The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 19 - Happy Birthday and Too Many More - full transcript

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

Boy, what a relief.

That finishes all of the month's bills.

Honey, if you could do me a big favor.

If when you charge something, you sign somebody else's name.

I'm just doing some figuring.

I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.

I thought we decided that about eight years ago.



Oh, no.

No, I mean, I'm trying to decide when

to have his birthday party.

You know, I got a great idea.

Why don't you have the party on the anniversary of the day

he was born.

You can call it a birthday party.

Yeah, that would be great, darling,

except he's already invited to a party on his birthday.

What, two birthdays on the same day?

LAURA PETRIE: No, it's not the other boys birthday,

it's his party day.

Well, why don't you let Richie have a party on his birthday,

and the other kid can have a party on his birthday?



No, no, no, they can't.

The other boy's birthday is already booked.

So we can either have Ritchie's birthday

three weeks before or three weeks

after his actual date of birth.

Well, why don't you have it three weeks before.

And then on his birthday, we'll have a rerun.

Oh, Rob, come on.

Now what do you think?

I don't care, whatever you want to do.

Well, I guess three weeks before is best.

Good, let's neck.

Now quit kidding around.

I'm not kidding around.

I want to neck.

Oh, [inaudible],, we have to settle this once and for all.

What it is complicated?

We decorate the room, we have a few kids over

and give them ice cream and cake.

A few kids?

Here is a list of the available 8-year-olds

for Ritchie's party.

Available?

Oh, well, there must be 50 kids on this list.

No, no, 63.

63?

Well, how many of them does he want?

All of them.

All of them?

Mm-hmm.

Honey, you can't handle 63 kids all by yourself.

By myself?

Somebody has to go out for the birthday cake.

Darling, it won't take all day to pick up the cake.

Well, it will if I work it right.

[chuckles]

Honey, I don't see how an intelligent person like you

could even consider having 63 screaming kids in his house.

That's impossible.

Yeah, well, uh, see, that's another thing.

I wasn't planning to have it here at the house.

Well, what are you gonna do, hire a hall?

No, an amusement park.

Laura.

Well, Rob, they have this special birthday

party rate over at Dizzyland.

Dizzyland?

Yeah, the place with all the crazy rides.

The kids go on them and get dizzy.

They just love it, Rob, and it's become so popular.

Have you, uh, already booked this thing?

Well, um, tentatively.

I wanted to discuss it with you first.

But Rob, they really love it.

It's just wonderful.

First, the kids go on all the rides.

Then get dizzy.

Yeah.

And then, they take this little candy

cruiser over to birthday island where

they have the actual party.

And Ritchie's made king of birthday island

and gets to choose a queen.

And they go on a honeymoon and live happily ever after.

No, no, darling, then they have organized games.

And then for refreshments, they're

taken by the little elves over to the gingerbread house.

And the kids eat the house.

Yes, real gingerbread.

I don't believe it.

Well, oh, darling, that's the part the kids love best.

Well, Hon, doesn't he at least get a good

old-fashioned birthday cake?

Yeah, when they go to the ice cream volcano.

Volcano?

Yeah, instead of lava they use hot fudge.

You know that if we wrote this as a sketch on a show,

nobody would believe it?

Well, no, darling, it sounds crazy, but the kids love it.

The parents have nothing to worry about

and it only costs $2 a child.

So--

Hold it!

Hold the lava.

$2 a child?

Yeah.

That is over $100 for a kid's birthday party.

That's obscene.

We almost have to have a big party.

Why?

Well, these days, it's almost the thing to do.

And you don't have to stare at me like that.

Yes, I do.

It is pretty bad, isn't it?

When a kid's birthday party becomes a status symbol.

Well, I know it's awful, Rob.

But look, I'm thinking about Richie.

He's been to all these big birthday parties

and he's expecting one too.

Honey, I am not suggesting that he shouldn't

have a birthday party.

But you're planning, here, an orgy, a hot fudge volcano.

Honey, it is crazy and I'm against it.

Rob, I'm against it too.

Honestly, I am.

But look, we can't fight progress

so why don't you go ahead and call the amusement park

and make the reservation?

I do-- I want no part of juvenile decadence.

Well, then you're refusing to have the party

at the amusement park?

I'd like to think about it, that's all.

I'll tell you right now.

The only thing in your favor is my burning desire to see

a mob of kids eat a house.

Hey, I got it.

[piano keys clacking]

Oh, I didn't know you could play the piano.

No, get this.

Alan plays a part of a contestant in a quiz

show called "Save Your Spouse".

And if he loses, he gets his own wife back or else the husband

has to hold his breath until the wife answers a whole bunch

of questions correctly.

The game show idea is very good.

That's good.

BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, I got the game show.

It's like "What's My Line", only it's called,

"What Was This Fellow's Name Before He

Changed It To What It Is Now"?

And "Why Did He Change It Do You Think?"

Is that the title or the whole show?

No, it's the idea of the thing.

They bring a fella in, they say, this man

manufactures golf sweaters and he calls them-- you know,

he likes it-- so he calls himself Sam Golf Sweater

because he wants everybody to know he makes golf sweaters.

Well, what was his name before he changed it?

Al Paca.

Get outta here, Buddy.

You'll like it.

It'll grow on you.

I don't want anything to grow on me.

One-- one more, one more.

A girl lives in Pennsylvania and she's

so proud of her home state, she calls

herself Patricia Pittsburgh.

What was her--

ROB AND SALLY: --name before she changed it?

Phyllis Adelphia.

Oh, [inaudible].

[phone rings]

Today, you were saved by the bell.

Hi honey.

What's up?

Well, I just called the amusement park.

And I found out I can get it a lot cheaper if we

eliminate either the gingerbread house or the ice cream volcano.

Aw, what kind of a party would it

be if they can't eat the house along with the volcano?

They can nibble on the furniture.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Listen, dear.

I think I better go ahead and make

the reservations now, I mean, unless you

have a better suggestion.

No, I haven't got any better suggestions.

You'll see, darling, it'll be a fun party.

Yeah.

Seems to me somebody said that before the fall

of the Roman Empire.

All right, you're gonna have a party

with a volcano and everything and we weren't invited?

It's Ritchie's birthday party and you're both invited.

Oh, I just remembered I'm on a low volcano diet.

Yeah, me too.

I hear that lava is loaded with cholesterol.

Hey, uh, where you gonna have the party?

At an amusement park.

Hey, Rob, I don't like to butt in,

but why don't you have it at the house?

That's old-fashioned, today, to do that.

It appears that, ah, suburbia's latest contribution

to our culture is to see who can spend

the most money in the most outlandish way

on a kid's birthday party.

He's right.

You know that kid cousin of mine, Norman?

- Yeah. - One that lives in Little Neck?

Yeah.

What do you think they gave him for his 10th birthday?

What?

Little Neck.

I bet he didn't even appreciate it.

Right, he wanted Great Neck.

Boy, I'm telling you, kids today

don't appreciate anything.

ROB PETRIE: Mhm.

Do you know, Rob, that when I was a kid, we were so poor,

we couldn't even afford to have my eighth birthday.

I just skipped from seven to 9.

BUDDY SORRELL: You've been skipping them ever since.

Oh, thanks a lot.

When I was a kid, I'll bet my parents

never spent over $10 on my birthday,

but we had a lot of fun--

musical chairs and potato raises.

You know something?

We could never get my potatoes to raise.

And we used to whip them until the Eisen watered.

How about all that fun we used to have

with an empty milk bottle?

Yeah, flipping pennies in them.

No, stupid, spinning it.

Kids in those days really know how to have fun.

You know now we take them to an amusement park

and we pay to have them entertained.

Rob, do you know that my cousin

spent 50 bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?

You're kidding.

We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.

Sure you did, you were there.

You know, we're ruining the kid is what we're doing.

You know, you're right.

You know, kids, today, are jaded.

Yeah.

You're right, they are jaded.

You know something?

We're the ones that are jading them.

That's right.

I'm not gonna sit back and watch

my kid turn into a green rock.

Who you calling?

I'm gonna call--

Laura?

Laura, did you call that amusement park yet?

Yeah, and it's all set.

Well, that's too bad because I am gonna

have to call and unset it.

You mean, cancel it?

Why?

Because I don't want to live in the same house with a kid

that's turned green.

Rob, what are you talking about?

Laura, I am not talking, I am commanding.

There's going to be no amusement park.

There's going to be no 63 kids.

When I get home tonight, we're gonna sit down with that party

list and do a little chopping.

And you'll thank me for it.

Rob, I--

Goodbye, I'll see you tonight.

I enjoyed that.

Enjoyed what?

Talking like my father used to.

Now do you really want Billy Fuller?

Yes.

Ritchie, isn't he the boy that bites you all the time?

Not all the time, just at recess.

You don't really want him?

No.

Good.

We're doing great here.

Honey, we have crossed out 30 kids he doesn't really want.

There's no sense in having them, right?

Right.

Daddy, I wanna ask you a question.

ROB PETRIE: Sure, Rich.

Well, these guys I really don't want,

how do I get them not to come?

Well, simple, Rich.

We just don't invite them, that's all.

Oh, how do you uninvite someone?

What?

Well, all these cross outs, I've already asked them.

When?

Oh, last week in school.

Rob, could I see you for a minute in the kitchen, please?

Should I go wash my hands?

No, we'll go in the kitchen.

All right, you were very good at canceling

the amusement park.

Now let's see how good you are canceling 63 children.

Laura, don't do that.

Well, what then, Rob?

63 kids are planning to descend on our house.

Well, just don't panic.

There's a way out.

What is it?

Oh.

How about a clown?

Millie told me about this clown who entertains

at children's parties.

He's very good.

I think we can get them for less than--

Honey, I don't care how much it costs.

Honey, money is not the point.

It's the principle of the thing.

Parents shouldn't depend on professionals

to entertain their own kids at a simple birthday party.

But he's our son, we're his parents

and we ought to give of ourselves a little bit.

Well, Rob, I agree with you, we should give of ourselves.

But let's be reasonable, there are two of us and 63 of them.

Well, there'll be six of us, Buddy and Sally,

and there'll be Millie and Jerry, and you and me.

We can come up with games and contests.

What kind of games?

We'll think of something that's not

gonna wreck the whole house.

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

We-- we can play living statues and, uh,

the quietest kid contest.

I like that.

Rob, 63 children won't even fit in this house.

We'll have it in the backyard.

There's plenty of room out there, honey.

That's what we'll do.

What if it rains?

It won't!

With you and I praying as hard as we can,

it can't possibly rain.

Did you see that day out there?

When I say it is not gonna rain, it's not gonna rain.

Don't you think we did the right thing now?

I'll tell you what I think after I see what that one

little gray cloud does.

That cloud's gonna stay gray.

That's what it's gonna do.

What's to do?

Well, you can take the string and run it from the patio roof

to the garage, blow up the balloons

and put them on the string, mhm?

Right.

(YELLING) I'll blow up my balloons!

No, not too many, Rob.

He gets dizzy, and I don't want him

to be nauseous at the party.

Come on, [inaudible].

[doorbell rings]

Hi.

Well, good afternoon, Madam.

We understand you're having a little children's party here

today, and we would like you to take advantage

of our unique service.

Oh, and what pray tell are they?

Well, we make Martinis for the parents.

Boy, am I glad you guys came early.

Buddy, Rob's out in the back decorating.

Ah, how long before we meet the enemy?

About three hours.

Just give us time to write a few farewell notes

to our loved ones.

Hey, where are Millie and Jerry?

Ah, just our luck.

They're both sick with colds and they're

afraid of infecting the kids.

Ah.

Why didn't I think of that?

Catching a cold.

LAURA PETRIE: Rob.

Hi, Buddy.

Hi, Sally.

BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, General, just come to join you.

Laura, we forgot.

The gardener comes on Saturdays.

Oh, well, if he's in your way, dear, just ask him to move.

He's already come and gone.

Honey, I'm afraid we can't have the party outside.

LAURA PETRIE: He watered.

We were afraid of rain and he watered.

So what?

So a couple of little darlings will get their feet wet.

Sure, let them wear their galoshes.

Yeah.

You're better off with clothespins.

What do you mean?

He didn't water.

There is 300 pounds of fertilizer on the lawn.

Fertilizer?

I thought the circus was in town.

And is it fertile?

Oh!

Oh, Rob.

Don't, oh, Rob, me.

That guy sprinkles that stuff on the lawn one time of year.

Now why did it have to be today?

Poor, Ritchie.

No poor Ritchie.

He's thrilled.

Right now he thinks he's the only kid

in the block with a birthday party

that's gonna have pony rides.

You better fasten your safety belts, folks, looks

like the party's coming inside.

Four adults, you get 63 kids in an enclosed area?

God, what lousy odds.

[chuckles]

Laura, don't look at me like that.

Rob, she's got a right to look at you that way.

Well, I just don't know how we're gonna manage, that's all.

Ah, how about-- how about we wave a white flag?

Now wait a minute, let's-- don't panic.

Here's the plan.

Jerry and Millie come over and infect as many kids

as they can.

Now look, we'll split the party

into three different groups.

Buddy, you'll take a group in the bedroom.

Sally, you'll take the living room.

Right.

I'll take a group in the den, and Laura

can flow through the house.

Oh, can she do that?

And what will the children do?

They'll have fun.

Oh, Rob!

There goes oh, Rob, again.

Honey, children are very resourceful if you

give them the chance to be.

You leave them to their own devices,

they will create their own amusement.

[YELLING, SCREAMING, LOUD CHATTER]

Oh, my god, Buddy!

What do you want?

Help me!

But I need help.

Oh!

Wait a minute.

Where's Rob and Laura?

They're [inaudible]

All right, [inaudible] who's watching them?

Check, I don't know.

Hey, [inaudible]

What is going--

Abandon ship, abandon ship.

Get back, get back. - What's the matter?

What's the matter?

The kids are flooding the bathroom.

Oh!

Hey, order.

Quiet!

[screaming] [whistles] Hold it!

Everybody shut up!

All right, now quiet!

Get those kids out of the bedroom.

Get everybody out from the den.

Get that hat off.

LAURA PETRIE: All right, everybody out.

ROB PETRIE: Everybody in here on the double.

I want quiet.

All right, quiet.

Now I want you to listen to me and I

want you to listen to me good.

I don't know how this started, but it has ended right now.

Do you read me?

Now you've all behaved abominably

and I'm ashamed of each and every one of you.

This is a home.

It's not a playground and it's not an amusement park.

I want everybody to be quiet.

I don't want to hear one peep out of you.

I'm gonna go call your parents and have them take you home.

[collective "oh"]

Not a peep.

I want it quiet.

I want to see all the group leaders in the kitchen.

Untie that kid.

Well, it's my fault.

No, it's not your fault, darling.

Yeah, all you did was go for the ice cream.

It's my fault as much as yours.

Well, Laura, you had to take care of Stephanie's cut.

You know, none of this would have

happened if we knew how to yell at kids,

but neither one of us being parents--

Well, I think it's just a little harder to buck the trend

than I thought it was.

Well, you were right to try anyway, darling.

I don't know about that.

Well, you had everything figured, but the fertilizer.

I mean, children's parties are getting out of hand,

and it's about time someone starts pointing it out.

Sure.

Let's get a national magazine to take

a picture of that living room.

It's just that it's hard to deny

your child something that other children are getting.

SALLY ROGERS: Well, I hate to be the one to break up

the seminar on morality, but you've got a room full of very

sullen kids out there.

Yeah, you know what that means when kids are quiet that long,

only one thing on their mind, mass retaliation.

Rob, you said that we don't give of ourselves

enough to our children, right?

Well, how about your going in there

and giving of yourself to them?

I don't think they want of me.

I think they want of my life.

Buddy and Sally, look, I know this is a lot to ask.

But do you think you could go in there

and keep them entertained for a few minutes?

Us in there?

Oh, thanks a lot, pal.

That's like sending a snowman into a steam bath.

I-- I know, it's a lot to ask.

But if you can just keep them quiet for a few minutes,

and tell them that if they're good,

a clown will come and entertain them.

You want me to go in there and emcee

a room full of eight-year-olds?

Would-- just for a few minutes, would you?

It's gonna be the greatest bookings since the Jascha

Heifetz played Birdland.

He had a violin to hit back with.

OK, what do you need?

Well, probably a mop--

- A mop? - --you know, for this thing.

OK, a mop.

And you need something to juggle with too, won't you?

- Oranges, I guess. - In the refrigerator, darling.

OK.

Honey, would you split me a rubber ball?

LAURA PETRIE: Split a rubber ball?

Yeah.

How about those-- those rain boots that you had?

Yeah, good, I'll use those.

Um, either there's a naked kid running around, or he melted.

Ah, I'll explain that to you later, dear.

Mhm.

Now, what about those pajamas, those funny ones?

My [inaudible] pajamas and a funnel, you know, to put on--

OK.

Thanks.

Oh, darling, you'll make a marvelous clown.

And I [inaudible].

Wanna help me put my jammies on?

Could I?

(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm.

Ee i ee i o.

With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there,

and here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink-oink--

I think we're singing alone,

(SINGING)Oink-oink here and a quack-quack there.

Hold it.

We're singing along.

Yeah.

(SINGING) Old MacDonald had a farm.

Ee i ee i o.

[clapping] That went over like a lead balloon.

Well, I got a funny feeling this ain't our room.

Ah, what other kind of kiddie song

have you got for us, Aunt Sally?

Well, how about--

how about "Lover Man and "Body and Soul"?

Sally!

We ran out of kids songs.

Well, uh, the show is ready.

Oh, come on.

Oh, you announce it.

All right.

Ah, boys and girls, Ritchie Petrie, the birthday boy,

is proud to present that stellar attraction, Robo, the clown.

I got a clown!

I got a clown!

[kids applauding and cheering]

Hey, you're not a clown.

You're my Daddy.

But-- but that doesn't mean I can't be a clown too.

No, you can't.

Daddy's a lawyer.

And Doctors.

And bus drivers.

And riders.

Well, that's right.

That's true, but-- but anybody can be a clown.

All you-- all you have to do is just want to make people laugh.

If you wanna be a clown, you can be one.

[chuckles]

[laughter]

See, I could be a clown if I want to be a clown.

All you have to do is think funny things real hard

and wish very hard that you wanna be a clown.

I'll show you.

[music playing]

(SINGING) When I grow up, I want to be a very famous clown

and have the people laugh at me when the circus comes to town.

I'll make them glad when they are sad.

I'll chase away each frown.

I'll blink my nose and tip my hat

when the circus comes to town.

And when you hear the old calliope,

you watch me and you laugh.

I'll jump like a seal and roll like a wheel

and stretch my neck like a big giraffe.

I hope you see me when I'm shown, when I become a clown.

Next year when I am fully grown and the circus comes to town.

Let's get him!

Hold it, hold it!

Bye, Ritchie. Thank you.

Bye.

- Goodbye, children. - Bye.

He's a good clown. Bye

Thanks, bye.

Boy, am I beat.

I'm sitting on one of those mortar shells.

I'm too tired to move.

I sure hope it's a dud.

Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.

SALLY ROGERS: Ah, do you want some help, Laura?

Oh, I'd love some.

Put an ad in the paper.

Thank you.

Oh, well, Rich.

Daddy, that was the best party I ever had.

Rich, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Look, next year, I would like to have a nice sensible party

with a sensible number of kids.

[doorbell rings] - OK.

Oh-oh, don't tell me the kids are coming back.

Oh, no.

No.

Yes.

Yeah, this is a place.

I have a present here for Mr. Ritchie Petrie from Alan Brady.

Oh, that [inaudible] man finally came in.

Yeah, bring it in.

Well, we were gonna put it in the backyard.

You see, it's a--

Oh, listen, the backyard is off limits.

Here, just bring it in here.

OK, you asked for it.

Isn't that nice of Alan to remember his birthday?

All right, a pony.

I'm so glad I'm gonna get a pony.

BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, Rob, a pony.

Yeah.

So Rich, I'm afraid, but you can't keep a pony.

But why not, Daddy?

It's only rented for three hours.

It's only rented for three hours.

[laughs]

LAURA PETRIE: Hey, you guys.

Who's for sandwiches?

I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.

[chuckles]

[gasps]

What'd you say, honey?

LAURA PETRIE: I said, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

[theme song]