The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Reunion - full transcript

Look at me... guard duty again
tonight down at the main gate.

Who's going to
steal the main gate?

Hey, boys, get this.

- What is it?
- This is serious.

"Permission granted for
ten days leave of absence

to Master Sergeant
Ernest Bilko."

Bilko going on a furlough?

He's broke.

Here we go again.

Gentlemen, I wish to
announce the beginning

of National Hide
Your Money Week.



Remember the last time
Bilko went on furlough?

He squeezed every nickel
out of this platoon, remember?

No, no, no, I tell you, no.

I can't spare another
truck, and that's final.

How am I going to get my
platoon back to the barracks

from the rifle range?

The Army has a new
mode of transportation.

Did you hear about it?

Feet.

- Wise guy.
- Oh, on the double.

Hey, what's the... here.

Formation, on the
double, hee-yah, line up.

Ever-Everybody, look alive!

Excuse me, gentlemen, I'll
only take a minute of your time.



I wish to discuss the
motor pool and the work...

Work.

Now, look, men, I don't
ask you to kill yourself,

but every once in a
while, move a little.

In case an officer walks by,

he won't mistake
it for a painting.

And Zimmerman...

didn't get those brake drums
on the half-trucks yet, did you?

- Well, you know, Sarge...
- Oh, I know.

You've been too busy
washing officers' private cars

at a buck a throw, right?

- Well, Sarge...
- Get into those fatigues,

down to the motor pool,
get those brake drums,

and out of here!

There's been a lot of
goofing off going around here.

This has got to stop!

Day sheet in yet?

Yo.

Paparelli, you draw
guard duty tonight.

I know.

What's this?

"Permission... Ten
days leave granted to..."

Oh, when it comes to
asking for a furlough,

they're right on the ball.

Let's see which
meathead this is.

"Ten days leave granted
to Sergeant Ernest Bilko."

I got it!

- I got it!
- Hey, ten days!

Wait, I can be out of here
tomorrow morning, in Chicago,

and outside of her dressing...

Hey, come on, fellas,
I'm a little, you know...

- Sarge, I'm tapped out.
- Me, too.

What a time.

Men, freeze.

Freeze, you heroes.

Men, I may have seemed
a little harsh with you.

It's only because I
was mad at myself

for forgetting to tell you the
new thing I thought up for you.

It's only a buck a throw... My
new snack-in-the-sack raffle.

Snack-in-the-sack raffle?

What's that?

Just what it says.

The guy who wins
gets his breakfast served

in bed for ten days.

How about it, boys?

- But Sarge, we're broke.
- Busted, not a dime.

It's a miracle how this platoon
is always broke at the same...

Zimmerman, on the
double, right here.

Yeah, but Sarge, you
told me... Right here.

Now, Herman, you're not going
to take me serious all the time,

are you?

I want this.

I want these deadheads
to look at a real live wire.

This boy's not
broke all the time.

Why? 'Cause he's on the
hustle, he thinks up things,

washes officers'
cars at a buck a throw.

He's all right.

How much did you make, Herman?

Not a dime.

Honest, Sarge, they all owe me.

Listen, right next to
Zimmerman's name, put "KEOZ."

I'll know what it means...
"Keep Eye On Zimmerman."

All right, dismissed.

Hey, Sarge, I got a
couple letters for you.

Oh, those finance
companies must have radar.

What's this?

Oh, this is a joker.

This is addressed to
the house I used to live in

way before the war,
when I was still a civilian.

Hey, Sarge, maybe
you've been drafted, huh?

It's a little late for
that, don't you think?

Oh, no.

Ten years.

What is it, Ernie?

It's just not possible.

Ten years.

Hey, Ernie, come on
back to us Earth people.

The squad I led in WWII... Way
before I even met you guys...

They're having a reunion.

A reunion?

Yeah, I forgot all about it.

You see, we were pinned
down on a beach in the Marianas,

and we swore if we
ever got out of it alive,

we were going to meet
ten years from that day

for the biggest, fanciest
banquet at the Waldorf-Astoria.

The Waldorf-Astoria?

Man, what a crazy barrack.

Oh, what a bunch of
deadbeats they were.

Wait a second, wait, hold this.

I got a picture of 'em
in here someplace.

Get a load of that.

That's me holding the flag.

Let's see.

Ernie, hair?

Hey, Hensh, look at all
that hair... a regular mop.

Wasn't I a thing of beauty?

Squad Leader Private
First Class Ernest Bilko.

A PFC, huh?

Hey, wait till they see
you with all them stripes.

Master Sergeant Bilko.

Oh, boy, they'll really flip.

Who ever thought I'd wind
up with more stripes than hair?

Oh, what a bunch of characters.

Look, this guy right here.

Oh... look at the
end... the end...

Meathead.

He used to be a truck
driver before the war.

To get him to move,
I had to honk a horn.

This is a beauty right here.

Goof-off Gunther was his name.

He was a busboy before the war.

Used to open K ration
boxes looking for tips...

This is a real
beauty, a hillbilly...

Zeke "Ozark" Rutlege...

The only man in the
Army wore suspenders.

Oh, they were beautiful.

How did those meatballs
ever get along in civilian life

without you to watch
over 'em, Sarge?

Oh, I shudder to think about it.

Ah, those poor jerks...
Probably going in hock

to get to that
reunion in New York.

Hey, Ernie, the
reunion's tomorrow night.

You'd better start packing.

- Packing...
- Got an idea.

You can hitch a ride down at
the air base in one of them B-29s

on the way to Mitchell
Field in New York.

Forget about it.

Those reunions
are for the birds.

- But Sarge, you got to go.
- What, what, b-but Sarge,

but what, what?

I'm a master sergeant, and I
got to go like a master sergeant.

That means a
suite at the Waldorf,

maybe pick up the
tab for those meatballs.

Where am I going to get
the money... sell a tank?

Hey, Bilko, I got
another breakdown.

Another breakdown?

You can't move without me.

Look, if you can't get
me a truck that works,

get me a mule.

I'll do better than that;
I'll put a harness on you.

Get out of here.

He don't want to go to
that reunion, does he?

Not much, he don't.

Man, wouldn't he like
to walk in on them guys

flashing them six
stripes of his, huh?

With that room at
the Waldorf, huh?

Show he's still the top
guy in the outfit, huh?

What a night that would be.

Listen, Hensh, I got an idea.

There's money in this platoon,
only it went underground.

We're going to dig it
up. Give me that picture.

Look, you go tell
the other top kicks

in the outfit what we need.

- On the double.
- Yo.

All right, boys, I
want to talk to you

right here, on the double,
let's go, everyone...

Look at that picture again.

Look at all that hair.

And every hair that's gone is
from worrying about you guys,

this whole platoon.

Every single hair gone,

one by one, from worrying...

Worrying about
getting you passes,

worrying about
protecting your rights.

And now, for the
first time in ten years,

when he's got a chance
to prove to his old buddies

that he's a success,
a master sergeant,

he can't go to that reunion.

Why?

Because his own platoon is
too cheap to raise a few meas...

Corporal Henshaw,
do not beg them.

Let them search their own soul.

Just remember him
with this head of hair,

gone from worrying.

'Cause he's the
kind of a sergeant

that worries about
his men day and night.

All we're asking is
a measly few bucks.

- Now, look, come on now.
- Come on...

- You got a couple of bucks.
- I tell you no!

I can't spare another truck!

But I need another truck.

This is an emergency.

Call the Automobile Club.

Very funny.

The garbage is piling
up behind my kitchens.

What am I going to do?

Learn to cook; you won't
have so much garbage.

Why don't you turn blue?

Oh, knock it off.

Hey...

Well, this is a gay
little sorority meeting.

Mother Bilko's little
chickens got nothing to do?

Hey, Sowici, hold it.

You may have some extra
guys for KP any minute now.

Now, listen, you meatheads...

Ernie, Ernie, I was just giving
'em tomorrow's work detail.

Work detail?

Corporal Barbella,
you're a dreamer.

Now, look, you guys, you got to
get on the ball. You understand?

I want guys that
want to soldier.

You soldier for me,

I'll interfere with
the old man for you.

I-I... What is that?

I cannot... You making
faces behind me?

What are you doing?

Now, look, if you guy...

You know, Sergeant,
some of the officers paid me

for washing their
car, and I figured

if you're still running the
snack-in-the-sack raffle,

can I have a
couple of shots at it?

Me, too.

Yeah, me, too, Sarge.

Two tickets for the next dance.

- Put me down for the motor pool.
- Two tickets.

All right, is this the suite?

Yes, sir, the adjoining
room is right through there.

Is that all the flowers
they got up here?

- Oh, I'll get some more, sir.
- Oh, never mind, we'll rough it.

Hello, get me the main desk.

All right, get that
champagne spread out,

get those cigars laid out...

Hello, main desk.

Uh, look, there may be some poor
souls wandering around the lobby

looking for Squad "B" reunion...
"B," "B" like in "Bilko," yeah.

- Send 'em up to suite, uh...
- 32C.

32C on the double, look
alive, hey... all right, good-bye!

- You got the champagne out there?
- Yes, sir.

- You got the cigars?
- Yes, sir.

Now, you boys have
done a darn good job.

Uh, uh... what's
your number again?

- Uh, 43, sir.
- 43.

- Your number?
- 27, sir.

27. You take care of me,
I'm gonna take care of you.

You boys may be
used to deadbeats

but not in this corner.

You're in good shape,
I'm taking good ca...

On the double, walk, hup, hup!

Here we go, hup, hup!

All right, now, look.

Big doings tonight, eh, sir?

We're going to have a big-time
reunion... my old squad coming.

- Yes...
- These poor souls never lived before,

like I'm going to show 'em.

- Look, uh...
- Yes, sir.

No reason why I can't
shack 'em up here.

No use in them getting a room.

What the management don't
know won't hurt 'em, you know?

Get that stuff out of
the bag, will you, kid?

Yes, sir.

I tell you what I
have to have done.

A lot of things have
to be done real quick.

You're doing a good job, kid.

- You got change of 20?
- Oh, yes, sir.

What's your number again?

- 82.
- 82.

I put your number
ahead of the other guys.

- Thank you, sir.
- I like the way you work.

All right, let me look at
that robe a minute, will you?

Get this polished while
you're down there, too.

This may be a little
gaudy for the Waldorf,

but in certain sections of
Manila, may I tell you...?

Hey, look, kid, uh, where's
the latri... uh, the shower?

Right over there, sir.

Be a little indecent,
showering alone.

You're all right.

- Did I get your number?
- 82.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, I want this suit pressed.

I want those creases
you can cut butter with.

I'll do it right away.

Wait, hold it, this
is the important...

See these stripes?

When you steam
it, don't get 'em up.

You know what I mean?

- Keep 'em nice and shiny.
- I certainly w...

Six stripes?

Well, you're a master sergeant.

How do you know?
Were you in the service?

Oh, yes, sir, I
was a lieutenant.

All right, get that stuff ready.

Will you, sir?

Right, Sergeant.

Air Force.

Uh...

I wonder if a bubble
bath would be overdoing it.

Well...

Coming, coming.

Oh, you're the valet.

- Look, here's what I want to...
- Valet? Ernie.

- You're, uh...
- Morgan.

Meathead! Hey! How
are you?! Son of a gun!

Hey, you want to see
the rest of the gang?

- Are they here?
- Right down the hall.

- Hey, gang, here he is.
- Bissel!

- Ernie.
- You're, uh...

Gunther, Joe Gunther.

Goof-off!

Come on in.

What do you think of
your old squad, huh?

I hate to admit it...
You look almost human.

Pass the glasses around.

Listen, you want some cigars?

Anything you want.

Here you are, pappy.

Say, pretty classy,
pretty classy here.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I was going to get a whole floor,

but some maharaja beat me to it.

Doing all right for a PFC, boy.

PFC? Look alive, Tubby.

That was ten years ago.

A lot of things must happen,
you know, in ten years.

Hey, hey, if you're not
used to it, that's champagne.

Take it easy.

Yes, I'll, uh, I'll
have to go easy.

I've got a big day at
the office tomorrow.

Office?

Working at an office, huh?

Good boy.

Gave up driving a truck, huh?

Sure, he's got his own
company... Morgan Truck Lines.

Morgan Truck Lines?

Mm-hmm.

That big
transcontinental outfit?

Yeah, ha-ha, that's me.

- Good boy, Meathead.
- Ah, if I could do it,

you must be worth a million.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

Have a little more champagne.

That's a boy.

You worked pretty hard
waiting on tables all day.

I'm taking care of you here.

How do you like him?

He still remembers me
when I was a busboy.

Yeah... he-he-he's
way up there now, Bilk.

Oh, really, made waiter, huh?

Good boy.

Lean back, take it easy.

I'm gonna take good
care of you, pappy.

That's all he does all day...

Sit back, counting the
receipts of his 200 restaurants.

- Yeah, yeah.
- 200 restaurants?

Yeah, G & G Sandwich Shops.

- That's right. -G & G?
- Yeah.

- That's his?
- Yeah.

I eat there all the time.

That is, when I'm not too
busy eating at Toots Shor's

or Stork Club.

Hey, listen, you poor
souls, no use renting a room.

You three guys can stay
with me here, all right?

Well, thanks, Bilko. My
company keeps a suite here

all year round, in
case of emergency.

Keeps a suite here?

Pretty big outfit, huh?

Yeah, it's his outfit...
Rutlege Cotton Mills.

- Cotton mills?
- Yeah.

Well, hey, Tubb,

you can shack up with me here.

You don't have to rent a room.

Well, I got my own apartment

right around the
corner on Park Avenue.

- Park Avenue?
- Yeah.

Where else would a
Park Avenue doctor live?

- Doctor?
- Yeah.

Why, this poor soul
couldn't open a can of rations

without cutting his finger.

Doctor, huh?

Good boy.

What are you doing, Bissel?

Insurance.

Door-to-door?

No, he's chairman of the board.

Chairman?

It figures.

Say, you guys
are doing all right.

Now, Bilk, we have to...

You know, Bilk, it takes a
lot of angling and finagling

to make a success of
yourself in the world today.

Of course, we spent three years
training under you... the master.

Master? How'd you
find out I was a master?

Master finagler!

Oh, right.

Drink up, boys.

Ernie, uh, what
have you been doing

since you got out of the Army?

I'm with some outfit.
Come on, drink up.

Oh, come on,
come on, now, Ernie.

- What are you doing?
- Well, it's a big outfit... big.

If I mention the name,
you'd know it right away.

What outfit?

What difference does it make?

I'm doing all right. Believe me.

Secret, huh?

Well, in a way, it
has to be, yeah.

I got it... government work.

You could call it that. Yeah.

You got a contract
with the government.

For four years.

- Four years?
- Whoa.

I got a six months' contract.

Then comes cancellations
and changes in specifications.

- How do you do it?
- Very simple.

When the four years
is up, I simply reen...

uh, renegotiate.

They're only too glad
to do business with me.

I'll get it.

- Your uniform, Sergeant.
- Take it back.

It's a sloppy job.
Do it over again.

Sloppy? Look at the
way those stripes shine.

Well, press them some more.

- You're all right, kid.
- Thank you.

- What was your number again?
- 82.

- I'm writing it down real big.
- Thank you.

- Come on, fellas. Let's get moving.
- Hey, hold it.

- Where are you guys going?
- We're going to change.

- Change for what?
- Get dressed for dinner.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What
are we going to wear,

- tux or full dress?
- Just tuxedo.

Doesn't matter. I brought both.

Both?

Boys, we're traveling
in fast company again.

- Yeah, too fast for a hillbilly like me.
- See you later.

I'm going to have
to rent a tuxedo.

Rent a tuxedo!

Oh, there's got to be a
peasant in every outfit.

He's never changed, has he?

Good old... "Rent a tuxedo."

That's laughable, isn't it?

Take care. I'll see you later.

"Rent a tuxedo."

Who do I call about
renting a tuxedo?

Hello. Sergeant...
uh, Mr. Bilko's room.

Long distance where?

Roseville, Kansas? Fort Baxter?

Tell them I'm not, uh...

All right, put them on.

Hey, Sarge, we just called
to see how you're doing.

Hey, did you see
your old squad yet?

Hey, what did they say when
they seen you with all them stripes?

A master sergeant, huh?

They really flipped, huh?

Hey, wait a minute.
Henshaw wants to say hello.

Hey, I was next!

By rank, Doberman. By rank.

Hey, Sarge.

Having a ball, huh?

Did those meatballs ever figure

on you coming
in with six stripes?

Knocked them over, huh?

I went over big, yeah.

I had the suit pressed and
everything, all real sharp.

Yeah. Big, big.

Hello, Sarge, Rocco again.

Listen, the motor
pool is in great shape,

so just relax and have a ball.

Hey, Sarge, they
really flipped, huh?

Look, this is costing
you guys a fortune.

You better hang up.
I'll be seeing you soon.

Take care of yourself.
Give my best to the gang.

So long, Rocco.

- John.
- Please, Mary.

You lied to me.

You told me you were a banker,

and now I find out
you're a plumber.

- Mary!
- No, John.

I cannot marry an impostor.

CBS Television
presents You Are There.

Tonight, we bring you
one of the dark pages

of American history: the
story of Benedict Arnold.

This once-respected
American soldier

who disgraced his
uniform lived to regret it.

♪♪

Look, fellas, I...
I'm just wearing it.

You remember when he tried

to teach the natives
how to play gin rummy?

He wound up with all the
coconuts on that island.

Where is Bilko?

Almost time for chow.

"Chow"... get him.

Yeah, how do you like that?

- How G.I. can you get?
- Are you still in?

Hey, fellas. Hey,
hey, hey, look.

Hey, he's for real!

Oh, you son of a gun!

I'll bet I'd still be a
private if I was in there.

Bilko in the Army... I'm going
to sell my defense bonds.

Bilko, are any of your
men as dumb as we were?

That would be impossible.

Well, what are we
standing around for?

I've been waiting for ten
years for this. Let's eat.

All right.

I want to get some of
that Waldorf pressed duck.

- I hear it's real...
- Pressed duck?

- Yeah. -Excuse me.
- Ooh.

They press it by
hand with pleats.

Come on. Let's eat.

Okay, waiter, dessert!

What's the matter with you guys?

What, are you folding already?

Is this the squad I
led that took Hill 405?

405? That was
to the right of us.

- We took Hill 406.
- That wasn't 406.

That was a Japanese
pillbox on the right of us.

Ah, you're all wrong.

Please, please, it was Hill 405.

- I'll show you how...
- 406!

You're nuts. Now, wait a second.

- Move the battlefield back.
- Okay.

Let's clear the whole table.

Very simple... If you'll
just pay attention,

I'll revive the
whole thing right.

Now, watch... here.

That was the beach, right?

- Right.
- Okay.

This was Hill 405 right here.

I'll tell you why. Zeke...

All right, this was zero hour.

This is the way it went.

Everybody in posi...
Gunther, in position?

- Right, sir.
- All right.

What are you doing there?
You're with the artillery.

- Get over there, Tubby!
- All right, all right.

Morgan, get behind the foxhole.

Zeke, you got the
bazookas ready?

- All set, all set.
- Now... wait a minute.

Then there came
that air... air raid!

- Air raid!
- Get in position.

You got him!

All right. All right.

Set your watches. Synchronize.

Take cover.

Squad charge!

♪ For it's hi! hi! hee! ♪

♪ In the field artillery ♪

♪ Sing out the numbers
loud and strong ♪

♪ Two, three, four! ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight. ♪

Oh, Ernie, I ain't never
going to let you go again.

Sure, sure, sure.

I'm going to take
you into my business.

In one year, it'll
belong to me, pal.

Come on, you
dogfaces, let's hear it.

♪ Hi! hi! hee! ♪

♪ In the field artillery... ♪

Roll call.

Doberman, Anderson, Dober...

All right, all right, all right.

Good morning, sir.

Take it easy, will you?

Just plug them in there.

- Good morning, Ernie.
- What is this?

Come on, Ernie.
We've got work to do.

What are you doing, taking bets?

Transfer all of
Mr. Morgan's calls up here...

I hope you don't think
I was kidding last night.

- You're working for me.
- Oh, come on, come on, you were

- high last night.
- Oh, not that high.

I didn't get where I am today
by being high and making gaiety.

I find that you're one of
the top motor pool sergeants

in the whole Army,
and if you can unsnarl

one-tenth of the
jams that we get into,

you're worth twice the $10,000
a year that I'm giving you.

$10,000 a year?

Fine. Do that.

What are you talking about?

Ed Houlihan in Cleveland.

Oh, Houlihan again. Yeah.

All right, now, look,
Houlihan, get this straight.

I don't want 22 trailer trucks
laying dead all over the road.

What? You're waiting
for some chain drive parts

- to get down from Seattle?
- Let me tell him. Let...

What?

Just a minute. What
are you talking about?

Hold on, hold on, just a
minute. You in Cleveland?

- That's right.
- What kind of chains you using?

90-X ten-ton stress chains?

- That's right.
- Well, get on the ball.

The Army gets their chains

from a little firm right
outside of Cleveland... Parma.

- Parma?
- Little town... yes.

Name of the firm is
Morton Stamp & Company.

Get on the ball. What are
you holding up those...?

- Look alive out there! Get moving!
- See what I mean, Ernie?

You see what I mean? I need you.

This is too much
for Parker and me.

- Wait a minute.
- We can't do it.

- It's too much.
- I'm in the Army! I'm in the Army!

You're in the Army.
I'll take care of that.

You've got a hitch
that's up any minute.

Hello? What?

Oh, my...!

A jam in Los Angeles.

- Let me...
- No hydraulic fluid

- for the platform lifts.
- This is ridiculous.

You guys are making me laugh.

You call yourself
truck operators.

- What's your dram, hydraulic fluid?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, what are you driving, diesels?
- That's right.

Well, you simply drain the lube
fluid out of the hitch gearbox,

transfer it to the
hydraulic lifts.

Look alive!

Stop jamming up
the works out here!

Get going!

- $10,000 a year?
- Oh, $10,000.

That's nothing. That's
just the beginning.

You're worth a fortune to me.

- Hello, hello!
- I'm calling about the Dawson figures.

What?!

Dawson figures... I have
to have 'em right away.

I got to get downstairs
and sign some papers.

Go to it!

The Dawson figures. What
about the Dawson figures?

All right.

Dawson figures, what Dawson
figures you talking about?

Oh, right here.

You're carrying 12,856...

Peoria? What kind
of a load you carrying?

Kumquats?! You
better get moving!

Yes! Get those things to...!

What about the reloads?

The reloads are 900 and 400.

That's it... 900 and 400, 1,300.

- Right.
- All right, look alive out there.

Give me one of those phones.

What are you guys...?
The dispatcher from where?

- Right there.
- Toledo? I'm rerouting your run.

I got the Cleveland
guys all fixed up.

They got their chains fixed.
They'll be on your route.

You're a caravan of 23
trucks. Get moving, look alive.

- I've got to get ahold of Mr. Morgan.
- All right,

all right, all right, all right!

- Hello, what are you?
- Where's Gomez?

- Where's who?
- Gomez.

Gomez who? What area?

- Gomez.
- San Diego... just a minute.

I don't know where Gomez is.

Call the hospital. Hello.

- This is Gomez.
- Gomez, they're looking all over for you.

Get...
- Well, my wife's having a baby.

- We had to go to the hospital.
- Your wife's having a baby?

- Listen, Gomez.
- Yeah.

Take a vacation.

Hello.

Listen, the Toledo
run is moving.

I got the wrong... Wait a
second, hold on a minute.

Watch out for those
Dawson figures!

Just hold it a minute.

What am I doing?

Here, here, wait a minute, here.

Listen, you jerks,
talk to each other.

Attention!

All right, now let's
straighten this out.

Zimmerman, you and
Paparelli got guard duty.

You're nuts. Bilko
never put two on, two off.

Men, it's good to be back again.

Now, uh, what's the trouble?

Morgan was played
by Horace McMahon.