The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 15 - My Husband Is the Best One - full transcript

[theme music]

NARRATOR: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, fellas.

What?

What this sketch needs is a funny entrance for Alan.

- Funny entrance? - Yeah.

How about a door with a sign on it that says, ha-ha?

Hey, how about Alan comes into the saloon

with his guns blazing?



What's funny about that?

They're still in the holster.

I got it! I got the joke.

You ready?

Alan comes in carrying a Colt 45.

A gun?

No, a middle-age horse.

Hey, what if Alan comes in the saloon--

he comes in the saloon.

He says, bartender, give me a whiskey and ginger ale.

Thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry, fellow.

Give me another one.

[gasps]



[coughs]

Now give me the whiskey.

BUDDY: Beautiful!

Hey, that's good.

Let's get that down on paper.

Rob! Rob!

Oh, this is urgent.

I'm glad I caught you before we went to lunch.

I-- what's the matter with It?

I hate to say this, Mel, but I think you're losing your skin.

Maybe it's the molting season.

What's urgent today, Mel?

Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan.

And as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.

Oh, they can't print that in the family magazine.

Well, you can say anything you want,

as long as you bear in mind that your contracts

are coming up for renewal.

Well, Mel, we can't go any interviews this week.

We're way, way behind.

Well, now, a Newstime cover story

is very important to Alan.

Now, I want you to take the reporter to lunch.

Hey, Mel, if this reporter's my type, I'll buy the lunch.

Tall?

Tall.

Good looking?

Good looking.

Single?

I think she's single.

[groans]

Now, Rob, I hoped that you would

escort Miss Moseby to lunch.

Well, why me?

Well, it's been my experience that interviewers

are more receptive when handled with charm.

What do you know about charm?

You got all the charm of a sticky doorknob.

Rob, remember, now, this is a very important story.

We want it accurate and complimentary.

Well, now, what do you want, Mel, accuracy or complimentary?

You can't have both.

Well, I don't mind going, except that Laura's downtown

today.

I promised to take her to lunch.

Well, no problem.

Just meet Miss Moseby a half hour earlier.

Laura can join you.

And Alan will pick up the check.

Well, why can't Buddy go?

Yeah. Why can't Buddy go?

No, Buddy can't go.

You go, Rob, because you're the only one

that'll mention there are two other writers on the show.

Yeah, I guess it sounds better if Rob

says all those wonderful things about me.

It's an interview, not a fantasy.

Oh, Rob, remember you're to discuss Alan and his talent,

not Buddy Sorrell and his lack of it.

Well, I know what's wrong with you.

Your hair didn't fall out.

It fell in and clogged your brain.

[yells]

He's so touchy.

Well, Rob, I guess it's up to you

to have lunch with Miss Newstime.

Yeah, here.

Use my credit card.

Well, you can use mine.

Wait a minute.

Alan's picking up the check.

We don't want you to pay for it, just want to make

sure you spell our names right.

Buddy Sorrell with two Ls.

Yeah, and don't forget, there's no D in Rogers.

You kidding?

You think I'd forget you guys' names?

Sure.

You know something?

I could feel very hurt by this.

Just because it's a big national publication,

you guys are intimating I'd forget my good friends' names.

Oh, well, now, wait a minute, Rob.

We were only kidding. We're sorry.

It's all right.

Just don't worry about it.

Bye, Betty.

Bye, George.

Bye, George.

Bye, Betty.

No, Miss Moseby.

I didn't discover Alan Brady.

He discovered me.

He loved to encourage new talent, always.

As a matter of fact, he saw my show

I wrote locally in Illinois and thought maybe I

could help him write his show.

Oh, his show is already on the air?

Oh, yeah.

As a matter of fact, he had two great writers already.

He had Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers.

That's two Ls in Sorrell and no D in Rogers.

Yes, you've already told me that.

Rob, there's been so much written about Alan Brady.

And, well, I'm looking for a new angle.

You mean something like what's he really like?

Yes.

I'm trying to find out what makes him tick.

Oh, well, you write a bad joke, he gets a terrible tic,

you know?

Oh, you mean--

you mean he's highly nervous?

No, I'm just joking.

He's a wonderful guy.

Oh.

Rob, I've done some research.

Is it just coincidence that the popularity

of the Alan Brady show rose when you

joined the show as a writer?

Oh no, you don't.

I beg your pardon?

You're looking for one of those man

behind the man angles.

I don't want to get involved in an article like that.

Well, then how did you become the head writer?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just the tallest one.

No, but really, the three of us are a team.

I'd like that understood.

Understood.

Are you trying to make my job just a little bit difficult?

No, I'm trying to make my job just a little bit safer.

Oh, here comes my wife.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Oh, I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long, darling.

You just wouldn't believe the traffic on the Parkway.

It was bumper to bumper the whole time.

Honey, I'd like you to meet Miss Diane Moseby.

How do you do?

Miss Moseby is a reporter with Newstime Magazine.

Oh!

Well, how are you?

Newstime?

And you're doing an article about Rob?

Whoa, honey.

No, she's just getting material on Alan Brady.

They're going to do a cover story on him.

Oh.

Oh, and you're interviewing the man behind the man.

Well, I've been trying to, Mrs. Petrie.

Oh, please, call me Laura.

Oh, if you call me Diane.

All right.

Tell me, Laura.

Is this man of yours as modest as he seems?

He's modest-er.

Oh, honey.

Well, it's true.

Don't modest men make you just want to scream?

They frustrate me.

Maybe you can help me break him down.

Oh, I'd love to.

Now, Rob, exactly how is the show written?

Well, as I was saying, it's a collaboration

in every sense of the word.

Buddy and Sally-- that's Buddy and Sally--

Well, who does what?

Well, we-- everything.

We throw lines and jokes back and forth all day long.

As a matter of fact, when the scripts finish,

you don't know who wrote what.

Oh, no, no.

I can always tell what Rob wrote.

She cannot.

Oh, I can too.

I can give you seven lines from last week's--

Honey, would you like a little something to eat?

No, later. Thank you, dear.

But does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?

Oh my, yes.

He's very creative.

One of-- the biggest contributor.

Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.

That would prejudice you just a bit now, wouldn't it?

No, seriously, Miss Moseby, even

at the first reading of the script,

Alan has so many routines.

Yeah, but some of those routines

are the ones that Rob performed when he was in the Army.

Oh, is that true? LAURA: Yes.

ROB: No, it's only partly true.

Honey, would you like a roll?

Thank you, dear.

It seems--

Here, let me butter it for you, honey.

Rob, why are comedians so reluctant to give

credit to their writers?

Well, Miss Moseby, you have to realize that a comedian

is like a bullfighter.

You know, when he faces an audience,

it's a real moment of truth, you know?

And if they don't like the jokes, they blame him.

They don't blame the writers.

Would they really bail on your show?

Well, I think we're just lucky.

Lucky?

Alan Brady is the lucky one if you ask me.

Honey, we didn't ask you.

And I would like to remind you that Alan

Brady is paying for this lunch.

Really?

Oh, why did you say really?

Is he cheap?

- He's not cheap. - Oh.

No, no.

I didn't mean he was cheap.

Well, is it irritating to have Alan Brady

get all the glory and applause?

No, no, absolutely not.

As a matter of fact, Alan Brady is such a great entertainer,

he makes the material look that much better.

I can tell you that the first time I saw him perform

my material on the first show I wrote,

it was the biggest thrill of my life.

And that's the truth. - Yeah.

And apparently, the critics recognized

it was Rob's talent that did it, because they gave

the show unqualified raves.

They said they liked it.

They loved it!

In fact, I have the review right here.

Are you still carrying that thing?

I had it plasticized.

Last night, veteran TV viewers were surprised and delighted--

May I take your order, sir?

Yes, waiter.

Would you get this lady a separate table?

--how, at the end of the show, Alan Brady

comes out sits on a swing with his

guest stars and drinks a soda?

Oh yeah.

That was Buddy and Sally's idea.

Well, I've never been too fond of that part of the show.

Well, this has been a most fruitful lunch.

I had fruit for lunch.

[laughs]

He says things like that all the time.

I do not.

Yes, you do.

Well, thank you for a very lovely lunch.

Where are you going?

Oh, I have to get back to my office.

Well, but what about my rebuttal?

Oh, there's no need for that.

I have quite enough material here

for an enlightening article.

About whom?

Mr. Brady.

Good night, all. - Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, Rob, wasn't that exciting?

It was embarrassing.

Oh, Rob.

Did you hear what she said about me?

Behind every great man--

--is a woman with a big mouth.

[inaudible]

No thanks.

I just had my shoes shine.

Good morning, Buddy.

Good morning, Sally.

Those who feel good in the morning

should have the courtesy not to impose

it upon those who do not.

Doesn't anybody know what day this?

It's Wednesday.

Wednesday?

We had one of those last week.

But this is not like any other Wednesday.

Look. BUDDY: Hey.

SALLY: Hey, it's out.

Alan Brady is a clown. BUDDY: Yeah.

That's right.

Our noble employer has taken his place alongside Khrushchev

and Castro.

And all those other dictators.

Hey, what about the article, Rob?

Can he sue?

I don't think so.

From what I read coming up on the elevator,

he's a smash, thank goodness.

Why thank goodness?

I thought it might come out a little differently than that.

Oh.

If it's all as good as this first paragraph--

it's right here. - OK, read it.

Here it is.

Good morning, staff.

Good morning, stiff.

Have you seen the current issue of News--

oh, I see you have it already. - Yeah.

How did Alan like it?

He's delirious about it.

When you get a moment, Alan would

like to see you in his office.

Not where I'd like to see you.

I'm gonna go in there right now, because why should he sit

on all that pent-up gratitude?

[music playing]

[knocking on door]

Oh, come in.

Good morning, Alan.

Morning, Rob.

Have you seen the magazine yet, read the article?

I haven't read it yet.

I hear it is just great.

Yes, it's just wonderful.

What are you going to do, light my pencil?

I thought you were going to smoke--

I'll let you know when I'm going to smoke.

Blow it out.

You haven't read it yet, huh? - No, I haven't.

Well, why don't you read it out loud?

What, you want me to read it?

Yeah, let's all enjoy it together.

Yeah, let's all enjoy--

Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

ALAN: Read it, Rob.

ROB: OK.

For all the hootin', rootin', tootin' of TV's doctors,

and lawyers, and Indian chiefs, the brightest star

on the living room screen is that master confectioner

of comedic fluff, Alan Brady, the top funny

man in the business today.

They call it the real me.

I always said you were the top comedian, Alan.

Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

Go on, Rob. Read, read.

OK.

Brady's climb up the TV ladder was cautious and constant.

And he managed to retain his natural humility.

That's true, Alan. - Yes.

You haven't read the rest of the article yet.

- No, I haven't. - Well, go ahead.

Read it. - Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

Go on. read it.

I think you'll be particularly interested in this next little

section that's coming up. Go on.

Read it, read it, Rob.

Read it, read it.

The chief architect of the merry mimic's mansion of mirth

is unheralded head writer, hardworking--

Now, speak up, Rob. I can't hear you.

What was that?

--hardworking, good-looking Rob Petrie.

ALAN: Good-looking who?

Uh, Rob Petrie.

Rob Petrie. Go on.

Go on. Read.

Read.

- Well, it just goes on and on. - Yeah, I like hear.

Go on. Go on.

Go on. Read.

Read. Read.

What does it say?

Petrie is truly the genius behind the genius.

Petrie is the what behind the what?

The genius behind the--

The genius behind the genius, yes.

Very nice.

Continue on, Rob.

The swift satirical sword belongs to him.

Brady merely wields it.

Isn't that something?

What do you think of that, Rob?

Isn't that nice?

You'd think I wrote it myself, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I thought so when I read it.

It goes on to say that I was practically a bum

before you came to work for me.

I don't know how they got that impression.

Neither do I. You know how many times your name

is mentioned in my article? - No, how many?

- 11. - 11 times?

You know how many times my name is mentioned?

- No. - Ha-ha!

- Uh, seven. - Yeah, seven.

7-11. That's lucky.

Not for you, it isn't.

You know how many times Buddy and Sally are mentioned?

They're mentioned as Buddy Rogers and Sally Sorrell,

your frolicsome fellow workers.

Oh, Buddy-- they mixed up the names.

- Yeah. - They left mine out completely.

Shut up, Mel.

Yes, sir.

Rob, tell me something.

Are you paying for a press agent?

No, no.

As a matter of fact, I was having lunch with a reporter,

Alan, and Laura joined us.

Your wife joined you?

Now, whose stupid idea was that?

Well, as a matter of fact, we had an appointment.

They said it would be all right.

Who, they said?

Who-- who they?

I-- I they.

Mel, you have done it again.

It wasn't Mel's fault. Every time I

said something about you, Laura would say something about me.

Next time, I'll talk about me and let Laura talk about you.

What next time are you talking about?

There's not gonna be any next time, Rob.

Now, get out of here!

How far out is--

From now on, go to your office until I

tell you whether my satirical sword needs any sharpening.

And next time you talk to a reporter,

will try to work my name in?

Even if you have to force it into the conversation.

I certainly will.

And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will you?

- I will. - Yes, very nice.

Yeah.

Where are you going, Mel?

I was just going to my office.

I'm not finished yelling at you yet.

Get back here!

What in heaven's name do you mean, how did I go to--

And it's the time I want this to happen.

Now, go out and get me some lunch.

MEL: Yes, sir.

Hi, there.

You remember us?

Betty and George.

Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.

Oh, what's to explain?

It's all down here in black and blue.

It's a little extra publicity.

So what?

Yeah.

Besides, we're past that article.

We're already up to science and medicine.

See if some guy can come up with a cure

for a stab in the back.

You're not gonna let me explain, are you?

What's to explain?

Already, eight million readers know that we're

your frolicsome fellow workers.

Listen, I feel honored to be a frolicsome fellow worker.

If I mentioned your names once,

I mentioned them 20 times.

Yeah, I believe that.

You do?

Yeah, he mentioned our names once.

I never said any of those things.

And I got a notion to sue that magazine for libel.

Yeah, for what?

The nastiest thing they said about you

is that you are charming and tall.

Hey, frolicsome.

What is it, fellow worker?

You want to get back to the sketch?

Yeah.

Here, send this to some of your school chumps in Danville.

Uh, let's see now.

Alan's in the dentist's office, right?

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, Alan plays the part of a wealthy Texas oil man.

And the dentist says, which tooth hurts you?

He says, drill anyplace, doc.

I feel lucky today.

Hey, that's very good.

That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.

Oh?

Well, would you mind signing this?

What for?

It's a receipt for the joke, in case anybody

asks me what I do around here.

Oh, Buddy, making him sign a receipt.

I think that's terrible.

Thanks, Sal.

Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.

[music playing]

Oh, hi, darling.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Rob, isn't this exciting?

I take it you liked the article.

I loved it!

Well, the phone hasn't stopped ringing all afternoon.

Rob, New Rochelle is proud of you.

Swell.

It's just too bad New Rochelle isn't the hub

of the television industry.

What do you mean?

Because downtown, they hate me.

Well, why do they hate you?

Because my name was mentioned more times

in the article than Alan's?

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, 11 times for me and seven times for Alan.

LAURA: Oh, I never noticed that.

Oh, he did.

Do you mean to tell me that he is

so small and petty that he counted how many

times his name was mentioned?

The bigger they are, the harder they count.

Oh!

Well, that is so petty?

He isn't mad.

Well, listen.

Alan may be a little upset with you.

But down at the shopping center, they love you.

Oh boy.

That'll pay off someday.

Oh, it already did.

It did.

They gave me the lamb chops they usually save for Gene Kerr.

Wonderful.

And Mr. Jacobs at the garage would

like an autographed picture, please, to hang up.

Oh, swell.

I'll look great hanging in the middle

of all those nude calendars.

Oh, Rob, I love this part here where they

call you a satirical sword.

I never thought of you as a satirical sword.

You know, neither did Buddy and Sally till I

stabbed them in the back.

You didn't stab them in the back.

Well, they think I did.

And they happen to be the stab-ees.

Well, why would they think that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because their names aren't

mentioned in the article.

Well, they certainly are too.

Look, right there.

Mm-hmm, Buddy Rogers and Sally Sorrell.

They mixed their names up.

Gee, I didn't notice that.

They did.

Well, Rob, it's certainly not your fault, darling.

You tried to get Diane to--

No, it's not my fault.

It's Diane Moseby's fault.

No, I don't think it's Diane Moseby's fault.

Well, whose, then?

Oh, Rob!

Are you saying it's my fault?

Why would I do that?

I mean, all you did was go on and on about me

like I was a combination of Mark Twain and Leonard "Bern-steen."

"Bern-stein," and I did not!

I merely said the things about you that I sincerely believe.

Now, is there anything wrong in a wife

being absolutely sincere?

Obviously.

Rob, these are the same things I've said

behind your back for years.

Now, why shouldn't I say them to Diane Moseby?

Because she can print them in a national magazine.

That's why.

Well, I just don't understand why

you're being so angry with me.

You don't-- you don't understand--

you embarrass me within an inch of my job,

and you don't understand why?

Well, you could have stopped me, you know.

Oh, boy.

I tried.

Halfheartedly.

Halfheartedly?

If you really wanted to shut me up, you could have,

and you know it.

How?

You could have given me one of those looks.

What, you mean one of those?

Yes, that.

If you wanted to shut me up, you could have done that.

Well, why didn't you?

You want to know why?

Yes.

I will tell you why.

Because even though I was embarrassed by everything

you said, I sat there, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

I guess, down deep in my subconscious,

I was in complete agreement with you.

That's why.

Then why are you shouting at me?

I'm shouting at me.

You're just in the way.

Let me tell you this, Rob.

You happen to have a very smart subconscious,

because you are the best one, and I just

like to tell people you are.

Honey, I want to tell you something.

No matter how hard you and I try,

we're not gonna be able to make a fight out of this.

- I don't think so. - That's right.

And you know why?

Because you're the best one, and you know it.

And so do I.

Right.

Now, what am I gonna do to reestablish

contact with Buddy and Sally?

Rob, I don't know.

Yes, I do know!

I'll write a letter to a Buddy and Sally.

I'll tell them it was all my fault. It was, you know?

You said it-- no.

No, no, no.

You write a letter to Buddy and Sally.

You're much better at writing things than I am.

No. No, no.

Write a letter to the editor of the magazine and explain it.

No, no.

I'll write-- what are you doing?

I am writing a letter to you.

It says, dear wife, shut up.

I will write the letter to the editor.

OK.

[music playing]

Oh, I'll be right back.

Yeah, well.

Hey, Buddy, maybe we're being a little too tough on Rob, huh?

Are you kidding?

After what he did?

Well, how do we know he did it?

Oh, he did it.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Because if it was me, I'd have probably done the same thing.

Well, thanks a lot, George.

From now on, I'll sit with my back to the wall.

Hey, look.

We were writing for Alan Brady long before anybody

ever heard of Robert Petrie.

Yeah, but Alan wasn't getting anyplace until Rob came along.

And neither were we.

Yeah.

Well, neither was he.

[inaudible] jazz all over here.

[inaudible] keep things clean around this joint?

Hey, Buddy, maybe--

maybe he is a genius.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Maybe we're all geniuses.

What is this?

Carbon paper.

Listen to this.

To the editor, Newstime Magazine.

As a more than interested spectator,

may I compliment you on the fine cover

job you did on Alan Brady?

Oh, you were right.

He's buttering them up for more publicity.

Yeah.

I seem to have been appointed the custodian--

--custodian for a good deal of the show's success.

And I think it only fair to divide it up right now.

Yeah. Most of the--

Most of the--

Most of the--

Credit.

--credit-- thanks, Rob.

Most of the credit should go to two--

BOTH: --writers who started with Alan Brady

at the beginning, Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell.

Two Ls.

Yeah.

And to the big man himself, a true creative comedian

who inspires good writers to be better ones.

OK, who first?

I apologize, Rob.

Ditto.

You really didn't have to do it.

Yes, he did.

I'm glad I did.

You think that this letter will ever

get into Newstime Magazine?

Even if they don't put it in the Letters

to the Editors column, it's going to get it anyway.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Well, I just showed it to Alan,

and he wants to take it out as an ad.

You're kidding. You're kidding.

Yeah, as an ad.

You know how the ad's gonna read?

It's gonna say, Alan Brady thanks Rob Petrie--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

ROB: --and his two brilliant cowriters--

Yeah, yeah.

--Betty and George.

Oh, come on.

[knocking on door]

ALAN: Come in.

You want to see me, Alan?

ALAN: Yeah, come in.

Oh, there you guys are.

I wondered where you were.

Yeah, we're here, Rob.

Advance copy of Newstime.

Oh, hey.

Did they print my letter?

Yeah, it's all there.

Read it. - Well, nobody has to read it.

Everybody knows what's in it.

No, just read what it says after the little black dot.

There's no little black dot in my letter.

Well, that's the editor's note, Rob.

Yes. read it, Rob.

Go ahead.

Oh, the editor's note.

We think Mr. Petrie doth protest too much

and merely confirms our original evaluation.

[laughter]

His humility is just as big as his talent.

One must sympathize with him for the pressures that must have

forced him to write the letter.

Hey, you-- you know what I think probably happened?

No, what happened, Rob?

What, what?

What happened?

I think probably they thought the letter was too strong,

you know?

Too strong?

That's why they figured that you forced me to write it.

Yes.

You know what I'm going to do?

What are you going to do, do?

- I'm going to my office. - Yeah?

Write another letter.

- Another letter. - Good.

And I'll explain what--

Yeah, you will!

[music playing]

[theme music]