The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 18 - Kids in the Trailer - full transcript

Bilko finds out the wife of one of his platoon privates has arrived in town unexpectedly. To help him out Bilko attempts to forge paperwork to allow him to spend more time with his wife.

Well, that about does it.

Hey, Sergeant Bilko, checkout!

We didn't grind the valves.

He'll never know.
It sounds perfect.

Sergeant Bilko, checkout.

Coming!

All right, all
right, look alive!

- I am, I am!
- What is it?

Sign us out, Sergeant Bilko?

All right, let's hear it.

Okay, shut it off.



Nice, huh?

Let's make it nicer.

Grind the valves!

I'm surprised at you,
Private Zimmerman.

You'll never get your
picture in Popular Mechanics.

Look alive. Get on the ball.

O'Brien! O'Brien!

There's a call for you
at the telephone center.

O'Brien, do come back.

Yeah, Sarge.

All right, Rocco, get the men
around here on the double.

All right, you guys,
let's see it here now.

Come on! Fall in on the
double! Come on! Let's go!

Men, this is a gala occasion.



You all know the old platoon

lucky serial number contest
has been going on for some time.

Well, it's over.

The drawing just
took place in my room.

Corporals Barbella and
Henshaw were witnesses.

And you won again.

It's that kind of
remark, Private Mullen,

that's gonna keep you a private.

Corporal Barbella, will you
read the name of the lucky man

who won the three-day pass
and all-expenses-paid vacation

in Crystal Lake for three days?

"Private First Class
Duane Doberman."

I won, I won, I won!

First time I ever won
anything in my life!

Makes you want
to cry, doesn't it?

All right, get your
fishing gear together.

But, Sarge, what
about the grease job?

- Kadowski?
- Yo.

Take over Doberman's grease job.

Right, Sarge.

You lucky dog!

All right, wash up
and get out of here.

Gee, Sarge!

Did you get that
look on his face?

Makes you feel clean inside.

Hey, Sarge, that
call was from my wife.

- Long-distance?
- From Texas?

No, she's right here in town.

That crazy ol' gal
came all the way up here

in her folks' trailer. Brought
the kids along with her.

Where is she?

In a trailer camp
right outside of town.

Hop in. I'll take
you over there.

But, Sarge, I gotta finish
those there brakes on that jeep.

Doberman, take over
O'Brien's brake job.

But Sarge!

You got a three-day
pass, haven't ya?!

Three days and three
nights. Look alive!

Sure, sure.

- Rocco?
- Yo?

- Take over.
- Right!

Okay, let's go!
Let's get out of bed!

- Honey!
- Mike!

Dad!

Darling!

- Betty!
- Oh, Mike!

At ease, soldier! Hiya, Mike.

Where's the rookie?

Over here. He's grown so.

Oh, man, he's sure getting big.

Hiya, bruiser.

- He got another tooth!
- Wow!

Gosh, Mike, we didn't
expect you until...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Honey, here he is,

Sergeant Ernest Bilko.

Hi, Mrs. O'Brien.

Sergeant Bilko, I've heard
so much about you from Mike.

Daddy, says you're the best

crapshooter in the
whole United States Army.

Betty! Really, Sergeant Bilko.

That's all right.
That's all right.

That's our little Betty

and this is Mike, Jr.,
our military expert.

Hi, Mike. Well, hi, Mike.

Daddy says you run the
finest platoon in the Army.

That's true.

Do you use the revised
method on close order drill?

What's close order drill?
What is he talking about?

Don't get him
started on the Army.

Knows every rule in the book.

Say, speaking of the Army,
we better get back to the post.

- Yes. Bye.
- Hey, bye, honey.

But Mike, aren't you gonna
be able to get any time off?

Honey, I told you on the
phone, all passes are out.

I'll get over here
as often as I can.

Bye, kids. Mmm!

Aw, Peg...

I'm sorry. I know
this is silly of me,

but oh, Mike, I've
missed you so much,

and after driving
over 700 miles...

Peg, what you want me to do?

- Why don't you tell her?
- Tell her what?

His sense of humor escapes
me, you know what I mean?

His idea of a big
joke, it's a surprise.

Why don't you tell her

you got a three-day
pass starting tonight?

Three-day pass?

Yeah. He didn't tell ya?

And he's gonna arrange a
vacation up at Crystal Lake.

Mike! Oh, ya big jerk!

Even arranged a WAC

to take care of the
kids while you're gone.

- But Ernie, I...
- "But Ernie, but Ernie."

- So I gave away your surprise. So what?
- But Doberman's pass.

Doberman's Pass...
you gotta go through it

to get to Crystal Lake.

Well, I'm glad you're together,

and I hope you're
gonna drive carefully.

Look, I'll go unpack your stuff

and pack it and
get it over here,

and I'll get the
WAC to baby-sit.

Oh, listen, you
like to go fishing?

Yeah!

I think I can get you some
fishing equipment, too.

Wowee!

You lucky dog, Doberman!

Hey, a three-day
pass, he's going fishing!

Hey, Doberman, didn't
you ever hear about girls?

Watch out! I got a big one!

♪ For he's jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ♪

Please, don't stop.

Just hearing you guys singing

and that happy look
on Doberman's face,

that's just the pickup I need

after what I've
been through today.

O'Brien?

Hmm.

His wife and three kids came
all the way from Texas just to

be with him, and now they
can't get a pass to see him.

No kidding?

No way of getting
him a pass at all?

You know the rules:
one pass to a platoon.

But thank heavens it's gone
to a guy who really deserves it:

good ol' Doberman!

Come on, fellas.

What kind of a going
away party is this?

Let's have gaiety,
let's have laughter.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good... ♪

I just want you
to help me forget

that look on Mrs.
O'Brien's face and the tears

in the blue-eyed
adorable children's eyes

when they find their daddy
can't get a pass to see them.

All the way from Texas.

- It's a crime.
- Yeah.

Men, this is sure gonna
be a sad post around here

with O'Brien cooped
up and his loved ones

on the other side
of the barbed wire,

and he can't be with them.

So near, and yet so far.

Oh, but Doberman,
you'll be out of it, pal!

You'll be up there
on that Crystal Lake

pulling in that
ten-foot trout! Oh!

Guy's got all the luck.

- Yeah.
- Some guys also got no feeling

- for their fellow soldiers.
- Yeah.

First time I ever won
anything in my life.

After his wife drives all the
way from Texas to see him.

Those little kids of his.

Blue eyes, tears filled with...

And crying and unhappy
about their daddy...

Oh, but let's be
happy for Doberman!

He's gonna be in that lake
fishing the way he deserves to.

What are you gonna use for bait?

Worms.

Ah, I tell you,
boys, I'd be gay, too,

if I could just forget the
look on O'Brien's face.

Reminds me of a
prison picture I once saw.

There was a guy in prison
and he wanted to get out

to see his wife and his
kids, and he couldn't, and...

he killed himself.

But let's be gay!

Doberman's gonna have
fun! Fun, Doberman! I...

- All right...
- If just I could forget the look...

Here's the pass...

here are the reservations,
the fishing tackle.

Men...

First time I ever won
anything in my life.

I have seen heroism,

I have seen bravery
on the battlefield,

but this gesture that
this man just made,

I want to tell ya, fellas,
it makes me proud...

The reel, the reel
Doberman, the reel. Yeah.

Makes me proud,
proud in here to know

that this fellow thinks
enough of his fellow soldier

to make this sacrifice.

Makes me proud
to be in the same...

The boots, Doberman, the boots.

Get the... get the...
get the boots off.

And do whatever
Sergeant Hill tells...

Peg, it's only a
three-day pass. Let's go!

- Bye, kids.
- Bye.

- Have a wonderful time.
- I will.

- Come on, honey.
- Don't worry about anything.

Sergeant Bilko... thank you!

Well, I'm sure I
did the right thing.

Doberman would have
never kissed me good-bye.

I could... Hey, hey,
what are you doing?

Taking off your shoes,
like we do for Daddy.

No, no, kids, I got
my boys picking me up

- in a minute in a jeep.
- Tell us a bedtime story.

Bedtime story?

Yes, tell us about what
you did on Kwajalein Island.

That's one of Daddy's favorites.

Oh, you mean when I charged
that Japanese pillbox all by myself?

No, how you had
the foxholes wired

so the men could get
the Belmont race results.

Well, look, pal, I did some
pretty dangerous things, too.

I know. Daddy said you
collected bets under fire.

Can you get these kids to bed?

Sergeant Bilko's right. Come on.

- Off to bed. Off!
- On you go. On the double.

Good night, Daddy. I
mean, Sergeant Bilko.

Off to bed!

Good night. Oh, those kids.

The guys should be along
with the jeep any minute now.

Wow, this is
comfortable, isn't it?

They sure fix these
trailers up pretty slick.

Mmm, it's a regular home.

Oh, it feels great.

The kids in bed?

Mm-hmm. Kids just never
can keep their buttons on.

Sure can't, the little
whippersnappers.

But they're wonderful.

They sure are. You
sure they're in bed?

Mm-hmm.

Say, Ernie... Yes, dear?

Where are those
guys with the jeep?

They should have been
here 20 minutes ago.

All right, where were ya?!

Honest, Ernie, we
looked everywhere!

We asked every WAC
on the post. No dice.

No dice? What? Who? What?

For somebody to take
her place. You're leaving.

Leaving?

Sergeant Hill, your
orders just came through.

You're to report to
Fort Sill immediately.

Oh, my goodness.

You better hurry.
They're tearing the place

upside down looking
for ya. Come on.

I'm sorry. You'll have
to get a replacement.

Oh, and here's the recipe
for the baby's formula.

Formula?!

- Let's go.
- Hey, wait a minute!

You're not gonna
leave me stuck out here

with three kids cut off
from the world, are ya?

Geez, I almost forgot.

Hensh, give him
the walkie-talkie.

Here, Sarge, if you're
in trouble, just call in.

We'll alert Sergeant
Grover at Signal Corps

to keep a channel open.

Coming!

Good luck, Ernie. Good luck.

Hey, fellas, don't...

At ease, at ease.

Rocco?!

Shh!

Well, don't just stand
there... Run for a doctor!

Don't be silly! He
just needs changing.

Changing? You must
have seen your mother do it.

Sorry, I just do
KP in this outfit.

Good night.

Changing?

Here's a clean diaper.

You know how to change a diaper?

I just got out of 'em myself.

Come here! Don't leave me alone!

Hello, Grover?!
It's Sergeant Bilko.

Listen, I'm stuck out here
in a trailer with three kids.

This is desperate.

Look, you know Sergeant King?

Yeah, get in touch with him.
He's married. He's got six kids.

He'll know how to
change a diaper.

Sergeant King? He's gone.

Last I heard of him,

he was at Camp
Underhill in Oklahoma.

You're desperate, huh?

All right, hold on.

I'll see if I can locate him.

Camp Baxter calling
Camp Underhill, Oklahoma.

Sergeant King?

No, he was transferred to
Fort Bigelow, New Jersey.

What?

A soldier's kid in trouble?

Hang on.

What? Sergeant King?

Nah, he was just here
awaiting shipment overseas.

He's with 21st Regiment...
Berlin, Germany.

What? Hold it!

Trenton... TWX, overseas line.

Communications
Center, Berlin, Germany.

Emergency!

Communications Center, Berlin.

Come in, Trenton.

Who?

Sergeant King?

No, he's home.

He lives on Koenigstrasse
near... What?

Oh, right away.

Operator...

Sergeant King.

What?

Kid in Kansas?

Change a diaper?

What...?

Okay, wait. I'll call my wife.

Hold on, Bilko.

They're waking up his
wife. Help is on the way.

Baby in Kansas
needs a diaper change?

- I never heard of such a thing.
- Just tell him how to change it

so the whole Army
can get some sleep.

Hello?

Well, he'll need a diaper,
pins and talcum powder.

A fresh diaper, some pins
and some talcum powder.

Diaper, pins, talcum powder.

Diaper, pins and talcum powder.

Bilko, you need a fresh
diaper, pins and talcum powder.

Take apex of triangle,
have all flanks meet.

Go ahead, got it.

All flanks together.

What? Pin. Pin, pin, pin, pin.

Got the pin.

Oh, connect triangle.
All right, wait a minute.

All right, triangle completed.

Okay, go on. What?

What? That's all?

The baby is diapered?

Thank you, Grover.

The baby's diapered.

Baby's diapered.

All right, Mrs. King, you
can go back to bed now.

Good night.

I didn't know Bilko was married.

Will you come back to bed?

Bilko?

Oh, not again.

What? Wake up Rocco and Henshaw

and send them
over there in a jeep?

Bilko, are you out of your mind?

Bringing kids
into the barracks...

You'll get life!

What are they doing, getting
you up at 2:00 in the morning now?

- What is this, a fire drill?
- Hey, what's going on here?

Oh, it's a kid.

What's a kid doing
in the barracks?

Hey, Sarge, what's going on?

Guys... you never saw
a small draftee before?

Take it easy.

Small draftee? Well,
he's a small draftee!

Hello.

Where is she? Where is she?

- Hey, Sarge, what's going on?
- Two kids in the barracks?

A small WAC. Relax.

Freeze, freeze.

All right, now you know.

Those are O'Brien's
kids in there.

- O'Brien...? - - Shh. Quiet.

You brought O'Brien's kids here?

Now here's the layout...
We got to keep 'em hidden

till I can find somebody
to watch over them.

Now here's what I'll do...
If you'll all cooperate...

Roll call.

- Doberman.
- Yo.

- Gander. Galinka...
- Here. -Here.

- Paparelli. Kadowski...
- Present. -Yo.

- Zimmerman. Thomas...
- Here. -Yo.

All present and
accounted for, sir.

That'll be all.

What was that?

It's Corporal Barbella homesick.

Oh, that's too bad.
I'm sorry to hear that.

Lieutenant, this thing
at the motor pool,

there's two trucks.

I told the boys to get
rid of the small one.

Get rid of the small one.

I told them to get rid of
the small one, the small...

Well, that's something

you'll have to decide
for yourself, Bilko.

Hey, where is
she?! Where is she?!

"Where is she?"

Uh, dialect... he
never could get rid of it.

"Where is she, where i...?"

Here she is-a.

Oh, here-a she is-a, Lieutenant.

- Here-a she is.
- Oh!

Well, thank you.

Oh, uh, Corporal, I
know just how you feel.

I get homesick myself.

What's he talking about?

Never mind.

"Where is she, where is she?"

Watch that.

Even a lieutenant
could get wise to you.

Well, where is she?

Who... where's... Betty? Betty?

Now, look, honey... now, listen.

You got to stay as
quiet as a mouse.

But, Sergeant Bilko, I
want someone to play with.

Freeze, freeze.

Private Doberman,
front and center.

Play with her.

But Sarge.

That's an order.

Tag... you're it.

After her. On the double.

Now look, men, here's
what we got to do...

You listen to me, we'll
get out of this all right.

Attaboy, Doberman.

Attaboy.

Here's what we do...

We can arrange this
thing if we all cooperate.

Now, at the motor pool, who
takes charge of the small parts?

Okay, you're taking
care of the baby.

Now, look, here's the formula.

Get down to Mess Sergeant Sowici

and have him make
up this formula.

Now listen, you guys,
this will all work out if...

Sergeant Bilko...

What's the matter with
you, kid? You crazy?

Don't flash a gun around here.

You'll have them
surrendering to each other.

All right, you
commandos, back in line.

On the double.

Sergeant, who are these men?

You don't know?

- This is your daddy's platoon.
- My...?

Company "B," Third
Platoon, motor pool detail.

My daddy's platoon?

Yes, sir.

These... What's the matter, son?

My daddy said he was in
the best platoon in the Army.

Look at them.

Well, look, kid, you
got to understand...

These are not parade soldiers.

This is a motor pool detail.

Gee, you can't...

Can I dismiss
them for breakfast?

Breakfast? You mean before
you inspect their barracks?

Why don't you read comic
books like the other kids?

I'm sorry.

You know, the kid may be right.

Some... Fender,
just noticing you.

Is that a camouflage
outfit you got on?

Baseball hat, Hawaiian shirt,
O.D. pants, tennis shoes?

How long you been wearing that?

11 years.

11 years.

Well, it's lucky I
caught it in time.

Get on the ball, Fender.

- Hey, listen, Henshaw.
- Yo.

Check on that formula,
okay? I'll go and find a WAC

- to baby-sit with the kids.
- Right, Sarge.

The kid's right...
We're a bunch of slobs.

Come on, mops and pails.
Let's get this pigpen clean.

Come on, let's do something.

Now don't put in too much.

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

The recipe says only six ounces.

I'm... six ounces...
That's what I'm doing.

Looks all right, don't it?

Looks like too much to me.

Hey, Sarge, it's time
to start the beef stew.

The beef stew can wait.

I got to make this
formula for O'Brien's baby.

But Sarge, we've
been waiting since 9:00.

Look, this ain't
chipped beef on toast.

This takes time.

Eh... that don't look so good.

Let's start all over again.

Now, now look, you got
to put in eight ounces.

See, measure it.

Measure, measure.

What am I supposed
to do? I'm an Army cook.

I never worked
with ounces before.

Gallons, yes. Pails full,
shovels full... that I know.

For a thousand
men, I know exactly,

but for one baby...

Ounces, who ever
heard of oun...?

Sarge, we gotta start the stew.

Listen, you, give me that pail.

Sarge, what are you going to do?

Cancel the stew. The
whole camp is eating formula.

You think I'd be able to
find one WAC to help us...

Oh, excuse me.
How do you like that?

Eight years on this post, I
walk into the wrong barracks.

Excuse me, fellas.

Hey, Ernie, this
is our barracks.

What are you talking...?
It can't be our barracks.

It smells so nice. Look
at those clean bunks.

These must be OCS...

Kadowski?

Kadowski!

Hey, dig this one.

Who, who, who's
it, who who, who?

Gander.

Gander!

This is, uh... Don't
tell me, don't tell me.

Um, Mullen, right?

Ha-ha! This is great.

This one I never
saw before in my life.

I'm Fender, Sarge.

Fender!

Isn't this tremendous.

A real grabber, isn't it?

Oh, guys, you couldn't
have made me more proud.

This is wonderful.

Ten-shun!

Eyes right.

Ready, eyes front.

Parade rest.

Great. Get that kid,
and I'll really show him.

Look, fellas, like
we did in Guam.

In three cadence, remember?

We drove the Air
Corps crazy, remember?

Arch your back.

Son, I want you to
meet the members

of your father's platoon.

Gosh, Sergeant
Bilko, Daddy didn't lie.

It is the best
platoon in the Army.

Yes, sirree.

Can I go out and
watch them march?

No, no, no. You got to
stay hidden, don't you see?

Your daddy... if they see you,

they'll know your daddy's
got Doberman's pass.

You mean my father is AWOL?

Absent without official leave?

Just technically.

Where are you? Where are you?

Oh, listen, where's her
playmate? Where's Dober...?

Come here.

- Here he is. Okay.
- There you are.

- Now you're it, Doberman.
- Yeah, that's right.

But, Sarge, my feet.

Go after her. On the double.

- Here we go, go, go.
- There you go. Hup, hup, hup.

Men, I'm really proud of you.

Come on, you remember
the drill in cadence?

Remember we drove
them crazy in Guam?

The Air Corps
was envious, right?

You don't remember, huh?

A child to see me?

Here at the post?

Well, send him in.

Colonel Hall?

Yes.

I wish to report a deserter.

A deserter?

My own father.

Well, I don't understand.

You see, Sergeant Bilko...

Bilko? Now I understand.

Let's go.

First command, stiff,
brace. That's the first...

- Where is he?
- What?

- Where is he?! Where's the kid?!
- The kid?

- Where's the kid?
- Where's the kid?!

Go look for him.

Will you get on the
ball, all you guys?

And, Henshaw, I want you
to go all over the base, and...

Listen, can you find the
kid? He looks about like...

Attention!

- Sergeant Bilko.
- Colonel Hall.

This is heartwarming.

The whole platoon
in class-A uniforms,

when they should be in fatigues.

I just dropped by to check.

Beds made, barracks
clean, everything shipshape.

Sir, I'd like to
explain about...

I know... small WAC.

I know... Corporal
Barbella is still homesick.

Doberman!

Bilko, in 24 hours, you've
broken almost every rule

in the Army regulations.

So what difference does it
make if I break one more?

I'm permitting a woman
to enter the barracks.

- A woman?
- Nell.

Jack, where are they?
Where are the children?

Here's one.

Well, where are the others?

Bilko, I know the whole story.

- Anderson.
- Yes, sir.

Give Private Doberman
his three-day pass.

Thank you, sir.

Good fishing, Doberman.

Jack, they are adorable.

Bilko, when O'Brien gets back,

he can pick up his
family at my quarters.

That's if he can get
them back from my wife.

- Your wife's a fine...
- Bilko!

Don't... don't ever
let this happen again.

Holy smokes.

- Oh, easy, Sergeant.
- How you feeling?

- I can't take much more of this.
- Take it easy.

Look at me,
fellas, I'm all shot.

- Sarge...
- Two days, two nights without sleep.

Sarge, you got to get
away for a couple of days.

I need a rest, I need a rest.

How? There's no more passes.

- No more passes.
- Doberman has got one.

Doberman has got a pass?

No, that's his pass, I couldn't.

Oh, I'm... I don't care
what happens to me.

A sergeant's got to
give his life for his men.

- My heart...
- Sarge.

I don't think I can
stand... My heart...

- Easy...
- If I don't get a rest...

It's in here, in here.

Oh, I can't. I-I...

No, no, Doberman, you
belong out there on Crystal Lake.

No, Doberman, I couldn't.
I couldn't take this...

Doberman was played
by Maurice Gosfield,

Zimmerman by Mickey Freeman.

Paparelli was
played by Billy Sands.