The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 28 - Bilko and the Beast - full transcript

A new drill Sergent arrives at the base. Bilko sees a new mark to skim money from. However the Sergent soon displays he intends to be in charge and will be fleecing every cent he can from Bilko.

♪ Dee-dee-dee... ♪

Well, well, well...
Happy GIs in play.

- Where's the action?
- Hey, Bilko?

Somebody call me?

Hey, you're the baseball expert

- around here.
- Well?

Well, I bet you can't
answer this question.

I'll answer any
question on baseball.

Well, here's five bucks says
you can't answer this one.

Well, sir, I'll just cover that.

- Five more?
- Glad to do business



- with you, Andy.
- Don't forget me.

I'll never forget you.

All right, what's the question?

All right, how's that go again?

Oh, yeah, I got it.

Bases are loaded. None out.

Then there's three
clean singles in a row

and not a man scores.

How?

Bases are loaded.

- Yeah. -Yeah.
- Yeah.

None out?

- Yeah. -Yeah.
- Yeah.

Three clean singles in a row?



- Yeah.
- Yeah. -Yeah.

And not a man scores?

- Yeah. -Yeah.
- Yeah.

- It was a girls' baseball team.
- Yeah.

You did it again, Sarge!

Hey, how about a little pool?

Dollar a ball?

Ah, come on, fellas.

Let's have some
action around here.

This joint is dying on its feet.

Come on. Let's look alive.

Look, I'm just nutty enough
to bet on anything today.

Anything...

I'll bet you
anything you want...

the next man that walks
in here is barefooted.

- Barefooted?
- Anything you want, I...

- Hi, Sarge.
- Not yet!

I didn't make the bet!
What are you rushing...?!

Hey, take a look at
him. He was ready to bet.

Hey, uh, Sowici,

you got any more
baseball questions?

Ah, you just wait, you
guys. Bilko will get his.

Oh, he's already got his,
and he's got yours, too.

Hey, get a load of this.

We got a new drill sergeant just
transferred from Camp Hanley.

"Master Sergeant
Quentin Q. Benton."

Quentin Q. Benton?

Maybe it's a WAC!

Hey, that's the... that's the
sixth drill sergeant this year.

Quentin Q. Benton?

He won't stay here long
enough to pronounce his name.

Quentin Q. Benton...
Can you see him

trying to get Bilko
to par... parade?

Imitation... "This is
Sergeant Quentin Q. Benton.

Sergeant Bilko, parade."

Quentin Q. Benton.
Quentin Q. Benton...

Hi. Welcome to Fort...

What do you think, Beast?

A chicken outfit.

You men hear that?

Sergeant Benton thinks
this is a chicken outfit.

Any questions?

- Yeah, I got a question.
- Wait a minute...

I'll handle this.

You're not kicking
anybody around.

Come on, put 'em up...

Hey, what are you
trying to pull here?

Now, look, you meatballs...

I'm Corporal Krim,

the sergeant's
special secretary.

I'll handle all the
little fund-raising

like, uh, dances and, uh,

and raffles that the
sergeant thinks up.

But Sergeant Bilko handles
things like that around here.

- Bilko?
- Bilko?

Where are they? Where?
I hear there's some

new men on the post...
Oh, there they are!

Well! Welcome to Fort Baxter.

Now, you men will want
some gifts to send home.

Little souvenirs of Army life?

You're very lucky.
I just got this in.

"Home" and "Mother" pillows,
chock-full of pine needles.

And rock-bottom prices, too.

I didn't introduce myself.

I'm Sergeant Bilko.
You can call me Ernie.

I feel... ow!

Your friend is a little robust.

Well, sir, now that we've
learned to trust each other

you might be interested
in the only genuine

Fort Baxter stationery.

If you'll notice, it's
beautifully monogrammed.

And it's only $2.00 a box.

Nice, I'll take one.
Here's a quarter.

All righty, put...

Quarter? You don't understand.

They're worth at
least $5.00 a box.

They are? Here,
they're yours for $5.00.

Well, I'm a little overstocked
with them right now...

That's all right. I trust you.

Handshake?

I'd rather pay cash.

I hate to have little debts
hanging over my head.

Well, there's a
lesson for you boys.

Buy and sell... It's
the very lifeblood

of the business world.

What is it? Does it want to
be fed? What? What is that?

The Beast wants to play pool.

He wants to play pool.

Well, I'll be glad to
accommodate you,

but I must admit, I don't know
too much about the game.

Ten dollars, eight
ball, side pocket.

I'll just cover that bet.

Ah! Too bad, miss.

No, you don't seem to
understand. I win that bet.

You see, you bet
that the eight ball

would go into the side
pocket, but it didn't go in.

I said, "Eight
ball, side pocket."

I didn't say it was
going to go in.

Now, you see how he
didn't say it was going to go in

and I thought it
was going to go in?

And what do we
learn from this, men?

We learn to listen
and learn and be alert.

All is not what it seems.

Listen.

What is it? Does it
want some meat?

- Quiet!
- Quiet, men.

The Beast wants to talk.

Quiet, he's going
to say a few words...

Shut up!

Now, hear this: I'm
going to say this just once.

Here's what I don't like.

I don't like bald-headed guys

with big mouths
who wear glasses.

An honest opinion. I
don't say I agree with him.

But I'll defend with
my life his right...

- Shut up!
- Shh, quiet.

Here's what I like.

Here's what he likes.
Make notes, men.

This is what he likes.

I like being a drill sergeant.

I like to drill guys until
their tongues hang out.

I like to see them
crawling through the mud.

I like to see them getting
their faces scratched

and sleeping all
night out in the rain.

Funny, but that's the way I am.

That's the way he is.

Some men like women,
he likes fellas scratched up...

Sh... I'll see you
at drill, crumbs.

- I've had enough! Let me...
- Paparelli!

I'm surprised at you.
Resorting to force? Calm down...

Sarge, he's a brute.

Sarge, what are we going to do?

Do? What? What do
we have to do? What?

Sarge, you afraid of him?

I'm going to pretend I
didn't hear you say that.

Afraid of him, indeed!
Because I show

a little perceptiveness,
does that mean I'm afraid?

Because I'm tolerant?
Because I'm trying

to see things from
his point of view?

Now, gentlemen,
let's review this.

A man walks in here,
obviously antagonistic.

He talks too loud, he
bangs, he squeezes too hard.

To me, an obvious display
of massive inferiority complex.

And it manifests itself
in the Freudian theory

of inner regret.

Now, I'm sure you know what
I'm talking about, Paparelli.

Because... You don't? You
don't know about the debate?

Oh, this all came out in
the debate that Freud had

with Spinoza many
years ago in Budapest.

You remem... you
read this. You didn't?

Oh! Tremendous. Tremendous!

Freud came out with the
then-unheard-of theory

that man and the inner man...

When there is an
obvious submersion

of the libido into
the id section...

You will find a regression.

Freud definitely points
out that in the alter ego,

when there is an Oedipus
complex which is prevalent,

you will see that the man
who shows sadistic tendencies,

aggression will also
submerge into the cocoon

of being withdrawn
from the entire self.

Freud, Freud in his
search for knowledge...

Oh, this is way before The
Search for Bridey Murphy...

He had this in
mind, he knew this.

He knew that the id
complex will manifest itself

with an outburst,
a bedlam of guilt.

And there you have the libido
intertwined with the id complex.

Intertwined with the
heterogeneous sections "A,"

heterogeneous sections
"B," and it came...

Oh, Spinoza denied this!

Oh, he screamed! Screamed!

Didn't do him any good,

because there's the theory
brought right out here.

We have a man
showing inner rejection

in this very room a
few moments ago.

He walked in with this
massive aggressiveness.

It looks on the
surface he's sadistic.

But it isn't that at all.

It's just his desire saying,
"I'm not so big. I am little."

That's what he's saying.

He wants to be loved.

He shows it, but he hides it.

That's his whole quest:
He wants to be loved.

It's his way of
saying, "Love me."

Oh!

Now, how can we
get rid of the creep?

Now, this is Sergeant
Benton's bunk...

The torture chamber, right?

You got the rocks
in the right place?

- Yeah.
- Good. Now, is this the hardest

- mattress you could get?
- The hardest.

- Hey, Sarge, do I have
to sleep under him?

Of course, you're the loudest
snorer in the whole platoon.

We need you. We
need that snore of yours.

Now, look... every hour, on
the hour you have a nightmare.

You scream, you
kick, you yell. Right?

Okay, and when he
comes to me complaining,

I'll try to be reasonable.

I'll say, "Sergeant Benton,
these are Army regulations.

It's the only bunk open.
My hands are tied."

I'll say to him, "Of
course, Sergeant Benton,"

I'll say, "if you wish
to be transferred..."

- Here he comes, Sarge.
- All right, boys.

Look alive. We have a guest.

Well, Sergeant Benton,
this is your bunk...

- Hey, Sarge, look!
- An honest mistake.

Just... relax.

I would like to
point out, sir, that I...

Those are my clothes, of course.

I feel that it isn't my fault

that you've got this
place on the bunk.

I feel that in the
Army regulations...

Yes, of course.

I feel that if you feel that
you're not comfortable enough,

well, it isn't my fault.

Army regulations say that
the first bunk open, a man gets.

Now, I would rather
you have what you want,

but as you can see,
my hands are tied.

I want you to be just where
you feel that you should be.

However, well, yeah,
they are a little gaudy.

All right, I feel
that if you feel...

Oh, this is you as
a boy, very lovely.

I feel... I don't know why,
why they make these rules,

but those are the rules.

But there's one
thing I must insist on.

What's that?

You will water those
geraniums, won't you?

Here. Take these things
and get out of here.

Get out? Well, I'm sure
if you want to be privately

concerned for a moment,
that's all right with me.

But believe me,
my hands are tied.

I don't want you in that
upper bunk, it's just that was

the only bunk open, and if
they're going to react that way,

believe me, I
don't, I don't... Here.

You take the upper bunk,
and if I catch you snoring...

What happened, Sarge?

What happened?
What? What happened?

What do you mean,
"What happened?" What?

You're going to let
him get away with it?

Get away with...?

Don't you fellas ever
understand anything?

I convinced him to have
my room. Don't you see that?

Don't you recognize he's
going through a cocoon period?

Freud definitely says
that when a man is rejected

from society in his mind
and the frustrations within,

he will withdraw from the world.

- That's what he's doing.
- Oh, if I didn't see this

with my own eyes,
I wouldn't believe it!

Somebody must've spread
some bread crumbs around.

- The pigeons are back.
- Oh, it's pathetic.

Bilko ain't even
putting up a fight.

Do you mind? Do you
mind if I like to see a man

is comfortable since he's only
going to be here for a week?

Oh, he's going to
be gone in a week?

Gone and forgotten.

Would you like to
make a little bet on that?

Oh, you insist on
throwing your money away.

I'll throw $20.

All righty, we'll just
cover that, Rocco.

- Me, too.
- I'm in.

You asked for it, there it is.

And he'll be out
of here in a week.

One week, gone and forgotten.

Oh, that I gotta see!

Hey, Sarge? Sarge,
are you crazy?

He's a monster.
You can't outtalk him,

because he don't hear you.

True, boys, he's a
brute. He's a hulk.

But all we've got to
do is get him to think.

- To think?
- To think.

We've got to lull him into
a false sense of security.

- We'll throw him a party.
- A party?

Boys, boys, boys, you
continually doubt me.

Believe me. It's a
small brain it has.

And it takes a long
time for it to warm up.

But we've got to
reach that brain.

We've got to start him to think.

Once he starts to think,

he'll be nothing but
a shattered shell.

Think. That's what we got to do.

How's your steak,
Sergeant Benton?

You can call me Beast.

He said I can call him Beast.

He's accepted me.

Men, we made the right decision.

I'm glad we did it.

Did what?

Did what? Sergeant, what
do you figure you're worth?

Worth?

Yes, in dollars and cents.
What do you feel you're worth?

Oh, I don't know.

- We know.
- You do?

Yes, sir. We figure
you're worth $100,000.

You figure I'm worth $100,000?

Sitting there calmly
eating your steak,

you're worth $100,000.

Who says so?

- This says so.
- What's that?

An insurance policy in
your name for $100,000.

The boys want the world to
know what they think of you.

$100,000?

Yeah, not everybody
can say that, can they?

Yeah, and my old man said
I wouldn't amount to nothing.

There it is, black and white.

"$100,000 insured for
Sergeant Quentin Q. Benton."

Oh, I forgot.

You've got to pass the
insurance physical exam first.

I've never flunked
a physical in my life.

Oh, well, fine. Mr...
Mr. Crawford, the insurance man,

is waiting at the
doctor's office.

- Out of my way.
- Sarge, well?

He's not thinking yet.
He's not thinking yet.

Hey, Beastie baby, baby boy!

Mr. Crawford, you could
insure him for a million.

Why, he's the strongest
man I've ever seen.

Here you are.

If you'll sign, uh, right
here, Sergeant Benton.

Yeah. A hundred
thousand bucks, eh?

That's one "t" in Benton.

Thanks.

Thank you. Now Sergeant Bilko...

Yes, indeedy.

Sign right here, please.

- Right there.
- Why does he have to sign?

He's the beneficiary.

Now I'll take a look at
those reports, please?

Fine, fine.

Rocco, Henshaw, second
beneficiary, third beneficiary.

Uh, what's a beneficiary?

Oh, don't you worry your
pretty little head about it.

That means we just, you
know, we just put up the money.

Cost us $60 for the first month.

After all, we're you're
benefactors, Beastie baby boy!

But, Sarge, he's going all
over the post telling everybody

he's worth a hundred grand.

Yeah, Sarge, when is
he gonna start thinking?

Rocco, baby, patience, patience.

This is a small brain.

It takes a long time to warm up.

But once the thoughts
start getting to it... pow!

A nervous wreck! Listen to me!

Make way for a
hundred thousand bucks!

Hey, Beastie baby,
don't move so fast.

You'll lose weight.

After all, you're
worth $500 a pound!

$500 a pound, huh, Big Mouth?!

Why does he keep doing...?

Where's Krim?

He's inside.

He doesn't know about it yet.

No, he don't.

Hiya, Beast!

Hiya.

What are you so happy about?

You just see somebody
get run over by a truck?

Krim, what would you
say if you had the honor

of meeting a guy who was insured

for a hundred thousand bucks?

What would I say?

I'd say I'd like to
be his beneficiary.

Beneficiary?

Why the beneficiary?

Well, because the beneficiary

gets the hundred
grand when the guy dies.

Yeah?

He's starting to think.

Of course, that's,
uh, for a natural death.

If the guy has an
accident or gets killed,

that's called
"double indemnity,"

and the beneficiary
gets $200,000.

Yeah?

Whoa, he's thinking
like crazy now! Shh.

Boy, you sure got
this post by the ears.

You know, you're
the sixth drill sergeant

that this place
has had this year.

Yeah?

Not one of 'em lasted
more than a week.

Yeah, Bilko took care of them.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What happened to
them? How did they die?

Die? I don't know? Did they?

Hey, Beast, are you
worried about something?

Me?

Absolutely not a
thing to worry about.

I'm in fine shape.

Hiya, Beastie boy!

Stay away from me.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Why?

I don't know. Maybe
it's the light you're in.

You look a little...

Oh, a little hot soup and
you're gonna feel fine.

I made it myself.

Go on, Beastie boy, have at 'em.

I feel absolutely great.

Doctor said I was the
finest specimen he ever saw.

I should live to be 110.

Oh, you'll live to be 150.

Eat your soup, old
man of the mountain!

I guess I'm a lot healthier
than those other sergeants

you had around here.

Oh, with them,
it was accidental,

but they liked my soup!

Go on! Have some of it, pal.

I want you to have some of it.

Why, we're gonna see
to it that you live forever.

Forever?

In our hearts.

Have your soup, pal.

After all, we can't have

$200,000 worth of
soldier fading away!

Why are you so anxious
I should eat that soup?

Anxious? I'm not anxious.

Just a little midnight
snack. I prepared it myself.

You taste it.

M-Me? I already ate.

You... second
beneficiary... You taste it.

N-No, thanks. Gives me hiccups.

You taste it!

Oh, no, no!

I'll taste it. I love...

Ah, no, no! Are you crazy?!

Get out of here!

Come on, Beastie boy.

Every little spoonful.

Yeah, no, you don't!

What did you do that for?

Now, look, that grass
won't grow back for a year.

When it does grow back, I
ain't gonna be underneath it.

Beastie, if you don't
mind my saying,

oh, you look a little
frightened or scared.

Scared?

I ain't a-scared of nobody.

And mostly I ain't scared
of you, you understand?

Beastie, baby boy, what's
happening to you, pal?

You mustn't be scared of any...

Especially a beneficiary.

I'm your pal, pal.

Your beneficiary.

But of course, if
you don't like me...

Wait. Uh, I like ya.

It's... it's just maybe I
been thinking too much.

That may be it.

Get a little rest.

You know, maybe I
had you all wrong, Ernie.

Boys, Beast wants
to say good night!

Good night, fellas.

Good-bye, Beast.

Why did they say good-bye?

Oh, that's nothing.

Just a slip of the tongue.

Hiya, Crazy Eyes, boy.

Oh... I'm glad.

I'm glad you noticed him.

I meant to tell you about him.

I'm glad youse
found out for yourself.

Watch out for him.

You see, if he comes
at you, during the night,

just take away the
bayonet from him, that's all.

Take away the ba...?

Yeah, you see, he still thinks
he's back in the South Pacific.

We're kinda proud of
him in the Medical Corps.

He's the only guy that
dreams in Japanese.

Yeah, he's got
that... He 'Merican.

'Merican man. He
with us. 'Merican!

You see, you got
nothing to worry about.

He gives you plenty of
warning, you know what I mean?

Now before he lunges,
before he lunges,

he'll always yell, "Banzai!"

You listen for that: "Banzai!"

That'll give you time
to prepare yourself

and take the bayonet
away from him.

Other than that, he's harmless.

Just watch out
for that "Banzai!"

Banzai!

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

What'd it sound like?

"Banzai."

Good boy. The last guy was here,

he thought he
heard "Bird's-eye."

He got cut from ear to ear.

All right, pal, you're okay.

You got nothing, nothing
at all to worry about.

Sure, I...

I ain't got nothing
to worry about. I...

How'd you sleep, Sarge?

Like a baby.

Hey, Sarge, what's
going on in there?

Thinking. All night, thinking.

Who is it?!

It's... it's just me, Big Mouth.

Oh. Are you alone?

Oh, I just got one
of the boys with me.

Oh. Ju-Just a minute.

Hiya, Beastie boy!

Uh, get a little
hot breakfast in ya,

and then it's out in the drill.

Crazy Eyes. He
made it for you himself.

Get that in ya, pal.

I ain't hungry.

You're not hungry?

Beastie, baby,
you got us worried.

What do you mean?

Well, the boys in the
platoon are talking.

They say the whole
platoon is cracking up,

'cause you've gone soft.

I ain't gone soft.

I ain't afraid of nobody.

That's the ol' Beastie
baby we know.

Come on in and whip this
platoon right into shape!

All right, I'll show 'em.

All right, men!

- Now hear this!
- Present arms!

Beastie, what's the
matter, baby boy?

What's the matter,
these guys gone crazy?!

What's the matter
with you fellas?

I said, "Present arms."

I didn't say, "Aim and fire."

Oh, you, you bad soldiers.

Never aim at
anybody, understand?!

Never aim at anybody!

It's nothing to
worry about, though.

Those rifles are not loaded.

- Oh...
- Put those rifles down.

Beastie, it was all a mistake!

It was a mistake, Beastie boy!

Oh, what a terrible
mistake they made!

Beast, you can't
go on like this.

For a whole week
now you haven't eaten,

you haven't slept, you
haven't left the room.

I ain't afraid of anybody.

Just because Bilko
shot his mouth off

and said you'd be gone
and forgotten in a week...

A week! Today's the last day.

Today's the last
day of the week.

If I can just lay low for today,

then nothing'll happen
to me. I'll be safe.

I ain't lettin' nobody in!

It's the colonel, Beast.

- Oh, the colonel.
- You have to let him in.

Oh, let's take this away.

Colonel Hall.

Benton, you came here

with a reputation as
a tough drill sergeant.

Now, what's happened?
You've been here for a week,

and this platoon hasn't
even been out of the barracks.

Oh, sir, we do march

to the mess hall up
and back every day...

Quiet!

Benton, I order you
to take them out today.

I want to hear the rifle firing.

And you will, sir. All
we want is a chance, sir.

Quiet!

That's an order, Benton.

Get out of this barracks
and in front of those men.

In front of those men?

That's an order!

Yes, sir.

Beastie, baby boy,
when do we start?

I'll be right with you.

All righty.

Let's go.

Are you crazy?!

The colonel is in on it, too!

Hey, Beast, you're
out of your mind!

Am I? Today's the day.

Today's the day I'm
supposed to get it!

He's really thinking now.

Beast, it's all in your mind.

Is it?

Paparelli and Doberman
are out there picking flowers.

Beast, maybe you ought to go

and have a talk
with the chaplain.

Yeah, the chaplain.

Why didn't I think
of that before?

Where's my hat?

- Oh, there it is.
- He's gonna go see the chaplain.

Sarge, the chaplain
will give everything away.

Not if I get there first.

Positions "B," like I told you.

Hi, fellas.

- Hi, Beast.
- Hi, Beast.

Uh, you fellas know where
the chaplain is on this post?

Yeah, the other side
of the parade ground.

Thanks. I'll...

Would you like me to show you?

No, no, thanks.

I think I can find it.

Sergeant, would, uh,

would you mind holding
this up to your head?

There, that's it.

Make it six-foot five!

With silver handles!

Hello, Beast.

Hiya, Beast.

Hi, fellas.

Yes, Captain, I
wrote the boy's folks,

and I think everything's
gonna be all right.

You're quite welcome.

So now you're a reporter
on the post newspaper, right?

Yes, Chaplain,
too long I've lived

in the world of make-believe.

Now I want the facts, sir.

- Facts?
- Yes.

You know the wonderful speech
you made, that farewell speech

when Sergeant McMahon
got his discharge,

and he got into the Air Force?

It really wasn't much
of a speech, Bilko...

Oh, it was wonderful.

And I'm gonna
put it on the front...

Please, sir, I-I'm
meeting a deadline.

If I remember correctly,
it went this way:

- "This is a sad occasion..."
- "This is a sad occasion.

"Saying farewell to
a soldier is always

"a sad and trying time.

"Although he was with
us only a short while,

"we grew to love him and
will respect his memory.

"But let us console
ourselves with the thought

"that although we'll
miss him down here,

by tomorrow, he'll be
up there, soaring high."

You want any more?

No, no, that's
fine. That's fine.

I got all I wanted. Thank you.

It served its... Thank
you very much, Chaplain.

Bilko.

Sir?

I have a feeling
I've just been taken.

Taken? Chaplain,
would I do anything

like that to you, sir?

Yes.

All right, where is
he? Where is he?

Sarge, Sarge, you missed it!

He came in here,
picked up his gear,

and then him and
that corporal took off.

Man, they must be halfway
to the next post by now.

Banzai!

Let this be a
lesson to you guys.

When it comes between a
battle between brains and brawn,

bet on brains.

Beast was played
by George Mathews.

Corporal Krim was Don Hanmer.