The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Brave and the Backache - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Sure you don't want to have some more coffee?

No, thanks.

I got to get home and get Jerry's breakfast.

I tell you, Laura, I'm so proud of my Jerry.

Imagine with all the dentists in the area

they picked him to represent Westchester

County at the convention.



Atlantic City for the whole weekend.

All expenses paid.

I'm going to send everybody we know salt-water taffy.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I do.

Listen that sticky taffy brings Jerry a lot of dental work.

It's just one of the little ways that makes

me feel a part of his career.

Well, I got to go.

Boy, you know when it rains, it pours.

We don't go anywhere for months, and this weekend

we got two places to go.

Yeah, that's right.

You were supposed to go to your sister's cottage



at Lake Sissy Manoonoo.

Yeah, well, Lake Sissy Manoonoo

is going to have to wait.

I'd offer the cottage to you and Rob, but--

Hey, well, why don't you?

Because I know what Rob will say.

What do you mean?

Well, we've offered the place to you three different times,

and Rob just doesn't seem to want to go.

That's not so.

It is.

Every time we ask him to go up there, he gets sick,

so he can't go.

Gee, I never noticed that.

Well, I didn't either.

But Jerry did.

Jerry says it's psychological.

He says that for some hidden reason

Rob doesn't really want to go up there so he gets

sick just to get out of it.

Jerry figured that out, huh?

Oh, yes, he's very deep.

He's also very wrong.

Oh, no, listen some husbands will

do anything to get out of going away alone with their wives.

Well, not Rob.

Rob and I've been alone together many times.

Alone, alone?

Now, Millie, stop that.

Anyway where did Jerry learn so much about psychiatry?

Well, every morning on the train,

he plays gin rummy with a psychiatrist.

Between Scarsdale and 125th Street, a lot soaks in.

Yeah, well I think Jerry's diagnosis is silly.

Well, why don't you ask Rob if he wants to go,

and if Jerry's wrong you can have a nice weekend free.

Well, thank you.

I think I will ask him.

[whistle blares]

Oh my gosh, that's Jerry now.

He gets so cranky before he's had his breakfast.

I'll call you before I leave.

Psychological.

Darling, come on.

You'll be late for work.

Good morning.

What's for breakfast?

I got some new cereals.

What you got?

It's the treasure chest assortment.

You can have Wheatie Wowwows, Ricey Rumble, Sesame

Sweeties, or Corny Cuties.

No Barley Bupkis?

No, Ritchie ate them.

Listen, how about some corn flakes?

Corn flakes?

[laughs] What a silly name for a cereal.

Corn flakes.

Yeah, I'll have some of them corn flakes.

Darling.

What, honey?

How would you like to go away this weekend?

What you got in mind?

Well, I thought we could drive up to Lake Sissy Manoonoo.

Ah!

What's the matter?

I almost ate a fire engine.

Oh.

It's a surprise.

Ritchie has been waiting for this.

You want to drive all the way up there for the weekend?

Yeah, I'd really love it, darling.

Wait a minute.

Here's a little ladder.

It's an awful far drive just for a weekend, honey.

Yeah, well, I thought we could start out maybe Friday,

and have Mrs. Schneider come and stay with Ritchie.

Oh, Rob, it would be so much fun, just the two of us

alone on a nice quiet lake.

Well, that just sounds perfect,

honey if I'd had a little advance notice.

I don't get through work til Friday night.

Well, suppose you took Friday off.

I can't do that, honey.

I got to finish the show and polish it up.

I got a lot of odds and ends.

Well, can't Buddy and Sally take over for you?

- That wouldn't be fair. - Fair?

Rob, you've been working for the Alan

Brady Show for eight years.

I think you're entitled to take one Friday off.

Honey, I have taken many, many Fridays off,

but I planned it in advance.

I just can't walk on, Buddy and Sally at the last minute.

OK.

You do understand that, don't you, honey?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing.

All right, come on, honey.

If something's bothering you, tell me what it is.

Well, it's just that I get the distinct feeling, Rob, that you

don't want to go away with me.

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of, honey.

What gave you an idea like that?

Well, for the last three times that we've

had the chance to go up there, you've backed out each time.

That just is not true.

It is so.

Remember the first time you had that cold.

And then remember the second time you broke

out in that mysterious rash.

I can't help it if I get sick, honey.

That's a coincidence.

Was it just a coincidence?

Honey, who have you been talking to?

Millie.

And Jerry is the fellow that came up with a diagnosis,

right?

Well all I know, Rob, is that you and I never get

away alone together anymore.

We have been alone three times this year away.

Not alone, alone.

What do you mean alone, alone?

Like up at the lake a place where there

would be no one around for miles, just you and me, alone,

alone.

You think I wouldn't like that?

I'd love that.

Well, you say you love it, but the point

is, we never do it, do we?

Well no, I guess not.

You'd really, really love to do that, wouldn't you, honey?

Oh, Rob, I'd love to.

Consider it done then.

Oh, darling, that's wonderful.

Oh, boy, I hope we can have fun together.

There's going to be more to the weekend than fun together.

I want to prove to you once and for all

that I want to be alone with you so badly that I'm willing to go

up there by myself.

[sneeze]

Bless you.

Oh, thank you.

[coughing]

Hey, very good.

What are you going do for your next number?

Boy, I got a beauty coming on.

Oh, boy, you have.

Where did you get that cold?

Oh, last night, Herman Glimpshire

and I went to a drive in movie.

Caught a cold smooching, huh?

Not smooching.

His mother breathed on me and I got it.

His mother?

You mean El Baggo was along?

Yes, with Herman, it's a package deal.

Boy, that's a terrible head cold.

You know how to keep a head cold from going down in your chest?

- No. - Tie a knot in your neck.

Ho, ho.

Hi, Sal, Buddy.

Well, look who showed up.

Oh, good morning, Rob.

Have a cold?

No, thanks.

I think I'll use this one.

I'll say I have a cold, what else?

Well, just stay away from me today, will you?

Breathe downwind.

Oh, come on, is that a nice way to talk to a girl

with a deviated septum?

I'm not kidding.

If I catch a cold today, my wife's

going to think I hate her.

Uh, you're going to explain that, right?

Yeah, well, just a minute.

First, I have a favor to ask you two guys.

Name it.

I want tomorrow off.

Friday?

Sure, we'll cover for you.

Yeah, no problem.

Now, what about getting my cold?

Well, this weekend, Laura and I have a chance to go

up the Lake Sissy Manoonoo.

Lake Sissy Manoonoo.

This time of year?

Why it will be at least three months before the manoonoos

are in bloom.

Hey, Rob, if you're really going up there,

stop by for a chicken dinner and Camp Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Isn't that where you pluck your own chicken ?

Listen, Rob, I want.

You stay away from me, really.

I mean it.

I've got to stay in perfect health.

But why do you have to be so healthy for a weekend

at Lake Minni Hoohaha.

Look, do you remember the time that I got that bad cold,

and I was laid up for about 10 days.

That weekend we were supposed to go up to the lake.

So?

The next time we were invited up to the lake,

I got the rash and hives.

Rash and Hives do a wonderful act.

I caught them at the Palace.

Oh, come on.

Really, I itched for 10 days.

Well, I still don't get it.

Just suffice to say that for the sake of my marriage

I've got to stay perfectly healthy this weekend.

Well, I don't know.

You look pretty healthy--

Hold it.

[sneeze]

Bless you.

Ah, thank you.

You can come up now, Rob.

It's all over.

No it isn't.

It's just the beginning.

What do you mean? I'm stuck.

My back.

I can't straighten up.

You're kidding.

Your back is stuck?

Sally's sneeze has just sprained my marriage.

Listen, lean on me.

He don't want to catch your cold too.

I'd settle for double pneumonia right now.

Oh, boy, I can't straighten up.

Laura's going to kill me.

Why did I have--

you know something, maybe she's right.

Maybe I wanted to sprain my back.

What am I going to do now?

Well, you can always do Groucho Marx.

Oh, Rob. Come on, come on.

Just try-- easy.

Try standing now.

Oh.

Marge, Marge, could you send Tony Daniels in here.

Yes, rehearsing down the hall.

Rob, think standing.

Think up.

I am, but my back's thinking down.

It's no use.

I can't stand up.

Are you still in pain, Rob?

Oh, no, no.

I'm way past pain.

I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Don't worry.

I've sent for Tony Daniels.

Who needs a choreographer at a time like this?

He's a dancer and he straightens out

the other dancers when they get cramps and sprains.

He'll know what to do. Take it easy.

What's up, gang?

Nothing is up, Rob's down.

What happened to him?

He hurt his back when I sneezed.

He hurt his back when she sneezed.

Some kind of gag, right?

No, it's no gag.

Look, he can't straighten up.

No, I threw my back out.

Tony, would you see what you can do with it?

Oh, sure, Rob.

Are you in pain now?

No not really.

This is amazing.

What?

Rob, you're going to have a baby.

[laughing]

It's only a little spasm.

Help me get him on the desk. - OK.

I'll get on this side.

All right?

Oh, ow! What's the matter.

Move the pen set.

Oh.

All right?

Yeah.

Hey, somebody throw him an acrobat.

Tell me, does this hurt, Rob.

No, no.

Now, Buddy, Sally, you grab his knees.

When I count three, you press down on his leg with a snap.

Oh, boy.

No, no, don't worry about it. I've done this before.

Don't worry. Ready gang.

- Yeah. - OK, now ready?

One, two, three.

Wait a minute, wait.

Rob, what's the matter?

I

Can't, I can't bend.

You mean now you're stuck like that straight up?

Can't you do something, Tony.

I'd be afraid to.

You mean I've got to stand up straight like this all day?

Until the muscle spasms relaxes.

I'd see a doctor before you go home, Rob.

Oh, boy, there goes the weekend.

Oh, well, maybe it's only temporary.

Maybe it's only psychosomatic.

Why do you say that?

Well, the way you've been talking about it,

you don't seem too enthused about going.

But that's not true.

I'm going up to that lake this weekend

and I'm going to have fun if it kills me.

Tony, can't you bend him in a sitting position?

No, don't unbend him.

He can go up to the lake just like this.

How do you figure that?

We stick you in a golf bag and ship you express.

Oh, Millie, it's going to be so romantic, just Rob

and me alone together.

There's a fireplace.

My sister said there's plenty of wood in the shed.

Oh great.

Laura, you really think you're going to make it this time?

Oh, I know we will.

I really think the cold and the rash were coincidence.

I mean, I don't mean to mock Jerry,

but I think I know Rob a little better than he does.

I hope so.

Jerry thinks there's something fishy going

on in everybody's subconscious.

Well, he happens to be wrong this time.

Maybe so.

I got to go.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Hi there, Millie.

Honey, you dropped your hat.

Yes, yeah.

Rob, is anything wrong?

Wrong?

What could be wrong with me?

Well, you're standing so stiff and straight.

Well, it's National Stand Up Stiff and Straight Week.

You don't look so well, Rob.

Darling why don't you sit down?

Sit?

What have I got to sit about?

Your back is out again, isn't it?

You can't sit down.

Oh, my Jerry may be right.

It may all be in your mind.

Millie, I have no pain in my mind.

Honey, I went to an orthopedist this afternoon.

Oh, my Jerry is smart.

He is deep.

Listen, Rob, if your back should suddenly feel better,

you let me know about the cottage.

I'll let you know.

That Jerry is so deep.

Not deep, he's thick.

Well, I guess we just cancel the weekend, huh?

Look, honey, you don't think it's because I don't want

to be alone with you, do you?

I just don't know what to think, Rob.

Will you believe me it has nothing to do with you?

As a matter of fact, I got this whole sprained

back because I love you.

You're going to have to explain that.

Sally's got this cold.

And in order to keep from getting her cold,

I sprained my back.

Jerry was right.

You don't want to go away with me.

Honey, I didn't want it to happen.

It was just a plain accident.

Jerry says there are no such things as accidents.

I know that theory too and it doesn't apply here.

Why, honey, I want to be alone in the woods with you.

Rob, maybe you do consciously but subconsciously,

you rebel at the prospect.

My subconscious loves you just as much as my conscience,

maybe more.

Look, Rob, all I know is that all somebody has to do

is mention that lake and you go into shock.

Jerry was right.

Honey, I studied psychiatry on the same train

with the same doctor at Jerry did.

I even went a few extra stops with him as a matter of fact.

I'm going to tell you something I got a real back-- aye.

Darling I'm sorry.

Does it hurt very much?

Well it's going to be a little while before I can tie my shoes

or even see them.

Jerry may be right.

I got a cold and then the rash and now this.

Darling, can I get you something?

- Yes, you can. - A cup of tea?

No, thanks.

I'd rather have a phone book.

Who are you going to call?

I'm going to call Phil.

Phil who?

Dr. Philip Nevins, the psychiatrist on the train.

You're going to call a psychiatrist.

Why?

To talk.

Can't you talk to me?

Honey, you and I have been talking already

and my backache is not gone.

You're just not sufficiently trained to tell me

if it's psychosomatic or not.

Isn't that kind of drastic?

I mean, going to see a psychiatrist?

Honey, what are you afraid of?

Well, I'm afraid you might find out that there's

something wrong with us.

And I don't want to find that out if there

is and there probably isn't.

But there might be.

Oh, Rob, don't call.

The orthopedist told me that there is nothing organically

wrong with my back at all.

Now that may mean that Jerry is right.

I got to find out.

I got to talk to a psychiatrist.

What are you going to tell him?

Well, I don't know.

Are you going to talk about us?

How do I know?

I just gotta talk and whatever pops out

of my sensory band from my subconscious

due to my conscious, that's all.

Give me the phone.

Oh, Rob.

Phil, it looks like I don't want to be alone with my wife,

doesn't it?

To whom does it look that way?

It looks that way to my neighbors and to my wife.

And I tell you something is beginning

to look that way to me too.

What do you think, Phil?

What do you think?

Well, I thought I'd come over here

and find out what you think.

What I think doesn't matter It's what you think.

Well, what I think you think.

No, it's what you're thinking.

I don't know what to think.

I don't even know what to say, Phil.

Just say anything that pops into your mind.

Oh, yeah, well.

Shall I lie down?

You don't have to lie down.

You can sit.

No, I can't.

This is it.

You can have me vertical or horizontal,

but there's no angles in there at all.

Which do you prefer, Rob?

Well, I don't-- lying down, I guess.

The best psychiatry shows on television recommend the couch.

Listen, Phil.

The least painful way of doing is going to seem

a little bit silly to you.

Who's to say what's silly?

By gosh, that's the truth.

Would you take me by the neck, Phil.

Neck?

Yeah, good, good firm hold there.

OK, here we go.

Thanks, Phil.

You comfortable?

Yeah, I'm fine.

How about your legs?

Oh, would you get my--

Sure.

Ah.

Oh, OK.

Oh, Thanks a lot, Phil.

OK, well, what do we do now?

Just, just talk.

Whatever comes to my mind, huh?

Yeah.

Free Association.

Just by kind of thinking out loud,

I may get the key to the whole mess, right?

Well, possibly.

Yeah, all right.

Well, I don't think that I'm afraid to be

alone with my wife.

As a matter of fact, I think I'd love that.

The thing that keeps running through my mind

is Lake Sissy Manoonoo.

Is that about the silliest name for a lake

you ever heard in your life?

Do you think it's silly?

Well, sure.

Don't you think it's silly? - Why?

Well, I don't know.

It's just silly, that's all.

You say it over a couple of times,

Sissy Manoonoo, Sissy Manoonoo.

I bet that lake is probably going to be my whole problem.

What do you bet?

- What do you think? - I don't know.

Sissy Manoonoo.

It probably means Sissy could be sister

or it could mean cowardly.

And Manoonoo, which is probably an old Indian name of some kind

probably means my sister is a cowardly old Indian.

I'm sorry, Phil.

Let's see.

A lake.

A lake has got water and trees.

And it's got lots of swimming.

Well, there's nothing there that I shouldn't like, huh?

Is there?

Well, you know, I mean everybody likes a nice lake.

Why shouldn't I?

I liked that other lake.

What other lake?

Kicky Padada.

Hey, Kicky Padada and Sissy Manoonoo, they sound the same.

You think there'd be some connection there Phil?

Do you?

Why, sure.

My gosh, I haven't thought of Kicky Padada

since I don't know when.

I went there to camp when I was a kid.

Think there might be some something there, a clue?

You think so?

Yeah.

She was a beautiful camp, between two

great big mountains in a line and a beautiful green bully,

valley.

I said bully.

We had this bully there at camp.

You know something, I think every camp

before they open for the season, they

put an ad in the paper that says,

wanted 12 councilors and a bully.

So e had some great bully here.

I remember at that camp, there were just a handful of canoes.

I had to wait about a week for I finally got my turn in a canoe.

I finally got my canoe.

And along came this bully and kicked sand right in my face.

And I tripped and flipped the canoe over

and put foot right through it.

I was just humiliated.

I mean not because I hurt the canoe.

I don't know why, I didn't fight back or anything.

You know, he was two years older than me

and built like a gymnasium.

You know, he could have probably killed me.

But I just didn't feel like a man.

I felt like a sissy, sissy, man.

Sissy Manoonoo.

That's everything except the Noonoo.

Is that it?

You think so?

Why, of course.

Aren't you excited?

But that, it wasn't Laura at all.

It was that lake.

Isn't that it, Doc?

Is it?

Look, I'm sitting up.

My back ache's gone.

It wasn't Laura at all.

It was psychological.

Gee, I don't know, Rob.

Come on, Phil.

You're being too modest.

You did it.

You got rid of my doubts, my worries,

my backache, the whole thing's gone in one 10 minute session.

You're terrific, Phil.

I don't know how to thank you.

I think I'd better take another 10 minutes.

Millie, if Rob finds out something that he's

better off not knowing--

Well what could he find out?

I don't know.

But whatever it is, it could change our whole relationship.

A little change never hurts.

Listen, Millie, I will tell you this.

I would rather have a neurotic husband with a bad back who

loves me than a well-adjusted one

with a good back who doesn't.

What?

Never mind.

Hi, darling.

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Millie.

What you find out?

Enough.

It's me, isn't it.

What did he say?

Millie, would you do me a favor?

Yeah, sure, Rob, what is it?

Would you--

You want something in the closet?

No, no.

You want some outside?

No.

You want me outside.

That's it.

Oh, my goodness, Laura.

He found out something.

Rob, you found out some-- what did you find out?

Nope, nope, never mind.

You're right It's none of my business.

Laura, you call me later and tell me what he found out.

Rob, what did he say?

Sit down.

It's me, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

It's me?

Yes, and it's me too.

You too?

You mean it's us?

It's both of us.

You mean there's something wrong with us?

Yes, something wrong with us.

You mean we don't love each other?

That's it.

That we don't love each other?

No, that you should ask such a stupid question

of a husband who loves you and that you love.

Is that what Dr. Nevins said?

No, that's what I said.

Well, what did he say?

What he said doesn't matter, at least that's what he said.

Is that all he said?

Practically, he did say that my back ache, he didn't think

was psychosomatic or psychological.

He didn't think it was.

Well, no you see Dr. Nevins is laboring under an

under a handicap because he's a trained psychiatrist

and he can't be as sure of his diagnosis

as we laymen who have nothing to lose.

Did he say that?

No, I said that.

Did he say anything?

He did say he did say that sometimes a backache is

a bad ache and a rash is a rash and a coincidence

is a coincidence.

Then you mean Jerry is wrong.

Oh, he did acknowledge that possibility, yes.

Honey, you and I are going up to that lake this weekend

and we're going to have fun.

Give me a kiss and then go start getting ready.

Rob, that's wonderful.

I'll go pack your things. - Good.

And when you're finished with that,

come out here and pack me.

[doorbell]

Come in.

Hi, Mil.

How was your weekend?

Oh, we had a pretty good time considering.

- Want a cup of coffee? - Yeah.

I'd love some.

How's your back?

Not bad.

I can almost get around normally now.

How did Laura like the place?

Well, frankly, I think she hated it.

Oh you're kidding, of course.

No, he's not.

Laura, what happened to you?

Good old fashioned back ache.

You know what it could be?

What?

This time it could be psychological.

Jerry says that every time I get back from vacation, I get sick

and it's my way of rebelling against household drudgery.

And he's right.

Yours could be a psychosomatic symptopathic pain, too,

couldn't it?

Yes, it could and it also might be she fell off the porch

carrying me down to the lake.

Yes, well that might do it.

Would you like me to make you a little cup of Sassafrass tea?

That's awfully nice of you, Robbie boy.

[theme music]