The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 13 - The Alan Brady Show Presents - full transcript
Alan's annual Christmas show is airing. As a change of pace, he's asked Rob to do the on-air introduction. Alan has had many critics state that what his Christmas shows lack is heart, and, as such, Alan has rejected the nonetheless funny script Rob, Buddy and Sally submitted in favor of an idea he believes has that heart: His television family, who entertains at many of his social functions, are the headliners of the show. Rob wasn't sure that he's talented enough a performer for a television show, but Buddy, Sally and Laura, who are to be included as performers, relished the thought of doing all they've ever wanted to do in front of the camera; so, Alan presents Rob Petrie, Laura Petrie, Sally Rogers, Buddy Sorrell, Mel Cooley and Ritchie Petrie as his Merry Christmas wish to his viewing audience.
[theme music playing]
ANNOUNCER 1: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
ANNOUNCER 2: And now live from New
York, "The Alan Brady Show."
[applause]
And now here's the star of our show,
the man who gives you laughter as a gift all year round,
Alan Brady.
[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight--
tonight our show's going to be a little different.
You see, it's a special show.
And to tell you all about it I'd like
to bring out the head writer of "The Alan Brady Show,"
Robert Petrie.
Come on out, Rob.
[applause]
Come on, walk in.
Hey, Rob.
Tell 'em all about our show.
Well, what are you going to do?
Well, somebody's got to feed these poor reindeer.
Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.
Ladies-- ladies--
hi.
Oh, that-- oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to explain
why we're here this eve--
instead of-- instead of our regular show, Alan--
Alan has asked me do something a little different this year on--
on the show.
And I'd like to explain what--
what it is that we're going to do.
Al-- and I will--
I will explain what we're going to do
right after this very important message
from-- from our sponsor.
[band playing]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're
back now to tell you what--
what-- why-- why we're all here.
Actually it all started about a week ago.
Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers, and myself
had-- were just kind of lounging around our office there.
And we had written a show and turned it into Mr. Brady.
We were in a holiday spirit.
This Christmas lists gets a little longer every year.
[rickety knocking]
Is that-- somebody's kicking at the door.
Either that or the termites are taking dancing lessons.
Hey!
Look at that.
Rob, that's got to be Laura, or Santa Claus
has got the wildest legs I ever saw.
Funny feeling in my wallet that's Laura behind there.
Oh, will you stop with the jokes and help me.
Oh, boy, what a haul!
Oh, just what I always wanted, a beautiful wife.
Not so sure you're going to want me when the bills come in.
Uh-huh.
Well, who cares.
Boy, when Alan seas our Christmas script,
he's going to give us a bonus and the rest of the week off.
- Wee! - Rob?
I just wanted-- oh, all right, let's have it.
Welcome, Mel, and season's greetings.
That's all, no insult?
Never on the holidays.
Hey, Mel, how'd Alan like the script?
Well, the first thing I want to tell you
is that Alan was crazy about it, every word.
All right!
Beautiful!
[interposing voices]
Take some of these.
[whistles] Wait.
Mel, what is the second thing you wanted to say?
We're not using the script.
Huh?
We're not using it?
Why aren't we using it?
What is it that everyone says "The Alan Brady Show" lacks?
A good producer.
What are you talking about, Mel?
They say it lacks heart warmth.
Well, if you want heart warmth, all you have to do
is eat a large pizza before you go to bed.
Mel, that script had heart.
It had warmth, plus an awful lot of our brains in it.
I don't see why you told Alan not to use it.
Because somebody gave him a big mouth and he
opened it before Christmas.
If you'll all be quiet and listen to my explanation,
you'll understand.
Oh, Laura, this will be of special interest to you.
Me?
Yes.
I simply told Alan that we-- since we
had so many talented people on our staff
and behind the scenes, this would be a good opportunity
for the audiences to meet them and their families,
sort of a Christmas party.
"The Perry Como Show" used to do that.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
Exactly.
In other words, Mel, we all perform, huh?
Well, you do so well at parties.
Well, a network television show is a pretty big party.
Yeah, what does Alan want us to do?
Well, anything you want.
Oh, good.
Then during the commercials I'll advertise for a fella.
Might be kind of fun.
What do you think, honey?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, you mean you don't think it's a good idea, Laura?
I don't know whether I'll sing or dance or both.
Maybe you and I should do a number together?
Oh. We'll do it, Mel.
But we're going to have to change the name of the show
to an evening with Laura Petrie.
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
The show will be called "Alan Brady Presents."
Presents what?
Well, that's what we'll have to figure
out between now and Christmas.
Well, let's see what they figured out.
Ready, Rob?
Ready now.
[music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, many great men have
been immortalized in song--
Davy Crockett and his cap, Casey and his bat,
John Brown and his body, not to forget
Yankee Doodle and his dandy.
Tonight we immortalize yet another great man in song.
[plays notes]
[plays note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
[applause]
[speaking] Oh.
[sniffs] [hums a note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Buddy Sorrell.
[applause]
[speaking] OK.
[applause]
[hums note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Sally Rogers.
[applause]
[speaking] We will begin again, if you please.
[hums note]
(SINGING) Laura Petrie.
[applause]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
[speaking] I can trust him.
He's Alan Brady's brother-in-law.
[speaking] Melvin Cooley.
[applause]
Robert Petrie.
[applause]
S Claus, North Pole.
Dear Santa, (SINGING) I recall each Christmas
when I was a child.
Santa's gifts would make my little heart grow wild.
But now that I'm a woman fully grown,
there's just one gift I'd really love to own.
[swing music playing]
Santa, send a fella into my life,
someone who is shopping around for a wife.
I would like to order something Cary Grant-y.
But I'd even settle for a James Durante.
Santa, send a fella.
That's my request.
As long as he's still breathing, he passes the test.
I get the fancy paper and the pretty bow.
Just him them up, Santa, let him go.
Now, your answer may be, dear madam,
it's better to give than to receive.
And my reply will be, you're right.
Give me an Adam on Christmas Eve.
I'll be waiting, Santa.
Don't let me down.
There must be lots of bachelors all over town.
If he's older, younger, shorter, tall, he's my cup of tea.
Santa, send a fella to me.
If Mr. Cupid knows about my lack of affection,
how come is arrows have such a lousy sense of direction?
They say the Army builds men.
I wish they'd build one for me.
Santa, send a fella to me-- ee.
[applause]
MAN: Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
Package?
For me?
Gee, I ordered a fella.
Maybe-- Uh!
[applause]
Maybe I should have been a little more specific.
What'd you expect?
It's the end of the season.
You're lucky to get anything.
I asked Santa to send me something
with a shape like this.
Look what I got.
Now a little musical Christmas gift for you folk out there.
[piano playing]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I'm playing a cello solo.
What is this?
Well, I'm going to accompany you.
I don't need any accompaniment.
Why not?
Jascha Heifetz has as a whole symphony behind him.
Yeah, he's afraid to play alone.
Not me.
This is a solo instrument, and I am soloing.
Well, now, look, don't worry.
I'll play so soft you can hardly know I'm here.
I hope so.
I'll give you an arpeggio.
Listen.
See?
You don't even know I'm here.
I thought you left.
Don't forget it's my solo.
OK.
[cello playing]
[piano playing]
Your shoe, I believe.
Next time my foot.
My solo.
This is the Christmas season.
Give a little.
I'm sorry.
It's just every time I hear a song I just have to play it.
Any song you don't know?
Just one.
BUDDY SORRELL: What's that?
"Jingle Bells."
You don't know "Jingle Bells?"
No.
[plays "jingle bells"]
[piano playing]
Wait a minute!
I thought you didn't know "Jingle Bells."
I didn't know that was "Jingle Bells!"
[indistinct arguing]
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ho ho.
Oh.
Hey, Santa, doesn't look like you're
doing too well over there.
Hey, you know something?
I think I know what your trouble is.
You're not ho-ho-ing enough.
I don't believe I've seen you do one ho all day.
Come one, let me see you give out with a ho, ho, ho.
(WOMAN'S VOICE) Ho, ho, ho.
Take off that beard.
Ah-ha!
You didn't fool me for a minute.
You're no Santa Claus.
You're a lady.
Sir, please don't tell the Santa Claus people on me.
Who's gonna tell?
I'm glad you're a lady.
- You are? - Yeah.
You know, as a matter of fact, I've been standing over here
all day saying, that Santa Claus over there is driving me crazy.
I never-- I never smelled such a sweet Santa Claus.
Thank you.
Say, you sound very young yourself to be a Santa.
As a matter of fact, I am rather young.
[gasps]
As a matter of fact, I actually do this just because.
You need the money too?
No, I am a wealthy young playboy in disguise.
And I think that I love you.
Will you come away with me and we'll be married on my yacht?
Oh, go on.
You don't have any yacht.
Are you kidding?
That's the smallest thing I own!
(SINGING) I got a summer place in Newport.
[speaking] That's rich!
(SINGING) When the snow flies I'm in Nice.
[speaking] Nice is nice.
(SINGING) I could name a couple of Broadway
shows in which I have a piece.
[speaking] "My Fair Lady?"
(SINGING) I've got yards and yards of green backs
and a diamond mine are two.
[speaking] Why are you telling me all this?
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
[speaking] Look, money isn't everything.
(SINGING) I got a voice like Perry Como.
[speaking] Ooh, he's good.
(SINGING) I can act like Shirley Booth.
[speaking] Didn't she win an Emmy?
(SINGING) And they say that I look just like Stanley
Laurel in his youth.
I can trip the light fantastic like Astaire and Kelly do.
[speaking] Aw, you're marvelous.
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
I'm the last of the red-hot spenders.
I'm the chairman of the board.
I lend to money lenders.
There's nothing I can't afford.
[speaking] Oh, boy!
(SINGING) I got a wild imagination.
[speaking] That I believe!
(SINGING) So it comes as no surprise.
All the things that I've been telling you
are just a pack of lies.
[speaking] I knew it!
(SINGING) Though my office may be empty
and my talents may be few, I know that I'd
have everything if I had you.
(SINGING) You're the handsomest-looking fella,
and I'll never let you go.
So won't you come and join me right under the mistletoe.
You got a voice like Louis Armstrong.
Yeah, yeah.
(SINGING) And your actions are uncouth.
And I think that all the gold you have
could hardly fill a tooth.
Though your pockets may be empty and your talents may be few,
if this is a proposal then I'll say--
I do.
[applause]
[music, "little drummer boy"]
(SINGING) Come, they told me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
A newborn king to see, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I have no gift to bring--
pah-rum, pum-pum, pum-- that's fit to give
our king, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum, pah-pum,
pum, rum, pah-pum, pum.
Shall I play for you, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, on my drum?
Mary nodded, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
The ox and lamb kept time, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I played my drum for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I played my best for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum,
pum-pum, pum, rum pum-pum, pum.
Then he smiled at me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, me and my drum.
Me and my drum.
[applause]
[military-style music playing]
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
I practice every day.
And people come from miles around just to hear me play.
Mu trum-- my trumpet, they love to hear my trumpet.
Tah-dah-dah-dah, tut, tut, tut-tut tut,
tuh, tuh tut, tut, tuh.
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
And I get lots of pay.
And when I play my tuba people throw money my way.
My tuba, my tuba, they love to hear my tuba.
Oompah, oompah, oompah-oompah, oompah, oompah, oom-pah-oom.
(SINGING) Tat-tadda-tat tat, tat-dadda-tat,
tat, tat, tat, tat, tat.
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
My music is so gay.
And everybody dances when they hear me play.
My trombone, my trombone, they love to hear my trombone.
Da, da, dun-dun, da.
Da, da-da, da, da-dun da.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
That's what the people say.
And all the children follow me when they hear me play.
My piccolo, my piccolo, they love to hear my piccolo.
Deedle-ee, dee, dee, deedle-ee dee, dee.
Deedle, deedle, dee, dee, deedle, deedle, dee.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.
We practice every day.
And if you'd like to join us we'll show you the way.
Come join us.
Come join us.
Just take a part and join us.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
Deedle, deedle, dee-- dee--
[tearfully] deedle-deedle, dee.
[applause]
[HUMMING "THE DICK VAN DYKE" THEME MUSIC]
[theme music playing]
.
ANNOUNCER 1: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
ANNOUNCER 2: And now live from New
York, "The Alan Brady Show."
[applause]
And now here's the star of our show,
the man who gives you laughter as a gift all year round,
Alan Brady.
[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight--
tonight our show's going to be a little different.
You see, it's a special show.
And to tell you all about it I'd like
to bring out the head writer of "The Alan Brady Show,"
Robert Petrie.
Come on out, Rob.
[applause]
Come on, walk in.
Hey, Rob.
Tell 'em all about our show.
Well, what are you going to do?
Well, somebody's got to feed these poor reindeer.
Donna, Blitzen, Betty, come on.
Ladies-- ladies--
hi.
Oh, that-- oh.
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to explain
why we're here this eve--
instead of-- instead of our regular show, Alan--
Alan has asked me do something a little different this year on--
on the show.
And I'd like to explain what--
what it is that we're going to do.
Al-- and I will--
I will explain what we're going to do
right after this very important message
from-- from our sponsor.
[band playing]
Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're
back now to tell you what--
what-- why-- why we're all here.
Actually it all started about a week ago.
Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers, and myself
had-- were just kind of lounging around our office there.
And we had written a show and turned it into Mr. Brady.
We were in a holiday spirit.
This Christmas lists gets a little longer every year.
[rickety knocking]
Is that-- somebody's kicking at the door.
Either that or the termites are taking dancing lessons.
Hey!
Look at that.
Rob, that's got to be Laura, or Santa Claus
has got the wildest legs I ever saw.
Funny feeling in my wallet that's Laura behind there.
Oh, will you stop with the jokes and help me.
Oh, boy, what a haul!
Oh, just what I always wanted, a beautiful wife.
Not so sure you're going to want me when the bills come in.
Uh-huh.
Well, who cares.
Boy, when Alan seas our Christmas script,
he's going to give us a bonus and the rest of the week off.
- Wee! - Rob?
I just wanted-- oh, all right, let's have it.
Welcome, Mel, and season's greetings.
That's all, no insult?
Never on the holidays.
Hey, Mel, how'd Alan like the script?
Well, the first thing I want to tell you
is that Alan was crazy about it, every word.
All right!
Beautiful!
[interposing voices]
Take some of these.
[whistles] Wait.
Mel, what is the second thing you wanted to say?
We're not using the script.
Huh?
We're not using it?
Why aren't we using it?
What is it that everyone says "The Alan Brady Show" lacks?
A good producer.
What are you talking about, Mel?
They say it lacks heart warmth.
Well, if you want heart warmth, all you have to do
is eat a large pizza before you go to bed.
Mel, that script had heart.
It had warmth, plus an awful lot of our brains in it.
I don't see why you told Alan not to use it.
Because somebody gave him a big mouth and he
opened it before Christmas.
If you'll all be quiet and listen to my explanation,
you'll understand.
Oh, Laura, this will be of special interest to you.
Me?
Yes.
I simply told Alan that we-- since we
had so many talented people on our staff
and behind the scenes, this would be a good opportunity
for the audiences to meet them and their families,
sort of a Christmas party.
"The Perry Como Show" used to do that.
- Exactly. - Yeah.
Exactly.
In other words, Mel, we all perform, huh?
Well, you do so well at parties.
Well, a network television show is a pretty big party.
Yeah, what does Alan want us to do?
Well, anything you want.
Oh, good.
Then during the commercials I'll advertise for a fella.
Might be kind of fun.
What do you think, honey?
Well, I don't know.
Oh, you mean you don't think it's a good idea, Laura?
I don't know whether I'll sing or dance or both.
Maybe you and I should do a number together?
Oh. We'll do it, Mel.
But we're going to have to change the name of the show
to an evening with Laura Petrie.
Oh.
No, no, no, no, no.
The show will be called "Alan Brady Presents."
Presents what?
Well, that's what we'll have to figure
out between now and Christmas.
Well, let's see what they figured out.
Ready, Rob?
Ready now.
[music playing]
Ladies and gentlemen, many great men have
been immortalized in song--
Davy Crockett and his cap, Casey and his bat,
John Brown and his body, not to forget
Yankee Doodle and his dandy.
Tonight we immortalize yet another great man in song.
[plays notes]
[plays note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
[applause]
[speaking] Oh.
[sniffs] [hums a note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady, Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Buddy Sorrell.
[applause]
[speaking] OK.
[applause]
[hums note]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Sally Rogers.
[applause]
[speaking] We will begin again, if you please.
[hums note]
(SINGING) Laura Petrie.
[applause]
(SINGING) Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
Alan Brady.
[speaking] I can trust him.
He's Alan Brady's brother-in-law.
[speaking] Melvin Cooley.
[applause]
Robert Petrie.
[applause]
S Claus, North Pole.
Dear Santa, (SINGING) I recall each Christmas
when I was a child.
Santa's gifts would make my little heart grow wild.
But now that I'm a woman fully grown,
there's just one gift I'd really love to own.
[swing music playing]
Santa, send a fella into my life,
someone who is shopping around for a wife.
I would like to order something Cary Grant-y.
But I'd even settle for a James Durante.
Santa, send a fella.
That's my request.
As long as he's still breathing, he passes the test.
I get the fancy paper and the pretty bow.
Just him them up, Santa, let him go.
Now, your answer may be, dear madam,
it's better to give than to receive.
And my reply will be, you're right.
Give me an Adam on Christmas Eve.
I'll be waiting, Santa.
Don't let me down.
There must be lots of bachelors all over town.
If he's older, younger, shorter, tall, he's my cup of tea.
Santa, send a fella to me.
If Mr. Cupid knows about my lack of affection,
how come is arrows have such a lousy sense of direction?
They say the Army builds men.
I wish they'd build one for me.
Santa, send a fella to me-- ee.
[applause]
MAN: Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
Package for Miss Sally Rogers.
Package?
For me?
Gee, I ordered a fella.
Maybe-- Uh!
[applause]
Maybe I should have been a little more specific.
What'd you expect?
It's the end of the season.
You're lucky to get anything.
I asked Santa to send me something
with a shape like this.
Look what I got.
Now a little musical Christmas gift for you folk out there.
[piano playing]
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I'm playing a cello solo.
What is this?
Well, I'm going to accompany you.
I don't need any accompaniment.
Why not?
Jascha Heifetz has as a whole symphony behind him.
Yeah, he's afraid to play alone.
Not me.
This is a solo instrument, and I am soloing.
Well, now, look, don't worry.
I'll play so soft you can hardly know I'm here.
I hope so.
I'll give you an arpeggio.
Listen.
See?
You don't even know I'm here.
I thought you left.
Don't forget it's my solo.
OK.
[cello playing]
[piano playing]
Your shoe, I believe.
Next time my foot.
My solo.
This is the Christmas season.
Give a little.
I'm sorry.
It's just every time I hear a song I just have to play it.
Any song you don't know?
Just one.
BUDDY SORRELL: What's that?
"Jingle Bells."
You don't know "Jingle Bells?"
No.
[plays "jingle bells"]
[piano playing]
Wait a minute!
I thought you didn't know "Jingle Bells."
I didn't know that was "Jingle Bells!"
[indistinct arguing]
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Ho ho.
Oh.
Hey, Santa, doesn't look like you're
doing too well over there.
Hey, you know something?
I think I know what your trouble is.
You're not ho-ho-ing enough.
I don't believe I've seen you do one ho all day.
Come one, let me see you give out with a ho, ho, ho.
(WOMAN'S VOICE) Ho, ho, ho.
Take off that beard.
Ah-ha!
You didn't fool me for a minute.
You're no Santa Claus.
You're a lady.
Sir, please don't tell the Santa Claus people on me.
Who's gonna tell?
I'm glad you're a lady.
- You are? - Yeah.
You know, as a matter of fact, I've been standing over here
all day saying, that Santa Claus over there is driving me crazy.
I never-- I never smelled such a sweet Santa Claus.
Thank you.
Say, you sound very young yourself to be a Santa.
As a matter of fact, I am rather young.
[gasps]
As a matter of fact, I actually do this just because.
You need the money too?
No, I am a wealthy young playboy in disguise.
And I think that I love you.
Will you come away with me and we'll be married on my yacht?
Oh, go on.
You don't have any yacht.
Are you kidding?
That's the smallest thing I own!
(SINGING) I got a summer place in Newport.
[speaking] That's rich!
(SINGING) When the snow flies I'm in Nice.
[speaking] Nice is nice.
(SINGING) I could name a couple of Broadway
shows in which I have a piece.
[speaking] "My Fair Lady?"
(SINGING) I've got yards and yards of green backs
and a diamond mine are two.
[speaking] Why are you telling me all this?
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
[speaking] Look, money isn't everything.
(SINGING) I got a voice like Perry Como.
[speaking] Ooh, he's good.
(SINGING) I can act like Shirley Booth.
[speaking] Didn't she win an Emmy?
(SINGING) And they say that I look just like Stanley
Laurel in his youth.
I can trip the light fantastic like Astaire and Kelly do.
[speaking] Aw, you're marvelous.
(SINGING) It seems that I have everything but you.
I'm the last of the red-hot spenders.
I'm the chairman of the board.
I lend to money lenders.
There's nothing I can't afford.
[speaking] Oh, boy!
(SINGING) I got a wild imagination.
[speaking] That I believe!
(SINGING) So it comes as no surprise.
All the things that I've been telling you
are just a pack of lies.
[speaking] I knew it!
(SINGING) Though my office may be empty
and my talents may be few, I know that I'd
have everything if I had you.
(SINGING) You're the handsomest-looking fella,
and I'll never let you go.
So won't you come and join me right under the mistletoe.
You got a voice like Louis Armstrong.
Yeah, yeah.
(SINGING) And your actions are uncouth.
And I think that all the gold you have
could hardly fill a tooth.
Though your pockets may be empty and your talents may be few,
if this is a proposal then I'll say--
I do.
[applause]
[music, "little drummer boy"]
(SINGING) Come, they told me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
A newborn king to see, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I have no gift to bring--
pah-rum, pum-pum, pum-- that's fit to give
our king, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum, pah-pum,
pum, rum, pah-pum, pum.
Shall I play for you, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, on my drum?
Mary nodded, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
The ox and lamb kept time, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I played my drum for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum.
I played my best for him, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, rum,
pum-pum, pum, rum pum-pum, pum.
Then he smiled at me, pah-rum, pum-pum, pum, me and my drum.
Me and my drum.
[applause]
[military-style music playing]
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
I practice every day.
And people come from miles around just to hear me play.
Mu trum-- my trumpet, they love to hear my trumpet.
Tah-dah-dah-dah, tut, tut, tut-tut tut,
tuh, tuh tut, tut, tuh.
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
And I get lots of pay.
And when I play my tuba people throw money my way.
My tuba, my tuba, they love to hear my tuba.
Oompah, oompah, oompah-oompah, oompah, oompah, oom-pah-oom.
(SINGING) Tat-tadda-tat tat, tat-dadda-tat,
tat, tat, tat, tat, tat.
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
My music is so gay.
And everybody dances when they hear me play.
My trombone, my trombone, they love to hear my trombone.
Da, da, dun-dun, da.
Da, da-da, da, da-dun da.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) I am a fine musician.
That's what the people say.
And all the children follow me when they hear me play.
My piccolo, my piccolo, they love to hear my piccolo.
Deedle-ee, dee, dee, deedle-ee dee, dee.
Deedle, deedle, dee, dee, deedle, deedle, dee.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) We all are fine musicians.
We practice every day.
And if you'd like to join us we'll show you the way.
Come join us.
Come join us.
Just take a part and join us.
[ALL VOCALIZING THEIR INSTRUMENT SOUNDS]
(SINGING) Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
Deedle-ee, dee, dee.
Deedle, deedle, dee-- dee--
[tearfully] deedle-deedle, dee.
[applause]
[HUMMING "THE DICK VAN DYKE" THEME MUSIC]
[theme music playing]
.