The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 24 - The Sam Pomerantz Scandals - full transcript

[theme song]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show" starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

It's a beautiful resort.

Look, Rob, we've only got one week off,

and I want to make sure I'm going to have some fun.

Now what kind of facilities do they have at this place?

You name it. What do you want?

A justice of the peace, a bungalow for bachelors.

That kind of facilities.



Look, my friend Sam tells me the place

is loaded with single men.

Oh, loaded single men.

That's the best kind.

OK, I'll go.

Oh, good.

How about you, Buddy?

- Eh, I don't know. - Oh, come on.

It'll be fun.

It's the opening week of a brand new hotel,

and you're going to be doing an old army

buddy of mine a big favor.

Look, you all know Sam, and he really needs us up there.

Yeah, I guarantee you're going to have a ball.



It's a big hotel.

You won't even have to socialize with each other.

OK, you got me.

And you'll be with your wives.

You just lost me.

Come on, Buddy.

OK, we'll go.

ROB: Oh, good.

Hey, say this is a nice place.

I hope the food is as good as the furniture.

If you don't like the food, eat the furniture.

It's a lovely place all right.

It looks like they're a bit short on bellboys.

Welcome, welcome!

Hi, Rob!

Sam, how are you?

How are you?

Nice to see you.

Yeah, I think you know everybody.

Gang, this is my old army buddy, Sam Pomerantz,

the owner of the hotel. LAURA: Hi, Sam.

Are you the owner?

Or is this the whole hotel?

Hey, Sam, is Danny Brewster appearing here at night?

Yes, he is.

Danny Brewster appears day and night.

Tada! [all exclaiming]

How are you Buddy?

BUDDY: Danny, how are you?

Hey, what time's the show go on? - Right now.

BUDDY: Yeah? - Hey, listen, you can help me.

I want to rehearse for my opening tonight.

I'll tell you what.

I'm going to impersonate anybody in the whole world

as long as it's on this card, all right?

BUDDY: Read them off? - Just read them right off.

BUDDY: All right, Eliot Ness.

OK.

All right, Netty, I want to be your friend.

I'd like to help you if you'll give me that gun.

[imitates gun shots]

All right, just for that, I'm not going to help you.

That's good, Jack E. Leonard.

Jack E. Leonard. (IMITATING JACK E. LEONARD) Good evening,

opponents.

I want to say that my wife goes to bed every night

with mud on her face. Mud, mud, mud.

I say, goodnight, swamp.

Bobby Darin.

Bobby Darin.

Dean Martin.

Dean Martin. (IMITATING DEAN MARTIN)

Oh, ain't that a kick in the head? (HICCUP) Oh.

Ed Wynn.

Ed Wynn. (LAUGHS)

BUDDY: Jack Parr.

(CRIES)

Jack Benny.

Jack Benny. (IMITATES JACK BENNY) Well.

Shelly Berman. (IMITATES SHELLY BERMAN)

Coffee, tea, or man?

Crazy Guggenheim.

Crazy Guggenheim. (IMITATES CRAZY GUGGENHEIM)

I was just hanging around.

I wasn't doing nothing.

Just hanging around.

BUDDY: Say, Danny, how about JFK, the president.

The president, JFK.

(IMITATING JFK) You dirty rat.

You're the guy that gave it to my brother.

Not Cagney, Kennedy.

My brother Bobby--

my brother Bobby says that half this nation voted for me,

and half this nation voted for my opponent,

which goes to prove he who gets the last half gets

the last laugh.

Oh, yes, madam, yes?

Mr. President, can you do an impersonation of a bellboy

taking our bags up to our room?

Yeah, how about it?

(IMITATING JFK) Let--

me make a judgment on that.

If you will all lift up your own bags with courage and vigor,

and follow the Kennedy of your choice,

we'll move onward to the new frontier, and your rooms.

Thank you and good afternoon.

[applause]

BUDDY: Come on, let's go.

Hey, we're the first ones down.

Well, what say we go out on the court and start volleying?

Honey, let's wait for the real tennis players.

Well, thank you, Poncho.

Well, honey, we're only gonna be here a few days.

I want to get in a few fast volleys before you and I--

Who are you going to play with?

Well, I think between Mel and Buddy,

I can get a good workout.

Tallyho!

Well, I hope Mel can play.

Lead me to the tennis field.

The tennis field?

Yeah, been a long time since I used this old mallet of mine.

Can I see your mallet?

Sure.

It's a beauty.

Hey, what'd you do?

You took it apart.

I just took the cover off, Buddy.

Just took the cover off?

Now it's no good anymore.

I'm just kidding.

I just brought it along for a laughs.

Beauty isn't it? - Hi, Mar.

Hi, Sally.

Hi.

Well?

Sometimes it's best not to say anything.

Oh, could I have my tennis ball back, please?

Can't you children play someplace else?

Sally, aren't you going to play tennis?

Only as a last resort.

And I think here comes mister last resort himself.

- Oh, Mel? - Yeah.

- Hey, how about some tips? - Oh, I love to.

Good, let's go.

Yeah, right after my bossanova lesson.

Well, honey, I guess it looks like you and me.

Fine.

Right after my bossanova lesson.

[bell rings]

Hi, Rob.

What can I do for you?

Sam, can you get me a tennis partner?

Well, I can sure try.

I'll call up a pro.

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, hi Rob.

Hey, Sam, can I get my key?

Never mind, Sam.

Boy, that's what I call a service.

Come on, Danny, you and me, and we're

going to play some tennis.

Oh, Rob, I just played two sets.

Really, you better get yourself another partner.

There isn't another partner east of Wimbledon.

Rob, I'm pooped.

I got to beg off.

Oh, come on, just-- just one set.

- I can't. - A game?

- Really, I-- - Will you volley?

A serve?

Will you jump over the net, and shake my hand?

Rob, I'm too tired to even walk to the water cooler.

Rob, Rob, don't make him play.

He's got to do a show for me tonight.

Well, one game's not going to do any harm.

I tell you what, Danny.

I'll make a deal with you.

If you'll volley with me for 15 minutes,

I'll write you five new jokes.

How about 10 minutes for 10 jokes?

You got a deal.

Let's go.

Danny, be careful.

Rob, don't knock out my comedian.

[music playing]

Hey, Sam, how's it going, army buddy?

Oh, fine, Rob, fine.

Say how did the tennis game go?

Oh, great.

Just-- just great.

Say Sam, who else is on the bill tonight besides Danny Brewster?

No one.

He's a whole show in himself.

Oh, yeah.

Sam, you know-- you remember back in the old army days

we used to do that Laurel and Hardy impression?

Oh, who could forget that?

Sam, you know what I was thinking?

No, what?

Wouldn't it be fun tonight, just

for old time's sake, if you and I, on the show,

did the Laurel and Hardy bit?

You're kidding.

No, I really mean it.

The guests would be very impressed with you.

You know what else I could do?

I could get Sally maybe to get up and sing a couple of songs,

get Buddy up to tell some jokes, and maybe I

could get Laura to do one of the old soft shoes with us.

Oh, would you?

Listen, I'd love to.

What do you say?

I don't know what to say.

It's sensational.

You know, with a show like this we

don't even need Danny Brewster.

Sam, I'm very happy to hear you say that.

Why?

I-- I just had a hard overhand smash to Danny's mouth.

You did what?

Sam, did you know his front teeth are capped?

You mean they--

they fell off?

Yeah, and he-- he stepped on them.

My, where is he now?

Well, he's speeding to the nearest dentist.

And it had to be on an opening night.

Look, Sam, don't worry about a thing.

We're going to take care of you.

Look, you just get the band in the casino right now.

OK, OK.

But what are you going to do?

I'm going to try and talk my friends

into giving up their vacations.

[music playing]

(SINGING) I want to be around to pick up the pieces

when somebody breaks your heart.

When somebody twice as smart as I. As somebody

who will swear to be true.

Like you used to do with me.

Who'll leave you to learn that misery loves company.

Wait and see.

I want to be around to see how she does it

when she breaks your heart to bits.

Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine.

And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet

as I sit there applauding from a front row

seat when somebody breaks your heart like you broke mine.

I want to be around to see how she does it

when she breaks your heart to bits.

Let's see if the puzzle fits so fine.

And that's what I'll discover that revenge is sweet

as I sit there applauding from my front row seat

when somebody breaks your heart like you broke mine.

[audience applause]

BUDDY: Hey folks, my name is Buddy Sorrell.

Now Sam Pomerantz asked me to welcome you

here to a little sanitarium where the--

well, the food is untouched by human hands.

The chef is an armadillo.

And he said to remember no matter

how tough the steaks are, you can always

stick a fork in the gravy.

Hey, do you like the place?

Look around.

It was done by Frank Lloyd Wrong.

It's got a kind of early forget it,

but the rooms are beautiful.

The rooms are lovely.

I got a room with an adjoining.

I don't know what it's adjoining.

I can't get the door open.

Hey, it's homey.

Did you notice little signs over the beds.

It says sleep here and the angels watch over you.

A couple of them bit me.

My wife's here tonight, and she had just

came from the beauty parlor.

Had her head pumped up.

It's very hard to get around.

You know, somebody gave her a lovely gift.

A big carton of steel wool.

She's been staying home knitting a foreign car.

Well, and she's a doll.

And let me tell you something, the world's worst cook.

The worst.

One night she says to me, how do you fix frankfurters?

I says, I don't know.

I guess the same way you fix fish.

She said, I tried it.

Once you clean out those weenies, there's nothing left.

And she's a doll.

And I never saw anybody actually eat like this.

One night she dreamed that she ate an eight pound marshmallow.

Woke up the next day, half the pillow was gone.

All right, honey. OK.

I better get down there before you eats the table.

Thanks, folks.

[applause]

[music playing]

BOTH: (SINGING) Nothing could be finer than to be

in Carolina in the morning.

No one could be sweeter than my sweetie

when I need her in the morning.

Where the morning glory--

--wind around your door--

BOTH: --whispering pretty stories.

I long to hear once more.

Strolling with my girly where the dew

is pearly early in the morning.

Butterflies all flutter up and kiss each little buttercup

at dawning.

BOTH: If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day,

I would make a wish.

Here's what I'd say.

Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning.

If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day, I'd make a wish

and here's what I'd say.

Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina.

Nothing could be fine than to be in Carolina in the morning.

In the morning.

[applause]

[whistles]

[music playing]

All right, Stanley, sit down.

There's no chair there.

What were you sitting on?

Your hat.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Oh!

Are you all right?

Why don't you stop that?

Now get a chair, and sit down.

[loud clatter]

Now remember, when the waiter comes,

don't order anything because you only

have enough money for one meal.

So I'll order, and then we'll split it.

Right, Stanley?

That's right, Ollie.

You-- you do have a dollar, don't you, Stanley?

I certainly do.

Well, then let me see.

Say, Ollie, can I stand up?

Of course you can stand up.

I can't find it.

What did you do with it, Stanley?

Well, I don't remember.

I forgot.

Well, then think.

Say, Ollie, what was I thinking about?

The dollar!

Did you look in your hat?

Is that it?

OLLIE: Yes, that's it.

Now just hold onto it.

You gents ready to order?

We certainly are.

Yes, we certainly are.

I'd like a nice thick steak smothered with onions,

sweet potatoes, turnip greens.

Waiter, cancel that order.

I will have the blue plate special

with a sarsaparilla float.

And some tutti-frutti ice cream.

My friend just wants water.

He's on a diet.

Say, Ollie, what time is it?

Why, it's just about a quarter--

Oh, Stanley, what time do you have?

Well, just about a--

SALLY: Cigarette, cigarette, chewing gum, nuts.

Good evening, madam.

What is your name?

Alice.

My mother's name was Alice.

No, it wasn't.

It was Sarah.

That was my mother's second name on my father's side.

Say, have you got any tutti-frutti chewing gum?

I certainly do, and that'll be 5 cents, please.

Keep the change.

Lovely child.

Stanley, do you know what you just did?

You nincompoop!

What are you doing giving away our last dollar?

It's the only thing we had for a meal.

I'm sorry, Ollie.

Ow!

I'm sorry, Ollie. I didn't--

Give me my hat.

But she was such a pretty lady.

Here hold my hat.

Now give me yours.

Say, what are you going to do, Ollie?

I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Why don't you put some peas in it?

That's a good idea.

Hello again, big boy.

Would you like to go dancing?

I certainly would.

Here, let me hold your tray for you while you change.

Stanley, I'm going dancing.

Put my hat on my head.

But Ollie--

Put my hat on my head.

You're going to be awful mad at me.

Oh!

[applause]

I thought that was mine.

I didn't know it was yours.

Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into.

You--

[music playing]

(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.

We practice every day.

And people come from miles around just to hear me play.

My trumpet, my trumpet, they love to hear my trumpet.

[vocalizes]

(SINGING) I am a fine musician decision, and I get lots of pay

because people throw me money every time I play.

My tuba, my tuba, I love to play my tuba.

[vocalizes]

[both vocalize]

(SINGING) I am a fine musician.

My music is so gay, and everybody

dances when they hear me play.

My trombone, my trombone, they love to hear my trombone.

[vocalizes]

[both men vocalize]

[all three vocalize]

(SINGING) I am a fine musician,

that's what the people say.

And all the children follow me when they hear me play.

My piccolo, my piccolo, they love to hear my piccolo.

[vocalizes]

[rob and laura vocalize]

[rob, laura, and buddy vocalize]

[all vocalize]

(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.

We practice every day.

And if you'd like to join us, we'll show you the way.

Come join us, come join us, take a part and join us.

[vocalizing]

[applause]

Sam Pomerantz, come on out here.

[whistles]

Sam!

[music playing]

[theme song]