The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 20 - Bilko's Transfer - full transcript

Here's the new inventory.

Right away.

What's that?

It's Colonel Hall.

Good. He's returned
from Washington.

On the back of a motorcycle?

The back of a motorcycle?

Good morning, Colonel Hall.

Get me Sergeant Bilko.

Sir, wasn't your staff car
waiting to pick you up?

Get me Sergeant Bilko!



Get Sergeant Bilko immediately!

Sergeant Bilko, report to
headquarters on the double.

On the double.

Sir, your coat's all
splattered with mud.

Of course it's
splattered with mud.

When you're riding on
the back of a motorcycle,

and-and your own staff car
goes by you at 80 miles an hour

piloted by Sergeant Bilko,

with one arm around
a big platinum blonde...

Platinum blonde?

That's all I saw.

Then the mud hit me.

John!

Hello, Nell.



How was Washington, dear?

I'll tell you about it later.

Uh, you'd better go.

I'm going to get very
mad at somebody.

Now, John, Sergeant Bilko's been
an angel since you've been away.

Obviously. I see that
the post is still here.

Oh, that... that's silly.

The minute I
leave, I get the idea

that he's gonna subdivide
it and sell it as real estate.

John, you're always
picking on Sergeant Bilko.

I know, and this
time I've got him cold.

- I've got him right where I...
- Oh.

Colonel Hall, welcome home, sir.

It's like a ray of sunshine
having you back, sir.

Thank you, Bilko.

You should see the
men on the street,

their faces beaming, so
glad that you're back, sir.

- Thank you.
- If you'll permit me, sir.

♪ Should old acquaintance
be forgot and... ♪

Quiet!

Bilko, I am going to tell you

that I will not stand
for this anymore.

Well, sir, I haven't done
anything too wrong, sir.

Now, John.

I beg your...

Oh, I'm sorry. We haven't met.

Colonel, you didn't
tell me you were going

to bring your beautiful niece
back with you from Washington.

Now, Sergeant Bilko.

Oh, bless my
soul, it's Mrs. Hall.

Here it comes.

Oh, my dear, if you keep
getting any younger...

Oh... Oh, that silly Army rule

about not whistling
at officers' wives.

We're not made
of iron, you know.

- Bilko!
- Yes, sir.

I didn't call you in here to
get involved in social chatter.

Well, it's just that you have
such a kind, open face, sir.

Five minutes ago,

this kind, open face
was splattered with mud.

I don't understand, sir.

Well, you will.

Why wasn't my staff car
waiting for me at the station?

Well, didn't you hear,
sir? It's in the shop.

You see, one of the piston
rods developed a wheeze.

We're having it fixed, sir.

Really? Well, it
sounded perfect to me

as it went by me at 80
miles an hour on Highway 14.

Oh, it purred
along, didn't it...?

Well, you see, I was
taking it for a test run, sir.

I've got you dead to rights.

And I want the true story.

You were driving
down the highway

with a platinum blonde.

I want an explanation.

Go ahead.

- Well, sir...
- Oh, never mind.

You can tell it in
front of my wife.

She's over 21.

Over 21. Well, bless my soul.

- She doesn't look a day over 18.
- Oh.

Why, only yesterday,

Corporal Barbella was
saying, "Isn't Mrs...?"

- Bilko?
- Sir?

Go on with the story.

Yes, sir.

Only yesterday,

Corporal Barbella was
saying to me, "Isn't...?"

- Not that.
- I'm sorry, sir.

You said go ahead
with the story, sir.

I'm talking about the story

about my staff car
and that blonde.

- Oh.
- Explain that.

Well, sir, you just
wouldn't believe it.

I know I wouldn't.

Now, John, if Sergeant
Bilko was in your staff car

with a young lady, I'm sure
he has a logical explanation.

Yes. Yes?

Yes. Um, I'm sure it was
a sister of some soldier

who was ill in camp,

and Sergeant Bilko
was rushing her

to her brother's side.

Thank heavens I have a witness.

Sir, that's exactly
what happened.

I was rushing to meet you,

and there was this
totally blonde stranger

at the side of the road,
screaming, "Help! Help!"

- I pulled up the car. I...
- Never mind!

Sir?

We'll forget about the
incident about your staff car.

My staff car? Well, really, sir,

it's as much your
car as it is mine.

I mean, please be free to call
on me anytime you want it, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

But Bilko, there's
another matter.

While I was in Washington,

the adjutant general
had me in for a little chat.

Oh, isn't that nice? Did you
have a gay time with him, sir?

They're lovely people
up there in Washington.

They're a little peeved
down in Washington, Bilko.

Peeved, sir?

They hardly hear from you.

Well, I try to keep in
touch as best I can.

Bilko, the Army is
run on daily records,

requisitions and inventory.

Once every six
months, if they're lucky,

they get a pad of
scribbled papers from you.

Half of them turn out
to be gin rummy scores.

I just must change
my bookkeeper.

- Bilko.
- You are sweet.

From now on, Bilko,

until your records
are up to date,

there will be no
outside activities.

There will be no games,

no raffles, no
contests, no dances.

- No dances, sir?
- None.

Well, that doesn't include
this weekend's dance, sir?

- Absolutely.
- Well, it's a very important dance, sir.

The men are looking forw...

It's called Honor the Colonel
With Your Presence Dance, sir.

- No.
- They all expect...

Oh, they look forward...

They've made little
colonels out of confetti, sir.

- No!
- The men are looking for...

Sir, I'm sure if you
reconsider... No!

Yes, sir. Well, I
guess that takes care

of the dance I was gonna run

honoring the most
beautiful officer's wife. Mm.

Oh, now John, sto... No!

Well, well, Sergeant Hogan.

Busy, busy, busy, work,
work, work, work, work.

Look at all that beautiful
energy gone to waste.

Sergeant Bilko, the
cocky Ca... Casanova.

What's the matter, Ernie?

You in trouble with
the colonel again?

Me in trouble with old Dad? No.

He's just feeling his oats,

and I'm putting a
little cream on it.

Ow.

Hold that.

I have a vision.

I have a vision of me riding
in the moonlight in a car

with a beautiful
girl alongside of me.

Do you have the same vision?

Yes, except for one thing.

Yes?

You're walking.

You can't have my jeep tonight.

Oh, come on, Joan.

You may have your arm
around that beautiful waitress

from the Roseville Diner,

but it's not gonna
be in my jeep.

Joanie, you got this all wrong.

I don't know this waitress at...

She's a complete stranger to me.

Oh, come on, Joanie.

I thought we were
more than just friends.

We are.

I'm your creditor.

Where's my $30?

Now, what? Are you a
woman or a financial statement?

You'll get your $30
within the hour. Happy?

Thrilled.

Right? Now, Mullen, you
take over Kadowski's detail

in the paint shop.

Paparelli, you're
on the carburetors.

Dillingham, you
check... Hi, Sarge.

- What happened?
- What happened?

The colonel chewed me
out really good this time.

No outside
activities, no nothing.

Hey, Ernie. Ernie, I've
been looking all over for you.

You're supposed to pick
up the colonel in the staff car.

Oh, good old Henshaw,
always on the ball.

It's a lucky thing

you weren't given the message
"The British are coming."

We'd still be an English colony.

Hey, Sarge, what's wrong?

I need $30.

Freeze.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much
for this vote of confidence.

That's all I needed.

First the colonel, then Joan,

and now my very own platoon.

- Thank you.
- Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, they're nervous.
They just got paid.

They're loaded, aren't they?

That's right, Sarge.

Did any one of them buy a ticket

to my Come As You Were On
the Day You Were Drafted Party?

No.

They say they're already broke.

They're not broke.

They just don't trust me
anymore. Don't you see it?

- Sure, they trust you, Sarge.
- They hate

every more I make.

They watch me.
They're suspicious of me.

They're not suspicious
of you, Sarge.

They're not suspicious,
huh? All right, watch this.

Private Doberman, on the double.

Hy-yah, hee-yah!

How are you, Doberman?

Good ol' Doberman. How are you?

All right, Sarge.

Hi, Duane.

You're not suspicious
of me, are you?

No, Sarge, I ain't suspicious.

Ah, good ol' Doberman.

I'll tell you what, Doberman.

Here's my last five dollars.

I want you to have it.

Oh, Sarge, give me a break.

Give you a break?

I'm offering you five dollars.

There's no strings
attached to it.

Why are you always
picking on me?

Why don't you pick
on somebody else?

Why am I always the patsy?

What kind of patsy?
I'm offering you...

That's an order.
Take the five dollars.

No! No!

All right. Here it is.

Any of you fellas
want it, take it.

Not suspicious of me, huh?

Here, you take the five dollars.

But Sarge, it's-it's
your last five dollars.

Doesn't matter.

I think better when I'm broke.

Got to get a way
to find that $30.

We'll hustle up
the dance tickets.

No, no. No more
outside activities.

I got to find some way to
make the colonel change his m...

Hey, get me an
application for a transfer.

On the double.

Sarge, you gonna
leave this outfit?

- Yeah.
- You're crazy.

The colonel will
never let you go.

Exactly. I got to
teach him a lesson.

The colonel's got to learn

that he cannot interfere
with private enterprise.

It's gonna be an
awful shock to him.

He ain't a young man anymore.

He asked for it.

Get me that transfer on the
double, you hear? Oh, Roc?

I'm through thinking.

Sir, I have Lieutenant
Anderson's permission

to speak to the colonel.

What's on your mind, Bilko?

Well, sir, I know I
have this request,

which will come as a
shock to you, but sir,

when a man has
been on the same post

for eight years, he
yearns for new horizons.

Here's your transfer.

I know you'll try to stop
me, but please don't, sir.

I know you'll miss
me around here, sir.

Here are your train tickets.

Please, sir, I must have
these new adventures.

I know you'll have
trouble replacing me.

I've arranged for a car
to take you to the station.

Please don't try to
stop me, sir, because

I know you want me here...

- Your new post is Fort Jason.
- And you need me...

- Good luck.
- Thank...

I'm going?

You're gone.

Yes, sir.

Did the colonel call me back?

Did you say something, sir?

I'm gone. I'm gone.

He's gone. He's gone.

This is Colonel
Burke at Fort Jason.

Where are those half-tracks?

Sergeant Bilko reporting, sir.

Please. I'm telephoning.

Never mind the excuses.
Just get them here.

Oh, Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, sir?

Sergeant, I meant merely

to glance over your
Army record last night,

but I found it so
fantastic, I was up all night.

Well, sir, you see,

the-the records only
give their side of it.

Sir, my side is an
entirely different...

Sergeant, did you
actually put a jet engine

in an Army staff car

and enter it in the
local stock car race?

Let me assure the colonel

that the prize was of
minor consideration to me.

I just wanted to show
that our cars can...

- Sergeant?
- Sir?

Tell me if I'm wrong,
but did you attempt

to celebrate Benedict
Arnold's birthday

with a Let Bygones
Be Bygones Dance?

Well, you see, sir,

the way I look at it,
sir, why hold grudges?

The man just got in
with the wrong crowd, sir.

What I had in mind, sir. I...

Let bygones be bygones, huh?

That's rather
funny, isn't it, sir?

Oh, it's obvious the colonel
has a sense of humor, hasn't he?

Sergeant, this camp
is dead on its feet.

It needs a man like
you to stir things up.

- Yes, sir.
- Keep the men alert.

Let bygones be bygones.

How about that?

Oh, I've got some ideas.

I think...

The new training
records just came in, sir.

Good. Oh, Corporal Mallory,

show Sergeant
Bilko around the post,

and make him feel at home.

Yes, sir. Follow me.

Corporal, ten-hup!

About face. Forward march.

Hup!

I think I should tell you,
Corporal, you see, uh,

sometimes it takes years
for me to feel at home.

- You understand?
- Now, Sergeant, please.

First, I'd like to show
you our NCO club.

Then, we have an
excellent motor pool.

- Then, there's...
- Stop.

I have a vision.

I have a vision
of a moonlight ride

in your jeep tonight with
a beautiful girl beside me.

Do you have the same vision?

Yes, except for one thing.

What's that?

I haven't got a jeep.

No jeep?

I have a Jaguar.

A Jaguar!

Ah, how peaceful the fort
seems, now that Bilko's not around.

Sergeant Baycher, sir.

Oh, send him right in.

Bilko's replacement.

Excellent record.

Hut.

Hut. Hut.

Sergeant Baycher reporting, sir.

Sergeant Baycher.

Welcome to Fort Baxter.

Now, Sergeant, I would
like you to inspect...

I have already inspected
the motor pool, sir,

and if I may say so,

its records are the most
disorganized I have ever seen.

I know. Uh...

- Uh, now I would like...
- I anticipated that

the colonel would want
these records up to date

and will have the men
working all night, if necessary,

to fulfill that order.

Up to date?

Well, now, when
you're through, I...

I anticipated that the colonel
would want a complete inventory

of all parts, tools, and
Army vehicular equipment.

Said inventory
will be on your desk

no later than 0900 tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Does the colonel
wish anything else, sir?

Right now...

Uh, not right now.

Uh, I hope you'll be happy
on this post, Sergeant.

If the colonel will
allow me to say this,

I will be happy only when
our motor pool has reached

an efficiency
rating of triple-A.

Colonel.

Hup.

Lieutenant.

Hup.

Hut. Hut.

Triple-A.

Bilko had a "D."

Sergeant Bilko?

He's our new
motor pool top kick.

He's wonderful... He's
got bed-making contests.

He's running a
serial number raffle.

"Rent a Jaguar"?

He has a staff car
available for groups.

Hey, this guy's doing
all right financially.

You're not kidding.

We ought to meet him.

Oh, he'd love that;
he's very friendly.

Uh, we can be
friendly, too, huh, fellas?

Attaboy, keep it moving,
keep everything going.

Hi, Sarge. We
got all the signs up.

Good boys, good boys.

Now, get the other
posters all over the campus.

- Yeah, but Sarge, we...
- Atten-hup!

Sergeant Bilko?

Sergeant...
Who-who-who called me?

Steve Carpowitz.

- I'm the mess sergeant.
- How are you, Steve?

Say, that's just nice of
you to say hello, Steve.

- How are you?
- Ed O'Brien, Supply.

Supply. You boys do a
bang-up job in Supply.

How are you, Ed?
It's nice to see you.

Sergeant Porter, Signal Corps.

It's a pleasure.
Glad to see you.

Say, you fellas are
being very frien...

Oh, please, don't let
me interrupt your game.

Oh, no, we're just killing a
little time, playing some poker.

- Poker?
- Yeah.

Oh, is that anything
like old maid?

You'll love this game.
W-Why don't you sit in with us?

- Oh, I-I would only...
- Oh, come on, come on, sit down.

Well, all right, maybe I
will, just for an inning or so.

Inning?

- Yes.
- That's baseball.

Oh, that's true.

Shows you what a
dunderhead I am about...

I said, "inning."

Oh, I'll only spoil your...

Come on, you'll
learn as you go along.

- Sure.
- All right, I'll play on one condition.

Now, you boys promise
not to laugh at me.

Oh, now, look,
it's-it's your deal.

My what?

Your deal.

Oh, tha-that's when
you distribute the cards.

Oh, I believe they
have to be mixed, too.

- Yeah... Oh!
- I'm so clumsy.

You'd better play without me.

Oh, no, you're doing fine.

All right.

I, uh, I believe this
is played for money.

Money, that's right.

Well, is everybody in?

- Yep.
- All righty.

You say Sergeant
Bilko sent this?

He sent it to me with my $30.

Isn't that a pretty
girl he's with?

What kind of car is that?

It's a Jaguar.

Look, John, at
the lovely picture

Sergeant Bilko sent today.

Please don't mention
that name around here.

Well, that does it. Hogan?

More motor pool reports?

If they put a patch on an
inner tube down there now,

16 different reports are
made of it in triplicate.

Sergeant Hogan,
the sooner you realize

that this is a
military installation

and not a country club anymore,
the happier you're going to be.

Yes, sir.

Well, I've cleaned my desk up.

Let's go, Nell.

It's about time.

- Hut.
- Oh, that's Baycher.

Hup.

Hup. Hut.

For the colonel's approval,
sir, daily maintenance reports,

fuel consumption data,
and a complete breakdown

on the mileage of
each Army vehicle

and the amount of fuel used by
same as of 1800 hours this date.

Oh, good work,
good work, Sergeant.

I'll take care of
that in the morning.

May I remind the colonel

that if he checks these
reports out tonight,

they can be in division
headquarters at 0900 tomorrow

for extra consideration
toward a triple-A rating?

Uh, of course, of course.

Well, tha-that'll
be all, Sergeant.

Nell, I won't be able to go
home with you tonight for dinner.

Oh, John, you haven't had
dinner at home this week.

I know, Nell, but look here...

What is it, Sergeant?

I was waiting for the colonel
to return my salute, sir.

Oh.

Hut. Hut.

Hup. Hup. Hup.

Well, I'm sorry,
Nell, I can't go.

I've got to do
all these reports.

Oh, John.

Nell.

Yes, John?

What were you making for dinner?

Stewed chicken and dumplings...
The way you like them.

Good night, dear.

Stewed chicken and... - Hut!

Oh, this is fascinating.

Now it's my turn?

That's right.

Oh, let me see if I
understand this right.

Now, I take the pool...

No, no, no, pool is
the name of the game.

Now, this is called a cue stick.

Oh, the cue. I
must re... The cue.

- Yes.
- All right.

- A-And then...?
- Then you hit the ball.

- Oh, then I hit the ball.
- Yes.

All right.

- Oh!
- No!

Go like this, see?

- Oh, like that, I see.
- Yeah.

- Are all the bets down?
- Right. -Right here.

All right.

Three ball in the side.

Six ball in the corner.

Come here, little
darling eight ball.

Come here, little eight ball.

Here you go, ha.

- Amazing. Simply amazing.
- Sergeant Bilko. Sergeant Bilko.

- Sergeant?
- I want to get in your football pool.

I'd like two tickets to
the Hello, Autumn Ball.

- Me, too.
- All right. See Private Lockebill.

He'll take care of everything.

Sergeant Hogan,
Sergeant Baycher claims

that you haven't checked
out his last inventory.

Get on the ball.

But Colonel Hall, he's
only been here a month

and this is his 19th inventory.

If this is getting to be
too much work for you...

Paparelli.

Sergeant Baycher
wishes to report, sir,

that the three ten-ton diesels

cannot be operated until a
special wheel box grease arrives

from the supply depot in Tulsa.

Oh, no.

This is an instantaneous report.

Sergeant Baycher will send

the full written
reports immediately.

- Very well.
- Murder!

I heard that.

Working too hard,
Private Paparelli?

No, sir.

Is the sudden shock
of giving the Army

a day's work for a day's pay

- getting too much for you?
- No, sir. No, sir.

If your platoon can't keep
up with your new sergeant...

- Yes, sir. Yes...
- John.

Oh, Nell, I'm too
busy. I'm sorry, I can't...

John, it's the
marketing. Here's the list.

On furlough, Private Paparelli?

Heading right back, sir.

Sergeant Baycher.

The reports on the
breakdown of the diesels, sir.

The colonel can see
that we are not to blame.

I know, the wheel box
grease got lost in channels.

Exactly, sir, my original
requisition and voucher

clearly states that
I ordered 900...

I know, but Sergeant, we
never had any breakdown before.

How did Bilko get all the
grease or anything else he wanted

at a moment's notice?

I wouldn't mention that,
sir, not for the record.

What do you mean?

I have discovered that,
contrary to all Army regulations,

Sergeant Bilko
had a private deal

with a local filling station.

He got grease, parts,
anything he wanted locally?

How did he do it?

The colonel may have noticed

that many civilian cars in
this area have jeep tires.

Frightful, but we never
had any breakdowns.

If the colonel is displeased

with my adherence
to Army regulations,

I will bring him my
duplicate order, sir.

No, no, you're doing a
wonderful job, Sergeant.

- Thank you, sir.
- John.

Oh, uh, Sergeant, uh,

will you send one of
your drivers into town?

My wife has some shopping...

Uh, just a dozen ripe tomatoes.

I am sorry, sir, Army Regulation
40-16: Civilian produce

cannot be transported
in a military vehicle.

It's only a dozen tomatoes.

General Bufkin is
coming for dinner.

We're planning on
making tomato surprise.

I'm sorry, sir, but if we
break one Army regulation,

we weaken them all.

But I've already bought
the tuna fish salad.

Sergeant, I'm putting it
in the form of an order.

Yes, sir.

Will the colonel write an
official letter exonerating me

and the driver
of said vehicle...

One copy to be
left here on file,

one copy to be sent to
13th Army headquarters,

- one copy to...?
- Forget it!

Nell, open up a can of sardines.

Sir, if you wish to
keep me here longer,

may I have a timed
statement from you

stating why I was delayed, the
amount of time I was delayed,

- by whom I was delayed...?
- Never mind!

You may go.

Thank you, sir.

- Hup. Hut. Hut.
- Now, look, Nell...

- John...
- I'm over my head in work, and I just...

- Signature.
- What, another...? This is

- the 19th batch of inventory.
- Colonel Hall.

- Colonel Hall.
- What do you want?!

This just came in, sir.

The motor pool has been
given a triple-A rating.

Oh, goody.

John.

Nell, what is happening to me?

I'm screaming at my people.

Wha-What's wrong with me?

You know, don't you, John?

Bilko.

No, no, don't say it.

You miss... You
miss Bilko, admit it.

After all, after working
with him for eight years,

why, y-you can't get
along without him.

Have him ordered back.

No.

I'll resign from
the service first.

Have him...

All right, come on,
Carpowitz, are you in or out?

Okay, I call you.

What do you got?

Full house.

Oh, that beats me.

I got two pair.

Two pair, and you called me?

I had three of a kind showing.

I was trying to
draw the third ace.

I was trying to
draw the third ace.

There were two aces out already.

Come... Oh, this is too easy.

Aw, come on, our
luck will change.

What luck? Luck has
nothing to do with you pigeons.

I mean, give me a run for
it, make it a little tougher.

- Frame me, stack the cards.
- Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant Bilko, I
want four tickets

for the Come As Your
Secret Ambition Ball.

No more dances for me, please.

- Why? Why no more dances?
- I'm not the USO.

Get somebody else
to run the dance.

No more dances?
But I got this money.

Oh, will you look
at this poor soul?

Look at this pigeon.

He's dying to...

Did you pay five dollars for
my Hello, Autumn Dance?

What did I do for you?

I played you some records

and threw leaves
in your face, right?

Why don't you get wise
to yourselves, suckers?

You're being taken!

Come on, Bilko, take the money.

- Oh, keep it.
- Hey, what's eating him?

Pigeons, pigeons, nothing but...

- Oh...
- Sergeant Bilko,

I just made the collection
on the furlough leave...

- Will you stop following me around?!
- Sir, I got the cash...

Please, please, leave me
alone with your money! Please!

- Sergeant Bilko...
- Enough! Enough!

I'm hemmed in here!
Please, no, my...

At Fort Baxter, at
least it was a challenge.

They tried to hide from me.

I found them, but they
tried to hide from me.

This is, this...

You, get me an application
for a transfer right away.

- A transfer?
- On the double!

But Sarge, Sarge,
what are we gonna do?

What are you gonna...?

Buy defense bonds.

Leave me al... Just keep the...

Go away. Leave me alone.

Suckers.

Request Master
Sergeant E. Bilko,

if he is so
disposed, to return...

You're requesting...?

That's top secret.

I know Bilko.

If he should suspect
that I requested his return,

he'll drive a hard bargain.

Yes?

Bilko? Outside?

- He's here?
- Send him right in.

Oh!

Colonel Hall, I just happened
to be passing by the post.

I thought I'd drop in
for a visit, just to say...

- Came crawling back, eh?
- "Crawling," sir?

Came crawling back
like a whipped dog.

Really, Colonel, your choice
of words, I don't understand it.

I don't know if I will
take you back, uh, Bilko.

Yes, I can understand.

I hear you got a real sharp
sergeant around here now.

Top man... you wouldn't
recognize the motor pool.

Oh, hardly. I passed by there.

None of the diesels
are working, sir.

They will be.

We sent a tracer
through channels.

"Through channels."

Of course, if, uh, you
did want to come back,

uh, you'd have to
agree to my terms.

Colonel does drive
a hard bargain, sir.

No arguments. Yes or no?

Uh, excuse me,
sir, I must get back.

Do you want me to
complete your... your request

for Sergeant Bilko's
transfer back?

Hogan!

Well, Bilko?

Do you want to come back?

Oh, I don't know, sir...

I got a pretty good deal
up there at Camp Jason.

All the dances are going...

Oh, I didn't see any
harm in your dances.

But only on regular holidays.

Well, sir, there's
still the question

of the staff car we
left in the open, sir.

Well, it'll be at my
disposal, not yours.

Well, really, sir, I mean,
after all, when you consider

those errands for
the colonel's wife.

- Those aren't military...
- Bilko, that's blackmail!

Sir, you do jump
to conclusions, sir.

Ser... Sergeant Hogan, uh, tell
my wife I'll be home for dinner.

Yes, sir.

Well, okay, only on Wednesdays.

No, sir, we have to
discuss Saturdays.

- Saturdays are...
- Oh, no, you don't.

I know that taxi service you run

- on Saturday nights.
- You... Sir, there's no taxi.

Oh, yes!

Would I use a vehicle
of the Army property, sir?

- You've got me wrong.
- Listen, now, this is

a military installation...

Sir, it's nice to be back.

Nice to have you back, Ernie.

Let's talk about Saturday!

- Oh, no, you don't!
- I want that car!

Bob Hastings was seen
as Sergeant Baycher,

Hope Sansberry was Mrs. Hall,

and Elisabeth Fraser
played Sergeant Hogan.