The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 19 - The Revolutionary War - full transcript

Attention, Sergeant Bilko.

Where is the
colonel's staff car?

Report at once.

WOMAN: Sergeant Bilko,

where are your daily worksheets?

Report to the
company clerk at once!

Now I ask you, how can a man
think with that racket going on?

Paparelli, fix it.

Sergeant Bilko,
report at once to the...

All fixed.

All right, men, what do you got?



Two pair... jacks and nines.

I got three queens.

What do you got, Sarge?

Well, as Tommy
Manville once said

when he invited all his
ex-wives to a reunion,

"I got a full house."

Some people te... tell
your fortune with cards.

Bilko just takes it.

Now, now, now, men, please.

When you play cards with
me, you don't lose money...

You learn a trade.

Hey, Sarge, can I sit in
for a hand, just for fun?

Duane, you've forgotten
your first lesson.

You never play
for fun in the Army.



Poker is a serious business.

If you want to join us, go out
and borrow a buck and come back.

All right, men, how about a
round of Mexican slap the deck?

- What's that?
- You know the rules.

One-eyed jacks and
red queens are wild.

Deuce of spades is
a spade on either end.

Now, a five of hearts is an ace

if you've got a three
of clubs to go with it.

Ask questions...

- Officer coming!
- Officer coming!

And so, men, when
you disassemble the rifle

be sure that your
cylinder is not blocked

by the trigger housing.

Now, when you get the
rifle in its proper form,

the trigger housing... Ten-hut!

- As you were.
- As you were, men.

Sergeant Bilko,
what are you doing?

Well, we had a little spare
time, and I was alerting the men

on the workings of the rifle.

You see, sir, I always
feel that, uh, idle hands

are the devil's tools.

There's something
wrong somewhere.

- Wrong?
- The colonel heard that there was

a big game going
on in this barracks.

Game?

Gambling in my barracks?

Hey, Bilko, here's a buck.
Can I get in the game now?

Why yes, Private
Doberman, of course you can.

Here it is.

Look at those eager eyes.

Look at those willing
eyes... Willing to learn.

What is this? You...
He gave you a dollar.

Well, of course, sir. You
don't think I'd give him

government property
without getting a deposit!

Of course, now he
can have the dollar back

if he brings the rifle
back in good shape.

Oh, yes, sir, the first
thing I try to do to my men

is instill a certain respect
for government property.

Oh, excellent,
Bilko. As you were.

Thank you, sir.

And so, gentlemen,
when aiming the rifle,

it's best to aim at enemies.

- All clear.
- I have fired...

All clear. Now...

Sarge, Sarge, the way you
take care of them officers...

It's a sheer delight.

Yeah. You had him
up to his knees in snow.

All right.

Sergeant Bilko,

this just came for
you special delivery.

Well, surprise day, huh?

- You want to sign here?
- Yeah, I'll sign.

Uh... Wausopi Falls, Wisconsin.

Must be from my Aunt Minerva.

There's a letter here.

See what it is.

Sounds like a
lot of junk in here.

Oh, that aunt of mine.

Someday they're gonna
drop a net over her.

- Open it up, Sarge.
- What's in it?

She's really... she's
a dear old soul.

In her own way tries to
keep the family together.

Let me see what it says here.

"My dearest nephew Ernest,
Aunt Lena wrote me and told me

that you were in the Army."

News gets around
fast in my family.

I've only been in 14 years now.

"Since you are an
American soldier

"these mementos
are rightfully yours.

"They belonged to your
great-great grand uncle

"Major Joshua Bilko, who was
on General Washington's staff

during the Revolutionary War."

You had an ancestor was
in the Revolutionary War?

My great-great grand uncle

was on General
Washington's staff.

No kidding?

Go ahead, Ernie, what
else does she say?

Goes on to say,
"Cherish these souvenirs

"and carry on the great
military tradition of the Bilkos.

Your loving Aunt Minerva."

The great military
tradition of the Bilkos.

Bilko?

- The Revolution!
- The first president.

- Open that, Roc.
- Yeah.

Bilko in the Revolution.

Hey, look at this.

Here's a broken sword.

Hey, there's an
inscription on it.

"To Joshua... a trusted
friend and gallant soldier."

From General Washington.

What does it say on the tag?

"Broken in the Battle
of Brandywine Creek,

January 6, 1777."

Look, here's a medal.

Another inscription.

"To Major Joshua Bilko, who
has done more than any other man

for our great cause."

- Looks like an oarlock.
- Oarlock?

"This oarlock of the boat
used by General Washington

in our crossing
of the Delaware."

Gee, look at this old book.

"Diary of Major Joshua Bilko."

Hey, I bet you this
stuff is valuable.

Yeah, Sarge, I wonder what
the pawn shop will give you

when you try to
hock it tomorrow.

Hock it?

Hock it?! Hock these relics?!

Hock these last rememberments
of a great military man?

But, Sarge...

Mullen, I'll have to ask
you to leave the room.

But, Sarge, everything...

Out, out, out. You too, out.

But, Sarge, what did I do?

What did you do? You stood there

and let him slander
your sergeant.

You should have
been at his throat.

Out, out! You, too, out, out!

- Everybody!
- Come on, Sarge, take it easy, will ya?

What's the matter?

Ern, he didn't mean
anything wrong.

Wrong? That's what
hurts... He was right.

- Right?
- Fine...

Yeah, fine link in the
Bilko tradition I am.

Finagling, conniving.

Look what Major
Bilko left behind.

A medal, a broken sword.

What mementos will I leave
behind for some future Bilko?

Loaded dice, marked
cards, raffle tickets?

What a comedown from the Bilkos.

From a major on
General Washington's staff

to a goof-off sergeant.

I got to think differently, men.

I got to aim higher.

I got to fulfill the
destiny for the Bilkos...

And for him.

Colonel Hall? Colonel Hall, sir?

Huh?

Oh, I-I'm sorry, Bilko.

My nerves must be
all shot or something.

You came in here and
started to tell me something,

and I heard a voice saying
something completely insane.

What did you want, Bilko?

Sir, I would like you
to sign this application.

I want to become an officer.

An officer... There!

I heard it again.

I need a rest. It... It
must be the strain.

Sir, it's completely true.

I want to be an officer.

An officer?

You, Bilko? An officer?

Yes, sir.

You see, I must
fulfill the obligations

of my family's great
military heritage.

Look, Bilko, if you're
trying to get out of the Army,

that's a pretty sneaky
way of going around it.

Trying to show that
you're a mental case.

Sir, it's all true.
It's true, sir.

I have a military
heritage behind me.

My great-great grand uncle

was a major on General
Washington's staff

in the Revolutionary War.

There was a Bilko in
the Revolutionary War?

Yes, sir.

And we won?

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

♪ Won't you come home? ♪

♪ Won't you come home tonight? ♪

♪ Oh, I'll do the
cooking, honey ♪

♪ I'll pay the rent ♪

♪ Oh, just come home tonight ♪

♪ Won't you come
home, Bill Bailey? ♪

Hiya, Sarge.

♪ Won't you come home... ♪

Hiya, Sarge.

Something wrong, Sarge?

What is it, Ernie?

Did the colonel find out
where we were hiding

our roulette wheel... In
the trunk of his staff car?

What's wrong, Sarge?

What's wrong?

When the leader
walks into his barracks

and sees the sickening
sight I just saw.

But, Sarge, this is
Wednesday night.

"Relax in your slacks" night.

Relax?

Relax on a military post
where the keynote is vigilance?

Relax, indeed.

But, Sarge, it was your idea.

You said it'd loosen the men up

for the midnight gin
rummy tournament.

And it sure loosened them up.

Fleishman bought four tickets

to your Robert
Fulton Birthday Ball.

Yeah. Mullen went
for a couple of tickets

on your raffle for
the mine detector.

Oh, yes?

Give the men their money back.

Sarge, give the money back?

Every cent that you have taken
by these unauthorized methods,

give it to them back.

- But, Sarge, I don't under...
- And, Corporal!

Get these unmilitary
signs off that bulletin board.

- But Sarge, you got to...
- We're gonna...

gonna have some
protocol around here.

Everything's going
to be spic and span.

- But you got to advertise...
- Quiet.

A little, uh...

A little dusty, would
you say, Paparelli?

Let's have an inspection
of everything around here.

What are you hiding in
there, your discharge?

What is this?

Running a rummage
sale, Paparelli?

Now, you men are going
to toe the mark around here.

Hey, Bilk, what goes?

- What was that?
- I said, "What goes?"

No, what did you
say just before that?

I said, "Hey, Bilk."

"Hey, Bilk"?

"Hey, Bilk"?!

Men, I don't want to seem
severe upon all of you,

but when an enlisted
man refers to his superior

as, "Hey, Bilk"...
I'm sorry, Sarge.

Sarge?

- Sarge what?
- Sergeant.

You remember that.

There are two syllables
to that word... "Sergeant!"

Now, hear this. I want
some things done around...

Sorry, Sarge.

Now, men, it is not my purpose
to put up a wall between us.

- Why you... -Ow! Ow!
- But let's not have too much...

- What's going on?
- Let me go! Let me go!

I ought to knock your
brains out, you dirty little liar.

What-What-What's going on here?

He deserves a beating,
Sarge. You dirty liar.

- I didn't mean it, Sarge. I...
- All right, settle down. Quiet.

What happened here? What, what?

Well, go on, go on...
Say it in front of him.

- Say it in front of all of us.
- Say it! Say it! Say what? What?

- He said something dirty about you, Sarge.
- Oh!

What did you say
about me, Fleishman?

I said I heard that you
were going to be... an officer.

Easy, Gander!

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

What he said was true.

My man, hand me that crop.

Don't stand
there like a fixture.

It's true.

- Sarge...
- I am going to become an officer.

Not you, Sarge!

Quiet!

Formation, on the double!

Formation, quickly.

Now, some of you men
have to get used to these facts.

Some of us...
Buttons, buttons, man...

Some of us are born leaders,

and we must
accept the respons...

Here, belt, beltline.

Chest in.

Some of us who are born
leaders, we must accept our destiny.

Now, I don't expect you
men who do not come

from military families
to understand this.

However, you,
Zimmerman, you understand.

You come from a military family.

Your mother was a WAC.

Here, here.

And so, men, before I leave
for Officers Training School,

I would like to take
with me a memory

of the snap and the precision

which I've taught you
for the past eight years.

Give me this as a
farewell gift of memory.

Ten-hut!

Platoon, right face.

Forward march.

March. To the rear, march.

To the left back, march.

Count off cadence...
One, two, three, four.

Ten-hut.

Platoon, present arms.

Hut two, three, four.

Present arms.

Forward march.

To the rear, march.

Company... halt, hut, two.

Good show.

Sarge, an officer?

Ernie, you?

You fellas still don't
understand, do you?

But an officer?

I'm not doing this for me.

I'm doing it for him.

How can I stay an enlisted man

when you consider
the great exploits

in this wonderful war diary?

Men, I wish to read this alone.

Oh, Sarge, let us hear.

Please, Sarge.

All right.

"The Diary of
Major Joshua Bilko.

Valley Forge, November 10..."

Take off your hats.

"Valley Forge,
November 10, 1777.

"Will there be no end
to this cold and misery?

"Will our gallant
army last the winter

"without the food and clothing?

"This morning, General
Washington called

an emergency
meeting of his staff."

Well, are we all here?

All except Major Joshua Bilko.

Is that young scamp late again?

General, forsooth.

Is he really the type to
be on your general staff?

He is a rake, sir.

Now, listen.

There's no more
wood for the fire,

there's no food,
there's no clothes.

Look at our uniforms.

This is no time
for petty quarrels.

My apologies, General.

It's just that we haven't
eaten for three days.

Well, neither have I.

But by our example,
the men will take heart.

Hey, ho! Come, Benji!

Quarter those horses!

Hello, men. Howdy do?

Here, here! Back! Back!

I have my own man.

Benji, thank you.

My apologies for
being late, gentlemen.

However, today was the
drawing for my turkey raffle.

Turkey raffle?

Oh, yes. You knew about that...

Oh, General, I wish
you could've been there

to see the eyes of our men...

Those gallant men
in their tattered rags...

As they looked up at
me with pleading eyes,

anticipatory, as I
drew the lucky number.

Oh, it made me almost cry,
sir. Shall we get on with it?

- Bilko, you...
- Here, here.

Run your own raffle.

Major Bilko...

Major Bilko.

Sir?

Bilko, before
those starving men,

you had the audacity
to take that turkey?

Good heavens,
General, I won it, didn't I?

As an officer, that
was your opportunity

to make a beautiful gesture.

Well, by Jove, I did.

I let them watch me
eat the drumstick.

Oh, they were...

- General Washington!
- This is disgusting!

Oh, you're right.
It was terrible.

The look in their
eye was frightening.

I had to whip some of them.

- "Back!" I said. "Down, you...!"
- Quiet. Quiet!

We'll try and forget
this regretful incident.

As you say, sir.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry
to interrupt you again,

but, George, I,
I... Oh, Major Bilko!

The sun shines again.

And it is spring at
Valley Forge, my dear.

Oh, Major!

General, you didn't tell me
you engaged this young actress

to entertain the troops
from Philadelphia.

Oh, Major.

Terribly sweet of
you, young lady,

just to come all
the way to enter...

Well, good heavens, Benji!

Do you see who it is?

- It's Mrs. Washington.
- Yes.

By Jove, I say if
you get any younger,

there'll be a revolt
in the... Major Bilko!

Bilko!

Yes, sir?

This is at a crisis, gentlemen.

I've been up all night, and
I finally reached a decision.

You're going to
have an officers' club.

- Bilko!
- Splendid!

Splendid!

I think we should do the
billiard room in Chippendale.

- Oh!
- We'll get Betsy Ross to do the drapes.

Major Bilko!

- Bilko!
- Yes, sir?

What is your opinion?

Oh, yes, Chippendale for
the billiard room, definitely.

- I...
- Major Bilko!

Sir?

We were talking about an
offensive against the British.

Oh, go get them, sir.

Tax us without representation.

Well, get them.

- Smash them! Smash them!
- All right.

- Have you seen the new minuets?
- No.

Oh, the new minuet they're
doing in Philadelphia is...

I can teach it to you, my dear.

- All right.
- Now, it's very simple.

No, no. Pointy
toesies, pointy toesies.

Now... Benji, get your flute.

- Bilko!
- And we dance and...

Major Bilko!

- Sir?
- Stop that immediately.

Later, my dear.

Oh, I must tell you
about the new gavotte.

You'll swoon, my dear, swoon!

Ooh!

Now, gentlemen, we
must strike the British

where they least expect it.

Mirror.

According to intelligence,
if we move our troops...

if we move our troops
across the south of Maryland,

we can bottle up the
British at Yorktown.

Yorktown.

Of course, of course!

It's daring, but it might work.

What is my date for
tonight, Benji? Quickly!

You're busy, sir, you're busy.

Oh, is tonight the night
with those two barmaids?

- Yes, sir.
- Good heavens, I'd forgot that.

Where are we meeting them?

- Brandywine, sir.
- Brandywine!

- Brandywine Creek...
- What was that?

- Brandywine Creek, sir.
- Brandywine?

If we're going to meet
the British tonight,

- that's the place we should go.
- Brandywine?

Now, that's a
British stronghold.

Yes.

Apprehensive, mon général?

Oh, yes, Brandywine Creek...
It's begging to be taken.

The name sings, it sings!

Brandywine Creek... where
we would be least expected.

By Jove, General,
you've done it again.

Alert the men.

On to Brandywine!

Brandywine...
it sings, it sings!

I'll muster the men.

Get the equipment rolling.

And if you're going
amongst the men, General,

please do something
about your hair.

- It's disgraceful.
- Oh!

Brandywine... it sings!

Ho, ho, hum and a flagon of rum!

Off we go!

What! What, Benji!

"On to Brandywine.

"As I write these words,

I am getting ready for
the great adventure."

Great adventure?

If you'll pardon my
saying so, Sarge,

but running a turkey raffle
and winning the turkey himself,

and then conning Washington
into going to Brandywine

'cause he had a date there...

He was something
of an operator, huh?

Rocco, you're speaking
of a member of my family.

That's for sure.

I really pity you guys.

You don't understand.

He was a hot-blooded aristocrat.

Sure, it was wine and women.

But when it came to bravery,

how do you think this
sword was broken?

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Yeah, we're just stupid, Sarge.

- Go on.
- Yeah, come on.

Hmm... "Back at Valley
Forge the next day.

"The Battle of Brandywine...

"was one of the most disastrous
defeats our poor army suffered.

"It was... it was
ill-conceived, ill-timed,

"and why General Washington
insisted on going to Brandywine

is beyond me."

But, Sarge, it was
he who suggested...

Sorry.

You don't understand.

It was the battle,

it was the braveries
that counted!

"Wounded and exhausted,
our men returned

to Valley Forge."

It was horrible.

We didn't have a chance.

Horrible. Horrible.

Brandywine Creek.

How I curse the fate that
made me decide on Brandywine.

It wasn't fate.

It was Major Bilko.

Major Bilko.

Where is he?

I don't know.

I didn't see him
during the battle.

No.

Hey! Hey! Ha!

Ho! -Here he comes.

Hold those horses; the men
have been nibbling at them.

Here.

Well, gentlemen, I came here.

I've got it! I've
got it at last!

At... What happened to you men?

Good heavens, you look awful.

What happened?

We just suffered a terrible
defeat at Brandywine.

Brandywine?

Good heavens, don't tell
me you went to Brandywine,

the British stronghold!

You told us...

I told... Sir, I told
you Yorktown.

"Bottle them up at
Yorktown," is what I said.

I said Yorktown.

Oh, really?

If you feel that way, General.

But, Bilko, I have witnesses.

It's quite all right, gentlemen.

It was an honest mistake.

History will never know.

My lips are sealed. I...

- Oh, General Washington...
- This man is always trying...

Quiet! Quiet!

General, do something
about your hair.

This doesn't become you at all.

Quiet, Bilko.

Now, where were
you during the battle?

Where was I?

While you men were off
at this wild-goose chase,

I spent the entire night
working, working it out.

And here it is, my
completed plan!

The complete plans?

For the officers' club.

Officers' club?

Yes. I have some definite ideas.

However, Benji's thought was

to have the billiard
room in Chippendale.

He thought the
general might like that.

I was going to ask
the general's opinion.

However,

after that mishmash he
made at Brandywine...

Now, we have to start here.

I thought if we push all the
rooms together in the foyer...

- Major Bilko.
- Sir?

Give me your sword.

Your obedient servant, sir.

Now, go.

Yes, sir.

You and your Chippendale...
I told you he wouldn't like it.

Didn't I tell you?

Oh, I-I don't like him.

I'm gonna get a new man.

"That is the true story of
the disgraceful fact of why,

"in spite of all my efforts,

Valley Forge never
had an officers' club."

Ah, don't feel too bad, Sarge.

Yeah, it wasn't his fault

Valley Forge didn't
have an officers' club.

He tried his best.

Look, boys, thanks
for trying to console me,

but you don't have to.

This proves how he straightened
himself out after that setback.

"The oarlock of the boat
used by General Washington

in our crossing
of the Delaware."

He crossed the Delaware.

Hey, Sarge...

Sarge, I wonder
which one is your uncle.

We'll... we'll soon find out.

We'll soon find out
what he had to do

with this historic episode.

"When Washington decided
to cross the Delaware

"and attack the
Hessians at Trenton,

I was in charge
of all the boats."

All right, men, get your tickets

for that great
crossing, friends.

You want to have some fun,

you want to have some gaiety,

you cross the river,
listen to that music.

Wine, women, Hessian girls!

All right, men,
they're only $30!

- Major Bilko.
- 30, 30, 30 doll...

- Yes?
- Major Bilko, I just must be

in the first boat
with the general.

I told everybody.

Everybody wants to
be in the general's boat.

It's crowded, I tell you.

I can't put everyb...

Look, for $20, I can put you
in one of the smaller boats.

You'll like it. A lovely
crowd, very intimate group.

Here, Benji, fix him up.

All right, friends, all right!

You don't want to go to Trenton.

Okay, I got two round-trip
tickets to Camden.

What about it?

They're launching the ships!

All right, men,
there's no hurry.

There's... no boats will
leave until every ticket is sold.

Don't get shut out, men. I...

Bilko, is everything ready?

General, yes, of course it is.

- Good work.
- Hold the boat?

- Where do I sit?
- Your boat.

- Let me see the seat planning.
- Here it is.

Your boat was crowded, sir.

You are terribly popular.

They all wanted
to be with you, sir.

Bilko, where do I sit?

Yes, just a moment,
General, I'll see.

Oh, I put this
lieutenant on the stern.

You know, the...
the little mal de mer.

Let me see. Now, where...?

Here we have it.

Oh, no. Not this seat.

I gave that to Captain Slocum.

He was very generous, as you...

Bilko, in one minute
we cross the Delaware!

Now, where do I sit?!

Just, uh, where...?

General, I'm afraid you're
gonna just have to stand.

"General Washington was
completely unreasonable.

"He stood the whole
way complaining.

Not once did he mention I
didn't charge him a cent."

Boys, I know what
you're thinking.

You're right.

Sarge, this ancestor
of yours, he was, uh...

This ancestor of mine went
out and redeemed himself.

Look at this medal.

The Medal of Saratoga!

What does it say?

"To Major Joshua
Bilko, who has done more

than any other man
for our great cause."

How did he get that?

Well, it's right here.

Let me see. "At the
Battle of Saratoga.

"Our army has
won a great victory,

"the Battle of Saratoga.

"How I would have
loved to have been in it,

"but I overslept.

"I was summoned to General
Washington's headquarters,

and again, the general
was unreasonable."

General, I don't understand
why you're stripping me of my rank

just because I overslept.

After all, I was
up half the night

questioning that very
suspicious Tory woman...

Quiet, Bilko.

Who happened to be
in my room at the time.

Quiet!

At a time like this,
when we're shorthanded

and trying to launch
our final drive to victory,

I have to cut you off my staff.

Sir, I am ashamed.

Where will we get
someone to replace him?

Sir, may I make a suggestion?

It's true that I am
stripped of my glories,

but perhaps I can redeem
myself with a worthy suggestion.

I can suggest an officer, sir,

worthy of your
trust, a loyal officer.

Benji, let the general see you.

- A fine...
- What?

This young lieutenant who's
been running around with you?

Sir, you won't find
a more loyal subject

anywhere in the whole
realm, sir, believe me.

Well, it'd take
days to brief him.

Well, that's his
great attraction, sir.

He knows everything
'cause I've told him the maps,

the codes, everything
he need know.

Well, we do need officers, sir.

Very well, I'll sign
his commission.

You won't regret it, sir.

You'll never find a more
loyal officer in the whole...

Yes, no, but
that's the old maps.

Will you give him the new maps
that we have with the new codes?

Oh, yes.

Because I want him
to be up on everything.

By the way, Lieutenant,
we never did get your name.

Oh, his name is Arnold,
sir, Benedict Arnold...

Benedict Arnold?

Your...

How do you figure
he got this medal?

Look.

"To Major Joshua
Bilko, who has done more

than any other man
for our great cause."

What does it say
on the other side?

The other side?

"Presented in gratitude
by King George Ill."

Sarge.

The English, the
English gave him a medal.

Listen, get this stuff out
of here, you understand?

Bury it. Get a shovel,
bury it so deep,

they won't be able to
find it with a mine detector.

- Off you go!
- Right, Sarge.

And you, if you say one
word about this to anybody...

What is...? Hensh, Hensh!

Wait a minute!

Hensh, here.

Be sure and burn this, too.

What is it?

My officer's application.

What are you standing for?

Don't stand there grinning.

It's 12:00, the witching hour.

Fun time, fun.

Get those signs up there.

All right, men, on the
double! Monte Carlo time!

Fun, fun, fun!

General Washington

was played by
Charles McClelland,

Mrs. Washington by Edith King.