The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 23 - Give Me Your Walls - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Why in the heck can't I draw horses?

[laughs]

Oh, boy.

Maybe I can get it before it dries.

Oh, boy.

I wonder if that pen's--

indelible laundry marking ink.



That won't help.

Ink eradicator, ink eradicator, where's the ink eradicator?

Oh, boy, I hope this'll work.

This oughta do it.

Ah, yeah.

It'll dry lighter.

Oh, boy.

Maybe there's some more paint in the garage.

Oh, I hope so.

Daddy!

Daddy!

Ritchie, have you seen daddy?

Ritchie!

I didn't do it.



Well if you didn't, young man, then who did?

Maybe daddy did.

Richard R. Petrie, it is one thing to do something naughty,

but then to put the blame on someone

else, and your own father.

That I will not tolerate.

I am very angry with you, Ritchie, now go to your room.

But mommy, I didn't do it.

Go to your room.

I didn't do it.

Your father will deal with you later.

I'll deal with him now.

Honey, apologize to the boy.

But he just--

I just.

You just?

I just.

And I--

That's unjust.

Honey, I did it with my little laundry marking pen.

Oh, Ritchie, darling, come here.

Mommy's sorry, sweetheart.

Look, how about a box of cookies?

The whole box?

Yep.

Just for being innocent?

Oh, boy.

Well, thank goodness we have a forgiving child.

He takes after his mommy.

You want me to forgive you?

Well, I would like you to forgive me, rather

than have a lot of screaming.

Robert, how did you manage to mess my beautiful wall?

Honey, 95% of the beautiful wall

is still beautiful and clean.

Now I'm gonna have to have the whole room repainted,

and we just had it done.

You're gonna do the whole wall for one little spot?

Well, of course, there's no other way.

Honey, that's like washing a whole shirt because the collar

and cuffs are dirty.

Rob, we do that.

You do that, you're not gonna throw

a whole room in the washing machine or something are you?

No.

Well, you just help me move this furniture

and I'm gonna just repaint the collar and the cuffs,

that's all.

Don't say anything sweetheart, I'll paint your face.

All right.

Do we have any more of this paint?

Can we get any more of this paint?

The painter mixed it specially.

Any more bright ideas?

Yeah, I have.

I have got a bright idea and I'd like

to see you pooh-pooh this one.

What is it?

We call a painter and let him do it, huh?

Brilliant.

And I didn't have faith in you.

What was the painter's name, honey, Mullen?

Mm-hmm, but you won't get him, darling.

Millie tried to get him last week,

and he's going to be busy for a month and a half.

Oh, boy.

Were you here when that cute little

Italian guy came by looking for work wallpapering and painting?

Yes, I was.

Well, he left a card, did you keep it?

Of course.

You know I'm a card saver.

You save the nuttiest things, paper, cards, string.

What do you want me to save?

Why don't you try money.

Give me some of them.

There you go.

Fertilizer, insurance, fertilizer--

Insurance, veterinarian.

Fertilizer, fertilizer.

Plumber, veterinarian.

We attract a lot of fertilizer salesmen.

Let's see, retail store.

Fabrics, contractor--

Piano tuner.

LAURA: --upholstery, tailors.

Go directly to jail.

Do not collect $200.

Insurance.

Tree surgery, insurance.

- Real estate. - Here it is, I found it, honey,

Beauty salon, leather goods--

You can stop, I got it.

--carpets, car rental.

Who can stop?

I'm all wound up.

Welding, insurance, antiques.

OK, here it is, Vito Giotto, master painter,

Rome, Florence, Brooklyn.

Are you sure this is the man?

Yeah, I remember laughing at that, "Give me your walls."

How do we know he's any good?

Well, he's got a sense of humor.

You know, how bad can he be?

Well, you've got a sense of humor, darling,

and I wouldn't recommend you to paint fences.

I'll paint your face.

Hello, is Mr. Vito Giotto there, please?

[doorbell rings]

I got it, honey.

- Mr. Petrie? - Yeah.

Vito Giotto.

Oh, yeah, won't you come in?

Yes, thank you very much.

Honey, Mr. Giotto is here.

Who?

Oh, Signor Giotto.

How do you do?

Always I do well because I do only what pleases me.

Well, this is the room we want it done.

Ah, yes, it's very lovely, very lovely.

[speaking italian]

Mamma mia!

How long this will have been sick?

Only-- only-- oh, only since this afternoon.

Ah, good, we can still save it.

Everything is gonna be all right.

Oh, excuse me, I disturb you.

You were gonna have a cup of coffee, eh?

- Oh, no. - Oh, that's all right.

Oh no, it's not all right.

No, I feel bad.

See, Signor, you have a cup of coffee, eh?

I examine the wall.

Please, Signor, please.

I-- please.

Thank you.

You got the sugar and the coffee all right?

- Yes. - Very good, all right.

(SINGING) Cha, cha, cha.

Hmm.

Mr. and Mrs. Petrie, I got to tell you something.

You got the most beautiful, the most beautiful walls.

Mm!

Thank you.

No, no, no, I thank you.

In fact, I would consider it an honor--

not an honor, a privilege if you would

allow the brusher Vito Giotto to caress these magnificent walls.

Please, give me your walls.

Well, take 'em.

Signor Giotto?

Si, Signora.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

You are very kind, thank you.

Rob, would you help me get the cup.

Oh, yeah, yeah, honey.

I'll, uh-- Sit down, Mr. Giotto.

Honey, what do you want?

You gave him the job.

Well, he seems to know what he's doing.

And he loves our walls.

Did you see the way he's caressing those walls?

I saw.

I think he's a nut.

Van Gogh was a nut, he did pretty good work.

Rob, he didn't say anything about how

much the job will cost.

Well, honey, how much is he gonna charge us for one room.

That's exactly the question you should have asked him.

Well, he doesn't look like the kind of a guy who's

gonna take advantage of us.

Not that cup, darling, it's chipped.

Rob, did you notice how he's dressed?

Well, what's that got to do with anything?

Those are very expensive looking clothes he has on.

Where did he get the money for those clothes?

Over-charging?

That'd be my guess.

Rob, I think we ought to get an estimate.

You want me to ask him how much he's gonna charge?

No, I think I'd better do it.

Why, you think I'm not capable of saying,

"how much is that, sir?"

Oh, very.

You're just not capable of saying, "I'm sorry, sir,

I think that's too much."

What do you take me for?

A man who can be taken.

Darling, you are very squeamish when it comes to money matters.

You're a pushover for a good sales pitch.

I suppose you think you can do it better.

I know I can.

Or don't you remember what we almost paid for this house?

Yeah, you go ahead and take over.

Signor Petrie, excuse my inquisitive,

but what do you use on this wall to make

this very original splotch?

Ink eradicator.

That's very creative.

Signor Giotto.

Call me Vito.

Vito, do you look for this to be a very big job?

Big job?

Well, you see, we're having a dinner party soon.

- When? - Uh, three days.

Uh, two weeks.

Two weeks and three days.

That gives me plenty of time to finish the job.

And how much do you think it will all cost?

You mean how much I'm going to charge

you to paint the whole room?

Yes, how much?

Same color?

Yes.

The whole walls and the ceiling too?

Yes.

Everything?

I see, and the bricks--

No, don't touch the bricks.

No, I won't touch the bricks.

You tell me don't touch the bricks,

I won't touch the bricks!

I figure out in a minute what [inaudible]

It's this one wall here.

No touch the bricks.

That's all right.

It's one or two or three window.

The boo-boo is gonna have two coats, huh?

Well, I would say that it would cost you

not too much, not too little.

An amount that will satisfy both the patron and the artist.

I see, but couldn't you give us a--

You want the price now?

Well, at least an estimate.

Signora, I want you to have a little trust in me

because Vito Giotto never cheated anyone before

and I don't think I'm going to start

to cheat now for one so lovely, so

beautiful, so charming as you.

You want me to start tomorrow morning?

Yes, that would be--

Rob, would that be all right?

Oh, fine, fine with me, honey, fine.

Would you like some coffee, Vito?

Uh, thank you very much, but I have to go.

I have to start the work tomorrow

morning at a very important job, oh so very important, yes.

I'm going to work for a very lovely young couple.

And I'll see you tomorrow morning, yeah?

Arrivederci.

Oh, wall, everything's gonna be fine!

Well, what would you have done?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, he could have stood here

and kissed my hand from today 'til tomorrow and I would have

still got a price in writing.

That's what I would have done.

You think he's gonna take us?

I don't know, honey.

But I want you to remember something,

I wear the pants in the family.

Well, I'll wear the important pants of the family.

I wear the family leadership, decision making pants.

Now, will you try to remember that from now on?

Yes, darling.

[knocking]

Knocking on doors at 5 o'clock in the morning.

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Buongiorno, signor, buongiorno.

Good morning.

What time is it?

It's 5:30.

5:30 in the morning?

Oh, yes, yes.

That's when most artists are the most creative.

- What are you gonna do? - Huh?

What are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna prepare the wall.

See, I'm gonna put the furniture right

in the middle of the room.

Then I'm gonna-- then--

You're not up yet.

But I think you better go back to bed,

and then I talk to you after.

OK?

All right?

And I promise you I'm gonna be quiet like a rat.

Rats at 5:30 in the morning.

Where's the master?

Well, I don't know.

He said he was gonna be quiet as a rat,

maybe he's in the wall someplace.

Well, he certainly didn't get much

done in three hours, did he?

Mom?

Why didn't you get references?

Why didn't you get an estimate?

Let's have some breakfast.

All right.

I wonder where he's hiding?

Somebody has been cooking in my kitchen.

Somebody has been sitting in my chair.

And somebody's been drinking out of my cup.

Well, Signor Giotto certainly feels right at home here,

doesn't he?

French toast, link sausage, coffee.

Honey, I'm gonna have a little talk with our master painter.

I'd rather live with a splotch on the wall than be taken.

[vocalizing]

Oh, buongiorno, signor.

Signora, buongiorno. - Good morning.

Good morning.

I hope you're not mad at me for messing up your kitchen,

huh?

Mommy, Vito makes better French toast than you do.

No, that's not true, no, only that it's a little different,

that's all.

You gotta remember this, Ritchie, and never forget,

nobody, not nobody is a cook like a mama.

You do!

Did you cook breakfast for Ritchie?

Yes, Mr. Petrie, you see, at 7 o'clock this morning,

the boy come and he say I'm hungry, I'm gonna wake up mama.

And I said no, Ritchie, no.

I tell you this and never forget,

you never wake up mama, especially when she's sleeping.

So Vito make the breakfast.

Excuse me.

And after he did some magic tricks.

He can make a bird disappear.

Show 'em, Vito.

No, no, no.

Not now.

But I would like to make for you some French toast,

Italian style, eh?

No garlic.

Garlic in-- [laughs].

Garlic in the French toast!

Whoever heard of the garlic in the French toast!

In coffee, yes.

I fool you.

Ha ha, yeah, I fool you.

You know, the whole secret is two dash of vanilla

extract inside, that's all.

May I?

Well, I guess so.

Everybody outside of my kitchen, please, outside.

I'll just check on Ritchie.

Five days, five days.

You know something, this is getting to be madness.

He hasn't put the first coat on this room yet.

Rob, why didn't you talk to him about it this afternoon?

Honey, I was going to.

He said he was going to work late tonight,

he sneaked out on me.

I'll talk to him in the morning if I get the chance.

He's a very busy man.

Yeah, he's busy.

He's busy painting Ritchie's room and the basement,

every room but this.

Boy, why you let him paint those rooms, I'll never know.

Let him? Who let him?

He'd be gone now if you hadn't let him do all that cooking.

I've got to get him out of here.

I've got to get him out of here.

Why did you let him paint those rooms?

Honey, don't turn out the light.

I don't want to find the TV listings.

Well, you heard him, he said Ritchie

wanted to learn to paint so he painted Ritchie's room.

Well, they didn't need repainting.

Five days, I could have bought a roller

and done this over the weekend myself.

He must take us for fools.

He's also taking us for a lot of money.

Yeah, that's right.

He's also moving in, honey.

You gave him your kitchen.

Well, you gave him the key to the front door.

I don't want to get up at 5:30 every morning

and open the door for him.

Honey, we're stuck. You know what it is?

It's squatters rights.

He's painted Ritchie's room, he's painted the basement,

we now have to give him whatever he asks.

Here it is.

Rob, you know what I wish you'd do?

What?

Something, anything.

I'll do something.

I'll do something.

I'll get that Neapolitan da Vinci out of here

by tomorrow night if I have to throw him out bodily.

Good.

Stay in this mood and catch him when he comes in.

I can't.

Why not?

Well, he keeps telling me I'm the nicest man he ever met.

I know, he tells me that too.

He told me that I looked like a young priest that hid him

out in the basement during the war

when the Nazis were after him.

Do you believe him?

I don't know, but he's got me buffaloed.

Darn it, how can you kick a guy out that

says you look like a priest?

You mean you're not going to get rid of him?

I'm going to get rid of him.

Oh, Rob, you'll never do it.

I will do it.

You hold me to it.

If I don't do it--

you make me-- I'll promise I'll sleep right on this couch

for the next three months.

You get him out of here.

VITO: Angelou, it's me, Vito.

Imbecile!

Your brother.

You bring 10 gallons of flat eggshell white paint.

Take your time, honey.

I'll put the coff--

Hi, daddy.

Can I have my break--

Darling, what were you saying?

It's all done.

Beautifully, too.

Does that mean that Vito won't be coming back any more?

Well, I guess so, Rich.

Ah, that's a gyp.

Where are you going, dear?

I'm gonna go tell Freddy.

He's gonna be mad.

What do you know about this?

Old Vito came through after all.

And he did a good job, too.

He sure did.

It's beautiful.

I wonder what he charges for all night painting.

Probably double time.

I wouldn't doubt it.

[interposing voices]

Good morning, Vito.

- Oh, good morning. - Buongiorno.

Mr. Petrie, this is the key, eh.

Oh, thank you.

You are very pleased with your new walls?

Oh, they're gorgeous.

Are they not?

I want you to know that I painted them

with love and with paint too.

The most expensive paint that money can buy.

Yeah, I'll bet.

How much do we owe you, Vito?

You are completely satisfied with the job?

Well, it's a wonderful job.

Good.

Well, this is my price.

What?

I added incorrectly?

Added incorrectly?

Signor Giotto, this is ridiculous.

I don't think so.

Do you mean to tell me that $500 is your price?

I am an artist and this is a Giotto original.

You expect $500?

That's my price.

But this is what I expect.

That?

Oh, you're joking.

You can't be serious.

Well, that couldn't cover any more than the paint

and maybe one day's labor.

That's true.

I spent here five days, I know, but I got so much in return.

Yes, five days, had the most happy talk

with the most happy people.

In five days, mamma mia, the most delicious food

I've eaten in my life.

You're very kind, but you did most of the cooking.

Yes, I know.

I bet that you think I stay here too long because I want to make

it look like a big job, eh?

Oh.

Oh, no.

Just a little bit?

Just a little bit, yeah.

Well, I want to tell you something,

I stay here because I received so much in return.

Well, this is the way I live.

This is the way I do business.

I bet you think I'm a little cuckoo, eh?

No, not at all.

I think it's a wonderful way to do business.

Not always I like to stay for five days in one room,

oh no, in some house.

I like to do five rooms in one day.

That's pretty fast.

You think that's fast?

In Italy, I was working for Mussolini.

The whole palace-- one hour.

Well, listen how about Ritchie's room

and the whole basement?

I do that to teach the boy.

Well, can't we pay you for your time?

No, no.

For the paint?

Yes, yes.

Well, thank you so much for your patience.

And now I go.

Arrivederci.

Well, wait a minute, Vito.

Don't you want me to make out a check for you?

Oh, no.

No, you don't want to be paid?

Yes, on Saturday.

Oh, yes.

You see, I promised Ritchie and the gang

that I'm gonna come back and make a little magic show

for them, you know? - Oh, good.

Well, when you come back, Vito, would you

mind touching up that black splotch over there

on the baseboard.

Oh no.

I no touch your brick, and you no know my splotch.

That's my signature.

He did, he signed it, Vito Giotto.

[laughter]

CHILDREN: More!

Do more!

No more, no more for now.

I will come back some other day.

And I visit you and I promise to do more things, all right?

And now I want you to go to the refrigerator

and see what I bring for you, Italian spumoni.

Ice cream.

[cheering]

[inaudible]

Vito, thank you so much.

We really enjoyed it.

Not as much as I enjoy it, signora.

Thank you so much for having me.

Vito, if there's ever anything we can do for you.

Now that you mention it, yes, there is one thing.

What is it?

I don't know how to say it, but if you would do it,

I would think of you kindly always

What is it?

Pay me.

Oh.

There you are.

You--

[laughs]

[music playing]

[theme music]