The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 6 - Too Many Stars - full transcript
In avoiding head councilwoman Mrs. Billings, Rob thinks he's finally gotten away from directing this year's New Rochelle Parents Council's annual variety show that he's done for the past several years. He doesn't mind directing or performing in the show but hates the audition process as Laura is the only really talented woman in the community and Rob doesn't like telling the other women that his wife, once again, has the lead in the show, but Mrs. Billings does eventually catch up with him, thanks to Laura, who likes that inside edge of having a husband who makes the casting decisions. It ends up being even more important this year as Buddy and Sally are providing material for the show - a musical comedy originally written for Alan Brady (who'll never do it since the lead role is for a female). Presuming she'll get the lead role as usual, Laura doesn't count on the fact that people with talent can sometimes move into new neighborhoods. Such is the case, leaving Rob, as director, to decide whether to cast Anita Lebost, the talented newcomer to the neighborhood, or his wife, who had always just assumed the role was going to be hers, till Anita came along.
[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
There they are, folks--
Pancho Gonzalez and Helen Wills Moody.
Oh no.
Oh boy.
This is going to be a productive day.
I can just feel it. - Yeah.
Buddy's right.
Hey, come on, fellas.
What do you say we get to work?
I got a very important "if date."
And "if date"?
Yeah.
If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.
Come on.
Now, let's get to work. Now, come on.
Will you please?
How about-- how about a husband and wife sketch?
We haven't done one in a long time.
I have nothing against those, but this time I'd
like one based on the truth.
I don't want any more of those sketches
about Alan waking up in the morning
and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
That's the truth.
That happened to me.
Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
Oh, did you ever see my wife in the morning?
[phone ringing]
I keep yelling at her.
Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy.
[laughs]
Hi, Marge.
Mrs. Billings.
What's she doing down here?
Who's Mrs. Billings?
She wants me to direct the Parents
Council Show again this year, and I've
been ducking her for weeks.
What'll I do with her?
Well, don't look at me.
I'm not a parent or a council.
Hey, Marge.
Tell her anything, but get rid of her, will you?
I just don't want to talk to that--
[nervous laugh] Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, Mr. Petrie.
What?
What?
I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
Apologize for what?
For what they're doing to you.
Oh, I know you must be a very busy man,
and I really shouldn't come barging in like this.
But I wanted you to hear it from me personally.
What is it, Mrs. Billings?
Well, you know that every year you've
been directing our community show,
and you've done such a superb job.
Well, this year, without even consulting me,
one of the other ladies on the committee
gave the job to somebody else.
Why, I think that's terrible.
Oh, I knew you'd feel that way.
Believe me.
I'd have given anything to have spared you this humiliation.
Well, Mrs. Billings, all of us need a little emotional rubbish
from time to time.
I'll muddle through somehow.
Oh, you're so wonderful to take it that way.
Goodbye, Mr. Petrie.
Goodbye, whoever you are.
[laughing]
[bangs piano keys]
Hey, Rob.
I-- I hate to bother you in this moment of sorrow.
Oh, I am so happy not to be doing that show.
Why? Gee.
It sounds like fun directing one of those community show.
You know, fix those lights.
Pull that curtain.
Have that good-looking girl go to my office.
I don't mind directing.
I don't mind producing.
I don't mind performing.
I don't mind they use my furniture
for the sets every year.
What I hate are those auditions.
Well, what's wrong with auditions?
You might find another Monroe Diefendorf.
I never heard of Monroe Diefendorf.
See, if you find one, you'll have one.
If I could just find one a little
bit of talent in that neighborhood besides Laura.
She's the only professional in the whole group,
and each year she ends up with the lead.
So what's the problem?
Everyone else's wife.
They all think they have talent, and they
think I'm playing favorites.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Hey, this year, just for a change,
why don't you have Laura not play the lead?
Sure.
Then you can sleep in the garage.
[chuckles] Oh, boy.
This is the first time in three whole years that I am free.
Mr. Petrie.
They cannot do this to you.
Who can't do what, Mrs. Billings?
Having somebody else direct, indeed.
How ungrateful can they be?
They're not. They're not.
Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it.
Oh, let them. Let them.
I'll get even some other way.
No, no, no, no.
I will assume all the responsibility.
Robert Petrie, you are our director.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
It's unfair.
No.
Some way somehow I will get rid of that other man.
Oh, you can't do that to him.
He's a director.
He has feelings.
Oh, he's not a director.
He's a dry cleaner.
Mrs. Billings, even dry cleaners have feelings.
Well, that's show business.
Robert Petrie, you will be directing our shows as
long as there's a New Rochelle.
Oh, I can't wait to just fly home and spread the good news.
She did it again.
Hello, darling.
Sure.
How did you know I had spaghetti for lunch?
Well, darling, look.
I can put a steak on if you'd rather.
That's all right.
What's the matter, dear?
You Seem a little out of sorts.
I may be out of sorts, but I am in the show.
The show?
Yup.
The Flying Phantom, Mrs. Billings.
She caught me today.
Really?
Mhm.
You are looking at the director of the Annual
Follies and Fun Raiding Fiasco.
I don't know how that woman finds me.
[coughs]
I work in an unlisted building.
The nerve of her walking right into my office.
Did she do that?
Yeah.
Hi, Mrs. Petrie. Yeah.
I got the ginger ale--
Hello, Freddy.
And the cola, and the soda, and extra ice cubes.
What's all that?
Yeah.
And I got the corn curlies, and the Kasha Krispies,
and barley bebes.
But you know something.
We were all out of the potato poopies.
Oh, well, that's all right.
What's going on here?
Here you are, Freddy. Thank you so much.
OK. Thank you, Mrs. Petrie.
Oh, oh.
What time should we be here tonight for the auditions?
Auditions? Tonight?
Yeah.
Because I do an imitation, you know, of Al Jolson.
I imitate them all.
Why don't we save it for tonight?
I do Regis Toomey, Amos and Andy.
I do Lum and Abner.
OK.
The Happiness Boys.
Oh, boy, tonight.
Say, guess who I ran into today.
You launched the Flying Phantom.
You sent her down to my office, didn't you?
Well, darling, she asked me where you work.
Now, I couldn't very well lie to her.
I mean I had to give her the address.
You didn't have to tell her what city?
Oh, Rob.
You even arranged for auditions tonight.
Well, darling, I know how you hate
to be bothered with details.
Honey, how could you do that?
You know I hate to do that show.
LAURA: Robert Petrie, you love directing those shows,
and you know it.
I only did it for you.
You only did it for me?
You, of course, weren't planning on being in the show yourself.
Well, I might do a little something.
(MOCKING) I might do a little something.
Maybe like star in the show, huh?
If the director thinks that I'm good enough.
--that I'm good enough. Yeah.
Oh, Rob, look.
These shows are fun.
And who knows?
Maybe it won't be so hard this year.
Well, no thanks to you, Buddy and Sally
have volunteered to help me out this year.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Don't go overboard.
They've written a whole show.
It's a musical comedy called "The Gold Rush Girl."
They wrote a whole musical comedy especially for us?
No.
Especially for Alan Brady.
They wrote it three years ago.
Every year they try to peddle to Alan.
He rejects it.
Oh, well, of course, if it's no good.
Well, [inaudible] good all right.
It's just that Alan always likes to be the main one,
and the lead in this is a girl.
A girl?
The Gold Rush Girl?
In the 1840s with a period costume?
[gasps] Do you remember that costume I wore
in the show three years ago.
The Annie Oakley costume. I could wear that.
I gave it to Millie.
I better call her and see if she still has it.
Boy, this is fun.
If you think I'm the best one.
[laughs]
Boy.
All right.
I guess you all know why we're here,
our annual fundraising show.
And I am once again your director.
And-- [clapping]
Thank you. Thank you.
As such, I'm going to be looking forward to your hatred
in the coming months. JERRY: Right.
Right.
Don't be [inaudible]
This year, we're going to do something a little bit
different.
Our good friends here, Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers,
have written a book show for us, kind of a musical play.
Oh.
And I'm going to let them tell you about it.
So Buddy and Sally could you-- could
we hear a rundown of the play now?
Why, sure, why not?
This is probably the most rundown play you'll ever hear.
Now, the name of the story is "The Gold Rush Girl," right?
And the time is 1849.
Cut down from 2150.
Actually, it's a story of a young girl who falls
in love with a medicine man. - Yeah.
But she can only see him after meals and before bedtime.
Now, she joins this traveling medicine
show, going to California.
Yeah.
And they're selling a very popular drink
called Old Factor Whistle, one blast
you're through for the day.
That's not in the show.
Well, they laughed.
All right.
So it's in the show.
Or, well, you could call it Old Card Table,
two drink and your legs fold under you.
Are you going to let me finish telling this story?
No. They might reject it.
I can't stand anymore rejection.
Why don't we just go on with the auditions?
Give us the chance to reject them.
All right. All right.
All right. Now, look.
The two leads are the handsome medicine man and the very
beautiful Gold Rush Girl.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, you must play the handsome medicine man.
And of course, Laura will be the beautiful Gold Rush Girl.
Well, that does it. Let's go home, honey.
No, no, no, Mrs. Billings.
These are open auditions, and everyone should
have a chance to try out.
I mean, after all, I might not be right for it.
It's up to the director to decide.
Swell.
All right, folks, we have an awful lot
of parts to fill here.
So I think we better get started.
And I guess we'll begin with you, Millie.
Mildred Helper, 146 Bonny Meadow Road.
I'd like to sing "A Sentimental Love Song."
Words and music by Mildred Helper.
146 Bonny Meadow Road.
Wonderful.
You ready?
[piano music]
(SINGING) My heart got a smash in the face.
That night I will never erase.
You saw me standing 'neath the sun and the stars,
and I was something to see.
Then you just pulled out my aching heart
and kicked it right in the knee.
My heart has a terrible scar.
I'll get you for this, wherever you are.
But first, I'll kill myself.
I'm funny that way.
But seriously, darling, you're OK.
[applause]
That was just swell, Mill.
I'll let you know. OK?
Well, when?
Listen.
If you don't call me, I'll call you.
OK? - Come on.
That was wonderful, honey.
Really wonderful.
Boy, that kind of talent is going to be tough to follow.
What's Laura going to do?
Uh. I don't know, honey.
You want to do something?
Oh, well.
I hardly think Laura has to prove herself.
And after all the star of our show
must preserve her talented tootsies.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Billings, but I'm not the star yet.
It's up to my husband, the director.
Yes, my wife, the dancer has to earn the job.
Go ahead, honey.
Well, I'll do a dance, but I can't really
do it here with the carpet.
But I thought I'd wear a kind of a short Annie Oakley costume,
and I'd start off standing on top of this big drumhead.
And I'll do a big leap off right.
And then I'll do a series of fouetté turns.
So it'll be fouetté, fouetté, fouetté,
fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté,
fouetté, fouetté around here.
And then a leap in the air, spin.
And now this is the effective part where you
turn and sell it with a look.
Right?
A pirouette, tour jeté, and finish with a series
of chaines, and a big finish.
Like that.
That's [inaudible]
A toast to the star of our show.
Only if I'm worthy.
Oh.
You see, folks, the bigger they are, the nicer they are.
All right, folks. Let's get along.
We have a lot of parts to fill.
So we have to move it along this evening.
Are there any other hands-- let's
see hands now for anybody who wants to audition for the show.
Come on.
Who's next?
Mel is your hand up?
Did you want-- you mean you want to do something?
Yes.
Well, I thought you were just going to help
us with the production end.
Well, that too.
Well, what-- what do you do, Mel?
Well, I uh--
fool around with uh--
(WHISPERS) ventriloquism.
What?
Ventriloquism.
Ventriloquism?
It's just sort of a hobby.
Oh, well, Buddy would there be a part for a ventriloquist
in the show?
No.
But there's a part for a dummy.
OK.
Yeah.
Well, I'll just need two props, a stool and a glass of water.
Oh, OK, Mel.
Honey, would you get him a glass of water?
Is this stool all right?
OK, Mel, the floor is all yours.
Folks, I'd like you to meet my friend Dummy McGee.
Hello, Dummy.
Hello, Mr. Cooley.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Now, I'd like to show you a little trick.
What's new with you, Dummy?
Well, Mr. Cooley, I'm in love.
How could you be in love?
You have no poise, no charm, no savoir faire.
On what you pay me I could hardly get carfare.
[laughing]
Now, Dummy, I think you should sing your song.
(SINGING) Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn--
- Well, Mel, I think-- - (SINGING) and I don't care.
I think we prob--
we get the general idea, I think.
Oh, well, thank you, Rob.
Thank you, Rob.
[laughs]
Well, what about it?
Well, it's-- that's very funny, Mel.
Of course, you-- you realize your lips move a little bit.
Well, they're-- they're better than they used to be.
What about it?
Can we be in the show?
Well, Buddy, what do you think?
Maybe in the medicine-- medicine show.
The medicine show is perfect.
When he gets through, everybody'd be sick.
I'll tell you what, Mel.
We'll discuss it a little later.
OK, everybody.
We got to move on here.
Things are going a little slow.
Anybody else now? Let's step right up.
Pardon me.
My name is Howard Lebost.
I'm your new neighbor.
Oh, darling.
I didn't introduce you.
Mr. Lebost is the new English teacher at school.
The children love your class.
Thank you.
This is my wife, Anita.
Oh, I see.
What do you do, Howard?
Well, actually, I don't do anything.
My wife has all the talent.
I mean she sings a little and dances a little.
But she speaks very little English.
She's from Mexico.
Oh, I see.
Well, we're very happy to have you with us, Anita.
OK.
Would you like to audition?
Como?
[speaking spanish]
She said that your wife is just so good.
She'd rather not even try.
Nonsense.
This is a community affair, and everyone's going to audition
and let the best girl win.
There, didn't I tell you the bigger they are,
the nicer they are?
Please, Anita.
All right, Anita.
You may go ahead and do your dance.
[speaking spanish]
OK.
(SINGING) Heavens above you all know that I love you.
They rival your beauty, my darling.
I wait till the day, dear, when I can hear you say, dear.
[scatting]
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[singing in spanish]
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[singing in spanish]
[scatting]
Olé.
[applause]
- Thank you, and good night. - Good night.
Buenos noches.
Hasta luego.
ANITA: OK.
FREDDY: Bye bye.
[chuckles]
(SINGING) Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[humming]
Turns like that.
Let's see.
And then I'll do a--
I'll do a foot to foot.
Turn like that.
And a big turn.
And look like that.
This darn carpet.
Can't dance on it.
Oh, wait. Another big turn.
A big finish there.
And then you land on your drum.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
She was very good.
Who?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she-- she had something.
Everyone just stood right up and cheered.
She was marvelous.
Oh, honey, I think it was just their way
of making a stranger from a foreign land feel welcome.
Kind of part of our exchange applause system.
Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it?
She was very, very good.
All right.
She was fantastic.
Well, you know, for what she does there.
Well, what does that mean?
Well, honey, it just means that the whole thing is--
it's just a trick.
That's all.
A trick?
Well, yeah, she fooled everybody, honey.
You come out and sing great and dance great,
people are going to think you're talented.
She didn't fool me though, not for one minute.
I saw through it.
You take away all that fabulous dancing,
all that great singing.
What is there left?
Nothing but that haunting beauty.
All right, Rob. All right.
Finished. The end.
Now, you're going to have to start facing the issue.
You have a decision to make.
You've got to decide whether Anita or I
will be the Gold Rush Girl. - Mhm.
Mhm.
That's just what I've been wanting to avoid.
Now, I told you I didn't want this job.
Look, Rob.
You don't have to answer to anyone but your own conscience
and integrity.
Now, I do want this part, but not
at the expense of your conscience and integrity.
Mhm.
Well, you've just been a great help to me.
As I see it, I have two choices.
That's right.
Either you or separate maintenance.
Just do what you think is right.
What do you think is right?
Never mind what I think.
What do you think? You're the director.
You make the decisions.
Now, who's it going to be?
I guess there's only one thing for me to do.
You know what you're going to do?
Oh, yes.
- Well, what? - What?
You don't want me to play favoritism, do you?
No. What are you going to do?
You'll find out when everybody else does when
I posted on the bulletin board.
So does that mean you're not going to tell me?
Rob, you better tell me.
OK.
We're going to have a full dress rehearsal of the show now.
Oh, listen, kids.
You'll have to move back because we're going
to use the whole living room.
All the way back to the window seats.
That's it. Fine.
OK.
Buddy, you all set for the orchestra?
- All set, Jere. - OK.
We'll start now.
[clears throat] Um.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, the New Rochelle
Parents Council proudly presents the Broadway Gold Rush Twins.
(SINGING) Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo,
doodle doodle-oo-dee-oo.
BOTH: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo.
ALL: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo doo.
Doo.
BOTH: Why don't you join the group?
It's better than being a party poop.
Doo doo, doo, doo, doo.
BOTH: Obligato.
Pizzicato.
Guy Lombardo.
It's the craziest when you noodle with a doodling song.
ALL: Two, three, four.
Like it so much I'll doodle some more.
Little softer Perry Como.
Even softer, pianissimo.
Say you love me with a doodling song.
B-C-D, ooh, what you doodle-do to me.
Say you love me.
Really love me.
Say you love me true.
Say you love me.
Please believe me when you do.
That makes two-dle.
Go together.
Bet your boodle.
Like the apples in the strudel do.
When you noodle with a doodling song.
What you call a real ball.
Doo doodle-doo.
Doodle-doo.
Doodle doodle-dee-doo.
Doo doodle-doo.
doodle-doo.
I love you.
Doo doodle-doo.
Doodle-doo.
Doodle Doodle-doo.
Here we go now.
Bet your boodle.
Like the apples in the strudel do.
When we oodle with a doodling song.
All through.
Thank you.
[interposing voices]
Children, children, it was a triumph, children.
An absolute triumph.
Hey, I want to tell you something, Rob.
I'm so choked up about that Parents Council,
I'm going out tomorrow and rent a kid.
Say, how did we do at the box office anyway?
Well, I am very proud to announce that this
was our greatest year.
Oh.
Hey.
We only lost $75.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, could I ask you a rather unusual favor?
What is it, Mrs. Billings?
Well, as a souvenir of this memorable occasion,
could I have your autograph?
My autograph?
Go on, Rob.
Do it.
Oh.
Isn't that nice?
Oh, thank you.
There you are, my dear.
Well, that does it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Petrie has just signed
to do our show for next year.
She did it again.
[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."
Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
There they are, folks--
Pancho Gonzalez and Helen Wills Moody.
Oh no.
Oh boy.
This is going to be a productive day.
I can just feel it. - Yeah.
Buddy's right.
Hey, come on, fellas.
What do you say we get to work?
I got a very important "if date."
And "if date"?
Yeah.
If he shows up and if he asks me, I got a date.
Come on.
Now, let's get to work. Now, come on.
Will you please?
How about-- how about a husband and wife sketch?
We haven't done one in a long time.
I have nothing against those, but this time I'd
like one based on the truth.
I don't want any more of those sketches
about Alan waking up in the morning
and finding a Saint Bernard in his bed.
That's the truth.
That happened to me.
Buddy, you never had a Saint Bernard in your bed.
Oh, did you ever see my wife in the morning?
[phone ringing]
I keep yelling at her.
Take off that ridiculous cask of brandy.
[laughs]
Hi, Marge.
Mrs. Billings.
What's she doing down here?
Who's Mrs. Billings?
She wants me to direct the Parents
Council Show again this year, and I've
been ducking her for weeks.
What'll I do with her?
Well, don't look at me.
I'm not a parent or a council.
Hey, Marge.
Tell her anything, but get rid of her, will you?
I just don't want to talk to that--
[nervous laugh] Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, Mr. Petrie.
What?
What?
I apologize from the bottom of my heart.
Apologize for what?
For what they're doing to you.
Oh, I know you must be a very busy man,
and I really shouldn't come barging in like this.
But I wanted you to hear it from me personally.
What is it, Mrs. Billings?
Well, you know that every year you've
been directing our community show,
and you've done such a superb job.
Well, this year, without even consulting me,
one of the other ladies on the committee
gave the job to somebody else.
Why, I think that's terrible.
Oh, I knew you'd feel that way.
Believe me.
I'd have given anything to have spared you this humiliation.
Well, Mrs. Billings, all of us need a little emotional rubbish
from time to time.
I'll muddle through somehow.
Oh, you're so wonderful to take it that way.
Goodbye, Mr. Petrie.
Goodbye, whoever you are.
[laughing]
[bangs piano keys]
Hey, Rob.
I-- I hate to bother you in this moment of sorrow.
Oh, I am so happy not to be doing that show.
Why? Gee.
It sounds like fun directing one of those community show.
You know, fix those lights.
Pull that curtain.
Have that good-looking girl go to my office.
I don't mind directing.
I don't mind producing.
I don't mind performing.
I don't mind they use my furniture
for the sets every year.
What I hate are those auditions.
Well, what's wrong with auditions?
You might find another Monroe Diefendorf.
I never heard of Monroe Diefendorf.
See, if you find one, you'll have one.
If I could just find one a little
bit of talent in that neighborhood besides Laura.
She's the only professional in the whole group,
and each year she ends up with the lead.
So what's the problem?
Everyone else's wife.
They all think they have talent, and they
think I'm playing favorites.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Hey, this year, just for a change,
why don't you have Laura not play the lead?
Sure.
Then you can sleep in the garage.
[chuckles] Oh, boy.
This is the first time in three whole years that I am free.
Mr. Petrie.
They cannot do this to you.
Who can't do what, Mrs. Billings?
Having somebody else direct, indeed.
How ungrateful can they be?
They're not. They're not.
Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it.
Oh, let them. Let them.
I'll get even some other way.
No, no, no, no.
I will assume all the responsibility.
Robert Petrie, you are our director.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
It's unfair.
No.
Some way somehow I will get rid of that other man.
Oh, you can't do that to him.
He's a director.
He has feelings.
Oh, he's not a director.
He's a dry cleaner.
Mrs. Billings, even dry cleaners have feelings.
Well, that's show business.
Robert Petrie, you will be directing our shows as
long as there's a New Rochelle.
Oh, I can't wait to just fly home and spread the good news.
She did it again.
Hello, darling.
Sure.
How did you know I had spaghetti for lunch?
Well, darling, look.
I can put a steak on if you'd rather.
That's all right.
What's the matter, dear?
You Seem a little out of sorts.
I may be out of sorts, but I am in the show.
The show?
Yup.
The Flying Phantom, Mrs. Billings.
She caught me today.
Really?
Mhm.
You are looking at the director of the Annual
Follies and Fun Raiding Fiasco.
I don't know how that woman finds me.
[coughs]
I work in an unlisted building.
The nerve of her walking right into my office.
Did she do that?
Yeah.
Hi, Mrs. Petrie. Yeah.
I got the ginger ale--
Hello, Freddy.
And the cola, and the soda, and extra ice cubes.
What's all that?
Yeah.
And I got the corn curlies, and the Kasha Krispies,
and barley bebes.
But you know something.
We were all out of the potato poopies.
Oh, well, that's all right.
What's going on here?
Here you are, Freddy. Thank you so much.
OK. Thank you, Mrs. Petrie.
Oh, oh.
What time should we be here tonight for the auditions?
Auditions? Tonight?
Yeah.
Because I do an imitation, you know, of Al Jolson.
I imitate them all.
Why don't we save it for tonight?
I do Regis Toomey, Amos and Andy.
I do Lum and Abner.
OK.
The Happiness Boys.
Oh, boy, tonight.
Say, guess who I ran into today.
You launched the Flying Phantom.
You sent her down to my office, didn't you?
Well, darling, she asked me where you work.
Now, I couldn't very well lie to her.
I mean I had to give her the address.
You didn't have to tell her what city?
Oh, Rob.
You even arranged for auditions tonight.
Well, darling, I know how you hate
to be bothered with details.
Honey, how could you do that?
You know I hate to do that show.
LAURA: Robert Petrie, you love directing those shows,
and you know it.
I only did it for you.
You only did it for me?
You, of course, weren't planning on being in the show yourself.
Well, I might do a little something.
(MOCKING) I might do a little something.
Maybe like star in the show, huh?
If the director thinks that I'm good enough.
--that I'm good enough. Yeah.
Oh, Rob, look.
These shows are fun.
And who knows?
Maybe it won't be so hard this year.
Well, no thanks to you, Buddy and Sally
have volunteered to help me out this year.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Don't go overboard.
They've written a whole show.
It's a musical comedy called "The Gold Rush Girl."
They wrote a whole musical comedy especially for us?
No.
Especially for Alan Brady.
They wrote it three years ago.
Every year they try to peddle to Alan.
He rejects it.
Oh, well, of course, if it's no good.
Well, [inaudible] good all right.
It's just that Alan always likes to be the main one,
and the lead in this is a girl.
A girl?
The Gold Rush Girl?
In the 1840s with a period costume?
[gasps] Do you remember that costume I wore
in the show three years ago.
The Annie Oakley costume. I could wear that.
I gave it to Millie.
I better call her and see if she still has it.
Boy, this is fun.
If you think I'm the best one.
[laughs]
Boy.
All right.
I guess you all know why we're here,
our annual fundraising show.
And I am once again your director.
And-- [clapping]
Thank you. Thank you.
As such, I'm going to be looking forward to your hatred
in the coming months. JERRY: Right.
Right.
Don't be [inaudible]
This year, we're going to do something a little bit
different.
Our good friends here, Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers,
have written a book show for us, kind of a musical play.
Oh.
And I'm going to let them tell you about it.
So Buddy and Sally could you-- could
we hear a rundown of the play now?
Why, sure, why not?
This is probably the most rundown play you'll ever hear.
Now, the name of the story is "The Gold Rush Girl," right?
And the time is 1849.
Cut down from 2150.
Actually, it's a story of a young girl who falls
in love with a medicine man. - Yeah.
But she can only see him after meals and before bedtime.
Now, she joins this traveling medicine
show, going to California.
Yeah.
And they're selling a very popular drink
called Old Factor Whistle, one blast
you're through for the day.
That's not in the show.
Well, they laughed.
All right.
So it's in the show.
Or, well, you could call it Old Card Table,
two drink and your legs fold under you.
Are you going to let me finish telling this story?
No. They might reject it.
I can't stand anymore rejection.
Why don't we just go on with the auditions?
Give us the chance to reject them.
All right. All right.
All right. Now, look.
The two leads are the handsome medicine man and the very
beautiful Gold Rush Girl.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, you must play the handsome medicine man.
And of course, Laura will be the beautiful Gold Rush Girl.
Well, that does it. Let's go home, honey.
No, no, no, Mrs. Billings.
These are open auditions, and everyone should
have a chance to try out.
I mean, after all, I might not be right for it.
It's up to the director to decide.
Swell.
All right, folks, we have an awful lot
of parts to fill here.
So I think we better get started.
And I guess we'll begin with you, Millie.
Mildred Helper, 146 Bonny Meadow Road.
I'd like to sing "A Sentimental Love Song."
Words and music by Mildred Helper.
146 Bonny Meadow Road.
Wonderful.
You ready?
[piano music]
(SINGING) My heart got a smash in the face.
That night I will never erase.
You saw me standing 'neath the sun and the stars,
and I was something to see.
Then you just pulled out my aching heart
and kicked it right in the knee.
My heart has a terrible scar.
I'll get you for this, wherever you are.
But first, I'll kill myself.
I'm funny that way.
But seriously, darling, you're OK.
[applause]
That was just swell, Mill.
I'll let you know. OK?
Well, when?
Listen.
If you don't call me, I'll call you.
OK? - Come on.
That was wonderful, honey.
Really wonderful.
Boy, that kind of talent is going to be tough to follow.
What's Laura going to do?
Uh. I don't know, honey.
You want to do something?
Oh, well.
I hardly think Laura has to prove herself.
And after all the star of our show
must preserve her talented tootsies.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Billings, but I'm not the star yet.
It's up to my husband, the director.
Yes, my wife, the dancer has to earn the job.
Go ahead, honey.
Well, I'll do a dance, but I can't really
do it here with the carpet.
But I thought I'd wear a kind of a short Annie Oakley costume,
and I'd start off standing on top of this big drumhead.
And I'll do a big leap off right.
And then I'll do a series of fouetté turns.
So it'll be fouetté, fouetté, fouetté,
fouetté, fouetté, fouetté, fouetté,
fouetté, fouetté around here.
And then a leap in the air, spin.
And now this is the effective part where you
turn and sell it with a look.
Right?
A pirouette, tour jeté, and finish with a series
of chaines, and a big finish.
Like that.
That's [inaudible]
A toast to the star of our show.
Only if I'm worthy.
Oh.
You see, folks, the bigger they are, the nicer they are.
All right, folks. Let's get along.
We have a lot of parts to fill.
So we have to move it along this evening.
Are there any other hands-- let's
see hands now for anybody who wants to audition for the show.
Come on.
Who's next?
Mel is your hand up?
Did you want-- you mean you want to do something?
Yes.
Well, I thought you were just going to help
us with the production end.
Well, that too.
Well, what-- what do you do, Mel?
Well, I uh--
fool around with uh--
(WHISPERS) ventriloquism.
What?
Ventriloquism.
Ventriloquism?
It's just sort of a hobby.
Oh, well, Buddy would there be a part for a ventriloquist
in the show?
No.
But there's a part for a dummy.
OK.
Yeah.
Well, I'll just need two props, a stool and a glass of water.
Oh, OK, Mel.
Honey, would you get him a glass of water?
Is this stool all right?
OK, Mel, the floor is all yours.
Folks, I'd like you to meet my friend Dummy McGee.
Hello, Dummy.
Hello, Mr. Cooley.
How are you?
I'm fine.
Now, I'd like to show you a little trick.
What's new with you, Dummy?
Well, Mr. Cooley, I'm in love.
How could you be in love?
You have no poise, no charm, no savoir faire.
On what you pay me I could hardly get carfare.
[laughing]
Now, Dummy, I think you should sing your song.
(SINGING) Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care.
Jimmy crack corn--
- Well, Mel, I think-- - (SINGING) and I don't care.
I think we prob--
we get the general idea, I think.
Oh, well, thank you, Rob.
Thank you, Rob.
[laughs]
Well, what about it?
Well, it's-- that's very funny, Mel.
Of course, you-- you realize your lips move a little bit.
Well, they're-- they're better than they used to be.
What about it?
Can we be in the show?
Well, Buddy, what do you think?
Maybe in the medicine-- medicine show.
The medicine show is perfect.
When he gets through, everybody'd be sick.
I'll tell you what, Mel.
We'll discuss it a little later.
OK, everybody.
We got to move on here.
Things are going a little slow.
Anybody else now? Let's step right up.
Pardon me.
My name is Howard Lebost.
I'm your new neighbor.
Oh, darling.
I didn't introduce you.
Mr. Lebost is the new English teacher at school.
The children love your class.
Thank you.
This is my wife, Anita.
Oh, I see.
What do you do, Howard?
Well, actually, I don't do anything.
My wife has all the talent.
I mean she sings a little and dances a little.
But she speaks very little English.
She's from Mexico.
Oh, I see.
Well, we're very happy to have you with us, Anita.
OK.
Would you like to audition?
Como?
[speaking spanish]
She said that your wife is just so good.
She'd rather not even try.
Nonsense.
This is a community affair, and everyone's going to audition
and let the best girl win.
There, didn't I tell you the bigger they are,
the nicer they are?
Please, Anita.
All right, Anita.
You may go ahead and do your dance.
[speaking spanish]
OK.
(SINGING) Heavens above you all know that I love you.
They rival your beauty, my darling.
I wait till the day, dear, when I can hear you say, dear.
[scatting]
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[singing in spanish]
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[singing in spanish]
[scatting]
Olé.
[applause]
- Thank you, and good night. - Good night.
Buenos noches.
Hasta luego.
ANITA: OK.
FREDDY: Bye bye.
[chuckles]
(SINGING) Aye, aye, aye, aye.
[humming]
Turns like that.
Let's see.
And then I'll do a--
I'll do a foot to foot.
Turn like that.
And a big turn.
And look like that.
This darn carpet.
Can't dance on it.
Oh, wait. Another big turn.
A big finish there.
And then you land on your drum.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
She was very good.
Who?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, she-- she had something.
Everyone just stood right up and cheered.
She was marvelous.
Oh, honey, I think it was just their way
of making a stranger from a foreign land feel welcome.
Kind of part of our exchange applause system.
Rob, why don't you just come out and admit it?
She was very, very good.
All right.
She was fantastic.
Well, you know, for what she does there.
Well, what does that mean?
Well, honey, it just means that the whole thing is--
it's just a trick.
That's all.
A trick?
Well, yeah, she fooled everybody, honey.
You come out and sing great and dance great,
people are going to think you're talented.
She didn't fool me though, not for one minute.
I saw through it.
You take away all that fabulous dancing,
all that great singing.
What is there left?
Nothing but that haunting beauty.
All right, Rob. All right.
Finished. The end.
Now, you're going to have to start facing the issue.
You have a decision to make.
You've got to decide whether Anita or I
will be the Gold Rush Girl. - Mhm.
Mhm.
That's just what I've been wanting to avoid.
Now, I told you I didn't want this job.
Look, Rob.
You don't have to answer to anyone but your own conscience
and integrity.
Now, I do want this part, but not
at the expense of your conscience and integrity.
Mhm.
Well, you've just been a great help to me.
As I see it, I have two choices.
That's right.
Either you or separate maintenance.
Just do what you think is right.
What do you think is right?
Never mind what I think.
What do you think? You're the director.
You make the decisions.
Now, who's it going to be?
I guess there's only one thing for me to do.
You know what you're going to do?
Oh, yes.
- Well, what? - What?
You don't want me to play favoritism, do you?
No. What are you going to do?
You'll find out when everybody else does when
I posted on the bulletin board.
So does that mean you're not going to tell me?
Rob, you better tell me.
OK.
We're going to have a full dress rehearsal of the show now.
Oh, listen, kids.
You'll have to move back because we're going
to use the whole living room.
All the way back to the window seats.
That's it. Fine.
OK.
Buddy, you all set for the orchestra?
- All set, Jere. - OK.
We'll start now.
[clears throat] Um.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, the New Rochelle
Parents Council proudly presents the Broadway Gold Rush Twins.
(SINGING) Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo,
doodle doodle-oo-dee-oo.
BOTH: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo.
ALL: Doo doodle-doo doodle-doo doodle-oo-dee-oo doo.
Doo.
BOTH: Why don't you join the group?
It's better than being a party poop.
Doo doo, doo, doo, doo.
BOTH: Obligato.
Pizzicato.
Guy Lombardo.
It's the craziest when you noodle with a doodling song.
ALL: Two, three, four.
Like it so much I'll doodle some more.
Little softer Perry Como.
Even softer, pianissimo.
Say you love me with a doodling song.
B-C-D, ooh, what you doodle-do to me.
Say you love me.
Really love me.
Say you love me true.
Say you love me.
Please believe me when you do.
That makes two-dle.
Go together.
Bet your boodle.
Like the apples in the strudel do.
When you noodle with a doodling song.
What you call a real ball.
Doo doodle-doo.
Doodle-doo.
Doodle doodle-dee-doo.
Doo doodle-doo.
doodle-doo.
I love you.
Doo doodle-doo.
Doodle-doo.
Doodle Doodle-doo.
Here we go now.
Bet your boodle.
Like the apples in the strudel do.
When we oodle with a doodling song.
All through.
Thank you.
[interposing voices]
Children, children, it was a triumph, children.
An absolute triumph.
Hey, I want to tell you something, Rob.
I'm so choked up about that Parents Council,
I'm going out tomorrow and rent a kid.
Say, how did we do at the box office anyway?
Well, I am very proud to announce that this
was our greatest year.
Oh.
Hey.
We only lost $75.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, could I ask you a rather unusual favor?
What is it, Mrs. Billings?
Well, as a souvenir of this memorable occasion,
could I have your autograph?
My autograph?
Go on, Rob.
Do it.
Oh.
Isn't that nice?
Oh, thank you.
There you are, my dear.
Well, that does it.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Petrie has just signed
to do our show for next year.
She did it again.
[theme music]