The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 5 - All About Eavesdropping - full transcript

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The Dick
Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van
Dyke, Rosemary.

Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Morning, Mom.
Morning, Dad.

Morning, sweetie.

Did Uncle George come?

Yeah, he's here.

He came right after
you fell asleep.

You mean he's here?

Oh, boy, I'm going
to go see my uncle.



Whoa.
Whoa.

- Keep your voice down.
- You'll wake him up.

Did he see me?

Yeah, we opened your door,
we let him take a peek at you?

Did he like me?

He liked you a lot.

Good.

Can I take a look at him?

Well, Richie,
dear, he's asleep.

Well, he took a look
at me when I was asleep.

I want to see if I like him.

You're going to
like him a lot.

All kids love Uncle George.

Boy, I can remember when I
was a little boy your age.



We used to go see him and
Aunt Sarah all the time.

[rooster crowing sounds]

Hi, Everybody.

Rise and shine.

Coffee's perking and
I'm here to get mine.

Richie boy.

Hi, Uncle George.

Look at your.

Well, I guess we don't have
to ask you if you slept well,

do we?

Oh, I always like to sing out
loud and clear in the mornings.

Well, let's have a look
at the little tadpole

now that he's got his eyes open.

He's a Petrie, all right.

Here, hey, that
look like a rabbit?

No.

Smart boy.

Uncle George,
what's for breakfast?

French toast, bacon and
eggs, cereal, pancakes?

Fine.

Let's start it all out
with a little orange juice.

All that and orange juice?

Nothings beats breakfast.

Big breakfast.

Well, one big
breakfast coming up.

Bad choice of words, honey.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I suppose
you're all wondering why

I decided to make this trip.

Well, as you
told us last night,

you came to see your favorite
nephew and his lovely wife.

That and too, but there's
something more important.

What's that, Uncle George?

I have finally
decided to take a woman.

A woman?

Yeah, and, Robbie Boy, you are
going to have to do it for me.

Me?

You're going to have
to find your old Uncle

George a marriageable woman.

I finally decided
it's time I got

married again and settled down.

Well, Uncle
George, aren't there

any nice ladies in Danville?

Well, there's
old lady Ziggler.

Old Mrs. Ziggler?

You remember her,
and she's eager,

but I kind of like to
take a shot at something

more exciting.

Well, what makes you
think Rob can help you?

He's in the show
business, ain't he?

I'll bet you know
a million women.

Well, I know a few.

Well, wrap one up to go
and bring her home tonight.

Uncle George, I can't just
run out and grab a woman.

Now, listen, Robbie,
when you were a little boy,

did I ever deny you anything?

Well, no.

Ice cream, lollipops,
anything you ever wanted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, bring me a woman.

Well, sure, I'll
try, Uncle George.

Oh, darling, on the way
home from work, will you

pick up a loaf of rye bread?

Yeah, honey.

Oh, and while you're
at it, would you bring

a bottle of that good red wine?

Might use it for the
engagement party.

OK, a loaf of bread, and
a jug of wine, and a vow.

Hello, Rob.

Hey.

What are you so happy about?

Say hello to the cheerleader
for the next depression.

Take it easy, you guys.

I have troubles at home.

Well, welcome to the club.

Come on, Rob,
what's the matter?

Well, I'm going to
answer that question

by asking you a question.

Where is the best place to
get a hold of an elderly lady?

Well, there the
fireman's carry,

or you grab her by the ankles.

I am serious.

My uncle George is
in town from Danville

and he's going to
look for a new wife.

He wants me to go and
find him a single girl.

Well, you're looking at
the king of the single girls.

He needs a girl who's
single and mature.

Aw, thanks, Rob.

Mature.

Hey, how about my mother-in-law?

She's so mature she
can hardly stand up.

Your mother-in-law is married.

Yeah, but I'm sure
my father-in-law

would gladly step aside.

Hey, Buddy, didn't
your mother-in-law

have a twin sister?

I hope not!

Maybe that was a cousin I had.

Hey, Sal?

What about your aunt Agnes?

Oh, no, you know what
and Agnes says about men.

ROB: No.

Man is like the drifting snow.

It comes down in small flurries
and piles up against the door,

and before long you can't
get out of the house.

I guess that would
let your aunt Agnes out.

Boy, where am I going to
find a single old lady?

Hey, how about
putting pearls on that?

[clicking]

Oh, still using
your clicker, Mel?

Oh, yes.

My therapist was right.

By clicking this
clicker I release all

my hostilities and tensions.

[clicking]

Sounds like you're
shaking your head.

[clicking]

Rob, what's this
about a little old lady?

Oh, Mel, my uncle George is
in town looking for a new wife.

You don't happen to know
any eligible women, do you?

No.

Well, the only eligible
older person I know

is my mother-in-law.

Hey, that's Alan
Brady's mother.

Grab her, Rob.

Your boss's mother will be your
aunt, Alan will be your cousin,

and Mel will be your--
yuck, forget it.

[clicking]

If Alan doesn't have
that script by 4 o'clock,

he's going to start
tearing his hair out.

Kind of makes you
sad, doesn't it?

[clicking]

[inaudible] Mel, we'll
get it out by 4 o'clock.

Hey, Rob.
I got it.

I got it.

Yes, something for the show?

No, something
for Uncle George.

Mrs. Glimcher.

Herman Glimcher's mother.

BUDDY: Herman Glimcher.

That's the boyfriend
that's got to be

in by 12:00 or the old lady
sends a militia out for him.

Sal, you don't think
you could get Mrs.

Glimcher over to our house
tonight to meet uncle George,

do you?

Well, I hate to do it
uncle George, but listen,

you invite Herman and
me to dinner tonight,

and she'll be there.

How can you be so
sure she'll be there?

How can I be so sure?

Listen, Herman was in the army.

She joined the WAX just to
be close to him, didn't she?

She goes everywhere with him.

Oh, she sounds
like a great one.

But bring her.

At least I won't have to go
home empty handed tonight.

I'll call Laura
and tell her we're

having company for dinner.

Hey, Rob.

What's uncle George like?

Oh, he's a big,
strapping guy, white hair.

Do you think Mrs. Glimcher
would like a mustache?

No, I don't think so.

She keeps shaving hers off.

All right, Robby
boy, where is the girl.

Like the song says, I ain't
got time for the waiting game.

They'll be here any
minute, Uncle George.

What's she like, Robby boy?

Tantalizing?

Well, I'd say that she
was a handsome woman.

Handsome?

Not like John Wayne, I hope.

Smell that turkey.

Lord, it smells divine.

Thank you.

Are we going to have one
of them a fancy desserts?

Well, we're having this
marvelous ice cream cake that I

ordered at the Danish bakery.

If they're still open, because
I forgot to pick it up.

Oh, Rob, could you go?

Yeah, honey, I'll get it.

Hold it, Rob,
hold it, hold it.

I'll go.

Oh, uncle George,
that's awfully nice.

No, it's nothing at all.
Nothing at all.

Give me the keys.

It's just two stoplights
down the street on the corner.

Right.

Uncle George, I think since
you're the guest of honor--

No, no.

See, this way it'll
give me a chance

to make a grand entrance.

And while I'm gone, you can
tell her how handsome I am.

Charming.

And passionate.

Rrow.

That's-- that's my uncle.

I told you he was
cute, didn't I?

But you didn't
tell me he was a nut.

[doorbell]

Oh boy.

Hold your horses.

Oh, oh, oh, just let
me sit down somewhere.

Give me a glass of water.

Where are my pills?

Where's my boy?
- Right here, Mother.

I'm right here.

Just take it easy.

You're going to be all right.

Oh, Rob, would you
have some water?

Yeah.

My goodness, what happened?

Well, nothing,
nothing, she's fine.

She's just a little carsick.

Oh, my pills,
Herman, my pills.

No, no, no, blue
ones, the blue ones.

Do you want the red one too?

Give me a red one too.

The water, the water,
the water, the water.

Oh.

Oh, that traffic,
that awful traffic.

Oh, it wasn't that bad.

You wouldn't know.

You were sitting
in the back seat.

She always likes to
sit up front with Herman

when he drives.

She says it gives
him confidence.

Are you better now, Mother?

When it gets down, dear.

Oh, you're so considerate.

Come and sit here with your pal.

Yes, Mother.

Honey, would
you sit over here?

Oh, sure.

Yes, sit over here, dear.

There.

Cozy, Peggy dear?

The name is Sally.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Just the way we sit
when we go to the movies.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I do feel better, and I'm so
sorry I was so much trouble.

Oh no, not at all.

I'm glad you could come.

Isn't this cozy?

Just us five young people.

I consider myself
young, you know.

I feel so young.

Sometimes I think she's
even younger than Herman.

Oh, how sweet.

You know, Herman
knows how I feel

when I'm around older people.

They make me so nervous.

Oh?

- Say Sal?
- Yeah?

Would you mind
coming in the kitchen

and helping Laura and
me carry some things in?

Oh, yeah.

I think we could use
Herman, don't you, Rob?

Herman, come on.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no,
baby, I'd better go.

I don't like for Herman
to lift anything heavy.

Mrs. Glimcher, we'll
give him an easy thing.

I'll tell you what, you better
sit there, because you just

had a red pill.

Oh, you're so thoughtful.

Be careful, Herman dear.

All right, Mother.

What are you
serving, Mrs. Petrie?

I hope it's something I can eat.

Ha-ha.

Are we all here?

No.

No, Mother is still out there.

That's why we're here.

Oh.

Do you mean we're having
secrets from Mother?

You didn't tell him, did you?

Well, I thought it'd be best
if it just came out naturally.

I thought if she knew
she wouldn't come.

Tell her what?
What is it?

Herman, I want to
give you this straight.

We brought your mother here
to introduce her to a man.

A man?

Who?

Well, it's Rob's
Uncle George, he's

visiting here from
Danville, and he

wanted to meet some nice lady.

We couldn't find any,
so we invited your mother.

Well, that's very nice of you,
but Rob's uncle and my mother?

I don't know.

Why not?

She's still young
and attractive.

Oh, I know.

But she's always said she'd
never get married until I died.

Herman, we have got
to tell your mother.

Please, please,
keep your voices down.

Are we shouting?

No, but Mother's
got marvelous ears.

She hears everything.

I think she's got
transistors in her teeth.

Well, all right.

I'll tell her.

- OK.
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Everybody grab something.

That's what we came in here for.

Not that, Herman!

Uh, Mother?

Well, where's this man
you brought me here to meet?

You-- you heard?

Of course.

Boy, what ears.

What's he like?

Well, he's kind of tall.

He got nice white hair.

Have no fear, the fancy
dessert man is here.

My goodness.

Uncle George, I'd like you
to meet all these people.

This is Herman Glimcher,
and this is Mrs. Glimcher.

And that's Sally Rogers.

Hello little golden dove.

Hello big silver bird.

Robby, boy, you've
made your uncle

the happiest man in the world.

Rob?

Oh, boy, is she a far
cry from old lady Zinkler.

Robbie, my boy, thanks to
you this big silver bird

is in orbit once more.

Whoa, whoa, silver.

You made kind of a
little mistake in there.

Sally is not for you.

Well, don't you think
I'm the best judge of that?

No, I don't--

I don't mean that.

Look, George, before you
get yourself all involved--

Involved?

Boy, the minute we
locked eyeballs,

I knew that girl was for me.

You don't understand,
Uncle George.

Sally is Herman
Glimcher's girlfriend.

Oh, no, Robby.

That shocks me.

Of course I can't blame him for
looking around a little bit.

That wife of his is old
enough to be his mother.

She is his mother.

Robbie, Robbie,
do you mean to tell

me that you brought that old--

Shh!

That old [inaudible] for me?

I'm afraid that's
it, Uncle George.

I'm sorry.

Robbie, boy.

Oh.

Hold it, not lost, not lost.

No siree.

They're both single
women, aren't they?

They're both up for grabs.

Well, I choose the young
dove instead of the old cow.

Rob, excuse me.

Yeah, Herman?

Mothers out in the car, and
she wants me to take her home.

I'm afraid this whole
evening's been too much for.

Oh, Herman, I'm awful sorry.

Well, I'm sorry to
ruin your dinner party,

but I'm afraid I'd better
take Sally home, too.

Now just a minute, young man.

Don't you touch that girl!

I'll take her home.

Rob?

Herman, look,
don't worry about it.

We'll see that she gets home.

No use making Sal
leave right now.

Oh, well, I
suppose you're right.

Well, you run
along now, sonny.

Take care of your mama.

Yes, yes, I will.

Well, nice to meet
you Uncle George.

By, Rob.

Well, now that we got
those to cut out of the herd,

everything's going
along nicely, Robbie.

Well, young lady.

Looks like I'm going to have the
pleasure of driving you home.

Uncle George is
taking Sally home?

Yeah, Uncle George
is taking Sally home?

Sure am.

We'll all take Sally
home, how about that, honey.

Well, I can't
go, Rob, we don't

have a babysitter for Rich.

We'll bring him along.

You and I, we'll
take Sally home.

How about that?

I'll get your purse.

But Robbie boy, we don't
need a chaperone, now do we.

I tell you what, it's not
that, exactly, Uncle George.

Is just it's a long way.

You might get lost.

All right, in that
case, you drive,

Sally and I will
sit in the back.

You know what they used to
call me in my younger days?

No, what?

The octopus.

You know it used to call me?

What?

The harpoon.

Sharp girl, I love it.

Sharp girl.

Come on, Sally.

- Rob, you coming?
- Yeah.

I'm coming.

Wait a minute, everybody.

Before you go, will somebody
please carve the turkey for me

so I could have dinner?

Or perhaps you'd
all like to join me.

We didn't eat dinner.

Let's have some dinner, Sally.

We'll all have dinner.

Sally, you can sit
here, Uncle George.

You wouldn't separate the
love birds, would you, now?

Oh, we can always go out
the backyard, sit on a branch.

Oh, smart girl.

I love it.

[SINGING] Buffalo girls
won't you come out tonight,

come out tonight,
come out tonight.

Robbie, how about a little
snack before we go to bed?

Well, it's 3
o'clock, Uncle George.

I have to go to bed.

Turkey sandwich, a glass of
milk go good right about now.

I tell you what you do.

You go ahead and
help yourself, OK?

All right.
Oh, Robbie.

I want to thank you
for a wonderful night.

I had more fun than
I've had in ages.

That Sally, she's
a wonderful girl.

The most wonderful girl
I ever met in my life.

Did you hear what she told me?
Did you hear that?

No I didn't hear that.

She said she just never met
a man that was in better shape

and younger in mind than I was.

You heard that, didn't you?

I heard that.

You better go to bed.

I'm going to build myself a
sandwich, take it to my room,

and do a lot of planning.

[SINGING] Buffalo girls,
won't you come out tonight,

come out tonight.

Rob, do you realize it's
after 3:00 in the morning?

Where have you been?

Roseland.

Roseland?

What on Earth were you
doing in a dance hall?

Sitting.

They were dancing for
three solid hours.

Oh, my.

Well, how are things between
Sally and Uncle George?

Oh, just fine.

I think they're engaged.

You mean you didn't tell him?

Honey, you can't
tell him anything.

It's impossible.

It's impossible.

He only hears what
he wants to hear.

Couldn't Sally?

Oh, she tried.

She told him, he was childish.

He took that as a compliment.

She said he was in such great
shape for a man of his age,

but he didn't hear
the last part.

LAURA: Well, Rob, you're
going to have to tell him.

You can't let him go
on fooling himself.

Honey.

how can I tell him?

How do you tell your
favorite uncle that he's

making a fool of himself?

LAURA: You're a writer.

Invent something.

ROB: If he could
have seen that crowd

in Roseland laughing at him.

If he could have seen Sally
looking at me for help.

How do you tell a
guy who thinks he's

sweeping a girl off her feet
that she thinks he's pathetic?

LAURA: The whole
thing is so sad.

ROB: I love that old guy, honey.

I can't puncture this
beautiful little dream

he's having about Sally.

And she deserves a medal for
the way she put up with him.

LAURA: Rob, you
know the longer you

let him go on fooling himself,
the harder it's going to be

for him when he finds out.

Would you rather
have Sally tell him?

ROB: Oh, honey, it
wouldn't be fair to Sally.

Rob.

Hm?

The door is open.

Oh, do you
suppose he heard us?

LAURA: I don't know.

Whew, no, he's
still in the kitchen.

LAURA: Thank goodness.

Well, come to bed,
darling, but don't

go to sleep until
you've thought of a way

to tell Uncle George
that he's acting silly.

Boy, I wish I was one
of those Danish doctors.

How would that help?

It wouldn't, except
I'd be in Denmark.

[knocking]

Yeah, yeah.

Coming.

GEORGE: You asleep, Robbie?

ROB: Oh, hi Uncle
George, no, not quite.

Almost, not quite.

GEORGE: Can I talk
to you for a minute.

ROB: Just a minute.

Just a minute.

It's Uncle George.

I don't know what to tell him.

Tell him to come in.

Maybe I'll think of something.

Come in, Uncle George.

If you're sure I'm
not bothering you.

No, that's all right.

Hi Laura.

LAURA: Hi Uncle George.

I couldn't sleep.

Sit down, sit down, sit down,
I got something to tell you.

And by golly, I'm
going to tell you.

Well, go ahead and say it.

Well, I don't know how
I'm going to say this,

but nephew, I can't
go through with it.

Can't go through with what?

The thing with
Sally, all right?

I was just having fun.

You mean you weren't serious?

You know, I really should be
ashamed of myself for the way

that I led her on, built her up.

You know that girl thinks
she's more mature than she is?

But she's acting foolish.

And it's-- it's
stupid to act foolish.

But, when did you
decide that, Uncle George?

GEORGE: Oh, sometime tonight.

Why, she had me dancing up
there that Roseland Ballroom

till my heart was a
fuming and sputtering

like an old truck
on a cold morning.

You know, I should have told
her right then and there.

But, well, I--

I didn't want to puncture
that beautiful dream

she was having about me.

Now, I'm going to have to
call her in the morning

and tell her I'm--

Well, I can talk to her
if you'd like for me to,

Uncle George.

Robbie, would
you do that for me?

I hate hurting women's feelings.

I think she'll understand.

Well, you know how
they get sometimes.

They start yelling
and throwing things,

and I don't need any of that.

Yeah, who needs it.

Who needs any of that.

See know, you two
better get to bed.

You can-- hey, what time would
you say it was in Danville?

Oh, a little
after 3:00 I guess.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give old lady
Zinkler a ring on the phone

and brighten up her night.

Good night, you two.

Good night, Uncle George.

Well it looks like we
were worried for nothing.

He seems to have
straightened himself out.

Yeah, I hope so.

You don't suppose
he heard us, do you?

I don't know.

GEORGE: Of course I heard you!

Thank you!

Now get to bed!

Operator?

I want to Kitty Zinkler
in Danville, Illinois.

Never mind how you spell
it, just give the line going

south of town three rings.

Robbie?

Robbie, boy?

You got the tickets?

Got everything, Uncle George.

Oh good, good.

Now when you talk to Sally,
you be real sweet towards her,

because she's a sweet woman.

Too sweet for me.

I need somebody leathery,
like old lady Zinkler.

Is old lady Zinkler
going to be my aunt?

Going to be your aunt?

Well, it looks like it, sonny.

Leastwise she got laryngitis
saying yes over the phone.

Looks like I'm not going to
be able to get out of it.

You'll let us know, won't you?

Oh, sure.

You better get going.

Well.

George, it was wonderful.

Come back soon.

Here, let me get those.

If I'm going to carry old lady
Zinkler across the threshold,

I'm going to have
to get in shape.

She's built like a Sherman tank.

[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK
VAN DYKE SHOW"]