The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 4 - Very Old Shoes, Very Old Rice - full transcript

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hurry up, Laura.

I'm the carpool chauffeur, and I got

to get started in 5 minutes.

LAURA: I'll be out in a second.

Well, what is it you want to show me?

LAURA: Millie, be patient.

Well, can I come in?



LAURA: No!

I'll be right out.

OK, but last time I was late, and a lot of the kids

walked home from school in the rain.

Their mothers were so mad at me.

I don't want to be late again.

LAURA: I'm coming.

Well, hurry up because it looks like it might rain.

Oh, my!

Oh!

What do you think?

Oh, it is just beautiful.

Laura, that is the most beautiful outfit I have ever--

it is just beautiful.



Beautiful!

You really like it?

MILLIE: Oh, it is just beautiful.

You don't think it's too much?

Whatever you paid for it, it's worth it.

No, no, I mean, I'm not overdressed?

Overdressed?

It is just beautiful.

Could I wear it for any occasion?

Well, I wouldn't wear it to the beach.

Oh, Millie.

Or the gym.

Oh, come on.

No, I mean could I wear it to, oh, say matinee or a luncheon

or an informal wedding?

Oh, yes, why?

You have a special affair coming up soon?

Yeah, I'd say it was a very special affair.

Well, what is it?

I don't think I can tell you, Mill.

Me?

You can't tell me?

No, I'm afraid not.

Laura, it's me, your neighbor, closemouthed Millie.

I'm the person you can-- you can tell anything to.

Not this though.

Laura, I'm the one you told about the Frenchman who

fell in love with you, and gave you a lump of sugar,

and said you were a million times sweeter than it.

I wish I could tell you, Millie.

Well, you know what they say?

Wishing makes it so, so tell me.

Millie, you're going to be late,

and it does look like rain.

Who cares?

What's the occasion?

The children will get wet.

Let them.

It'll toughen them up.

Millie, Ritchie, just got over a cold.

Good.

If you really care about your son's health,

you'd better tell me.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't want anyone to know.

Well, Rob and I swore to each other that we wouldn't tell.

we'll if I guess, will you tell me?

Well, Rob and I swore.

Well, was it one of the three things you mentioned?

Which three?

A luncheon, a theater matinee, or an informal wedding.

Yes, and that's all I'm saying.

A matinee or a luncheon?

No.

It's a wedding!

Who's getting married?

Millie, Ritchie's going to catch cold.

I'll pay for his flu shot.

Oh, Millie.

Uh, Sally.

Sally found a fellow, and she's going to elope,

and you and Rob are going to stand up for her.

That's it, huh? - No.

Now look, if you're not going to pick up those children,

then I'm just going to have to.

OK, I'll go but you're mean.

I'm not going to tell you another thing I swore not to.

From now on, I'm telling all my secrets to Sadie Stein.

Oh, Millie, I wish I could tell you.

I really do.

Well, then tell me.

I've never seen you so jumpy.

You'd think it was your own wedding.

- Why'd you say that? - What?

What?

Your-- your own wedding?

Millie, if I tell you, will you swear not to tell anyone?

Not Jerry, not anyone.

Oh, they can pull out my fingernails,

and drop water on my head.

Who's getting married?

Because Millie, if you ever told,

you would cause a great deal of embarrassment

and I don't know what all to many people.

They can stretch me on a rack, and tickle

my feet with feathers.

Who's getting married?

Rob and I.

Rob and you!

Ssh.

And remember, you swore not a soul.

Of course, I didn't really tell you anyway.

You guessed it. right. Millie.

I was just kidding.

You guessed it!

All right, all right.

I guessed it.

All right.

Listen, I may be crazy, but it seems to me you and Rob

have been married for years.

Not legally.

Since when?

Since always.

Come on, I'll go to school with you,

and tell you about it in the car.

But I don't understand.

In the car.

Well, OK, but you better drive.

You got me so nervous I'd probably kill us both.

Now remember, you must never.

I know, I know.

You and Rob swore, and I guessed.

Right.

Now what is it?

I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.

What?

I lied about my age on my marriage certificate.

How old are you anyway?

[music playing]

Believe me, you guys, I'd like to tell you, but I just can't.

Have something to do with the show?

Please, Buddy.

Oh, it has to do with the show.

I can't say.

Well, if you can't say, it must have

something to do with your show.

No, I can't say because if I say it has nothing

to do with the show, then you're going

to keep right on guessing.

And if you hit it, I'm going to have to lie to you,

and I hate to lie because I giggle, and then you'll know.

Know what?

Please, Buddy, come on.

Let's get to work.

I'm not going to tell you, and that's final.

Hey, Rob, you know, you really want to tell us.

Yeah, you sure do.

How do you figure that?

Ha, we know you pretty good.

And any time that--

Sally, tell them how we figured out.

Well, first of all, if you didn't really want us to know,

you'd have taken the morning off,

and never told us your planned to.

You'd said you had a dental appointment

or that you were taking a dancing lesson.

Or a taxidermy lesson.

Taxidermy lesson.

Sure.

You never know when you might want to stuff an owl.

Sure you do.

Hey, Rob, you know you're dying to tell us,

and you're dying for us to bother you to tell us.

Am I right? - Right.

Right.

Because you see-- I am?

Yes, I'm afraid I can't fight the truth.

Then you're going to tell us?

No, I'm not.

Look, I guess I should have mentioned it earlier,

but Laura and I promised each other we wouldn't tell anybody.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so Rob?

I'm sorry.

Subject is closed, Buddy.

OK.

Very good.

Now let's get down to work.

Where were we?

Well, if it had nothing to do with your show,

and it's very person--

Buddy!

How about if Alan comes out dressed as a Cockney chimney

sweep, but he's getting so fat he can't get down the chimney?

Rob?

Hey, and speaking of fat chimneys.

Rob, may I disturb you for a minute?

A minute with you disturbs me for a month.

[clicking]

What was that?

A clicker.

My therapist suggested it to relieve my inner tensions

brought on by hostile insects.

You ever try rubbing your hind legs together?

[clicking]

Rob, Alan asked me to tell you that the staff meeting

tomorrow will be held in the morning

rather than the afternoon.

Remind me?

This is the first I've heard of it.

Oh, well, then instead of going to your office

just come to his.

Well, I hadn't planned on coming

in tomorrow morning, Mel.

Oh, you mean this week's show is all written?

well, No we were planning on working

late tonight if we had to.

Mel can't Buddy and I go to the meeting for Rob?

Now Sally, you know Alan insists

that the heads of his creative staff be at all those meetings.

How come he lets you in?

Your head isn't creative enough to grow hair.

[clicking]

Rob, what should I tell Alan?

I mean, if you've got a good reason--

I've got a good reason, Mel, but I

can't tell you what it is.

I'll be in tomorrow afternoon.

All right, but you better have a good excuse even

if you have to make one up.

If you want me, you'll know where to find me.

Oh you're going back to that rock?

[clicking]

Rob, I'm leaving Alan to you.

I'm leaving that to the Smithsonian.

I don't care what you leave, just leave.

[clicking rapidly]

Hey, either he's getting rid of a whole lot of hostility

or he just discovered uranium.

Hey, Rob, look if you're not going to tell us what you're

going to do tomorrow, tell us anything

even if you have to lie.

All right, I'll tell you the truth,

but I just told both of you aren't hurt

because you weren't invited. - What?

Where?

Invited to what?

Well, tomorrow morning Laura and I

are going to get all dressed up, and we're going

to drive up to the Bronx Zoo.

The Bronx Zoo?

Yeah, they've-- they've got a 40 foot boa constrictor wrapped

around a telephone pole, and some

of the more prominent citizens have

been invited to the unwinding.

[music playing]

Rich!

Come on, Rich, you're going to be late for school.

Hey, is he still here?

Yeah.

Hey, honey, where's my dark suit?

The dark suit came back from the cleaners,

and I put it in the closet.

OK.

Ritchie!

Honey, would you have been proud of me.

Mel said that Alan would practically go through the roof

if I didn't show up for that meeting in the morning,

and I stood firm, boy.

Oh, good.

Ritchie!

I don't know what's keeping that--

Hi, Mommy.

Well, it's about time.

Now remember, dear, after school you're to go straight

to Millie's house, huh?

OK, but what are you guys going?

Well, I--

Daddy and I have an errand to do

Oh.

Well, aren't you a little late there, Rich?

Well the teachers have a meeting this morning,

and we're supposed to come late.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye.

Of all mornings to have their meeting

they had to have it this morning.

Well, we still have all day.

No we don't, honey.

I've got to be right back to work afterward.

After what?

Ritchie!

Rich, will you go get an education?

Rob, I was counting on your taking the whole day off.

Well, honey, I tried the best I could.

It just turned out to be impossible.

You mean, after the ceremony you're just going to leave me?

I am not going to leave you.

I'll drop you here, and just continue on, that's all.

How romantic.

Well, honey, come on.

It's not like we were really getting married.

Well, that's what we're doing, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

As far as the majority of our 50 states

are concerned we are already married, that's all.

Oh, I know, but it is a ceremony.

And I don't know, I kind of feel like I was getting

married for the first time.

You know, a little nervous, don't you?

Well, I don't know as though I feel nervous.

I do feel something though.

What?

Silly.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way

because I feel like a bride, and I can't help it.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'd love to be able to take you out for the day,

but it's just impossible.

We haven't finished this week's show.

As it is, I'm not going to be able to make that staff

meeting in the morning.

I'm sure that Buddy and Sally would have

been happy to cover for you, especially

for an occasion like this.

Honey, the boss expects--

what do you mean you're sure Buddy and Sally would

have been willing to cover for me on a special occasion

like this?

Wh-- what do you mean?

Are you suggesting that I told Buddy

and Sally about the wedding?

No.

You didn't, did you?

Of course I didn't.

We agreed to keep it a secret, and that's

the way I've kept it.

Well, I'm--

I'm glad, darling.

I'm glad.

Of course it wouldn't be the end of the world if they did know.

I mean after all, they're very trustworthy,

and I'm sure they'd keep our secret.

ROB: Honey, you didn't by any chance

tell somebody about the wedding, did you?

Well, Rob, you and I agreed that it would be very

embarrassing for Rich if he ever found

out that I lied about my age on-- on our marriage

certificate.

I mean, he's much too young to understand

how I felt at the time.

And actually, we are married in most states.

Practically all of them as a matter of fact.

So I'm certainly not anxious for a secret like this to get out.

And the more that I think about it the

happier I am that you didn't tell Alan or Buddy or Sally

about it.

You told Millie.

I didn't tell her.

You didn't tell Millie?

No, I didn't tell.

Now let's get going, darling.

The Justice of the Peace said that the witnesses

would be there at 9:30.

All right, you didn't tell Millie.

Who did you tell?

Rob, you just called me a liar.

I did nothing of the sort.

I simply asked you if you told anybody,

and you answered and said no as if you didn't really mean it.

Now honey, I don't mean to upset you.

Well, you have upset me.

First, you call me a liar.

Then, you're going to drive me up to Greenwich,

Connecticut marry me, and drop me like a hot potato.

I don't think that that's being very considerate.

Laura, I can't help it.

I tried to, but it's impossible.

I happen to have a responsibility to my job.

Now I told you, if you wanted to wait a few weeks,

I'd be able to take a couple of days,

and we could have a second honeymoon.

But you said you were too uncomfortable to wait.

Well, I am.

I don't like this feeling of only

being married in some states.

Will you tell me why you were never uncomfortable before?

Because I never thought of checking with a lawyer like you

did.

Boy, the minute you found out I'd lied about my age,

you were on the phone checking with lawyers

and looking for loopholes.

Honey, let's not get into a thing.

Let's just go get it over with.

I am not getting into a thing.

Well, you're certainly not in a very appropriate

mood for a marriage ceremony.

Oh?

Well, perhaps you would like to crawl

through one of those little loopholes you

and your lawyer discovered.

I am not the one who lied.

I didn't lie.

I didn't tell Millie until she guessed it.

Millie knows.

How dare you call me a liar.

I didn't call you a liar.

You didn't Just say, "honey, I'm not the one who lied?"

You didn't wait for me to finish.

I was about to say I am not the one who lied about my age

on the marriage certificate.

You are calling me a liar.

Well, that's what you are,

Oh!

All right then were.

Who's oh, doggonnit are.

Why you have to go to Millie for?

I told you, she guessed it.

Oh, sure, without the tiniest little bit of a hint from you

I suppose, huh?

And I suppose you didn't give Buddy or Sally the tiniest

little bit of a hint.

What did you tell them?

I told them we were going up to the Bronx Zoo

to unwind a boa constrictor.

Rob, would you like to call off our marriage?

Which one?

Take your pick.

I am not a welcher.

Well, neither am I.

All right then, let's go get married.

OK.

Boy, if we didn't have a son.

If we didn't have a son we wouldn't

have a neighbor that you could blah, blah, blah.

[music playing]

Is that right, Judge?

Yes, thank you.

Good luck and bless you both.

Thank you.

Bye bye to you.

They sure a nice young couple.

Yeah, wasn't she the pretty little thing?

Oh, my, yes.

I'd say they're both about as attractive a young couple

as I've ever married.

Oh, I really enjoy watching these ceremonies.

Yes, they're better than TV or movies.

It's real life happening on the spot, and we are a part of it.

Yes, we are there.

Judge, what number was that couple?

It was 32,491.

Sweetie pie, what number was this for us?

This was our 814 witnessing.

If the railroad had retired you a year earlier,

we could have made it away over the 1,000 mark.

Don't you worry, you keep coming here every week

and you'll hit 10,000.

Well, who are we witnessing next?

Let's see Mr. Robert 'Pee-tree" and his fiancee.

Show them in will you, Donald?

The judge is ready for you, Mr. "Pee-tree."

Oh, yes.

Petrie.

My wife to be is having a little problem.

Excuse us, we'll be all right.

LAURA: Rob, take me home, please, Just take me home,

Will you just do what we came here to do?

Look, if I never marry you again it

will be just fine with me.

Will you please just go in and get married?

Will you please let's just get married.

Hello, I'm Robert Petrie.

This is my wife-to-be Laura.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm Judge Krata.

Judge Crater?

No, not that one.

K-R-A-T-A, Krata.

I should pronounce it Krata, but I

enjoy seeing people's reactions when I say I'm Judge Crater.

Oh, hope we didn't disappoint you.

Not at all.

I'd like you to meet your witnesses.

Donald?

Mr and Mrs. Donald Lucas Parker.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

I'm Robert Petrie, and this is my fiancee Laura.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Oh, just fine, thank you.

And I hope you two young folks will find all the happiness

and contentment that my darling dodo and I have shared.

Thank you.

I hope so for our sakes.

Mr. Parker and I are going to celebrate our wedding

anniversary next month.

I'll wager you can't guess how many years it is.

Oh, well I'm not very good at guessing.

Oh, go on, guess.

Oh, well, 30 years?

30 years.

Did you hear that, Mr. Parker?

30 years.

That last couple guessed 40.

Yeah.

Go on, tell him how long we've been married, Dodo.

Next month Mr. Parker and I will celebrate

five beautiful years together.

Five years.

Our wooden anniversary.

Tell him how you met.

Well, Mr. Parker's first wife and my first husband

passed away on the same day, and were buried in adjoining plots.

The first time I saw my Dodo was at the cemetery.

And the next time was at the prescription

counter at the pharmacy.

We're both suffering from cholesterol.

There's a lot of that going around.

And then three months later, Judge Krata joined our hands

together in holy matrimony.

And right after that, they became my permanent witnesses.

It was very romantic.

Yes.

Well do you two want to join hands and stroll

down life's highway together?

Yeah, I guess so.

You ready, Laura?

Well, we did drive all the way up,

and you are missing a morning's work.

A morning's work?

Oh, yes, my husband's a very important man.

Very busy at the office.

Can't do without him.

I'm very grateful he's giving me this much time.

Are you sure you don't want to think this over,

and come back another time?

Oh, no, no.

We've got to go through with it.

She promised too many of our neighbors

we were getting married today.

I didn't tell.

Don't hand me that.

Where do you want us to stand, Judge?

Now before I begin the ceremony,

I'd like to offer some words of advice if I may.

Would you sit down, please?

Well Judge as my wi--

you fiancee said, I have to get back to work.

What I have to say won't take long.

I don't like to butt in, but I would listen to the judge.

He's a very wise man.

He straightened me out.

Do you have a moment to listen?

I'm listening, Judge.

My children, I don't presume to know anything

about you personally except you seem

rather upset about something.

Now I performed over 32,000 marriage ceremonies.

And beautifully.

Thank you.

And I daresay some of those unions turned out disastrously,

but I made it a rule never to prejudge any couple's chances

for a successful marriage.

And I have never ever refused to marry

anyone who came into this room.

Oh good.

Then let's get on with it.

Until today.

Huh?

Are you refusing to marry us?

I'm afraid so.

My conscience won't allow me to wield two

such apparent mismated souls.

That's the way he is.

I refuse to send you into a life of certain unhappiness

and possible misery.

He straightened me out.

Well, you can't mean that.

Would that I didn't.

Well, Judge you got to marry us.

JUDGE: My conscience won't allow it.

But we love each other, honest we do.

Yeah, well, more than any couple we know.

I mean, we're really in love.

We're a great couple.

I've known this man for years, and I just

couldn't dream of spending my life without him.

Me neither.

I'd die without this girl.

I'm sorry.

And he really is.

Rob!

Judge, look, if you don't marry us,

we're just going to drive on up the road

till we find somebody else who will.

I mean, if I got to go clear to Canada, I will.

Nobody's going to tell me that we aren't meant for each other

after all these years.

But, darling, if we have to go further Upstate,

you'll miss the whole day's work.

Who cares?

If a guy can't marry his own--

who can get married?

Rob, do you mean that about missing the whole days work?

If I can find somebody to take care of Rich,

I would take the whole weekend.

Rich?

Yeah.

Our oh-- our--

our dog. - My dog.

- My dog. - His dog.

Her dog.

I gave it to him.

I bought it for her.

We've got a dog.

Rob, do you mean you'd take the whole weekend?

Huh.

Does that answer your question?

Well, Millie does know about us,

and I think she'd be happy to watch Rich.

How does it, Judge Krata?

You going to marry us or we got to go find a real one?

Your witnesses just outvoted me.

Dodo, put on the music.

Now, can you--

you stand over here, please?

Yeah.

The man is on the right.

Oh, gee, I forgot.

I mean, I didn't know.

Well, 32,493 coming up.

Will you join hands?

All right, Mrs. Parker.

[music playing]

Dearly beloved, by the powers vested

in me by the state of Connecticut,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Lovely.

Loveliest wedding I've ever seen.

Next to ours.

Well Judge, thank you very much.

I'm sorry we had to practically force you to marry us.

I'm glad you did because I can see

in the way you two just kissed, you're a real match set.

That's just what he told Mr Parker and me,

and he certainly was right there.

You can say that again, Dodo.

Well, darling, I guess we better be on our way.

Judge, is there--

any kind of little lakeside resort nearby?

As many as you want.

I highly recommend Honeymoon Haven.

It's only 28 miles from here.

They have a great rumba band.

Well, honey what do you say?

I say you're very sweet and thoughtful,

but you're going down to your office where you're needed.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, and we promised to take Ritchie to the movies.

Of course.

Thanks anyway, Judge.

Take care.

Thank you very much.

Good luck

We just enjoyed it.

I don't understand young folks.

Even at my age, I'd still rather go on a honeymoon

than take a dog to the movies.

[music playing]

[theme song]