The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 3, Episode 12 - The Sound of the Trumpets of Conscience Falls Deafly on a Brain That Holds Its Ears... - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hey, Sally, Sally.

A man and lady held up a jewelry store.

Yeah.

They got away with $50,000 worth of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah.

BUDDY SORRELL: And there were hundreds of people all around,

hit it in broad daylight.



Yeah, yeah.

Why are you giving me, yeah, yeah, yeah, and smiling?

What's the punch line?

The whole world is waiting for a punch line.

It's the truth.

It really happened.

A couple just held up a jewelry store on the corner.

You're kidding. You mean Miller's?

- Yeah. - Well, did they get away?

I told you, they snuck up the back of him

and hit him in the head.

He didn't even see who it was.

Well, how do they know there were two of them?

I don't know.



Maybe he had two bumps on his head.

Buddy, if you're setting me up for a joke, I'm gonna kill you.

I swear it's the truth.

All the people that saw them said

there was man and lady running down the street,

carrying a black bag.

Wow, is Mr. Miller all right?

Yeah, I guess his head's all right.

But he must be suffering from an awful pain

in the cash register.

Why I don't know.

Ever since I've been eating in, I miss all the good accidents.

Boy, you should've been there, what excitement, cops

and detectives all over the place, looking for clues,

and looking for witnesses.

As a matter of fact, the police asked for my cooperation.

Really?

Yeah, they asked me to move along.

- Hi, gang. - Hi, Rob.

Hi, Rob.

Did you hear about the couple who held up the jewelry store?

Buddy, that's an old joke.

Oh, what's the use?

I told you the whole world's waiting for a punch line.

I'm sorry I'm a little bit late,

but I had to go to the cleaners.

I was going through the parking lot, and a man and a woman

come running through there not looking where they're going

and knocked me right on my ear.

They got grease all over my jacket.

I can't get it out.

A man and the woman, running?

Yeah.

When'd this happen?

About a half hour ago.

Were they carrying a little black bag.

Yeah, how did you know?

What's the matter?

Rob, there are eight million stories in the Naked City,

and I think you're one of them.

Rob, you wanna call the police?

Well, if they're the same people, and I saw them,

I gotta call the police I guess.

That's right.

Operator, can you give me the police, please?

Oh, just a second.

Would you consider this to be an emergency?

I don't know.

Police already know about it.

Yeah.

Operator, you have to classify this as after an emergency.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

Oh.

What is it?

Yeah, Canal.

OK.

Thank you very much, Operator.

Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't see those two people.

Why?

Once I witnessed an accident.

It was a car and a fruit truck, and like a jerk

I went and reported it.

Boy, I'll never make that mistake again.

SALLY ROGERS: Why?

One of the guys turns out to be a nut,

and he keeps threatening me all week long, calls,

you know, on the phone.

You better get out of my way or I'll run

you over with my fruit truck.

Yeah, but he didn't. Did he?

No, he didn't. But he got me scared.

Now every time I see a fruit truck, I break out in hives.

Well, I still say it's better to close your eyes

to those kind of things.

Yeah.

But sometimes after you see something,

you can't close your eyes good.

Yeah, you talk to my aunt Agnes about that.

Why should I talk to your aunt Agnes?

Because it happened to her.

She once identified a guy as a car thief and had him arrested.

BUDDY SORRELL: Well, she did right.

SALLY ROGERS: No, she did wrong because it

turned out to be his own car, and she

was sued for false arrest.

BUDDY SORRELL: I guess, my mother was right.

She says identify nobody.

Forget it, you know, because what

if they turn out to really be the real crooks,

and they come back.

Oh, right, finished, caput.

Who needs it?

BUDDY SORRELL: Sure.

Well, they've gotta be too hasty.

SALLY ROGERS: What's the matter, Ralph, did we scare you?

Well, no.

Why get the police all excited about it?

They may have not even been the robbers.

Oh, it must have been them.

And if I saw people running down the street even,

it's my responsibility to call the police and tell them.

Yeah, that's right, Rob, at least that's

what I learned in civics.

Poor Mr. Miller down there with books on his head,

he's out $50,000 dollars.

Yeah, I know.

He's probably got all kinds of insurance.

ROBERT PETRIE: Yeah, that's right.

He's probably insured for that.

He won't be out anything.

The insurance company will pay all that.

And the insurance company won't be out anything because they'll

raise our premiums.

There's a good reason to call right there.

There's no way around it.

I gotta call the police and talk to them.

You know he's right, Buddy.

Hello, honey.

Honey, to a cop.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Rob, I'm glad you called.

I'm stuck.

I don't know what to fix for dinner.

What do you feel like?

Chicken.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Chicken.

Gosh, not really, honey, I'm just joking.

What do you mean?

Did you hear about the two people

who robbed the jewelry store?

Oh, and chicken's the punch line.

No, honey, it's not a joke.

Listen to me.

Two people robbed Miller's jewelry store,

and I am the only witness.

I have to call the police about it.

Rob, do you have to?

Well, sure I do, honey.

It's my responsibility.

But won't you have to go down and identify them

in one of those police lineups?

I don't know.

Listen.

Can they see you when you see them?

I don't think so.

I think the criminals are in the light and the audience is dark.

I don't think they can see you.

Well, sit in the back anyway.

And listen, why don't you ask them if they have

one of those two way mirrors?

Well, honey, police stations don't have those.

Those are for spies.

Yeah, they do.

I saw it on, "the Defenders"

Look.

Just stop worrying.

Rob, be careful.

I will, honey, don't worry.

I'll talk to you later.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): OK. - Bye.

LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Bye.

Yeah, she's also [inaudible].

I don't know.

Just a minute.

I tell you, I didn't do it.

Take it easy on yourself.

Every two bit heist that comes up, I get

pulled in for the lineup.

I'm innocent.

Sure you are.

I'm innocent. I'm telling you I'm innocent.

All right, buster, if you're innocent,

you'll be out in a minute.

Kind of a rough place you got here.

Can I help you?

What's in that room?

Oh, that's the lineup room.

Oh, that's one of the identifiers.

That's right.

Hey, he took your gun.

No, I keep that locked up in here.

Oh, why do you do that?

Well, we deal with all kinds of people here.

Yeah, like buster in there.

You know, this is the first time

I ever was in a police station.

Can I help you?

Oh, yeah.

I would like to report a witnessing.

A what?

I'd like to report a robbery.

NELSON: Oh.

Not a robbery, the escaping from the scene there of.

I witnessed the running away from--

I'm Robert Petrie.

I phoned in.

I'm a witness, sir.

Oh, yes.

Mr. Petrie, the jewelry store, I'll get Lt. Yarnell.

Have a seat. Make yourself at home.

Oh, thank you.

[music playing]

Mr. Petrie.

I was just checking them out, mister.

My fingerprints are all over those guns.

I better warn you about--

Would you please remove your hat, sir?

I didn't fool with that.

I didn't touch that at all.

Mr. Petrie, Lt. Yarnell will be right with you.

Why don't you sit down?

We have to get some preliminary information here.

Yeah.

Boy, you sure got some great stuff around here.

Hey, could I look at that gun.

Can I trust you?

Whoa.

Oh, that's a mean baby, isn't it?

.40, .45, huh?

No, that's a .38.

Oh, yeah, better heft for your purpose.

Is that P-E-T-R-I-E?

Yeah.

P, Petrie.

Next of kin.

Why do you have to know that?

It's just a formality.

Laura, my wife.

And you live in--

New Rochelle.

NELSON: Now, Mr. Petrie, as close as possible at what time

did you encounter the alleged suspects?

It was about 1 o'clock.

It was in a parking lot.

I don't care.

[interposing voices]

OFFICER: All right.

Quiet down, buster.

Then you actually didn't see the crime committed?

I actually didn't see the crime committed, no.

I'm sorry, I couldn't have been

a little more helpful to you.

LT. YARNELL: Mr. Petrie

Oh, I just got here.

Yarnell.

Oh.

Thank you very much for coming down, sir.

Well, you're welcome.

We appreciate your cooperation.

Well, I was just trying to do my duty.

Why you would be surprised how many

people fail to do their duty.

How many?

We don't actually know.

But we do know that if there were more people like you

with your courage and sense of responsibility,

we'd solve a lot more crimes.

Well, you can count on me, Lieutenant.

Good, Now, Mr. Petrie, since you're the only witness,

it's very important that you give us as accurate

a description as possible.

Any little detail could be a big help.

I understand that.

Take this down, Nelson.

All right, Chief.

Well, the man was--

was wearing a, uh, I think a dark suit and dark shoes.

LT. YARNELL: Dark shoes?

Well, they were dark brown or dark black.

He was tall.

I say tall in comparison with the woman who was short.

She was short in comparison to the man who is tall.

Well, I mean, you realize that the term tall is relative.

About how tall was he?

About 6' 1", that's running.

Running?

Well, yes, a man's running height

is different than his standing height.

Gee, it all depends.

I don't remember whether he was running,

you know, in a crouched position like this,

which it would mean he was probably taller than 6' 1".

Or if he'd been running like that,

it would probably mean he was much taller than 6' 1".

Oh, I remember pretty well that he was tall.

Did see him just standing, bud.

Yes, I did.

How much taller was he than you?

Four feet.

LT. YARNELL: Four feet.

See, the only time I saw standing

was when he knocked me down.

I was looking up at him like that.

It was about four feet.

Let's just say, 6' 1", running.

Yeah.

What was his color?

Red?

Was it his hair?

No, no, his face, he was very overheated from running.

How about his partner?

Lieutenant, in the interest of accuracy,

I couldn't say that it was his partner.

They were just running together.

Can you describe her?

Well, as I said she was wearing a green-- green dress.

How was she built?

Just, great, great.

Can you be a little more specific?

Well, I mean she had great legs.

LT. YARNELL: Mr. Petrie.

Well, see, I was on the ground.

That's all I could see of them.

Anything else?

Well, she had a very deep, sexy voice.

You spoke to her?

No, no, I didn't exactly.

She spoke to me.

She said thank you.

LT. YARNELL: Thank you. - Yeah.

You see, when they knocked me down,

they dropped their black bag.

And I gave it back.

I shouldn't have done that.

I'll bet.

Did she say anything else?

No, then they took the bag, and she said, come on, Frank.

Let's run.

Frank, his name was Frank.

Put that down.

That's probably important.

As long as you remember.

Phone there.

Thank you.

Nelson, well, they'll be right in.

They're ready for you, Lieutenant.

Mr. Petrie, we've rounded up a number of known criminals

who were in the vicinity at the time of the robbery.

We'd like you to take a look at them.

Take a look at them, how?

What we're you--

In a lineup.

Oh, in the room.

Why, I'd be glad to.

Criminology sure has come a long way, hasn't it?

It must be interesting looking at those guys

through those two way mirrors.

Yes, those mirrors are marvelous.

You have one of those?

No, I saw it on, "the Defenders."

Oh.

We still have the same old fashion lineup.

[interposing voices]

Yeah, I'm gonna get you when I get out,

right through the eyes.

Did you hear when he said he's gonna get me?

Police protection, I'll get you with the police protection

right through the eyes.

Right through the eyes, boy.

You dirty stoolie!

Well, Mr. Petrie, shall we do a little identifying?

Say, Lieutenant, I know this is gonna sound silly,

but I promised my wife I'd sit in the back.

[music playing]

Honey, you have no idea how many gangster

couples there are in this city.

I must have looked at 20 mall and thug couples.

I felt like we were in a Jimmy Cagney movie or something.

I spent the whole afternoon worrying about you.

And you talk like you had fun.

ROBERT PETRIE: There'll be no fun until the file on this case

is stamped closed.

So actually you couldn't identify any of them, huh?

No, we tried to get a make on them.

We waited a few, and we came up empty.

Oh, right.

That's the way they talk down at headquarters.

Darling, this is not cops and robbers.

Yes, it is cops and robbers, honey, but it's the real thing.

You know, it's not often that a man gets a chance

to really test his inner self.

And I don't know.

It makes me kind of proud.

I had to put myself in jeopardy today, and I did it.

And it makes me feel good.

Well, it doesn't make me feel too good.

Well, honey, don't worry.

I was a very cooperative witness today,

but I was also a rotten one.

Based on my testimony, I'll never catch those crooks.

I'm not in much jeopardy really.

I don't believe you.

No, honest, honey, they took me back upstairs.

And I bet I looked through 100 mug shots.

I didn't recognize one mug.

And then he brought in the artist,

and he drew a likeness of the suspects from my description.

Well, that's being very helpful.

Are you kidding?

Do you wanna see what they got from my description?

You see.

He gave it to me for Ritchie as a souvenir.

What do you think?

It looks like Broderick Crawford.

Doesn't it?

They say they get a lot of Broderick Crawfords.

Actually, you were useless, huh?

But courageous.

Well, I'm happy to say that's part of my makeup.

Well, I'm just glad this whole thing is over.

Well, I am too.

But I don't know.

In a way, I wish I could've been a little more helpful to them.

Well, I am delighted that you weren't.

Honey, that is not a very good attitude to have.

Rob, you did much more than most people would.

No, I did not.

Some people have good memories.

They remember little details.

I didn't even get the license plate off their Edsel.

They had an Edsel.

You saw them drive an Edsel?

A red Edsel.

I think you're back in jeopardy.

How could I forget a fire engine red Edsel?

There's only one thing to do.

No, Rob, don't.

Honey, I have got to.

I can't withhold information like that.

Yes, you can.

Honey.

Darling, let's analyze.

Analyze what?

What do you actually remember, a red Edsel.

There must be thousands of red Edsels

running around somewhere.

There may be, but I bet there's only one red Edsel

running around with bumper stickers that say I like Ike

and visit Carlsbad Caverns.

LAURA PETRIE: Would you stop remembering?

And white sidewall tires.

Oh, look, Rob, maybe I've just seen too many movies.

But the whole time you were down at that police lineup,

I kept picturing some thug looking at you saying,

I'll get you for this.

I'll get you for this.

And I just don't want some thug running around planning

to get you for that.

Honey, I've just heard enough out of you.

Now I got enough residual scaredness left in here

from my last trip downtown.

A man's gotta do what a man's gotta to do.

And so do I. Honey, will you stop pacing

it's been three hours since I called.

It couldn't have been very good evidence.

They haven't arrested anybody yet.

Three hours, good heavens.

Ritchie, Rich, come on in.

He's out there telling everyone in the neighborhood

about his father, the hero.

Well, then it's all worthwhile.

There's nothing more important than setting the right example

for your child.

Hey, Rich, come here, buddy.

I haven't seen you all day.

How are you, pal?

Fine.

Did you tell everybody about Daddy?

Yeah, I told them.

Did you show them the picture the policeman drew?

Yeah.

Ritchie, do you feel all right?

Yeah.

Hey, I think I know what it is.

He told everybody the story, and nobody

believes that Daddy's a hero.

That's all.

Uh-huh.

ROBERT PETRIE: They're jealous.

They say you're a fink.

A fink.

Ritchie, you apologize.

Your daddy is not a fink.

Thank you.

It wasn't me.

They all say that anyone that squeals is a fink.

How do you like that?

Kids today, I go out and risk my life,

and they all say I'm a fink.

The only thing your father is is a very good citizen,

someone you should be proud of.

But he snitched.

I did not snitch, Rich.

I witnessed.

There's a big difference between snitching and witnessing.

Rich, you may not be old enough now

to realize it unfortunately.

But, well, it doesn't make any difference now

what kid threw the ball through the window

or what kid took the last piece of cake.

And I wouldn't want you to be the one

to point him out either.

But, Ritchie, when people get bigger,

the things they do wrong get bigger.

And very often they just can't be allowed to continue

doing the wrong things they do.

That's why I had to go to the police.

Those people were criminals, Rich, real bad guys.

You mean, it's not like telling on a friend?

That's right, Rich.

If somebody steals something, or if somebody hurts somebody,

and you know about it, you have to tell.

You understand that?

I think so.

You see, Rich.

Your daddy is a very smart man.

He's just taught you--

well, he's taught us both something

that the grownups should know but very often don't.

Do you know what that is?

Uh-huh.

That Daddy isn't a fink.

I'll get it.

Was he real tough?

Oh, Rich, they just seemed tough really.

Then you're really a hero.

Well, not a hero.

Just let's say a good citizen.

LAURA PETRIE: Just a minute, please.

Rob, it's the police.

Yarnell?

Well, looks like they want your old dad for some more help down

at the police station, Rich.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Lt. Yarnell.

No, no bother at all.

Listen, I told you.

I'm ready any time you need me.

You need me.

Rob, what is it?

Just a second, honey, they've gotta have my face

and his face together.

I'll be right down there, Lieutenant.

Thank you, bye.

Oh, boy, can I go?

No, Ritchie, you go next door to Aunt Millie's, and tell

her where Mommy and Daddy are.

I'll be going.

Oh, boy, I'll tell her Daddy isn't a fink too.

Honey, you don't have to go down there with me.

I know.

Well, nothing's gonna to happen.

I know that too.

I just wanna be there when it doesn't.

Talk about one of those days, officer.

Oh, what luck.

Of all the guys I have to bump up into a parking lot,

I have to bump into a good citizen.

Hey, hey.

Mr. Petrie.

Lieutenant Gusteau's sitting right there.

Yes, yes, I know.

Here this way.

Honey, he's not handcuffed.

She didn't see anything.

She's not involved in this.

Mr. Petrie, we believe that this man--

Wait just a minute.

I wanna be sure.

I'm sure. That's the man.

Lock him up.

Mr. Petrie, he knocked you down,

but he didn't rob the jewelry store.

You mean, I told you.

I wasn't sure they were the same people.

I was just trying to be helpful.

You sure?

We're sure.

Well, I wouldn't wanna get innocent people involved

in something should be involved in.

On the contrary, they're already involved.

What do you mean?

Mr. Petrie, you didn't witness the escape of the robbers.

You witnessed the escape of the witnesses.

What?

You mean, this man is a witness just like my husband?

Well, not exactly like him.

You see this man actually saw the hold up and ran away.

Thanks to your husband, we were able to find him,

and he gave us a very good description of the thieves.

Then I did good.

Of course, you did.

He did good, didn't he?

Oh, we're very much indebted to you, Mr. Petrie

Well, I think the average person's impulse

is to run really first of all.

Of course, he had his wife with him.

I think if I had my wife with me,

I might've run to protect her too.

Well, look, Mr. Petrie.

I'd like you to understand it's not that I'm a coward.

If I was with my wife, I wouldn't have been running.

Who was that lady I saw you running with?

That's the lady I'm running with.

You see, I got a wife.

I mean, I'm married to a loser, you know.

You know, she was in the court-room.

She's screaming, the money.

I mean, come on.

A guy's gotta be careful.

Well, you know that.

No, he doesn't.

Thank you, Mr. Petrie.

You're OK.

Boy, I certainly feel sorry for that man's wife,

being stuck with him.

His wife, I feel sorry for him.

Why?

He's stuck with a red Edsel.

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