

Say Gomez, you know my sister.

Ah, I'm taking
Papparelli's sister.

- Hey, Zimmerman.
- Hey, Doberman.

- Have you heard?
- What?

My sister is coming.

- Fellows, you...
- Sarge.

Can I ask you something.

Do you think
anybody at the dance

will be wearing a
cumberbund like that?

- They wouldn't dare.
- You're not kidding.

When I sashay in,
you know... What?

Duty rosters.

Doberman, you've got a
date for your sister yet?

Oh look, Duane, I just
thought of a wonderful idea.

When your sister joins you,
you and her can join Joan and I,

and we'll see the
parade together,

we'll go to the dance together.

Thanks Sarge but that's
not like having a date, is it?

I know. But it's
kind of something.

Well, all the other fellows'
sisters will have dates.

Ernie, there is
nothing you can do.

Yes, there is.

Now, tell me who
hasn't got a date yet?

Zimmerman!

It figured that little sneaky
he is waiting for the last minute

so that he can make a
better deal for himself.

I know how his mind works.

Zimmerman will be
taking Doberman's sister.

- Oh but Sarge.
- Put his name down.

Zimmerman!

Sarge, you can't force Zimmerman

into a miserable deal like that!

Force? When I get
through with him,

he will be panting to take
out Doberman's sister.

- This I've got to see.
- Be my guest.

You've got a
grandstand seat, watch.

- Come in.
- You want to see me, Sarge.

Close the door.

Come in, Fielding.

What's up?

Zimmerman, I'm in a spot and
only you can help me get off it.

Me?

You've got to take Joan Hogan
off my hands for the weekend.

But she is the most
beautiful WAC on the post.

You're trying to ditch her? Why?

You like this, why?

I'm fixing him up with the most
beautiful blonde on the post,

he is asking questions.

I'll get somebody else.
- Sarge, no, no.

It's not that.

It's just that you're trying
to ditch Joan, Joan Hogan.

You've got something
sensational lined up.

You ain't kidding. I'm
taking Doberman's sister.

Now look, here
is what you'll do.

She's probably still
crying, you be there.

She'll need a
shoulder to cry on.

Be tender, be kind and
then at the proper moment,

ask her for the date.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Fielding, how can I
thank you enough for this.

You thank me, how
can I ever thank you?

No, why should words
go between two friends?

Just hurry over to
the P.X, she is waiting.

- Come on partner.
- Yeah, yeah Joan.

- He's hooked!
- Hooked?

Sarge, are you crazy?
Him dating Joan?

- He'll get killed.
- He'll never get there.

In exactly one minute, he'll
come tearing back in this room

demanding to take
out Doberman's sister.

Are you kidding?

Look at him sprucing
up to go see her.

In 55 seconds he'll
be back right in here.

- How do you know?
- How do I know?

I've been with this
platoon long enough

to know how their
sneaky little minds work.

Look at him.

He's up on cloud 9 right now
thinking of his date with Joan.

By the time he gets to the
door, he'll starting thinking.

Ah ooh! He's thinking.

He is thinking, he
is saying to himself,

why would a smart guy like Bilko

want to ditch a beautiful
girl like Joan Hogan?

Generous, he ain’t.
My best friend he ain't.

Eh, why look a gift
horse in the mouth?

Joan Hogan, heee! wow!

- He left.
- Don't worry.

By the time he hits the steps,
it will dawn on him, right now.

Doberman sister, Bilko is
taking Doberman's sister.

Oh that sneaky little
mind is grinding away now.

Doberman sister
could it be possible,

could she be beautiful?

Maybe I'm missing
out on something?

What could Doberman's
sister look like?

Eh, impossible.

Joan Hogan, Fielding
Zimmerman you lucky dog!

He's gone again.

Yeah, but the seeds of
doubt have been planted.

He should be back in 4 seconds.

Oh Sarge, you're crazy.

Put his name up next
to Doberman's sister.

Crazy, huh? In 4
seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4.

You're not making
a sucker out of me!

What are you talking about?

Put me down, I'm
taking Doberman's sister!

Oh please, you promised!

You put me down, Doberman
asked me to take her.

Oh please Zimmerman,
please you promised me!

Ah, well.
- Sarge, you're a genius.

You're the greatest.

Please please. There
are so few of us left.

Hey, have you fellas
seen Doberman?

Hey, I hear in Vegas they
pay you a double for this,

a friend of mine said.

- Well, this isn't Vegas.
- What?

You're going to
take out my sister?

A pal's a pal!
- Oh jeez, Fielding, you're a prince.

I've been trying to get someone
to take her for a long time,

but nobody wants to take her.

Jeez, I'm so happy. I'm
going to take a shower.

- A shower?
- Yeah, I'm so happy.

I don't know what I'm doing.

- Doberman, what is she like?
- Like?

She's the loveliest
girl in the world.

Tell me more about her.

Zimmie, are you
slipping in your trolley?

Are you actually taking
out Doberman's sister?

What are you doing
paying off an election bet?

Are you guys kidding?

How crazy can I be if
I'm taking out the girl

that Bilko was ready to
ditch Joan Hogan over?

Ah, hey Doberman!

Bilko was ready to ditch
Joan over Doberman's sister?

I can't believe it.
Doberman's sister?

Why not? It figures.
It happens all the time.

It's always the
slob of the platoon,

who has got the
most beautiful sister.

Yeah, remember "Big Nose
Schultz" over in Company A?

He couldn't bribe guys
to take out his sister.

Remember what she looked
like when she showed up?

Yeah. Va va voom!

That lucky Zimmerman.

I've got a good mind to
punch you right in the nose?

What did I do?

Well, Doberman
asked me to take her,

but no, I gotta wind
up with your sister.

He asked me too but
I'm taking Gomez's sister.

Yeah, and I'm
taking your sister.

I don't know.

What is this?

A mass meeting, what's going on?

It's past lights out, come on!

Sarge, were you
actually thinking

of taking out Doberman sister?

That Zimmerman with his big
mouth it's all over the platoon now.

It certainly is.

Hey, Sarge, is she
really a knock-out?

Oh a dream!

How do you know,
you've never seen her?

I don't have to know.

It's Musselman's law and
theory of family equalization.

Musselman's law?

But certainly I think I
can quote it from memory.

"Where the hereditary
genes are over-compensated

in the genealogical aspect."

Sarge, please say it in English.

Oh I'll give it to you plain.
- Yeah..

Musselman was a scientist, he
devoted his life to his research

and he came up with
a simple statement,

which I'll tell you in
simple Basic English.

What's that?

The uglier the brother,
the more beautiful the sister.

That's a law?

Go fight with science,
Musselman, he knew it.

The uglier the brother,
the more beautiful the sister.

Hey, if that's true, Doberman's
sister is Miss Universe.

Yeah. I bet she is
a tall blonde beauty.

Yeah. Doberman
has got black hair.

- She's a brunette.
- No, no.

She is a redhead. I
know she is a redhead.

Eh, what are we
knocking ourselves out for.

Zimmerman has got her.
- Yeah.

But if something should
happen to Zimmerman.

Yeah!

Oh, get this.

I got their little evil minds
working overtime now.

They're figuring a way to get
her away from Zimmerman, huh?

Yeah.

Gentlemen, there will
be some rare dreams

within these
4-barrack walls tonight.

Dino. Dino, this
is my sister Diane.

Diane this is Dino Papparelli.

He was standing
next to Zimmerman

when he fell into
the grease pit.

I thought that as long as
you didn't have dah, dah.

Haven't we talked long enough?

Diane.

Sorry, I'm late. Diane,
this is Pvt. Fleishman.

He was working the jack
when the truck slipped

and fell on Zimmerman.

Tennis?

I love tennis!

Diane.

Diane, this is Cpl. Fender.

Cpl. Fender was
holding the gasoline tank,

when Zimmerman caught fire.

- How do you do?
- He's adorable.

Diane.

Diane... Diane!

Tell us something about her.

How come she is
not in Hollywood?

She likes tall guys
like me Doberman.

Come on you guys.

You've been
bothering Dobie all day.

Now let him alone
and hit the sack.

Oh the natives
are restless tonight.

I know, all they're talking
about is Doberman's sister.

Yeah.

Ernie, started something with
that phoney Musselman's law,

the uglier the
brother the better.

What's so phoney about it?

Look, in this Hollywood
fan magazine,

this story here,
"Meet their family."

Well, what is it?

Well, its pictures
of the families

of the glamorous
Hollywood stars, see.

Look at that face, huh?

- Wow!
- Yeah, now look at this.

Would you believe
that his sister

is a glamorous Hollywood star?

Now look on the next page,
this you'll never believe.

- What is that?
- That's Marilyn's brother.

- That's Marilyn's brother?
- Yeah.

He makes Doberman
look like Tony Curtis.

See!

All right you guys, stop
pestering Doberman

I'm getting some sleep in here.

All right fellows hit the
sack, I'm a little tired.

- And Sarge, we were just thinking.
- Thinking?

You too thinking
about Doberman sister?

Yeah.

Oh you jerks, I set
up a funny thing about

Musselman's law and theory
and you fall for it too, huh?

- But Sarge!
- Come on.

- I made it up.
- Look alive, get some rest.

- Goodnight Sarge.
- Goodnight.

Oh what characters.

"Meet Their Families."

Marilyn's brother?

Marilyn's brother?

Musselman's law.

What am I talking
about, I made it up myself!

This is ridiculous.
Could be, it could be.

Every big name in
Hollywood is here tonight

for the premier of the gorgeous
Diane Doberman's new picture.

The crowd has been here
since 7 o'clock this morning.

Here is Ms.
Doberman's limousine.

- There she is - And
with her is her fiancé,

Fielding Zimmerman the
producer of her new picture.

- Here they come!
- Stand back.

Ms. Doberman, can I have
one more picture please?

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

As the producer of the
picture Mr. Zimmerman,

what do you think?

Diane's pictures never miss.

How did you meet Mr. Zimmerman?

Oh, we met one glorious night.

A weekend you know,
at an Army camp.

The darling he just
swept me off my feet.

Can I have one
more Ms. Doberman,

kissing Mr. Zimmerman this time.

- Oh!
- Let's get out of here.

Hey, Diane! She wants me!

She wants me!

Hold it! Hold it!

It could be me!
They all say that.

Oh look, Diane wait, wait Diane.

Diane, Diane, wait for me.

She's mine! She's mine!

Diane wait, wait!

Diane, she is mine wait, wait.

Diane, Diane you're mine, Diane.

Zimmerman you dirty snake
I hope your picture is a flop.

Sarge! Sarge, Sarge!

- Wakeup.
- What's the matter Sarge?

What? What?

Oh, it was a nightmare.

That's what it was,
it was a dream.

But it's a dream that's
going to come true.

I've got to make it come true

or I'll regret it
the rest of my life.

Sarge, what are
you talking about?

You don't understand, I saw her.

Diane Doberman, she is gorgeous.

She is the most beautiful thing.

Sarge, Sarge you
haven't even seen her,

- What about Joan?
- Joan?

That was just an
infatuation, boys.

This is the real
thing. This is love.

Sarge, Zimmerman is
taking out Doberman's sister.

You talked him into it.

I'll talk him right
back into it again.

No, Sarge. You
ain't got a chance.

Every guy in the platoon
is trying to get him to let go.

He's got his teeth
in her like a bulldog.

He'll let go.

The minute he sees this
picture of Doberman sister,

he'll let go.

Sarge, that's a
picture of Seabiscuit.

What difference does it
make, I'm burning it, ain't I?

Burning it?

Get in there and very
artfully drop a hint to him

that I've got a picture of
Doberman's sister in here.

Go on, on the
double, look alive.

Boy, I'd give anything
to see that picture.

He just got it in
the mail today.

- Dobberman's sister.
- Va vam wee.

Hey, Sarge.

I understand you have a
picture of Doberman's sister.

Hey, Zimmer, I was
just going to send for you.

- What are you burning it?
- Congratulations Zimmerman.

Why are you burning it?

That was the most
unselfish thing I ever heard

of inviting that girl
here for the weekend?

- Why are you burning it?
- Never mind.

- I want you to sign this paper.
- Sign what?

It's a pledge that
from the moment

you pick up Doberman's
sister at the bus station,

to the moment that
she leaves this camp,

you'll constantly be at her side.
- What do you mean?

Never mind, just sign it.

I'm afraid that you take
one look at her and...

Sarge, you mean
she's... that bad?

Did you ever see
such ugly ashes?

- Here, sign the paper.
- Oh, I'll sign nothing.

Be a man!

It's only for the
weekend, you'll get over it.

- Oh no, you take her out.
- No, but you promised.

- You take her.
- Please, Zimmerman please.

Well, well Diane is mine.

But Sarge, you've
got a date with Joan.

A date, I'll get right out of.

Take a wire.

Right Sarge, Sgt. Ernest Bilko,

care of administration
Fort Baxt...

Wait, you're sending
the wire to yourself?

Yeah, but I'm sending
it through administration

to make sure that
Joan sees the wire.

Let me see say,
your aunt husband's,

what's a good name for aunt?

Aunt Agnes?
- Yeah.

Your Aunt Agnes has been
stricken with Musselman's fever.

Come at once
signed, Dr. Hesselman.

- My aunt Agnes.
- I'm so, sorry.

I had to be the one
to show it to you.

Musselman's fever
struck her again.

I have an emergency
furlough all ready for you.

Furlough?

No, I've got to take
you to the dance.

Honey, she is crying for you.

Oh you know, at 96 they
shake these things off.

No, no.
- I insist that you.

Take a wire. Dr. Hesselman
I cannot come.

Darling, darling.
It's only a dance.

No, I've got to
think of myself once.

Every moment away
from you is torture.

Oh nonsense. I will
get this thing stamped.

No, I won't. I won't, really.

- Is there 2 S's in Hesselman?
- Oh shut up.

Have you heard
from Doberman yet?

Yeah, he is supposed
to pick up his sister

at the bus terminal
at 8 o'clock.

Right.

Now did you reserve a
suite for her at the hotel?

Yeah, it was tough but.

What do you think
I've got lined up?

A little gypsy spot
that I know about,

I have been saving
it for a spot like this.

May I say, the czardase's
will be swirling tonight.

Oh no, no I won't go. No, no!

All right, now you've
got everything straight.

Now let me see, as
you bring the girl in,

we lower the lights
and we light the candles.

Fine and you?

And then we play "Gypsy
Hearts are Flaming."

No, no. Not yet, this is
where she just comes in.

Oh "My Little Gypsy Sweetheart."

My Little Gypsy
Sweetheart," better, next.

Then I bring in the food.

Yes, but how do
we bring in the food?

- Quietly and discreetly.
- Ah huh!

All right, that's okay.
Now with the food.

- "Gypsy Hearts are Flaming."
- Stop it!

This is the food.
"Eat Gypsy Eat."

That's better, now
it's very simple.

After we finish our food,
slowly we'll be sipping

on the champagne and as
the candlelights start to dim.

That's when I move to the table.

Right, and then play like
you've never played before.

Be sure you play
in her left ear.

Make sure, because I'll
be nibbling on the right ear.

Now you're Hungarian,
you feel these things?

Yeah.

Give me some music that
talks, talks, something that

that smolders into a flame,
you know some with aagh!

- I've got it.
- What?

Prostai Mamacha.

Laszlo, for heaven's sake! We
just got back our liquor license.

No no no!

Sugie, this is my
sister Frances.

Pleased to meet you.

Come on, I've
got a jeep waiting.

Well, did I lie?
- Not this time.

Mum, dad, Hi!

Good to see you.

Hi dad! Hi sis!

Stash, my sister Sabrina.

How do you do? Stash, Kadowski.

Well, let's go eh folks.

Well.

That Musselman's
law really worked.

Yeah, what do you mean?

Oh Danny!

You're sure she is on this bus?

I'm positive Doberman phoned.

She's probably
checking her luggage

See if you can find
her. Tell her I'm out here.

Right Sarge.

- Sgt. Bilko.
- Diane I,

Joan you came to
see me. Goodbye Joan.

I thought I'd find you here.

You don't understand.

I missed the plane,
so I'm taking the bus.

Well, I've done a little
checking up on you.

You don't have an Aunt Agnes.

And Henshaw sent that telegram.

Henshaw! Him with his
practical jokes, he's so naughty.

You be quiet. You're
waiting here for a girl.

I dare you to deny that one.

Joan, you've got
to understand this.

I'm like a man possessed.

I've got to go through this or
I'll never know for the rest of...

please try to understand Joan.

All I know is that you threw
me over for some other girl.

Joan, please.

Just because you found
someone more beautiful.

Sgt. Bilko, Sgt. Bilko.

- Diane.
- Sgt. Bilko.

Sgt. Bilko you're
exactly as I pictured you.

So are you.

Oh, then Duane told
you we were twins.

It figured.

Well, maybe you want to go to
the hotel so you can freshen up.

You can freshen up.

It was a long bus
drive and maybe you'd,

Joan this is Diane
Doberman, Duane's sister.

This is Joan Hogan.
- How do you do Diane?

How do you do Joan?

I hate to interrupt you,

but I have some business
to talk over with you.

What's that for?

That's the sweetest,
kindest thing you ever did.

What are you talking about?

Nobody wanted to
take Doberman sister.

So, rather than break
Doberman's heart, you.

Well Joan, I ought to tell you.

I have the most wonderful idea,

why don't two join Pvt.
Zimmerman and me.

We'll all have a lot of fun.
- Oh!

Say Joanie, that's
a wonderful idea.

Joan, I'll never
lie to you again.

There is a little gypsy
restaurant in town.

Gypsy restaurant in this town?

- Yeah, yeah.
- I never heard of it.

Come on dear, we're
joining the gypsies.