The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Life and Love of Joe Coogan - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hi, Abe.

Oh, boy.

Hey, no wonder he won.

Look at the size of this guy.

Makes the whole golf course look like a pool table.

You don't know what the reason for it is,

but that's the most pleasant 18 holes of golf I ever played.



I got to agree with you, Rob.

When you first invited me to play with you and Buddy,

I got to admit, I had big qualms.

You still got them, but I think

if you zip up your zipper, nobody will notice.

Buddy, you promised to honor the truce

till we got back to the office.

You're right.

Melvin, I apologize.

Accepted.

Would you believe that, Joe?

That's the first time I ever saw Buddy apologize to Mel.

Well, it's a privilege to be here for the occasion.

Say, I want to thank you for letting me join you today.



It was our pleasure, Joe.

I think you were the stabilizing influence here.

Best game I ever played in my life.

You want to see something?

Look at that score, 68.

And on the second nine, I did even better.

Yeah, 51.

When you coming out again, Joe?

I'm going to try to sneak away for a couple of hours

next Friday.

I promised my wife I'd be home by 5:00.

It's almost that now. - Come on, Mel.

I'll drive you home.

I brought my own car.

Then drive me home.

I took a bus.

All right, no cracks about, uh--

I never make remarks about anybody who's driving

a car that contains my body.

Can I make sure of that?

Ask any bald-headed cab driver in New York.

All right, come on.

- Good meeting you, Joe. - Yeah--

- My pleasure. - Enjoyed the game.

Thanks a lot.

See you tomorrow, Rob.

All right.

What is that bit?

Just so you won't be tempted.

See you Monday.

Well, Joe, how about a cup of coffee?

Love one.

You have time?

Well, I am on a five-hour pass.

My wife happens to be a doll.

Can we have a couple of cups of coffee over here?

Your wife doesn't mind you having fun without here, eh?

No, as a matter of fact, getting me out of the house

this morning was more for her enjoyment than it was for mine.

I was pretty surly.

Golf as a way of relaxing people.

Yeah, especially when you shoot an 85.

Laura does know me pretty well.

She seems to want to make me happy.

You're a lucky guy.

Yeah, I picked me a good one, all right.

Well, here's to your wife.

Thank you.

Laura, was it?

Yeah, Laura.

Hey, how about let's drink to your wife?

I'm afraid we can't.

I don't have a wife.

A handsome dog like you?

Hows come some girl never corralled you?

It's a long story.

I'll bore you with it next time.

That's a deal.

I got to warn you though, I'm a writer.

And I'll probably adapt it and make a hit movie out of it.

It's called "The Life and Love of Joe"--

I'm sorry, Joe, what's your name?

Coogan.

I'll tell you one thing, it's going to be a short movie.

I've only been in love once, and that was a long time ago.

As a matter of fact, the girl's name was Laura.

That's a coincidence.

Sure is.

I was in college at the time.

I never knew I could write poetry until then.

Oh, it really inspired you, huh?

I spent all my time writing sonnets

and sending them to her.

Oh, boy.

I wrote some poems to my Laura.

Maybe Shakespeare was wrong.

Maybe there is something in a name.

Have you ever noticed how many heroines

in movies and television and books are named Laura?

That's true, isn't it?

Yeah.

Did you know that saltine crackers and coffee

together are terrible?

Thanks.

I'm so hungry, I don't care.

Whatever happened to your Laura?

She ran off and got married.

You mean just like that?

Well, not exactly.

She, uh, she joined a USO troop to entertain servicemen.

She was a dancer.

A dancer?

Yeah, last time I heard, she wrote

and told me about this sergeant she met in some camp

in Missouri.

Uh, Camp Crowder?

I think that was it.

I assume she married him.

I haven't heard from her since.

Well, that's-- that's amazing.

No, not really.

You, uh, well, you're not carrying a torch for her

or anything like that?

No, no, nothing like that.

Would you care for anything else?

No, I, uh, think I got to go.

I have to be running to.

Will you be playing again soon?

Uh, why, I don't know.

I'll be out here Friday afternoon, about 3:30.

3:30, well, if I can, I will.

Good.

Uh, thanks for the coffee, Joe.

Well, you're welcome, Rob.

He called you Joe.

Well, that's my name.

I know, but it sounds funny to hear someone call you that.

Some people can't play their regular game

when they know who I am.

You mean they can't cheat when they know, huh?

Well, let's say they become inhibited

when they know I'm a priest.

Hi, darling.

How'd you do today?

Well, just-- just fine.

Oh, OK.

Tell me all about the 3-inch putt you missed.

Well, I had a great day, honey.

I shot 85, and I missed a hole-in-one about like that.

Well then, how come you're not twice as happy?

Well, I am, I am.

Where's, uh, where's Rich?

He's at Stuart and Millie's.

I thought maybe you and I would have just a nice, quiet, fussy

dinner tonight.

Oh.

Darling, is something the matter?

Well, no.

Why-- why do you ask that?

Well, you have the strangest attitude.

Well, I'm a little tired I guess.

No, that's not it.

What do you mean, that's not it?

I don't know if I'm tired or not?

Darling, are you nervous about something?

What have I got to be nervous about?

I got a bogey and some pars, and I got one birdie.

Well, why don't you change, darling?

I'll put a steak on.

OK.

Honey.

Hm?

How's come you never told me about Joe Coogan?

What did you say?

I said, how's come you never told me about Joe Coogan?

Rob, you didn't.

I didn't what?

You found the shoe box.

The shoe box?

Don't play innocent with me, Rob.

You found it and you opened it, didn't you?

What do you--

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know about any shoe box.

You weren't down in the basement this morning?

Well, sure, I want to get my golf--

wait a minute.

Have you got a shoe box full of love sonnets hidden down there?

Ah-ha!

What ah-ha?

So, you didn't know about the shoe box, huh?

No, I didn't.

Uh-huh, well then, how do you know there are sonnets in it?

I didn't know. I just assumed.

Oh, really.

Do you assume that all shoe boxes have sonnets in them?

Oh, Rob, how could you?

How could I what?

You know what.

Those are my personal sonnet's in my personal shoe box.

Honey, I didn't read your personal sonnets

and I didn't see your personal shoe box.

Then how did you know?

I met your personal poet, Joe Coogan.

Where?

On a second tee at the golf course.

I don't believe it.

What's so hard to believe about that?

Well, it's just hard to believe that anyone would go

around telling someone's husband that he

wrote love sonnets to his wife.

He didn't happen to know that I was your husband.

Well, who did he think you were?

Just another golfer, that's all.

You mean to tell me he goes around telling strange golfers

that he wrote sonnets to me?

I-- I-- I--

I just happened to mention your name, that's all.

If you don't believe me, you can go

down there next Friday afternoon at 3:30 and check for yourself.

You made a date to play golf with him again?

No.

He tried to make one with me, But I just

didn't happen to feel like giving him a progress

report on our marriage.

Well, I just don't know what to say.

Neither do I.

Rob, I-- I apologize about the shoe box,

Uh-huh.

And just in case you're interested,

he didn't happen to get fat.

He's still pretty charming and handsome.

I don't think it was any coincidence

he ran into me on the second tee this afternoon.

Oh, Rob, you couldn't mean that--

Well, he could easily have arranged it.

For what purpose?

To find out about the stability of our marriage,

that's why.

Oh, darling, you know you don't believe that.

Well, I don't know, I just don't

trust your friend, Mr. Coogan.

Too nice.

Rob, darling, please forgive me for saying

that you read the sonnets.

I forgive you for that.

Well, darling, you have to understand

why I thought you read them.

I understand that.

Well, what don't you understand?

I just don't see why a happily married woman has

to keep a box full of strange love sonnets

hidden down in her basement.

They're not hidden in the basement.

They're not?

I didn't see any shoe box down there.

Well, you're just not very observant, that's all.

Because they're lying right there.

Where?

By the furnace.

There's no shoe box by that furnace.

Well, they're there.

They're right behind some loose bricks.

Behind some loose bricks?

Rob, would it make you happy if I burned them?

Is that what you want?

You just say the word, dear, and I will burn them.

Burn them.

No, sir, not if you're going to take that attitude.

I should have thrown them away the day I got married.

Laura, you wouldn't mind if I opened this up

and read a couple of them, would you?

I certainly would.

Well, maybe later, huh?

No, never.

Well, all right, but I'm not going to tell you what Sadie

Stein said about your hair.

What'd she say?

She thinks it's a wig.

Listen, if these were my love poems

and they made my husband crazy jealous, I'd keep them.

There's nothing worse than a complacent husband.

Oh, Millie, you wouldn't say that if you'd seen Rob.

He was so hurt.

I just was wrong to keep these.

I should have gotten rid of them.

A person should get rid of things

like this when a person gets married.

Oh, come on now.

Don't tell me Rob hasn't kept a memento

or two of his early triumphs.

Oh, I know he hasn't.

How do you know?

Well, men just aren't as sentimental as women.

Well, I disagree.

You never see a woman with a heart tattooed on her forearm

saying mother, do you?

Millie, what's the real reason I've kept these?

I mean, why didn't I just drop them in the trash

outside instead of bringing them in here?

I don't know, why?

Why did I only keep Joe Coogan's sonnets and not Philip

Cabot's or Jim Darling's?

Did they write you sonnets too?

No.

Well, maybe that's why.

Oh, but, they wrote me love letters and things like that.

Now, why didn't I keep theirs?

Because.

Because why?

I don't know.

Well, then why did you say "because"?

Well, I didn't say "because" because I knew what.

I said "because" to give you a kind of a springboard

to finish.

You would even keep writing love letters

except Joe Coogan's because--

Because I never really felt this chapter in my life

was closed.

I'll accept that.

Or--

Or what?

I didn't know.

I was giving another springboard.

Or--

Or because I was so young, I withheld

my true feelings about him, and now I'm guilty that I did.

I'll accept that too.

That could be it.

He wrote me these beautiful love sonnets,

and I answered him with nice chatty little notes

about what movies I'd seen.

I mean, I never even told him I was leaving

the city to join a USO show.

Why?

Because--

Because I was afraid he was going

to ask me to marry him, and--

And, and, and, and--

--and I was afraid I'd say yes.

Oh that, I can't accept.

It's true.

Well then, I'll accept it.

No, it's not.

Aw, Millie, I don't know why I kept them,

but what am I going to do?

About what?

Well, the sonnets, Joe Coogan, my husband, my guilt.

Well, I'd say, keep the sonnets, keep your husband,

get rid of your guilt, and see Joe Coogan again.

Oh, Millie, this is no joke.

Who's joking?

It's the only way you're going to get rid of your guilt,

by seeing him again.

Then you'll find out all the reasons why you didn't find him

as attractive as your husband.

Millie, that's a terrible idea.

Au contraire.

Oh.

As a matter of fact, after spending an evening with him,

you'll probably wonder why you ever bothered keeping

those poems in the first place.

Oh, Millie, you're so wrong.

Oh boy, are you wrong.

But even if you weren't-- which you are.

You are dead wrong.

What am I supposed to do?

Just sneak down to the golf course

and then accidentally bump into him?

Yeah.

OK.

Only to show you how wrong you are.

Boy, are you wrong.

This is the stupidest idea in the whole world,

and I'm going home.

Without finding out why you kept those sonnets

all these years, and why you didn't

burn them when Rob told you to?

I know why I kept them.

I kept them because they're beautiful.

And I didn't burn them because I consider them literature,

and I'm against any form of book burning.

Now, let's go home.

Now, wait a minute.

Listen, we're all dressed to play golf,

and we're here on a golf course.

So why don't we just play a little golf?

Because I decided I don't want to see Joe Coogan again.

I'm going home.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Father, I didn't see--

are you who I think you are?

Well, of course he is.

He's a priest.

Who'd you think-- oh my goodness.

Well, Joe?

Laura?

Father Joe!

Joe-- Joe Coogan?

Well, how wonderful to see you again, Laura.

Well, it's wonderful to see you too.

Well, what have you been doing?

Oh, yes.

Oh, um, I'd like you to meet my friend, Mildred Helper.

Mildred, this is my friend, Joe.

Uh, my father, Joe.

Joe-- Father--

Joe Coogan, Mildred Helper.

Nice to meet you, Mildred.

I'm fine, fine.

Well, how have you been Laura?

Oh, oh, just fine, fine.

Thank you. And you?

Fine.

I assume you have a family by now?

Oh, yes, yes.

Very happy, very--

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

Thank you.

Well, would you like to play some golf?

I'm afraid I can't.

I just had a phone call.

Something I have to take care of.

Aw, gee, well, that's a shame.

I'd really like to have chatted with you.

Well, so would I. I'd like to meet your husband, your family.

Oh, well, we'd love that.

Would-- would you like to have dinner tonight, or--

Tonight?

Well, or the next day.

Any time you say.

I may be free tonight.

Oh, wonderful. Good.

Uh, Millie, do you have a piece of fish?

I mean, a piece of paper.

We'll have fish because you're Friday.

Do you? - Yeah.

I'll get-- write it down for you.

Thank you.

Say, you know, this really is a coincidence.

What is?

Well, I was talking about you just the other day,

right here in this room.

Oh, really?

Say, I even mentioned the sonnets I used to write to you.

Do you remember?

Uh, the sonnets.

Oh, the sonnets.

Of course I remember the sonnets.

Millie, do you have the--

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's the address there.

Oh, good.

What time would you like me to come?

Well, 7:00-ish, for dinner.

Good.

Give me a chance to see what kind of a cook

you turned out to be. - Uh--

Laura's a great cook, one of the great cooks.

No, I--

I'm sure she is.

Well, I'll see you tonight. - Oh, fine.

Nice meeting you, Mildred.

My pleasure.

See you later, Laura.

Bye.

Joe Coogan's a priest!

Why didn't Rob tell you that?

He didn't know.

How could he not know?

He's dressed like a real priest.

He is a real priest.

Well, you know what I mean.

Maybe Rob didn't see him in his clerical--

Of course.

He saw him out on the golf course.

Laura, you know what would be funny.

No, Millie, that wouldn't be funny.

How did you know what I was going to say?

I thought of it to.

It's just not fair not to tell Rob that the man he thinks is

my long lost love is a priest.

What did you say?

I invited Joe Coogan to have dinner with us tonight.

Laura, where did you happen to meet Joe Coogan?

Well, at the golf course.

At the golf course?

Yeah.

You went out there with the hope of bumping into him,

didn't you?

Rob, I must say, you're being very un--

un--

ROB (ON PHONE): Un what?

Well, un something.

And I object to your tone.

You're going to hear a dial tone in a minute

because I want to hang up.

Well, I can't call it off now, Rob.

You will be home, won't you?

Oh, oh, well I'll be home.

Good.

Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye.

You, uh, didn't tell Rob that Joe was a priest.

Well, he didn't give me a chance to.

Anyway, I'm glad.

Now he'll see how foolish he is to act the way he just did.

Going to tell us what it is, or is it

going to be a staring contest?

Sally, what are you doing tonight?

Nothing, but I think I can get out of it.

How would you like to come to dinner?

What, to sit between Laura and her phantom poet?

No.

Well, yeah. How about it?

I don't know whether I like that role or not.

Ah, you'd love it, Sal.

It's the best-looking phantom poet you ever saw.

Makes Zorro look like a zero.

He's that good-looking?

What's he look like?

Oh, he's a cross between Gregory

Peck and Stewart Granger.

Hey, that ain't too bad.

What's his name?

Stewart Peck.

His name is Joe Coogan.

And you don't have to just sit there between he and Laura.

Oh, you mean maybe I can, uh, flirt a little bit?

No, a lot.

Rob, you've got a vengeful streak in you

I've never noticed before.

It's been in there for years.

I just keep it under control, that's all.

Well, I don't know.

With all the fish in the ocean.

I don't like to try to hook one that got away from Laura.

Sal, don't wait too long.

I had an aunt waited so long for her ship to come in,

her pier collapsed.

Look, Sal, it isn't only out of vindictiveness.

I want you to come.

I think you and Joe Coogan might make a nice couple.

OK, good. Then I'll go.

Now, let's see.

What dress shall I wear?

Shall I wear my velvet sheath with the slit on the side,

or shall I wear my lace-neck with the low V?

Why don't you wear the top of one

and the bottom of the other?

Well, goodbye, Laura.

And good luck. [doorbell]

Thank you.

I'll get it.

Hello, Father Coogan.

- Hello, Mildred. - Hello.

Father. - Hi, Laura.

- Am I early? - Yes.

I mean, no.

Actually, my husband's a little late.

Bye, Laura. Bye, Father.

Bye.

Well, come on in.

Sit down, please.

Thank you.

What a lovely house you have.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

My husband should be home soon.

He writes for television, you know.

No, I didn't.

Oh, didn't he tell you?

Well, you didn't.

I haven't met him, remember?

Oh!

Well, actually, you have met.

We have?

Yeah.

You see, my husband was the--

[buzz]

Oh, it's the oven.

I have some hors d'oeurves heating.

I hope you're hungry.

I'm hungry enough to eat a shark.

A shark?

Well, it's Friday.

Oh!

Yes.

Well, I hope you like my cooking.

I'm sure I will.

Well, I certainly hope that you sure--

Well, how's the old duffer today?

Old-- Rob!

Well, well, I didn't--

I didn't mean to--

I didn't mean you're an old duffer, Father.

Father Duffer, I mean Father Duffy.

Why, you're a sly rascal, Rob, having your wife

invite me here to dinner.

Oh, Rob, you came home.

Yeah, I came home.

I see you two have met.

I see we have.

You know, at the clubhouse, this husband of yours

let me go on and on about you, and never once told me

I was talking about his wife.

Ah.

Yeah, well-- well, I--

I didn't want to embarrass you.

You know, I didn't know you were a, uh--

Well, that's right.

You didn't, did you?

No, no.

I'm glad you are.

Oh, so am I.

Yes.

And were you surprised when Laura told you?

Yeah, ho ho ho, was I surprised.

Honey, speaking of surprises, I invited Sally over for dinner.

Sally's coming here?

Yeah, I wanted her to meet, uh, Father, uh, Coogan.

Oh, oh, Rob, where is she?

Well, she followed me in her car.

She should be here about any minute now.

I'll set another place.

Well, that's all right.

Gee, darling, I sure wish you'd told me Sally was coming.

I wish you'd tell me something once in a while.

Yes, I know.

I'll try to stop her before she gets in the door.

Would you?

[vigorous knocking]

OK, Sally's here!

- Yeah, well-- - Hi!

Hi, Sally.

Obviously, [inaudible].

Where's this tall, good-looking, charming priest

you wanted me to meet?

Well, I, uh, I'm the only priest here,

so I guess it must be me.

SALLY: Ho ho.

Welp, uh, Sally, I'd like for you to meet the Father Coogan.

And, uh, Father Coogan, I'd like for you

to meet, uh, Sally Rogers.

Sally's-- she's very religious.

How do you do, Father?

Always nice to meet one of the flock.

Thank you.

Well, how-- how about--

yeah, how about a little, uh, wine for everyone.

Oh, Sally, can I take your coat?

No, no.

It's just-- it's a little chilly in here.

I'll keep it on.

[inaudible]

Well, Father.

I didn't know.

Well, here we are.

Nice warm, uh, friendly, warm wine.

How about a toast?

Oh, yeah, please, please do, Father.

To Laura and Rob, a long and happy life.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

And to Sally Rogers, may the next blind date Rob arranges

for you be more, uh, your type.

Oh!

Amen.

I mean, I'll drink to that.

Honey, I thought it was a lovely evening.

I know.

Well, why aren't you happier about it then?

I'm happy.

You still mad at me for being jealous of the guy

that wrote the sonnets?

Rob, I'd really rather not talk about it.

Honey, I'm going to bother you to find out

what's upsetting you, and I'm not going

to let up till you tell me.

You really want to know?

Yeah, I really want to know.

All right.

This is what's bothering me.

Oh, what to do with the sonnets, huh?

No, the sonnets themselves.

I read them over last night and I've been thinking

about them all evening.

And?

And, well, read one and see.

[music playing]

You want me to read one?

Yeah, read it.

OK.

[clears throat]

Mine eyes will ne'er behold which

my heart doth see so clearly.

Inward stirs this passion, deep, uniting,

leading my path away from all and to my love.

Well, honey, I think that's--

Read on.

I reach out for thee and pray your hand

be there to welcome mine.

You're light to a loom where my life

be spent, for my soul is sore.

Well, that's beautiful, honey.

Yes, it is beautiful.

And I feel so silly.

I, like an idiot, thought he meant me.

Well, who did he mean?

God.

God?

He was telling me in those sonnets

that he planned to dedicate his life to God.

Honey, I think you're right.

I know I'm right.

Well, you don't have to feel so bad about it.

Look at it this way.

You lost him to a better man.

[theme music]