The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Lady and the Tiger and the Lawyer - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show.

Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi Ritch.

Hi daddy.

You're late. - Yeah.

I know. I didn't get a chance to call.

Is Momma mad?

I don't know.

She's in the kitchen talking to a man.



Anybody we know?

Uh uh.

He has a mustache.

He's a lawyer.

A lawyer?

Just because I'm late for dinner?

Laura?

In here darling.

Do you take it off when it goes ding or ding ding?

No, the ding just lets you know it's ready.

And then it'll shut itself off.

Hi Darling.

Darling, this is our new neighbor Arthur Stanwyck.

My husband, Rob Petrie.



Oh, hi Arthur.

Hi Rob.

Ow.

Your wife's been kind enough to instruct me

in the operation of all my new mechanical devices.

Oh, how's she doing?

Well, she's been trying to teach

me how to make a chicken roast itself

while I'm out playing golf.

I've got the same equipment in my kitchen.

But I must say, I'm thoroughly confused.

Listen, I never have been able to figure out all these timers.

You better let your wife do it. It's safer.

Yeah, I know.

But that's a big price to pay just

to get your stove turned off.

How's that?

Well Arthur's not married.

Oh, you're not?

I'm afraid I'm a bachelor.

Well don't be afraid.

Some of the most married men I know were bachelors.

We just love it.

Say, Arthur, are you engaged or anything?

No, nothing.

As a matter of fact, I'm so unentangled at the moment,

that next week I'm going to a Bar Association ball

with my brother.

Oh that's terrible.

Oh, no, no. Not really.

He's a rotten dancer.

I beg your pardon?

Well, his wife is an excellent one, and I take over for him.

Oh.

Well, I won't hold you two folks up any longer.

Thanks for the course in stoves and water heaters.

Listen, would you like to stay for dinner?

Well thanks, but I have a house

full of dust to rearrange.

May I have a rain check?

Sure, you can cash it in tomorrow night or Friday

if you like. - I'd love it.

May I call you on that? - Please do.

Thanks again. Bye.

Bye.

Call us if you need anything.

Thanks.

He's kind of a nice guy.

Very.

What's a good looking bachelor with a mustache

doing living in the suburbs?

Well I asked him that, not quite that way of course.

But he said he's looking for a quieter way of life.

Sort of a change from the bustle of the city.

ROB: Well I hope he finds it.

You know what I think he's looking for?

ROB: What? - A wife.

Yeah?

Who's?

LAURA: Oh, well don't--

I won't give him yours.

Well that's OK.

Listen, Darling.

I know how you hate it, but would you mind if I took

one more fling at matchmaking?

What if I said no to that?

I'll probably do it behind your back.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Well go ahead if you want to, but I

don't think that he's her type.

He's who's type?

Well, Sally of course.

Oh, I agree.

But why bother about it?

Well I was thinking about my cousin Donna.

Your cousin Donna?

Yeah, she'd be just perfect for him Rob.

Are you kidding, honey?

She's more imperfect for him than Sally is.

This guy strikes me as being quite a live one.

Well Donna's a live one too.

Well, yeah, she's alive.

This guy, he's a golf playing lawyer

that dances with a mustache.

Listen, there's a lot more to life than just dancing,

and I think Donna and Arthur have a lot in common.

Yeah, like what?

Well, like Arthur likes to live in the suburbs,

and so does Donna.

You'll admit that Sally hates the suburbs.

She claims that she does.

Besides, Sally once told me she hated men with mustaches

and Donna has always loved David Niven.

Oh, good, that leaves Sally free to meet Arthur.

I'm going to call Donna.

Call Sally.

Donna.

Call Sally.

We'll call them both.

Both?

Why, can you think of a fairer way to do it?

No, I guess not.

All right, call them both, and make the best lady win.

Still busy.

Now Honey, why don't you just forget the matchmaking?

We'll have Arthur over Thursday or Friday,

we'll give him a nice brisket of beef.

No.

We'll have him over Thursday and Friday.

What, two dinners?

Yeah, that way he can meet them both separately

and make up his own mind.

That's great.

I'll call Donna for Thursday and then you ask Sally for Friday.

OK?

Hang up.

What now?

Why should Donna get a head start?

What do you mean?

Well Honey, there's a psychological advantage

in the first meeting.

Oh, Rob, that's silly.

What do you mean, silly?

Do you ever hear of anybody falling

in love on second sight?

Oh.

Now that's just ridiculous.

Did you ever hear of anybody say second come first serve?

Rob, it doesn't make any difference at all.

That's right, it doesn't.

So I'll call Sally first.

All right, you go right ahead.

And I'll never speak to you again.

We'll be fair about it and flip a coin.

Heads, I win.

Wait, I didn't even call it yet!

Rob, you know heads is mine.

Ever since we've been married heads is mine.

Oh.

You sure you didn't used to take tails?

I hate tails.

I'm calling Sally, and I'm going to ask her for Friday.

And I'll call Donna and ask her for Thursday.

Agreed? - OK.

Wait a minute.

Oh, Rob, what now?

Now that we've got Arthur's future all planned for him,

you think we ought to call him and tell him?

Good idea.

Boy, since I put up that new target, my aim is beautiful.

You better cut it out.

Mel's been complaining of headaches.

Serious?

Really?

Oh, hi Rob.

Sal, what's your feeling about mustaches?

Well, they should be worn under the nose.

And women should definitely be discouraged from growing them.

And I'll ask you one.

What ever happened to good morning for a greeting?

I'll get to it in a minute.

Sal, tell me.

How do you feel about living in the suburbs?

Well, I'm not too crazy about them.

But if I get a firm offer from a good looking suburb,

I might consider it.

Hey Rob, you got a guy for our Sal?

Yeah, you got something?

I might have, Sal.

But he lives in a suburb and he loves it.

So I'll buy 100 pounds of crabgrass and convert.

No she won't.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

Well maybe you can, but the pig would be deaf.

Hey Rob, who is this farmer who is changing

my whole mode of living?

Well he's a new neighbor of ours.

He's a bachelor named Arthur Stanwyck,

and Laura and I'd like you to come

over Friday night and meet him.

Good, then I'll be there.

Suburbs.

Yeah, I'd like to look out my window and see a little green.

Why don't you get an apartment in front of a stoplight?

Sal?

Doesn't it bother you at all that the guy has a mustache?

No, just as long as they don't droop over his teeth.

Why, you're fickle.

You told me you could never go for a guy with a mustache.

Well that was last year.

Next year I'm accepting tattoos.

Boy, the guy that puts these corks in

must be the same guy that puts lids on macadamia nuts.

Why don't you use that new one?

The one that goes like that?

Well there's no challenge in that one.

Well they should be here any minute now.

I sure wish Sally was the one meeting him first.

Oh Rob, you're not going to start that now?

I'm not starting anything.

Will you please remember that this is not a contest.

So I hope you're not going to do anything that would ruin

Donna's chances of winning it.

But it's not a contest.

You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You mean I can't even lock her in a bathroom or trip

her like Sally suggested.

Rob.

[door bell]

Oh, Darling, would you get it?

I'll be right out.

OK.

And behave yourself.

I won't trip her unless she trips me first.

Oh, hi Donna. - Hi Rob.

Come on in.

Nice to see you.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

It's supposed to be that way.

I designed it myself.

Oh.

Gee, that's-- [inaudible] I've never seen anything like that.

Is that all?

Yes, that's all.

ROB: Honey, Donna's here.

LAURA: Hi!

I'll be right out.

Don't rush Laura.

Well, how you been Donna?

Just fine Rob.

How's Aunt Martha and Uncle Edward?

Well actually, I don't see my parents much anymore.

We don't have anything in common.

Well, except maybe your grandparents.

Actually, I could have more in common with my grandparents

than my parents, genetically speaking.

Hereditary patterns often skip a generation.

Oh, yeah.

Matter of fact, ours did.

Are you still taking harp lessons?

I never took harp lessons.

Oh, I thought--

I thought you played some kind of instrument.

Oh that was the Cambodian [inaudible]

Oh, that's right.

You're a [inaudible] player.

Yeah.

Well isn't that something like a harp?

Oh, no, not at all.

Actually, a [inaudible] is an East Indian milking

funnel covered with goat guts.

Oh, and you just kind of-- just--

Yeah.

I see.

Oh, G and E flat minor.

I think that's Arthur.

Oh, no, the doorbell.

You mean the pitch?

Uh huh.

E and E and E and--

Bom, bom.

Bom.

I didn't know that.

Hi Rob!

How are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, it's an excellent year.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi.

Arthur Stanwyck, I'd like you to meet

my cousin, Donna Palmer.

Well, I'm very happy to meet you.

Hello.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I have

these lovely hors d'oeurve in the oven

and I do hate to burn them.

Oh, and Laura, let me help you.

No, no, no.

You stay there and entertain Arthur.

I know you're a wiz in the kitchen.

And she really is a marvelous cook.

- Oh, is she now? - Yes.

She illustrated a cookbook.

Yeah, she draws the best food.

She once drew a boiled chicken.

Rob, I think that's--

Well Arthur, why don't you sit down this nice easy chair here

and make-- [clearing throat]

Wait a minute.

Sit on that sofa.

I think you'll get more out of it.

Well.

Donna, did you know that Arthur's a successful lawyer.

Oh, yes, I know.

Laura told me so.

Yeah, he's got his own ambulance.

And Donna here is a psychologist, Arthur.

She is?

Well, I hope you're not nursing any grudges against lawyers.

Oh, no.

But in my work as a psychologist,

I have had some rather heated discussions with members

of your profession.

That's wonderful.

I beg your pardon?

Well I mean, you and Arthur have a little something

in common there.

What's that?

Professional antagonism.

Paternalism.

Actually, I enjoy discussions with my lawyer friends.

Well I hope we enjoy our discussion tonight.

Oh I'm sure we will.

That's a beautiful stone.

What is it?

A rock.

I found it in my backyard.

I have some great rocks in my yard.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

You see, I mount my own rocks.

Did you mount this one?

Oh, yes I did.

May I?

A beautiful job of mounting.

Can you see with my glasses?

Perfectly.

Isn't that marvelous?

They both have the same prescription.

You know, actually I made a lot of my own jewelry.

Well, I've always admired people

who can work with their hands.

I've never been able to.

Oh, Laura, Laura.

Let me help you.

LAURA: No, that's all right.

[screaming]

Rob!

No, it's my fault. I'm just clumsy.

You are not clumsy, Donna.

You are very graceful.

She dances like the wind.

Oh, Rob.

Why don't you just lock her in the bathroom?

Arthur, would you like a glass of wine?

Thank you. Thank you, Rob.

I'd love one.

How about you Donna?

Oh, me too.

Oh, well.

Oh well what?

They both love wine.

Isn't that compatible?

[speaking french]

You speak French?

A little.

I picked it up from foreign films.

You like foreign films?

I love them.

Don't you just hate subtitles?

Oh, I despise them.

They make me nauseous.

Me too.

Oh, they both get nauseous.

What do you think of Ingmar Bergman?

Well I find his symbolism a little too blatant.

ARTHUR: I'm afraid I have to agree.

DONNA: You know the clock without hands in that Wild

Strawberries dream sequence?

Well its meaning was so obvious.

Oh, much too obvious.

But you are the first person who's ever agreed with me.

Arthur, have a little more wine there.

No, no, no, Arthur.

You save your palate for my chicken.

You know, a new set of screenings

is starting at the museum.

- I know, I'm a member. - You are?

Yes.

So am I. Isn't that a coincidence?

Well, isn't it?

A lot of people belong to museums.

You don't have to be the same blood type exactly.

Rob, why don't you come and help me in the kitchen?

Honey, we have guests here.

I'm sure they can take care of themselves, Darling.

Let's us go check my chicken paprikash.

Shall we?

Oh, I just love chicken paprikash.

Me too.

That figures.

Do you know if A Grand Illusion is scheduled?

Oh, I think it is.

Rob, what did you do with my [inaudible]??

Your what?

My coat.

Oh, ponch-- coat.

[inaudible], it's in the den. I'll get it for you.

Oh, no, no, no. You help Laura.

I'll get it.

Do you have a problem?

You need a chaperone, you just yell.

Now sir, if there's anything I hate worse than subtitles,

it's a chaperone.

Ow.

Why did you it?

That hurts!

Because you deserve to be punished.

You behaved just abominably.

You're winning anyhow.

I don't know why you had to give them wine.

Up till then, the only thing they had in common was rocks.

Well I hope you're not planning any more sabotage.

Oh, now you don't think I really tripped them on purpose?

I'll reserve judgment until the evening is over.

[knocking]

DONNA: Please let me out of here!

What is that?

Did you lock her in the bathroom?

What?

Oh!

Rob!

[interposing voices]

Donna, are you all right?

Hang on, Donna.

Rob, please, can't you do something?

Donna.

Hold on Donna.

Stand back Donna. Get out of the way.

We're going to get you out Donna.

LAURA: Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Come on out, Donna.

[screaming]

Oh!

Donna!

I feel so silly.

Oh, Rob.

That is the dirtiest trick of all time.

Don't tell me you didn't do it.

[interposing voices]

--told me you wouldn't do it.

[laughter]

Well, you can trip her all your like.

It doesn't seem to have any effect.

Actually, it's warm out.

I'll carry my sleeves.

Oh.

Invertable sleeves.

That's very clever.

And Donna designed it herself.

But you drive carefully now.

She's one of my favorite relatives.

Don't worry, she's in good hands.

Well, good bye all.

Good bye.

[screaming]

ARTHUR: I got her!

DONNA: Oh, I'm just so clumsy.

LAURA: Are you all right Donna?

DONNA: Yeah, I'm fine.

Good bye Rob.

Good night, Donna.

All right, blame it on me!

What did you leave in the walk?

I didn't leave anything in the walk.

She probably tripped on her own sleeves.

Oh.

Why, Sally hasn't got a chance.

Those two are a better match than we are.

I think I'll call her tomorrow and cancel the whole thing.

No Rob!

Everything's all arranged.

Sally's coming over tomorrow night.

Yeah, and they'll probably sit there the whole evening

and just stare at each other.

You think so?

I mean, do you think so?

So the messenger boy says, what are you talking about?

I just came to deliver a package.

That's the right punchline.

Gee, you're wonderful.

ARTHUR: I told you, I know all the jokes.

I'll tell you what.

This time, you just give me a punch line,

and I'll tell you the joke.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

OK, just the punch line?

OK, here you go.

All right, then give me a haircut.

OK, here's a joke.

A drunk walks into a bar room, and he says to the bartender,

give me a Scotch and soda.

And then he drops his head down on the bar.

The bartender says, I can't serve you.

You're so drunk now you can't hold your head up.

So the drunk says, all right, then give me a haircut.

Oh, Rob, this guy is the greatest.

I thought you said you were a lawyer.

Well I am, but as a kid my idols were

W. C. Fields and Fred Allen.

No Clarence Darrow?

No.

Frankie Darro.

SALLY: Well how'd you get so interested in law?

Well, somebody heard my jokes and sued me.

I had to defend myself.

[inaudible] hey, you're my kind of guy.

Yeah, there's nothing I like better than a good comedy.

More than foreign films and rocks?

Oh, I have a wide variety of interests.

- Hey, you like rocks? - I love 'em!

Oh, me too.

Emeralds, sapphires, rubies.

Boy, them's my kind of rocks.

Oh, you're talking to a poor lawyer, not a rich jeweler.

Oh, I wasn't suggesting that you buy them for me counselor.

I'm going to buy them for you.

You're my kind of woman, Mrs. Calabash.

Oh, that was a wonderful dinner, Laura.

And I hope you're not mad at us for running off like this.

No, not at all.

Do you know, it's not very often

that I find a date who's a shooting gallery bud like I am.

And the amusement park closes at midnight.

Well that's when the ducks go home.

They're unionized.

Listen, you two have fun.

Oh, don't worry.

We will.

And listen, if you beat me at the shooting gallery,

I'll pay your way to the exhibit right next to it.

What's that?

Tunnel of love.

Either way, I can't lose.

Good night.

Good night.

I don't get it.

I don't either.

He gets along with Sally just as well as he did with Donna.

But it's like two different people.

He seemed to really like them both,

and they both seem to like him.

Yeah.

Well, their problem.

Let's get some sleep.

You know, it's like that story about the man

who was going to open a door.

Didn't know which was going to come out, a lady or a tiger.

Remember that story, Darling?

[screaming]

What did you do that for?

I just want you to know that I'm

for my candidate, the tiger.

You sure Sally gave him her phone number at work?

Honey, she gave him her phone number,

her office phone number, home address,

and I think her zip code.

I just don't understand it.

He spends two wonderful evenings with two wonderful girls

and then doesn't call either one of them.

I think he probably will in a couple of days.

I just can't wait to find out which one.

Why don't you call him and invite

him over to dinner again?

Three nights in a row?

He'll think I'm after him.

Why don't you call him, Darling?

You're a man.

What am I going to say to him?

Well, invite him over to work in your hobby shop

or something.

Honey?

I haven't got a hobby shop or something.

Well, ask him over for some other manly reason.

Hi fella.

Would you like to come over and shave with me?

[door bell]

That's probably Millie.

I told her I'd help her hem a dress later this evening.

Oh.

It's him! - Hi!

Arthur Stanwyck.

Hey, we were just going to ask you over for coffee.

I just wanted to drop off a little something to thank you

for those two lovely evenings.

You didn't have to do that.

You will stay for coffee, won't you?

Oh, I don't want to bother you.

- No bother at all. - Not at all.

I'll get the coffee.

I got Arthur.

OK.

I'm not interrupting your dinner, am I?

No.

We always have little coffee and cake before dinner.

A diet.

It ruins your appetite.

Well I'm getting to be sort of a permanent fixture

around here.

Yes.

LAURA: Here we are.

Well that was fast.

Yes, instant coffee.

Oh dear.

Wow, it's a wonderful world we live in.

It certainly is.

Thank you.

There we are.

Honey, you should have waited for the water to get hot.

Well-- cold coffee is nice for a change.

I really shouldn't have anything anyway.

I have a date for dinner.

Oh?

You do?

Anybody we know?

Well, I doubt it.

It's my ex-wife.

Oh.

Your ex-wife?

Did I say something to shock you?

No, why?

You're wiping the tray with the cake.

Sponge cake.

What about your ex-wife?

Oh well, she just got into town, and she phoned me.

And so we decided to get together

and talk over old times.

She was my first, you know.

Your first wife?

Yes.

And my third.

I married her twice.

You've had two wives and three marriages?

Oh, yes.

None of them worked out.

I have this bad, bad temper you see.

And well, I'm prone to hit people that I love.

You hit your wives?

Well I have.

I must be upsetting you people with my problems.

No, no, no.

No, it's very interesting.

I've been going to this psychiatrist now,

and I must say, it's been very, very helpful.

I hardly hit at all anymore.

Well how about Donna and Sally?

Oh, they're lovely girls.

I like both of them.

Well enough to hit--

to take them out again?

Yes.

That's why I won't.

Now you see, my psychiatrist has advised me

never to take a woman out more than once until I've

completely solved my problem.

Oh, well that sounds like a good idea.

Oh, yes, it's no sense in hurting people

you've grown fond of.

No, no sense in that at all.

I'd have asked one of them to that dance next weekend.

But-- well, I like both of them too much.

Oh well that's wonderful.

I mean-- I mean that--

well, you know.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, goodbye.

Say goodbye to Sally and Donna for me.

Yes, we certainly will do that.

Oh, if you know any other girls,

I'd be happy to meet them once.

Well, I'll really have to dash now to meet my wife.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, don't worry.

That's just a nervous habit.

I don't like her anymore.

Well, bye.

I just want you to know I still love you.

Darling, there are other ways of showing people your love.

Oh, boy-- what did you-- that hurt!

Oh, come on, I didn't even touch you.

What, you didn't touch-- come on, put them up.

Rob!