The Phil Silvers Show (1955–1959): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Twitch - full transcript

Now, Colonel, I've been
on a good many Army posts,

and these waves of gambling

among the enlisted
men come and go.

Well, it comes here with a
certain sergeant named Bilko.

He's about to go on a
furlough and needs money.

Well, there's bound to be a
certain amount of gambling...

A certain amount, yes,

but here, they've bet
on everything now.

On whether it's
going to rain or not.

On what I'm going
to have for breakfast.

I can't even eat.



I look at an egg,
and I see Bilko

collecting money from someone
who had me down for pancakes.

Send in Corporal Barbella.

He's one of Bilko's
henchmen who got careless.

I'm cracking down.

Corporal Barbella
reporting, sir.

Corporal, I realize
that you're just a tool

in the hands of a mastermind.

Sergeant Bilko had
nothing to do with this...

I didn't mention any names.

I suppose you know
why you're here, Corporal.

Yes, sir. I was caught
shooting craps after lights-out.

Shooting craps after lights-out?

A Bilko invention...
Luminous dice.



Corporal, I want you to take
word back to Bilko's barracks,

otherwise known
as "Little Las Vegas,"

that I'm getting fed up
and I'm cracking down.

Yes, sir.

Good heavens, what was that?

Oh, Signal Corps
carrier pigeons.

Uh, thank... thank
heavens for them.

It's the only thing
that I've been able

to get the men interested
in that's worthwhile.

They fly them to
Camp Crofter and back.

Oh, excellent, excellent.

Very relaxing, sir.

You'll have 15 days to relax.

15 days, sir?

I am restricting you
to post for 15 days.

Yes, sir.

Well, Captain, I
suppose you have

the general idea of
what our problem is.

Yes, uh, the general idea,
and somehow, how to solve it.

You can stop this gambling?

Well, let's face it, Colonel...

This is a service
ins... installation,

and it just hasn't any
recreational facilities.

Why, there's not even a
morale officer on the post.

We had one.

He came down with melancholia.

Well, Colonel, uh, it's
up to the officers to see

that the men get
interested in something else.

Something more cultural
like, uh, music and poetry.

Captain, you're
new at Fort Baxter.

- My men are not interested in...
- Now, I know, I know,

but fortunately, my wife
Gloria and I have had

quite a good deal of
experience in this kind of work.

All right.

I'll call an emergency
meeting of, uh, several officers

and their wives at my
quarters this evening.

- Fine, fine.
- Yeah.

Send in Lieutenant Anderson.

Oh, and, uh, having
an enlisted man there,

uh, to get the men's
point of view is essential.

Somebody good at
promoting post activities.

Captain, I'll give you the
biggest promoter in the Army.

Lieutenant, see
that this message

gets to Sergeant
Bilko... Immediately.

- But, sir, this is their study period.
- Interrupt them.

This is important.

Yes, sir.

"Study period."

Under the "G"... 56.

Under the "B"... 12.

Under the "B"... 12.

- Hold it!
- All right, what is it now?

I need more corn.

Give him more corn.

Doberman, did you come
here to eat or to play bingo?

Look alive!

Under the "O"... 70.

- Under the "O"... seven...
- Hold it! Brass coming.

- Brass coming.
- Cards over.

All right, here it is, men...
A very important detail.

- Perimeter 337.
- Check.

Longitude 36.

- Latitude 43.
- Check.

Lieutenant, how are you, sir?

Sergeant Bilko.

- Message from Colonel Hall.
- Thank you, sir.

I'm just putting the men
through a little map drill, you see.

Go right ahead.

Perimeter 614.

I've never seen such small maps.

Oh, I had them made especially.

It sharpens their vision,
sir, keeps them on the ball.

- You understand.
- Oh.

Perimeter 384.

Bingo!

Wh-What... what was that?

What was what, sir?

- Somebody said, "Bingo."
- Oh, no, sir.

That was Private Doberman.

He yelled, "Bilko."
He's full of questions.

Oh, he really wants to learn.

I'll help him a little later.

- Thank you, sir.
- That's all.

Thank you.

- Perimeter 384.
- Check.

- All clear!
- Cards over.

All clear.

Under the "N"... 30.

Under the "N"... 30.

Hold it.

- Under the "B"... two.
- Under the "B"... two.

Hey, Bilko, I just
got this on the radio.

The pigeons landed
at Camp Crofter.

All right, all right.

Take it easy.

Pigeons left 0900, arrived 0917.

And the winner...

Little Blue Wing, paying
660 to win, 330 to place,

- 210 to show.
- I got it!

Second: Speedy Sal, 220, 210.

220... that's me.

And for third, Hurry Up
Harry, paying 360 to show.

- I got it.
- All right, men.

Stand by for the daily double.

All right, police the area.

Okay, come on, Doberman.
Help me with this thing.

Hi, Ernie.

Hey, there's Rocco!

All right, quiet, quiet!

Restricted you to quarters, huh?

- He gave me exactly...
- Hold it.

All right, now, all you
men... all you men who are in

the "How Many Days Will
Corporal Barbella Restricted?" pool,

get ready with your slips.

All right, what was
your lucky number?

I got 15 days.

- 15 is the lucky number.
- 15 on the nose!

Pay him off.

Hey, come on,
fellas! Let's go down

to the canteen.
Come on, come on!

Wait. Hold up!

What's going on here?

On the double... formation.

May I remind you men

that you are still in the
United States Army?

What is this goofing off
and wandering around?

We got work to do!

And just so much
time to do it in.

On the ball!

We've got a busy schedule.

Now, pay attention.

The finals in the gin rummy
round-robin start at 2:00.

At 3:00, there will be a meeting

of the Jacks or
Better Literary Circle.

All bets on what color
Lieutenant Doober's wife's hair

will be this week
must be in by 5:00.

Corporal Barbella will be
outside of the post beauty shop

and rush us the results.

The canasta tournament
starts at 7:00 sharp,

right after the
bed-making contest.

And some platoons march!

All right, watch with the
military mya-mya-mya.

Take it easy!

And Captain Wells.

Uh, Mrs. Whitney
and Captain Whitney.

- How do you do, Captain?
- How do you do?

And now that we've all met

the newest members
of our post family,

Captain Whitney and,
uh, his lovely wife...

shall I call the
meeting to order?

Well, I, uh... I think
we better wait for Bilko.

Oh, yes, I guess so.

We can't very well discuss,
uh, gambling on the post

without Sergeant Bilko present.

It's like having...
it's like having

a cabinet meeting
without the president.

Really, John, Sergeant Bilko

is the sweetest, most
considerate young man

- that I...
- All right, Nell, he's just misunderstood.

But, Nell, let me
tell you, if you...

Come in.

Colonel Hall.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

I was going over your
orders of the day with my men.

I became so absorbed in
them, I lost track of the time, sir.

I'm sure.

Welcome, Sergeant Bilko.

Oh, thank you, miss.

Colonel, you didn't
tell me your daughter

was visiting you
for the weekend.

Here it comes.

- Oh, Sergeant!
- Oh!

It's Mrs. Hall.

Oh, excuse me.

If you keep getting
any younger...

if you get any younger,

we're going to
lose you to a rookie.

All right, Bilko,
let's get to work.

Thank you.

Oh, there you are, my...

Oh, you make a sofa a throne.

That's what you do.

- I call this meeting...
- Well!

Mrs. Doober, whatever
have you done to your hair?

It's enchanting.

You're lovely.

- What color is that?
- It's two-tone.

All bets are off.

- Oh, I'm sor... I was just...
- All right.

- Bilko.
- Excuse me.

When are you going to get
one of those Italian boy cuts

and drive the post
out of its mind?

Oh, I?

- But you are devastating...
- Uh, Bilko, please.

I'm sorry, sir. I was just
so, uh, carried away that...

Excuse me. I don't
believe we've met.

Oh, Mrs. Whitney,
this is Sergeant Bilko.

- Oh, how do you?
- Well...

Vous a vous très charmante.

Oh, n'est pas joli?
Oh, he's charming!

- Oh, they are lovely.
- Uh, Bilko, please.

I'm sorry. I'm
just carried away.

When there's so much
beauty, one forgets.

Oh, you girls won't give us
bachelors a chance, will you?

You're lovely, you savages, you.

Bilko!

I'm sorry, sir.

I call this meeting at the
request of Captain Whitney.

Uh, he thinks that we'll be able

to stop this hysterical
wave of gambling

that's gripping our post.

A wave of gambling, I may add,

that is spearheaded
by one mastermind.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Oh, excuse me, please, Colonel.

- Would you mind saying that again?
- What? What?

I mean, what you just said.

Well, who is this mastermind?

Don't tell me... I know.

The Broadway stage.

- Am I right?
- I beg your pardon?

You must have been on the stage.

Only one of the stage can
speak with such authority,

- such clarity of tone.
- All right, Bilko.

Oh, excuse me...
This is important.

The Dramatic Club...
She's perfect for Camille.

- Camille! -Yes!
- She'd be splendid.

Yes! Camille!

Ladies, please!

Yes. She's the one.

- I know her.
- Bilko!

I'm sorry, sir.

I've seen you. I've
seen you many times.

Captain Whitney!

Will you take over?

Thank you, Colonel.

Glad to have you
aboard, Captain.

Oh, Colonel, you do surround
yourself with splendid men.

You certainly do.

Uh, I have found that men gamble

as a substitute for
other forms of recreation.

So, just give them
something constructive to do,

like handicraft... Nell!

Excuse me, sir.

Colonel, have you a wood,
uh, working shop on the post?

We had one.

The men worked like
beavers for one week.

Really? What did they build?

A crap table.

Yes, I was never so
shocked in my entire life.

And in whose barracks
did we discover it?

Oh, my, what a
lovely "anticamassar."

- Oh, isn't this lovely?
- Oh, lovely.

Don't... don't shock me again.

You didn't make this yourself...

- Oh! - - Did she make it?

- She definitely has a green thumb.
- Ladies!

Green thumb.

- Bilko!
- It's amazing what...

Oh, excuse me.

- I'm sorry.
- Bilko, please.

Yes, sir.

My wife and I formed a
successful project in, uh...

Remember Camp Collins, Gloria?

Oh, yes... folk dancing.

The men loved it.

We tried that.

Uh, Mrs. Doober, uh,
tell them what happened.

Somebody brought in hostesses

and began charging
ten cents a dance.

Who could have done

- a thing like that?
- Won't you try

some of Mrs. Hall's
icebox cookies?

- You'll find them lovely.
- Oh, well, thank you.

- Don't mind if I do.
- Aren't they delish?

Oh, yes!

Oh, what you can do
with two eggs is amazing!

- Two eggs?!
- Oh, she's...

Thumbs... her thumbs
are definitely green.

Ladies, please!

Bilko!

Why, she's a
Paganini with a stove.

I believe that. I saw...

Bilko, this is a meeting!

I'm sorry, sir.

Instead of talking
about recipes, tell them

about that bird-watchers
club we formed for you men.

Oh, yes, it was a most
exhilarating experience.

And very strange, too.

When anyone saw a bobolink,
money changed hands.

Bobolink was three-to-one.

Uh, I mean, we were raising
money to get a birdbath.

You see, the last thing we
want on this post are dirty birds.

You see how hopeless it is?

Hopeless?

Colonel...

Gloria and I have faced
tougher problems than this.

Remember, dear?

- Fort Greenstock. -Yes.
- Oh, uh, tell us

- about it, Mrs. Whitney.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Oh, yes, do tell us about it.
- Oh, please. Oh, you must.

We want it. Please? Okay.

We want to hear you speak.

It'll be so enchanting.
Won't you, please?

Oh, Captain, you
are a lucky man.

Oh, I know where I
saw her... The movies.

- I saw you in the movies.
- Oh, now, Captain...

I know it.

- Gloria.
- Yes.

Anyway, to begin with, you
see, what happened was this...

Ted simply just couldn't seem
to get anywhere with any projects.

The men just weren't interested.

And then, I remembered a
lecture I gave back in college...

Sarah Lawrence.

That's where I saw you.

It's a girls school.

Oh, I see.

Well, anyway...

so, I-I made up this
wonderful lecture,

and it was all
about Beethoven...

His life in music.

Went rather well.

Oh, Gloria, don't be modest.

It was a smashing success.

Oh, it sounds enchanting,
doesn't it, Colonel?

- Beethoven and all?
- I've given it 17 times since.

Wherever Ted's stationed,
sooner or later they ask for it.

Sir, it can't miss.

Well, now, I don't know, uh...

Well, we could schedule
it in the recreation hall

for Saturday night.

Yes, we could start the
evening with a string quartet

playing some of the
more popular music,

like, uh, Bartok and Stravinsky,
and then Gloria takes the ball.

Oh, Ted!

Well, we'll have to see
if the men will go for it.

Uh, uh, what do you
think, Sergeant Bil...

- Bilko!
- Oh, yes.

Yes, it's a smash.
It can't miss, sir.

It's wonderful.
Stravinsky, Beethoven...

Oh, it'll be glorious.

Unto my dying day, I must
regret that I won't be there to see it.

You see, I'll be
away on my furlough.

I am afraid not!

Not, sir?

Bilko, you're responsible
for the gambling on this post,

so I am going to
hold you responsible

to see that that house
Saturday night is going to be full,

that every seat is
going to be filled.

Filled, sir, with
Beethoven and Stravinsky?

- Get the men in on a night like...
- Quiet!

You will get the
tickets, and you will see

that we have a full and
responsive audience.

But, sir, my furlough,
it's all arrang...

Otherwise, you will
not go on your furlough.

But the things are all
arranged in New York...

The tickets for the
planetarium, the museums.

- Aw... Oh, John, please.
- You can understand.

And all the gifts I'm
bringing back to dear...

- Nell, no!
- Please.

A full house.

Yes, sir.

And now that the
meeting is over,

uh, anybody for bridge?

- Splendid idea.
- Yes. Bridge, Sergeant Bilko?

I'm afraid not, Mrs. Hall.

After all, it is a
form of gambling,

and, uh, I'll say good night.

John, if you'd just let Sergeant
Bilko go on his furlough,

- Nell! Please...
- I...

Get the bridge tables.

Sergeant Bilko's got
something to tell you guys.

Ah, ah, I promised not to tell.

♪ La-la-la... ♪

Good morning, men!

Good morning, Sergeant Bilko.

Oh, you lucky guys.
Lucky, lucky men.

When I think of
how I wrack my brain

to think of little
things for you guys.

Men, I got some tickets here.

Freeze.

Freeze, you commandos.

This is the way you react, huh?

When I'm trying... well, if
you want to know something,

wise guys, these
tickets are free!

- Free? -Free?
- And that's a word

I don't use so often.

- What are they for, Sarge?
- What are they for?

Gather round.

I don't want this to
get around the post...

I'll be swamped for tickets.

Men, this Saturday
night, one night only,

in person, you're gonna see

the hottest little
string quartet

- you ever saw!
- Hottest little what?

You're not kidding when you
said "hottest little what?" boy.

Men, just the way you've
always dreamed of them.

Sarge, I-I'll take a ticket!

- What are we gonna see, Sarge?
- You're gonna see one of the

greatest little: string
quartets you ever saw.

What did he say?

I think he said,
"string quartet."

String quartet!

You see? You're
having fun already.

Hey, well, wait a minute...
It is a string quartet.

Stravinsky!

How about that, huh?!

What is this Stravinsky?

Jerk, that's Minsky... He
went back to his old name.

Boys, this is... how this
ever got past the post censor,

I'll never understan...

Some heads are gonna roll
around here when they see this.

- Boy...
- Hot stuff, huh, Bilko?

"Mrs. Gloria
Whitney will present

her lecture on Beethoven."

- Yeah.
- A lecture on Beethoven?

I'd rather take shots.

Come here, come here!

On the double! Here!

Of course it says "lecture."

They got to say "lecture."

What it really is, is an exposé.

- Exposé?
- Exposé.

Listen, listen, do
I have to tell you?

You've heard stories about
the musicians in those days.

This Beethoven, ooh!

"Hot Lips Beetie,"
they used to call him.

Boy, his private life story...
There was one thing about him.

In Heidelberg, there's a
story, in the middle of a cantata,

he was caught...

- I blush when I think of it.
- Aah!

Are you kidding?

This is nothing
but long-hair music!

Just for that, you can't go!

Always suspicious... If
you gave him a dollar bill,

he'd want to know,
"Why is it green?"

Beethoven! Stravinsky!
Is he kidding?

Uh, look, men, this is...

One big night with
that long-hair stuff...

Fellas?

What are you...? Fella,
you'll love it, if you...

- Sarge, I'd like to go.
- All right.

♪♪

Did you set the record?

- Number six.
- All set.

Here, here, this one's on me.

I wonder what... Hey!
Look what they just got in!

I've been waiting
for this for months!

- Is it real gone?
- Number... Gone? It's so...

It's the latest thing
at the Birdland.

Wait'll you dig this.

Murder, hah? Wow!

Does this take off?

Oh!

That Beethoven, he really
had a beat, man, didn't he?

- Oh, that's solid murder!
- What's that?

Where can you hear
music like that these days?

Saturday night at the rec hall,

that's where you can
hear music like that!

Now, would you like to...?

Come on, fellas, you'll love it.

If you come to the
rec hall, you'll have a...

Aw, fellas, remember, now,
give me a break. New York!

- Seymour Lamour is waiting...
- Sarge, anything but a lecture!

There must be somebody
that goes for Beethoven.

- How about Mrs. Beethoven?
- Oh, stop with the jokes.

I got things to work
out around here.

Hey, Bilko, how
about a game of cards?

Cards? Gambling?

When there's a fine
thing like a lecture?

Men, you're all invited.

"Mrs. Whitney."

No, thanks.

Mrs. Whitney?

No kidding.

So the Twitch is on the post.

The Twitch?

Yeah. I caught her
lecture up at Fort Bender.

Boy, did she twitch.

Like this.

"Ludwig van Beethoven..."

twitch... Oh, sure, I remember.

I saw her give that
lecture in Manila.

- Sure.
- She must've tugged

at her girdle 15 times.

15 times?

You boys must've been asleep.

We took count up at Fort Bender.

For Beethoven,

it's always the
same: 20 twitches.

You're crazy!

I seen that lecture five times.

She never twitched more than 15.

Look, don't tell
me... It's 20 twitches.

Grover, you were in Manila.

Did she ever twitch
more than 15 times?

Andy is right.

- 15 twitches is the limit!
- In...

I... It's 20 every time!

Are you guys talking
about the Twitch?

Yeah. -What's your number?

I seen her up at Fort Handler.

She went, uh, 22...
But it was a hot night.

You're out of your mind!

She never twitched more than 15.

- What are you talk...
- 15? 15?

She twitches more than that
before she even gets up to talk.

I was there!

- 15 twitches!
- You were there? -20...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold it!

You want to bet him?
Bet him $20 you're right.

- Yeah!
- I'll take half!

You'll take half? Take...
You want to bet on this?

You bet him.

You want to... you
want to raise the bet?

- Yeah, I'll bet!
- Raise the bet!

- Cover both of 'em?
- Yeah, all right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why don't we do it right?

- Let's have a pool.
- A pool!

See Hensh. Now, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Now, one thing you're aware of,

I'll be the only
guy at the lecture.

- Oh...
- You take my word for it, don't you?

Oh, that will be the day.

- Give me 30 tickets.
- 30 tickets.

- I'm taking my whole platoon.
- Give me 25...

Sarge, hey, Sarge, you
got any more tickets?

Oh, you must be kidding.

Oh, a friend of mine's
coming up from Chicago.

He's dying to see the Twitch.

Are you kidding? There
was a guy from Company A

got sick, went to the infirmary,
sold his ticket for 12 bucks.

Hold everything. 30
bucks more on 15 twitches.

My whole platoon chipped in.

- We got too much money on 15?
- No, not much.

Hey, this is getting hot.

I just got a
radiogram from Tokyo.

"$40 on 14 twitches."

$40. You got the loot?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Did you get in touch with
Manila, get all the information

when she broke the
record with 26 twitches?

I want to get all the
information I can.

Yeah, they said it was
a murderously hot night.

Half the twitches
were mosquitoes.

Ah. Well, I want everything
I can learn about it.

You know something, this
is getting a little out of hand.

Well, you know, uh,
the boys in Germany,

- in the Signal Corps?
- Yeah?

They all chipped in,
and they want to put

a hundred bucks on 18 twitches,
and they're sending it by plane.

- Have we got enough on 18?
- Well, you lay out yours.

All right, here, cover the
boys from Berlin for me.

This is getting miraculous!
You know what happened?

Four busloads from a
camp in Arizona came in.

Two guys hitchhiked from
Texas on their furlough!

This is gonna be the night!

I hope Mrs. Whitney's
in good form.

I hope so, too... she's got
more money riding on her

than on the Kentucky Derby!

Keep it moving, keep it moving.

Find your seats.
Take your hats off!

You guys with your hats off!

Fellas, come on, keep it moving.

Find room, anyplace in the hall!

Get spread out, spread out!

Give everybody a chance!

Hold it! Sorry,
boys, the fire laws.

No more room... go outside
and look through the window.

I don't understand
it... They didn't turn out

like this for Marilyn Monroe.

Well, I told you, Colonel,

there's a thirst for culture
which cannot be denied.

But I must admit that...

it's a bit of a new
high, even for Gloria.

- Oh, now.
- Well, we'd better get started.

Where's Sergeant Bilko?

Bilko!

We'd better get started,
sir, don't you think?

Yes.

Yes, all right, sir, well, if
you'll just take your seats.

All right, men, simmer down.

This is it, men.

This is what we've
been waiting for.

And you know who we can thank

for this great evening
of entertainment...

Our beloved C.O.,
and in my book,

he's C.O. of the Year!

And I know you want to meet him

and show him how
you feel about him.

Here he is, Colonel J.T. Hall!

Come on!

Don't be nervous, Colonel,
they're gonna love you.

Good evening, music lovers.

Now, I'd like to introduce,
uh, Mrs. Gloria Whitney,

who will speak to us on
the subject of Beethoven...

Thank you, thank you.

Well, now.

Ludwig van Beethoven

was born in the little
town of Bonn, Germany,

in the year 1770.

One.

Oh, no, not 1771... 1770.

Little did Ludwig's
family realize

what the future
held in store for him.

Two.

At the age of 15,

he developed, uh, so rapidly,

and all sorts of
things in improvisation,

including the
violin and the, uh...

the piano.

- Yes.
- Three.

Tell you that his...

And that was the sixth tug, and
she's not even breathing hard.

You boys in Manila
would be proud of her.

And to all of you camps
who just joined the network,

she started out free and easy.

Whoops! There goes
tug number seven!

Fellas, this gal is really
doing it free and easy,

and she's wonderful...

Camp Baxter to
all points, off the air!

Never be forgotten.

- Never.
- Eight.

All the years...

Ludwig van Beethoven

had really left behind
him a musical heritage

that will always be remembered

by music lovers the world over.

24.

Thank you.

25!

25! A new indoor record!

Oh, magnificent, Mrs. Whitney.

- I cried like a baby.
- Oh, oh...!

Won't you give the
boys some autographs?

Oh, I'd love to!

Wasn't it great, Colonel?

Be in my office first
thing in the morning!

Yes, sir.

Shame.

But, Colonel, you
wanted a full house.

We got this thing up
so as to stop gambling!

And we didn't want to
start another Belmont Park!

Bilko, you should be
ashamed of yourself,

betting on a thing like that.

If you expect to get a
furlough, you better forget it.

Oh, sir, I forgot
about the furlough.

This is too big.

Oh, I'm gonna follow this
up... Lieutenant Wigman.

- You're what?
- Lieutenant Wigman is gonna

lecture next week
on modern painting.

I think his subject is
"The Passion of Picasso."

Bilko... are you kidding me?

Kidding? No, sir... You
think this is a full house?

Wait'll you see next
week. I'm gonna have

the tickets printed
now. Excuse me, sir.

Lieutenant? Lieutenant Wigman?

Yes, sir?

Did you tell B-Bilko

that you were gonna
make a lecture next week?

Oh, yes, sir.

And he assured me
that the men will love it.

As you see, sir... I
have an idea that...

there are certain periods
in... the life of Picasso...

that particularly connect...

Excuse me, excuse me.

Bilko!

Mrs. Whitney was
played by Charlotte Rae,

Mrs. Hall by Hope Sansbury.