The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 34 - Bilko on Wall Street - full transcript
Bilko is excited when he is invited to spend a furlough in New York with an old friend who's become a millionaire. When he arrives he discovers the situation is a lot different than he expected.
Come on, hurry up, hurry up.
Hey, wait'll New York
gets a load of Bilko
- in this outfit, huh? Ha-ha!
- Come on, let's go, you guys.
Look at me. I'm Anthony...
Hey, that's Bilko's hat!
Hey, is Bilko gonna
wear this on the yacht?
Are you kidding? That's
Bilko's smoking jacket!
Smoking jacket!
You mean, Bilko's really
gonna spend his furlough
in New York with a millionaire?
That's the Bilko luck.
This guy Morgan Twinhasey
he was overseas with
turned out to be a
Wall Street big shot.
Ten-shun!
Oh, now, stop with
the jokes! Come on!
After all, my furlough
started an hour ago.
This is on my own time.
Fender, please? Give me a sweep.
Give it character, please?
But Sarge, an admiral's uniform?
Doberman, will you
look alive, please?
After all, I'll be sailing
on my friend Twinhasey's
private yacht to Bermuda.
Bermuda...
Hey, can't you just
see me at the wheel?
"Oh, I say! Is that
the Vanderbilts' yacht
"off on the left stern?
"Ahoy there, Alf! Race
you to the yacht club!
"Last one in has to
eat yesterday's caviar!
Oh, you peasant, you!"
Hey, Sarge, this Twinhasey's
really loaded, huh?
Loaded? Get a
load of the stationery
he sent me the invitation on.
If it was any more expensive,
you couldn't
even fold it at all.
"From the desk of
S. Morgan Twinhasey,
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth Investments."
He looked 'em up
in Dun & Bradstreet.
- They're really loaded.
- Rich?
Oh-ho! Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth.
Why not? The whole
family's working.
So you found out he was rich
and you wrangled an
invitation to stay at his house.
Here it comes, the envy...
You hear him dripping envy?
Wrangled? What wrangled?!
Get a load of this.
"Dear Ernie, glad to hear
you're going to spend
your furlough in New York."
Eat your heart out.
It goes on further and says:
"My wife and I
discussed your suggestion
"that you stay with us,
and we would be very
happy..." Do you hear that?
"we would be very
happy to put you up.
"We do live a
rather unexciting life,
but we want you to see Bermuda."
Bermuda...!
Okay, Sarge, the jeep is
ready to take you to the airport.
Here we go. Oh, I
better get rid of this.
We may sail by a
battleship and they'll start
with those 21-gun salutes,
and me with my sinus. Ah!
This is more like it... This
has that nautical touch.
All right, away we go.
Ahoy, you landlubbers.
Move it. Move it.
Oh, just a moment.
Allow me the pleasure of
looking at this unprivileged living
that I won't have to put up
with for the next three weeks.
Oh, this poor,
underprivileged child.
This child of the tenements.
Good-bye, Army cot!
Good-bye, depression living!
Oh, I could just see the
Twinhasey townhouse.
Sumptuous, with carpet so
thick you have to use snowshoes.
Can't you just see Twinhasey
walking into the drawing room,
lovely in his Dior
smoking jacket,
saying to his wife,
"And for you, my dear,
"a star sapphire."
"Why?"
"After all, darling,
it is Thursday."
I'll write ya!
♪♪
I finished washing
out the socks, Brenda.
I'll hang them up for you.
Come in.
Oh, yes.
Oh, that's the Army
cot for Sergeant Bilko.
Put it right here...
Trouble, trouble,
nothing but trouble.
It's awfully nice of you
to let us use your extra
cot, Mr. Hesselman.
For what? I was expecting
the duke and the duchess
over for the weekend, but
they can sleep in the coal bin.
- Uh, Mr. Hesselman, wait a minute.
- Oh, what is it?
- I'm busy.
- Speak to him, speak to him.
Mr. Hesselman, about the heat...
What about the heat?!
Well, there isn't any.
Oh, you noticed it, huh?
- Look, Mr. Hesselman...
- Now, you look, Twinhasey,
last night the
weatherman on television
said it was gonna be warm today,
so the landlord didn't
send over any coal.
So if it's freezing, don't
bother me, go call CBS.
Oh, I... I wish our...
I wish our rent was paid
up so I could really tell him.
Morgan, when are you
gonna tell the Butterworths
that $42 a week isn't a fitting
wage for a head bookkeeper?
Brenda, you know
they're very conservative.
They're old
fuddy-duddies who think
what was a good salary a
hundred years ago is still...
Brenda, you'll wake the baby.
Don't worry about Bermuda...
She's sound asleep.
But if you'd only
explain to Mr. Bickle...
Honey, you know just
what old Mr. Bickle says
when I mention that
I need more money...
"What's the matter, Twinhasey?
Out with those
Ziegfeld girls again?"
Yeah.
- Ahoy there!
- Ernie!
Is that the Vanderbilt yacht
off on the left stern? Hey, Alf!
I...
Boy, you look wonderful!
- This is my wife, Brenda.
- How are you?
Morgan's told me
a lot about you.
He has?
Look at him wearing
that Navy hat, Brenda.
Didn't I tell you he
was always joking?
Boy, are we going
to show you a time!
If we can get a
baby-sitter tonight.
We're going to a newsreel,
and then back here for
peanut butter sandwiches.
Oh, great, great.
I... Oh, put it right over here.
Right in here, will you, pal?
Thanks a lot. Here.
A buck? Downstairs you
promised me five bucks.
That was downstairs.
On the double.
Look alive!
Let me take your coat, Ernie.
No, no, thanks.
I'd rather keep it on.
Oh, I... I understand, Ernie.
But this is all just temporary.
Oh. Temporary?
Yes, by tomorrow morning
you'll be warm as toast.
- Oh.
- Wait till you see Bermuda.
- Bermuda?
- She's sleeping now.
Uh-huh. Oh, I see what happened.
You closed the townhouse;
you had to have a place to stay
while you had the
yacht refitted, right?
Bermuda... Who's sleeping?
Our baby, Bermuda.
Your baby's name is Bermuda?
Well, I'll get dinner ready.
Oh, Sergeant, we
have a surprise for you!
Chipped beef on toast!
Here's where
you'll sleep, Ernie.
We figured you'd like a
room to yourself, you know?
Come here. It seems like I
came at an inopportune time.
I'm sorry about it. Now,
when did it happen?
- When did what happen?
- When did you get wiped out?
- Wiped out?
- Yeah.
Had it all in industrials, huh?
There was a slump,
you couldn't recoup,
and Butterworth let you go, huh?
I-I'm still with Butterworth
& Butterworth & Butterworth.
You are?
Yeah. In fact, I just
had an advancement.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is a tax dodge, huh?
- Tax dodge?
- Don't worry,
the government will
never hear a word from me.
Let them go find the money.
You people who deal in millions,
you really think... Cover
it up, live poor, huh?
Ha-ha! Wizards, that's
what you are! Wizards!
Ernie, look, just because
I'm with a concern
that deals in millions
doesn't mean I'm rich.
Well, you just said you've
been with them 19 years,
- you just got promoted.
- Yeah, I did.
I'm head bookkeeper now.
I just got a raise
to $42 a week.
You got a raise to $42 a week?
Ernie, you don't
understand. Butter...
You've been with them 19
years, and you get $42 a week?
Yeah, next year I
get a golden watch.
So you can time
the hunger pangs?
Oh, Ernie, you don't
under... you don't understand.
Look, I do understand.
You work amongst millions
and you make $42 a week?!
What are they trying to
do, dare you to take it?
Ernie, don't start. It's the
break of my life to be with...
Break? You work
amongst millionaires
and this is the best you can do?
I work amongst paupers
and I do better than that.
What's the matter with you?
Don't you want to be rich?
What do you got against money?
Nothing. I haven't got
anything against money, but...
Ah, there's your
trouble... "but."
That word "but." I see
now. You're a "but" man.
That's the difference
between success and failure,
the use of the word "but."
Take it out of your vocabulary.
"But." Never say "but"!
Now, a hundred years ago, there
was a man named Louis Pasteur.
And he said, "I think
I will purify milk."
There was another man
named Edward Schlemmer.
He said, "I think
I'll purify milk, but..."
So today, we drink
pasteurized milk.
Let me ask you something.
When's the last time you bought
a bottle of Schlemmerized milk?
Well? Did you? Did you?
- No, but...
- "But"!
There you go with
the "buts" again.
Forget the word "but."
Speak with confidence.
Say something and
mean it. Confidence!
Say, "I want to be rich."
I want to be rich.
Is that all the
confidence you got?
Not only will you be rich,
you'll have to get
the breaks to be poor.
I can see your problem now.
I'll have to step in.
I'll see Butterworth
first thing in the morning.
Butterworth, Ernie.
Oh, Mr. Butterworth
hardly knows who I am.
He'll know you when I
get through with him, pal.
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
The law of supply and demand.
You want to get rich,
you want more money?
Supply, I'm going to make
a demand for you. That's...
Ernie, you don't know this
concern. They're old-fashioned!
Wait a second, please.
Let me see. What'll I wear?
Well, I was going to save this
when I met Ali Khan,
but it'll have to be...
Ernie, they're
old, conservative...
Now, what's the matter?!
Don't you want to be rich?
- Yes, but...
- "But" uh-uh, "but"?
- Ernie, you'll ruin me, Ernie!
- There you go with the "buts."
No, I... please! First
thing in the morning...
My mind is made up... I'm
seeing Butterworth. You...
The baby's up. Come on, Sarge.
- We want you to see Bermuda.
- Come on! Let's...
Oh, wait a minute. Hold it.
- What are you doing?
- Okay.
Take me to Bermuda. Here we go.
Morning, Mr. Smith.
Morning, Mr. Bickle.
Good morning, Mr. Kennedy.
Good morning, Mr. Bickle.
Well, Twinhasey, I suppose
perhaps you've forgotten
that on the day the
board of directors meet,
we all get here 15 minutes
earlier on our own time.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I forgot.
Out with those
Ziegfeld girls again, eh?
Oh, no, sir.
- Twinhasey!
- Yes, sir?
Oh, yeah.
That's the second time this
month you've left the light on.
Are you out to destroy
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
No, sir. I'm just a little
nervous this morning, sir.
Well, I suppose when
you're dancing all night
at the Delmonico with
those Ziegfeld girls...
- Bickle!
- Yes, Mr. Butterworth?
The board is waiting to meet.
Get me the papers
on the Spencer,
- Harris and Hubell account.
- Yes, sir!
Do you hear that, Twinhasey?
Mr. Butterworth, the
Third, wants those papers.
Yes, sir. I'll get them.
Bickle, I notice there's a
shortage of paper clips.
I... I check up on
them every night.
And the ink?
They're taking it home
in the fountain pens.
Grandfather built
this firm on economy,
and I want it to continue!
That's the way I
want to keep it, sir.
- Good.
- Here you are, sir.
I hope you made no
mistake, Twinhasey.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris
is one of the biggest
banking houses in the world.
If they choose us as the
brokers for their bond issues,
we'll double our business.
Yeah, yes, sir.
What's the matter, Twinhasey?
Something troubling you?
No, Sergeant. Uh, n-no, sir.
What's the matter
with Twinhasey?
He looks jumpy. Guilty
conscience or something.
I'll start checking the books.
You had better.
Where's Father?
The board members are waiting.
Grandfather isn't here yet, Dad.
Is Mr. Butterworth, the First,
actually coming
here this morning, sir?
With an important
decision coming up
from Spencer, Hubell
and Harris... why, of course.
Did you hear that, Twinhasey?
Mr. Butterworth,
the First, himself!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, here he is!
Good morning, Mr. Butterworth.
- Mr. Butterworth is here!
- Here he comes.
- Good morning, Father.
- Good morning, Grandfather.
I'll take over from here, Evans.
- Ah, ah, ah...
- What is it, Dad? What?
- The light! Turn off the light!
- The light!
Na... Name?
The name is Twinhasey.
Oh! "Twinhasey."
Gentlemen, Mr. Gillespie of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris
has written an excellent
report on our firm.
We have every reason
to believe that our getting
the Spencer, Hubell and Harris
account is now just a formality.
Dad, did you hear that?
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear, hear!
All right, Jarvis, have the
car back within the hour!
May I help you, sir?
Are you from Spencer,
Hubell and Harris, sir?
Now, wouldn't you like to know?
I beg your pardon, sir.
I am the office manager.
Can I help you?
Do I look like the
type who usually
talks to office
managers, now, really?
Of course not.
Why, I beg your pardon, sir.
Those are our files.
Really? Something to hide?
Oh, no, sir.
Are they expecting you, sir?
Good heavens, I hope not.
You may announce me, however.
But they're having
a board meeting, sir.
Ernie, what are you doing?
Shh-shh-shh!
Who's Spencer,
Hubell and Harris?
A billion-dollar bank.
Our new account, maybe!
That's all I have to know.
I'm going to create
a demand for you.
You sit there and
be quiet... shh!
Let me handle this.
He won't give his name?
He's poking into our files?
I'll handle this.
What, what'd you say?
Dad says show him in.
Show him in, a total stranger?
What'd you say, Dad?
Yes. Yes, Dad.
Dad's right, gentlemen.
Don't you see?
He's from Spencer,
Hubell and Harris.
He's just checking on us
before-before they sign.
Good thinking, Dad.
Good thinking.
Gentlemen, this is Mr., uh...
What...?
Ah... I'm, uh,
Butterworth, the Third.
I suppose you're from
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
You suppose quite a
lot with very little ground.
- Well, I...
- Are you an example
of the personnel here?
Hasty to jump to conclusions?
Look at me, man, when I speak!
Don't shift your eyes.
Son-Son, were you...
Were you shifting your eyes?
- Dad, I wasn't shifting my eyes!
- Ah.
I see.
Quick to lose your temper, eh?
Covering up, something to hide?
Now, which one of
you is Butterworth?
I am Mr. Butterworth.
Are you still capable of
a good day's work, sir?
- I don't have to take this.
- Don't mumble.
Speak up. What is it? What?
- I don't have to take this.
- That's better.
Speak clearly.
We've become a
nation of mumblers.
Now, gentlemen, hear this.
I'll be brief.
I have this to
say: uh... no notes.
No notes when I speak.
Haven't seen you lately at
Duane Doberman's party.
Duane who?
Good heavens,
you are out of touch.
You don't know Duane Doberman,
one of the great financial
geniuses of our day?
- I don't have to take this.
- Why is he mumbling?
Continually mumbling.
- Why does he mumble?
- Dad isn't mumbling.
Oh, I see, covering up, eh?
Honor among thieves
and all that sort of thing.
Well, let me say
this... eh... No notes.
I won't have that.
No... I want this man's name.
Make me a list of that.
Gentlemen, I'll be brief.
I've seen your office.
I've seen you.
Frankly, I don't
like what I see.
What?
Oh, you don't?
Well, Mr. Gillespie, of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris,
made an exhaustive
survey of our firm.
Here's his report.
He was pleased with us.
Indeed.
Mr. Gillespie was pleased.
Suppose you ask yourself:
Is Spencer, Hubell
and Harris pleased
with your Mr. Gillespie?
Now, see here.
I've known William Gillespie
- for 25...
- Oh.
William, is it?
I haven't heard him referred
to that in many a moon.
William, indeed.
We know him more
intimately as Willy the Bungler.
- I don't have to...
- He's mumbling!
Why does he mumble when I speak?
I won't have this,
because... in the...
No notes.
I will have no notes taken here.
And so you gentlemen
actually had the audacity to think
you can get the Spencer, Hubell
and Harris account, now did you?
We have top executive strength.
Here's our personnel report.
Oh, really?
Personnel, really? Oh...
This is rather laughable.
You call this a...?
Good heavens!
I didn't know he was with you.
- He, who?
- Who-who is he?
Twinhasey.
- Is Twinhasey with you?
- Yes, yes.
- Twinhasey is with us.
- Oh, good ole Twinhasey.
Twinhasey?
The one who left
the light burning.
I'll kill him. I'll kill him.
Uh, Grandfather, Grandfather!
He... Twinhasey is
one of our best men.
Spencer, Hubell
and Harris like him.
- Oh, a good man.
- A splendid man.
- Splendid man.
- Good man.
How can you hold him all
these years, I'll never understand.
Must cost you a
fortune to... $42 a week?!
Well, he came high,
but he was worth it.
High?
Do you realize we've
been looking for years
for a man like this?
We at Spencer, Hubell
and Harris are prepared
to pay him $200 a week.
Why, he's the very
man to head my staff.
Your staff?
He's still working for us.
Ah, going to be
dog-eat-dog, is it?
Well, let me warn
you of something.
When I want a man, I get him.
And I want Twinhasey!
He wants to steal
Twinhasey, Grandfather.
You won't get him.
He's a loyal employee.
He's a Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth man.
He won't leave here!
We'll jolly well see about that.
I'm prepared to offer
him $200 a week.
If you can top that,
we'll take it from there.
- Well, we'll see about that.
- We jolly well will see.
And let me leave you
with this thought: that...
Notes. No notes.
I won't have that.
I want that man's name.
If I see him on the
Stock Exchange,
I'll hand in my resignation.
Good day, gentlemen!
Really!
- Ernie...
- Shh.
What... what's going on here?
- I got you $200 a week.
- $200...!
If they try to cut
you down, hold out.
Listen to me.
Good luck.
Is there anything that...
He whispered something to
Twinhasey and they shook hands.
He whispered
something to Twinhasey
- and they shook hands.
- He's stealing him away from us!
Grandfather, we've got to...
give him $200 a week to keep him.
- $200?!
- Yes, yes, yes.
Dad, we have to.
Son, you call him in.
- Yes, Dad.
- Whoo!
- What'd you say? What?
- Come back.
- Ooh, ooh!
- What's that, Dad?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, Dad's right.
Dad's right, gentlemen.
We almost made
a terrible mistake.
We're in no position
to antagonize Spencer,
Hubell and Harris.
If they want Twinhasey, why,
we can't stand in their way.
Son, you call him in.
Father himself
will speak to him.
Come in, Mr. Twinhasey.
Did you call me, sir?
Congratulations, Twinhasey.
Well, thank you, sir.
- Congratulations, Twinhasey.
- Thank you, sir.
My grandfather himself
wants to say something to you.
Yes.
Twinhasey?
Yes, Mr. Butterworth?
- You're fired.
- Fired?!
♪♪
Other men have been fired.
There are other
jobs, better jobs.
Oh, Morgan, I never saw
you take a drink in your life.
You've gotta pull
yourself together.
Well, sir, we did it, we did it!
Ah, celebrating.
What'd they go to, $250?
They fired him.
They what?!
They fired...?
They can't do that.
I created a demand for him!
Oh, I see what I have to do.
Right to the top I go.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris?
They don't know Morgan's alive.
They don't, huh?
Well, when I get through with
them, they'll know he's alive.
I'm gonna see them
first thing in the morning.
I'm gonna create
a demand for you!
Oh, boy.
Well, this is an
excellent report
on Butterworth, Gillespie.
Just the firm to
handle our bond issues;
old, reliable,
excellent personnel.
Good.
Well, then, just
a matter of, uh...
signing... Who is he?
Oh, excellent.
Picasso at his best.
Picasso at his best!
And who are you?
- A friend.
- A friend?
- A friend.
- Get out of my office!
Excuse me. Would you say
that again, what you just said?
Get out of my...
No, no, no, the way you said it.
Get out of my office!
Amazing! The exact words
and the very same intonations
- used by Frasier Peck.
- Frasier Peck?
Yes, it was Frasier Peck many
years ago sitting in his office,
this young man came in
with a bottle of oil and said,
"Mr. Peck, I think
we could sell this."
And Mr. Peck said
to that young man...
What was it you just said?
- Get out...
- I mean the way you said it.
Get out of my office!
Exactly. He said
that to the young man.
The young man's name was
- John D. Rockefeller.
- Rockefeller?
I see you have a
wonderful view here
of Rockefeller
Center, don't you?
If one cranes a bit, one can see
just about a corner
of the Bowery.
As a matter of fact, you can
almost see in the very doorway
where Frasier Peck is
sleeping it off right now.
- Frasier Peck...
- You resemble him tremendously.
- You really do.
- Gillespie, who is he?
Gilles...? Willy the
Bungler, is that him?
Bungler?!
Wh-What's the meaning of this?
I suppose this is the
Butterworth reports,
- aren't they?
- Yes.
I guess I should let
you go through with this.
It's been some years since
Wall Street has had a good laugh.
A laugh?
Oh, this is excellent.
The Patagonian slipdrips.
Is this a new plant?
Let's go over this report.
There's absolutely
nothing wrong with it, sir.
Every asset of Butterworth,
Butterworth &
Butterworth is listed there!
Including the name
S. Morgan Twinhasey.
- Who's Twinhasey?
- Twinhasey?
Incredible. You don't
know Twinhasey?
The man whose genius,
the man whose reports,
the man whose
know-how is responsible
for keeping those
old fossils going?
Gillespie, don't you
know Twinhasey?
Oh, of course! Twinhasey!
Top man.
He's a top man, eh?
Top man?! Twinhasey is
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth.
He's the brains of the company.
Without him, there
is no Butterworth!
Oh, so this Twinhasey is
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
Was.
Was?!
He's not with them anymore.
Gillespie, why wasn't I
told that Twinhasey isn't with
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth anymore?
But sir, he's listed right here!
Yeah? We'll see about this.
Get me Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth.
Macedonian silk, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Beautiful, beautiful.
You know, if I couldn't have
Macedonian silk in my drapes,
I'd just as soon live in a cave.
Really?
- You can understand, can't you?
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
This is Spencer of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
I want to speak
to Mr. Twinhasey.
What?
He's not with you anymore?!
Willy the Bungler.
But sir, he's
listed right there!
Quiet! I want to speak
to Mr. Butterworth.
No, not the Third or
the Second... the First!
I don't care if he
is out playing golf!
I want to speak to
him immediately!
If they think they're
gonna get our business
with their key man not
with them anymore...
Well, I guess my
work here is done.
I'll carry on.
Oh, we owe you a debt
of gratitude, Mr., uh...
Just a friend. Oh,
I love this Picasso.
Thank you.
The blue and grays
make me want to cry.
- Want to cry!
- Thank you, sir, thank you.
Willy, be alive, Willy.
Well, I'm off to
the hunt. See you.
You've been a lot of fun.
Butterworth?!
Listen, Butterworth,
unless you get Twinhasey
back, forget our account!
Just a minute.
Twinhasey live here?
Yes. Mr. Butterworth...
This way, Dad.
Oh, Morgan?! Morgan?!
Twinhasey... where is he?
He's coming, Grandfather.
What, dear?
Why'd you...?
Mr. Butterworth?
Twinhasey, my dad offers you
$200 a week if you'll come back.
$200 a...?
Morgan, did you hear that?
Well, what is my head
bookkeeper doing living
in a place like this?
Mr. Butterworth, $42 a week
isn't what it used
to be in your day.
It isn't?
Why wasn't I informed of this?
$250.
$250? Oh, Mr. Butterworth,
I don't deserve $250...
Nonsense, nonsense.
Why, Twinhasey, without you,
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth is just a shell!
Well! Well, well, well!
You're too late. Twinhasey
has promised to stay with us.
I know when I'm beaten.
I should have known
better than to tangle
with the Tiger of Wall Street.
That is a charming costume.
Didn't I see you in the Our
Gang comedies some time ago?
That is rather ravishing.
You're looking good.
Height of fashion today.
Well...
Well, you can tell your firm
of Spencer, Hubell and Harris
that they're dealing
with a live-wire outfit.
Spencer, Hubell...?
But Ern... Sergeant!
- "Sarge"?
- Yeah.
He's referring to my old firm...
Sarge, Sarge & Battersby.
Well, I must go. There's
a run on oil, you know.
- I must go.
- Ernie!
Well, Mr. Butterworth,
you've been the victim
of an unethical plot
to get me more money.
Pay no attention to him.
You understand,
he's been drinking.
You remember how Diamond
Jim used to put it away?
Same thing with this boy.
- He doesn't know what he's saying.
- Ernie, please, Ernie.
Mr. Butterworth, he's no big
mystery man of Wall Street.
He's just Ernie
Bilko. He's a soldier.
We were in the war together.
You mean this-this
whole thing...
His phony act at
the board meeting...?
Grandfather, did you hear that?
Dad, what is it? What is it?!
Oh, no! He's laughing!
Bilko, at your age, that's
just what I would have done.
Ah, he's a good sport!
- Twinhasey?
- Yes?
You show up for work. We'll
have your new office ready.
Leave everything to him.
As a matter of fact, you can
take a couple of weeks off.
Why don't we...? I know a place
that has three bands.
Why don't we dance?
At last, a new apartment!
- Oh!
- Maybe a car!
I can't believe it!
Ernie, how can I thank you?
You don't have to.
Don't stop me now.
- Where are you going?
- Mr. Butterworth just invited me
to a cruise to
Bermuda on his yacht.
- Mr. Butterworth has a yacht?
- No, but he's gonna have one.
Ahoy there,
Butterworth, you old salt.
The girls in the
bikinis are mine! Yeah!
Also appearing in tonight's cast
were Maclean Savage as
Mr. Butterworth, the First,
Eddie Phillips as Twinhasey,
Athena Lorde as his wife,
and Mort Stephens as Mr. Bickle.
Hey, wait'll New York
gets a load of Bilko
- in this outfit, huh? Ha-ha!
- Come on, let's go, you guys.
Look at me. I'm Anthony...
Hey, that's Bilko's hat!
Hey, is Bilko gonna
wear this on the yacht?
Are you kidding? That's
Bilko's smoking jacket!
Smoking jacket!
You mean, Bilko's really
gonna spend his furlough
in New York with a millionaire?
That's the Bilko luck.
This guy Morgan Twinhasey
he was overseas with
turned out to be a
Wall Street big shot.
Ten-shun!
Oh, now, stop with
the jokes! Come on!
After all, my furlough
started an hour ago.
This is on my own time.
Fender, please? Give me a sweep.
Give it character, please?
But Sarge, an admiral's uniform?
Doberman, will you
look alive, please?
After all, I'll be sailing
on my friend Twinhasey's
private yacht to Bermuda.
Bermuda...
Hey, can't you just
see me at the wheel?
"Oh, I say! Is that
the Vanderbilts' yacht
"off on the left stern?
"Ahoy there, Alf! Race
you to the yacht club!
"Last one in has to
eat yesterday's caviar!
Oh, you peasant, you!"
Hey, Sarge, this Twinhasey's
really loaded, huh?
Loaded? Get a
load of the stationery
he sent me the invitation on.
If it was any more expensive,
you couldn't
even fold it at all.
"From the desk of
S. Morgan Twinhasey,
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth Investments."
He looked 'em up
in Dun & Bradstreet.
- They're really loaded.
- Rich?
Oh-ho! Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth.
Why not? The whole
family's working.
So you found out he was rich
and you wrangled an
invitation to stay at his house.
Here it comes, the envy...
You hear him dripping envy?
Wrangled? What wrangled?!
Get a load of this.
"Dear Ernie, glad to hear
you're going to spend
your furlough in New York."
Eat your heart out.
It goes on further and says:
"My wife and I
discussed your suggestion
"that you stay with us,
and we would be very
happy..." Do you hear that?
"we would be very
happy to put you up.
"We do live a
rather unexciting life,
but we want you to see Bermuda."
Bermuda...!
Okay, Sarge, the jeep is
ready to take you to the airport.
Here we go. Oh, I
better get rid of this.
We may sail by a
battleship and they'll start
with those 21-gun salutes,
and me with my sinus. Ah!
This is more like it... This
has that nautical touch.
All right, away we go.
Ahoy, you landlubbers.
Move it. Move it.
Oh, just a moment.
Allow me the pleasure of
looking at this unprivileged living
that I won't have to put up
with for the next three weeks.
Oh, this poor,
underprivileged child.
This child of the tenements.
Good-bye, Army cot!
Good-bye, depression living!
Oh, I could just see the
Twinhasey townhouse.
Sumptuous, with carpet so
thick you have to use snowshoes.
Can't you just see Twinhasey
walking into the drawing room,
lovely in his Dior
smoking jacket,
saying to his wife,
"And for you, my dear,
"a star sapphire."
"Why?"
"After all, darling,
it is Thursday."
I'll write ya!
♪♪
I finished washing
out the socks, Brenda.
I'll hang them up for you.
Come in.
Oh, yes.
Oh, that's the Army
cot for Sergeant Bilko.
Put it right here...
Trouble, trouble,
nothing but trouble.
It's awfully nice of you
to let us use your extra
cot, Mr. Hesselman.
For what? I was expecting
the duke and the duchess
over for the weekend, but
they can sleep in the coal bin.
- Uh, Mr. Hesselman, wait a minute.
- Oh, what is it?
- I'm busy.
- Speak to him, speak to him.
Mr. Hesselman, about the heat...
What about the heat?!
Well, there isn't any.
Oh, you noticed it, huh?
- Look, Mr. Hesselman...
- Now, you look, Twinhasey,
last night the
weatherman on television
said it was gonna be warm today,
so the landlord didn't
send over any coal.
So if it's freezing, don't
bother me, go call CBS.
Oh, I... I wish our...
I wish our rent was paid
up so I could really tell him.
Morgan, when are you
gonna tell the Butterworths
that $42 a week isn't a fitting
wage for a head bookkeeper?
Brenda, you know
they're very conservative.
They're old
fuddy-duddies who think
what was a good salary a
hundred years ago is still...
Brenda, you'll wake the baby.
Don't worry about Bermuda...
She's sound asleep.
But if you'd only
explain to Mr. Bickle...
Honey, you know just
what old Mr. Bickle says
when I mention that
I need more money...
"What's the matter, Twinhasey?
Out with those
Ziegfeld girls again?"
Yeah.
- Ahoy there!
- Ernie!
Is that the Vanderbilt yacht
off on the left stern? Hey, Alf!
I...
Boy, you look wonderful!
- This is my wife, Brenda.
- How are you?
Morgan's told me
a lot about you.
He has?
Look at him wearing
that Navy hat, Brenda.
Didn't I tell you he
was always joking?
Boy, are we going
to show you a time!
If we can get a
baby-sitter tonight.
We're going to a newsreel,
and then back here for
peanut butter sandwiches.
Oh, great, great.
I... Oh, put it right over here.
Right in here, will you, pal?
Thanks a lot. Here.
A buck? Downstairs you
promised me five bucks.
That was downstairs.
On the double.
Look alive!
Let me take your coat, Ernie.
No, no, thanks.
I'd rather keep it on.
Oh, I... I understand, Ernie.
But this is all just temporary.
Oh. Temporary?
Yes, by tomorrow morning
you'll be warm as toast.
- Oh.
- Wait till you see Bermuda.
- Bermuda?
- She's sleeping now.
Uh-huh. Oh, I see what happened.
You closed the townhouse;
you had to have a place to stay
while you had the
yacht refitted, right?
Bermuda... Who's sleeping?
Our baby, Bermuda.
Your baby's name is Bermuda?
Well, I'll get dinner ready.
Oh, Sergeant, we
have a surprise for you!
Chipped beef on toast!
Here's where
you'll sleep, Ernie.
We figured you'd like a
room to yourself, you know?
Come here. It seems like I
came at an inopportune time.
I'm sorry about it. Now,
when did it happen?
- When did what happen?
- When did you get wiped out?
- Wiped out?
- Yeah.
Had it all in industrials, huh?
There was a slump,
you couldn't recoup,
and Butterworth let you go, huh?
I-I'm still with Butterworth
& Butterworth & Butterworth.
You are?
Yeah. In fact, I just
had an advancement.
Oh, I see what this is.
This is a tax dodge, huh?
- Tax dodge?
- Don't worry,
the government will
never hear a word from me.
Let them go find the money.
You people who deal in millions,
you really think... Cover
it up, live poor, huh?
Ha-ha! Wizards, that's
what you are! Wizards!
Ernie, look, just because
I'm with a concern
that deals in millions
doesn't mean I'm rich.
Well, you just said you've
been with them 19 years,
- you just got promoted.
- Yeah, I did.
I'm head bookkeeper now.
I just got a raise
to $42 a week.
You got a raise to $42 a week?
Ernie, you don't
understand. Butter...
You've been with them 19
years, and you get $42 a week?
Yeah, next year I
get a golden watch.
So you can time
the hunger pangs?
Oh, Ernie, you don't
under... you don't understand.
Look, I do understand.
You work amongst millions
and you make $42 a week?!
What are they trying to
do, dare you to take it?
Ernie, don't start. It's the
break of my life to be with...
Break? You work
amongst millionaires
and this is the best you can do?
I work amongst paupers
and I do better than that.
What's the matter with you?
Don't you want to be rich?
What do you got against money?
Nothing. I haven't got
anything against money, but...
Ah, there's your
trouble... "but."
That word "but." I see
now. You're a "but" man.
That's the difference
between success and failure,
the use of the word "but."
Take it out of your vocabulary.
"But." Never say "but"!
Now, a hundred years ago, there
was a man named Louis Pasteur.
And he said, "I think
I will purify milk."
There was another man
named Edward Schlemmer.
He said, "I think
I'll purify milk, but..."
So today, we drink
pasteurized milk.
Let me ask you something.
When's the last time you bought
a bottle of Schlemmerized milk?
Well? Did you? Did you?
- No, but...
- "But"!
There you go with
the "buts" again.
Forget the word "but."
Speak with confidence.
Say something and
mean it. Confidence!
Say, "I want to be rich."
I want to be rich.
Is that all the
confidence you got?
Not only will you be rich,
you'll have to get
the breaks to be poor.
I can see your problem now.
I'll have to step in.
I'll see Butterworth
first thing in the morning.
Butterworth, Ernie.
Oh, Mr. Butterworth
hardly knows who I am.
He'll know you when I
get through with him, pal.
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
The law of supply and demand.
You want to get rich,
you want more money?
Supply, I'm going to make
a demand for you. That's...
Ernie, you don't know this
concern. They're old-fashioned!
Wait a second, please.
Let me see. What'll I wear?
Well, I was going to save this
when I met Ali Khan,
but it'll have to be...
Ernie, they're
old, conservative...
Now, what's the matter?!
Don't you want to be rich?
- Yes, but...
- "But" uh-uh, "but"?
- Ernie, you'll ruin me, Ernie!
- There you go with the "buts."
No, I... please! First
thing in the morning...
My mind is made up... I'm
seeing Butterworth. You...
The baby's up. Come on, Sarge.
- We want you to see Bermuda.
- Come on! Let's...
Oh, wait a minute. Hold it.
- What are you doing?
- Okay.
Take me to Bermuda. Here we go.
Morning, Mr. Smith.
Morning, Mr. Bickle.
Good morning, Mr. Kennedy.
Good morning, Mr. Bickle.
Well, Twinhasey, I suppose
perhaps you've forgotten
that on the day the
board of directors meet,
we all get here 15 minutes
earlier on our own time.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I forgot.
Out with those
Ziegfeld girls again, eh?
Oh, no, sir.
- Twinhasey!
- Yes, sir?
Oh, yeah.
That's the second time this
month you've left the light on.
Are you out to destroy
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
No, sir. I'm just a little
nervous this morning, sir.
Well, I suppose when
you're dancing all night
at the Delmonico with
those Ziegfeld girls...
- Bickle!
- Yes, Mr. Butterworth?
The board is waiting to meet.
Get me the papers
on the Spencer,
- Harris and Hubell account.
- Yes, sir!
Do you hear that, Twinhasey?
Mr. Butterworth, the
Third, wants those papers.
Yes, sir. I'll get them.
Bickle, I notice there's a
shortage of paper clips.
I... I check up on
them every night.
And the ink?
They're taking it home
in the fountain pens.
Grandfather built
this firm on economy,
and I want it to continue!
That's the way I
want to keep it, sir.
- Good.
- Here you are, sir.
I hope you made no
mistake, Twinhasey.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris
is one of the biggest
banking houses in the world.
If they choose us as the
brokers for their bond issues,
we'll double our business.
Yeah, yes, sir.
What's the matter, Twinhasey?
Something troubling you?
No, Sergeant. Uh, n-no, sir.
What's the matter
with Twinhasey?
He looks jumpy. Guilty
conscience or something.
I'll start checking the books.
You had better.
Where's Father?
The board members are waiting.
Grandfather isn't here yet, Dad.
Is Mr. Butterworth, the First,
actually coming
here this morning, sir?
With an important
decision coming up
from Spencer, Hubell
and Harris... why, of course.
Did you hear that, Twinhasey?
Mr. Butterworth,
the First, himself!
- Oh, yes.
- Oh, here he is!
Good morning, Mr. Butterworth.
- Mr. Butterworth is here!
- Here he comes.
- Good morning, Father.
- Good morning, Grandfather.
I'll take over from here, Evans.
- Ah, ah, ah...
- What is it, Dad? What?
- The light! Turn off the light!
- The light!
Na... Name?
The name is Twinhasey.
Oh! "Twinhasey."
Gentlemen, Mr. Gillespie of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris
has written an excellent
report on our firm.
We have every reason
to believe that our getting
the Spencer, Hubell and Harris
account is now just a formality.
Dad, did you hear that?
Hear, hear!
Hear, hear, hear!
All right, Jarvis, have the
car back within the hour!
May I help you, sir?
Are you from Spencer,
Hubell and Harris, sir?
Now, wouldn't you like to know?
I beg your pardon, sir.
I am the office manager.
Can I help you?
Do I look like the
type who usually
talks to office
managers, now, really?
Of course not.
Why, I beg your pardon, sir.
Those are our files.
Really? Something to hide?
Oh, no, sir.
Are they expecting you, sir?
Good heavens, I hope not.
You may announce me, however.
But they're having
a board meeting, sir.
Ernie, what are you doing?
Shh-shh-shh!
Who's Spencer,
Hubell and Harris?
A billion-dollar bank.
Our new account, maybe!
That's all I have to know.
I'm going to create
a demand for you.
You sit there and
be quiet... shh!
Let me handle this.
He won't give his name?
He's poking into our files?
I'll handle this.
What, what'd you say?
Dad says show him in.
Show him in, a total stranger?
What'd you say, Dad?
Yes. Yes, Dad.
Dad's right, gentlemen.
Don't you see?
He's from Spencer,
Hubell and Harris.
He's just checking on us
before-before they sign.
Good thinking, Dad.
Good thinking.
Gentlemen, this is Mr., uh...
What...?
Ah... I'm, uh,
Butterworth, the Third.
I suppose you're from
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
You suppose quite a
lot with very little ground.
- Well, I...
- Are you an example
of the personnel here?
Hasty to jump to conclusions?
Look at me, man, when I speak!
Don't shift your eyes.
Son-Son, were you...
Were you shifting your eyes?
- Dad, I wasn't shifting my eyes!
- Ah.
I see.
Quick to lose your temper, eh?
Covering up, something to hide?
Now, which one of
you is Butterworth?
I am Mr. Butterworth.
Are you still capable of
a good day's work, sir?
- I don't have to take this.
- Don't mumble.
Speak up. What is it? What?
- I don't have to take this.
- That's better.
Speak clearly.
We've become a
nation of mumblers.
Now, gentlemen, hear this.
I'll be brief.
I have this to
say: uh... no notes.
No notes when I speak.
Haven't seen you lately at
Duane Doberman's party.
Duane who?
Good heavens,
you are out of touch.
You don't know Duane Doberman,
one of the great financial
geniuses of our day?
- I don't have to take this.
- Why is he mumbling?
Continually mumbling.
- Why does he mumble?
- Dad isn't mumbling.
Oh, I see, covering up, eh?
Honor among thieves
and all that sort of thing.
Well, let me say
this... eh... No notes.
I won't have that.
No... I want this man's name.
Make me a list of that.
Gentlemen, I'll be brief.
I've seen your office.
I've seen you.
Frankly, I don't
like what I see.
What?
Oh, you don't?
Well, Mr. Gillespie, of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris,
made an exhaustive
survey of our firm.
Here's his report.
He was pleased with us.
Indeed.
Mr. Gillespie was pleased.
Suppose you ask yourself:
Is Spencer, Hubell
and Harris pleased
with your Mr. Gillespie?
Now, see here.
I've known William Gillespie
- for 25...
- Oh.
William, is it?
I haven't heard him referred
to that in many a moon.
William, indeed.
We know him more
intimately as Willy the Bungler.
- I don't have to...
- He's mumbling!
Why does he mumble when I speak?
I won't have this,
because... in the...
No notes.
I will have no notes taken here.
And so you gentlemen
actually had the audacity to think
you can get the Spencer, Hubell
and Harris account, now did you?
We have top executive strength.
Here's our personnel report.
Oh, really?
Personnel, really? Oh...
This is rather laughable.
You call this a...?
Good heavens!
I didn't know he was with you.
- He, who?
- Who-who is he?
Twinhasey.
- Is Twinhasey with you?
- Yes, yes.
- Twinhasey is with us.
- Oh, good ole Twinhasey.
Twinhasey?
The one who left
the light burning.
I'll kill him. I'll kill him.
Uh, Grandfather, Grandfather!
He... Twinhasey is
one of our best men.
Spencer, Hubell
and Harris like him.
- Oh, a good man.
- A splendid man.
- Splendid man.
- Good man.
How can you hold him all
these years, I'll never understand.
Must cost you a
fortune to... $42 a week?!
Well, he came high,
but he was worth it.
High?
Do you realize we've
been looking for years
for a man like this?
We at Spencer, Hubell
and Harris are prepared
to pay him $200 a week.
Why, he's the very
man to head my staff.
Your staff?
He's still working for us.
Ah, going to be
dog-eat-dog, is it?
Well, let me warn
you of something.
When I want a man, I get him.
And I want Twinhasey!
He wants to steal
Twinhasey, Grandfather.
You won't get him.
He's a loyal employee.
He's a Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth man.
He won't leave here!
We'll jolly well see about that.
I'm prepared to offer
him $200 a week.
If you can top that,
we'll take it from there.
- Well, we'll see about that.
- We jolly well will see.
And let me leave you
with this thought: that...
Notes. No notes.
I won't have that.
I want that man's name.
If I see him on the
Stock Exchange,
I'll hand in my resignation.
Good day, gentlemen!
Really!
- Ernie...
- Shh.
What... what's going on here?
- I got you $200 a week.
- $200...!
If they try to cut
you down, hold out.
Listen to me.
Good luck.
Is there anything that...
He whispered something to
Twinhasey and they shook hands.
He whispered
something to Twinhasey
- and they shook hands.
- He's stealing him away from us!
Grandfather, we've got to...
give him $200 a week to keep him.
- $200?!
- Yes, yes, yes.
Dad, we have to.
Son, you call him in.
- Yes, Dad.
- Whoo!
- What'd you say? What?
- Come back.
- Ooh, ooh!
- What's that, Dad?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, Dad's right.
Dad's right, gentlemen.
We almost made
a terrible mistake.
We're in no position
to antagonize Spencer,
Hubell and Harris.
If they want Twinhasey, why,
we can't stand in their way.
Son, you call him in.
Father himself
will speak to him.
Come in, Mr. Twinhasey.
Did you call me, sir?
Congratulations, Twinhasey.
Well, thank you, sir.
- Congratulations, Twinhasey.
- Thank you, sir.
My grandfather himself
wants to say something to you.
Yes.
Twinhasey?
Yes, Mr. Butterworth?
- You're fired.
- Fired?!
♪♪
Other men have been fired.
There are other
jobs, better jobs.
Oh, Morgan, I never saw
you take a drink in your life.
You've gotta pull
yourself together.
Well, sir, we did it, we did it!
Ah, celebrating.
What'd they go to, $250?
They fired him.
They what?!
They fired...?
They can't do that.
I created a demand for him!
Oh, I see what I have to do.
Right to the top I go.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
Spencer, Hubell and Harris?
They don't know Morgan's alive.
They don't, huh?
Well, when I get through with
them, they'll know he's alive.
I'm gonna see them
first thing in the morning.
I'm gonna create
a demand for you!
Oh, boy.
Well, this is an
excellent report
on Butterworth, Gillespie.
Just the firm to
handle our bond issues;
old, reliable,
excellent personnel.
Good.
Well, then, just
a matter of, uh...
signing... Who is he?
Oh, excellent.
Picasso at his best.
Picasso at his best!
And who are you?
- A friend.
- A friend?
- A friend.
- Get out of my office!
Excuse me. Would you say
that again, what you just said?
Get out of my...
No, no, no, the way you said it.
Get out of my office!
Amazing! The exact words
and the very same intonations
- used by Frasier Peck.
- Frasier Peck?
Yes, it was Frasier Peck many
years ago sitting in his office,
this young man came in
with a bottle of oil and said,
"Mr. Peck, I think
we could sell this."
And Mr. Peck said
to that young man...
What was it you just said?
- Get out...
- I mean the way you said it.
Get out of my office!
Exactly. He said
that to the young man.
The young man's name was
- John D. Rockefeller.
- Rockefeller?
I see you have a
wonderful view here
of Rockefeller
Center, don't you?
If one cranes a bit, one can see
just about a corner
of the Bowery.
As a matter of fact, you can
almost see in the very doorway
where Frasier Peck is
sleeping it off right now.
- Frasier Peck...
- You resemble him tremendously.
- You really do.
- Gillespie, who is he?
Gilles...? Willy the
Bungler, is that him?
Bungler?!
Wh-What's the meaning of this?
I suppose this is the
Butterworth reports,
- aren't they?
- Yes.
I guess I should let
you go through with this.
It's been some years since
Wall Street has had a good laugh.
A laugh?
Oh, this is excellent.
The Patagonian slipdrips.
Is this a new plant?
Let's go over this report.
There's absolutely
nothing wrong with it, sir.
Every asset of Butterworth,
Butterworth &
Butterworth is listed there!
Including the name
S. Morgan Twinhasey.
- Who's Twinhasey?
- Twinhasey?
Incredible. You don't
know Twinhasey?
The man whose genius,
the man whose reports,
the man whose
know-how is responsible
for keeping those
old fossils going?
Gillespie, don't you
know Twinhasey?
Oh, of course! Twinhasey!
Top man.
He's a top man, eh?
Top man?! Twinhasey is
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth.
He's the brains of the company.
Without him, there
is no Butterworth!
Oh, so this Twinhasey is
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
Was.
Was?!
He's not with them anymore.
Gillespie, why wasn't I
told that Twinhasey isn't with
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth anymore?
But sir, he's listed right here!
Yeah? We'll see about this.
Get me Butterworth,
Butterworth & Butterworth.
Macedonian silk, isn't it?
- Yes.
- Beautiful, beautiful.
You know, if I couldn't have
Macedonian silk in my drapes,
I'd just as soon live in a cave.
Really?
- You can understand, can't you?
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth?
This is Spencer of
Spencer, Hubell and Harris.
I want to speak
to Mr. Twinhasey.
What?
He's not with you anymore?!
Willy the Bungler.
But sir, he's
listed right there!
Quiet! I want to speak
to Mr. Butterworth.
No, not the Third or
the Second... the First!
I don't care if he
is out playing golf!
I want to speak to
him immediately!
If they think they're
gonna get our business
with their key man not
with them anymore...
Well, I guess my
work here is done.
I'll carry on.
Oh, we owe you a debt
of gratitude, Mr., uh...
Just a friend. Oh,
I love this Picasso.
Thank you.
The blue and grays
make me want to cry.
- Want to cry!
- Thank you, sir, thank you.
Willy, be alive, Willy.
Well, I'm off to
the hunt. See you.
You've been a lot of fun.
Butterworth?!
Listen, Butterworth,
unless you get Twinhasey
back, forget our account!
Just a minute.
Twinhasey live here?
Yes. Mr. Butterworth...
This way, Dad.
Oh, Morgan?! Morgan?!
Twinhasey... where is he?
He's coming, Grandfather.
What, dear?
Why'd you...?
Mr. Butterworth?
Twinhasey, my dad offers you
$200 a week if you'll come back.
$200 a...?
Morgan, did you hear that?
Well, what is my head
bookkeeper doing living
in a place like this?
Mr. Butterworth, $42 a week
isn't what it used
to be in your day.
It isn't?
Why wasn't I informed of this?
$250.
$250? Oh, Mr. Butterworth,
I don't deserve $250...
Nonsense, nonsense.
Why, Twinhasey, without you,
Butterworth, Butterworth
& Butterworth is just a shell!
Well! Well, well, well!
You're too late. Twinhasey
has promised to stay with us.
I know when I'm beaten.
I should have known
better than to tangle
with the Tiger of Wall Street.
That is a charming costume.
Didn't I see you in the Our
Gang comedies some time ago?
That is rather ravishing.
You're looking good.
Height of fashion today.
Well...
Well, you can tell your firm
of Spencer, Hubell and Harris
that they're dealing
with a live-wire outfit.
Spencer, Hubell...?
But Ern... Sergeant!
- "Sarge"?
- Yeah.
He's referring to my old firm...
Sarge, Sarge & Battersby.
Well, I must go. There's
a run on oil, you know.
- I must go.
- Ernie!
Well, Mr. Butterworth,
you've been the victim
of an unethical plot
to get me more money.
Pay no attention to him.
You understand,
he's been drinking.
You remember how Diamond
Jim used to put it away?
Same thing with this boy.
- He doesn't know what he's saying.
- Ernie, please, Ernie.
Mr. Butterworth, he's no big
mystery man of Wall Street.
He's just Ernie
Bilko. He's a soldier.
We were in the war together.
You mean this-this
whole thing...
His phony act at
the board meeting...?
Grandfather, did you hear that?
Dad, what is it? What is it?!
Oh, no! He's laughing!
Bilko, at your age, that's
just what I would have done.
Ah, he's a good sport!
- Twinhasey?
- Yes?
You show up for work. We'll
have your new office ready.
Leave everything to him.
As a matter of fact, you can
take a couple of weeks off.
Why don't we...? I know a place
that has three bands.
Why don't we dance?
At last, a new apartment!
- Oh!
- Maybe a car!
I can't believe it!
Ernie, how can I thank you?
You don't have to.
Don't stop me now.
- Where are you going?
- Mr. Butterworth just invited me
to a cruise to
Bermuda on his yacht.
- Mr. Butterworth has a yacht?
- No, but he's gonna have one.
Ahoy there,
Butterworth, you old salt.
The girls in the
bikinis are mine! Yeah!
Also appearing in tonight's cast
were Maclean Savage as
Mr. Butterworth, the First,
Eddie Phillips as Twinhasey,
Athena Lorde as his wife,
and Mort Stephens as Mr. Bickle.