The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 33 - War Games - full transcript

Now, now, dear, it's good
luck when the best man is late.

This is getting ridiculous.

Where is that Sergeant
Bilko best man of yours?

Excuse me, I'm checking.

Hello, hello?

Fort Baxter?

I'm-I'm looking
for Sergeant Bilko.

What?

Well, what is it?

They're looking for him, too.

Let me have that phone.



Let me talk to your
commanding officer Colonel Hall.

This is George Bigel...

Captain Bigelow of the
National Guard speaking.

Yes.

Sergeant Bilko... best man.

I haven't liked him

since we caught him
trying to pawn the ring.

Hello?

Oh, in conference.

All right, I'll call
him back later, yes.

So you nabbed him in time, huh?

- Yes, sir.
- "Nabbed him"?

Sir, you make it
sound like I'm a crim...

I said nabbed you.



Bilko, you knew you
were restricted to quarters

awaiting an assignment.

Sir, I was just strolling
around the post...

Where did you nab him?

He was headed toward
the back area, sir.

You see, there's a hole in the
fence there and that's where...

I know that hole.

It's the one they call "Bilko's
gateway to happiness."

Uh, good work,
Corporal. Dismissed.

Colonel, about that hole...

I had noticed the
hole in the fence.

I was on my way to patch it up.

- Quiet!
- But he...

On your way to patch it up, huh?

Patch it up... My, beautiful.

I'm the last to know
when the Army issues

a new type of fatigue uniform.

Colonel, sir, I
think I can explain...

You think you can explain.

I know I can.

You were on your way to be
best man at that wedding in town,

after I told you that
this assignment came up

and you'd have to make
other arrangements.

- But sir, I had the ring.
- I know.

And he's my best friend.

He must be, to give you a ring.

Gee whiz, sir, the
way you put that...

Bilko, you know I give
you men every break.

I let you off for these
special occasions.

But this is a
priority assignment.

Those rookies will arrive here

from the induction
center at any minute.

Rookies? What rookies, sir?

What rookies?

You mean you didn't
even read the orders?

Sir, I've been very busy.

Doing what?

Your motor pool
platoon is on bivouac.

An annual event.

Which, as usual, you got out of.

Well, sir, you see,
my leg... It's been in...

Oh, yes, your leg, yeah.

I noticed it doesn't bother you
when you hear about a poker game

at the other end of the post.

I've seen you outrun jeeps.

Sir, if you're going to
believe a lot of rumors

spread by disgruntled
losers, why those...

Bilko, all I'm
interested in is seeing

that you get these new recruits
their first week basic training.

But, sir, you see, basic
training... it's so physical.

I've spent my entire Army
career concentrating on more...

I know what you've
concentrated on,

and we're trying
to stamp it out.

Now, get ready.

Hello.

Oh, Captain Bigelow
of the National Guard?

Uh... oh, yeah, put him on.

He-He probably wants to
talk about the war games.

- Sir, I think that's for me.
- You?

Yes, sir, you see,
that's the father of the girl

that's going to
marry my best friend.

Those two souls just
waiting to be united, sir.

Answer it.

This is Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant Bilko, what's
the meaning of this?!

We're standing
around here like idiots!

Hello, Dad.

Let me talk to him.

Ernie, what happened?

Look, Harry, if you
want me for best man,

I think you have to make
a postponement for a while.

A postponement?!

Ernie, I can't go
through this again.

Look at my hands.

Wait a second, just wait.

Sir, can I give him
a definite date?

You can leave the
post Friday night.

Friday night? That's the
night of the war games, sir.

I know.

I want you as far
away as possible.

This year, I intend to win.

Harry?

- Friday.
- Friday?

That's the earliest?

Okay, Ernie, but please,
please don't fail me.

- Your draw.
- I'll take one.

♪ ...in the Army now ♪

- ♪ We're not behind a plow ♪
- Here they come.

- Why must they always sing?
- ♪ We'll never get rich ♪

- ♪ By digging a ditch ♪
- Come on, welcoming committee.

- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hup, two, three, four.

- ♪ We're not behind a plow ♪
- Hup, two, three, four.

- Hup, two, three, four.
- ♪ We'll never get rich ♪

♪ By digging a ditch, we're
in the Army now. ♪ -Hup, two

three four, hup,
two, three, four.

Company, halt.

One, two.

Basic Training
Squad 345, Section B

reporting at Fort
Baxter to Sergeant Bilko

for basic training instructions.

Hi.

Sorry, sir, our
truck broke down.

- That's why we're an hour late.
- That's all right...

Did we miss much?

Oh, get this.

Here's an eager
beaver-eenio here.

What's your name, son?

Hawkins.

Hawkins. Write down
that name... "Hawkins."

Right after it, put "WHC."

I'll tell you what it means...
"watch him closely."

Back in line.

All right, men...

We're anxious
to get started, sir.

- Started?
- Yes, sir.

We want to get out in the field.

Whoa, whoa, what's this
"started"? Where are you going?

Uh, well, we want to
start our basic training.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Well, well, here, take it easy.

You're all tensed up.

A tense soldier
is no good to me.

Relax. You got a week to relax.

And walk around the
post, become acquainted.

Drop in at the PX.

Investigate the service clubs.

Look in at the game rooms.

You can see Corporal
Barbella about Ping-Pong balls.

Ten-shun!

Dismissed. Who deals?
You got the cards...?

- But Sergeant.
- Yes?

Uh, Sergeant,
according to the schedule,

we're supposed to be on
the rifle range this afternoon.

That's right.

My bad ear. I didn't
hear too... But sir...

- Who deals? Get the cards...
- He's...

- But Sergeant.
- What is it?

The schedule says we're
supposed to get marksmanship tests,

close-order drill, map reading
and obstacle course this week.

- What's your name, soldier?
- My name, sir?

Name, rank and serial number.

Wi-Wilkins, William
B. Recruit 51076361.

Listen here, 5361,
you're in the Army now.

Up to now, you've
been taking orders

from Buffalo Bob and Pinky Lee.

Now you're taking
orders from me.

I just told you to relax.
And that's what I want.

Relax! Take it easy!
Let that tension go!

Relax! Go on!

Browse through a comic
book. Who deals? I got...

- He's the...
- Oh, but sir.

Get off my back, will ya, kid?

But, Sergeant, if we
don't do anything, sir,

what are you going to put down
on our weekly progress report?

Weekly progress
report? What's that?

He's right, Ernie.
You got to fill this out.

Here's a list of things they got
to do by the end of the week.

All right, might as well
get it over with now.

What's first?

"Close-order drill."

Close-order drill. I just
have to look at you guys,

I know you're great
at that. Put down

"Experts, close-order drill."

Easy. What is there to
it? There's nothing to it.

What are you making
a big...? All right,

I'll put you through it.
Show you how we do it.

Ten-shun!

Right... hut!

Parade... right... flank!

Parade... right!

Company... right!

Company halt!

Did you ever see such precision?

Did you ever seen
such sharpness?

Mark down "Close-order
drill excellent."

As you were,
gentlemen. Hup, hup.

What's next?

- Marksmanship.
- Marksmanship.

All right, any of you
guys ever fire a gun?

- No.
- No, sir.

Well, the rest of you guys
can can tell the rest about it...

Put down "Marksmanship
excellent." Very good.

All right, next?

"Character of recruits."

Character of recruits is
a very important detail.

We want to know how
the boys stack up...

You dropped a dollar, Sarge.

Fine. Put down "Honest boys...
Can be trusted with anything."

Very good.

Next?

"Do the recruits seem
happy in their surroundings?"

Do the recruits seem
happy in their surround...?

All you men answer
after me, "Yes."

Yes.

Put down "They love it
here; it's just like their home.

Everybody's very happy."
All right, what's next?

That's all there is.

Well, that week certainly
went fast, didn't it, gentlemen?

All right, boys, step around,
have fun, take it easy,

do what you want.

If you come in late, tippy-toe
in; people are sleeping.

Now come on, get the
cards and we'll start...

What was that?

I didn't say anything, sir.

Just testing you.

I don't want an eager
beaver on my hands.

Good boy. Take it easy
and you'll live longer.

You'll be old and
gray before your time.

Sir, I didn't mean to be a pest,

but you see, I was top
man in my military school

and I wanted to start
off my Army career

by being a part of a
crack basic training squad.

Kid, you're going
to be all right.

Wait till you see that
report I make out on you.

I wouldn't be surprised if
they send you up to New York

to head the Army Day Parade.

Sarge, how are we going to
march if we don't go out on the...

on the parade ground?

Go out? Go...
What is this go out?

What are you, fresh air
fiends? What... go out, go out!

Listen, I'm a little
suspicious of rookies

who always want to
go out of the barracks.

Show me a guy who
leaves the barracks a lot,

I'll show you a future AWOL.

But, sir, we have to go out.

You want to go out, go ahead.

- Go. On your way.
- But, Sergeant,

regulations state that
every basic training squad

must be accompanied
by its sergeant.

Oh, that's the whole routine.

You all got together,
ganged up, huh?

Let's put the old sergeant
through the paces, huh?

Let's get him out
in that broiling sun.

Let's march the old sarge
way up to the rifle range.

You don't care about
the years and the injuries

I've given to my country.

That's the way you want it...

All right, I'll
fall in with you.

Corporal, how far is
it to that rifle range?

- Three miles.
- Three miles.

It's three miles
to the rifle range.

Follow me, men.

- Sergeant Bilko.
- Yes, what is it?

- I'm sorry, sir.
- Sorry for what?

I want none of your sympathy.

You want me to lead you, and
by George, I'm gonna lead you.

Onward to the rifle range.

Stand back.

I want no consideration

just because this leg
has been shattered.

I'll lead you, even
if it takes one leg.

Forward, men.

Sarge!

No, no, I must lead
these men. They need me.

Sergeant, I'll be glad to go
out and train the men for you.

- Good boy.
- But we need a sergeant.

I appreciate your
words, Sergeant Wilkins.

Sergeant Wilkins?

But I don't want this to spread
around with the other officers.

You know, they're very
jealous around here.

Now, keep it under your hat.

- Yes, sir.
- I trust you with these men.

Handle 'em and
take 'em on the way.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you. Get in line.

Right face.

Forward... hut!

- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two, three!

- ♪ We're not behind a plow ♪
- Hut, two, three!

- ♪ We'll never get rich by
digging a ditch ♪ -Hut, two,

- three, four! Hut!
- ♪ We're in the Army now. ♪

Hut!

Who deals?

Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.

Company, halt.

Well, commandos, how are you?

Where you been? I've been
missing you around here.

Oh, we've been here, sir.

We've just been leaving
before you got up,

and getting back
after you were asleep.

Here's a list of things
we just completed, sir.

Oh, it's lonesome around...
All I do is sign papers.

Off you go, and I never see you.

Wilkins taught us all
about map reading, sir.

And gave us an
orientation on the M1 rifle.

- Yeah.
- And compass variations.

No kidding? Good boy.

Now there's another little
phase of Army maneuvers

you got to learn.
It's very good for you.

It's just as important
as combat duty.

It's called poker.

I'm going to teach it to
you. It's very relaxing.

Attention!

Now you take a card...

Sir, I was just teaching
them a little jujitsu...

- At ease.
- To get the boys up and everything.

You don't have to tell us

what you've been teaching
these men, Sergeant Bilko.

I don't?

No, sir. The records prove it.

Highest platoon in marksmanship.

Highest rating in drill.

New record set on
the obstacle course.

Bilko, you've trained them well.

How about that? Thank you, sir.

What the training
officers liked most

was that they were never
conscious that you were around.

I wasn't.

I was behind a tree,
watching them all the time.

Good. Develop
self-reliance in the recruits.

Oh, by the way, Bilko,

a Harry Burns has
been calling constantly.

Same message... "Be
sure you make it tonight."

Yes, I know. I'm the best
man at his wedding tonight, sir.

But the war games are tonight.

Well, the Colonel excused me.

As a matter of fact, he
insisted I stay away from 'em.

Well, I hope the sergeant who
takes over this squad tomorrow

does half as good as you do.

That's very nice of you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Gosh, you're leaving us, sir?

Well, that's the way it goes.

But I'm gonna miss you boys
with the pitter-patter of feet

and the little sing-songy
voices in the barracks.

But that's the way it goes.

Well, sir, you see,
we want to thank you,

because, uh, you were a
great inspiration to us, sir.

You are the finest sergeant
a squad could ever have.

In here... Does it
get you in here?

Good boy. And that
makes me feel very proud,

and makes me very proud of
you. You've done a darn good job.

I... I'm thinking of
recommending you for West Point.

West Point, sir?

Yes, you know, the
Long Gray Line...

Flirtation Walk, Maureen O'Hara.

- Gosh.
- Yeah.

Yes, I may write
your congressman.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Three cheers for Sergeant Bilko!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

- Hip, hip... -Hooray!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

Now look, first you take a
card, and then we'll make...

- Sarge!
- All right, later, later.

According to our information,

if we launch our attack at 1900,

we catch the main
National Guard concentration

at this point here.

We'll beat them this time, sir.

We better. If I lose to the
National Guard once more,

I'm going to resign.

Now, here's our attack.

Well, now, according
to my policy,

the, uh, top honor squad of
the post spearheads the attack.

Now, which squad is that?

We just checked the records,
sir, and the winning squad is

Basic Training
Squad 345, Section D.

Ehh...

They rung up one of the
finest scores on the post, sir.

Eh, good. Now, who's
the squad leader?

Sergeant Bilko.

Good, we'll...

Bilko? Lieutenant,
if that's a joke,

it's in very bad taste.

A joke, sir?

Well, look at the
records of this squad, sir.

Map reading, terrain
recognition, night maneuvers.

They'll follow a needle
through a haystack.

With Bilko leading 'em,
our worries are over, sir.

Bilko spearheading an
attack? Why, I've never all...

never allowed him
in the games before.

Why, he just stays
back here on the post

and makes book on
how soon I'll be captured.

Why, that's ridiculous!

Ridiculous, huh?

Last year, he won $200.

Huh? Huh?!

Little flash in the
ol' Sarge left, huh?

Gee, Sarge, we sure wish

we could finish our
training under you.

I know, but you got to learn
to stand on your own two feet.

Gee, we're sure
gonna miss you, Sarge.

I'll miss you guys, too.

I'll be interested in
what'll happen to you.

Listen, if you get
shipped overseas,

look, you ever find
yourself in Manila,

I got a telephone
number for you.

May I tell you?!

Sarge!

He'll be a year older.

Now look, this girl's
name is Tangerine...

Ten-shun!

And has she got the
most... Lieutenant.

- At ease.
- Sir.

Sergeant Bilko, congratulations.

Oh, anybody looks good
when they're fitted right, sir.

Yes. Sergeant, you've been
chosen the honor squad.

- Honor squad!
- Us?!

- Hey!
- How about that?!

Never have we seen a
squad so beautifully trained.

Look at these terrain
recognition problems.

How you like that?
Terrain... What? What is that?

He means the tangents to the
perimeter angles you taught us.

Oh, yes, the terangents
of the perimeter.

It wasn't easy, sir.

Never have I seen a squad

that shows such clear
trajectory perambulars.

I've been working
on our trajectory...

The equation of the
projectile velocity.

Is that beautiful?

You tell it to them
once, they remember it.

Very sharp little minds.

I tell you, Bilko, never
have I felt such confidence

in these war games tonight,

now that you're
spearheading the attack.

How about this, huh? I'm...

I'm gonna spearhead the what?

It's the colonel's orders.

The honor platoon
leads the attack.

But sir, I-I can't!

I gotta be best man at
a wedding tonight, sir.

There mu... must
be some mistake.

No, no, there's no
mistake, Sergeant.

Be ready to jump off at 1900.

Jump off? Sir, if I'm
not at that wedding,

there's a groom gonna
jump off a building, sir.

I'm sorry, Bilko.

How can you speak of wedding?

Here's a map.

We'll brief you just
before the zero hour.

But, sir, this
bridegroom's on the verge

of a nervous breakdown.

I've got to be there!

Sorry, Bilko. Every war
must have its casualties.

And this is war. That's all.

Thank you, sir.

Gotta find a way to get
out of these war ga...

- Wilkins, here.
- Yes, sir.

How long will it take me
to contact the enemy?

Well, if we bring the main
force up on a flanking attack...

Flanking?! What's in the...?

Me! How long will it take
me to contact the enemy?

Yourself? But, sir, that's
bravery above and beyond...

Don't worry about
the bravery and above.

In a straight line,

how long will it take me
to contact the enemy?

32 minutes, sir.

Here. Let me see.

If I start at 7:00, I
should be there by 7:32.

Uh, let me see. I
surrender... Surrender?!

And I'm out of there
by a quarter to 8:00.

Right?

But, Sarge, isn't
there some red tape

about handing over your sword?

Handing over my sword?

That's for officers.

Enlisted men, all they
have to do is holler, "Fins!"

That's all.

Sarge, it won't work. They're
gonna take you prisoner.

Right. I gotta...
Wilkins... Yes, sir?

Forget about West
Point. Come on.

Stand by, all combat units.

Army "B" for "Baker."

It is now zero minus five.

This is it, men.

We jump off in five minutes.

Peterson, you check
that compass variation?

Check.

Bazooka team ready?

- Check.
- How's the field radio?

- Check.
- Check.

Men, Sergeant Bilko is
in there waiting to lead us.

We mustn't let him down.

- Check?
- Check!

Easy, easy.

Ernie, you're crazy going AWOL!

Relax.

And on the night
of the war games.

What AWOL? Why
don't you get smart?

I'm just gonna get
lost for a little while.

Ernie, I don't like it!

Oh, shut up. I know
these war games.

It's dark out there.
Guys get lost.

Sometimes you don't hear
from them for three days.

I'm over the wall,
through the fence,

out on the road hitching a ride.

I'll be at that wedding

before the first note
of "Oh, Promise Me."

Ten-shun!

What's that? Hat, hat!

Oh, Bilko, there you are.

Major, sir, I was just laying
out some last-minute plans.

Final briefing. Bilko,
you know the terrain.

Bisect perimeter "B," probe
zones six, seven, eight.

Report back X-42 in
code "D" for "David."

Yes, sir.

Explain it to your men.

Men, you heard
every word he said.

Remember every decimal
point of what you just heard.

- Synchronize watches.
- Synchronize watches.

Five, four, three, two.

Hyup!

Good show!

Thank you, sir.

Stand by, Spearhead
Squad "B" for "Bilko."

It's now zero minus three.

All right, men...

This is it.

I've taught you
everything I know.

The rest is up to you.

We'll come through, Sarge.

I know you will, but
after all, it is combat.

Things might happen.

We may become separated.

Oh, don't worry, Sarge.
We'll stick with you.

He's gonna stick with me.

Now look... things do happen!

People do get separated.

Think for yourself.

Oh, don't worry, Sarge.

We won't disgrace you.

It's no disgrace!

Remember the Lost Battalion?

They were heroes.

I have an idea I'm looking
at another Lost Battalion.

Now, men, make me proud of you.

Good show!

Men, get out there
and give 'em heck.

We're with you, Sergeant.

Hey!

They're with me.

But not for long, huh?

Oh, hat, hat, my hat!

Solid!

Time is zero minus one.

Wilkins!

Private Fleischman.

Sergeant Bilko just
climbed out the window.

He's headed for the back fence!

This is it, men.

He's testing our alertness.

Scouts, follow him!

Pick up his trail! We
must not lose him!

Check!

Radio headquarters.

The rest of you men, follow me!

Spearhead Squad "B"
for "Bilko" to headquarters.

We are jumping off.
We are jumping off.

Coming!

There he goes.

Scouts, commandeer
a car and follow him.

- Check.
- Check.

TX the HQ.

The rest of you men, follow me.

Sector seven.

- Sector seven.
- Sector seven.

Point six.

- Point six.
- Point six.

Position seven.

- Position seven.
- Position seven.

Wait. Why, they're going
in the wrong direction!

Bilko must have spotted a
change in the enemy concentration.

There's some more coming in.

"We just crossed Highway 14."

Highway 14.

Crossed Highway 14.

That was sector 14.

- Sector 14.
- Sector 14.

They've gone off the map!

- What is it?
- You're where?

Highway 40?

Highway 40?!

That's not even on the map!

We could stop at a filling
station and get a road map.

A road map?! What
kind of a war is this?

Well, they're the
spearhead, sir.

- They know what they're doing.
- Hang on, we're

- following you up.
- They're going the wrong direction.

Send up the advance
units. Send up the flares.

Headquarters to Tank Unit "B":

Start pulling up
positions. We'll follow.

Send up the artillery,
all the heavy stuff.

- We're moving in!
- What do I have to do, join an auto club?

It was sure nice of
you to give me this lift.

Well, let's get going, if you
want to make that wedding.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Hey, Nick...

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, this is on me.

- Here you are, Nick.
- Thank you.

You know, when I picked you up,

- I never figured you for a soldier.
- Soldier!

We don't get many
soldiers in this place.

- Why don't you tell your buddies about it?
- I'll do that, Nick.

If you'll just drop me
off at a flower shop.

Sure, sure, anything.

Scouts, follow him!

- Check!
- Check!

Set up field quarters.

Send our position.

Tell 'em this is Advance
Base "A" for "Able."

The rest of you men, follow me!

Advance Base "A" for
"Able" to headquarters.

Reporting... Reporting position.

Advance Base "A" for
"Able" to headquarters.

Reporting position. Advance...

Headquarters calling
Advance Base "A" for "Able."

Headquarters calling
Advance Base "A" for "Able."

Where are they?!

What's your position?

Nick's Diner.

Nick's Diner?!

Why, that isn't even
on the road map.

Maybe they're listed
in Duncan Hines.

There you are, sir,
our wedding special.

Very nice. I guess
you've been pretty busy

with that wedding
up the street, huh?

Oh, yes, but it's quiet now.

Yeah, thanks very much.

Thank you. Good night.

I have no money!

Scouts, don't lose him!

- Check.
- Check.

Call headquarters.
Send our position.

The rest of you men, follow me.

Advance Base "A" for
"Able" to headquarters.

Reporting new p... re...
reporting new position.

Now where are they?

Headquarters
calling "B" for "Bilko."

Headquarters
calling "B" for "Bilko."

State your position.

"Sam's Florist Shop"?

Sam's Florist Shop?

Oh, I'm looking at the menu!

Not here.

We are gathered here
today to join in matrimony

the two young people
who stand before me.

And it gives me special pleasure
to be here on this occasion,

because I have known the
Bigelow family for a long time.

Oh!

Henrietta!

- Henrietta!
- Get some water!

No, no, no, no, no,
go on with the wedding!

Mother would have
wanted it that way!

But sir...

No, no, get on with
the wedding, will ya?!

I have to rejoin my regiment!

Come on, dear.

- Wake up.
- Take it from the top, Rev, huh?

- Friends...
- You're all right now.

We are gathered
here today to join...

Don't move!

- Good show, Fleischman!
- Check.

What are you doing here?

Well, isn't this their
headquarters, sir?

What is the meaning
of this, Bilko?!

I never saw these
men before in my life.

Must be a Boy Scout
jamboree. Back to your tents!

- We simply can't go on!
- On with the wedding.

- Go on with the wedding!
- Let's go on.

No, go on with the wedding!

- Get in your places.
- Ernie?

We'll go right
on like nothing...

Will you get out of here? Go on.

- Hit it, Rev.
- Friends...

we are gathered here today

to join in matrimony
the two young...

- Establish the beachhead!
- Who are these people?!

Bilko!

Colonel, were you
invited to the wedding?

- What is the meaning of...?!
- I demand an expl...!

Keep out of this!

Well, well, Captain Bigelow
of the National Guard.

Yes, and I... Men,
place him under arrest!

You can't...!

We've captured their commander!

You... we haven't started yet!

You're craz... we...
The war is over!

- Finish the wedding! Finish the wedding!
- The wedd...

Won't you stay for the
refreshments, Colonel?

- Go right in...
- Friends...

Wilkins was played
by Eddie Bruce,

George Bigelow
by Humphrey Davis.

Lieutenant Anderson
was played by Jim Perry.