The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Attempted Marriage - full transcript

[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]

PRESENTER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthew, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Are you awake, Daddy?

Richie, Daddy is asleep.

Could you read me this, Daddy?

Richie, please.

It's Daddy's day off.

Now I'm sleeping.

Richie, what are you doing in here?



You know you're not supposed to bother Daddy when he's asleep.

What are you doing with that tray?

Trying to read it.

Here, Mommy, read it.

ROB: Laura.

[clang]

That does it, I might just as well get up.

No, don't.

Go back to sleep, darling, your eyelids are still closed.

I know, but I'm awake under there.

Doggone it, honey couldn't you read him the tray?

I wanted to sleep at least 9 o'clock.

What time is it?

11:30.



Give me the tray.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

It says, to Sergeant Petrie, good luck and happiness

on your marriage.

Where'd you find this, Rich?

In the basement.

There's more, darling.

I know there's more.

To Laura.

In case he backs out again, you can marry us.

Company E. 35th, Battalion, Camp Crowder, Missouri.

Did you try and back out of marrying Mommy, Daddy?

Oh, not really, Rich.

I just had a little trouble getting

to the chapel, that's all.

Why?

Well, it's a long, long story, Rich.

I'll tell you some other time.

Tell it to me now, Daddy.

There's nothing good on television yet.

Richie, Daddy hasn't even had a cup of coffee yet.

I tell you what, darling, I'll make the coffee,

and you tell Rich the story.

Breakfast in bed?

OK.

You've got a deal.

[clang]

Sorry, darling.

And listen, don't tell a word of that story till I get back.

I want to hear your version.

OK.

Is it hard to ask someone to marry you?

Well, it is for some people.

RICHIE: But not for you, Daddy.

ANNOUNCER: No.

RICHIE: Because you were a soldier.

ROB: It wasn't hard for me.

I just came right out and asked your mama.

You cold?

No, I'm fine.

You sure?

Why'd you stop?

Stop what?

Well, the Jeep? - Yes.

Why?

I thought-- I was going to--

I was going to give you my-- my--

Shirt?

I don't have a jacket on.

LAURA: Shouldn't we be getting back?

Well, yeah.

Sure, but I thought, as long as we were stopped here,

we might just sit here a while, and--

and--

Shiver?

Yeah.

No.

Rob, are you all right?

Well, yeah.

I'm fine.

It's just it's awful cold out tonight.

Cold?

It must be 80 degrees.

It is?

Rob, we better drive right back.

I think you caught a cold.

You're shivering.

Well, it's a family trait.

All the male members of my family

shiver when they're about to propose marriage.

Is that what you're about to do?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

Laura, will you marry me?

You want me to marry you?

Yeah, very much.

Oh.

You're shivering.

Well, all the female members of my family

react this way when they accept marriage proposals.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, I guess we ought to--

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow is right.

Rob?

Huh?

When do you want to?

Want to what?

Get married.

Oh.

Well, I haven't-- I haven't thought about it.

You hadn't?

Well, no.

I thought you say no.

How about-- about-- how about-- how about--

how about Sunday?

S-s-sunday?

Sunday would be fine.

Sunday.

S-sunday.

Just think, next Sunday I'll be Mrs. Robert Petrie.

Yeah, Sunday.

You scared?

No.

So am I.

Now, son, there's no reason to be

afraid when you know what you want, and you go out after it.

Did you and Mommy get married the next Sunday?

No, we didn't.

You backed out?

No, I didn't.

Mommy backed out?

No, I didn't, dear.

That's Sunday I was at the chapel.

All our friends from the USO show

were there, Daddy's buddies, and everyone was there but Daddy.

Where was Daddy?

LAURA: Well, that's what everyone kept asking.

Where is he?

10 minutes of freedom left.

Do I love her?

Yeah, I love her.

Yeah.

Yeah, but is that any reason to get married?

I love Ingrid Bergman, I'm not marrying her.

She forced me into it.

She backed me in a corner, that's what she did.

And she was pretty obvious about it, too.

Yeah, walking around with that sensational figure,

those great legs.

Yeah.

Wearing wild perfume.

Smiling pleasantly, being very nice.

Telling me what a great guy I am.

How much talent I've got.

How much fun I am to be with.

Yeah.

And every time I ask her for a date, what did she say?

Yes!

Boy, if that's not being obvious.

I think I'd better admit it, I'm hooked.

That's right.

I love her.

And I'm glad.

I'm going to go through with it.

Holy smokes, I'm late!

Oh, no.

Oh, she's gonna kill me.

I should have been there 10 minutes ago.

[jeep sputters]

Come on, baby, there's a chapel full of people waiting for me.

Come on.

Come on, sweetheart.

Give it a little choke.

[jeep sputters]

Don't do this to me.

Oh, she's going to kill me.

I had to drive out here on my wedding day, huh?

Take a look under here and see what the trouble is.

Uh-huh.

There it is.

A motor.

The trouble is I don't know anything about it.

Oil.

Sounds all right.

Loose wire!

All I have to do is find a terminal.

That's what caused it.

Maybe.

I bet that did it.

Boy, that better have did it.

[inaudible] further.

Come on, sweetheart.

[car sputters]

Yeah, that did it.

Oh, no.

But she'll kill me.

Oh, she'll never believe me.

Why'd I have to do this on my wedding day, of all days?

I might as well give up, there's no chance

of getting back there now.

They're all standing there in the chapel waiting.

I didn't check--

I didn't check the radiator before I left the motor pool.

I bet it's dry.

Oh, please, make it be dry.

Come on, baby, be dry.

Hey!

[water splashing]

Why did I do that?

Oh, there's nothing to do now.

I'll never get there.

I'll just have to run.

If I run I can make it in an hour.

I'll take a short cut across the artillery range.

Uh-oh.

My ankle's broken.

I know it.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, does that hurt!

Don't pamper it, don't pamper it.

Put your weight on it, that's right.

Think positively.

Oh, that hurts.

It's gonna be fine.

Just don't think about it.

Don't baby it, that's it.

I think I can make it.

I'll just have to hop.

If I can run it in an hour, I can hop it in two hours.

I'm here!

And they're not.

Where is everybody?

Aw, look at the pretty flowers.

Aw.

And there's her little nosegay.

Oh.

She-- she must have stood right here

and waited for me for two hours.

I don't blame her.

I'm gonna to go to her, I'll explain to her,

and she'll understand.

I want to-- I want to lie down before I faint.

Ah!

Oh, Rob.

Laura?

Laura, it's me!

- Let go! - It's me, Rob.

I don't ever want to see you again.

Now wait a minute, honey, I know you're a little upset

today, and I don't blame you.

I'm not upset, and let go of my hand.

No, honey, not until you promise

to stay here and listen to me.

Now, please.

All right, I promise.

Now let go.

OK.

Honey, you promised you'd stay and listen to me.

And you promised you'd marry me!

Where were you?

That's what I want to explain.

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

Everybody was here.

Your friends, your buddies, and the organist kept playing,

and you didn't come, and even my Aunt Mildred was here.

She came all the way from Ohio.

Aw, honey, I hate to see you cry like this.

Well, it's the only way I know how to cry.

You jilted me.

Honey I--

I didn't jilt you.

Well, somebody did.

I came here to get married and I'm still single.

And let go of my hand.

No, sir.

You promised his hand to me in marriage.

You gave it to me.

I'm going to explain to you why I was late,

and if you want your hand back, then I'll be

perfectly happy to give to you.

Make it fast.

My train leaves in an hour.

Do you know something?

A few seconds ago, I was very, very sorry that I came late.

But now I'm kind of glad.

You have just shown me a side of yourself

that you've kept hidden.

Do you know that you are a very stubborn,

unreasonable, egocentric young lady?

How dare you!

And give me back my hand.

I'll give it back to you just as

soon as I'm finished with it.

Now, I'll admit that you suffered

a little mental anguish here today.

Are you so self-centered that you haven't noticed

that I am suffering too?

Oh, are you?

I'm wincing with pain every few seconds.

Ooh.

Ow.

Did you even notice that I'm covered with grease,

and my ankles is swollen to twice its normal size?

Oh!

Don't touch my foot.

Well, what happened?

There, that's what you should have

said when you first saw me.

Oh, Rob, what did happen?

Well, it's a long story.

You might miss your train.

I'd like to hear it.

Well, to tell you the truth, when I got up this morning,

I was scared.

I wasn't sure that our getting married was such a good idea.

Well, I'll admit I had some doubts.

All single men do.

All single men who don't want to get married.

All single men.

There's a foreverness about marriage.

It's frightening.

Not to me.

Well, you've never been a single man.

Well, anyway, I took a drive this morning out to our spot.

Had a nice long talk with myself.

I tried very hard to convince myself that our getting married

was a big mistake.

Oh?

Yeah.

For every good reason I could come up with that I should

marry you, I came up with about 10

good reasons why I shouldn't.

That's nice.

There's only one good reason I couldn't knock down.

I love you.

I know it's a ridiculous reason to get married,

but I'm a little old fashioned.

Well, that's my story.

If you want to go catch your train,

you're perfectly free to go.

How did you hurt your ankle?

Well, the Jeep broke down, and I started running here,

and I tripped and sprained it.

How did you get back here?

I hopped.

All the way?

2 and 1/2 hours.

I believe this is yours.

Next Sunday?

Yes.

Anyway, Rich, we arranged to be married the following Sunday.

All our friends and relatives stayed over at the camp.

That's when you and Daddy got married.

No, we didn't.

You backed out again, Daddy?

Well, not exactly.

As a matter of fact, Mommy thought I backed out,

and she backed out.

Did you, Mommy?

Well, yes, in a way.

Why?

LAURA: Well, because at the time,

things happened to Daddy that I didn't know about.

There you are.

And have you been using your cane, Sergeant?

Sergeant?

Sergeant!

Sir?

Is there anything wrong with your hearing?

No, no.

It feels fine, it's not even tight.

I said, is there anything wrong with your hearing.

Oh, no, sir-- excuse me--

I think I got a little soap in my ear

when I-- when I showered.

[coughing]

How does your throat feel?

Sir?

I said how does your throat feel?

Oh.

It's--

[coughing]

It--

[coughing]

What was the question?

I said, how does your throat feel?

Oh, it feels fine.

Fine.

I think we better have a peek at your throat and ears.

Sir, I don't--

I don't have time to.

I've got to get over to the chapel.

- Ah. - Ah.

In about 20 minutes-- - Ah.

Ah.

It about 20 minutes--

Please, Sergeant.

Ah.

Ahh.

Uh-huh.

Ahh.

Now breathe through your mouth.

[wheezing]

[coughing]

Again.

[wheezing]

[coughing]

[wheezing]

That's fine, Sergeant.

Can I stop breathing now?

Yes.

Thanks.

Corporal.

You're a sick man, Sergeant.

You have a nice upper respiratory infection.

Oh, I have that all the time.

Yes, Captain?

It looks like we got a little epidemic brewing.

Prepare a hospital admittance for the Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

I think you'll have to spend a few days in the hospital.

No, Doctor, I can't stay at a hospital,

I've got to get over to the chapel.

You'll just have to miss chapel this week.

No, sir, you don't understand.

I've got to go.

I've got to get married.

Oh?

You see, what happened was, I disappointed her last week.

Oh.

No.

I walked down in my sprained ankle.

I didn't show up.

If I don't show up this time, she'll think I'm backing out,

but couldn't you just let me go over and get

married and come right back?

Shouldn't take over an hour.

I'm afraid not.

Now you'll just have to phone your fiancee and tell her

she'll have to remain a fiancee for at least another week.

Another week?

Easy, Sergeant.

Right over here.

There you go.

There you are.

Come on, corporal, the Sergeant has a personal call to make.

Oh, she's going to kill me.

She'll never forgive me.

Hello, operator.

Op-- operator.

Would you get me guest bungalow number three?

[coughing]

That's right.

Yes, room number one.

That's all right, operator.

I'll wait.

Hello, honey.

Honey, I got some bad news for you.

We can't get married till next week.

Now don't cry, honey.

Don't cry, honey.

We'll get married next week.

That's all right, go ahead.

We'll use the flowers and get new flowers.

Sorry, sweetheart.

Don't cry.

Your mother can come back.

That's right, we can have all the people

back for the reception.

That's right.

We'll have it next week.

You see I'm in the hospital.

Ah-ha.

Uh-huh.

I'm in a hospital, honey.

I have a temperature of 102.

You wouldn't want me to start and epidemic,

would you, honey, all over the chapel?

Don't cry, sweetheart.

[crash]

ROB (VOICEOVER): I went to the chapel,

but I might just as well have stayed in the infirmary.

My ears were so stuffed I couldn't hear one

word the chaplain was saying.

Robert Petrie, wilt thou have this woman to be thy wife,

to love and to cherish, in sickness--

I do.

I don't.

In sickness and in health until death do you part?

I do.

And do you, Laura, take this man

to love and to cherish in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

I do.

I do.

I don't.

If there be anyone present who knows why these two should not

be joined in lawful wedlock, let him speak

now or forever hold his peace.

I do.

Well, so do I!

I didn't kiss her yet.

Am I married?

Not quite, Sargent.

I better go get her, then.

So you and Mommy never got married?

No, I explained to Mom, and we finally got married.

When?

That same day.

Your daddy and I were married in the camp hospital.

That's a silly place.

Well, but it doesn't matter where you marry,

it's who you marry that counts.

I'm glad you and Mommy got married.

So are we.

Why are you glad?

Because if you didn't get married, I wouldn't be here,

and I'd miss all my best television programs.

[laughing]

Sit down, Rich.

Now, this is the wedding, Rich.

My friends took home movies of it.

RICHIE: Why's everyone wearing masks?

LAURA: So we wouldn't catch Daddy's cold.

Oh.

ROB: There's the chaplain.

There's us shaking hands.

Those are my slippers.

That's Mommy and me kissing.

And that's us kissing again.

Boy you two sure kiss a lot.

Show me that again, Daddy.

OK.

Not that, that.

[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]