The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 21 - The Pen Is Mightier Than the Mouth - full transcript
After meeting her at a party, late night talk show host Stevie Parsons invites Sally to appear as a guest on his show. The day of her appearance was a nightmare for Rob and Buddy as they had to write some jokes for her and deal with her nerves, thus not being able to do their real work, but they're happy for her, especially as her appearance ends up being great, and happy for themselves as life can now get back to normal - or so they think. Because the response is overwhelming, Stevie invites Sally back for a second night. The second day for Rob and Buddy ends up being worse than the first, so when Stevie makes an on-air invitation to Sally to be a permanent guest, Rob is concerned about how Alan's show will suffer. He's right as Sally takes more and more unscheduled time off to deal with her new found fame. Rob and Buddy need Sally in the office not only as a third comic brain but as a buffer between the two male egos. Rob decides he needs to give Sally an ultimatum. but Sally beats him to the punch with her own news about her long-term future.
[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
MAN (ON TV): And the weather in the metropolitan area tomorrow
will be cloudy with occasional rain.
Rain coat for Ritchie.
MAN (ON TV): That's it for the late news.
Remember, whether it's good news or bad news,
you'll always hear it on the Late News.
Stay tuned now for "The Stevie Parsons Show."
[music playing]
ROB: Is it on yet, honey?
Honey, is it on?
Laura.
Oh, Rob, let me sleep.
Honey, "The Stevie Parson Show" is on.
Oh, darling, why don't you watch it in the living room?
I'm just exhausted.
I told you, if you'd watch tonight,
you'd get a pleasant surprise.
Darling, there are no surprises.
I checked the listings.
First, there's a chicken flicking contest and some talk,
then a board-breaking man.
That's karate
Well, I know.
There's more talk, more flicking, more board breaking.
It's fun, darling, but not tonight.
Honey, I told you, if you'll just
watch tonight in between the chicken flicking and the kuh!
One of the talkers is going to be somebody you love.
Now, come on. Get up.
Up, up, up.
Oh, Rob.
MAN (ON TV): And now live from New York,
it's "The Stevie Parsons Show."
With tonight's guests, Mara the Magnificent,
Billy Balloon, Lenny Carter.
Rob, turn it off.
MAN (ON TV): And one of America's leading comedy
writers, Miss Sally Rogers.
Sally!
Why did you turn it off for?
Rob, go in the kitchen.
Get some coffee and something to eat.
Huh?
Get some fruit and some cupcakes in there, please.
Sally!
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Look at the size of that board, folks.
I know he can do it, friends.
I saw him do it at rehearsal.
That is the best board breaker he ever had.
Darling, the show's almost over.
Where's Sally?
[boards breaking]
Wow.
I don't know.
Isn't that rotten?
She was a nervous wreck all day long.
We wrote jokes for her.
We neglected our own show.
And then they're not going to let her on.
Maybe he's going to bring her on tomorrow night.
Oh, don't say that.
I couldn't put in one more day like we had to put in today.
[boards breaking]
[applause]
Hey, wasn't he great, folks?
Fantastic.
That board was solid oak, seven inches thick.
And it still is, because that last crunch you heard
was Billy Balloon's hand.
[laughter]
Good.
Now bring Sally on.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): And now, ladies
and gentlemen, I would like to introduce
a talented young lady. - Mm!
He's bringing her on.
ROB: Hey, I should have spoken up sooner.
I met her at a party the other night, and I--
I rib you not.
She was one of the funniest girls I have ever met.
And I invited her to come on the show.
And here she is, the writer of "The Alan
Brady Show," Sally Rogers.
[applause]
Rob, she looks wonderful.
You, uh-- you know our announcer,
Larry Taylor, don't you?
Oh, not as well as I'd like to.
[laughing]
Cute.
Hey, can I take your coat?
Yeah, be careful.
It's rented.
Listen, uh, Sally, I hope I didn't
keep you waiting too long.
Oh, you see that tree?
Yeah?
When I got here, it was a corsage.
[laughter]
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Oh, come on, Sally.
Listen.
You haven't been waiting that long.
Well, the only time I can remember waiting longer
was in a chapel in a wedding dress.
I thought you weren't married.
I'm not.
But I like to sit in the chapel in a wedding dress.
It makes people think I got close enough to get stood up.
Come on, Sally.
I can't understand an attractive girl like you
having trouble with men.
Oh, I don't have any trouble with men.
You see, I don't have any men to have trouble with.
That's my trouble.
Are you married?
Yes, he is married.
See, that's the story of my life.
Every nice person I meet is either married or a girl.
[laughter]
Now, wait a minute.
At the party the other night where I met you,
you were with a very nice boyfriend.
Well, Herman Glimcher?
He's not my boyfriend.
Oh, well, he seemed very fond of you.
Yeah, he is.
You see, he looks at me kind of a father image.
A father image?
He must.
Because every place we go, he brings his mother.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): I didn't see her at the party.
Well, you were talking to her for about an hour and a half.
You know, about skin diving?
No, I was talking to a little guy with a mustache.
That's her.
[laughter]
[cawing]
Sally, listen, backstage you were talking about, uh,
how hard it is to find a husband.
All kidding aside.
Would you, uh, really like to get married?
Would I like to get married?
Do kangaroos like kumquats?
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): I don't know.
SALLY (ON TV): I don't know, either.
That's their problem.
My problem is I want to get married.
Sally, you're wonderful.
Oh, oh, oh. You did it.
You did it. You saw it out there.
He did it. He touched my ring finger.
We're engaged.
Come on.
That's not your ring finger.
Well, at my stage of the game, everything's up for grabs.
[laughter]
If you found, uh, you know, a man that you like,
I bet you wouldn't give up your career, would you?
Bite your tongue.
Bite your tongue.
Don't you listen to him out there.
Listen.
If any of you out there have a lazy brother,
an unemployed uncle, or a nutty nephew, you send him to me.
OK, folks.
You can mail those photos.
What photos?
Send them!
The zip code number's 74398200--
Oh, my, Sally. I'm sorry.
But we've just run out of time.
Now wait a minute.
I haven't finished zipping my code.
497--
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Oh, that's it, folks.
Tomorrow night-- - She is marvelous.
She is-- is that all ad lib?
Most of it.
Buddy and I wrote her some jokes.
[music playing]
[interposing voices]
Bless America, friends.
Say your grace.
Goodbye for now.
You're wonderful Good night, folks.
[interposing voices]
[laughing]
Oh, Rob, she was just wonderful.
She was great.
You know, I laughed, and I know most of the jokes.
Gee, I-- I just never realized she'd be that good.
Don't say things like that.
What's it matter?
Didn't you think she was good?
She was great, but who needs it?
It was like a disaster area in that office today.
We never wrote anything for Alan Brady.
All we did was write for her.
Oh.
Well, I think they should have given her more time.
She was really marvelous.
Well, she was good while she was on.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
Oh, it was so rough at the office today.
She didn't lose any sleep over it.
Hey. Hey, Rob.
Here she comes.
Get the coat rack.
Hey, listen, guys.
[playing piano]
Ta-da!
[laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Coat Rack
Awards.
And the first category is the best performance
by a blonde writer on the late night show hosted
by an intellectual insomniac.
May I have the envelope, please?
Here's the envelope.
That's not an envelope.
No wonder I never get any letters from my friends.
Oh, you're crazy.
Sally, you were great.
You were marvelous, Sally.
Oh, boy.
I just hope I can do as well tonight.
- Tonight? - Yeah, tonight.
What tonight.
Today's tonight.
Sally, you-- you're kidding.
You're not going back on there again?
I thought you said you liked me last night.
We loved you last night.
But all day, we couldn't stand you.
Oh, but that was just opening night jitters.
You know.
Boy, it must have been contagious.
You jittered away a whole day's work.
Oh. Listen.
Do you know that after the show, that switchboard was flooded?
What happened?
The sink in washroom overflow?
Look.
I know it's hard to believe, but the audience loved me.
That's why Steve Parsons wants me on his show again tonight.
And you've got to write me some jokes.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Not again. - Oh, please.
Just tonight. - Look, Sal--
Please, just one more time and then back to normal.
Cross my heart, promise, please.
All right, all right.
I hate to see a woman beg.
All right.
We'll finish Alan's monologue, and then
we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
Oh, perfect.
But would you mind writing mine first, please?
Why should we write yours first?
Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor.
And Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
Well, he should.
The one he's got is very shabby.
I gather from, uh, what you're saying that you'd like
part of the day off then, huh?
Well, not part of it.
All of it.
That-- that is, if you don't mind.
Now-- now, Rob, will you cover for me?
Or would you rather me call you stinker?
I get enough of that at home.
All right.
We'll write some jokes for her.
Oh, I love you guys.
Now, look, you know what I think would get a lot of laughs?
- What'll get a lot of laughs? - Well--
Him in a bikini.
Sally, on behalf of Alan Brady and the entire production
staff, I want to congratulate you
for a brilliant performance.
Sal, be sure and get a rabies shot.
Gee, thanks a lot, Mel.
And guess what.
I'm going to be on again tonight.
Yes, Alan knows about it.
Stevie Parsons called him this morning.
- Gee, does Alan mind? - Mind?
He's delighted. - Oh.
He thinks the publicity will help our show.
Good.
The only thing that will help our show right now
is a good script, which we don't have a bad version of it hardly
yet.
Get to it. Come on, Sally.
Well, where are we going?
Oh, Alan wants you to join him and Stevie for lunch.
Now?
But we have work to do.
Well, let Rob and What's-his-name do it.
Come on.
I don't know about What's-his-name here,
but Rob could use all the help he can get.
Yes, that's right.
I don't know what went on here yesterday,
but that stuff you turned in was rotten.
Alan's very upset.
Let's try and think funny, shall we, gentlemen?
Hey, look, fellas, I'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I love you both.
I love you both.
Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
ROB: Why?
Well, because I feel guilty, you know,
hating somebody that loves me.
Well, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
You mean, you don't hate her?
Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Was this at the movie?
SALLY (ON TV): No, we were driving along in the car,
and I told him.
I said Herman, you've got to decide once and for all.
It's either me or your mother.
Hey, what did he do?
Well, he pulled over and dropped me off at the bus stop.
He gave me car fare.
Well, at least he was a gentleman.
No. No, he wasn't.
It was my car.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Isn't she wonderful?
Isn't she really wonderful?
We'll be right back, folks, after this word
from one of our benefactors.
Hi, darling.
What happened to you?
I thought you were taking the 9:05.
I took the 9:05.
Well, doesn't that get in at 9:45?
It gets into New Rochelle at 9:45.
It gets into New Haven at 10:30.
And I also had the trip back.
What happened?
I was so beat I slept past my stop.
Gee, darling, you must have had a hard day, huh?
Darling?
New Rochelle.
Oh, sorry, honey.
It was a hard day?
Oh, it was just terrible.
Working with Buddy without Sally is like playing
football without a helmet.
Would you like a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.
I had one in New Haven.
We had to rewrite one entire sketch
plus do all of Sally's jokes.
How'd she do?
She was just sensational, Rob.
You should have heard some of the things
she said about you and Buddy.
You should have heard some of the things we said about her.
Honestly, Rob, the poor girl takes two days off,
and you act as though she deserted you.
She did.
I'm just going to be glad when she gets back.
I'm glad it's over.
Tomorrow, Miss Sally Rogers is returning to the salt mines
to dig her own salt.
Oh, Rob, you ought to be happy for her.
She's having such a good time.
I'm happy.
Oh, shh.
It's back.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Sally.
[laughing]
Tonight, I-- I-- I rib you not.
It's the most fun I've ever had in this show.
How about it, folks, huh?
[applause]
Well, I'm glad you agree with me because, Sally,
I want you to come back every night
and be a regular on my show.
What do you say, huh?
Oh.
No!
No!
No!
Sorry, I don't know when Miss Rogers will be back.
Yes, I'll be more than happy to.
3684.
You're entirely welcome.
Here.
It's another note for Sally.
From me.
What's that?
You can't say that to a girl, not even Sally.
I'm mad at her anyway.
She told me she was going to be here on time.
You know what the least she could do is?
Is come up here and pick up all these messages.
That phone has not stopped--
[phone ringing]
--doing that for the last five days.
I'm going to fix these.
This is a recording.
Yes, when you hear the beep, you have 10 seconds--
hi, Alan.
No, Alan, uh, uh, Sally's not here.
She just-- just stepped out for a second.
Yeah.
No, I was doing a telephone sketch, you know, beep.
It's too bad you didn't call a second ago.
You would have caught her.
I sure will, Alan.
You bet.
Beep.
Bye.
You know, it's not enough that we've got to do all of her work
for her.
But now I'm lying for her?
Well, let's just stop feeling sorry for ourselves
and get down to work.
What do we got?
What a mishmosh.
Well, read me the mishmash.
Mishmash?
It's mosh.
Can't you speak English?
It's a lot of scribbling.
I can't read your stuff. What'd you do?
Write this with a dirty fingernail?
Will you just stop giving me reviews and let me read it?
OK.
Alan-- Alan entrances?
Enters.
Alan enters and steps deed on his trucks.
What's the matter?
Can't you read?
Terrible handwriting.
That's "stops dead in his tracks."
Hey, that's my handwriting.
What did you do?
Write it with a dirty fingernail?
Go on.
Read it.
Alan enters, turns and flaps on the flume.
That's "turns and flops on the floor."
Well, couldn't you at least read it so we can write it back?
Buddy, did you flunk penmanship or something?
Read it so you can write it back?
What'd you flunk?
Tonemanship?
Wise guy. A college man.
Go ahead.
You type.
Well, I can't.
I got to pace up and down when I create.
And I can't create and type at the same time.
Well, I write lying down.
And I can't write on my back.
I could write on your back.
Kick me hard, I'd like to write on your back.
I'm getting the impression that you can't write sitting up,
lying down, or any other way.
Look.
I can create in any position. Just try.
Go ahead.
All right, genius.
Dictate.
All right.
Uh, Alan enters.
Alan enters and comes in.
That's creative.
Very creative.
Three entrances and no exits.
That's brilliant.
All right, wise guy. I'll type.
You create.
Go ahead.
Now get this down, Buddy.
All right.
Alan enters.
[typing slowly]
He flops on the floor.
He grabs a chair, and a waiter comes by.
And he trips the waiter carrying a tray, and he falls.
L-A-N. That's Alan.
What comes after Alan?
All right. All right.
I'll type. - Wait a minute.
The thing got stuck. That's all the ribbon.
You just fix it. It's no problem.
Buddy, I'll do the typing.
Want to jump rope?
That's very funny.
Look what you did. - What I did?
You grabbed the typewriter.
Will you just please get me some new ribbon?
Oh, for heaven's sake.
This place used to be big enough for three of us.
Now it's not big enough for two.
You want a typewriter ribbon?
Here it is.
Well, at least we came up with something new.
What?
Black spaghetti.
Rob, I-- what do you think you're doing?
Making a licorice whip.
What does it look like?
This place is a mess.
Well, it just got messier.
Rob, what are you doing?
You promised me you'd get that script to me last night.
Alan's been chewing my head off.
Oh, is that how that happened?
[laughing]
Rob.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not myself today.
Yeah, he's getting to be more like me.
Notice the improvement?
What's happened to this organization?
Where's Sally?
Uh, dentist.
Foot doctor.
Uh.
Foot dentist.
She had her big toe filled.
Mel, she had to go to the dentist.
Then she was dropping by the chiropodist.
That's all.
All right.
I came here to get the script.
Now, you're the head writer, so--
Mel, what do you want me to do?
Write him a new head.
I want you to get me the script.
Tonight.
You'll get it.
And it better be good.
Oh, then forget it.
That's not funny.
[door closing]
Nothing is funny anymore.
Well, it's obvious, Buddy.
We're not going to get any writing done today.
Why don't we go home and write?
Well, I think we accomplished something.
Oh, yeah, we accomplished something, all right.
We broke the typewriter.
We insulted each other.
That's right.
We've never done that before.
It's pretty obvious we need Sally here.
You know what you should do?
I know what I'm going to do.
I know what I have to do.
When Sally comes in here today, I'm
just going to say, Sal, either cook or get off the stove.
You're right.
She's having fun, and we're having fights.
Hey, gang.
Hi, Sal.
Oh, I see you missed me.
Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, we were just, uh--
Well, it's a good thing mother came here to clean up.
What's all this?
Well, we didn't get a chance to fix it.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, I'll fix it later.
I'll take everything down in short hand.
Come on, fellas.
Let's get back to work, huh?
What do you say?
Work?
Yeah, naturally.
Now, what were we working on?
You're coming back to work?
What coming back?
I never left.
My shoes are still in the filing cabinet, aren't they?
Come on. Let's get back to work now.
OK.
Working positions.
Working positions.
Working positions, OK.
Now, what were we working on?
Come on.
We were working on a-- on a sketch where Alan is a butler,
and we need an opening-- an opening joke.
Opening joke.
Opening butler joke, Buddy.
Come on.
How about if, uh, the master says to the butler, uh--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've got it.
The master says to the butler, Jeeves,
did you put fresh water in the goldfish bowl?
And the butler says, why?
He didn't drink up what I gave him last night.
Good! That's good.
Good, good, goldfish.
We're back in the groove again.
[interposing voices]
Oh, Sally, have we missed you.
[knocking] - Excuse me.
I'm looking for-- oh, hi, Miss Rogers.
Bernie Quinn, "Woman's Week" magazine.
Oh, how do you do?
This is Robert Petrie and Buddy Sorrell.
Hi.
Hi, I hope you fellas don't mind if I take
up a few minutes of your time.
A few minutes is all the time we've got right now.
Rob, I forgot to tell you.
But, you see, they're doing a little article on me.
And they're going to take some pictures of me
while I'm working.
I thought you were coming back to work.
I-- I did, but I forgot to tell you.
Well, it won't take long, will it?
Oh, no, no. Just a few minutes.
Come on in, Dave.
Now then, Miss Rogers, where do you generally sit?
Well, I usually sit at the desk and type.
Oh, the desk, good. All right.
Would you fellas please clear the desk?
Well, can't we use the fellas?
What fellas?
Well, my collaborators.
Oh, they help you write the show?
- Yeah. - Oh, all right.
Come on in here, fellas. Let's group it up.
All right. Get in there.
That's good.
Yeah.
Now let's-- hey, Slatch.
You have to be in the middle?
He's the head writer.
He's the head writer?
Well, when we do his story, he can be in the middle.
In the meantime, you mind moving a little bit?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
All right. That's good.
You get in the middle, Miss Rogers.
OK.
All right.
Everybody, smile.
That's good. All right.
Yeah.
Later, later.
Miss Rogers, now let's get you sitting here at the desk.
Now when we get through here-- you get over there, please--
when we get through here, we can go to your apartment
and do the pictures with the cat.
Or we can-- you get right in here--
or we can do the Central Park Zoo stuff first.
Crouch.
I'm sorry, Rob.
I didn't know about this, really.
Folks, will you hold it, please?
I'm trying to focus. - Look.
I don't want to appear difficult, Mr. Quinn.
Now, uh, later, later.
Make believe she just wrote something funny.
Yeah, we'll have to make believe.
Smile. That's good.
All right.
Everybody, smile again.
To the camera, please.
What camera?
All I see are white dots.
I'll trade you.
I've got purple ones.
All right, smile.
That's good.
I guess that does it, Dave.
Come on, Miss Rogers, we're off to the zoo.
But-- but-- fellas, I'm sorry.
I really intended to work.
Honest, I did.
I'm sorry.
Rob, smile.
Eh, what's the use?
We can't get any work done without her.
Well, we might just as well call it a day, Buddy.
Look.
Let's work at home.
You do the opening monologues and the closing monologues.
Wait a minute. That's not fair.
You're giving me all the hard stuff.
I've got the hard stuff.
I've got to come in here tomorrow and fire Sally.
[door slamming]
Succotash.
[typing]
Almost as good, huh?
Where'd you get that?
Oh, it's my wife's wig.
She told me to drop it off at the hairdresser and get it set.
Besides, I figured if I look a little like Sally,
we wouldn't fight anymore.
And even if we did, we could kiss and make up.
I'm not going to kiss and make up because you and I
are not going to fight anymore.
I know what I've got to do, and I'm going to do it.
Will you take that thing off?
You mean, you're--
you're going to fire Sally?
Well, first, I want to give her a nice big either or.
Oh, another cook or get off the stove bit.
That's right.
We want her back, and we need her back.
And so I'm going to--
I'm going to lay it right on the line with her
when she comes in.
I'm going to say, Sal, what do you want?
Do you want the tinsel and the glamour
and the fame and fortune of "The Stevie Parson Show"
or do you want this?
I'm with her.
Boy, you must be out of your mind.
She's got to go for that tinsel and glamour stuff.
What kind of choice is that?
Well, I don't think she does.
Laura and I discussed it last night.
We both agreed that Sally's got to realize
that being on a nighttime television show
is a lot of kicks, but this-- this is her life's worth.
I mean, it's a lot of laughs being on television.
But this is for real.
Will you take that thing off?
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Rob, you-- - Hi, gang.
Oh, hi, Sal.
Did you catch the show last night?
No, we were working.
Oh, it was great.
You know what I told him?
I told him about the time the three of us
got caught in the elevator.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at all this mail.
Sal, I'd like to talk to you about something.
Yeah, Rob?
And you better listen.
OK.
Sal, look.
We realize there's a lot to be said for the glamour,
the footlights, and--
Uh oh, I know what's coming.
And that's why I'm here.
Look, you fellas have been great, and I've been wrong.
You mean that, Sal?
Of course, I do.
Hey and-- and he was just about to--
You know, with all the excitement and the publicity
and the attention I've been getting,
well, it-- it kind of threw me.
It made me forget my responsibilities.
Oh, Sal, you don't know how glad we are
to hear you talking like that.
Oh, Rob, I feel like a fool.
We should have had this talk the second night I
was on the Parsons show.
[laughing]
And we were worried.
Well, look, it's a tough decision to make.
I mean, you can be dazzled by tinsel and glamour, right?
Right.
Well, welcome back, Sal.
What welcome back?
I'm going with the tinsel and glamour.
But that's all that fleeting and-- and phony stuff.
I know, and I love it.
Sal, you mean you're really leaving us?
Well, I-- I'm not leaving.
I'm just taking a leave of absence.
I've already checked it with Alan.
But how long is this leave of absence?
Oh, I don't know.
Just until I find out what I really want.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll know when I'm gone.
There'll be a lot of crying and kissing, you know.
Look.
I've got to go check with Alan and Mel right now.
But then I'll come back, and we'll
all go out and celebrate, OK?
Yeah, right.
OK.
I'll see you guys later.
[door closing]
Well, it's going to be you and me, Buddy.
We're going to have to make the best of it, that's all.
Yeah.
I guess you're going to have to get somebody
else in the office, huh?
Yeah, we will.
But in the meantime--
I can't believe it.
You mean, she's actually leaving?
Well, no.
We talked, uh, to Mel and Alan, uh, both about it.
And we all agreed that it's not going to be her leaving.
It's going to be like a working vacation.
You'll have to get someone to replace her, though, won't you?
Oh, I suppose so for a few weeks.
But if she continues as a performer,
we're going to have to get a real writer.
A real writer?
Well, for now, we'll just hire a girl to do the typing.
That's going to be the problem.
Oh, well, at least you'll be working
normal hours for a change.
I hope so.
Trouble is, it's tough for Buddy and me
to work when there's a stranger in the room.
Oh? [laughing]
It's a funny thing.
Well, Alan said, well, if that's a problem,
why don't you have Laura in?
You're not laughing, honey.
Honey, would you please laugh at that?
It's funny, isn't it, honey?
You working from me, huh?
Darling, it's not so funny.
Oh, boy.
It really-- Rob, we could work it out.
I'm not listening.
Ritchie could go to Millie's house after school.
[humming]
Rob, and you and I--
No, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
[music playing]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
MAN (ON TV): And the weather in the metropolitan area tomorrow
will be cloudy with occasional rain.
Rain coat for Ritchie.
MAN (ON TV): That's it for the late news.
Remember, whether it's good news or bad news,
you'll always hear it on the Late News.
Stay tuned now for "The Stevie Parsons Show."
[music playing]
ROB: Is it on yet, honey?
Honey, is it on?
Laura.
Oh, Rob, let me sleep.
Honey, "The Stevie Parson Show" is on.
Oh, darling, why don't you watch it in the living room?
I'm just exhausted.
I told you, if you'd watch tonight,
you'd get a pleasant surprise.
Darling, there are no surprises.
I checked the listings.
First, there's a chicken flicking contest and some talk,
then a board-breaking man.
That's karate
Well, I know.
There's more talk, more flicking, more board breaking.
It's fun, darling, but not tonight.
Honey, I told you, if you'll just
watch tonight in between the chicken flicking and the kuh!
One of the talkers is going to be somebody you love.
Now, come on. Get up.
Up, up, up.
Oh, Rob.
MAN (ON TV): And now live from New York,
it's "The Stevie Parsons Show."
With tonight's guests, Mara the Magnificent,
Billy Balloon, Lenny Carter.
Rob, turn it off.
MAN (ON TV): And one of America's leading comedy
writers, Miss Sally Rogers.
Sally!
Why did you turn it off for?
Rob, go in the kitchen.
Get some coffee and something to eat.
Huh?
Get some fruit and some cupcakes in there, please.
Sally!
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Look at the size of that board, folks.
I know he can do it, friends.
I saw him do it at rehearsal.
That is the best board breaker he ever had.
Darling, the show's almost over.
Where's Sally?
[boards breaking]
Wow.
I don't know.
Isn't that rotten?
She was a nervous wreck all day long.
We wrote jokes for her.
We neglected our own show.
And then they're not going to let her on.
Maybe he's going to bring her on tomorrow night.
Oh, don't say that.
I couldn't put in one more day like we had to put in today.
[boards breaking]
[applause]
Hey, wasn't he great, folks?
Fantastic.
That board was solid oak, seven inches thick.
And it still is, because that last crunch you heard
was Billy Balloon's hand.
[laughter]
Good.
Now bring Sally on.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): And now, ladies
and gentlemen, I would like to introduce
a talented young lady. - Mm!
He's bringing her on.
ROB: Hey, I should have spoken up sooner.
I met her at a party the other night, and I--
I rib you not.
She was one of the funniest girls I have ever met.
And I invited her to come on the show.
And here she is, the writer of "The Alan
Brady Show," Sally Rogers.
[applause]
Rob, she looks wonderful.
You, uh-- you know our announcer,
Larry Taylor, don't you?
Oh, not as well as I'd like to.
[laughing]
Cute.
Hey, can I take your coat?
Yeah, be careful.
It's rented.
Listen, uh, Sally, I hope I didn't
keep you waiting too long.
Oh, you see that tree?
Yeah?
When I got here, it was a corsage.
[laughter]
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Oh, come on, Sally.
Listen.
You haven't been waiting that long.
Well, the only time I can remember waiting longer
was in a chapel in a wedding dress.
I thought you weren't married.
I'm not.
But I like to sit in the chapel in a wedding dress.
It makes people think I got close enough to get stood up.
Come on, Sally.
I can't understand an attractive girl like you
having trouble with men.
Oh, I don't have any trouble with men.
You see, I don't have any men to have trouble with.
That's my trouble.
Are you married?
Yes, he is married.
See, that's the story of my life.
Every nice person I meet is either married or a girl.
[laughter]
Now, wait a minute.
At the party the other night where I met you,
you were with a very nice boyfriend.
Well, Herman Glimcher?
He's not my boyfriend.
Oh, well, he seemed very fond of you.
Yeah, he is.
You see, he looks at me kind of a father image.
A father image?
He must.
Because every place we go, he brings his mother.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): I didn't see her at the party.
Well, you were talking to her for about an hour and a half.
You know, about skin diving?
No, I was talking to a little guy with a mustache.
That's her.
[laughter]
[cawing]
Sally, listen, backstage you were talking about, uh,
how hard it is to find a husband.
All kidding aside.
Would you, uh, really like to get married?
Would I like to get married?
Do kangaroos like kumquats?
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): I don't know.
SALLY (ON TV): I don't know, either.
That's their problem.
My problem is I want to get married.
Sally, you're wonderful.
Oh, oh, oh. You did it.
You did it. You saw it out there.
He did it. He touched my ring finger.
We're engaged.
Come on.
That's not your ring finger.
Well, at my stage of the game, everything's up for grabs.
[laughter]
If you found, uh, you know, a man that you like,
I bet you wouldn't give up your career, would you?
Bite your tongue.
Bite your tongue.
Don't you listen to him out there.
Listen.
If any of you out there have a lazy brother,
an unemployed uncle, or a nutty nephew, you send him to me.
OK, folks.
You can mail those photos.
What photos?
Send them!
The zip code number's 74398200--
Oh, my, Sally. I'm sorry.
But we've just run out of time.
Now wait a minute.
I haven't finished zipping my code.
497--
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Oh, that's it, folks.
Tomorrow night-- - She is marvelous.
She is-- is that all ad lib?
Most of it.
Buddy and I wrote her some jokes.
[music playing]
[interposing voices]
Bless America, friends.
Say your grace.
Goodbye for now.
You're wonderful Good night, folks.
[interposing voices]
[laughing]
Oh, Rob, she was just wonderful.
She was great.
You know, I laughed, and I know most of the jokes.
Gee, I-- I just never realized she'd be that good.
Don't say things like that.
What's it matter?
Didn't you think she was good?
She was great, but who needs it?
It was like a disaster area in that office today.
We never wrote anything for Alan Brady.
All we did was write for her.
Oh.
Well, I think they should have given her more time.
She was really marvelous.
Well, she was good while she was on.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
Oh, it was so rough at the office today.
She didn't lose any sleep over it.
Hey. Hey, Rob.
Here she comes.
Get the coat rack.
Hey, listen, guys.
[playing piano]
Ta-da!
[laughing]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Coat Rack
Awards.
And the first category is the best performance
by a blonde writer on the late night show hosted
by an intellectual insomniac.
May I have the envelope, please?
Here's the envelope.
That's not an envelope.
No wonder I never get any letters from my friends.
Oh, you're crazy.
Sally, you were great.
You were marvelous, Sally.
Oh, boy.
I just hope I can do as well tonight.
- Tonight? - Yeah, tonight.
What tonight.
Today's tonight.
Sally, you-- you're kidding.
You're not going back on there again?
I thought you said you liked me last night.
We loved you last night.
But all day, we couldn't stand you.
Oh, but that was just opening night jitters.
You know.
Boy, it must have been contagious.
You jittered away a whole day's work.
Oh. Listen.
Do you know that after the show, that switchboard was flooded?
What happened?
The sink in washroom overflow?
Look.
I know it's hard to believe, but the audience loved me.
That's why Steve Parsons wants me on his show again tonight.
And you've got to write me some jokes.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Not again. - Oh, please.
Just tonight. - Look, Sal--
Please, just one more time and then back to normal.
Cross my heart, promise, please.
All right, all right.
I hate to see a woman beg.
All right.
We'll finish Alan's monologue, and then
we'll go to work on yours. Is that good enough?
Oh, perfect.
But would you mind writing mine first, please?
Why should we write yours first?
Well, Alan doesn't have to go to the beauty parlor.
And Alan doesn't have to buy a new dress.
Well, he should.
The one he's got is very shabby.
I gather from, uh, what you're saying that you'd like
part of the day off then, huh?
Well, not part of it.
All of it.
That-- that is, if you don't mind.
Now-- now, Rob, will you cover for me?
Or would you rather me call you stinker?
I get enough of that at home.
All right.
We'll write some jokes for her.
Oh, I love you guys.
Now, look, you know what I think would get a lot of laughs?
- What'll get a lot of laughs? - Well--
Him in a bikini.
Sally, on behalf of Alan Brady and the entire production
staff, I want to congratulate you
for a brilliant performance.
Sal, be sure and get a rabies shot.
Gee, thanks a lot, Mel.
And guess what.
I'm going to be on again tonight.
Yes, Alan knows about it.
Stevie Parsons called him this morning.
- Gee, does Alan mind? - Mind?
He's delighted. - Oh.
He thinks the publicity will help our show.
Good.
The only thing that will help our show right now
is a good script, which we don't have a bad version of it hardly
yet.
Get to it. Come on, Sally.
Well, where are we going?
Oh, Alan wants you to join him and Stevie for lunch.
Now?
But we have work to do.
Well, let Rob and What's-his-name do it.
Come on.
I don't know about What's-his-name here,
but Rob could use all the help he can get.
Yes, that's right.
I don't know what went on here yesterday,
but that stuff you turned in was rotten.
Alan's very upset.
Let's try and think funny, shall we, gentlemen?
Hey, look, fellas, I'll try to get back as soon as I can.
I love you both.
I love you both.
Boy, I wish she wouldn't have said that.
ROB: Why?
Well, because I feel guilty, you know,
hating somebody that loves me.
Well, I think that's kind of childish, Buddy.
You mean, you don't hate her?
Oh, yeah, but I don't feel guilty about it.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Was this at the movie?
SALLY (ON TV): No, we were driving along in the car,
and I told him.
I said Herman, you've got to decide once and for all.
It's either me or your mother.
Hey, what did he do?
Well, he pulled over and dropped me off at the bus stop.
He gave me car fare.
Well, at least he was a gentleman.
No. No, he wasn't.
It was my car.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Isn't she wonderful?
Isn't she really wonderful?
We'll be right back, folks, after this word
from one of our benefactors.
Hi, darling.
What happened to you?
I thought you were taking the 9:05.
I took the 9:05.
Well, doesn't that get in at 9:45?
It gets into New Rochelle at 9:45.
It gets into New Haven at 10:30.
And I also had the trip back.
What happened?
I was so beat I slept past my stop.
Gee, darling, you must have had a hard day, huh?
Darling?
New Rochelle.
Oh, sorry, honey.
It was a hard day?
Oh, it was just terrible.
Working with Buddy without Sally is like playing
football without a helmet.
Would you like a cup of coffee?
No, thanks.
I had one in New Haven.
We had to rewrite one entire sketch
plus do all of Sally's jokes.
How'd she do?
She was just sensational, Rob.
You should have heard some of the things
she said about you and Buddy.
You should have heard some of the things we said about her.
Honestly, Rob, the poor girl takes two days off,
and you act as though she deserted you.
She did.
I'm just going to be glad when she gets back.
I'm glad it's over.
Tomorrow, Miss Sally Rogers is returning to the salt mines
to dig her own salt.
Oh, Rob, you ought to be happy for her.
She's having such a good time.
I'm happy.
Oh, shh.
It's back.
STEVIE PARSONS (ON TV): Sally.
[laughing]
Tonight, I-- I-- I rib you not.
It's the most fun I've ever had in this show.
How about it, folks, huh?
[applause]
Well, I'm glad you agree with me because, Sally,
I want you to come back every night
and be a regular on my show.
What do you say, huh?
Oh.
No!
No!
No!
Sorry, I don't know when Miss Rogers will be back.
Yes, I'll be more than happy to.
3684.
You're entirely welcome.
Here.
It's another note for Sally.
From me.
What's that?
You can't say that to a girl, not even Sally.
I'm mad at her anyway.
She told me she was going to be here on time.
You know what the least she could do is?
Is come up here and pick up all these messages.
That phone has not stopped--
[phone ringing]
--doing that for the last five days.
I'm going to fix these.
This is a recording.
Yes, when you hear the beep, you have 10 seconds--
hi, Alan.
No, Alan, uh, uh, Sally's not here.
She just-- just stepped out for a second.
Yeah.
No, I was doing a telephone sketch, you know, beep.
It's too bad you didn't call a second ago.
You would have caught her.
I sure will, Alan.
You bet.
Beep.
Bye.
You know, it's not enough that we've got to do all of her work
for her.
But now I'm lying for her?
Well, let's just stop feeling sorry for ourselves
and get down to work.
What do we got?
What a mishmosh.
Well, read me the mishmash.
Mishmash?
It's mosh.
Can't you speak English?
It's a lot of scribbling.
I can't read your stuff. What'd you do?
Write this with a dirty fingernail?
Will you just stop giving me reviews and let me read it?
OK.
Alan-- Alan entrances?
Enters.
Alan enters and steps deed on his trucks.
What's the matter?
Can't you read?
Terrible handwriting.
That's "stops dead in his tracks."
Hey, that's my handwriting.
What did you do?
Write it with a dirty fingernail?
Go on.
Read it.
Alan enters, turns and flaps on the flume.
That's "turns and flops on the floor."
Well, couldn't you at least read it so we can write it back?
Buddy, did you flunk penmanship or something?
Read it so you can write it back?
What'd you flunk?
Tonemanship?
Wise guy. A college man.
Go ahead.
You type.
Well, I can't.
I got to pace up and down when I create.
And I can't create and type at the same time.
Well, I write lying down.
And I can't write on my back.
I could write on your back.
Kick me hard, I'd like to write on your back.
I'm getting the impression that you can't write sitting up,
lying down, or any other way.
Look.
I can create in any position. Just try.
Go ahead.
All right, genius.
Dictate.
All right.
Uh, Alan enters.
Alan enters and comes in.
That's creative.
Very creative.
Three entrances and no exits.
That's brilliant.
All right, wise guy. I'll type.
You create.
Go ahead.
Now get this down, Buddy.
All right.
Alan enters.
[typing slowly]
He flops on the floor.
He grabs a chair, and a waiter comes by.
And he trips the waiter carrying a tray, and he falls.
L-A-N. That's Alan.
What comes after Alan?
All right. All right.
I'll type. - Wait a minute.
The thing got stuck. That's all the ribbon.
You just fix it. It's no problem.
Buddy, I'll do the typing.
Want to jump rope?
That's very funny.
Look what you did. - What I did?
You grabbed the typewriter.
Will you just please get me some new ribbon?
Oh, for heaven's sake.
This place used to be big enough for three of us.
Now it's not big enough for two.
You want a typewriter ribbon?
Here it is.
Well, at least we came up with something new.
What?
Black spaghetti.
Rob, I-- what do you think you're doing?
Making a licorice whip.
What does it look like?
This place is a mess.
Well, it just got messier.
Rob, what are you doing?
You promised me you'd get that script to me last night.
Alan's been chewing my head off.
Oh, is that how that happened?
[laughing]
Rob.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not myself today.
Yeah, he's getting to be more like me.
Notice the improvement?
What's happened to this organization?
Where's Sally?
Uh, dentist.
Foot doctor.
Uh.
Foot dentist.
She had her big toe filled.
Mel, she had to go to the dentist.
Then she was dropping by the chiropodist.
That's all.
All right.
I came here to get the script.
Now, you're the head writer, so--
Mel, what do you want me to do?
Write him a new head.
I want you to get me the script.
Tonight.
You'll get it.
And it better be good.
Oh, then forget it.
That's not funny.
[door closing]
Nothing is funny anymore.
Well, it's obvious, Buddy.
We're not going to get any writing done today.
Why don't we go home and write?
Well, I think we accomplished something.
Oh, yeah, we accomplished something, all right.
We broke the typewriter.
We insulted each other.
That's right.
We've never done that before.
It's pretty obvious we need Sally here.
You know what you should do?
I know what I'm going to do.
I know what I have to do.
When Sally comes in here today, I'm
just going to say, Sal, either cook or get off the stove.
You're right.
She's having fun, and we're having fights.
Hey, gang.
Hi, Sal.
Oh, I see you missed me.
Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, we were just, uh--
Well, it's a good thing mother came here to clean up.
What's all this?
Well, we didn't get a chance to fix it.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, I'll fix it later.
I'll take everything down in short hand.
Come on, fellas.
Let's get back to work, huh?
What do you say?
Work?
Yeah, naturally.
Now, what were we working on?
You're coming back to work?
What coming back?
I never left.
My shoes are still in the filing cabinet, aren't they?
Come on. Let's get back to work now.
OK.
Working positions.
Working positions.
Working positions, OK.
Now, what were we working on?
Come on.
We were working on a-- on a sketch where Alan is a butler,
and we need an opening-- an opening joke.
Opening joke.
Opening butler joke, Buddy.
Come on.
How about if, uh, the master says to the butler, uh--
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I've got it.
The master says to the butler, Jeeves,
did you put fresh water in the goldfish bowl?
And the butler says, why?
He didn't drink up what I gave him last night.
Good! That's good.
Good, good, goldfish.
We're back in the groove again.
[interposing voices]
Oh, Sally, have we missed you.
[knocking] - Excuse me.
I'm looking for-- oh, hi, Miss Rogers.
Bernie Quinn, "Woman's Week" magazine.
Oh, how do you do?
This is Robert Petrie and Buddy Sorrell.
Hi.
Hi, I hope you fellas don't mind if I take
up a few minutes of your time.
A few minutes is all the time we've got right now.
Rob, I forgot to tell you.
But, you see, they're doing a little article on me.
And they're going to take some pictures of me
while I'm working.
I thought you were coming back to work.
I-- I did, but I forgot to tell you.
Well, it won't take long, will it?
Oh, no, no. Just a few minutes.
Come on in, Dave.
Now then, Miss Rogers, where do you generally sit?
Well, I usually sit at the desk and type.
Oh, the desk, good. All right.
Would you fellas please clear the desk?
Well, can't we use the fellas?
What fellas?
Well, my collaborators.
Oh, they help you write the show?
- Yeah. - Oh, all right.
Come on in here, fellas. Let's group it up.
All right. Get in there.
That's good.
Yeah.
Now let's-- hey, Slatch.
You have to be in the middle?
He's the head writer.
He's the head writer?
Well, when we do his story, he can be in the middle.
In the meantime, you mind moving a little bit?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
All right. That's good.
You get in the middle, Miss Rogers.
OK.
All right.
Everybody, smile.
That's good. All right.
Yeah.
Later, later.
Miss Rogers, now let's get you sitting here at the desk.
Now when we get through here-- you get over there, please--
when we get through here, we can go to your apartment
and do the pictures with the cat.
Or we can-- you get right in here--
or we can do the Central Park Zoo stuff first.
Crouch.
I'm sorry, Rob.
I didn't know about this, really.
Folks, will you hold it, please?
I'm trying to focus. - Look.
I don't want to appear difficult, Mr. Quinn.
Now, uh, later, later.
Make believe she just wrote something funny.
Yeah, we'll have to make believe.
Smile. That's good.
All right.
Everybody, smile again.
To the camera, please.
What camera?
All I see are white dots.
I'll trade you.
I've got purple ones.
All right, smile.
That's good.
I guess that does it, Dave.
Come on, Miss Rogers, we're off to the zoo.
But-- but-- fellas, I'm sorry.
I really intended to work.
Honest, I did.
I'm sorry.
Rob, smile.
Eh, what's the use?
We can't get any work done without her.
Well, we might just as well call it a day, Buddy.
Look.
Let's work at home.
You do the opening monologues and the closing monologues.
Wait a minute. That's not fair.
You're giving me all the hard stuff.
I've got the hard stuff.
I've got to come in here tomorrow and fire Sally.
[door slamming]
Succotash.
[typing]
Almost as good, huh?
Where'd you get that?
Oh, it's my wife's wig.
She told me to drop it off at the hairdresser and get it set.
Besides, I figured if I look a little like Sally,
we wouldn't fight anymore.
And even if we did, we could kiss and make up.
I'm not going to kiss and make up because you and I
are not going to fight anymore.
I know what I've got to do, and I'm going to do it.
Will you take that thing off?
You mean, you're--
you're going to fire Sally?
Well, first, I want to give her a nice big either or.
Oh, another cook or get off the stove bit.
That's right.
We want her back, and we need her back.
And so I'm going to--
I'm going to lay it right on the line with her
when she comes in.
I'm going to say, Sal, what do you want?
Do you want the tinsel and the glamour
and the fame and fortune of "The Stevie Parson Show"
or do you want this?
I'm with her.
Boy, you must be out of your mind.
She's got to go for that tinsel and glamour stuff.
What kind of choice is that?
Well, I don't think she does.
Laura and I discussed it last night.
We both agreed that Sally's got to realize
that being on a nighttime television show
is a lot of kicks, but this-- this is her life's worth.
I mean, it's a lot of laughs being on television.
But this is for real.
Will you take that thing off?
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Rob, you-- - Hi, gang.
Oh, hi, Sal.
Did you catch the show last night?
No, we were working.
Oh, it was great.
You know what I told him?
I told him about the time the three of us
got caught in the elevator.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at all this mail.
Sal, I'd like to talk to you about something.
Yeah, Rob?
And you better listen.
OK.
Sal, look.
We realize there's a lot to be said for the glamour,
the footlights, and--
Uh oh, I know what's coming.
And that's why I'm here.
Look, you fellas have been great, and I've been wrong.
You mean that, Sal?
Of course, I do.
Hey and-- and he was just about to--
You know, with all the excitement and the publicity
and the attention I've been getting,
well, it-- it kind of threw me.
It made me forget my responsibilities.
Oh, Sal, you don't know how glad we are
to hear you talking like that.
Oh, Rob, I feel like a fool.
We should have had this talk the second night I
was on the Parsons show.
[laughing]
And we were worried.
Well, look, it's a tough decision to make.
I mean, you can be dazzled by tinsel and glamour, right?
Right.
Well, welcome back, Sal.
What welcome back?
I'm going with the tinsel and glamour.
But that's all that fleeting and-- and phony stuff.
I know, and I love it.
Sal, you mean you're really leaving us?
Well, I-- I'm not leaving.
I'm just taking a leave of absence.
I've already checked it with Alan.
But how long is this leave of absence?
Oh, I don't know.
Just until I find out what I really want.
Oh, don't worry.
You'll know when I'm gone.
There'll be a lot of crying and kissing, you know.
Look.
I've got to go check with Alan and Mel right now.
But then I'll come back, and we'll
all go out and celebrate, OK?
Yeah, right.
OK.
I'll see you guys later.
[door closing]
Well, it's going to be you and me, Buddy.
We're going to have to make the best of it, that's all.
Yeah.
I guess you're going to have to get somebody
else in the office, huh?
Yeah, we will.
But in the meantime--
I can't believe it.
You mean, she's actually leaving?
Well, no.
We talked, uh, to Mel and Alan, uh, both about it.
And we all agreed that it's not going to be her leaving.
It's going to be like a working vacation.
You'll have to get someone to replace her, though, won't you?
Oh, I suppose so for a few weeks.
But if she continues as a performer,
we're going to have to get a real writer.
A real writer?
Well, for now, we'll just hire a girl to do the typing.
That's going to be the problem.
Oh, well, at least you'll be working
normal hours for a change.
I hope so.
Trouble is, it's tough for Buddy and me
to work when there's a stranger in the room.
Oh? [laughing]
It's a funny thing.
Well, Alan said, well, if that's a problem,
why don't you have Laura in?
You're not laughing, honey.
Honey, would you please laugh at that?
It's funny, isn't it, honey?
You working from me, huh?
Darling, it's not so funny.
Oh, boy.
It really-- Rob, we could work it out.
I'm not listening.
Ritchie could go to Millie's house after school.
[humming]
Rob, and you and I--
No, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!
[music playing]