The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Third One from the Left - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Eh, so what?

You know the old saying.

Bad rehearsal, good show.

Yeah, there's another good old saying.

Bad show, good bye.

It should have been funny.

When we wrote it, we were-- we were rolling on the floor.



Yeah, well, maybe we should have written it sitting up.

Rob, I'd like a word with you.

Hey, you know something?

You don't look so bald from this angle.

Mel, is Alan upset with the script?

No, I am.

Oh, then we got a hit.

What is it?

Did you recommend taking that girl out of the chorus

and featuring her?

Oh, the blonde?

Joan Delroy.

Well, actually, she just asked if she could be in the bit.

And I said, sure.



Oh, she just asked, and you said sure.

Well, Mel, I thought she did the dance bit very well.

I thought she did great.

Yeah, so did I. Cooley is just mad because you picked her out.

It was your idea.

Come on, Buddy.

Mel's not like that.

Oh, yes, I am.

I wish you'd remember that you were hired as writers,

not as talent scouts.

Oh, see, I was right.

Billiard dome is scared of his job.

Hey, even his scalp is getting a little gray.

Rob, in the future, I wish you'd check

with me before recommending.

One of my duties on this show is the sifting of talent.

Yeah, well, don't forget your pail and shovel.

I'm sorry, Mel.

From now on, we'll check with you.

You can sift.

Thank you.

Hey, Mel. Come on.

Give me a line, somebody. Quick, quick.

Yuck.

Come back in about 20 minutes.

I'll have an insult for you.

Well, there's nothing more for us to do around here.

I guess we may go home to our loved ones.

Not me.

I'm going home to my wife.

You know something?

I don't even have a cat to go home to.

What happened your cat?

Nothing.

He eats out on Wednesdays.

Hey, Rob, you want me to hold the elevator for you?

No, I've got to wait on Laura.

She's downtown shopping.

Impossible.

Yesterday, my wife bought up everything.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Is this Mr. Petrie's office?

Well, we give him desk space here, yes.

Hi, Joan.

Oh, may I come in just for a minute?

I don't want to disturb you, but--

That's all right.

Mr. Petrie, I didn't get a chance at rehearsal,

but I want you to know how grateful

I am for all your help.

Well, a talent deserves recognition, Joan.

If we've done anything in a small way--

Small?

Well, I'd never been chosen if it weren't for you.

Oh, wait a minute.

Buddy and Sally deserve a little credit there.

They were all rooting for you.

Yeah, we were in there rooting.

Yeah, but Rob was cheerleader.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you both very much.

Don't thank us.

You thank Florenz Ziegfeld over there.

So long, Rob.

Yeah.

Goodnight, Flo.

Goodnight, kids.

[door closing]

Well, Joan, I'm glad everything worked out well for you.

Oh, but it wouldn't have if you didn't have the faith in me

that you did.

Well, believe me, Joan, all I did was just suggest--

I don't care what you say.

I'll always be indebted to you.

You're just a darling.

I've been wanting to do this all day.

Hi, honey.

[nervous laughter]

Uh.

Uh.

This is, uh--

Joan that Delroy--

Joan, uh, Delroy, this is my wife, Mar Delroy.

How do you do, Joan?

Hi.

I hope you don't mind, but I just love your husband.

She does, too.

Let me help you, honey.

No, that's all right, dear.

Excuse me.

Hey, let me.

No, I've got it, darling.

Hey, honey, about this afternoon.

Oh, Rob, you explained all about that on the ride home.

Yeah, but, honey, all you did was just listen

and say you understood.

So?

Well, do you?

Do I what?

Well, un-- un-- understand.

Well, you just said I said I did.

Yeah.

Honey.

I'm in show business.

I know, dear.

Well, I-- I mean, everybody in show business

calls everybody else darling.

I know.

And there's a lot-- a lot of, uh, insincere kissing.

I understand that, too.

Honey, you-- I--

we just needed a girl for the bit today.

And instead of getting an outside dancer,

I got that girl to do it.

What's wrong with that?

No, absolutely nothing.

She's cute.

I-- you saw her on the show last week.

You said she was cute.

She is darling.

And she was--

she was a little grateful.

I'm-- that's natural, right?

It certainly is.

And she's a little emotional about it.

That's all. - Not quite all.

What do you mean?

She's in love with you.

Ritchie, dinner!

[clearing throat]

Did, uh-- you said she was in love with me?

Mhm.

Honey, she's 18 years old.

I'm old enough to be her older brother.

Rob, you are a very, very attractive man.

So?

So, she's very young and foolish.

[stuttering]

That's her problem.

No, dear, that's your problem.

And believe me, you will save her

a lot of heartache and trouble if you stop

this whole thing right now.

What-- you-- you mean that you think there is something that

has to be stopped here now?

I do.

All right.

Now, that's what I've been waiting to hear.

Now it's all out in the open.

You are jealous of an 18-year-old pompom girl.

I just don't believe that.

Good, because neither do I.

Are you trying to say that you're not jealous?

Of a pom pom girl?

Rob.

A beautiful pom pom girl.

Granted, but she is also 18, silly, and just not your type.

What do you mean, not my type?

You know my type.

Are you trying to say you don't think

she looks like Grace Kelly?

You think she looks like Grace Kelly?

Well, no, I don't.

But I bet you do.

That's why you're jealous.

Rob, I am not jealous.

Oh, you're not jealous?

In other words, driving in the car home

and I explained about Joan today,

and you said you understood, you meant you really understood.

Rob, you see these potatoes in the dish?

Yeah.

If I were really jealous, believe me, dear,

they would not be in that dish.

They would be on your head.

Hey.

But then you-- you really think she's falling in love with me?

It's not hard to, you know.

Yeah.

Have you got any suggestions as to how

I can prevent her from falling further in love with me?

Well, you might try dropping a hint

that you're happily married to a wonderful woman?

Oh, yeah.

Guess I could lie just to save her some heartache.

I'll take care of it.

[typing]

What's the matter?

[inaudible] what's the matter.

He's stuck.

What are you stuck with?

Joan.

I don't know whether to put her name in for that part

in the script next week or not.

Well, you wrote it for her, didn't you, Mr. [inaudible]??

That's before I found out how she shows her gratitude.

Hey, really gave you a big kiss, huh?

Right on the lips.

Boy, a little more of that kind of gratitude,

and bye bye, Charlie.

Well, you know, actually, she was

just showing her thanks is all.

Yeah.

Nobody shows me thanks like that, not even my wife.

Boy, women are so ridiculous.

You know what Laura said to me last night?

Get out of the house.

She said Joanie is in love with you.

She said Joanie is in love--

how did you know?

Figures. The kid's 18.

You're an older man.

You showed an interest in her.

I did not.

I just suggested her for a part.

Rob, to a moony teenager, that's

like a proposal of marriage.

She's right.

You better scratch her name off that script.

Or she'll be out ordering the wedding cake.

- Mr. Petrie? - Uh oh.

Too late.

Oh, pardon me.

Am I interrupting anything? - No.

No, that's all right, Joanie.

We were-- we were, uh, just--

Oh, yeah, we always just.

Sure.

Oh.

Mr. Petrie, I have to thank you.

Again?

Pucker up.

What for?

Well, for-- for putting me in the sketch.

How did you know you were in the--

Mr. Cooley told me.

Gosh, it's the most lines I've ever had.

Oh, I hope I don't let you down.

Well, I'm sure you won't, Joanie.

Oh, I want to justify your confidence in me.

Well, I-- you just say the lines, Joanie.

I think it'll be fine.

Well, it's not the lines so much.

It's having to go-- go into them right

on top of the dance routine.

Oh, I get so nervous.

Well, Joanie, you've danced before.

Never with a big star like Mr. Brady.

He is no Fred Astaire.

You just relax and don't worry.

Oh, golly.

If you could only be there when we rehearse.

To kind of hold my hand sort of, huh?

Excuse me, Joanie.

Say, Buddy and Sally, would you leave us alone?

Oh, of course.

[inaudible]

As a matter of fact, those were our plans.

It won't take, uh, take long.

Oh, yeah.

[vocalizing]

I'm glad you sent them away.

What?

Well, now I can really thank you.

Uh, Joanie, you've thanked me plenty.

Uh, Joanie.

I'd like to, uh, talk to you just a minute.

Yes?

Joanie, I-- I-- you may be a little young to understand

this, but if you're not careful, people

are going to misinterpret our relationship.

Why?

Well, I just mean they'll think there's

something between us, you know.

Well, isn't there?

I mean, they-- they might-- might think it's more

than just a friendship, Joan.

Well, isn't it, Robert?

Robert?

Well, it is more than a friendship, isn't it?

Joanie, look.

I'm-- I'm old enough to be your older--

father.

Look here.

Shouldn't you be in the rehearsal hall?

Oh, gosh, has it started?

Yeah.

You better run along, Joanie.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Rob, I am surprised.

You're surprised?

You, of all people.

It's not me of all people.

It is she of all people.

I hate to see it start, Rob.

You hate to see what start?

So many couples we've known.

It's hard to get up a bridge game anymore.

Look, Mel, if you think for one minute--

I-- I didn't see a thing.

I did not see a thing.

After all, Rob, it's your life.

All right, Rob.

Just what did you do with your life?

Oh, I know what I've got to do now.

Why don't you start by wiping the lipstick off your cheek?

And the guilty look off your face.

That is not a guilty look.

That is mounting fear.

This has gone just about far enough.

Laura, will you call Joanie's mother

and tell her to make Joanie leave me alone?

I don't know what I'm going to do with her.

She's nuts about me.

Oh, she'll get over it.

I did.

Don't try to make me feel good.

You're getting pretty sophisticated, by the way.

I call you on the phone and tell you a girl kissed me,

and you don't even get jealous.

Well, I figured your call was for help, not to boast.

Laura, you--

I think this thing could get serious

if it isn't handled right.

Then why don't you handle it right?

I tried.

Handling it right doesn't work at all.

All right, Rob.

Sit down and tell me exactly what you said to her, hmm?

Well, I made it very clear.

I told her that people might misinterpret our relationship.

And, of course, you were very gentle.

Well, of course.

Well, there you are.

Where-- where am I?

Your big mistake, being gentle.

Honey, if somebody gives you the compliment

of thinking you're the handsomest man in the world--

Did she say that?

Well, no, but I can see it in her eyes, honey.

Oh, Rob.

I just can't kick a girl like that right in the teeth.

Darling, there are ways of being firm with a girl

without kicking her in the teeth.

All right. What are they?

Help me. I'm open to suggestions.

[sighing]

Well, Rob, I--

I can't write your dialogue for you, but--

well, I do know that you cannot say to a starry-eyed teenager

that this relationship will always remain a beautiful

memory but now it must end.

I never said anything like that.

I told her I was old enough to be her father.

It didn't even phase her.

Well, of course not.

She probably thought it was a come on.

Telling a kid that you're an old man is a come on?

Well, Rob, why don't you just try

to put yourself in her place?

I mean, you say to her, someday, you'll

meet someone younger than I--

someone more deserving.

I never said that.

And what does she say?

She says, oh, you are, too, young.

You are, too, deserving.

And then to prove it, she climbs all over you.

She didn't climb all over me.

All she did was give me one lousy kiss on a cheek.

Because you were gentle and self-effacing.

That's me.

What can I do?

Well, when you're in a situation like this, Rob,

you can't be you.

Who am I supposed to be?

Claude Rains?

[groaning]

Now do you want my help or not?

I want your help.

All right.

Now when you are with her, you cannot be you.

If you want to get rid of her, scare her.

Huh?

Scare her.

Well, you mean--

[makes scary sounds]

Oh, Rob.

Chase her.

If you chase her, she'll run.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

I'll chase her.

But, Rob, just, uh, one thing.

Don't, under any circumstances, catch her.

Check.

Hi.

Oh, good morning, Rob.

Good morning.

How do you do, lover boy?

The one with the, uh, bow's on it is for you.

For me?

Mhm.

Well, who's it from?

I think it's from Gidget.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Why did she have to do that?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe she wants to go steady.

Aw.

Cold feet, warm heart.

A little small for you, aren't they, Rob?

I think she knitted them for me.

I'm the one she's after.

Hmm.

Listen, Rob.

You better start thinking of a way to discourage

your little bobby socker. - Yeah.

Why don't you call a cop?

I might.

But first, I think I'm going to ask her to marry me.

You know, you're kidding, but that's not a bad idea.

It might scare the fuzz off her.

You're right.

It's going to, but I'm not kidding.

Hey, if you marry her, can I have Laura?

Hi.

Do you like them, I hope?

I knitted them myself.

Oh.

[stuttering]

Hey, Buddy and Sally, would you--

Here we go again.

Oh.

Do you, uh, kind of get the feeling this is like the March

on the River Kwai?

Hey, good luck, Rob.

Or bad luck or whatever.

Oh.

Rob.

Mel, I can't see you right now.

- Why not? - Why not?

They want to be alone.

What's going on here?

A matinee of "Tammy and the Bachelor."

Come on.

[inaudible].

Don't forget I've got dibs on Laura.

[picking up phone]

Marge, hold all my calls.

I don't want to be disturbed.

Not right now, thank you.

Uh, do you like the socks?

I'll wear them always right next to my feet.

Joanie, you're not afraid of me, are you?

No, why should I be?

I mean, you're not afraid of what the world might say?

What will it say?

Well, who cares?

We only live once, don't we, Joanie?

Yeah, I-- I know.

So live it to the full, my child.

Do you dare? Have you got the courage?

Courage for what?

To fill the cup.

What cup?

Fly with me to Mexico, will?

Mr. Petrie!

I'll show you the world you've never seen.

I'll show you the meaning of life, Joanie.

I know that it's madness, but love is madness.

Say yes, Joanie.

But-- but-- but what about your wife?

Blech.

Your wife knows?

Yes, she knows all about us.

There is a lawyer in Mexico City and a chapel in Las Vegas.

What do you say, Joanie?

Well, it's pretty sudden.

I'd have to think it over. - Why?

Well, I do have this boyfriend, Ernie.

He-- - Do you love him?

- Well, I-- - You love me.

You don't love him, Joanie. - I do?

Yes, you do. And you know it.

There's no time to think it over.

It's yes now or never.

Say yes, Joanie.

Marge, get me Ernie in the rehearsal hall.

Why do you want Ernie int he rehearsal hall?

Well, uh-- Ernie, it's Joan.

What are you-- what are you doing?

Well, Ernie, I have something to tell you.

I met this most wonderful man.

Hold it.

[inaudible].

Buddy!

Sally!

Hold it, Ernie!

You better think this over, Joan.

Well, I thought it over, and the answer is yes.

What's the matter? What happened?

Well, yes, Ernie.

He's asked me, and I've just said yes.

Well, congratulations.

You got Laura.

Who said yes, and why has he got Laura?

Why?

Do you want her?

What's going on here?

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

Goodbye, Ernie.

Who's Ernie?

Yeah, who's Ernie?

I don't know who he is, but I got dibs on Laura.

Well, I'd better get back to the rehearsal.

See you later, darling.

What's going on here?

Did she just call you-- she-- she did.

She did. I-- I heard her.

She called you darling. That's terrible.

There's nothing terrible about a girl

calling her betrothed darling.

Hi, darling.

How'd it go today?

Congratulate me.

I'm engaged.

You're what?

I wanted you to be the very first to know.

Oh, Rob, what did you do?

What did you say to that girl?

I did just exactly what you suggested I do.

I proposed marriage to her.

Marriage?

You weren't supposed to propose that.

What then?

I'm an honorable man.

What did you expect me to do?

I just expected you to take a positive stand.

Yeah, well, you're the one who said chase, and she will run.

But she didn't run?

Oh, she ran, all right.

She ran amok.

She ran to the phone and called some shmuck

named Ernie and told him she was going to marry me.

You never said she'd do that.

Oh, Rob, this is just awful.

Now you see that.

Unless--

Oh, boy.

You better have some good unless there.

Unless she's not quite as naive as you think

she is, and she's after something.

Oh, she is.

Me.

Oh, I should have spanked that little baby

doll right in the beginning.

And I may do it yet.

She knew I was married.

Well, so did you.

Rob, look.

Can I suggest something?

Please, don't.

You've already made me a bigamist.

I'd like to handle the rest of it myself.

All right.

How?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

I'm not going to marry her.

There's good news.

I'm going in there.

I'm going to stop beating around the bush.

I'm going to tell her.

I'll-- I-- um--

Tell her what?

Well, I want to tell her that if I run away with her,

you'll kill yourself.

No.

Tell her that if you run away with her, I'll kill you both.

No.

No, that's no good.

Then no one will have any fun.

Buddy will.

He's got dibs on you.

Oh, darn.

He's not here?

No, he hasn't come in yet.

Well, tell him I was looking for him, will you?

Yeah, sure.

Um, Madam Queen.

Acts like she owns the joint.

Yeah, like she owns him, too.

I wonder what he wants with him.

Oh, she probably wants him to help

her pick out a silver pattern.

Oh, hi, Rob.

Your name just came up.

Yeah, I think your number is up, too.

Mrs. Petrie, Jr. Was just in here looking for you.

And I am looking for her.

Hey, Rob. Are you going to tell her off?

Oh, yes.

Marge, do me a favor and ask Miss

Joan Delroy to step into my office, would you, please?

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, we know.

[interposing voices]

Hey, Rob.

You keep that old jaw straight, do you hear me?

You keep that old fire in the eye, right?

Don't worry about it.

You leave it to me.

Right.

He'll chicken.

How did I get into this mess?

When did I ever become so irresistible?

- Mr. Petri? - Yeah?

- I'm Ernie. - Oh, hi, Ernie.

How's rehearsal going?

Fine.

Did you send--

Mr. Petrie, darling.

What's wrong?

I was attacked.

Attacked?

Ernie walked in here and hit me one.

Ernie?

Oh, my goodness.

It's-- it's all right, Joan.

As a matter of fact, I'm kind of glad it happened.

It-- it gives me a chance to come around to a point

I've been wanting to make.

Joan-- Miss Delroy, it's about time that you

and I came to an understanding.

Well, it's love.

Please, now, that's one impression

I want to correct right off.

Joanie, this is going to be very difficult for me to say.

[swooning]

Joan, I want you to know that I

shall always treasure the little friendship

that you and I have had.

But I want you to know, also, that it can

never be any more than that.

And I was probably guilty, myself, not having squashed

this probably in the beginning.

I don't know.

I probably-- probably relished it a little bit.

You know, older man--

even a happily married one isn't blind to the charms of youth,

I guess.

Someday, Joan, you're going to meet someone younger than I,

probably more deserving.

You might even give little Ernie a chance.

So, my dear, I hope that the next time we meet--

[inaudible]

Please, don't cry, Joanie.

The next time we meet, I hope you'll just put out your hand,

Joanie, and think of me as-- as just a good friend.

Now, goodbye.

Bye, Rob.

Oh, no!

[laughter]

Mel.

Who else?

Is Buddy in here with you?

Present.

Sal?

Yo.

All right.

Everybody raise your right hand.

Repeat after me.

I solemnly swear--

I solemnly swear--

That I will never--

Oh, come on, Rob, [inaudible].

And I'll tell you one thing.

Joan is not going to be bothering me anymore.

I don't see how you got her interested in someone

else so fast.

Because I don't fool around with a situation like that.

The kid had a lot of love to give,

so I just re-channeled it to a more eligible recipient.

Gee.

I wish I could have heard you.

Well, it seemed like that's a little embarrassing to play

with other people around.

Who's this, uh, eligible recipient

you got her involved with?

Well, I-- what difference does that make?

Well, who is he?

Well, honey, he's a dancer on the show.

A guy named Ernie.

You mean, little Ernie Murphy, the one

who does those great leaps?

Yeah, that's him.

Oh.

[laughing]

What is so funny?

That she should prefer little Ernie Murphy to you.

But I told her--

I told her that she was much-- much too young for my taste.

I told her I like older women.

You know, with the lines of experience in their face

and a little gray in their hair.

Kind of a settled look, you know.

Hmm.

Good peasant stock, that's what I like.

You know.

Ha!

You know, [inaudible].

[music playing]