The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 30 - The Recruiting Sergeant - full transcript
Bilko gets a hot tip for a horse race in New York. He is broke and concerned he doesn't have enough money to take advantage of the situation. But as always he has a plan.
Yeah, that's right, Operator.
Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas.
I don't like it. I could get
thrown off the track for this.
Look, Tom, this guy saved
my life in the South Pacific.
It's my one chance
to make it up to him.
Fort Baxter.
Oh, can I speak to a
Sergeant Ernest Bilko?
He's on duty at the motor pool.
Look, I'm calling all
the way from New York.
It's very important.
I'll connect you
with the motor pool.
Hold it, you guys.
Motor pool. Private
Doberman speaking.
Can I speak to Sergeant Bilko?
Bilko?
Uh, wait a minute.
I have to write it down.
- B-I-L...
- Will you stop?
- K-O.
- Don't tell me... When I tell you
- I want piston rods, I want...
- Okay.
What is this,
chatting time, Dob...?
- For you, Sarge.
- For me?
Yeah, wait till I write it down.
It's for me. I'm right
here! What are you...
B-I-L... Hello.
Sergeant Bilko talking.
Hello, Ernie.
Bill Krepanski.
Remember Saipan, Okinawa?
Hey, Bill. How you been?
Hey, look, Ernie, I'm calling
all the way from New York,
- so I got to make this quick.
- New York?
Yeah. Remember I told you that
my brother, Tom, was a jockey?
- Yeah, well, here he is.
- Hello, Bilko.
Hello, Tom. Say, I've
been following your career.
I'm riding a horse
called Popover
in the fifth race
tomorrow at Belmont.
This morning, at
a secret workout,
this horse beat
the track record.
Ernie, she's going
off at 40 to one.
40 to one?
Ernie, I waited a long time
to be able to pay
you back, and this is it.
Now, remember,
outside of ourselves,
you're the only guy in the
country that knows about this.
Put everything you've got on it.
Everything I got on it.
I'm the only one that
knows. It's 40 to one.
Sarge, Sarge, you're
as white as a ghost.
What is it?
I'm on my honor.
I can't tell you.
Write this down.
Fifth race at Belmont,
Popover, 40 to one.
Hot tip on a horse, Sarge?
You been eavesdropping
again, Doberman?
Oh, Sarge, not another tip.
Not just another tip.
From one of the leading
jockeys in the country.
Oh, the break of my life.
Here it is, and I'm broke.
- How much money you got?
- 40 cents.
- Henshaw?
- He's been staking me.
I got to...
- Pendleton... he owes me $50.
- No, no. You owe him.
Oh, that's the way it was, yeah.
Sarge, maybe we
can hock something.
Hock something?
Kadowski's typewriter.
- We'll hock...
- It's Kadowski's.
Besides, uh, we hocked
it three months ago.
- Yeah.
- Well, we got it out, didn't we?
We'll hock it again.
- Not anymore.
- Not anymore.
Kadowski carries it
around strapped to his back.
I got to think. I got to think.
Sarge, the platoon welfare fund.
Yeah, I got to th...
What, Doberman?
- Oh, no. Not that.
- Not what, Sarge?
- I know what you're thinking.
- I'm thinking?
You're thinking about the
$200 in the platoon welfare fund,
which the boys entrusted to you.
- Yeah, but, Sergeant...
- I'm ashamed of you, Doberman.
You know that money is just
for any member of the platoon
who needs the money
for an emergency.
That's right. It's for any
member who needs to get married
- or has a baby or has a...
- And in spite of that,
- you want to bet it on a horse?
- But, Sergeant...
I know why... So
you can get the credit
when you distribute
the $8,000 we'll win
- with that $200, huh?
- $8,000...
Tired of being the
patsy of the outfit, huh?
You want them to call you
the benefactor, don't you?
- Well, Sergeant...
- You want them to say Doberman the Brain.
Oh, I wish I
could be like you...
Cold, razor sharp, one step
ahead of the mob all the time.
Tell me, Doberman,
how do you do it?
Well, I figured it was no
good laying around there,
- not drawing any interest...
- All right, get the money.
On the double!
Sarge, Sarge, the
platoon's money.
They'll spend the rest
of their life thanking me.
Get me an overnight pass.
I got to get in town, place
that bet with a bookmaker.
- Not a chance, Sarge.
- Why?
Nobody can leave the post.
You see, Colonel
Hall is going to Topeka
on an enlistment program.
And he wants nobody off
the post while he's away.
"Transportation
order: Colonel J.T. Hall
"and one sergeant to Topeka
for duty at enlistment
booth, State Fair Auditorium."
Hey, hey! That's it, boys.
You're looking at
an enlisting sergeant.
Sarge, you are the last
guy the colonel will trust
around rookies who still
got money from home.
Let me speak to
Colonel Hall, please.
Minute I get to Topeka,
I'll contact Lolita,
a dancer that works
at the Mambo Hut.
She'll steer me to a bookmaker.
Sarge, the colonel will
never take you with him.
And I packed your
winter pajamas, too,
in case the nights
get cold in Topeka.
Nell, I'll only be
gone for two days.
Oh, what's this?
You packed my money belt, too?
Well, John, I
thought that when...
Nell, for goodness'
sakes, my money belt.
I'm going to Topeka,
not the Barbary Coast.
Hello?
Colonel Hall?
Sir, this is Sergeant Bilko.
Sir, I wonder if I
could ask the colonel...
Did the colonel intend to take
me with him to Topeka, sir?
You? Bilko, I wouldn't
take you to Topeka with me
if the enemy was marching
down the main street.
Oh, thank you, sir!
"Thank you"?
What did he say?
He's insisting I go with him.
Get the staff car
ready. On the double.
John, why must you
always be so, uh, suspicious
of that nice Sergeant Bilko?
Why was he so happy to hear
that I was going to be away?
- Now, John...
- I never thought of it.
Bilko alone on the post with
me a hundred miles away.
The last time I went away,
he had rookies
down at the rifle range
and was charging them
three shots for a quarter.
And another time, he entered
one of our Sherman tanks
in the local stock car race.
So, that's what he's up to...
Seeing that I'm
safely off to Topeka
while he runs one
of his schemes.
- John.
- Oh, no, he won't.
He's not going to
get away with it.
Come in.
Colonel Hall, sir, the staff car
is waiting to take
you to Topeka, sir.
- And you're going along.
- Me, sir?
I'm not prepared, sir. I...
I know, but you're not
going to be alone on this post.
You're coming to Topeka with me.
- Sir, you distinctly said...
- That's an order.
And don't try to
wriggle out of it.
- No, sir.
- Go and get your clothes packed.
They're packed in the trunk
of the car, ready to go, sir.
Oh, well, I knew
you'd be in a hurry, sir,
because post time... I
mean, the rookies, sir.
And we'll... we'll
have to go, and I'll...
Sorry, Mrs. Hall.
We have to go after all.
Duty before beauty.
You are sweet.
Colonel, Colonel, come on.
I'm double-parked.
Good-bye, Nell.
Oh, John, I do hope
that during these two days
alone with Sergeant Bilko,
you'll find out
his true character.
Yes, dear.
Two days alone with Bilko?
- Nell.
- Uh, what is it, dear?
Give me my money belt.
Join the Marines.
- Right here.
- Join the Navy.
Right here, men.
Join the Navy today.
Just a second, young man.
Have you thought of
the Marines as a career?
I want to join the Army.
Well, you look over our
brochure right here, and then you
can come back... Yes, certainly.
Just a second, young man.
- Sign right here...
- Young man, have you considered
the opportunities
the Navy offers you?
- Lolita, I'm desperate.
- No, I want to join the Army.
I got to find a
bookmaker right away.
Well, the Army's
in the next booth.
Look, Lolita, you
don't understand.
It's the chance of a lifetime.
- What is it? What? Go! Go! Go!
- I want to join the...
Now, look, it's very important.
If I don't find a bookmaker,
I'm going to blow the
biggest opportunity of my life.
Now, look, Lolita, you must
know where I can find one.
- Excuse me.
- You... What? What is it?
What? Can't you
see I'm busy? Look...
I'd like to sign up in the Army.
Go some... We got
no pencils. Go away.
- Look, it's very important, Lolita.
- I... I have one.
Look, Lolita, I'm stuck
here with a troublemaker.
Just a minute.
Did you take the
marching test yet?
- The wh... the what?
- That's very important.
March now. One, two,
huh, huh, three, four, huh.
All right, look, Lolita,
you must know one
bookmaker in town,
because this is the opportunity
I've been waiting
for all my life.
Now, go away. What is it?
- What do you want?
- I want to join the Army.
We're out of uniforms.
Go to the Navy.
Look, honey, now,
you must know one...
I know the town is
closed tighter than a drum,
but what's the name of the guy
that used to hang
around your place?
One, two, three,
four. All right, look.
The guy that... your
roommate, Carmen, knew a fella.
He had a gold
tooth in the front.
I think his name
was Lonesome Sam.
Oh, Carmen had the gold tooth.
Well, they were always
together. I never knew.
But this guy, Lonesome
Sam, he was a bookmaker.
What... All right,
betting commissioner.
- But I got to have his number.
- I'd like to join the Army.
I... You wouldn't like it, kid.
Look what they did to
me. I'm only 19 years old.
- Look, honey, if I could...
- Yeah, but I'd like to join.
- I had my heart set on it.
- Look, you'd like the Navy...
- Chief, will you turn around?
- Yes?
Look at the Navy.
Look at those uni...
Look at that smile.
They give you free dental.
- Come right over here, young man.
- Roll over.
Roll, roll. Go.
Look, Lolita, if you can
give me Carmen's number,
then I can... Give
me Carmen's num...
One, two, three, four.
Well, what's her number? What?
Well, have her call me
at the enlistment booth at
the State Fair Auditorium.
The number's Bixby 7, 3-2-4.
Yes. Have her get
in touch with me.
It's very important.
Look, if I put this over,
I'll buy you a whole
new set of maracas.
Go to the Navy, will you?
Uh, yes. Yes, sir.
Well, if you're not
thinking of joining, sir,
why don't you call
ten of your friends
and have ten of your friends
call ten of their friends?
Thank you very much, sir.
It's a new idea
in recruiting, sir.
- Chain phone calls, sir.
- I'll bet.
Bilko, you've been
here all morning.
How many men have you recruited?
- Uh, uh, men?
- Yes. How many men?
Uh, how-how many men?
- Uh, you want the exact number?
- The exact number.
Or-or the approximate, sir?
- The exact number.
- The exact.
Oh, knowing you, I know
you'd want the exact, 'cause...
- because you are full of prec...
- The exact number.
Yeah. Yes. My papers
are in such a mess.
I'll have to find out
the exact number, sir.
Hello?
Sergeant who with
the flashing eyes?
Sir, I believe this
call is for me, sir.
- Lolita?
- Sir, this call is for me. If you don't...
Bilko, no personal
calls on duty.
It's not personal;
it's about a mother
about her son
enlisting in the Army, sir.
Hello. Mr. Lolita?
And how is your husband,
Mr. Lonesome Sam Lolita?
What? Carmen?
Carmen has the number?
What's Carmen's number?
What? Tell it to
me; I'll remember it.
Bixby 7, 6-2-3.
All right, I'll call
Carmen immediately.
Thank you, Mr. Lolita.
- Carmen?
- Carmen; that's her son.
We're having trouble
enlisting him, sir.
You see, they
live in a basement,
and he wants to join
the submarine service.
Something about the pressure
on his ears. I don't underst...
Bilko, if you're
up to something...
Up to something?
When I'm in recruiting...
No, not the... The Army is here.
- I'll see how they're
doing - Come join the Army,
- at the other enlistment booths.
- Your finest friend!
The Army is... Hello.
Carmen! Listen,
did Lolita call you?
Here's what... Yes.
Here's what I want.
Look, I want the number
of Lonesome Sam.
What are you so
secretive about?!
This is a big opportunity.
I'll put you in on it!
Look, I got a thing that
comes along once in a life.
What is his...
Somebody'll get in
touch with me? When?
Any minute? You told them where?
All right... Wait a minute, I
think they're here now. Oh.
- Psst.
- What is it, young man?
Are you from Lonesome Sam?
No, I'm from Wichita.
Oh. Excuse me.
Is this a contest?
No, it's just a... Oh!
Where is he? Where is he?
- Where's who?!
- I'm expecting a recruit, sir.
That's what I'm looking
for, a young recruit.
Oh, well, we're doing
pretty good, Bilko.
Over at the other booth,
they've already
signed up three recruits.
Oh, bully, bully!
How many men have you signed up?
Somebody just asked
me that question.
- It was me.
- Oh, yes. How many men?
Well, sir, my papers
are in such a mess, sir.
I have to see.
Are you looking for
someone that's lonesome?
- What?
- Oh, that's for me.
This is the young
recruit. Right this way.
I'm Sergeant Bilko, the
man you're supposed
to get in touch with.
You go right down to Lackawanna
Plaza and Essex Avenue.
Lackawanna Plaza, Essex Avenue.
Yeah. You contact
the organ-grinder.
Organ-grinder.
The password is "La Paloma."
La Paloma.
- La Paloma?
- Yeah, he wants
the Spanish Army...
It's right up the road.
Thank you very much.
Bilko, I've looked
over all these records.
You haven't signed
up one recruit.
Well, sir, it's a
terrible location here.
Why don't we go to
Lackawanna Plaza and Essex.
There's a bedlam
of activity, sir.
Nonsense! The Navy's
already signed up six.
The Marines have signed up six.
Well, you know
how they are, sir.
They'll just take
anybody... But not me, sir.
I have an example
in front of me.
I want a man of
your caliber, sir.
A precise man, a man who
knows that tomorrow is another day.
And so I'll see you the
first thing in the morning.
- We'll start right fresh, sir.
- Bilko, come back here!
Sir, I have to go on an errand...
It'll only take me 15 minutes.
- Say, Chief?
- Yes?
Will you watch my booth
while I'm gone, like a good fella?
Bilko, you will not
leave this booth
until you've signed up some men!
- Sir...
- Now, that's an order!
Yes, sir. Got to
sign up some men.
- Sign some men.
- Excuse me.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah? Want to sign?
It's the greatest opportun...
I'm looking for the
checker tournament.
Checker tournament?
What does a young man
like you want with checkers?
Why don't you join the
Army, get some adventure?
- Eh?
- Join the army!
Defend your country!
- I'm 78.
- Well, we'll put you
on sick call the
minute you come in, sir.
Recruits! I need re...
All right, all right,
I got a surprise.
Fellas, you want to
see something spicy?
Follow me. Here,
here, here, here, here!
All right, men, now
that I got your attention,
I got something so
unusual it surprises even me.
Men, all you got to do
is sign this application.
What do you get for it?
What do you get absolutely free?
Listen to this.
A genuine pair of shoes...
One for the left foot,
one for the right foot.
And they're all leather-ized.
That's absolutely free
with each application.
You want more?
You want more to induce you?
I got it for you, men.
Here it is.
A suit for the winter.
A suit for the summer.
That's absolutely free.
And as the pièce de
résistance, what do we got here?
We got an M1 rifle.
It's all yours, men,
absolutely free.
And what you do with
it in your spare time...
The Army never asks questions.
All right, men, you
wonder how can we do this?
How can we give these
away absolutely free?
I'll tell you why.
Because each and
every one of our camps
are in the low-rent
district, men.
Hold that! Hold that!
Just a minute. Would you
come in here a minute?
I heard that remark.
There's not enough inducement.
All right.
I accept your challenge.
I got it for you right here.
This is it, friends.
Now, they won't
let me sell this,
but they can't stop me
from giving this away!
This is what it is.
The soldier's handbook.
This is a limited publication,
privately printed, friends.
Do I have to say any more?
Now, friends, I want to
tell you about this little book.
There's a city ordinance
don't let me show you
the inside of the book here.
But in the privacy
of your barracks,
if you'll be kind enough
to turn to page 75,
what do you see?
Uh, no other than...
What is it, friend?
Take another look,
men. Know what that is?
That's a Browning
automatic machine gun.
To your naked eye, that's as
harmless as a newborn babe.
Right? However... Little closer.
I want you to take an
ordinary kitchen match.
I want you to light it.
Rub it up and down
behind this picture,
you're gonna see...
Now, men, just a
minute. You won't... Here!
Young man, I know you want
to get this opportunity, son.
Well, I wanted to join the Navy!
The Navy? I'm not gonna...
But, look, friend, you must
have seen Mutiny on the Bounty.
Look alive. Use your noodle.
The Navy... you know
what happens in the Navy?
You get in the Navy,
first thing you know,
you're on a battleship.
The battleship breaks down...
You know what you got to do?
You got to row. Did you
ever try rowing a battleship?
Here it is, friend.
All right, friends, I got it!
- I got...
- Never mind, Bilko.
Thanks to the other
booth, we have our quota.
Well, congratulations, sir.
And I'll be on my way.
- Thank you very much.
- Stay here.
Well, sir, I know you
wanted to talk to the men
about your combat
experiences in World War I.
Oh, men, you must
get the colonel to tell you
about the time he strolled
through no-man's-land,
just swinging his riding
crop, grinning at the enemy,
calling them swine...
And in their native tongue.
"Schweinehund!"
This man. This is
the man who said it.
You can be very...
I'll be on my way.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Come back here.
Sir?
You're in charge of
these men until 6:00.
That's when they'll be
sworn in at the armory.
Sworn in? We can trust
them without swearing them in.
They look like
fine gentlemen, sir.
Quiet!
Men, this is Sergeant Bilko.
Don't leave his
side for a moment.
Thank you, sir.
All right, all right.
Hy-up!
Now, look, men, I got a
secret mission I got to go on.
Tell you what I want you to do.
- But, Sergeant...
- Shh, quiet.
- You look like bright boys.
- But, Sergeant...
I want you to go to the...
- But, Sergeant.
- What, what, what?!
The colonel ordered
us to stay with you.
Good boy.
Now, look, pay no attention
to what the colonel said.
- But, Sergeant...
- You listen to me.
- You go to the YMCA...
- But, Sergeant...
- But, Sergeant...
- What, what, what?!
Doesn't the colonel's orders
supersede a sergeant's?
- He's right.
- He's right, Sarge.
Look, I got to go on
this secret mission, men.
- Good. We'll go with you.
- Yeah!
All right, all right,
quiet! Now, look,
do you know where Lackawanna
Plaza and Essex Street is?
- It's down that way.
- Down... All right.
Follow me and
keep it very quiet.
Forward, march.
- ♪ We're in the Army now... ♪
- Shh! Quiet!
Shh. Here.
♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow... ♪
Hut, two, three, four.
- Hut, two...
- ♪ We're in the Army now... ♪
Company, halt!
Pardon me.
Is that "La Paloma"?
On your way.
"Three steps to the rear."
One, two, three.
"Punch Rocky
Graziano in the nose."
All right, on the double,
hy-yut, two, three...
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow. ♪
Move it, move it.
♪ You're in the army now,
you're not behind the plow. ♪
Hold it, hy-yup!
La Paloma.
- Climb on.
- Wha...?
Climb on.
Come on, come on.
- Climb on?
- Air Force.
Come on, on the
double. Here, get up.
- Come on, come on.
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
Okay!
It's all right, little
more. That's it.
Easy, easy.
- Now, Sarge...
- Quiet, quiet.
One, two, three.
La Paloma.
All right, over, come
on. Hut, two, three, four.
- ♪ You're in the Army now... ♪
- Hut, two, three, four.
- ♪ You're not behind the plow ♪
- Come on, move it, move it.
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
- ♪ You're in the Army now... ♪
- Come on.
♪ You're in the Army now,
you're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
- Where are we, Sarge?
- Hold it, hold it, what?
One, two, three.
La Paloma.
This is it.
Follow me, men. Hut, two, three!
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
Lonesome Sam.
Called at Rockingham.
20 across on Shirttail in the
third, Santa Anita... check.
Lonesome Sam.
A hundred on Katy's
Dad in the sixth at Tropical.
Gotcha.
Sam... a $100 marker for Johnny?
Cut him down to $50.
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
- Hey, Sarge, where are we?
- Shh, our mission is almost completed.
Let me read.
"Seventh rivet from
the top... press."
One, two, three.
Are you taking anything
at Sunshine Park?
Anything.
Hold it.
See who it is.
Hey, it looks like
somebody in uniform.
Uniform?
Switch!
Length: 43!
Length: 43!
Waist: 46!
Waist: 46!
Leg: 29!
Leg: 29!
You want a cuff?
Yeah.
Come in!
Chest: 52!
Chest: 52!
Shoulders: 43!
Sam!
Sorry, wholesale only.
Sam, it's me... Bilko.
Bilko, are you crazy, bringing
a whole regiment in here?!
- This town's hotter than...!
- Quiet. Take it easy!
They don't know anything.
They're with me,
they're all right.
Oh, okay.
Switch!
Lonesome Sam.
- Hey, Sarge, where are we?
- Isn't it obvious?
This is the headquarters
of the Army Intelligence
Western District.
- Really?
- Yes, it's very exciting, but keep...
Don't bother the officers.
Sam, look, I got
to bet $200 on...
Bilko, I'm in enough trouble.
I don't book bets on soldiers.
Sam, this is the whole
platoon welfare fund...
200 bucks on Popover.
- Let me see the odds.
- The fifth race at Belmont.
Now, look, look, look, Moe,
I can't deliver a scratch
sheet to you now.
I'm on the phone.
Sir, if it's a vital
message, I can take it.
I was on the track
team at school.
Moe, okay, okay,
I'm sending a kid over.
He'll deliver it to
you. Yeah, right.
Here, 621 Oak Terrace.
- On your way.
- Yes, sir.
621 Oak Terrace.
Hey, do you know where that is?
No.
I'll ask a policeman.
Hey, close that door!
All right, Sam, is it a bet?
$200.
- 40 to one?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's time for the fifth at Belmont.
Hey, put on the radio.
They're at the post,
the fifth at Belmont.
- At the post?
- Yeah, the fifth regiment at Fort Belmont.
- They're off.
- They're off?
Yeah, army maneuvers.
In the first turn, it's
Popover by two lengths.
Popover?
General Popover... He
always leads his men.
In the backstretch,
it's Popover by one length
with Little Mabel coming up fast.
- Little Mabel?
- That's the general's wife;
she's always by his side.
- Come on, Popover!
- They're turning for home.
- Did they forget their rifles?
- Oh, quiet.
It's Popover, Little Mabel,
and Battleship Gray.
Battleship?
The Navy is in on it...
combined operations.
They're coming down the stretch.
They're neck and
neck, down to the wire.
Open up in the name of the law.
- The cops!
- Okay, okay, everybody, into the wagon.
I'm glad you came.
I was holding these men
at bay until you arrived.
- Ah, get into the wagon.
- I only asked a policeman.
- You.
- Sarge, are we arrested?
No trouble... It's a
civilian defense drill.
You're doing a grand job, sir.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay, bring in the next batch.
You ready for us, sir?
- Hurry up and bring 'em in.
- All right, forward, march.
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ You're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two.
- ♪ You're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
Get those shoulders back.
Let's be proud.
General, we're ready
to be mustered out.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I thought this was the armory.
Right face, forward march.
- Hut! -Wait, stop!
- ♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
This is a pretty sight...
An American sergeant
with five young rookies
found in a horse parlor.
- But Sergeant Bilko...
- Aah!
Name, rank, and serial number...
That's all you have to give.
So you won't talk, huh?
May I remind you of
the Geneva conference?
- It states...
- Quiet!
As a citizen and a
member of the armed forces,
I believe I'm entitled
to one question.
Go ahead.
Who won the fifth
race at Belmont?
- There was such excitement...
- Quiet!
Sam, step forward.
All right, where is he?
We got the whole bunch, Chief.
Sir, I kept 'em at bay
until the police came.
Quiet!
Yes, sir.
So we finally nabbed
you, Sam, huh?
I'm going to show you that this
city has no use for bookmakers,
and as far as you
horseplayers are concerned,
I am going to make an
example out of every one...
Hi, Dad.
Dad?
What's my son doing up there?
He was the runner we picked up.
Sir, I knew he was your
son the minute I saw him.
- Never mind.
- He has your eyes, those steely eyes, sir.
- Will you shut up?!
- You can be proud of that chin.
- He's your boy.
- Can you see the afternoon papers?
"Chief of Police's Son
Nabbed in a Raid"?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Here, here, what are you doing?
Just the racing
section, sir, if you don't...
Now what are we going to do?
Relax, Bilko, your horse lost.
- He lost?
- Yeah.
Oh, there goes the 200
bucks for the platoon...
Look, Bilko, I'll give
you back the 200 bucks
- if you help me beat this rap.
- You will?
- Yeah.
- Chief, let's just be realistic.
I am.
I have never let my personal
life interfere with my duty
and I'm not going to start now.
I have never been able
to hang a rap on-on Sam,
and if he's guilty,
they're all guilty.
Yeah, but, Chief,
maybe we could...
No, no, no. There's
no other way out.
Excuse me, sir, but
there is a way out.
- Oh, there is?
- Believe me, sir, I'm very sincere.
Will you excuse me
just a minute, sir?
Sam, were you and your
boys ever pinched before?
Our record's clean.
Sir, I have the
solution, believe me.
If I can have you in
the privacy of your office
for just a minute,
sir... Okay, follow me.
200... you give back? All right.
To the best of my ability...
to the best of my ability...
As members of the
United States Army.
As members of the
United States Army.
- Nice work, Bilko.
- Thank you, sir.
Well, they've taken the oath.
Congratulations, Colonel.
- Thank you, General.
- Sergeant, those ten men
you recruited topped
the Navy and the Marines.
- Ten? I thought there were five.
- This way, men.
- I had a little time on my hands, sir.
- Good luck.
- Best of luck.
- Welcome.
- We'll stretch you a few inches.
- Welcome into the service
- of your country.
- Good luck to you, boys.
Glad to have you aboard.
Good luck, fellas.
Where's Lonesome Sam?
Uh, where's Lonesome Sam?
Where's Lonesome...?
Did you see Lone...?
Where's Lonesome Sam?
Did you see Lone...?
Also seen in tonight's cast
were Hope
Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Paul Lipson as Lonesome Sam,
Bob Cholly as Feldman,
George Mclver as
the marching rookie,
and Tony Galento as Little Pete.
Fort Baxter, Roseville, Kansas.
I don't like it. I could get
thrown off the track for this.
Look, Tom, this guy saved
my life in the South Pacific.
It's my one chance
to make it up to him.
Fort Baxter.
Oh, can I speak to a
Sergeant Ernest Bilko?
He's on duty at the motor pool.
Look, I'm calling all
the way from New York.
It's very important.
I'll connect you
with the motor pool.
Hold it, you guys.
Motor pool. Private
Doberman speaking.
Can I speak to Sergeant Bilko?
Bilko?
Uh, wait a minute.
I have to write it down.
- B-I-L...
- Will you stop?
- K-O.
- Don't tell me... When I tell you
- I want piston rods, I want...
- Okay.
What is this,
chatting time, Dob...?
- For you, Sarge.
- For me?
Yeah, wait till I write it down.
It's for me. I'm right
here! What are you...
B-I-L... Hello.
Sergeant Bilko talking.
Hello, Ernie.
Bill Krepanski.
Remember Saipan, Okinawa?
Hey, Bill. How you been?
Hey, look, Ernie, I'm calling
all the way from New York,
- so I got to make this quick.
- New York?
Yeah. Remember I told you that
my brother, Tom, was a jockey?
- Yeah, well, here he is.
- Hello, Bilko.
Hello, Tom. Say, I've
been following your career.
I'm riding a horse
called Popover
in the fifth race
tomorrow at Belmont.
This morning, at
a secret workout,
this horse beat
the track record.
Ernie, she's going
off at 40 to one.
40 to one?
Ernie, I waited a long time
to be able to pay
you back, and this is it.
Now, remember,
outside of ourselves,
you're the only guy in the
country that knows about this.
Put everything you've got on it.
Everything I got on it.
I'm the only one that
knows. It's 40 to one.
Sarge, Sarge, you're
as white as a ghost.
What is it?
I'm on my honor.
I can't tell you.
Write this down.
Fifth race at Belmont,
Popover, 40 to one.
Hot tip on a horse, Sarge?
You been eavesdropping
again, Doberman?
Oh, Sarge, not another tip.
Not just another tip.
From one of the leading
jockeys in the country.
Oh, the break of my life.
Here it is, and I'm broke.
- How much money you got?
- 40 cents.
- Henshaw?
- He's been staking me.
I got to...
- Pendleton... he owes me $50.
- No, no. You owe him.
Oh, that's the way it was, yeah.
Sarge, maybe we
can hock something.
Hock something?
Kadowski's typewriter.
- We'll hock...
- It's Kadowski's.
Besides, uh, we hocked
it three months ago.
- Yeah.
- Well, we got it out, didn't we?
We'll hock it again.
- Not anymore.
- Not anymore.
Kadowski carries it
around strapped to his back.
I got to think. I got to think.
Sarge, the platoon welfare fund.
Yeah, I got to th...
What, Doberman?
- Oh, no. Not that.
- Not what, Sarge?
- I know what you're thinking.
- I'm thinking?
You're thinking about the
$200 in the platoon welfare fund,
which the boys entrusted to you.
- Yeah, but, Sergeant...
- I'm ashamed of you, Doberman.
You know that money is just
for any member of the platoon
who needs the money
for an emergency.
That's right. It's for any
member who needs to get married
- or has a baby or has a...
- And in spite of that,
- you want to bet it on a horse?
- But, Sergeant...
I know why... So
you can get the credit
when you distribute
the $8,000 we'll win
- with that $200, huh?
- $8,000...
Tired of being the
patsy of the outfit, huh?
You want them to call you
the benefactor, don't you?
- Well, Sergeant...
- You want them to say Doberman the Brain.
Oh, I wish I
could be like you...
Cold, razor sharp, one step
ahead of the mob all the time.
Tell me, Doberman,
how do you do it?
Well, I figured it was no
good laying around there,
- not drawing any interest...
- All right, get the money.
On the double!
Sarge, Sarge, the
platoon's money.
They'll spend the rest
of their life thanking me.
Get me an overnight pass.
I got to get in town, place
that bet with a bookmaker.
- Not a chance, Sarge.
- Why?
Nobody can leave the post.
You see, Colonel
Hall is going to Topeka
on an enlistment program.
And he wants nobody off
the post while he's away.
"Transportation
order: Colonel J.T. Hall
"and one sergeant to Topeka
for duty at enlistment
booth, State Fair Auditorium."
Hey, hey! That's it, boys.
You're looking at
an enlisting sergeant.
Sarge, you are the last
guy the colonel will trust
around rookies who still
got money from home.
Let me speak to
Colonel Hall, please.
Minute I get to Topeka,
I'll contact Lolita,
a dancer that works
at the Mambo Hut.
She'll steer me to a bookmaker.
Sarge, the colonel will
never take you with him.
And I packed your
winter pajamas, too,
in case the nights
get cold in Topeka.
Nell, I'll only be
gone for two days.
Oh, what's this?
You packed my money belt, too?
Well, John, I
thought that when...
Nell, for goodness'
sakes, my money belt.
I'm going to Topeka,
not the Barbary Coast.
Hello?
Colonel Hall?
Sir, this is Sergeant Bilko.
Sir, I wonder if I
could ask the colonel...
Did the colonel intend to take
me with him to Topeka, sir?
You? Bilko, I wouldn't
take you to Topeka with me
if the enemy was marching
down the main street.
Oh, thank you, sir!
"Thank you"?
What did he say?
He's insisting I go with him.
Get the staff car
ready. On the double.
John, why must you
always be so, uh, suspicious
of that nice Sergeant Bilko?
Why was he so happy to hear
that I was going to be away?
- Now, John...
- I never thought of it.
Bilko alone on the post with
me a hundred miles away.
The last time I went away,
he had rookies
down at the rifle range
and was charging them
three shots for a quarter.
And another time, he entered
one of our Sherman tanks
in the local stock car race.
So, that's what he's up to...
Seeing that I'm
safely off to Topeka
while he runs one
of his schemes.
- John.
- Oh, no, he won't.
He's not going to
get away with it.
Come in.
Colonel Hall, sir, the staff car
is waiting to take
you to Topeka, sir.
- And you're going along.
- Me, sir?
I'm not prepared, sir. I...
I know, but you're not
going to be alone on this post.
You're coming to Topeka with me.
- Sir, you distinctly said...
- That's an order.
And don't try to
wriggle out of it.
- No, sir.
- Go and get your clothes packed.
They're packed in the trunk
of the car, ready to go, sir.
Oh, well, I knew
you'd be in a hurry, sir,
because post time... I
mean, the rookies, sir.
And we'll... we'll
have to go, and I'll...
Sorry, Mrs. Hall.
We have to go after all.
Duty before beauty.
You are sweet.
Colonel, Colonel, come on.
I'm double-parked.
Good-bye, Nell.
Oh, John, I do hope
that during these two days
alone with Sergeant Bilko,
you'll find out
his true character.
Yes, dear.
Two days alone with Bilko?
- Nell.
- Uh, what is it, dear?
Give me my money belt.
Join the Marines.
- Right here.
- Join the Navy.
Right here, men.
Join the Navy today.
Just a second, young man.
Have you thought of
the Marines as a career?
I want to join the Army.
Well, you look over our
brochure right here, and then you
can come back... Yes, certainly.
Just a second, young man.
- Sign right here...
- Young man, have you considered
the opportunities
the Navy offers you?
- Lolita, I'm desperate.
- No, I want to join the Army.
I got to find a
bookmaker right away.
Well, the Army's
in the next booth.
Look, Lolita, you
don't understand.
It's the chance of a lifetime.
- What is it? What? Go! Go! Go!
- I want to join the...
Now, look, it's very important.
If I don't find a bookmaker,
I'm going to blow the
biggest opportunity of my life.
Now, look, Lolita, you must
know where I can find one.
- Excuse me.
- You... What? What is it?
What? Can't you
see I'm busy? Look...
I'd like to sign up in the Army.
Go some... We got
no pencils. Go away.
- Look, it's very important, Lolita.
- I... I have one.
Look, Lolita, I'm stuck
here with a troublemaker.
Just a minute.
Did you take the
marching test yet?
- The wh... the what?
- That's very important.
March now. One, two,
huh, huh, three, four, huh.
All right, look, Lolita,
you must know one
bookmaker in town,
because this is the opportunity
I've been waiting
for all my life.
Now, go away. What is it?
- What do you want?
- I want to join the Army.
We're out of uniforms.
Go to the Navy.
Look, honey, now,
you must know one...
I know the town is
closed tighter than a drum,
but what's the name of the guy
that used to hang
around your place?
One, two, three,
four. All right, look.
The guy that... your
roommate, Carmen, knew a fella.
He had a gold
tooth in the front.
I think his name
was Lonesome Sam.
Oh, Carmen had the gold tooth.
Well, they were always
together. I never knew.
But this guy, Lonesome
Sam, he was a bookmaker.
What... All right,
betting commissioner.
- But I got to have his number.
- I'd like to join the Army.
I... You wouldn't like it, kid.
Look what they did to
me. I'm only 19 years old.
- Look, honey, if I could...
- Yeah, but I'd like to join.
- I had my heart set on it.
- Look, you'd like the Navy...
- Chief, will you turn around?
- Yes?
Look at the Navy.
Look at those uni...
Look at that smile.
They give you free dental.
- Come right over here, young man.
- Roll over.
Roll, roll. Go.
Look, Lolita, if you can
give me Carmen's number,
then I can... Give
me Carmen's num...
One, two, three, four.
Well, what's her number? What?
Well, have her call me
at the enlistment booth at
the State Fair Auditorium.
The number's Bixby 7, 3-2-4.
Yes. Have her get
in touch with me.
It's very important.
Look, if I put this over,
I'll buy you a whole
new set of maracas.
Go to the Navy, will you?
Uh, yes. Yes, sir.
Well, if you're not
thinking of joining, sir,
why don't you call
ten of your friends
and have ten of your friends
call ten of their friends?
Thank you very much, sir.
It's a new idea
in recruiting, sir.
- Chain phone calls, sir.
- I'll bet.
Bilko, you've been
here all morning.
How many men have you recruited?
- Uh, uh, men?
- Yes. How many men?
Uh, how-how many men?
- Uh, you want the exact number?
- The exact number.
Or-or the approximate, sir?
- The exact number.
- The exact.
Oh, knowing you, I know
you'd want the exact, 'cause...
- because you are full of prec...
- The exact number.
Yeah. Yes. My papers
are in such a mess.
I'll have to find out
the exact number, sir.
Hello?
Sergeant who with
the flashing eyes?
Sir, I believe this
call is for me, sir.
- Lolita?
- Sir, this call is for me. If you don't...
Bilko, no personal
calls on duty.
It's not personal;
it's about a mother
about her son
enlisting in the Army, sir.
Hello. Mr. Lolita?
And how is your husband,
Mr. Lonesome Sam Lolita?
What? Carmen?
Carmen has the number?
What's Carmen's number?
What? Tell it to
me; I'll remember it.
Bixby 7, 6-2-3.
All right, I'll call
Carmen immediately.
Thank you, Mr. Lolita.
- Carmen?
- Carmen; that's her son.
We're having trouble
enlisting him, sir.
You see, they
live in a basement,
and he wants to join
the submarine service.
Something about the pressure
on his ears. I don't underst...
Bilko, if you're
up to something...
Up to something?
When I'm in recruiting...
No, not the... The Army is here.
- I'll see how they're
doing - Come join the Army,
- at the other enlistment booths.
- Your finest friend!
The Army is... Hello.
Carmen! Listen,
did Lolita call you?
Here's what... Yes.
Here's what I want.
Look, I want the number
of Lonesome Sam.
What are you so
secretive about?!
This is a big opportunity.
I'll put you in on it!
Look, I got a thing that
comes along once in a life.
What is his...
Somebody'll get in
touch with me? When?
Any minute? You told them where?
All right... Wait a minute, I
think they're here now. Oh.
- Psst.
- What is it, young man?
Are you from Lonesome Sam?
No, I'm from Wichita.
Oh. Excuse me.
Is this a contest?
No, it's just a... Oh!
Where is he? Where is he?
- Where's who?!
- I'm expecting a recruit, sir.
That's what I'm looking
for, a young recruit.
Oh, well, we're doing
pretty good, Bilko.
Over at the other booth,
they've already
signed up three recruits.
Oh, bully, bully!
How many men have you signed up?
Somebody just asked
me that question.
- It was me.
- Oh, yes. How many men?
Well, sir, my papers
are in such a mess, sir.
I have to see.
Are you looking for
someone that's lonesome?
- What?
- Oh, that's for me.
This is the young
recruit. Right this way.
I'm Sergeant Bilko, the
man you're supposed
to get in touch with.
You go right down to Lackawanna
Plaza and Essex Avenue.
Lackawanna Plaza, Essex Avenue.
Yeah. You contact
the organ-grinder.
Organ-grinder.
The password is "La Paloma."
La Paloma.
- La Paloma?
- Yeah, he wants
the Spanish Army...
It's right up the road.
Thank you very much.
Bilko, I've looked
over all these records.
You haven't signed
up one recruit.
Well, sir, it's a
terrible location here.
Why don't we go to
Lackawanna Plaza and Essex.
There's a bedlam
of activity, sir.
Nonsense! The Navy's
already signed up six.
The Marines have signed up six.
Well, you know
how they are, sir.
They'll just take
anybody... But not me, sir.
I have an example
in front of me.
I want a man of
your caliber, sir.
A precise man, a man who
knows that tomorrow is another day.
And so I'll see you the
first thing in the morning.
- We'll start right fresh, sir.
- Bilko, come back here!
Sir, I have to go on an errand...
It'll only take me 15 minutes.
- Say, Chief?
- Yes?
Will you watch my booth
while I'm gone, like a good fella?
Bilko, you will not
leave this booth
until you've signed up some men!
- Sir...
- Now, that's an order!
Yes, sir. Got to
sign up some men.
- Sign some men.
- Excuse me.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah? Want to sign?
It's the greatest opportun...
I'm looking for the
checker tournament.
Checker tournament?
What does a young man
like you want with checkers?
Why don't you join the
Army, get some adventure?
- Eh?
- Join the army!
Defend your country!
- I'm 78.
- Well, we'll put you
on sick call the
minute you come in, sir.
Recruits! I need re...
All right, all right,
I got a surprise.
Fellas, you want to
see something spicy?
Follow me. Here,
here, here, here, here!
All right, men, now
that I got your attention,
I got something so
unusual it surprises even me.
Men, all you got to do
is sign this application.
What do you get for it?
What do you get absolutely free?
Listen to this.
A genuine pair of shoes...
One for the left foot,
one for the right foot.
And they're all leather-ized.
That's absolutely free
with each application.
You want more?
You want more to induce you?
I got it for you, men.
Here it is.
A suit for the winter.
A suit for the summer.
That's absolutely free.
And as the pièce de
résistance, what do we got here?
We got an M1 rifle.
It's all yours, men,
absolutely free.
And what you do with
it in your spare time...
The Army never asks questions.
All right, men, you
wonder how can we do this?
How can we give these
away absolutely free?
I'll tell you why.
Because each and
every one of our camps
are in the low-rent
district, men.
Hold that! Hold that!
Just a minute. Would you
come in here a minute?
I heard that remark.
There's not enough inducement.
All right.
I accept your challenge.
I got it for you right here.
This is it, friends.
Now, they won't
let me sell this,
but they can't stop me
from giving this away!
This is what it is.
The soldier's handbook.
This is a limited publication,
privately printed, friends.
Do I have to say any more?
Now, friends, I want to
tell you about this little book.
There's a city ordinance
don't let me show you
the inside of the book here.
But in the privacy
of your barracks,
if you'll be kind enough
to turn to page 75,
what do you see?
Uh, no other than...
What is it, friend?
Take another look,
men. Know what that is?
That's a Browning
automatic machine gun.
To your naked eye, that's as
harmless as a newborn babe.
Right? However... Little closer.
I want you to take an
ordinary kitchen match.
I want you to light it.
Rub it up and down
behind this picture,
you're gonna see...
Now, men, just a
minute. You won't... Here!
Young man, I know you want
to get this opportunity, son.
Well, I wanted to join the Navy!
The Navy? I'm not gonna...
But, look, friend, you must
have seen Mutiny on the Bounty.
Look alive. Use your noodle.
The Navy... you know
what happens in the Navy?
You get in the Navy,
first thing you know,
you're on a battleship.
The battleship breaks down...
You know what you got to do?
You got to row. Did you
ever try rowing a battleship?
Here it is, friend.
All right, friends, I got it!
- I got...
- Never mind, Bilko.
Thanks to the other
booth, we have our quota.
Well, congratulations, sir.
And I'll be on my way.
- Thank you very much.
- Stay here.
Well, sir, I know you
wanted to talk to the men
about your combat
experiences in World War I.
Oh, men, you must
get the colonel to tell you
about the time he strolled
through no-man's-land,
just swinging his riding
crop, grinning at the enemy,
calling them swine...
And in their native tongue.
"Schweinehund!"
This man. This is
the man who said it.
You can be very...
I'll be on my way.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Come back here.
Sir?
You're in charge of
these men until 6:00.
That's when they'll be
sworn in at the armory.
Sworn in? We can trust
them without swearing them in.
They look like
fine gentlemen, sir.
Quiet!
Men, this is Sergeant Bilko.
Don't leave his
side for a moment.
Thank you, sir.
All right, all right.
Hy-up!
Now, look, men, I got a
secret mission I got to go on.
Tell you what I want you to do.
- But, Sergeant...
- Shh, quiet.
- You look like bright boys.
- But, Sergeant...
I want you to go to the...
- But, Sergeant.
- What, what, what?!
The colonel ordered
us to stay with you.
Good boy.
Now, look, pay no attention
to what the colonel said.
- But, Sergeant...
- You listen to me.
- You go to the YMCA...
- But, Sergeant...
- But, Sergeant...
- What, what, what?!
Doesn't the colonel's orders
supersede a sergeant's?
- He's right.
- He's right, Sarge.
Look, I got to go on
this secret mission, men.
- Good. We'll go with you.
- Yeah!
All right, all right,
quiet! Now, look,
do you know where Lackawanna
Plaza and Essex Street is?
- It's down that way.
- Down... All right.
Follow me and
keep it very quiet.
Forward, march.
- ♪ We're in the Army now... ♪
- Shh! Quiet!
Shh. Here.
♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow... ♪
Hut, two, three, four.
- Hut, two...
- ♪ We're in the Army now... ♪
Company, halt!
Pardon me.
Is that "La Paloma"?
On your way.
"Three steps to the rear."
One, two, three.
"Punch Rocky
Graziano in the nose."
All right, on the double,
hy-yut, two, three...
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow. ♪
Move it, move it.
♪ You're in the army now,
you're not behind the plow. ♪
Hold it, hy-yup!
La Paloma.
- Climb on.
- Wha...?
Climb on.
Come on, come on.
- Climb on?
- Air Force.
Come on, on the
double. Here, get up.
- Come on, come on.
- ♪ We're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
Okay!
It's all right, little
more. That's it.
Easy, easy.
- Now, Sarge...
- Quiet, quiet.
One, two, three.
La Paloma.
All right, over, come
on. Hut, two, three, four.
- ♪ You're in the Army now... ♪
- Hut, two, three, four.
- ♪ You're not behind the plow ♪
- Come on, move it, move it.
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
- ♪ You're in the Army now... ♪
- Come on.
♪ You're in the Army now,
you're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
- Where are we, Sarge?
- Hold it, hold it, what?
One, two, three.
La Paloma.
This is it.
Follow me, men. Hut, two, three!
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
Lonesome Sam.
Called at Rockingham.
20 across on Shirttail in the
third, Santa Anita... check.
Lonesome Sam.
A hundred on Katy's
Dad in the sixth at Tropical.
Gotcha.
Sam... a $100 marker for Johnny?
Cut him down to $50.
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now ♪
♪ We're in the Army now,
we're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
- Hey, Sarge, where are we?
- Shh, our mission is almost completed.
Let me read.
"Seventh rivet from
the top... press."
One, two, three.
Are you taking anything
at Sunshine Park?
Anything.
Hold it.
See who it is.
Hey, it looks like
somebody in uniform.
Uniform?
Switch!
Length: 43!
Length: 43!
Waist: 46!
Waist: 46!
Leg: 29!
Leg: 29!
You want a cuff?
Yeah.
Come in!
Chest: 52!
Chest: 52!
Shoulders: 43!
Sam!
Sorry, wholesale only.
Sam, it's me... Bilko.
Bilko, are you crazy, bringing
a whole regiment in here?!
- This town's hotter than...!
- Quiet. Take it easy!
They don't know anything.
They're with me,
they're all right.
Oh, okay.
Switch!
Lonesome Sam.
- Hey, Sarge, where are we?
- Isn't it obvious?
This is the headquarters
of the Army Intelligence
Western District.
- Really?
- Yes, it's very exciting, but keep...
Don't bother the officers.
Sam, look, I got
to bet $200 on...
Bilko, I'm in enough trouble.
I don't book bets on soldiers.
Sam, this is the whole
platoon welfare fund...
200 bucks on Popover.
- Let me see the odds.
- The fifth race at Belmont.
Now, look, look, look, Moe,
I can't deliver a scratch
sheet to you now.
I'm on the phone.
Sir, if it's a vital
message, I can take it.
I was on the track
team at school.
Moe, okay, okay,
I'm sending a kid over.
He'll deliver it to
you. Yeah, right.
Here, 621 Oak Terrace.
- On your way.
- Yes, sir.
621 Oak Terrace.
Hey, do you know where that is?
No.
I'll ask a policeman.
Hey, close that door!
All right, Sam, is it a bet?
$200.
- 40 to one?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's time for the fifth at Belmont.
Hey, put on the radio.
They're at the post,
the fifth at Belmont.
- At the post?
- Yeah, the fifth regiment at Fort Belmont.
- They're off.
- They're off?
Yeah, army maneuvers.
In the first turn, it's
Popover by two lengths.
Popover?
General Popover... He
always leads his men.
In the backstretch,
it's Popover by one length
with Little Mabel coming up fast.
- Little Mabel?
- That's the general's wife;
she's always by his side.
- Come on, Popover!
- They're turning for home.
- Did they forget their rifles?
- Oh, quiet.
It's Popover, Little Mabel,
and Battleship Gray.
Battleship?
The Navy is in on it...
combined operations.
They're coming down the stretch.
They're neck and
neck, down to the wire.
Open up in the name of the law.
- The cops!
- Okay, okay, everybody, into the wagon.
I'm glad you came.
I was holding these men
at bay until you arrived.
- Ah, get into the wagon.
- I only asked a policeman.
- You.
- Sarge, are we arrested?
No trouble... It's a
civilian defense drill.
You're doing a grand job, sir.
Come on.
Come on.
Okay, bring in the next batch.
You ready for us, sir?
- Hurry up and bring 'em in.
- All right, forward, march.
- Hut, two, three, four!
- ♪ You're in the Army now ♪
- Hut, two.
- ♪ You're not behind the plow ♪
♪ You'll never get
rich by digging a ditch ♪
♪ You're in the Army now. ♪
Get those shoulders back.
Let's be proud.
General, we're ready
to be mustered out.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
I thought this was the armory.
Right face, forward march.
- Hut! -Wait, stop!
- ♪ We're in the Army now. ♪
This is a pretty sight...
An American sergeant
with five young rookies
found in a horse parlor.
- But Sergeant Bilko...
- Aah!
Name, rank, and serial number...
That's all you have to give.
So you won't talk, huh?
May I remind you of
the Geneva conference?
- It states...
- Quiet!
As a citizen and a
member of the armed forces,
I believe I'm entitled
to one question.
Go ahead.
Who won the fifth
race at Belmont?
- There was such excitement...
- Quiet!
Sam, step forward.
All right, where is he?
We got the whole bunch, Chief.
Sir, I kept 'em at bay
until the police came.
Quiet!
Yes, sir.
So we finally nabbed
you, Sam, huh?
I'm going to show you that this
city has no use for bookmakers,
and as far as you
horseplayers are concerned,
I am going to make an
example out of every one...
Hi, Dad.
Dad?
What's my son doing up there?
He was the runner we picked up.
Sir, I knew he was your
son the minute I saw him.
- Never mind.
- He has your eyes, those steely eyes, sir.
- Will you shut up?!
- You can be proud of that chin.
- He's your boy.
- Can you see the afternoon papers?
"Chief of Police's Son
Nabbed in a Raid"?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Here, here, what are you doing?
Just the racing
section, sir, if you don't...
Now what are we going to do?
Relax, Bilko, your horse lost.
- He lost?
- Yeah.
Oh, there goes the 200
bucks for the platoon...
Look, Bilko, I'll give
you back the 200 bucks
- if you help me beat this rap.
- You will?
- Yeah.
- Chief, let's just be realistic.
I am.
I have never let my personal
life interfere with my duty
and I'm not going to start now.
I have never been able
to hang a rap on-on Sam,
and if he's guilty,
they're all guilty.
Yeah, but, Chief,
maybe we could...
No, no, no. There's
no other way out.
Excuse me, sir, but
there is a way out.
- Oh, there is?
- Believe me, sir, I'm very sincere.
Will you excuse me
just a minute, sir?
Sam, were you and your
boys ever pinched before?
Our record's clean.
Sir, I have the
solution, believe me.
If I can have you in
the privacy of your office
for just a minute,
sir... Okay, follow me.
200... you give back? All right.
To the best of my ability...
to the best of my ability...
As members of the
United States Army.
As members of the
United States Army.
- Nice work, Bilko.
- Thank you, sir.
Well, they've taken the oath.
Congratulations, Colonel.
- Thank you, General.
- Sergeant, those ten men
you recruited topped
the Navy and the Marines.
- Ten? I thought there were five.
- This way, men.
- I had a little time on my hands, sir.
- Good luck.
- Best of luck.
- Welcome.
- We'll stretch you a few inches.
- Welcome into the service
- of your country.
- Good luck to you, boys.
Glad to have you aboard.
Good luck, fellas.
Where's Lonesome Sam?
Uh, where's Lonesome Sam?
Where's Lonesome...?
Did you see Lone...?
Where's Lonesome Sam?
Did you see Lone...?
Also seen in tonight's cast
were Hope
Sansberry as Mrs. Hall,
Paul Lipson as Lonesome Sam,
Bob Cholly as Feldman,
George Mclver as
the marching rookie,
and Tony Galento as Little Pete.