The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 29 - The Physical Check-Up - full transcript

Sergeant Bilko!

- The men are ready for roll...
- All right, all right.

Don't break down the
door. What are you...?

A miserable time.

They get you up at the
early crack in the morning.

Who needs this?
Where are they? Here?

Wait till I get them in focus,

- 'cause, oh, what a miserable...
- Roll call!

Shh. What are you screaming at?

Take it easy. Shh.

- Roll call. Anderson.
- Yo.



Doberman.

Shut...!

Quiet!

Look, men, when
I call your name,

do me a favor, just
raise your hands.

- Hangover, eh, Sarge?
- Who said that?

Get me the name of
the man who said that!

- Sarge, all I...
- No, no!

- Name, rank and serial number.
- But, Sarge, all I did was...

All you did was
slander your sergeant.

A sergeant who
works while you sleep.

Yes, men, while you were
in dreamland last night,

I was in there all night
arranging schedules.

Is that why we heard
those voices last night



saying, "I raise you ten.

I think you're
bluffing. You in"?

Really, Mullen?

Wouldn't you be
happier back in civilian life

in your old job as
a Peeping Tom?

Hey, Sarge, we got to get
to work in the motor pool.

Are you kidding? I
got to get some sleep.

I got the air mattress in back
of the five-ton truck, Sarge.

- You get a little shut-eye.
- Good boy, good boy.

Now, look, men, when
you're working today,

not too much noise, huh?

Stay away from the fenders.

Keep away from the piston rods.

Just grease jobs, you know?

And when you squish, - shh...
- Ten-hut!

Hey! What is he screaming...?

Lieutenant, sir.

All work scheduled
for today is canceled.

At 1000 hours, this
platoon, led by its sergeant,

will assemble on
the parade ground

with full field pack
for the 20-mile hike,

which this platoon
somehow missed last month.

Oh, sir, we didn't miss it.

We happened to take a
wrong turn, and there we were

- at the Paradise Bar and Grill, sir.
- Never mind.

Thank you, sir.

Just shut up!

A hike going to kill you?

Look at you... you're
flabby. You need it.

Little workout will
do you some good.

Besides, it'll teach
you a little self-reliance.

- Self-reliance?
- Yes.

I won't be along with you.

Dismissed!

Sarge, ain't you
going to go with us?

Are you kidding?
In my condition?

- Get me my hat.
- Right, Sarge.

I got to go over
and see the colonel

and talk him out of this detail.

What excuse did I use last time?

- Flange foot.
- Flange foot.

I'll do it again. He'll
never remember.

And, look, fix up my
place so I can take a nap.

It will be nice and quiet
with you guys gone.

- Right, Sarge.
- And, look,

take it easy. Have a nice hike.

Thanks, Sarge.

Sarge, what's the
matter with your foot?

- I got, uh... what is it?
- Flange foot.

Flange foot. It's
murder. I suffer a lot.

See that this gets
to all sergeants

- of the top three grades.
- Yes, sir.

Physical exam for all
top sergeants tomorrow?

Oh, it's nothing.

Every couple of years, they
send a medical man to check.

Uh, did you inform Bilko's
platoon of that 20-mile hike?

- Oh, yes, sir.
- Ah.

Oh, there's Bilko.

Yeah, he's trying
to get out of it.

Good morning, sir.

Oh, sir, I see you're up
with the rooster again.

What a sterling example
you set for the men, sir.

What is it, Bilko?

Flange foot again?

Flan...? Oh, you remember.

The colonel has a
memory like an elephant, sir.

- A veritable elephant!
- Quiet. Quiet.

I checked with
the medical officer.

There's no such
thing as flange foot.

There's no...?

Well, sir, that accounts of
why I recovered so quickly, sir.

You see... shim-pum!
And it was gone.

The strangest thing.

But what I have now
is a rare disease, sir.

It's really dreadful.

It's been the bane of
the Bilkos for years, sir.

Funkelman's hoof, sir.

- It's...
- Funkelman's hoof?

Oh, yes, it eats its way right
through the metatarsals, sir.

- It's really dreadful.
- Never mind.

I have already put you
down for flange foot.

Give this to Captain Barker,

and he'll excuse
you from the hike.

Well, thank you, sir.

You've been here eight
years, and I still find it hard

to think of you as
one of our soldiers.

But, sir, I mean...

I know you occasionally
sleep here and eat here,

but I somehow keep
thinking of you as a civilian.

- A civilian, sir?
- Yes.

Even now, I feel uncomfortable

at you standing
there at attention.

I somehow want to
ask you to have a chair.

Oh, the colonel
is pulling my leg.

You do come out with a
crackerjack, every once...

- Quiet!
- Yes, sir.

Bilko, you've been in
the service for 15 years.

Haven't you even been curious

about the military
side of Army life?

Well, really, sir, I'll... I
believe that the records

- will show, sir, that I...
- I know.

I wonder if the
records would show

that you're probably
the only man

who will ever leave Fort Baxter

without ever having
been on the drill field.

Drill...? Do we
have a drill field?

Oh, yes. Yes, I've seen it, sir.

It's that flat terrain

- with the little markings on it.
- I give up.

- Dismissed.
- Thank you very much.

Colonel, uh, am I privileged

to speak off the
record, sir, please?

What is it?

Is there something
troubling the colonel?

- Something wrong?
- Of course not. Why?

Well, sir, I-I came in here,

- and without any... you just...
- Oh.

Because I let you off
the hike without any fuss?

Well, sir, we usually do
have a go at it, sir, don't we?

What for, Bilko?

After all, a 20-mile hike
might be too much at your age.

- At my age, sir?
- Well, let's face it, Bilko.

- You're not a rookie anymore.
- Well, sir, but let me

point out that I'm in
the best of shape, sir.

- I...
- Who?

Oh, Major Hollister? Put him on.

Sir, that last remark about...

Uh, that'll be all, old man.

Old man?

Uh, send in Lieutenant
Anderson with those shop records.

- Hi, Ernie.
- Hi.

- Something wrong?
- Wrong? No!

Never felt younger.

Never felt better in my life.

- You look terrible.
- Oh, that.

Well, I had a rough night.

- Hey, Joanie.
- What?

What's wrong with the colonel?

What do you mean?

Well, I went in to
goof off on a hike,

and he didn't
even put up a fight.

He's just resigned to the fact

that you're going to
outsmart him every time.

- That's all.
- I guess that's it.

He's just throwing in the towel.

Here, this is for you.

They have Major Newman
coming on the post tomorrow

to give you a special
physical exam.

- Okay, honey, I'll see you at the dance.
- Okay.

Special physical exam?

Who needs a special physical
exam? Are they kidding?

It's the colonel's
orders, Ernie.

That's it.

- What?
- That explains everything.

Oh, sure.

Joanie, the colonel is trying
to kick me out of the Army.

- Are you crazy?
- Yes.

I'm not so crazy, and, oh, no,
he's not throwing in the towel.

This is just his way
of saying good-bye.

He just waited till
he thought I grew old,

then he sent in a hatchet
man... That medical major...

Trying to get me out
on a medical discharge!

- Ernie, these medical things are simply...
- No, no.

Look, let's face facts.

They got me over the barrel.

Technically, they got me.

Look at me... I'm nearsighted,
I'm 15 pounds overweight,

fallen arches,

I'm starting to lose my hair.

Ah, now I get it.

That's what the colonel
meant when he sneakily said,

- "Really, Bilko, at your age..."
- Ernie Bilko,

you must be losing your mind.

Why, the colonel
would never give you up.

He considers you the
best motor pool sergeant

in the whole, entire Army.

- You kidding me?
- I am not kidding you.

I heard him say so myself.

- For true?
- Absolutely for true, cross my heart.

Now, listen, Hollister,
those new jeeps

were supposed to
be here a week ago.

How Bilko has kept
those old jalopies

running this long is a miracle.

I'll show you how
young I really am

when I take you to
that dance tonight.

It's cha-cha-cha all the way.

Cha-cha-cha,
cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, sir, judo practice.

She's very good
on the flip-overs, sir.

- Oh! Oh, Ernie!
- Very good, yes.

Now, listen to me, Major.

There's no room in a modern
Army for broken-down wrecks.

If they can't function,
they've got to go.

Why, why, we've got
one in particular here

that's a disgrace
to any motor pool.

Major, I am depending
on you to see

that this ancient relic is
replaced and scrapped.

This is an Army post,
not a military museum.

Oh, Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, sonny... uh, Lieutenant.

You know about
the physical exam?

Yes, sir.

Good luck, old man.

Old man?

Oh, sure, I'm
imagining things, am I?

If that colonel
thinks he's going

to put the skids onto me
and get me out of here...

- Honey...
- Oh, no. All dates are off, kid.

I got to get in shape. Exer...

That 20-mile
hike... That'll do it.

Aha. Just a little
ahead of them, pal.

So, that major that thinks

he's going to see a
wreck tomorrow, huh?

Well, he'll see an
Adonis. May I tell you?

An Adonis!

Yes, sir!

I'll get into shape.
I'll show them all!

All right, all
right, look alive!

A little pep in this outfit.

Get on your ball!

There you are, Sarge.
Your bed is all ready.

I pulled the shade down, Sarge.

You have a nice little nap.

Oh, a little nap?

Aren't you going to give
me some crackers and milk

- by my bedside?
- Yeah, but, Sarge...

Oh, maybe a little zwieback
so I can gum it, huh?

- But, Sarge...
- "But, Sarge..."

Maybe you'd like to put me
in a wheelchair with a lap robe

and put me out in the
sun to doze a while, huh?

- Sarge, what are you talking...
- You think I can't handle

a 20-mile hike? You think...

Get me my full field pack.

I'm going to stay in this Army.

I spent too long
feathering this nest.

- I'll sh...
- It goes in the back.

I know where it goes!

Don't tell me about things.

I'll show them, huh?

Think I'm falling apart, huh?

All right, you meatballs!

Think I'm an old man?

Straighten up, men!

I'll show you some action.

Think I can't handle it?

I'm going to take you
crumbs on a 20-mile hike,

and any of you guys
can hold up with me,

I'll march you 20 more miles!

Right face! Hy-yuh!

All right.

Sing, you weaklings.

♪ Over hill, over dale ♪

♪ We have hit the dusty trail ♪

♪ And the caissons
go rolling along ♪

♪ In and out, hear
them shout... ♪

All right, wise guys.

Well, there goes Bilko's
platoon starting out on the hike.

They're certainly
getting a fast start.

I like to see the men...

♪ And the caissons
go rolling along... ♪

What's wrong, Colonel?

Well, I-I... I think there's
something wrong with my eyes.

I'll have to stop in to
see you for a checkup.

Your eyes?

Yes, I thought I saw
Bilko leading the platoon.

Bilko?!

Yes.

It is Bilko!

Bilko? On a hike?

What is he up to?

Look! They're turning back.

Turning back?

I'll get the water!

Doberman, we need
the smelling salts!

What a hike!

I never in my life
saw such a hike!

It'll be all right, Sarge.

Get in here, Sarge. Come
on, sit down. That's it.

What a hike!

- Smelling salts, sir.
- Sarge?

Sarge?

Who deals?

Sarge. Sarge?

- What is it? What?
- Are you all right?

Yeah. What is it? Wh-what is it?

- The hike over?
- Yeah, it's all over, Sarge.

Let's keep it going.
Up those hills.

- March! -No, no.
- No, the hike is over.

- Sarge, it's over.
- Over?

Yeah.

- How did I do?
- You did great.

Another 19 and a half miles,
and you would've made it.

I don't know. Suddenly,
a bright flash hit me.

That was sunshine, Ernie.

You're just not used to it.

That's it. I'm not used to it.

Come on, Sarge. Why
don't you lie down, huh?

No! No! Let me...

Get that off. Get it off me.

No, sir, all I need is to
tone up a little muscle.

That's all. Get those muscle...

I'll get over to the
gym... We got a gym?

Do you remember where you held

the St. Valentine's
Day crap game?

- Was that the gym?
- Yeah.

That's where I'm going.

I'll tone up these muscles.

Out of my way!

Out... out...

Hi.

- Hi, boys.
- Hi, Ernie.

- Want to catch?
- Are you kidding?

That's all right for
you older gentlemen.

I'm looking for action.

A little calisthenics, Sarge?

Calisthenics? You
must be kidding.

Where's the action?

- Oh!
- Okay, let's do it again.

Lieutenant, would you
mind if I join you for a minute?

Bilko, I never expected
to see you here.

I just want to tone up
the old muscles, sir.

Well, we're doing a
rear vault with a half turn.

Nothing to it. I'll
look at it once,

and I'll have it down
pat. Thank you, sir.

Okay.

Balinski, start again.

Look alive,
Baczynski! Here we go!

- Good form. Nice going.
- Keep it up, men.

Keep it up, keep it going.

Working it out. Work,
work, work all the time.

That's working it out.

All right, here I come.

Okay, Sarge, let's go.

Now, wait a minute, now.

- Wasn't my fault.
- You all right?

Somebody moved it, Lieutenant.

- They moved it. Believe me.
- Look, Sarge, uh,

uh, maybe you better
start with the older group.

Are you kidding? I'm in the
best of shape. I'm ready...

Maybe I'll warm up
with the older group

- for a while.
- Yeah, yeah. Come on.

Hey, uh, Corporal Kramer, uh,

- here's Sergeant Bilko for your group.
- Okay.

- 39...
- Mind if I join you for a minute?

40. Not at all, Ernie.

Listen, just do 15 to
start. Don't overdo it.

15. Yeah, I won't over...

- Just 15 to get it moving.
- Yeah, right, right.

Come on, Ernie.

I don't believe it, Bilko.

Colonel!

Bilko, what are you
trying to do, kill yourself?

No, sir. Just fighting
fire with fire, sir.

Certain people are
liable to be surprised

at what they're going
to see in me tomorrow,

if you know what I mean, sir.

What is he up to?

Listen, Ernie, maybe you better

start with some simple
calisthenics, huh?

Maybe I ought to loosen
up a little. You're right.

- Just to loosen up.
- All right.

- All right, hold it, fellas.
- Hold it, fellas.

All right, now to
the count of four,

arms up, touch the
toes, arms up and back.

- Look alive, men.
- Ready?

- One...
- One!

Two, three, four.

One, two, three,
fo... Hold it, hold it.

Give me a hand, fellas.

Come on, get him up. That's it.

Oh, oh. Oh, I...

All right, Ernie,
maybe-maybe-maybe you better

start with the
older fellas, Ernie.

Why don't you...

- Huh?
- Yeah, start with the older fellas.

- Just...
- Till I get loose.

- Yeah, loosen up.
- All right.

That's right.

Ah, hi, Ernie.

Glad to have you with us, Ernie.

All right, let's not
get too friendly, huh?

I'm not joining your group.

I'm with the younger
group; just getting loose.

Attaboy.

Uh, two hands,
younger than springtime.

Hey, let me ask
you guys something.

- Huh?
- You're 20-year men, aren't you?

- Yeah.
- You know all the routines here.

- Yeah.
- What is this special physical

they're giving the
three top three?

It's nothing; it's just,
the major looks at you.

He looks at you?

That's all, just
quick once-over.

All they want to know
is if you see all right.

- If you see all right, huh?
- That's all.

Yeah, all the Army cares
about if your eyesight is okay.

- Is that all they care about?
- That's all.

Hold on a minute.

Hold these, Tony.

All right, throw it.

Come on, come on! Let it go.

I threw it, I threw it!

Oh.

Oh, well, I got to work out a
little more, you understand.

I'll be back.

Sarge, for three
hours with the eyes.

- It'll drive you nuts.
- You kidding?

That's the only weakness
the colonel can nail me on.

But I'm gonna be ready
for him tomorrow, pal.

I'll be an eagle, I
tell you, an eagle!

Here, hold my glasses.

Hold up something,
see if I can tell what it is.

What is it?

Where is it?

Right in front of you.

- All right.
- It's a letter.

It's a letter?

Uh, in the alphabet?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh, in the middle
of the alphabet?

- Ah...
- In the beginning?

- Yeah.
- Um, it's an "A"!

- Right.
- Great, Sarge! Wonderful!

Okay. See, the exer...

Again. Hold
something farther away.

See, if you exercise,
you get them in shape.

That's a good book.

Ten-hut!

It's the colonel.
It's the colonel.

Sir, it's nice of you to
drop in here for a moment.

- Very nice because...
- Sarge, Sarge,

why don't you give up?

Look.

See what it is?

Oh.

Well...

That Captain Grace
told me this would help.

Yeah, but, Sarge, it takes time.

Time? I only got till tomorrow
when they give me that exam.

And I got to... Wait.

- Click, click, click, click, click.
- Here it comes.

You, get over to Captain
Grace in the medical office.

Get into the examination room.

Sneak in there, find out
where everything lays there.

Give me an exact diagram
of every article in the room.

- You understand?
- Yeah.

And then get a
copy of the eye chart.

Write it down, line... so I can
memorize, you understand?

- Right, right, Sarge.
- On the double. Look alive.

Now, this is the exact diagram
of the examination room?

That's right.

- This is the desk right here, huh?
- Yeah.

- Diagonal across, the cabinet.
- Right.

Over here, you said,
was a picture of his family.

- Yeah.
- And then the eye chart.

- Right.
- That's the exit door, right?

- On the right side.
- Right.

Okay, let me see
if I know it now.

Uh... picture of his
family, medical...

No, that's the eye chart.

- Then the picture...
- Eye chart first.

Then the picture of his
family on my right, good.

Now, let me see
if I got it right now.

I walk in.

Uh, the desk, then the cabinet.

- Over here, the pictures of family.
- Right.

Eye chart. Got it fine. Here.

Come here. Henshaw! Henshaw!

- Yo, yo.
- Come here. Hold the glasses.

- Right, Sarge.
- I don't need them anymore.

- I got to walk around. I can't...
- Wait a minute.

- What?
- Wait a minute, Sarge.

Why don't you try
the eye chart once?

- Why not?
- Right.

See if I memorized it right.

Let me see. Hold it up.

Uh, Z, T, N, O, P, L, T?

- Good.
- Right.

Now, let's try the next line.

- This is a little bigger.
- All right.

P, D, R, S, O, E, T, V.

Wonderful. Now the
last line; this is tiny.

I'll stumble a little so he
won't think I know it too well.

R, G... Is that a
"G" or an "E," sir?

Oh, those E's throw
you, don't they, sir?

R, G, S, V, T, R, S, W.

Wonderful, Sarge!

- Henshaw!
- Yo?

Okay. Stay right with me.

I'll walk around
without glasses.

Drive everybo...
Very nonchalant.

Here we go.

- "Z" is the first!
- Attention.

- I don't care, but...
- "D"? Please, Zimmerman is...

Hiya, Sarge.

- Who is it?
- Paparelli.

Hiya, Paparelli! Hi!

How you feeling, boy?

Good to see you.

Hey, Sarge, you're not
wearing your glasses.

- Who is it?
- Dillingham.

Hi, Dillingham! Hi, boy!

I don't need the glasses.

Just got to
exercise your eyes...

- What is it?
- It's the door.

Hiya, door... What
you telling me doors?

I know a door.

Good afternoon, Captain Grace.

Oh, hello, Bilko.

Working at your desk, sir?

Yes.

Well, sir... Oh, excuse me, sir.

I do hate to bother you, sir.

I just thought, if you had
an application handy, sir,

I'd like to apply for transfer
to the Air Cadets, sir.

Air Cadets?

Well, sir, I think a younger
branch of the service

is more to my liking,
if you don't mind, sir.

Bilko, you're not
wearing glasses.

Not... Oh, sir.

Did you fall for that dodge?

I don't need the glasses, sir.

My eyes are in perfect shape.

I just wore them so, uh...

You know what I mean, sir?

Give me a little more dignity,
if you know what I mean, sir.

- Really?
- Yes, sir.

I've been in the
Army 16 years, sir.

16 solid years, sir, and
I'm in better shape now

than when I first enlisted.

Well, that's wonderful.

That... Where is he?

Yeah.

Yes, sir.

Uh, w-what was that, sir?

Oh, these filing cabinets.

Filing cabinets.

Fil... Yes.

Oh, yes, sir.

I feel that if a man
stays in shape,

it's best of all for the
man's physical condition

to be top notch and...

Sir, you are losing
weight, aren't you, sir?

That's the way it goes.

- What was that?
- What?

What was what, sir?

Oh. I might appear
older to you, sir.

That's because I was
prematurely bald, sir.

You see, I was
bald at birth, sir.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha?

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha?!

Oh, yes, sir. I keep in shape,

especially with the eyes.

My eyes are in
perfect shape, sir.

The eyes are important.

Oh, they're very
important, sir, I always...

Oh, sir, this is a lovely
picture of your family, sir.

My family?!

Oh, yes. I'd know your
younger boy anyplace.

He has the same chin, sir.

Remarkable.

Bilko, are you sure
about your eyes?

Oh, good heavens, yes.

Well, sir, here's the
time to prove it, sir.

You have the... the
eye chart's right here.

I'll run them right off for you.

The top line.

D, L, T, C, P, P... Sergeant!

We'll take the second
line just with one eye, sir.

A, E, O, L, T, E...

Bilko, are you all right?

Watch this, sir.

The small line, no eyes.

A, E, T, T, P, E, R, E, B.

Isn't that remarkable, sir?

- Unbelievable!
- Yes, sir.

Thank you very much
for your trouble, sir.

And I'm sure that if you
choose to tell this to the colonel,

why, they'd call off
that silly physical,

which is just a
waste of the time.

Thank you so much,
sir, for your trouble.

I've caused you enough trouble.

I'll be on my way now and
not bother you anymore, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You have a remarkable
medicine cabinet.

I've bothered you enough today.

- I'll be on my way and...
- Oh!

Oh, I see you have
the storm doors up.

I'll be on my way, sir.

Get out of here...

Well, he was speaking
to an empty desk,

shaking hands with a skeleton.

And you think
Bilko's cracking up?

If ever I've seen
symptoms, Colonel.

Wait.

The basic trouble is the
metabolistic condition...

Wait a minute.

That foolishness at the gym,

that putting on
a show of fainting

just at the
beginning of the hike.

- Don't you see it?
- See what?

As a medical man.

Don't you recognize when
a man's putting on an act?

Trying to get out of the
Army as a mental case?

Oh, but Bilko
wouldn't... Yes, Bilko.

He's getting tired of
trying to outsmart me.

Yes, he knows that major's
coming here tomorrow

to give him a physical.

Oh, really, Colonel,
I don't think...

If he wants to get out,
he'll wait till his hitch is up.

He's not gonna pull
any phony thing like this.

Besides, I need him.

Come in.

Colonel, perhaps you've
heard some rumors, sir.

Put your glasses back on.

I'm over here.

Oh, yes, Colonel.

The magnetism of your voice

would draw me to
the ends of the Earth.

Give up! Give up.

It's not going to do any good.

That major is a top medical man.

You're not gonna be able
to pull the wool over his eyes.

But, sir, I don't
intend... That's all.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Bye.

Rocco, listen.

We're in a lot of...

Why you wearing
perfume, Roc? Why?

It's me... Joan.

Oh, Joan, wait a minute.

He's determined to
kick me out of the Army.

Ernie, I can't believe that.

You should've
heard him in there.

You should've heard him.

Well, he's not gonna
get away with it.

Why? 'Cause I'm
gonna stay in shape.

Whatever hours I have
left, every minute of it

is gonna be spent in
that gym getting in shape.

I got to run now.

Stay in shape.

Lift, chin. What
is that doing here?

Sarge.

Sarge, it's 3:00 in the morning.

- No.
- Why don't you give up?

Got to get in shape
for tomorrow morning.

Sarge, you're overdoing it.

No, I'm not. I
got to keep going.

Come on, one more.

- Sarge, too much for one day.
- No, no, no, no.

One more time around, a lap.

Here we go. Keep it going.

One, two...

Sarge, the physical
is in 15 minutes.

Sar... Oh.

Oh, my muscles. I can't move.

I told you you overdid it.

Oh, easy!

I'll get the liniment.

No, it's too late.

I can't even keep my eyes open.

Sarge, you got to take
a physical in 15 minutes.

I know, I know.

Look, in my locker...

- Get the zip pills.
- Right, Sarge.

Sarge, those pills are only
to keep you going in combat.

Combat? I'm fighting
for my life, ain't I?

Mm.

- But, Sarge!
- Sarge! -Sarge!

Yahoo!

Oh!

Glad to have you aboard, Major!

How are you, Captain?

Hiya, my dear.

Never felt better in my life.

It's a waste of time,
bothering to test me.

I'm a pacifist myself.

But if war should
break out, may I say...

Nurse, water! Some water!

Get this man to bed immediately.

- Bilko!
- I've never seen such a complete collapse.

Bilko.

Oh, there you are.

Shh! He's not to be
disturbed, Colonel.

Oh, he isn't?

Well, this will
only take a minute.

This is for you, Marlon Brando.

Marlon... Brando?

Consider this an Oscar
for the best acting bit

I've seen in my whole career.

Acting?

Major Newman's been
examining him all morning.

He says it's the first
case he's ever seen

of peacetime combat fatigue.

Colonel, please,
don't let the major

kick me out of the Army, sir.

Don't let them? I thought
you wanted to get out.

Oh, no, I want to stay in, sir.

I'll do anything, anything.

Well, now, uh... Please, sir.

Uh, very well.

Under certain conditions.

Conditions, sir?

There'll be no
more card playing.

No more card playing?

Well?

No more card playing.

Uh, you'll stop
promoting the men,

not running any
raffles, any dances.

And you'll not use my staff
car at your convenience.

Yes, sir.

And when there's a dr...
on the drill field, you'll work.

Oh, uh, Major, on behalf of
Sergeant Bilko, I'd like to...

Isn't your concern for Sergeant
Bilko a little late, Colonel?

Concern?

I'm going to speak frankly, sir.

I've never seen a
more run-down soldier

in all my years in the Army.

Colonel, you're dealing
with a human being.

You can't work a man as
though he were a machine.

Bilko work?

Yes, sir.

To the bone for you.

To the bone for you, sir.

Now, now, now, Sergeant.

It's all right, it's all right.

Colonel, I've decided to
let him stay in the Army.

Oh, thank you, sir.

But under certain conditions.

And I'm going
to put it in writing.

Under certain conditions?

Yes.

He's to be excused from
all heavy military work.

Excused?

And he must find something
to do with his extra time.

Perhaps he can
learn to play cards.

Bilko learn to play cards?

I'll try, sir.

I'll try.

Keep his mind completely
off any military duties.

Assign him to, uh, run dances,

raffles for the men.

Let him use your...

Captain Grace was
played by John Griggs.

Major Newman was
played by Don Douglas.