The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 4 - Bank Book 6565696 - full transcript
While searching for a handkerchief, Rob discovers a bank book in Laura's name with a significant sum of money in the account. He eventually concludes that she is saving money to buy him a birthday present, but also realizes that she's still a little short of the sum she'll need to buy him the gift he wants.
[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Starring Dick Van Dyke.
Rosemary, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
I'll close now Mrs. Petrie.
All fixed.
Just think, at this very moment the mighty Niagara,
harnessed to giant generators, its energy
racing along 400 miles of copper wire, just to heat our toaster.
All we have to do is wait.
Don't we have to plug it in?
You'd think that 400 mile running start, it could jump
the last two feet by itself.
Well, be any minute now, honey.
You don't worry about buying a new toaster.
Good.
Now, what color do you like your toast?
Honey gold or maybe cocoa tan?
How about cordovan brown.
Rob, look.
Rob!
That's a nice shade.
Basic black.
If you hadn't made me plug it in,
this would never have happened.
Well, dear, I'll leave you to work it out by yourself.
I'm going shopping.
[doorbell]
Oh, hi, Laura.
Hi, Jerry.
Hi, Rob.
Hi, Jer.
She burned the toast.
Just returning your projector.
Oh, how did it work?
Well, not so good, there's something wrong with it.
It overheats and the film smokes and burns.
It overheats the film?
I'll have to fix it.
Sounds like you already did.
If Thomas Edison was married to her,
we'd still be using candles.
Rob, when are you going to get a new projector?
Just as soon as I can afford one.
When are you going to get one?
[inaudible] borrow yours until you get a new one.
Why don't you borrow a toaster?
Oh, darling, looks like I'll need an extra $20.
I'm not-- what did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?
I gave every to a little old tramp who came to the back door
delivering our groceries.
Why do you ask me what I did the money you gave me yesterday?
It was just for Jerry's benefit.
I don't want him to think I'm a pushover.
Hurt my image.
Wouldn't want to do that.
Bye, darling. - Bye.
Bye, Jerry.
JERRY: Bye, Laura.
You know something?
She is good with money.
When it comes to finances, she's a pretty good--
ah-- ah--ah--
Oh, here, Rob, here.
Ah-- I can't use that, it's monogrammed.
I can't blow on your family crest.
Hey, hey!
Oh, sorry, Jerry.
Oh, I can't-- ah--
ah-- ah!
Ah-- ah-- ah-choo!
I almost made it.
You all right?
It was just a sneeze.
It must have been a beaut to blow
off your socks and underwear.
Oh here, let me help you, Rob.
Oh.
Hey, what's this?
One of the Laura's gloves.
Don't you think she going a little heavy on the starch.
What's inside?
I don't know, but it's not a human hand.
I mean at least, not life as we know it now.
Must be something that Laura's hiding, huh?
Come on, Laura is not a hider.
Hey, it's a bankbook.
Mrs. Laura Petrie.
Isn't that cute, she's got a little nest egg of her own.
Cute.
You really think that's cute, huh?
So she has a few dollars in a little private bank account.
How much could it be?
OK, OK, how much.
Well, you've got to look, it can't be more
than just a little pittance.
$378.
A little pittance.
So she has a big pittance.
Pittance.
Maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
$378?
Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
Now a lot of wives put aside little for a rainy day.
What's wrong with that?
Well, nothing.
But why is the money just in her name?
I mean, listen, if it rains, doesn't she
care if you get wet?
All we need now is a brilliant, sensational,
hilarious comedy sketch.
Are you ready?
I told you he was here.
You know what would be a cute idea for a sketch?
Allen plays a part of a husband who accidentally
finds his wife's checkbook.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, she's got a private bank account
she's socking money into.
Oh, and he don't know anything about it.
Yeah, and she's got like $378.16 in there.
Hey, a sketch like this could be a wild.
Guy like that got to be an idiot.
Yeah, a real schnook.
Well, no.
Why couldn't the guy just be a plain, normal,
intelligent, strikingly handsome young fellow
with a wife named Laura.
Oh, and maybe the schnooks name is Robert Petrie?
That's a good name.
Rob, you mean Laura's been stashing
it away without your knowledge?
Isn't that cute?
Yes.
Cute and adorable.
I don't know.
But women do silly things like that.
For years my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar.
Drove me nuts.
Finally I found out what she was saving for.
What was it?
BOTH: Cookies.
She didn't save any $378, though.
What do you think Laura is stashing away for?
I don't know.
It could be cookies.
Everything's gone up.
Well, anyway, it's her business.
It's not really important.
I think in the sketch, Alan--
Wait a minute.
Maybe it's just plain old mad money.
- Mad money? - Yeah, you know.
In case she gets mad at you, then she can take the money,
get a new house, buy a new car, get a new fella.
For $378?
So she'll get an old fellow.
You know, you guys are joking, but
there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
You mean the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
No, that doesn't bother me.
It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me.
That bothers me.
Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother you?
No, I don't worry about things like that.
If I were you I'd worry about my hearing, friend.
Huh?
Rob, snap out of it.
You're beginning to sound like a guy who's
wife's ready to leave him.
Oh, come on.
I'm not worried.
It's just, I can't figure out why she's keeping
the account secret from me.
Well, she's kept secrets from you before, hasn't she?
No, this is the first one.
You mean the first one you found out about.
Come on, what are you trying to do?
Break up Rob and Laura?
It's more fun than writing this sketch.
You know, she probably has a good reason for keeping
that secret from me, though.
Hey, have you said or done anything lately
to make her feel insecure?
Like what?
Well, I don't know.
Like forgetting an anniversary or birthday or something?
Oh, no, as a matter of fact, I bought
her a beautiful present for--
my birthday.
You bought her a present for your birthday?
Boy, I bet she loved that.
No, tomorrow is my birthday.
BOTH: Oh.
We get the hint, Rob.
Yeah, we'll get you something, Rob.
She's probably been saving that money to buy me a present.
$378?
Boy, that's a lot of present.
Hey, you've been hinting around for something big?
No, nothing I can think of.
Wait a minute.
I bet she's going to get me that movie projector
I've been spouting off about.
But it cost $425.
Well, that's it.
That solves your problem.
Yeah, now the only one with the problem is Laura.
Let's see, she needs $425, she has $378.
That means she needs--
what does she need?
$47.
Oh, yeah, $47.
Tell you something, Rob, if she's anything like my wife,
she'll figure out a way to get that money.
[buzzer]
Yeah, Marge.
Yes, send her in.
Laura's here.
I told you.
Already she figured out a way how to get that loot.
Hi, everyone.
Oh hi, Laura, nice to see you.
Thank you, nice to see you.
Well, we'll leave you two alone in case
you want to kiss or something like that.
Let's get a cup of coffee.
No, I want to stay.
I never saw a real hold up before.
See you later.
Be back in a few dollars.
Bye.
Back in a few dollars?
What does that mean?
He means that time is money.
- Oh. - You came clear downtown.
I was just in the neighborhood shopping,
I thought I'd come in and say hello.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Honey, you know, I've been thinking.
I didn't give you very much extra money this morning.
And you know when I left, I noticed that you ought
to have the toaster fixed. You think so?
Good idea.
OK.
And, oh, you know, Richie's underwear
has been ragged lately.
I've been meaning to get him some new shorts.
Oh, good. Good.
Oh, and we were out of peanut butter this morning.
Would you get some more peanut butter?
- Yes, I would. - OK.
Let's see, that's underwear, peanut butter,
and the toaster-- do you think that would come to,
oh, I don't know, around say $47?
$47?
Yeah.
I tell you what.
I'll put in an extra $10 you get the leather case, too.
Can't carry peanut butter and underwear around
in a plain paper bag, can you?
Darling, what makes you so generous today?
Oh, well, the way I look at it, the more you give,
the more you receive.
I guess so, dear.
Well, I better finish my shopping.
Bye-bye.
Oops.
No, no, I'm just leaving. Bye darling.
- Bye. - Bye, Laura.
- Bye-bye. - Happy shopping.
Thank you.
Well, Rob?
New projector.
Hi, honey.
Darling.
You're home early.
Well, I had a good day.
How'd your day go? - Just fine.
Kind of tired, though.
Shopping does wear you out.
Yeah, but I guess the important thing is
getting what you wanted, right?
Right.
Did you get the peanut butter and the underwear
and et cetera?
Uh-huh.
Dinners on a bit early, if that's all right.
Oh, yeah, fine.
I'll hang up my hat.
Oh boy, you got a lot of mail today.
That one's my brother.
Yes.
What's for dinner?
Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and string beans.
Mm.
Roast chicken, huh?
And apple pie for dessert.
Oh.
Everything sure smells good.
LAURA: What did you say, darling?
I said everything sure smells wonderful, all right.
It smells so good I can smell it down here.
Rob, what are you looking for?
Oh, I--
I dropped my tie clip down there.
I can't find it.
You need any help, honey?
No, no. You hungry?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, we'll be ready in a few minutes.
OK.
Rob?
Hi.
Still looking for your tie clip?
Yeah, I-- it could have bounced.
They got those rubber mats under the carpet, like that.
Wasn't up there.
No.
Darling, you can stop looking.
Your birthday's tomorrow, and you're not
getting your present till then.
My birthday?
You hadn't mentioned that, I would
have completely forgotten it.
Anyway, I guess I'm a little old to be celebrating birthdays,
anyway, right?
Hi, Daddy!
Oh, hi Rich.
It's not in there, either.
I know that.
I'm just kidding your mama.
Rob, really.
Look, before you turn the whole house upside down,
I'll give you your present ahead of time.
Well, gee, I was born right after midnight, anyway, honey.
It's practically today.
Richie, why don't you get your present, too?
RICHIE: OK, Mommy.
[doorbell]
- Oh, hi, Rob. - Hi, Jerry.
Say, can I borrow your projector again?
Sure.
When do you need it back?
You may keep it, sir.
I'll make a present of it to you.
Well, thanks, but how come?
I'm getting a new one for my birthday, now get out of here.
Why, what's the rush?
I am in the middle of being surprised.
OK. Happy birthday.
Thank you.
(SINGING) You ought to be a picture,
you're beautiful to see.
You ought to be a picture.
My starry, starry.
Happy birthday, Dad!
Oh, thank you, Rich.
It cost me a fortune.
I'll bet it did.
It's very sweet of you, Rich.
That's OK, Daddy.
You're worth $0.89.
What is this?
Oh, boy.
A baseball cap.
It's almost my size.
My size.
It is?
OK, let's see.
Well, good, maybe you can wear it once in a while, too.
Huh?
Gee, thanks, Daddy.
Darling, what are you doing with the cord?
Oh, this cord?
Yes.
Well--
Rob, what did you think I was giving you?
A electric blanket?
It's a cashmere sports shirt.
Oh.
It's not electric, huh?
No.
It's one of the old fashioned kind.
I won't need that anymore, I guess.
Happy birthday, darling.
Oh, honey, thanks.
Gee, this is really sweet of you.
Well, is it a surprise?
Why, it sure is, honey.
Hey.
Honey, I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
Jerry wants to see me.
LAURA: What's up?
I mean, I got to get my old sports shirt back.
No, he wants to see my new one.
He wants to see the new one.
Gee, I'm so excited, I don't know what I'm saying.
Oh boy, a new cashier projector.
Sports shirt.
Hey Rob's gonna love this boy.
Buddy, set it up over there.
He'll be here any minute. [buzzer]
I'll get it.
Good.
Hello?
Yeah, OK, Marge, thanks.
He's here.
Well, I think when a fellow comes in he
should give Alan a funny hat.
Hi, fellas.
And, hi, Rob.
Yeah, it's good.
And you see--
BOTH: Happy birthday!
Ta-da!
Hey, what is this?
A little something for a birthday
present, from me and Sally.
Oh.
Boy, a movie screen?
No, it's a pair of Hungarian shoelaces.
Of course it's a movie screen.
Yeah, Rob, it's a new one to go with your new projector.
Yeah, boy.
That's-- that's really great.
It's got kind of a set, you know.
Like it?
Yeah, I love it.
It's marvelous.
It sure is a beauty.
You shouldn't have done it.
I have to take it home with me.
Well, we better get down to work, fellas.
Hey, beauty isn't it?
Yeah, love it.
Could take the price tag off.
I ain't ashamed.
We paid retail.
Rob, did you act real surprised when
Laura gave you the projector?
Well, see, she didn't give me a projector.
She didn't?
No.
She gave me something that she liked a lot more than that.
SALLY: What?
A sport shirt.
A $378 sport shirt?
Well, this was cashmere.
Well.
Look, fellas, can we go to work?
Come on, stop clowning, Rob.
I know Laura.
She got you something more than a sport shirt.
Yeah, what else that you get, Rob?
A baseball cap.
A baseball cap, well, that's more like it.
Richard gave it to me.
Jeez, $378, you'd think with all that dough--
yeah, we better get to work.
Let's go back to-- listen, Rob, the top of the show,
Allan comes in--
I can't work.
Doggone bank accounts going to drive me crazy.
That's it.
What's it?
She wants to drive you crazy, so she can grab all your money
while you're weaving baskets.
Rob, I think buddy was right in the first place.
Could be good old fashioned mad money.
It must be mad money, because that money is making me mad.
Sorry.
Well, it's not the money in the first place.
It's just the fact she's keeping it a secret from me.
Well, it's her money, and it's her secret,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
No?
One can take that bankbook no 656-5696,
wave it under her little nose and ask
her why she thinks she has to have a private bank account.
- Aw, you wouldn't do that. - Oh, no?
Would you like to come home with me and watch?
No, thanks.
My wife and I are planning our own fight.
Rob, why are you pacing around like a caged Tiger?
Let me pace a couple more times and I'll tell you.
All right, what is this?
That's my glove, and what are you doing with it?
I would just like to know why you think it necessary to hide
a bankbook in here?
Rob, how could you?
You looked in my private glove!
This is my own personal property, and you've gone
and-- how could you do such a terrible thing?
How can I?
How can you think so little of our relationship?
Of me?
What has this got to do with that?
I would like to know why you think you have to have
your own private bank account?
Because I do, that's why.
All right, then, the next logical question
is, what is wrong with the money in our joint account?
Well, that's our account, and our money.
This is my money.
Your money?
Yes, Rob, I want some money that's mine.
To spend on anything I want.
It's important to me.
I don't want everything coming from you.
And where did you get this money?
From you.
Well, isn't it all the same thing, then?
Either you get money from me, or you get money
from that, which came from me.
No, Rob, it's completely different.
I put this money in a little at a time.
At first it's from you, but then after it lies around
for a while, I forget that it came from you,
and then it's from me.
Oh, you just don't understand.
Oh, yes, I understand.
You want some money of your own.
What I don't understand is why?
That's it.
That's exactly it.
What's it?
(VOICE BREAKING) You just don't understand.
Oh, boy.
Honey, look, I want to understand,
but you've got to help me a little bit.
Just give me a hint.
[sobbing]
The first word.
The first letter.
Honey, please.
All right, I'll tell you.
And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you
just ruined everything.
That money is for you.
But, for me?
I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.
Well, you-- you already bought me something for my birthday.
Don't tell me that shirt cost--
No, this money isn't for now, it's for two or three
or four years from now.
Whatever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports
car you've been drooling over.
A sports car?
Yes, that silly SKG-JFK 400 roadster.
With matching luggage.
Honey.
Honey, you mean you've been saving
this to buy me in SKG-JFK 400?
I wanted to buy you an important present.
An important-- well.
Honey.
Honey, it is a wonderful thought,
but it's a little bit crazy.
Where did you ever get an idea like that?
From my mother.
Your mother?
She saved for years, and then on their 25th wedding
anniversary she bought my father a big important present.
What did she get him?
His own room.
His own room?
Well, I mean a den.
With a pool table and a beer dispenser, and now
you've ruined it.
Oh, honey, no, I haven't ruined it.
Look, all I've done is force you to tell me
something that makes me very, very
happy that I'm married to you.
As a matter of fact, now that I know,
it's going to be a lot easier for you.
How?
Well, from now on, when you ask me for extra money,
I'm gonna be a pretty soft touch.
[sobbing]
Honey, what's the matter?
You're laughing at me!
Look, honey, look, I'm not laughing at you.
Now, the only reason I'm being frivolous is
because I'm so touched and embarrassed by the whole thing,
and if I didn't joke about it, I'd--
You'd what?
I'd probably put my arms around you
and hug you so hard I'd break two or three of your ribs.
Oh, please, try.
Honey, you know, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
and I think it's a wonderful idea,
but we got to look at the thing practically.
It's going to take you 20 years to save
enough money for that car.
Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?
No.
No.
You know what we ought to do?
What?
I think we ought to sell the house
and get the car right away.
Well, what's the rush?
Well, I know when I get the car,
I intend asking you to take a trip with me,
and I'd like to do it when I'm still young.
What's the matter, darling.
Don't you think I'd accept an invitation
from a gray haired old gentleman?
Well, sure you would, but who wants
to roll around the country in a hot sports car with a gray
haired old lady?
Night, darling.
Good night.
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
The Dick Van Dyke Show.
Starring Dick Van Dyke.
Rosemary, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
I'll close now Mrs. Petrie.
All fixed.
Just think, at this very moment the mighty Niagara,
harnessed to giant generators, its energy
racing along 400 miles of copper wire, just to heat our toaster.
All we have to do is wait.
Don't we have to plug it in?
You'd think that 400 mile running start, it could jump
the last two feet by itself.
Well, be any minute now, honey.
You don't worry about buying a new toaster.
Good.
Now, what color do you like your toast?
Honey gold or maybe cocoa tan?
How about cordovan brown.
Rob, look.
Rob!
That's a nice shade.
Basic black.
If you hadn't made me plug it in,
this would never have happened.
Well, dear, I'll leave you to work it out by yourself.
I'm going shopping.
[doorbell]
Oh, hi, Laura.
Hi, Jerry.
Hi, Rob.
Hi, Jer.
She burned the toast.
Just returning your projector.
Oh, how did it work?
Well, not so good, there's something wrong with it.
It overheats and the film smokes and burns.
It overheats the film?
I'll have to fix it.
Sounds like you already did.
If Thomas Edison was married to her,
we'd still be using candles.
Rob, when are you going to get a new projector?
Just as soon as I can afford one.
When are you going to get one?
[inaudible] borrow yours until you get a new one.
Why don't you borrow a toaster?
Oh, darling, looks like I'll need an extra $20.
I'm not-- what did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?
I gave every to a little old tramp who came to the back door
delivering our groceries.
Why do you ask me what I did the money you gave me yesterday?
It was just for Jerry's benefit.
I don't want him to think I'm a pushover.
Hurt my image.
Wouldn't want to do that.
Bye, darling. - Bye.
Bye, Jerry.
JERRY: Bye, Laura.
You know something?
She is good with money.
When it comes to finances, she's a pretty good--
ah-- ah--ah--
Oh, here, Rob, here.
Ah-- I can't use that, it's monogrammed.
I can't blow on your family crest.
Hey, hey!
Oh, sorry, Jerry.
Oh, I can't-- ah--
ah-- ah!
Ah-- ah-- ah-choo!
I almost made it.
You all right?
It was just a sneeze.
It must have been a beaut to blow
off your socks and underwear.
Oh here, let me help you, Rob.
Oh.
Hey, what's this?
One of the Laura's gloves.
Don't you think she going a little heavy on the starch.
What's inside?
I don't know, but it's not a human hand.
I mean at least, not life as we know it now.
Must be something that Laura's hiding, huh?
Come on, Laura is not a hider.
Hey, it's a bankbook.
Mrs. Laura Petrie.
Isn't that cute, she's got a little nest egg of her own.
Cute.
You really think that's cute, huh?
So she has a few dollars in a little private bank account.
How much could it be?
OK, OK, how much.
Well, you've got to look, it can't be more
than just a little pittance.
$378.
A little pittance.
So she has a big pittance.
Pittance.
Maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.
$378?
Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.
Now a lot of wives put aside little for a rainy day.
What's wrong with that?
Well, nothing.
But why is the money just in her name?
I mean, listen, if it rains, doesn't she
care if you get wet?
All we need now is a brilliant, sensational,
hilarious comedy sketch.
Are you ready?
I told you he was here.
You know what would be a cute idea for a sketch?
Allen plays a part of a husband who accidentally
finds his wife's checkbook.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, she's got a private bank account
she's socking money into.
Oh, and he don't know anything about it.
Yeah, and she's got like $378.16 in there.
Hey, a sketch like this could be a wild.
Guy like that got to be an idiot.
Yeah, a real schnook.
Well, no.
Why couldn't the guy just be a plain, normal,
intelligent, strikingly handsome young fellow
with a wife named Laura.
Oh, and maybe the schnooks name is Robert Petrie?
That's a good name.
Rob, you mean Laura's been stashing
it away without your knowledge?
Isn't that cute?
Yes.
Cute and adorable.
I don't know.
But women do silly things like that.
For years my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar.
Drove me nuts.
Finally I found out what she was saving for.
What was it?
BOTH: Cookies.
She didn't save any $378, though.
What do you think Laura is stashing away for?
I don't know.
It could be cookies.
Everything's gone up.
Well, anyway, it's her business.
It's not really important.
I think in the sketch, Alan--
Wait a minute.
Maybe it's just plain old mad money.
- Mad money? - Yeah, you know.
In case she gets mad at you, then she can take the money,
get a new house, buy a new car, get a new fella.
For $378?
So she'll get an old fellow.
You know, you guys are joking, but
there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.
You mean the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?
No, that doesn't bother me.
It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me.
That bothers me.
Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother you?
No, I don't worry about things like that.
If I were you I'd worry about my hearing, friend.
Huh?
Rob, snap out of it.
You're beginning to sound like a guy who's
wife's ready to leave him.
Oh, come on.
I'm not worried.
It's just, I can't figure out why she's keeping
the account secret from me.
Well, she's kept secrets from you before, hasn't she?
No, this is the first one.
You mean the first one you found out about.
Come on, what are you trying to do?
Break up Rob and Laura?
It's more fun than writing this sketch.
You know, she probably has a good reason for keeping
that secret from me, though.
Hey, have you said or done anything lately
to make her feel insecure?
Like what?
Well, I don't know.
Like forgetting an anniversary or birthday or something?
Oh, no, as a matter of fact, I bought
her a beautiful present for--
my birthday.
You bought her a present for your birthday?
Boy, I bet she loved that.
No, tomorrow is my birthday.
BOTH: Oh.
We get the hint, Rob.
Yeah, we'll get you something, Rob.
She's probably been saving that money to buy me a present.
$378?
Boy, that's a lot of present.
Hey, you've been hinting around for something big?
No, nothing I can think of.
Wait a minute.
I bet she's going to get me that movie projector
I've been spouting off about.
But it cost $425.
Well, that's it.
That solves your problem.
Yeah, now the only one with the problem is Laura.
Let's see, she needs $425, she has $378.
That means she needs--
what does she need?
$47.
Oh, yeah, $47.
Tell you something, Rob, if she's anything like my wife,
she'll figure out a way to get that money.
[buzzer]
Yeah, Marge.
Yes, send her in.
Laura's here.
I told you.
Already she figured out a way how to get that loot.
Hi, everyone.
Oh hi, Laura, nice to see you.
Thank you, nice to see you.
Well, we'll leave you two alone in case
you want to kiss or something like that.
Let's get a cup of coffee.
No, I want to stay.
I never saw a real hold up before.
See you later.
Be back in a few dollars.
Bye.
Back in a few dollars?
What does that mean?
He means that time is money.
- Oh. - You came clear downtown.
I was just in the neighborhood shopping,
I thought I'd come in and say hello.
Oh, hello.
Hello.
Honey, you know, I've been thinking.
I didn't give you very much extra money this morning.
And you know when I left, I noticed that you ought
to have the toaster fixed. You think so?
Good idea.
OK.
And, oh, you know, Richie's underwear
has been ragged lately.
I've been meaning to get him some new shorts.
Oh, good. Good.
Oh, and we were out of peanut butter this morning.
Would you get some more peanut butter?
- Yes, I would. - OK.
Let's see, that's underwear, peanut butter,
and the toaster-- do you think that would come to,
oh, I don't know, around say $47?
$47?
Yeah.
I tell you what.
I'll put in an extra $10 you get the leather case, too.
Can't carry peanut butter and underwear around
in a plain paper bag, can you?
Darling, what makes you so generous today?
Oh, well, the way I look at it, the more you give,
the more you receive.
I guess so, dear.
Well, I better finish my shopping.
Bye-bye.
Oops.
No, no, I'm just leaving. Bye darling.
- Bye. - Bye, Laura.
- Bye-bye. - Happy shopping.
Thank you.
Well, Rob?
New projector.
Hi, honey.
Darling.
You're home early.
Well, I had a good day.
How'd your day go? - Just fine.
Kind of tired, though.
Shopping does wear you out.
Yeah, but I guess the important thing is
getting what you wanted, right?
Right.
Did you get the peanut butter and the underwear
and et cetera?
Uh-huh.
Dinners on a bit early, if that's all right.
Oh, yeah, fine.
I'll hang up my hat.
Oh boy, you got a lot of mail today.
That one's my brother.
Yes.
What's for dinner?
Roast chicken, mashed potatoes, and string beans.
Mm.
Roast chicken, huh?
And apple pie for dessert.
Oh.
Everything sure smells good.
LAURA: What did you say, darling?
I said everything sure smells wonderful, all right.
It smells so good I can smell it down here.
Rob, what are you looking for?
Oh, I--
I dropped my tie clip down there.
I can't find it.
You need any help, honey?
No, no. You hungry?
Oh, sure, sure.
Well, we'll be ready in a few minutes.
OK.
Rob?
Hi.
Still looking for your tie clip?
Yeah, I-- it could have bounced.
They got those rubber mats under the carpet, like that.
Wasn't up there.
No.
Darling, you can stop looking.
Your birthday's tomorrow, and you're not
getting your present till then.
My birthday?
You hadn't mentioned that, I would
have completely forgotten it.
Anyway, I guess I'm a little old to be celebrating birthdays,
anyway, right?
Hi, Daddy!
Oh, hi Rich.
It's not in there, either.
I know that.
I'm just kidding your mama.
Rob, really.
Look, before you turn the whole house upside down,
I'll give you your present ahead of time.
Well, gee, I was born right after midnight, anyway, honey.
It's practically today.
Richie, why don't you get your present, too?
RICHIE: OK, Mommy.
[doorbell]
- Oh, hi, Rob. - Hi, Jerry.
Say, can I borrow your projector again?
Sure.
When do you need it back?
You may keep it, sir.
I'll make a present of it to you.
Well, thanks, but how come?
I'm getting a new one for my birthday, now get out of here.
Why, what's the rush?
I am in the middle of being surprised.
OK. Happy birthday.
Thank you.
(SINGING) You ought to be a picture,
you're beautiful to see.
You ought to be a picture.
My starry, starry.
Happy birthday, Dad!
Oh, thank you, Rich.
It cost me a fortune.
I'll bet it did.
It's very sweet of you, Rich.
That's OK, Daddy.
You're worth $0.89.
What is this?
Oh, boy.
A baseball cap.
It's almost my size.
My size.
It is?
OK, let's see.
Well, good, maybe you can wear it once in a while, too.
Huh?
Gee, thanks, Daddy.
Darling, what are you doing with the cord?
Oh, this cord?
Yes.
Well--
Rob, what did you think I was giving you?
A electric blanket?
It's a cashmere sports shirt.
Oh.
It's not electric, huh?
No.
It's one of the old fashioned kind.
I won't need that anymore, I guess.
Happy birthday, darling.
Oh, honey, thanks.
Gee, this is really sweet of you.
Well, is it a surprise?
Why, it sure is, honey.
Hey.
Honey, I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
Jerry wants to see me.
LAURA: What's up?
I mean, I got to get my old sports shirt back.
No, he wants to see my new one.
He wants to see the new one.
Gee, I'm so excited, I don't know what I'm saying.
Oh boy, a new cashier projector.
Sports shirt.
Hey Rob's gonna love this boy.
Buddy, set it up over there.
He'll be here any minute. [buzzer]
I'll get it.
Good.
Hello?
Yeah, OK, Marge, thanks.
He's here.
Well, I think when a fellow comes in he
should give Alan a funny hat.
Hi, fellas.
And, hi, Rob.
Yeah, it's good.
And you see--
BOTH: Happy birthday!
Ta-da!
Hey, what is this?
A little something for a birthday
present, from me and Sally.
Oh.
Boy, a movie screen?
No, it's a pair of Hungarian shoelaces.
Of course it's a movie screen.
Yeah, Rob, it's a new one to go with your new projector.
Yeah, boy.
That's-- that's really great.
It's got kind of a set, you know.
Like it?
Yeah, I love it.
It's marvelous.
It sure is a beauty.
You shouldn't have done it.
I have to take it home with me.
Well, we better get down to work, fellas.
Hey, beauty isn't it?
Yeah, love it.
Could take the price tag off.
I ain't ashamed.
We paid retail.
Rob, did you act real surprised when
Laura gave you the projector?
Well, see, she didn't give me a projector.
She didn't?
No.
She gave me something that she liked a lot more than that.
SALLY: What?
A sport shirt.
A $378 sport shirt?
Well, this was cashmere.
Well.
Look, fellas, can we go to work?
Come on, stop clowning, Rob.
I know Laura.
She got you something more than a sport shirt.
Yeah, what else that you get, Rob?
A baseball cap.
A baseball cap, well, that's more like it.
Richard gave it to me.
Jeez, $378, you'd think with all that dough--
yeah, we better get to work.
Let's go back to-- listen, Rob, the top of the show,
Allan comes in--
I can't work.
Doggone bank accounts going to drive me crazy.
That's it.
What's it?
She wants to drive you crazy, so she can grab all your money
while you're weaving baskets.
Rob, I think buddy was right in the first place.
Could be good old fashioned mad money.
It must be mad money, because that money is making me mad.
Sorry.
Well, it's not the money in the first place.
It's just the fact she's keeping it a secret from me.
Well, it's her money, and it's her secret,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
No?
One can take that bankbook no 656-5696,
wave it under her little nose and ask
her why she thinks she has to have a private bank account.
- Aw, you wouldn't do that. - Oh, no?
Would you like to come home with me and watch?
No, thanks.
My wife and I are planning our own fight.
Rob, why are you pacing around like a caged Tiger?
Let me pace a couple more times and I'll tell you.
All right, what is this?
That's my glove, and what are you doing with it?
I would just like to know why you think it necessary to hide
a bankbook in here?
Rob, how could you?
You looked in my private glove!
This is my own personal property, and you've gone
and-- how could you do such a terrible thing?
How can I?
How can you think so little of our relationship?
Of me?
What has this got to do with that?
I would like to know why you think you have to have
your own private bank account?
Because I do, that's why.
All right, then, the next logical question
is, what is wrong with the money in our joint account?
Well, that's our account, and our money.
This is my money.
Your money?
Yes, Rob, I want some money that's mine.
To spend on anything I want.
It's important to me.
I don't want everything coming from you.
And where did you get this money?
From you.
Well, isn't it all the same thing, then?
Either you get money from me, or you get money
from that, which came from me.
No, Rob, it's completely different.
I put this money in a little at a time.
At first it's from you, but then after it lies around
for a while, I forget that it came from you,
and then it's from me.
Oh, you just don't understand.
Oh, yes, I understand.
You want some money of your own.
What I don't understand is why?
That's it.
That's exactly it.
What's it?
(VOICE BREAKING) You just don't understand.
Oh, boy.
Honey, look, I want to understand,
but you've got to help me a little bit.
Just give me a hint.
[sobbing]
The first word.
The first letter.
Honey, please.
All right, I'll tell you.
And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you
just ruined everything.
That money is for you.
But, for me?
I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.
Well, you-- you already bought me something for my birthday.
Don't tell me that shirt cost--
No, this money isn't for now, it's for two or three
or four years from now.
Whatever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports
car you've been drooling over.
A sports car?
Yes, that silly SKG-JFK 400 roadster.
With matching luggage.
Honey.
Honey, you mean you've been saving
this to buy me in SKG-JFK 400?
I wanted to buy you an important present.
An important-- well.
Honey.
Honey, it is a wonderful thought,
but it's a little bit crazy.
Where did you ever get an idea like that?
From my mother.
Your mother?
She saved for years, and then on their 25th wedding
anniversary she bought my father a big important present.
What did she get him?
His own room.
His own room?
Well, I mean a den.
With a pool table and a beer dispenser, and now
you've ruined it.
Oh, honey, no, I haven't ruined it.
Look, all I've done is force you to tell me
something that makes me very, very
happy that I'm married to you.
As a matter of fact, now that I know,
it's going to be a lot easier for you.
How?
Well, from now on, when you ask me for extra money,
I'm gonna be a pretty soft touch.
[sobbing]
Honey, what's the matter?
You're laughing at me!
Look, honey, look, I'm not laughing at you.
Now, the only reason I'm being frivolous is
because I'm so touched and embarrassed by the whole thing,
and if I didn't joke about it, I'd--
You'd what?
I'd probably put my arms around you
and hug you so hard I'd break two or three of your ribs.
Oh, please, try.
Honey, you know, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
and I think it's a wonderful idea,
but we got to look at the thing practically.
It's going to take you 20 years to save
enough money for that car.
Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?
No.
No.
You know what we ought to do?
What?
I think we ought to sell the house
and get the car right away.
Well, what's the rush?
Well, I know when I get the car,
I intend asking you to take a trip with me,
and I'd like to do it when I'm still young.
What's the matter, darling.
Don't you think I'd accept an invitation
from a gray haired old gentleman?
Well, sure you would, but who wants
to roll around the country in a hot sports car with a gray
haired old lady?
Night, darling.
Good night.
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]