The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Two Faces of Rob - full transcript
Did Rob prove a husband can fool his wife by disguising his voice, or is Laura just playing along? Though Rob's Italian accent as suave Dr. Benno Benelli sounds more like Bela Lugosi, Laura makes a phone date with the charming imaginary physician. Which is more important to Rob, pride in his comic gifts or faith in Laura's fidelity?
[theme song]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
We've been pacing like this for three hours now.
If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about
five minutes, let's go home.
Good idea.
Wait, I got it.
What?
Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy.
He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train.
He looks all over, he can't see it.
All of a sudden, his wife opens the door
and in comes the train right into the living room.
The bedroom?
The bathroom?
Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash.
Good, good.
And everybody starts to itch.
Good.
And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution.
He gets an airplane and--
and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion.
Hold it, hold it.
Listen to this.
Listen to this.
(SINGING) You took the part.
I got one, so wasn't my heart.
So why not-- why not take all of me?
I just felt like singing.
All right, all right.
Lunchtime, lunchtime.
What kind of lunchtime?
It's 4:30.
Dinnertime, dinnertime.
You're a little late.
I only got two hands.
Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it.
Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard
on the top. - Willy.
- Piece of lettuce-- - Willy.
--just a small--
Hold the commercial, will you?
Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire.
Like what?
Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night--
Yeah.
--and his wife is also having a dinner party.
Good.
And the problem is to call her and convince
her he has to work late.
That's right.
Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar.
That's right.
Somebody else has to call her, but who?
Why don't he ask his boss and have him call?
Got to be a complete stranger, somebody
his wife doesn't even know.
No, he could call himself and say his car broke down.
No, I don't like that.
Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why
his boss can't call for him.
Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen.
What's the matter?
You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months.
I only got two hands.
Yeah, and you only got two feet.
Why don't you use them? Get out of here.
Now listen to me.
Oh, leave him alone.
[chuckles] I like her.
Hey, I think I got the way we can do it.
What?
Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he
just disguises his voice.
Oh, come on, Rob.
You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize
her own husband's voice.
Well, if he disguises it well enough,
maybe he uses an accent or something.
Oh, Rob, you're wrong.
He's right.
Hey, where'd he go?
He's right.
A guy can disguise his voice.
Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man
with the 1,000 Voices"?
It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces".
Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference?
You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks.
Get outta here!
I still say a guy could disguise
his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him.
And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you.
Come with me.
I'll call my wife.
Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second.
All right, but you gotta try and make it real now.
I'll make it real, don't worry.
I wanna get out of here too.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein.
(COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house?
Stop screaming.
How did I know you were taking a bath?
You see?
Yeah, he's right.
It won't work.
Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using.
You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real.
Let me in there.
- All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean.
You're gonna call Laura?
Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura.
I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice,
I'll fool her.
Hello.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please.
Who did you want?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano.
This is Dr. Bonnelli.
Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.
There's no Dr. Rossano here.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital?
No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble.
Not at all, doctor.
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing.
Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice.
Well, thank you, Doctor.
So do you.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like?
Well, I--
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I?
Well, you could try.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty,
like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.
And all that's best of dark and bright
meet in your aspect and your eyes".
Oh, Doctor!
That was beautiful.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me.
Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"?
By Wayne King?
ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again?
Oh, please.
I'd rather you wouldn't.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00,
carissima.
[laughs] I told you.
I told you that'd work.
I fooled her completely.
She fell for me.
Me!
Rob, you really think you fooled her?
Of course, I did.
Nah, she knows is was you.
No, I tell you.
I fooled her.
She was entranced.
You know something?
You know what she thought?
She thought that she was flirting
with a complete stranger.
[chuckles]
Ah, you guys are right.
Of course, she knew it was me all along.
I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife.
[chuckles]
You guys, right.
You were sure right.
A man can't fool his own wife.
Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago.
But keep talking, maybe you'll convince
yourself on your way home.
Goodnight, Rob.
Goodnight, Roberto.
[laughs]
Oh, that wife of mine.
What a kidder, boy.
She's so cute.
I'm gonna kill her.
Laura?
Good evening, darling.
I don't know what she meant by that.
Hey, honey.
What's this all about?
We having guests for dinner?
LAURA PETRIE: No.
Well, what's the big occasion?
LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear.
I just felt romantic today.
Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi.
[chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful.
Thank you, darling.
How was your day?
Just marvelous.
What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do?
Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry,
ran the mimeograph machine of PTA.
Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife,
nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles]
Oh, yeah?
Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen?
Mm-hmm.
Well, come on, tell me.
Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner,
but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese.
I found it at a charming little continental restaurant.
It's delicious.
Taste it.
And there's something else I did today.
I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you.
Ita-- Italian?
Mm-hmm.
Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden?
Well, I don't know, dear.
It just came to me like any idea.
I mean, after all, what inspired the radio?
It just came to Marconi.
Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he?
Yes.
[phone rings]
Never mind, darling, I'll get it.
Hello.
Millie, uh, listen.
Rob and I are just about to have our dinner.
Can I call you back?
All right, bye-bye.
Oh, darling, I am sorry.
Were you expecting an important phone
call or something?
No, why?
Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone.
I always lunge that way.
RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy.
Hey, Rich.
Where you been hiding?
In the bathtub.
[laughs]
When's Saturday, Daddy?
Saturday, day after tomorrow.
Good.
Goodnight.
Night.
Goodnight, Mommy.
Goodnight, dear.
Oh, boy, only two more days.
And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente?
Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase.
It means, how sweet to do nothing.
Isn't that cute?
Yeah.
Darling, would you open the wine?
(SINGING) Dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente.
Niente--
Dolce far niente.
She never hums my phone calls.
Garlic bread.
Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight?
I hope you like it, carissima.
[coughs]
What is it?
Rob, are you all right?
Darling, are you sure?
I'm positive.
I'm positive, I'm fine.
Boy, was that train crowded tonight.
I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat.
I could have taken it 5:44 you know,
but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste
the 14 extra minutes.
Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat
on it because it's not very--
[clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima?
Carissima?
I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it.
Well, yeah, I know, but where?
Well, I don't remember, dar--
Rob, what is it?
You seem so jumpy.
Well, I'm--
I'm-- I'm very edgy.
Well, why?
Well, I've had a tough day at the office.
Well, that wine, I--
I'm sorry, dear.
Here, you sit down and relax.
Watch some television.
Dinner will be ready in just a minute.
She put me on.
She knows darn well who made that phone call.
MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel,
is that the lady is married, she's a housewife
and she's got a secret.
Oh, boy.
[clacking of piano]
Dolce far niente.
Morning, Rob.
Hi.
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob.
Hey, listen, Rob.
All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue
and the whole show is written.
And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him.
Yeah, yeah, see if you like this.
Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing
pigeon with a woodpecker.
The bird doesn't only deliver the message,
it knocks on the door.
Cute, huh?
What do you think?
I think that she didn't even know it was me.
She didn't say anything about a phone call.
Are you still harping on that bit?
Oh, come on, Rob.
She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her.
She knows it's you.
She thought it was him.
That's what she wants you to think.
She knows is was you.
You trying to tell me about her?
You may know you, but you don't know her.
She thought it was him.
Well, I know her and I know you.
And I'm telling you, she knows it's you.
What, you think you know about us?
But I am part of us and I don't know her.
But I know her better than you know her,
and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me.
I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone.
Call her up and ask her.
I can't do that.
If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me.
She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else.
[snaps fingers] I know what to do.
ROB PETRIE: What?
Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone.
Call Laura and ask her for a date.
Then if she says, yes or no, you'll
know one way or the other.
Are you crazy?
Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do,
carry on with that stupid practical joke.
I don't know why I ever started it in the first place.
I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize.
That's what I'll do.
I've let this thing go on long enough.
I've got to put an end to it.
I feel like such a nut.
I've got to tell her the truth.
LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello?
Hello?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima.
It is Dr. Bonnelli.
Oh.
Who is it?
Shh.
Hello, Doctor.
Doctor, who?
Millie!
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima?
Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual.
Whose carissima's dull?
Millie!
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull?
I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant,
so full of the love of life.
You're very perceptive, Doctor.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno.
Berno?
Berno, what an enchanting name.
Ooh, yeah.
Millie!
What was that, Berno?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what--
what shall I call you?
Oh, carissima's fine.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married?
Would it make a difference?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I--
I suppose not.
Then why ask the question?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima.
Carissima, I must see you.
I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails,
the Casa Marie at 4:00.
I'm sorry, but I can't be there.
I could make it at 4:30 though.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine.
Arrivederci.
Arrivederci-- who was that?
Huh?
Oh, that was Rob.
What's the matter, Rob?
You OK?
She's-- she's putting me on.
[chuckles] She just put me on, that's all.
Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her.
I mean, she'd never do anything like that.
She's just-- she's just kidding me.
I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back.
I deserve it.
You know something?
I deserve that.
Well, let's, uh, finish up this work.
We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early.
How early, Rob?
Say about 4:30?
Come on.
You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar.
No, I don't, but you do.
Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone,
she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar.
I would.
Come on, you guys, that's enough.
Let's get to work.
Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
She won't, there's not a chance.
Well, just suppose she does.
Then she'll be stood up.
Look, she will not be stood up because she
is not gonna be there.
Now she is my wife and I know her.
I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing
on as long as I have.
I should have told her a long time ago
and told her the truth.
Believe me, when I get home tonight,
I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
Oh, no, not Laura.
She won't say a word for months.
Charming, charming, charming.
Honey?
Honey?
Laura?
Hey, Ritchie?
Ritchie, where's Mamma?
[inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible]..
Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him!
Oh, it can't be.
Look, when a man comes home to see his wife
with beautiful flowers, the least she could
is be here to greet him.
Now Millie, is Laura over there?
Were she--
[growls] Um, well, I'm sorry.
Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back.
Where have you been?
Where have I been?
Well, I asked you first.
Where have you been?
And what are you doing wearing that dress?
I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress.
Isn't that the dress I bought you and--
and--
And what?
Well, I'd-- I'd--
I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that
dress when I'm not with you.
And where were ya?
I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria.
Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume.
[chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you!
Rob, why did you stand me up?
I didn't stand you up.
Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there.
Honey, I am sorry.
Will you sit down for just a minute?
I'd like to try and explain.
Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones
and the others.
Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute.
Will you, honey?
Now let me try--
honey, it was just a silly mistake.
It all started out in the office.
It was an experiment for a sketch.
We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice
and his wife wouldn't recognize him.
Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you,
it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke.
And I'm sorry and I apologize.
Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me.
I'm not even asking you to forgive me.
I'm not even asking you to be nice to me.
I'm just asking you to let me live here.
Oh, boy, honey.
I mean, it was such a relief to find out you
knew it was me right from the beginning.
You knew it was me right away, didn't you?
[chuckles]
I mean, didn't you know it was me right away?
Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up
and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that
Italian restaurant for dinner?
Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh?
No, maybe that way it'll teach you not
to play practical jokes on me.
Well, honey, it was just an experiment.
We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice.
Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you?
[chuckles]
Sure you did.
Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face.
He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous.
Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again.
I know.
[phone rings]
If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it.
[laughs] Hello.
Just a minute, please.
It's Rob.
He's doing it again.
This time he's Hungarian.
Well, give it to him good.
Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares.
You have a charming voice and an adorable accent.
I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful--
tell me something.
Do you like my voice?
I thought you would.
What's your name?
Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight?
Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband.
Well, the quickest way to get here
is to hop into your little car and drive over
to the West Side Highway at--
how dare you, sir.
Don't you ever call this number again!
That wasn't you?
No, this is me.
Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again.
- Come here. - Why?
MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding.
Yes.
Rob, there's no reason to get angry.
She thought that was you on the phone.
She thought you were continuing that--
Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry,
you're just being childish.
Rob, please, try to understand.
Do you understand?
I guess he understands.
[theme song]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.
We've been pacing like this for three hours now.
If we don't come up with a sketch idea in about
five minutes, let's go home.
Good idea.
Wait, I got it.
What?
Well, Alan thinks he's going crazy.
He's sitting home and he keeps hearing a train.
He looks all over, he can't see it.
All of a sudden, his wife opens the door
and in comes the train right into the living room.
The bedroom?
The bathroom?
Hey, the whole city of New York breaks out in a rash.
Good, good.
And everybody starts to itch.
Good.
And Alan plays the doctor who comes up with a solution.
He gets an airplane and--
and he sprays the whole city with calamine lotion.
Hold it, hold it.
Listen to this.
Listen to this.
(SINGING) You took the part.
I got one, so wasn't my heart.
So why not-- why not take all of me?
I just felt like singing.
All right, all right.
Lunchtime, lunchtime.
What kind of lunchtime?
It's 4:30.
Dinnertime, dinnertime.
You're a little late.
I only got two hands.
Here's your pastrami, just the way you like it.
Not too fat, not to lean, mustard on the bottom, mustard
on the top. - Willy.
- Piece of lettuce-- - Willy.
--just a small--
Hold the commercial, will you?
Look, you guys, we gotta come up with something that's surefire.
Like what?
Well, suppose that it's Alan's poker night--
Yeah.
--and his wife is also having a dinner party.
Good.
And the problem is to call her and convince
her he has to work late.
That's right.
Yeah, but she wouldn't believe him because he's a bad liar.
That's right.
Somebody else has to call her, but who?
Why don't he ask his boss and have him call?
Got to be a complete stranger, somebody
his wife doesn't even know.
No, he could call himself and say his car broke down.
No, I don't like that.
Maybe I'm stupid, but I don't see why
his boss can't call for him.
Hey, we gotta get a new delicatessen.
What's the matter?
You haven't come up with a fresh idea in months.
I only got two hands.
Yeah, and you only got two feet.
Why don't you use them? Get out of here.
Now listen to me.
Oh, leave him alone.
[chuckles] I like her.
Hey, I think I got the way we can do it.
What?
Alan, himself, calls his wife, but he
just disguises his voice.
Oh, come on, Rob.
You couldn't tell me a wife wouldn't recognize
her own husband's voice.
Well, if he disguises it well enough,
maybe he uses an accent or something.
Oh, Rob, you're wrong.
He's right.
Hey, where'd he go?
He's right.
A guy can disguise his voice.
Did you ever hear Lon Chaney, "The Man
with the 1,000 Voices"?
It was "A Man with a Thousand Faces".
Eh, faces, voices, what's the difference?
You guys are two particular, that's why your show stinks.
Get outta here!
I still say a guy could disguise
his voice well enough that his wife wouldn't recognize him.
And I say you're wrong and I'll prove it to you.
Come with me.
I'll call my wife.
Guarantee she'll recognize it's my voice in one second.
All right, but you gotta try and make it real now.
I'll make it real, don't worry.
I wanna get out of here too.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Oh, guten tag, meine fraulein.
(COMIC ACCENT) Is this the lady of the house?
Stop screaming.
How did I know you were taking a bath?
You see?
Yeah, he's right.
It won't work.
Well, no, not with that hokey, comic accent that he's using.
You gotta make it a little bit subtle, make it sound real.
Let me in there.
- All right, be my guest. - Let me show you want I mean.
You're gonna call Laura?
Yeah, I'm gonna call Laura.
I guarantee you, as well as she knows me and knows my voice,
I'll fool her.
Hello.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, uh, Dr. Rossano, please.
Who did you want?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dr. Rossano.
This is Dr. Bonnelli.
Well, I'm afraid you have the wrong number.
There's no Dr. Rossano here.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, this is not New Rochelle Hospital?
No, it isn't, but, uh, I could look it up for you.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Well, if it is not too much trouble.
Not at all, doctor.
I'm not doing anything.
Oh, dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) It means how sweet to do nothing.
Dolce far niente, what a lovely phrase.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) And you, you have a lovely voice.
Well, thank you, Doctor.
So do you.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What do you look like?
Well, I--
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Let me guess, may I?
Well, you could try.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I would say you "walk in beauty,
like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies.
And all that's best of dark and bright
meet in your aspect and your eyes".
Oh, Doctor!
That was beautiful.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Oh, tell me.
Would you-- would you like to hear, "How Do I Love Thee"?
By Wayne King?
ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): (ITALIAN ACCENT) Dare I call you again?
Oh, please.
I'd rather you wouldn't.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I will call you tomorrow at 2:00,
carissima.
[laughs] I told you.
I told you that'd work.
I fooled her completely.
She fell for me.
Me!
Rob, you really think you fooled her?
Of course, I did.
Nah, she knows is was you.
No, I tell you.
I fooled her.
She was entranced.
You know something?
You know what she thought?
She thought that she was flirting
with a complete stranger.
[chuckles]
Ah, you guys are right.
Of course, she knew it was me all along.
I mean, a husband couldn't-- couldn't fool his own wife.
[chuckles]
You guys, right.
You were sure right.
A man can't fool his own wife.
Rob, you convinced me an hour and a half ago.
But keep talking, maybe you'll convince
yourself on your way home.
Goodnight, Rob.
Goodnight, Roberto.
[laughs]
Oh, that wife of mine.
What a kidder, boy.
She's so cute.
I'm gonna kill her.
Laura?
Good evening, darling.
I don't know what she meant by that.
Hey, honey.
What's this all about?
We having guests for dinner?
LAURA PETRIE: No.
Well, what's the big occasion?
LAURA PETRIE: Nothing, dear.
I just felt romantic today.
Romantic, a married woman and she-- hi.
[chuckles] You sure look-- sure look beautiful.
Thank you, darling.
How was your day?
Just marvelous.
What ah-- what ah-- what'd you do?
Oh, the usual, shopping, laundry,
ran the mimeograph machine of PTA.
Well, I guess that's the life of a housewife,
nothing exciting ever happens. [chuckles]
Oh, yeah?
Well, you mean, uh-- you mean something exciting did happen?
Mm-hmm.
Well, come on, tell me.
Well, I wasn't gonna tell you until after dinner,
but darling, I bought some Armenian string cheese.
I found it at a charming little continental restaurant.
It's delicious.
Taste it.
And there's something else I did today.
I prepared an authentic Italian dinner for you.
Ita-- Italian?
Mm-hmm.
Why a-- why an Italian dinner all of a sudden?
Well, I don't know, dear.
It just came to me like any idea.
I mean, after all, what inspired the radio?
It just came to Marconi.
Marconi, an Italian fellow, wasn't he?
Yes.
[phone rings]
Never mind, darling, I'll get it.
Hello.
Millie, uh, listen.
Rob and I are just about to have our dinner.
Can I call you back?
All right, bye-bye.
Oh, darling, I am sorry.
Were you expecting an important phone
call or something?
No, why?
Why, I mean, the way you lunged at that phone.
I always lunge that way.
RITCHIE PETRIE: Hi, Daddy.
Hey, Rich.
Where you been hiding?
In the bathtub.
[laughs]
When's Saturday, Daddy?
Saturday, day after tomorrow.
Good.
Goodnight.
Night.
Goodnight, Mommy.
Goodnight, dear.
Oh, boy, only two more days.
And then like you said, Mommy, dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente?
Oh, yes, that's an Italian phrase.
It means, how sweet to do nothing.
Isn't that cute?
Yeah.
Darling, would you open the wine?
(SINGING) Dolce far niente.
Dolce far niente.
Niente--
Dolce far niente.
She never hums my phone calls.
Garlic bread.
Oh, we're, ah, really, really Italian, aren't we tonight?
I hope you like it, carissima.
[coughs]
What is it?
Rob, are you all right?
Darling, are you sure?
I'm positive.
I'm positive, I'm fine.
Boy, was that train crowded tonight.
I walked-- I had to walk back seven cars just to get a seat.
I could have taken it 5:44 you know,
but I figured I'd rather stand up than waste
the 14 extra minutes.
Even on the 5:44, I can-- you know, you can always get a seat
on it because it's not very--
[clears throat] Where did you ever hear the word carissima?
Carissima?
I don't know, dear, but I heard someone say it.
Well, yeah, I know, but where?
Well, I don't remember, dar--
Rob, what is it?
You seem so jumpy.
Well, I'm--
I'm-- I'm very edgy.
Well, why?
Well, I've had a tough day at the office.
Well, that wine, I--
I'm sorry, dear.
Here, you sit down and relax.
Watch some television.
Dinner will be ready in just a minute.
She put me on.
She knows darn well who made that phone call.
MAN (ON TV): All we can tell you panel,
is that the lady is married, she's a housewife
and she's got a secret.
Oh, boy.
[clacking of piano]
Dolce far niente.
Morning, Rob.
Hi.
BUDDY SORRELL: Hi, Rob.
Hey, listen, Rob.
All we need is a few more jokes for the opening monologue
and the whole show is written.
And Buddy came up with a beaut. Tell him.
Yeah, yeah, see if you like this.
Alan plays a mad bird scientist and he crosses a homing
pigeon with a woodpecker.
The bird doesn't only deliver the message,
it knocks on the door.
Cute, huh?
What do you think?
I think that she didn't even know it was me.
She didn't say anything about a phone call.
Are you still harping on that bit?
Oh, come on, Rob.
She's teasing you because she thought you were teasing her.
She knows it's you.
She thought it was him.
That's what she wants you to think.
She knows is was you.
You trying to tell me about her?
You may know you, but you don't know her.
She thought it was him.
Well, I know her and I know you.
And I'm telling you, she knows it's you.
What, you think you know about us?
But I am part of us and I don't know her.
But I know her better than you know her,
and I tell you that she thought it was him and not me.
I like the way your eyes light up when you go crazy.
Rob, if you're in such doubt, why don't you pick up a phone.
Call her up and ask her.
I can't do that.
If I call her up, naturally she's gonna say it was me.
She's not gonna admit that she was flirting with someone else.
[snaps fingers] I know what to do.
ROB PETRIE: What?
Make like that Dr. Bonnelli again on the phone.
Call Laura and ask her for a date.
Then if she says, yes or no, you'll
know one way or the other.
Are you crazy?
Now that would be the meanest thing I could possibly do,
carry on with that stupid practical joke.
I don't know why I ever started it in the first place.
I am gonna call her right now and I'm gonna apologize.
That's what I'll do.
I've let this thing go on long enough.
I've got to put an end to it.
I feel like such a nut.
I've got to tell her the truth.
LAURA PETRIE (ON PHONE): Hello?
Hello?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Hello, carissima.
It is Dr. Bonnelli.
Oh.
Who is it?
Shh.
Hello, Doctor.
Doctor, who?
Millie!
(ITALIAN ACCENT) What have you been doing, carissima?
Well, life's the same for your carissima, dull as usual.
Whose carissima's dull?
Millie!
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Dull?
I mean, a woman of your charm so, so vibrant,
so full of the love of life.
You're very perceptive, Doctor.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Please, um, call me, Berno.
Berno?
Berno, what an enchanting name.
Ooh, yeah.
Millie!
What was that, Berno?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) I said, uh, and what--
what shall I call you?
Oh, carissima's fine.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima, are you married?
Would it make a difference?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) No, I--
I suppose not.
Then why ask the question?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) Carissima.
Carissima, I must see you.
I must see you this afternoon for-- for cocktails,
the Casa Marie at 4:00.
I'm sorry, but I can't be there.
I could make it at 4:30 though.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) That-- that-- that would be just fine.
Arrivederci.
Arrivederci-- who was that?
Huh?
Oh, that was Rob.
What's the matter, Rob?
You OK?
She's-- she's putting me on.
[chuckles] She just put me on, that's all.
Wait, she-- she-- she accepted a date and that's not like her.
I mean, she'd never do anything like that.
She's just-- she's just kidding me.
I played a practical joke on her and she's paying me back.
I deserve it.
You know something?
I deserve that.
Well, let's, uh, finish up this work.
We'll do it no time, then we'll knock off early.
How early, Rob?
Say about 4:30?
Come on.
You don't really think she's gonna go down to that bar.
No, I don't, but you do.
Look, even if she didn't know that that was me on the phone,
she'd never would meet a strange man in a strange bar.
I would.
Come on, you guys, that's enough.
Let's get to work.
Um, Rob, suppose Laura shows up at the bar at 4:30.
She won't, there's not a chance.
Well, just suppose she does.
Then she'll be stood up.
Look, she will not be stood up because she
is not gonna be there.
Now she is my wife and I know her.
I don't know why I've carried this ridiculous thing
on as long as I have.
I should have told her a long time ago
and told her the truth.
Believe me, when I get home tonight,
I'm gonna explain the whole ridiculous thing to her.
Boy, she's gonna give it to you pretty good, Rob.
Oh, no, not Laura.
She won't say a word for months.
Charming, charming, charming.
Honey?
Honey?
Laura?
Hey, Ritchie?
Ritchie, where's Mamma?
[inaudible] that's [inaudible] shopping [inaudible]..
Dr. Bonnelli, I'll kill him!
Oh, it can't be.
Look, when a man comes home to see his wife
with beautiful flowers, the least she could
is be here to greet him.
Now Millie, is Laura over there?
Were she--
[growls] Um, well, I'm sorry.
Chew some gum, your eye drum will pop back.
Where have you been?
Where have I been?
Well, I asked you first.
Where have you been?
And what are you doing wearing that dress?
I had a date, that's what I'm doing wearing that dress.
Isn't that the dress I bought you and--
and--
And what?
Well, I'd-- I'd--
I'd-- I'd-- I don't think it's right for you to wear that
dress when I'm not with you.
And where were ya?
I was where I was supposed to be, at Casa Maria.
Uh-huh, waiting for Dr. Bonnelli, I presume.
[chuckles] Boy-- boy, did I fool you!
Rob, why did you stand me up?
I didn't stand you up.
Dr. Bon-- who knew you'd go there.
Honey, I am sorry.
Will you sit down for just a minute?
I'd like to try and explain.
Here, I brought you flowers, your favorite red ones
and the others.
Ha, we-- just sit down for a minute.
Will you, honey?
Now let me try--
honey, it was just a silly mistake.
It all started out in the office.
It was an experiment for a sketch.
We just wanted to see if a guy could disguise his voice
and his wife wouldn't recognize him.
Now honey, before I got a chance to explain to you,
it got out of hand and it became an ugly, ugly practical joke.
And I'm sorry and I apologize.
Honey, I-- I don't blame you for not jumping to forgive me.
I'm not even asking you to forgive me.
I'm not even asking you to be nice to me.
I'm just asking you to let me live here.
Oh, boy, honey.
I mean, it was such a relief to find out you
knew it was me right from the beginning.
You knew it was me right away, didn't you?
[chuckles]
I mean, didn't you know it was me right away?
Honey, [clears throat] as long as I'm all dressed up
and Ritchie's over at Millie's why don't we go to that
Italian restaurant for dinner?
Uh, you're not going to tell me, huh?
No, maybe that way it'll teach you not
to play practical jokes on me.
Well, honey, it was just an experiment.
We just called to see if a wife recognizes his voice.
Now come on, you knew it was me right away, didn't you?
[chuckles]
Sure you did.
Well, Millie, you should have seen Rob's face.
He looks so cute when he's insanely jealous.
Well, I don't imagine he'll play that joke again.
I know.
[phone rings]
If Jerry did that to me, boy, would I let him have it.
[laughs] Hello.
Just a minute, please.
It's Rob.
He's doing it again.
This time he's Hungarian.
Well, give it to him good.
Hello, you have the wrong number, but who cares.
You have a charming voice and an adorable accent.
I bet you're a tall, handsome and a wonderful--
tell me something.
Do you like my voice?
I thought you would.
What's your name?
Laszlo, that is Hungarian, isn't it?
Mm-hmm.
Laszlo, would you like to come to my house for dinner tonight?
Well, don't worry, I'll get rid of my husband.
Well, the quickest way to get here
is to hop into your little car and drive over
to the West Side Highway at--
how dare you, sir.
Don't you ever call this number again!
That wasn't you?
No, this is me.
Well, Rob, I thought that was you just fooling around again.
- Come here. - Why?
MILLIE HELPER: Rob, she really thought you were kidding.
Yes.
Rob, there's no reason to get angry.
She thought that was you on the phone.
She thought you were continuing that--
Rob, if you're gonna fight and be angry,
you're just being childish.
Rob, please, try to understand.
Do you understand?
I guess he understands.
[theme song]