The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 2, Episode 1 - Platoon in the Movies - full transcript
When the Motor Pool at Fort Baxter is chosen as the location to shoot an army training film about the care and maintenance of the humble spark plug, Sgt.Bilko cooks up a scheme to shoot his own film.
Sgt. Bilko,
emergency. Sgt. Bilko.
Sgt. Bilko who's
responsible for this meddling?
Point out the man to me
who is so inconsiderate
that he wakes his Sergeant in
the middle of his afternoon nap?
Sarge, we've been working
on this motor for 4 hours.
We've tried everything,
Ernie it just won't run.
Sarge, I even looked at
the Army Mechanics Manual.
Hand me... You looked at
the Army Mechanics Manual.
Just a peek.
You actually looked
at an army manual.
That explains it!
No wonder the
motors are loused up,
repairs behind
schedule, confusion.
He looks at army manuals.
- But Sarge!
- But Sarge!
I spent years trying to teach
these guys to be mechanics,
what do I wind up
with, bookworms.
Turn it over.
- See?
Quiet. Gum. Gum!
- Try it - Sarge, you've got it.
Attaboy Sarge!
Show me in the
manual where it says
you can keep a carburetor
running with juicy fruit.
Show me!
All right! Back to work!
Work! Once I'm up in
the afternoon that's it.
I can't go back to sleep.
Sarge, where were you sleeping?
Where was I sleeping?
In the only legal place
the army allows you?
I was watching
the training film.
Oh no, those training films,
that is the army's
answer to sleeping pills.
- Brass coming.
- Brass! Busy, busy.
Well men, we have
to keep the motor...
Sir, we're rather busy.
As you were, there
they are Lieutenant.
Keep it working men after all,
you know, idle arms
mean idle motors.
We must keep
everything on the ball here.
Well lieutenant,
what do you think?
They could be the ones we want.
Excuse me sir, I couldn't
help but overhear you.
We may look like the
ones that you want,
but I assure you we're
not the ones you want.
Fortunately I can prove
we were all in the barracks
the night the ones
you want did it.
Did what?
Whatever the ones you want did.
Bilko, no one did anything yet.
This is Lt. Pierson of
Army Visual Education.
Oh, how do you do sir?
You're the gentleman
who makes all those
army training films
that we love so fellows.
- Yes, they're wonderful.
- I make some of them yes.
Oh I just saw one, the
"Disassembly Of The Trigger
Housing Unit of the B-7 Bazooka,"
oh it's mad, mad sir.
- You liked it, eh?
Liked it?
When that main spring
snapped, I cried like a baby.
Oh yes! I even like it better
than that other one
you did, you know.
The "7 Dont's For the
Soldier On Furlough,"
that 6th don't was a doozer sir.
That young lady,
is she a friend?
- Never mind Bilko.
- Yes sir.
Lt. Pierson wants
to look over your men
to see if he can use them
in a film he has to make.
A film with us?
Yes. It's on the maintenance
of the spark plug.
Back East, we usually
shoot with professional actors,
but I thought that as long as
we were here we might find types.
Why not sir, I myself have
had professional experience sir,
I recite...
- Bilko, never mind!
- Yes sir.
It's up to the Lieutenant,
and his cameramen.
But of course I understand that.
Yes, I will get the cameraman
and ask him how you
look on camera. All right?
Thank you very much sir, you
will find us most cooperative.
If we're busy, we'll be... Hey!
We're in the movies.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
He is bringing the cameraman
and we've got to look good.
Good looking guys, down front.
Hey, hey! Joking time.
I want... Come on
Zimmerman, we're not making
an Our Gang comedy, look alive!
Nelson! Good type!
Smile, let them see you,
and Fender! Come on, cooperate!
Fender, really? Back, back.
Right there PJ, you stand.
Fleischman, under the
jeep face down, no offense.
Smile! That's what we've
got to have. A lot of smiles.
You, smile! Doberman
what are you doing here?
- Sarge?
- Under the jeep!
Under the jeep?
Tell Fleischman
I sent you, quick.
They see his face, we're cooked.
Here they come!
Nonchalant! Nonchalant!
Here they are Miller, see
how they look on camera, eh?
Oh Pvt. Dillingham, I see you
have knuckle pin assembly there.
You do a grand job.
Hello there Pvt. Palmer, I see
you got the hitch lock working.
- Yes Sarge.
- Oh, good show.
Can I help you Pvt. Zimmerman?
Well there's
something in the thing.
I told you once, I told
you a thousand times.
The army manual,
consult it when in doubt.
Well Miller, what do you think?
No, Lieutenant, they won't do.
- All right.
- Anything wrong sir.
I'm sorry Sergeant, we can't
use you or your men in the film.
I assure you sir, if you, if
you give them a chance they...
- I'm sorry, who is he?
- Who, oh I don't know. I don't know.
He must be a camp follower.
I never saw this man before.
Let me see that face. Sarge
move away from camera.
How about that Miller?
- He is perfect.
Yes for that Pvt.
All Thumbs role.
You know the clumsy mechanic
who never does the right thing.
Oh wait till the
headquarters sees that face.
Oh there will be
a shock at first
but they will
get used to it sir.
There a Jackie Coogan
quality that comes through,
Sir when he smiles
you could melt.
Melt. Smile. Smile!
Isn't that good?
You can... These
teeth are removable sir.
We don't have to use the
same teeth, you know that.
Okay Lieutenant, set up.
We will start shooting first
thing tomorrow morning.
All right Miller, thank you.
Well now that we've set
the role of All Thumbs,
there's only one other
role that's important.
That is the clean cut good
looking motor pool Sergeant
who does everything right.
- Oh really, sir?
Now let me if I can
find somebody here.
I'm mean we're all
willing to cooperate sir,
if anybody you need.
I will drop around the barracks
tonight and pick him out.
Thank you very much sir,
you will find we're
veterans and we're...
Heey!
Nail polish, who's
got a nail polish.
Zimmerman, do you really think
that I'd play the
handsome Sergeant.
- Sure, sure.
- Hey, Fender what do you think?
Oh, I don't know, what,
what are you trying to do,
ruin my chances?
I want a Windsor knot.
- All right Duke!
Hey, here comes Sgt. Bilko.
We've got to arrange
everything as fast...
Oops! I'm in the wrong barracks.
No, no this is our platoon.
Our platoon? Looks
like a sorority house.
What's going on here?
Where is Doberman?
Under the dryer? What is this?
- We want to look good.
- Oh I see, you want to look good.
So when the Lieutenant comes in
he picks you for
the part, right?
- Yeah.
- Jerks!
Look alive. You know who
the star of this picture will be?
Dirt! Dirt! That's
who the star is.
Dirt, everybody
dirt it up! Natural!
Like they make those
Italian pictures - realistic.
Come on get those
shoes outshined, be real.
Come on, sloppy it up a little.
Nelson in the back, I
don't want you down front.
Hey you, down here.
Wearing your hat
I noticed Fender?
Why? Take it off on the double.
Ashamed of the hairs you
lost in service of your country.
Wear that skin like a badge.
Be proud. Erect, look alive!
I run this thing, I'm
protecting you fellows.
Let's go! We've got
to rehearse that script.
First line here.
You're making faces
behind my back?
Now...
Sarge, what's with the
Davey Crockett hat?
What are you talking
about? What, what?
What, what?
- You've got a toupée.
- The roof! The wigwam.
This is what you're
discussing? Isn't that laughable?
You get so.. You love men so
much, they don't appreciate it,
they get suspicious.
You know I'm just wearing
this to protect my head
from those hot movie lights.
It was just laying around,
the first thing I picked up.
First thing you picked
up in the house?
You want to look better than us.
You want to get the part.
Quiet, quiet! It's
the first thing handy,
I just accidentally put it on.
All right, all right.
You feel better?
- Attention! At ease.
- Yes, sir.
Well, where is Pvt. All Thumbs?
Doberman? Rocco, Henshaw,
get Doberman! On the double.
Sir, I was thinking about
the part of the Sergeant
we shouldn't cast them as
this stereotype typical Sergeant
with hair and all that.
Sergeant, I will select the
role myself, if you don't mind.
Well of course
sir, please be free.
Ahh... That man there, Sergeant.
Oh Fleischman, a very
good type, you want him sir?
No, no, of course not! Not him,
the man in the back.
Is there a man
in, oh Pvt. Nelson,
I didn't know you were here.
Come right in, this
is your lucky day.
Is this the man eh?
- Yes, perfect, perfect.
I really admire your choice.
May I see you a moment sir?
Yes of course.
Do you want him to wear
this or the one he's got on?
You mean that he's...
As a doorknob sir.
Yes, and you see,
he sweats a lot so
it keeps slipping off.
We have a lot of glue; we
can keep putting it back.
No, no, no, no. Sergeant,
I'm afraid that man won't do.
Oh, I'm sorry Nelson, I tried.
You in the back, put
your hand up please?
That's Kadowski!
A wonderful choice.
Wonderful choice sir!
I'll start teaching him
the English language
immediately sir.
He doesn't know
how to speak English?
Oh you should see
him at the mess hall;
he is a regular chatter box.
He does very well, he
says, "me soldier me eat."
No.
But sir, we could use
English subtitles if you want.
Oh, never mind.
Well, who have we
got left to choose from?
Yes who have we got sir?
Men, Sgt. Bilko will play
the role of the Sergeant.
What, what I tried
nothing, and I didn't...
Hey Sarge, Sarge,
here's Doberman.
Oh Doberman, good old Doberman.
Pvt. All Thumbs, you
know I just can't wait
to get him in front of those
cameras tomorrow morning.
Oh he is a little
pixy isn't he, sir?
Oh you're gonna be great.
Where were you? Found
him hiding under a truck.
Come here. What's
with this hiding?
- What?
- Sarge I can't go through with it.
I can't face the
camera. I can't do it.
What are you talking about,
you'll be great, it's so simple.
I'll die, I'll die.
Dobbie, without you
they don't do the picture.
- We need you.
- Think of us.
- We're a platoon.
- Dobbie have a heart?
Stop heckling this man.
If he doesn't want
to be in the movies,
he doesn't have to
be. Maybe he can't act.
That's just it, I can't act.
Just a minute you
just used the word
that I don't allow
used in this barracks.
You said can't.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Now you watch that.
That's very simple.
You're gonna be
great, it's just one line.
Now I, as Pvt. or Sgt.
Steady, I will say to you,
"Private All Thumbs, how
do you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder
head?" and then you
as Pvt. All Thumbs,
you say this line here.
- I'll die, I'll die.
- Read it.
Pvt. All Thumbs how do
you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
I just give it a twist
with this wrench.
Sarge? Sarge? You're crying!
- I will be all right.
- What's the matter?
"What's the matter?" he asks.
With one line he
tears your heart out,
and he says,
"What's the matter?"
You mean, I was good?
Do I mean, it's
not for us to say?
If you're in doubt, we'll
leave it to this impartial group.
Men, what do you think?
Great. Great.
Sarge, do you think that I?
You heard what the
Lieutenant said, you're a star.
I'm a star.
Of course, all right
get to bed fellas;
we've got a big day
ahead of us tomorrow.
Rehearse your lines,
remember everything,
so that you're gonna
be great, Duane.
Get rid of this.
- Right.
- Oh Sarge!
- What?
Can I talk to you
alone for a moment?
Any time.
Sarge even if I'm a star, I
don't want you to treat me
any different, than
you do the rest of them.
Is that a grabber? Does
that get you right in here?
Did I tell you the bigger
they are, the nicer they are?
Good boy, Duane.
But Sarge, one more thing.
I noticed that I
only have one line,
Paparelli who is a
nothing has 3 lines.
Why? Why?
Now if I'm the star,
at least give me
something to sink my teeth...
All right let's get a
quick rehearsing in
before the Lieutenant
gets here, right?
Right.
You do the announcing, Rocco,
you know with the big
music, tatara tatara ta!
US Army Training Film B-624,
Prevention of Sludge and
Fouling of the Spark Plug.
Camera.
Camera zooms in to discover
good looking Sergeant hard
at work at the motor pool.
Action!
Oh, hello there,
fellow soldiers,
I'd like to take up
a subject with you
which invariably comes
up when G.Is get together.
The care and
maintenance of spark plugs.
First let us show
you the wrong way
to remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head.
Pvt. All thumbs!
Pvt. All thumbs!
This will be rich!
Pvt. All thumbs!
How do you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
Come on Doberman
that's your cue.
You want me to shout it from
back here among all the extras?
Oh Doberman, let him through.
Come on we've got no
time for that. Get in here.
This is your cue.
Pvt. All thumbs, how do
you remove a spark plug
from a cylinder head?
Can you hear it?
Say it. I can't hear you.
I'm trying to save my voice.
Oh come on, do the thing.
How do you remove a spark
plug from a cylinder head?
I just give a twist
with this wrench.
Very good.
Why don't you
hold the wrench up?
Are you trying to
tell me how to act?
Come on, come on, nobody
is telling you how to act.
Well if you want somebody
else to do the part,
it's all right with me.
What are you saying?
The fella is trying to
teach me how to act?
Nobody is trying
why don't shut up.
Attention.
What's the matter?
Some trouble here?
Just rehearsing
sir in a loud tone.
Oh I see, and you
Pvt. All Thumbs,
do you know your part mmh?
- One line.
- Oh he knows it sir.
He knows it very well.
All right Miller, let's go.
Places everybody.
- Places everybody.
Lights, camera.
US Army Training
Film B-624 take one.
Action.
Hey there fellow soldiers,
I would like to take
up a subject with you
which invariably comes
up when G.Is get together,
the care and the
maintenance of spark plugs.
First let us show
you the wrong way
to remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head.
Pvt. All Thumbs, All
Thumbs, say this will be rich.
Pvt. All Thumbs, how do
you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
I ohh.
What is this, do
we have to cancel.
Sir, he will be all right.
What is the matter Doberman,
come on, what's with you?
Sarge the camera, those lights.
I'm scared.
Scared? What are you scared of?
The camera and the lights.
Oh come here,
take a walk with me.
What's there to be scared of?
Let's walk nice and slow.
What do we see here, a camera.
Touch it, come on touch it.
Eeh, say, "Hello, little camera!"
- Hello, little camera.
See the camera is a friend
of ours, it makes your picture.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
Is it the lights
that bother you?
Hey fellows, throw the
light on him, will you?
Look at the light on
you, can it hurt you?
It only makes you look nice.
Wave hello to the
electrician, call them Alec,
it's a joke they like that.
Hello Alec!
- Hello Alec!
- Hello!
- See they're all your friends.
That's the camera,
wave to the cameraman.
Nothing to be afraid
of, isn't it's ridiculous?
Come on let's do it, Davy boy.
Sir, we're ready.
He is all right, sir.
Yeah, let's do it now.
All right we'll
try it once more.
Right from the Sergeant's cue.
- My cue, what's my line?
- Here's Pvt. All Thumbs.
He knows my line
too. Ain't that cute?
All right, places.
Take 2. Action!
This will be rich. Here
is Pvt. All Thumbs,
how do you remove
a spark plug...
All right, all right!
That's all, that's all.
Sir, it's just a little tension.
Sergeant we're making
just a training film.
This is not War and Peace.
But sir, if he wasn't
so tense, he'd be fine.
Tense? He's most
relaxed man around here.
Sir, give him another
chance, will you?
All right, lock it up Miller,
we'll head back east.
Hey what about the
camera and the lights.
The Sergeant will tell you,
to tell you what do to with that.
- Okay.
Now Sergeant, I want
all this equipment packed
and ready for shipping
tomorrow, you hear me?
- Yes, sir.
- All right, you're in charge.
Won't you reconsider,
sir? Give us another.
- He's gone Doberman.
- You sure blew it.
- I'm sorry fellows, I failed.
- Come back here.
You didn't fail
anybody, it's my fault,
I tried to make you
something you weren't.
- I'm just a slob.
- That's true.
Yes, it's true but
you're happy slob.
Come on fellows, wasn't
it funny the way he...
What is this look of
stark disappointment?
What's the trauma in you?
What's so important,
a measly training film
that G.Is fall asleep before
the title even comes out?
- And why do they make them?
- Why? It's the Army.
Why? Can they make them like
they make in Hollywood with girls
dancing entertainment,
no that's not what spark plug
Okay Sergeant,
what do we do now?
Do now, what do you mean?
Well you heard the
lieutenant, until he gets back,
you're in charge.
Where do you want the
camera lights put away sir?
Leave them right where they are.
- What do you mean?
- We're gonna make a picture.
- We're gonna make a picture?
- Yes, we are.
We're going to make a picture
that G.Is will understand
about spark plugs.
We're going to do it right.
- Col. Cobb?
- What's up?
It's an emergency.
It might be to drag us away
from the Senator's party
in the middle of the
night to see a training film.
It was rushed here by a plane
from Kansas, marked top secret.
Top secret, a training film.
Lt. Pierson was on the
phone, he sounded hysterical.
- Well run it.
- Oh no, another training film.
I've been looking
at them for 20 years
and I still don't know
wrench from a screwdriver.
Go ahead.
This is Spark Plug Feature
Training Film. Go! Go! Go!
Hi there, how are you?
We've got something for you.
Something every
mechanic should know.
The spark plug is the part
that makes the pistons flutter.
It needs a lot of loving
care to make it sputter.
So don't just guess keep
your feeler gauge handy.
With the spark gap at 0300.
But now the stage
and scenes are set
for a story that
you won't forget.
What every young
spark plug should know.
Once there was a motor pool,
just the other mechanics do.
Happy, happy motor pool.
Once there was a
happy, happy motor pool.
There were wise old adjustments.
Steady reliable,
daily inspection.
Ever helpful, little Army
Mechanic's Manual.
Proper installation,
healthy young lubrication
and wise old experience
hand-in-hand they work together
keeping the Army
vehicles rolling.
Then one day young new
parts came in with some news.
It's arrived
fellows. It's arrived.
A brand new little spark plug.
They were all so
happy to see him,
but like any little rookie, he
thought that he knew it all.
They tried to give him advice,
but the little spark plug said,
"Feedle de dee, feedle de dee.
I'm young and clean.
What can happen to me?"
Ooh.
Suddenly initiative had an idea.
And from the scrap
pile they summoned
an old broken down spark
plug that had been through it all.
Tell him, tell him. Tell him.
- Hello there young fellow!
- Get lost old man.
Ugh!
Oh I too was once young
and cocky like you are.
I too didn't listen to my
friends in the motor pool
and look at me today.
Old washed up at
only 3,000 miles.
Why don't you get away
from me? Leave me alone!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
There was nothing they could do.
He roared around the highway.
And then one day, it happened.
He was idling in front of a
out-of-bound filling station,
when suddenly...
I am sludge.
Engine sludge.
- You are?
- I like your speed.
I like the way that
you don't take any lip
from those old creeps
down at the motor pool.
- Yeah.
- Dance with me, you fool.
It will be a short
ride but a merry one.
- Save him, save him.
- Help him!
I will save him. I will
lure him away from her.
So you can give him
proper oil lubrication
and engine care.
- May I cut in?
- You?
I finished you off miles ago.
Oh what do you
want with this kid.
You don't want rob the carton,
I will show you a gay time.
You, you're through.
Oh don't let appearances fool
you, and let me tell you why.
There's still a spark left
in the old plug tonight.
A spark that can
burst into flame.
Remember the fun
we had under the hood,
when my threads were not worn
and my coils were still good.
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight,
there'll be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
There is still a spark
left in the old plug tonight.
A spark that can burst
into flame, duru ruru ruru.
Remember the fun
we had under the hood,
when my threads were not worn
and my coils were still good.
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight.
There will be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
What do you think of that?
Who are you kidding,
you're through.
Yes, but I've
protected him from you.
You mean, you're clean!
Yes proper motor maintenance,
and proper oil lubrication
has saved him from you!
Go sludge! Go! You're through.
Go!
Foiled again by
correct engine care.
Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
I've been such a fool.
Don't thank me; thank your
friends in the motor pool.
Oh and now,
now it's back to
junk heap for me.
Wait he saved the
kid. Let's save him.
We will recap him.
- We'll glaze his porcelain -
Using the latest training methods.
It's all in here in page 209,
reclamation of old spark plugs.
We'll give him
new life! New life!
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight,
there will be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
I feel so happy,
there'll be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
Fort Baxter?
Get me Lt. Pierson immediately.
Girls! Music!
Pierson who did it?
Who did it?
Sgt. Bilko. Well
get him. Get him!
Run along dear. What
you're about to hear
is not for a woman's ears.
See Earl, I didn't
know that sludge
could gather in the spark plug
if the ignition coil and
distributor capacitor
were not adjusted with
the correct circuit tester.
Certainly we've been
trying to drum that
into the mechanics heads for...
Can you imagine, improper
spark plug maintenance
can cause enough
excess heat to crystallize
the steering knuckle flanges?
Where did you learn that?
Well it's obvious it was all
explained in that training film.
- It was?
- Yes, it's true isn't it?
Yes, yes.
Sir, I heard you
wanted to see me,
and as late as it was
I came dashing over.
It's later than you
think Sgt. Bilko.
Gen. Cobb wants
to talk with you.
Oh, I'm not dressed properly.
Bilko, you come back here.
You're going to find out
what flagrant disregard
of government property means.
Here he is, general.
Gen. Cobb, sir, Sgt.
Bilko on this end.
Yes, sir.
Thank you Sir, it's awfully
nice of you to take the trouble.
No sir, it's the first
one I've ever done.
Oh did you like that much,
well thank you very much sir.
Lt. Pierson?
Oh yes, he cooperated
to the fullest sir.
Yes, he gave me full
reign. He was splendid.
Thank you sir. That's nice!
Well sir, it makes me feel
a little foolish to do that.
Well if it's an order
sir, I'll have to.
There's still a spark left
in the old plug tonight.
A spark that will...
Announcer: also
appearing in tonight's cast,
were Ralph Stantley
as Lt. Pierson,
Virginia De Louse was Sludge,
Edwin Cooper played Gen. Cobb.
And Alice Yourman was Mrs. Cobb.
emergency. Sgt. Bilko.
Sgt. Bilko who's
responsible for this meddling?
Point out the man to me
who is so inconsiderate
that he wakes his Sergeant in
the middle of his afternoon nap?
Sarge, we've been working
on this motor for 4 hours.
We've tried everything,
Ernie it just won't run.
Sarge, I even looked at
the Army Mechanics Manual.
Hand me... You looked at
the Army Mechanics Manual.
Just a peek.
You actually looked
at an army manual.
That explains it!
No wonder the
motors are loused up,
repairs behind
schedule, confusion.
He looks at army manuals.
- But Sarge!
- But Sarge!
I spent years trying to teach
these guys to be mechanics,
what do I wind up
with, bookworms.
Turn it over.
- See?
Quiet. Gum. Gum!
- Try it - Sarge, you've got it.
Attaboy Sarge!
Show me in the
manual where it says
you can keep a carburetor
running with juicy fruit.
Show me!
All right! Back to work!
Work! Once I'm up in
the afternoon that's it.
I can't go back to sleep.
Sarge, where were you sleeping?
Where was I sleeping?
In the only legal place
the army allows you?
I was watching
the training film.
Oh no, those training films,
that is the army's
answer to sleeping pills.
- Brass coming.
- Brass! Busy, busy.
Well men, we have
to keep the motor...
Sir, we're rather busy.
As you were, there
they are Lieutenant.
Keep it working men after all,
you know, idle arms
mean idle motors.
We must keep
everything on the ball here.
Well lieutenant,
what do you think?
They could be the ones we want.
Excuse me sir, I couldn't
help but overhear you.
We may look like the
ones that you want,
but I assure you we're
not the ones you want.
Fortunately I can prove
we were all in the barracks
the night the ones
you want did it.
Did what?
Whatever the ones you want did.
Bilko, no one did anything yet.
This is Lt. Pierson of
Army Visual Education.
Oh, how do you do sir?
You're the gentleman
who makes all those
army training films
that we love so fellows.
- Yes, they're wonderful.
- I make some of them yes.
Oh I just saw one, the
"Disassembly Of The Trigger
Housing Unit of the B-7 Bazooka,"
oh it's mad, mad sir.
- You liked it, eh?
Liked it?
When that main spring
snapped, I cried like a baby.
Oh yes! I even like it better
than that other one
you did, you know.
The "7 Dont's For the
Soldier On Furlough,"
that 6th don't was a doozer sir.
That young lady,
is she a friend?
- Never mind Bilko.
- Yes sir.
Lt. Pierson wants
to look over your men
to see if he can use them
in a film he has to make.
A film with us?
Yes. It's on the maintenance
of the spark plug.
Back East, we usually
shoot with professional actors,
but I thought that as long as
we were here we might find types.
Why not sir, I myself have
had professional experience sir,
I recite...
- Bilko, never mind!
- Yes sir.
It's up to the Lieutenant,
and his cameramen.
But of course I understand that.
Yes, I will get the cameraman
and ask him how you
look on camera. All right?
Thank you very much sir, you
will find us most cooperative.
If we're busy, we'll be... Hey!
We're in the movies.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
He is bringing the cameraman
and we've got to look good.
Good looking guys, down front.
Hey, hey! Joking time.
I want... Come on
Zimmerman, we're not making
an Our Gang comedy, look alive!
Nelson! Good type!
Smile, let them see you,
and Fender! Come on, cooperate!
Fender, really? Back, back.
Right there PJ, you stand.
Fleischman, under the
jeep face down, no offense.
Smile! That's what we've
got to have. A lot of smiles.
You, smile! Doberman
what are you doing here?
- Sarge?
- Under the jeep!
Under the jeep?
Tell Fleischman
I sent you, quick.
They see his face, we're cooked.
Here they come!
Nonchalant! Nonchalant!
Here they are Miller, see
how they look on camera, eh?
Oh Pvt. Dillingham, I see you
have knuckle pin assembly there.
You do a grand job.
Hello there Pvt. Palmer, I see
you got the hitch lock working.
- Yes Sarge.
- Oh, good show.
Can I help you Pvt. Zimmerman?
Well there's
something in the thing.
I told you once, I told
you a thousand times.
The army manual,
consult it when in doubt.
Well Miller, what do you think?
No, Lieutenant, they won't do.
- All right.
- Anything wrong sir.
I'm sorry Sergeant, we can't
use you or your men in the film.
I assure you sir, if you, if
you give them a chance they...
- I'm sorry, who is he?
- Who, oh I don't know. I don't know.
He must be a camp follower.
I never saw this man before.
Let me see that face. Sarge
move away from camera.
How about that Miller?
- He is perfect.
Yes for that Pvt.
All Thumbs role.
You know the clumsy mechanic
who never does the right thing.
Oh wait till the
headquarters sees that face.
Oh there will be
a shock at first
but they will
get used to it sir.
There a Jackie Coogan
quality that comes through,
Sir when he smiles
you could melt.
Melt. Smile. Smile!
Isn't that good?
You can... These
teeth are removable sir.
We don't have to use the
same teeth, you know that.
Okay Lieutenant, set up.
We will start shooting first
thing tomorrow morning.
All right Miller, thank you.
Well now that we've set
the role of All Thumbs,
there's only one other
role that's important.
That is the clean cut good
looking motor pool Sergeant
who does everything right.
- Oh really, sir?
Now let me if I can
find somebody here.
I'm mean we're all
willing to cooperate sir,
if anybody you need.
I will drop around the barracks
tonight and pick him out.
Thank you very much sir,
you will find we're
veterans and we're...
Heey!
Nail polish, who's
got a nail polish.
Zimmerman, do you really think
that I'd play the
handsome Sergeant.
- Sure, sure.
- Hey, Fender what do you think?
Oh, I don't know, what,
what are you trying to do,
ruin my chances?
I want a Windsor knot.
- All right Duke!
Hey, here comes Sgt. Bilko.
We've got to arrange
everything as fast...
Oops! I'm in the wrong barracks.
No, no this is our platoon.
Our platoon? Looks
like a sorority house.
What's going on here?
Where is Doberman?
Under the dryer? What is this?
- We want to look good.
- Oh I see, you want to look good.
So when the Lieutenant comes in
he picks you for
the part, right?
- Yeah.
- Jerks!
Look alive. You know who
the star of this picture will be?
Dirt! Dirt! That's
who the star is.
Dirt, everybody
dirt it up! Natural!
Like they make those
Italian pictures - realistic.
Come on get those
shoes outshined, be real.
Come on, sloppy it up a little.
Nelson in the back, I
don't want you down front.
Hey you, down here.
Wearing your hat
I noticed Fender?
Why? Take it off on the double.
Ashamed of the hairs you
lost in service of your country.
Wear that skin like a badge.
Be proud. Erect, look alive!
I run this thing, I'm
protecting you fellows.
Let's go! We've got
to rehearse that script.
First line here.
You're making faces
behind my back?
Now...
Sarge, what's with the
Davey Crockett hat?
What are you talking
about? What, what?
What, what?
- You've got a toupée.
- The roof! The wigwam.
This is what you're
discussing? Isn't that laughable?
You get so.. You love men so
much, they don't appreciate it,
they get suspicious.
You know I'm just wearing
this to protect my head
from those hot movie lights.
It was just laying around,
the first thing I picked up.
First thing you picked
up in the house?
You want to look better than us.
You want to get the part.
Quiet, quiet! It's
the first thing handy,
I just accidentally put it on.
All right, all right.
You feel better?
- Attention! At ease.
- Yes, sir.
Well, where is Pvt. All Thumbs?
Doberman? Rocco, Henshaw,
get Doberman! On the double.
Sir, I was thinking about
the part of the Sergeant
we shouldn't cast them as
this stereotype typical Sergeant
with hair and all that.
Sergeant, I will select the
role myself, if you don't mind.
Well of course
sir, please be free.
Ahh... That man there, Sergeant.
Oh Fleischman, a very
good type, you want him sir?
No, no, of course not! Not him,
the man in the back.
Is there a man
in, oh Pvt. Nelson,
I didn't know you were here.
Come right in, this
is your lucky day.
Is this the man eh?
- Yes, perfect, perfect.
I really admire your choice.
May I see you a moment sir?
Yes of course.
Do you want him to wear
this or the one he's got on?
You mean that he's...
As a doorknob sir.
Yes, and you see,
he sweats a lot so
it keeps slipping off.
We have a lot of glue; we
can keep putting it back.
No, no, no, no. Sergeant,
I'm afraid that man won't do.
Oh, I'm sorry Nelson, I tried.
You in the back, put
your hand up please?
That's Kadowski!
A wonderful choice.
Wonderful choice sir!
I'll start teaching him
the English language
immediately sir.
He doesn't know
how to speak English?
Oh you should see
him at the mess hall;
he is a regular chatter box.
He does very well, he
says, "me soldier me eat."
No.
But sir, we could use
English subtitles if you want.
Oh, never mind.
Well, who have we
got left to choose from?
Yes who have we got sir?
Men, Sgt. Bilko will play
the role of the Sergeant.
What, what I tried
nothing, and I didn't...
Hey Sarge, Sarge,
here's Doberman.
Oh Doberman, good old Doberman.
Pvt. All Thumbs, you
know I just can't wait
to get him in front of those
cameras tomorrow morning.
Oh he is a little
pixy isn't he, sir?
Oh you're gonna be great.
Where were you? Found
him hiding under a truck.
Come here. What's
with this hiding?
- What?
- Sarge I can't go through with it.
I can't face the
camera. I can't do it.
What are you talking about,
you'll be great, it's so simple.
I'll die, I'll die.
Dobbie, without you
they don't do the picture.
- We need you.
- Think of us.
- We're a platoon.
- Dobbie have a heart?
Stop heckling this man.
If he doesn't want
to be in the movies,
he doesn't have to
be. Maybe he can't act.
That's just it, I can't act.
Just a minute you
just used the word
that I don't allow
used in this barracks.
You said can't.
- I'm sorry, sir.
Now you watch that.
That's very simple.
You're gonna be
great, it's just one line.
Now I, as Pvt. or Sgt.
Steady, I will say to you,
"Private All Thumbs, how
do you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder
head?" and then you
as Pvt. All Thumbs,
you say this line here.
- I'll die, I'll die.
- Read it.
Pvt. All Thumbs how do
you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
I just give it a twist
with this wrench.
Sarge? Sarge? You're crying!
- I will be all right.
- What's the matter?
"What's the matter?" he asks.
With one line he
tears your heart out,
and he says,
"What's the matter?"
You mean, I was good?
Do I mean, it's
not for us to say?
If you're in doubt, we'll
leave it to this impartial group.
Men, what do you think?
Great. Great.
Sarge, do you think that I?
You heard what the
Lieutenant said, you're a star.
I'm a star.
Of course, all right
get to bed fellas;
we've got a big day
ahead of us tomorrow.
Rehearse your lines,
remember everything,
so that you're gonna
be great, Duane.
Get rid of this.
- Right.
- Oh Sarge!
- What?
Can I talk to you
alone for a moment?
Any time.
Sarge even if I'm a star, I
don't want you to treat me
any different, than
you do the rest of them.
Is that a grabber? Does
that get you right in here?
Did I tell you the bigger
they are, the nicer they are?
Good boy, Duane.
But Sarge, one more thing.
I noticed that I
only have one line,
Paparelli who is a
nothing has 3 lines.
Why? Why?
Now if I'm the star,
at least give me
something to sink my teeth...
All right let's get a
quick rehearsing in
before the Lieutenant
gets here, right?
Right.
You do the announcing, Rocco,
you know with the big
music, tatara tatara ta!
US Army Training Film B-624,
Prevention of Sludge and
Fouling of the Spark Plug.
Camera.
Camera zooms in to discover
good looking Sergeant hard
at work at the motor pool.
Action!
Oh, hello there,
fellow soldiers,
I'd like to take up
a subject with you
which invariably comes
up when G.Is get together.
The care and
maintenance of spark plugs.
First let us show
you the wrong way
to remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head.
Pvt. All thumbs!
Pvt. All thumbs!
This will be rich!
Pvt. All thumbs!
How do you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
Come on Doberman
that's your cue.
You want me to shout it from
back here among all the extras?
Oh Doberman, let him through.
Come on we've got no
time for that. Get in here.
This is your cue.
Pvt. All thumbs, how do
you remove a spark plug
from a cylinder head?
Can you hear it?
Say it. I can't hear you.
I'm trying to save my voice.
Oh come on, do the thing.
How do you remove a spark
plug from a cylinder head?
I just give a twist
with this wrench.
Very good.
Why don't you
hold the wrench up?
Are you trying to
tell me how to act?
Come on, come on, nobody
is telling you how to act.
Well if you want somebody
else to do the part,
it's all right with me.
What are you saying?
The fella is trying to
teach me how to act?
Nobody is trying
why don't shut up.
Attention.
What's the matter?
Some trouble here?
Just rehearsing
sir in a loud tone.
Oh I see, and you
Pvt. All Thumbs,
do you know your part mmh?
- One line.
- Oh he knows it sir.
He knows it very well.
All right Miller, let's go.
Places everybody.
- Places everybody.
Lights, camera.
US Army Training
Film B-624 take one.
Action.
Hey there fellow soldiers,
I would like to take
up a subject with you
which invariably comes
up when G.Is get together,
the care and the
maintenance of spark plugs.
First let us show
you the wrong way
to remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head.
Pvt. All Thumbs, All
Thumbs, say this will be rich.
Pvt. All Thumbs, how do
you remove a spark plug
from the cylinder head?
I ohh.
What is this, do
we have to cancel.
Sir, he will be all right.
What is the matter Doberman,
come on, what's with you?
Sarge the camera, those lights.
I'm scared.
Scared? What are you scared of?
The camera and the lights.
Oh come here,
take a walk with me.
What's there to be scared of?
Let's walk nice and slow.
What do we see here, a camera.
Touch it, come on touch it.
Eeh, say, "Hello, little camera!"
- Hello, little camera.
See the camera is a friend
of ours, it makes your picture.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
Is it the lights
that bother you?
Hey fellows, throw the
light on him, will you?
Look at the light on
you, can it hurt you?
It only makes you look nice.
Wave hello to the
electrician, call them Alec,
it's a joke they like that.
Hello Alec!
- Hello Alec!
- Hello!
- See they're all your friends.
That's the camera,
wave to the cameraman.
Nothing to be afraid
of, isn't it's ridiculous?
Come on let's do it, Davy boy.
Sir, we're ready.
He is all right, sir.
Yeah, let's do it now.
All right we'll
try it once more.
Right from the Sergeant's cue.
- My cue, what's my line?
- Here's Pvt. All Thumbs.
He knows my line
too. Ain't that cute?
All right, places.
Take 2. Action!
This will be rich. Here
is Pvt. All Thumbs,
how do you remove
a spark plug...
All right, all right!
That's all, that's all.
Sir, it's just a little tension.
Sergeant we're making
just a training film.
This is not War and Peace.
But sir, if he wasn't
so tense, he'd be fine.
Tense? He's most
relaxed man around here.
Sir, give him another
chance, will you?
All right, lock it up Miller,
we'll head back east.
Hey what about the
camera and the lights.
The Sergeant will tell you,
to tell you what do to with that.
- Okay.
Now Sergeant, I want
all this equipment packed
and ready for shipping
tomorrow, you hear me?
- Yes, sir.
- All right, you're in charge.
Won't you reconsider,
sir? Give us another.
- He's gone Doberman.
- You sure blew it.
- I'm sorry fellows, I failed.
- Come back here.
You didn't fail
anybody, it's my fault,
I tried to make you
something you weren't.
- I'm just a slob.
- That's true.
Yes, it's true but
you're happy slob.
Come on fellows, wasn't
it funny the way he...
What is this look of
stark disappointment?
What's the trauma in you?
What's so important,
a measly training film
that G.Is fall asleep before
the title even comes out?
- And why do they make them?
- Why? It's the Army.
Why? Can they make them like
they make in Hollywood with girls
dancing entertainment,
no that's not what spark plug
Okay Sergeant,
what do we do now?
Do now, what do you mean?
Well you heard the
lieutenant, until he gets back,
you're in charge.
Where do you want the
camera lights put away sir?
Leave them right where they are.
- What do you mean?
- We're gonna make a picture.
- We're gonna make a picture?
- Yes, we are.
We're going to make a picture
that G.Is will understand
about spark plugs.
We're going to do it right.
- Col. Cobb?
- What's up?
It's an emergency.
It might be to drag us away
from the Senator's party
in the middle of the
night to see a training film.
It was rushed here by a plane
from Kansas, marked top secret.
Top secret, a training film.
Lt. Pierson was on the
phone, he sounded hysterical.
- Well run it.
- Oh no, another training film.
I've been looking
at them for 20 years
and I still don't know
wrench from a screwdriver.
Go ahead.
This is Spark Plug Feature
Training Film. Go! Go! Go!
Hi there, how are you?
We've got something for you.
Something every
mechanic should know.
The spark plug is the part
that makes the pistons flutter.
It needs a lot of loving
care to make it sputter.
So don't just guess keep
your feeler gauge handy.
With the spark gap at 0300.
But now the stage
and scenes are set
for a story that
you won't forget.
What every young
spark plug should know.
Once there was a motor pool,
just the other mechanics do.
Happy, happy motor pool.
Once there was a
happy, happy motor pool.
There were wise old adjustments.
Steady reliable,
daily inspection.
Ever helpful, little Army
Mechanic's Manual.
Proper installation,
healthy young lubrication
and wise old experience
hand-in-hand they work together
keeping the Army
vehicles rolling.
Then one day young new
parts came in with some news.
It's arrived
fellows. It's arrived.
A brand new little spark plug.
They were all so
happy to see him,
but like any little rookie, he
thought that he knew it all.
They tried to give him advice,
but the little spark plug said,
"Feedle de dee, feedle de dee.
I'm young and clean.
What can happen to me?"
Ooh.
Suddenly initiative had an idea.
And from the scrap
pile they summoned
an old broken down spark
plug that had been through it all.
Tell him, tell him. Tell him.
- Hello there young fellow!
- Get lost old man.
Ugh!
Oh I too was once young
and cocky like you are.
I too didn't listen to my
friends in the motor pool
and look at me today.
Old washed up at
only 3,000 miles.
Why don't you get away
from me? Leave me alone!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
There was nothing they could do.
He roared around the highway.
And then one day, it happened.
He was idling in front of a
out-of-bound filling station,
when suddenly...
I am sludge.
Engine sludge.
- You are?
- I like your speed.
I like the way that
you don't take any lip
from those old creeps
down at the motor pool.
- Yeah.
- Dance with me, you fool.
It will be a short
ride but a merry one.
- Save him, save him.
- Help him!
I will save him. I will
lure him away from her.
So you can give him
proper oil lubrication
and engine care.
- May I cut in?
- You?
I finished you off miles ago.
Oh what do you
want with this kid.
You don't want rob the carton,
I will show you a gay time.
You, you're through.
Oh don't let appearances fool
you, and let me tell you why.
There's still a spark left
in the old plug tonight.
A spark that can
burst into flame.
Remember the fun
we had under the hood,
when my threads were not worn
and my coils were still good.
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight,
there'll be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
There is still a spark
left in the old plug tonight.
A spark that can burst
into flame, duru ruru ruru.
Remember the fun
we had under the hood,
when my threads were not worn
and my coils were still good.
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight.
There will be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
What do you think of that?
Who are you kidding,
you're through.
Yes, but I've
protected him from you.
You mean, you're clean!
Yes proper motor maintenance,
and proper oil lubrication
has saved him from you!
Go sludge! Go! You're through.
Go!
Foiled again by
correct engine care.
Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
I've been such a fool.
Don't thank me; thank your
friends in the motor pool.
Oh and now,
now it's back to
junk heap for me.
Wait he saved the
kid. Let's save him.
We will recap him.
- We'll glaze his porcelain -
Using the latest training methods.
It's all in here in page 209,
reclamation of old spark plugs.
We'll give him
new life! New life!
With my porcelain shined
and my gaskets on tight,
there will be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
I feel so happy,
there'll be a spark
in the old plug tonight.
Fort Baxter?
Get me Lt. Pierson immediately.
Girls! Music!
Pierson who did it?
Who did it?
Sgt. Bilko. Well
get him. Get him!
Run along dear. What
you're about to hear
is not for a woman's ears.
See Earl, I didn't
know that sludge
could gather in the spark plug
if the ignition coil and
distributor capacitor
were not adjusted with
the correct circuit tester.
Certainly we've been
trying to drum that
into the mechanics heads for...
Can you imagine, improper
spark plug maintenance
can cause enough
excess heat to crystallize
the steering knuckle flanges?
Where did you learn that?
Well it's obvious it was all
explained in that training film.
- It was?
- Yes, it's true isn't it?
Yes, yes.
Sir, I heard you
wanted to see me,
and as late as it was
I came dashing over.
It's later than you
think Sgt. Bilko.
Gen. Cobb wants
to talk with you.
Oh, I'm not dressed properly.
Bilko, you come back here.
You're going to find out
what flagrant disregard
of government property means.
Here he is, general.
Gen. Cobb, sir, Sgt.
Bilko on this end.
Yes, sir.
Thank you Sir, it's awfully
nice of you to take the trouble.
No sir, it's the first
one I've ever done.
Oh did you like that much,
well thank you very much sir.
Lt. Pierson?
Oh yes, he cooperated
to the fullest sir.
Yes, he gave me full
reign. He was splendid.
Thank you sir. That's nice!
Well sir, it makes me feel
a little foolish to do that.
Well if it's an order
sir, I'll have to.
There's still a spark left
in the old plug tonight.
A spark that will...
Announcer: also
appearing in tonight's cast,
were Ralph Stantley
as Lt. Pierson,
Virginia De Louse was Sludge,
Edwin Cooper played Gen. Cobb.
And Alice Yourman was Mrs. Cobb.