The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 1 - Never Name a Duck - full transcript

[theme song]

NARRATOR: The "Dick Van Dyke Show" starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, boy am I glad this week is over.

This has been a rough one.

Oh, every bone in my brain aches.

Hey, you know what's good for that?

What?

When you get home, get a bucket of warm water

and soak your head for 20 minutes.



Thanks a lot.

I'd drown.

Do you want to get rid of the headache or not?

True.

Have a good night, everybody. - Good night, Buddy.

Night, Buddy.

Hey, look who's here.

Jeannie with the light brown scalp.

Now I know what a producer does, deliver the garbage.

Rob, I've got to get rid of these toys we used on the show

last week.

Open a little stand on the corner.

There must be something Ritchie can use.

I'm sure there will be.



I'll leave you to distribute them fairly.

Well, I've got to run.

Yeah, run right into that brick wall out there.

Yep.

Boy, there sure is a lot of junk in here.

Who wants a doll? - Oh, good.

Give her to me.

I'll give her to my neighbor's kid,

Hey, here's something for Ritchie.

A bathtub toy with a plastic fish in it.

I think Ritchie's a little too old for plastic fish.

I'll take it.

I don't want to be personal, but aren't you old enough

to bathe with real fish?

It's not for me.

It's for Mr. Henderson, my cat.

Your cat eats plastic fish?

SALLY AND ROB: It's a plastic cat.

Thank you.

Hey, there's something Ritchie and I could use at the beach

this summer.

Why don't we go to the mountains?

Hey, Ritchie'll love this.

Oh, no BB guns.

Laura's against guns.

OK, I'll take it.

I'll use it on my boyfriend Herman.

In case he gets fresh?

No, in case he doesn't.

Hey, who wants a teddy bear?

Ritchie's got one.

Hey, I'll take it for my wife.

She can use it for a pincushion.

It's a pretty big pincushion.

She got big pins.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, she's very tall, and boney.

Who wants two dolls?

Oh, give it to me.

I got lots of neighbors.

Now look, this isn't fair.

We're grabbing all the toys and Rob's

the only one who's got a kid. - She's right.

Give us the kid.

If you don't mind, I'd like to keep him a little while longer.

Just helping.

Hey here's something maybe Ritchie could use.

Oh, what is it?

It's a box.

Oh, come on.

[duckling chirps]

Baby ducks.

Oh, aren't they cute?

Oh, they're the ones we used in the final number last week.

Well, what are we going to do with live baby ducks?

No, what are you going to do with like baby ducks?

They can't come home with me unless I want to be cat food.

Oh, yeah.

How about you, Buddy?

Oh, all right I'll take them.

My dog likes to eat between meals.

[ducks quacking]

They're cute.

This one's got a little black spot right on his beak there.

Sal, here. You know about these things.

You're a woman.

Oh, you've noticed?

Thank you.

We notice all the time.

Aw.

Give them to Ritchie, he'll love them.

But Laura won't.

We got him a couple of baby chicks Easter,

and they both died the same day.

Laura was very upset.

No more like chicks.

But they're not chicks, they're ducks.

Well, it's the same thing.

It is not.

They got flat noses.

Even if they had square noses, you

can't leave them in the office.

That's right.

They're definitely not office ducks.

SALLY: Aw, Rob, look how cute they are.

How can Laura not like them?

Easy.

Let me see.

Hey, can't you just picture these little fellows

just waddling all over your house, frolicking,

and quacking, and--

and--

Those and uhs will get me thrown right out of the house.

Oh, I can't do that to Laura.

You guys don't know how much trouble these things

can be around the house.

Boy, if I was in Laura's shoes, I

sure wouldn't want them around.

They sure are soft.

I think I'm in love.

You guys are coming home with me.

[music playing]

Keep your big, flat beaks shut.

LAURA: Hi, honey.

Who's there?

Just an average housewife who needs kissing desperately.

How did you do that?

That was just--

what-- where's Rich?

Where's Rich?

Is that what you're going to say?

Well, what'd you expect?

Well, I don't know.

How about why the big sexy hello?

Or did you smash a fender?

Or how much did that dress cost?

Well, I'll try all three.

A why the, did you, and how much?

Well, because I love you, I didn't, and $12.95.

Wonderful.

Where is Rich?

Wait, he's in the bathtub.

Why?

Well, I didn't want him popping in on us suddenly.

Oh, what'd you have in mind?

Well, I want to be alone with you just a minute.

Why, darling, how romantic.

Do you know something?

You've been seeing too many Italian movies.

Honey, I've got a surprise for you.

Oh?

Yeah.

Couple of house guests.

What?

Well, I want you to know, first of all,

I had absolutely no choice in the matter.

I had to bring them home.

You brought Buddy and Sally for dinner

and I'm serving leftovers.

No, honey, you're-- now you're--

leftovers?

How could we have leftovers?

We ate out last night.

We had breakfast in.

- Leftover eggs? - No.

Leftover spaghetti.

Oh.

Well, all right, where are they?

Well, they're in the closet.

The closet?

It's all right, honey.

They're in a box.

Rob, what are you talking about?

Well, honey, you-- you remember

last Easter we bought Ritchie those two cute,

little baby chicks?

Oh, not baby chicks.

You didn't.

No, I didn't.

Don't look relieved yet.

I brought baby ducks.

You couldn't have.

Why would I lie about a thing like that?

Honey, we used them on a show a couple weeks ago,

and they were abandoned.

LAURA: That step.

I saw it.

Honey, I just couldn't leave them sitting

in the office over the weekend.

Rob, we can't have ducks in the house.

They'll be running all over the rugs, and quacking, and--

and--

Honey, maybe we can put them in the garage

until we figure out what to do with them.

Don't open them. Don't show them to me.

I don't want to see them. I know what you're thinking.

What am I thinking?

That if I look at them, I'll find them irresistible,

and let you keep them.

Aw, honey, they're so small, and cute, and they're orphans.

Rob, please put them back in the box.

I don't want to look at them.

You're going to have to get rid of them.

You're going to have to get rid of them.

Me? Why me?

You brought them home.

Well, that's why.

I know them, and we're in love.

Well, we'll just have to get somebody to take

them before Richie sees them.

And please, put them back in the box, Rob.

OK, fellows, sit down.

She's not ready for you.

Honey, just listen to them.

I will not listen.

One of us has to remain strong.

Can't you just listen to them?

(SINGING) Way down upon the--

He's hungry.

(SINGING) Then give him some food.

Mommy!

- What is it, Rich? - Hi, Daddy,

ROB: Hi, Rich.

LAURA: Ritchie, what are you doing out of the tub?

My submarine sank.

His submarine sank.

Good, Ritchie, you get back into that tub.

The water's gone.

Well, then just fill it up again.

What's in that box, Mommy?

Oh, nothing Rich.

Nothing.

Now you go get ready for dinner, please.

[ducks chirping]

I heard a baby chick.

Of course, you heard a baby chick.

(WHISTLING)

Do it again.

Well, I'll cheep some more after dinner for you.

Aw, please.

Rich, you know daddy doesn't like

the cheap on an empty stomach.

No, go get-- will you go--

[ducks chirping]

How can you cheep and talk at the same time, daddy?

Well, cheap and talk--

well, I'm not the only one cheeping.

Mama's cheeping too.

RITCHIE: Are you, Mommy?

Yes, I--

[cheeping]

See?

Now you go get dressed, Ritchie.

That's real cheeping.

Daddy, you have chicks behind you.

I want to see the chicks

Honey, what do I do?

Show him the ducks.

Ducks!

Let me see!

Ritchie, wait a minute.

Rich, look I got to understand though.

Just visiting for the weekend, Rich, and we can't have them.

They're not ours.

They can't stay.

Oh, look what flat feet they have, Mommy.

Yes, I see, dear.

They're very cute.

I'm going to call this one Oliver, and this one Stanley.

He's going to call them Oliver and Stanley.

Look like flat mouths they have, Daddy,

Yeah, well, those are called "beaks," Rich.

That's not-- they're-- we can't-- they're not ours.

We can't have them.

Honey, we're stuck.

He's got names for them already.

This is Oliver.

Rob, please, put it back.

Come on, Oliver, take it easy.

Ritchie, watch Stanley and Oliver.

Don't let them fall.

Honey, how can we give away cute little balls of fur like that?

Oh, Rob, those cute little balls of fur

are going to grow into big, fat, noisy, dirty, dumb ducks.

How can you be such a pessimist?

A pessimist?

Well, yeah, there's a bright side to having

ducks around the house too.

There is?

Well, yeah.

When they-- when they grow up, we can have fresh duck eggs

for breakfast every morning.

From which one?

Oliver or Stanley?

[music playing]

You mean you can hear the quacking next door?

Well, I'm sorry Millie, but I don't know what to do.

No, we can't give them away.

Since Oliver died, Ritchie's become so attached to Stanley

that he bursts into tears every time we punish that duck.

Oh, yes, you have to every once in a while.

They quack a lot, but they get over it.

What?

Oh, well, we punish him by taking

away his bathtub privileges.

I know it sounds crazy, Millie.

But listen, we'll try to keep him quiet tonight.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Millie.

[music playing]

[duck quacks]

Come on, Ritchie, off to school.

But I didn't feed Stanley his breakfast.

Well, I'll feed him.

You get on to school.

Come on, Rich, you'll be late.

Goodbye, sweetie.

Bye-bye, Mommy.

Bye, Stanley.

Eat your cereal.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye, Rich.

Well, don't you think it's time we found him a new home?

Ssh, not in front of the D-U-C-K.

It's not funny.

That bird should be swimming in a lake not in the sink.

Oh, I know it, honey.

Did I tell you the dream I had last night?

No.

I dreamed that Stanley was in this--

in this sink, and I accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

Oh, Rob.

Watermelon rinds, and feathers, and everything--

Rob, please stop it.

--all over.

Well, honey, what are we going to do?

I don't know, dear, but the longer we wait,

the more difficult it'll be.

Yeah, it's going to break Ritchie's little heart.

I know, I know, but we have to do it.

Yeah, I'll--

I'll tell them tonight.

No, we'll tell him together, and that way, neither of us

will be the villain.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Rob?

Hmm?

You know, he didn't eat his breakfast,

and there are feathers all over the sink.

And the way he's shaking, and--

oh, Rob, this is the way the other one acted before he died.

Well, honey, take it easy.

Oh, Rob.

Don't get excited now.

Oh, he may be-- you know, it's impossible,

but I think he's pale.

Supposed ducks ever get fevers?

No, he don't have a temperature.

Where's his pulse?

Oh, Rob, do something.

Honey, what are we going to do?

You gave the other one hot chicken soup,

it didn't do any good.

Well, take him to the vet.

To the vet?

Yes.

Rob, please, that poor bird is suffering.

All right.

Oh, come on, Stanley.

We're going to go get a physical.

[music playing]

It's a duck.

So it is.

How old is it?

Oh, three months.

Tall for his age.

My-- my wife and I are both tall-- oh, I mean,

we give him vitamin shots.

How old do you think Lulu is?

I don't know, how old?

Guess.

Well, I'm not too good at guessing ages.

Well, I'll give you a hint.

She's much older than she looks.

Come on, guess.

Oh, whisper it.

She's very self-conscious about it.

How old would you say she is?

Well, she's older than she looks, huh?

Seven.

She's four.

Duck lover.

Miss Singleton, the doctor's ready to see Lulu now.

Oh, did Dr. Schweitzer see her tests yet?

Yes, he did.

Good, I hope you don't have to wear glasses.

Glasses?

Just for eating.

She steps in her bowl.

Try to explain something to somebody who keeps a duck.

You know what amazes me?

How some people can get so wrapped up with their pets.

After all, a dog is a dog.

You're right about that.

She talked to that dog as though it were a human being.

Now you don't talk to your duck that way, do you?

No.

See, you're sensible.

Thank you.

A duck is a duck.

That's right.

A dog's a dog.

And a cat is a person.

Miss Glasset, doctor will see you now.

Now, Lillybeth, don't be afraid.

Doctor isn't going to hurt you.

He's just going to talk to you.

She thinks she's pregnant.

- Mr. Fletcher? - Yes?

VET ASSISTANT: Duke is ready. I'll bring him out in a minute.

Oh, thank you very much.

That's wonderful.

You know, it's a funny thing.

I've been over here at least a dozen times,

and every time I come, I run into a couple of these weirdos.

You know, these characters that treat their pets

as if they're people.

It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Sure is.

Tell me, how do you treat that duck?

Like a-- like a duck.

Good for you.

You know, people ought to realize they're

nothing but dumb animals.

You know, it's-- nice to have pets, and it's a lot

of fun to have them around.

But I'm not going to have my whole life

upset by some dumb animal.

Well, that makes sense.

VET ASSISTANT: All set, Mr. Fletcher.

Look at him.

Come on, baby.

Come on now.

We're going to go home.

How's he been feeling?

Is he all right now? - Yes.

That's good. Come on, boy.

Yes.

He's a wonderful friend to me because I

treat him like a kangaroo.

Come on now, we're going home to Mommy.

This is the way-- here's the door over here, Dukey boy.

He kind of likes it here.

He's been here for some time.

Come on, baby doll, we're going home now.

Well, come on, Mama's waiting for us.

Good luck with your duck!

If you'll follow me, sir.

Oh.

Say, that duck doesn't look too good, does he?

No, he doesn't, does he?

He's shaking all the time, his hair

and feathers are falling out, and he's been depressed lately.

[ominous music playing]

No, Buddy, I don't know where he is.

I thought he was at work.

Well, he took the duck to the vet hours ago.

Well, I'll call you if I hear from him.

Right, goodbye.

Come on, Rich, eat your lunch.

I'm not hungry.

Ritchie, dear, it isn't going to do any good

to worry about Stanley.

Listen, why don't you go next door and play with Freddie?

But can't I wait for Daddy to come back with him?

Well, darling, I don't know when he's coming.

Rob.

Daddy!

Where's Stanley?

Rob, where's the duck?

Well-- hold on you two.

If you'd just give me a minute, I'll tell you about Stanley.

Well, Rob, is he all right?

Where is he?

I want Stanley.

Sit down, Rich.

Rich, you know, Stanley was a very sick duck.

Oh, Rob, no.

Where is he?

Rich, Ritchie, you've heard the expression

"like a duck out of water?"

Daddy, is he dead?

No, no, Rich, he's alive.

But he's alive because now he's a duck in water.

Rich, I put Stanley in the lake.

You put Stanley in a lake!

Well, you see, Rich--

But that's not fair.

He's my duck not yours, and I want him back.

Go get him, Daddy.

I can't, Rich.

Now if you would just listen to Daddy for one minute.

No, I won't!

You gave my duck away!

ROB: Only because he can't live here anymore, Rich.

Well, if he can't, then I don't want to live here either!

Ritchie, where are you going?

To live with Stanley!

You or me?

Me.

[music playing]

Going to pack a bathing suit?

I don't need a bathing suit.

Well, I don't know.

If you're going to live with Stanley,

you'll probably spend a lot of time in the water.

He'll live with me on the shore.

He'll live with you on the shore?

Thought you said you loved Stanley.

I do.

You and Mommy don't.

We do, Rich.

I don't think you do.

I do so.

I kiss him on the head every night.

Well, Rich, that isn't all there is to love.

Then why do you kiss me on the head?

Don't you love me?

Well, of course I do, Rich.

But that isn't all there is to love.

If I just kissed you on the head,

and then did all the things that were bad for you,

now that wouldn't be love at all.

What would?

What would?

That's a pretty big question.

Rich, come here.

Sit down a minute, will you?

I'm not finished packing.

Well, you can finish packing later.

It'll just take a minute.

Come on.

Well, what-- what would be love?

Well, Rich, let's just say that one little part of love

would be that you think more of what's good for the one

you love than you think of what's good for yourself.

I think of what's good for Stanley.

I gave him my cornflakes.

Well, yeah, Rich, but we didn't

give him something that he wanted a lot more than that.

Like oatmeal cookies?

No, Rich.

His freedom.

Rich, the duck doctor said that that's why he was sick,

and maybe that's why Oliver died.

We made Oliver die?

Well, could be.

See, Rich, we were having so much fun with Oliver,

we never stopped to think that maybe he have more fun

if he was in a pond with other ducks.

But we loved him.

Well, yes, Rich, but that was a selfish love.

Maybe-- maybe we loved Oliver to death.

Can you do that?

Well, Rich, you love your goldfish, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, you wouldn't take one out of the tank,

and hug him, and kiss him, and make

him sleep on a pillow beside you just because you loved him,

would you?

No.

Well, why not?

He'd die.

That's right, Rich.

And what kind of love would that be?

Selfish love.

That's right, Rich.

And it's very selfish for us to make Stanley stay

in that kitchen sink when he'd much rather be

in the park with his friends.

Now, ducks love ducks more than they do people.

And it's right for people to love people

a lot more than they do ducks.

And Mommy and I love you much, much more

than we could ever love a duck.

And I-- I guess that's why Mom and I'd

be very, very hurt if you went away and lived with Stanley.

Daddy?

ROB: What?

Would Stanley really die if we brought him back home?

Well, Ritchie, the point is that even if he lived,

he'd be much happier where he is now.

Was he happy when you put him in the lake?

Let me tell you about that.

As soon as I put Stanley in the lake,

a big, beautiful, white duck came swimming up.

Like Oliver?

Well, yeah, kind of like Oliver.

Only I think a better name for her would be Olivia.

She kind of circled around old Stanley

a couple of times just looking him over,

and then she swam away.

Stanley just sat there floating.

I think he was trying to decide what to do.

And all of a sudden, just like that,

he started paddling those big flat feet of his,

and took off after Olivia like a jet speed boat.

Did he catch Olivia?

I'll say he did.

I don't think we had to worry much about Stanley anymore.

Daddy?

What?

Can we visit them?

Well, sure, we can visit him.

After all, we're the only close family he has in Westchester.

All right if I bring them a wedding present?

Yeah, sure it is.

What would-- what would you got in mind?

Well, how about a nice box of oatmeal cookies, and a jar

of that black jelly?

Black jelly?

Yeah, Mommy had it in the refrigerator.

It was spoiled.

It smelled like fish, but Stanley loved it.

Black jelly that smelled like fish.

No wonder Stanley enjoyed that, Ritchie.

We were saving that for a special occasion.

That was $10 worth of black caviar.

Are you mad at me?

Of course I'm not.

Sorry, Rich.

This was a very special occasion.

[music playing]

Hiya, Uncle Buddy!

Hey, hiya, sport!

Hiya, hey Laura, Rob.

Buddy, what are you doing here?

Gee, I hope you don't mind me letting myself in.

I found a key under the mat.

Well, no, not at all.

But what are you doing up here?

I had to come up, and tell you.

Sally and me have been worried about your duck

you know, being sick.

And we figured out the reason why.

It's because he's lonely.

LAURA: Yeah, we figured that out too.

You know what I did?

I took Stanley to the lake, and put him in there

with a lot of other ducks.

And boy, is he happy?

We just went up and visited him.

You mean, you don't want another duck?

No, we don't.

Sally.

I heard.

Which way is the lake?

OK, everybody, off to the lake.

[music playing]