The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 17 - Will You Two Be My Wife? - full transcript
Having seen Rob hide something in his desk, nosy Sally and Buddy eventually discover it's a manuscript of what looks like his memoirs. Although feeling guilty reading it, they do so anyway and enjoy a story (seen in flashback) about the time Rob was at Camp Crowder getting ready for his wedding to Laura. In preparation, Rob asked his captain if he could have two three-day passes, one for the honeymoon and one to go back to his hometown of Danville, Illinois, to tell his old girlfriend - the sexy and amorous Dorothy to whom he was pre-engaged and who he's known since they were both in the fourth grade - that he was marrying someone else. As his captain would only issue one three-day pass, Rob had to decide which of the two events was going to happen and see how Laura and Dorothy would react to what he had to tell them. Sally and Buddy love what they read but are less thrilled that the story, as typed, is incomplete, leaving them wondering how to find out the rest of the tale without letting Rob know they snooped through his desk?
[MUSIC - THEME "ThE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]
The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
Rosemary Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
[approaching voices]
Hi, Rob.
Morning.
Hi, fellas.
Fellas.
He said it again.
He said fellas.
Well, I'm sorry, Sally.
You're always talking about how you like to be
treated like one of the guys.
Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit.
Fellas.
I'm sorry, Sal.
Look, Rob, just for once make believe I'm a girl.
We'll do our best, Fred.
Look, I know I'm doing a man's job, but I am a lady.
And I should like to say one thing.
If you gentlemen called me fella once more
I'm going to belt you one.
We'll try, Sal.
Yeah, boy, I know how hard you hit.
OK, come on.
Let's get some work done around this office for a change.
Hey, you know something, we're out of carbon paper.
Oh, I'll get some.
Not today, Sal.
Allow me, your ladyship.
Agile, isn't he?
Hey, Sally.
Yeah, Bud?
Did I imagine it, or did Rob throw
something in that top drawer just as we came in?
Like he didn't want us to see what it was?
Yeah, something like that.
I don't think you imagined it.
That's what I thought.
Buddy, you got a match.
No, but there might be some in the desk there.
Good idea, try the top drawer.
Right.
I'll take a look.
Did you find any?
Any what?
Matches.
Hey, this is interesting.
What?
[phone ringing]
Come in.
[phone ringing]
Answer the phone.
Hello?
Oh.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Fine.
What was that?
That's Rob.
He's in Allen's office working on a new monologue with him.
They've been there about a half hour.
He says for us to try and come up with some new ideas.
They've been there a half hour?
Yeah.
You got an idea?
Yeah, but I don't know how good it is.
It's a terrible idea.
You're right.
We shouldn't do it.
That's right, we shouldn't.
Open the drawer, you're wasting time.
Gee, this is awfully good.
What do you think it's for?
Well, isn't it obvious?
Rob's writing his memoirs.
You mean it's going to be made up into a book?
If someone publishes it.
Buddy, I-- I don't feel right about this.
This is like reading Rob's diary.
You said it's going to be a book.
Everybody will read it.
But maybe we ought to wait till he publishes it.
Why?
Gee wiz.
Hey, I just remembered.
A couple of weeks ago Rob said to me
that he had something he was writing he wanted me to read.
Really?
Honest.
She said yes, a hesitant, frightened, yes but a yes.
Did she hear the question correctly?
It had been fairly well mangled.
Let me read by myself.
ROB VOICEOVER: There was no mistake.
She had said yes.
I had expected a no, and frankly, would have preferred
an, I'd like to think about it.
But now I was stuck.
How could I talk my captain into giving me two three-day passes?
Why do you need two three-day passes?
Well, sir Captain, I'm getting married next week
and my girl, she's dancing over to the USO show, and I--
well, she's a girl.
Well, you know how girls are, sir.
She wants a honeymoon.
Well, I'm giving you a three day pass for that.
Why do you want another one?
Sir, I have to go back to Danville, Illinois
to tell my other fiancee that I can't marry her too.
Oh.
I see.
You want to get rid of the girl back home.
Well, no, no, sir.
Not exactly.
She said-- well, yeah, more or less.
I'm sorry, Petri, one three day pass is it.
But-- but sir--
And you can either use it for your honeymoon,
or you can go back to Danville and do the manly thing.
Now it's your choice.
Well, sir, I don't know what to do.
I know what I'd do.
I'd tell that girl back home.
Oh, sir, would you?
It would mean so much more coming from a Captain.
Sergeant!
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
I'll do it.
Yes, sir.
Thank you anyway, sir.
Danville, Illinois.
ROB VOICEOVER: The cold beads of perspiration standing out
of my forehead, I wandered around the rec-hall
where Laura was rehearsing for the USO show.
I tried to get up enough courage to tell
her our honeymoon might have to be postponed a few years.
I had three courses open to me.
I could tell Laura that instead of taking her on a honeymoon,
I was going to Danville by myself
to tell my hometown fiancee I was marrying another girl.
Or Laura and I can go to Danville on our honeymoon,
and while we were there, I could have Laura tell her.
Or I could go to the rifle range and stand in front of a target.
While mulling these grim alternatives,
I took two or three more turns around the rec-hall.
Meanwhile, Laura's best friend Millie Crumbermacher
wasn't helping me at all.
Laura?
Huh?
I know what the surprise is.
What surprise?
The one Rob's coming over to tell you about.
Rob's coming over with a surprise?
- Yeah. - How do you know?
Well, never mind.
Well, don't you dare tell me what it is.
If it's a surprise, I want Rob to tell me.
What is it?
No!
OK, I won't, but it's going to make you so happy.
I don't think I could be any happier.
What is it?
No, Millie, don't you dare.
Is it something you can hold?
Don't you tell me, I'll never speak to you again!
My wedding dress!
My wedding dress has arrived, that's it, isn't it?
Millie, I'm warning you, now don't spoil it for me.
My aunt Martha is from Ohio, and Rob's bringing her here.
That's it, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Millie, how can you be so mean?
You really want me to tell you?
No!
Give me a hint.
A tiny, bad, hint.
OK.
It has to do with time.
He bought me a watch for a wedding present.
Is he sweet!
But he shouldn't have done it, he doesn't
have that kind of money.
Well, that's it. Right?
I guessed it, it's a watch.
Millie, why did you give me such a good hint?
It's not a watch.
But you said it had to do with time.
What else has to do with time?
An egg timer?
Well, there are other things.
Millie, if you're going to give me that kind of a hint.
Time.
Three day pass.
He got the three day pass!
How'd you find out?
Well.
You can tell me.
Well, Sam was in the orderly room when Rob got the pass.
Millie, I could kill you for telling me!
[knocking]
That's Rob, that's his knock, I
know that sweet, sensitive hand anywhere.
Hi Sam.
Hi Laura. Hi Mel.
Hi Sam.
They want you on stage for rehearsal.
OK.
Hey Laura, your fella's out here.
Would you ask me to come in, please?
Come on in, Rob.
Hi Laura.
Hi.
Hi Mil.
Hi.
Honey.
Could we stay in here for a few minutes?
I have something and I'd like to tell you privately.
Well, it's against the rules.
Well, I'll see if we can change the rules,
and we'll call you when we need you.
Come on, Sam.
Thanks, Millie.
Thanks a lot, Mil.
I'll see you later, Sam.
Would you like some coffee?
No, no, thanks, honey.
I got something I'd like to tell you.
Oh?
Is it something that'll please me?
Well, I'm not sure.
Oh, darling, anything you tell me is sure to please me.
Well, honey, I just saw the Captain.
Darling, I know.
Millie just told me.
You got the three day pass for our honeymoon!
Darling, I'm so happy.
Well, where should we go?
Huh?
For our three day honeymoon.
Oh, that.
Well, I--
Rob, you did get the pass, didn't you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got one.
Rob, are you disappointed because I didn't let you tell
me about it and surprise me?
Well, no.
The truth is-- uh, well, as you guessed, honey,
I got this pass.
You don't seem very happy about it.
Well, I'm not.
You're not?
Well, I mean not for the reason that you think, though.
I'm not thinking of any reason.
Well, I mean, not for the reason
that I thought you were thinking.
What did you think I thought?
Well, I thought maybe you thought I was unhappy
because, you know, I had misgivings about, you know, us,
about getting married.
Why did you think I thought that?
Honey, come over here and sit down a minute, will you.
I want to tell you something.
You want me to sit down?
Yeah.
Why?
Are you going to shock me?
No.
I'm not-- you can stand up, if you want to.
Just sit down.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather stand.
Well, Rob, what is it?
Well, Laura, you know, I know how
we've been talking and planning about the wedding and
the honeymoon and everything.
And I think-- oh, boy, I think if you're
going to go on a honeymoon, you know, I know,
I think honeymoons are great.
I've been told.
But I mean, when you go on a honeymoon,
honey, if a girl a guy, if they get married.
If they get married?
I'm not-- when.
When.
You said if.
Honey, I meant when.
I get those two mixed up all the time.
Anyway, what I want to say is, honey, I saw the Captain,
and I ask him for two three day passes,
and all he would give me is this one here.
You're upset because you didn't
get two three day passes?
Oh, yeah, very.
You wanted six days?
Oh, you don't know.
Oh, Rob.
I thought when you said if that you meant if and that there'd
never be a when.
Oh, darling, I'm so happy you got that pass.
[knocking]
SAM: [inaudible] Laura.
Thanks, Sam.
Well, where should we go for our honeymoon?
Well, Danville, Illinois?
All the way back there?
Well, we could go to the rifle range.
We can talk about it later.
Bye-bye.
Thank you, Sam.
Yeah.
Did you tell her?
No.
You didn't tell her.
How could I, Sam?
How can I tell her that I got to go get rid of another fiancee
before I can marry her and go on a honeymoon with her?
You could write a note and pin it to her tutu.
Write a note, Sam?
What do you think I am?
I don't know.
Any guy that would get himself engaged to two girls
at the same time.
Sam, I told you how that happened.
And I forgave you, didn't I?
Go write to the other one. What's her name?
Dorothy.
Yeah, you write Dorothy one of them Dear John letter.
Only you write it dear Dorothy.
You know something, you are no help at all.
I don't get it, Rob.
Why can't you write Dorothy a nice kiss off letter?
I can't, Sam.
I've known her all my life.
She's a friend.
A friend?
You were going to marry a friend?
I never once said I was going to marry her.
To who did you never say it to?
To me or to her?
Never said it to anybody.
I don't know.
I never really ever proposed to Dorothy,
it was all just taken for granted, somehow.
Who took it for granted?
Why, her mother.
Why, everybody.
My friends, everybody.
Look, Rob, Rob.
Look, I never asked this of another fellow
before, but did you love her?
Well, yeah, I thought I did, until I met Laura.
That's why I got to go talk to her face to face.
How can you break news like that in a letter, anyway?
Well, like this.
You write, Dear Dorothy, how are you?
I am fine.
Regards to your mother and father,
sincerely Sergeant Petri.
P.S. I'm sorry you couldn't make it here for my wedding.
Sam and I walked out to the rec-hall.
I must have asked him 100 times, what should I do, Sam?
What should I do?
If I were you, I'd shut the door, Sam, I think I hear.
Oh so, Alan, Alan has a dancer come out and sing a song.
- Hey, gang. - That's good.
Alan wants a run down of the whole show right after lunch.
No problem.
Well, did you fellows--
ladies-- come up with anything exciting while I was gone.
Oh, yes, we think it's very exciting.
Good, let's hear it.
Well, we haven't quite finished it yet.
Yeah, yeah, why don't you wait till we finish it,
and then we'll show you the whole thing.
Well, how long will it take.
How long, Buddy?
Not too long.
Not too long.
Tell you what I'll do.
Laura is in town shopping for some fabric she wants me
to see, so I'll go out and meet her and be
back in about an hour, OK? - Good idea.
When you come back, we'll be all finished.
I hope this thing is as exciting as you say it is.
Oh, it is, it is.
We can't wait to get back to it.
Oh.
Oh yeah, that's where Allan comes out
in a deep sea diving outfit.
That's the kind of spirit I like to hear out here.
So long, Rob.
Alan comes out in a deep sea diving outfit,
and a mermaid swims by, and he's very polite,
so he tips his hat and darn near drowns.
My trip to Danville was spent phrasing a speech so
honest and forthright that Dorothy would not only
have to forgive me for breaking off our engagement,
but might well be provoked into blessing
my forthcoming marriage to Laura.
How do you like that?
He's going to do it.
He's going to use his three day pass to tell Dorothy off.
Oh, he got a lot of class.
As I was entering Dorothy's house--
Buddy, will you read to yourself?
ROB VOICEOVER: As I was standing in Dorothy's living room,
I felt like a soldier who was AWOL.
Absent without love.
And as Hamlet once said, hark, here comes Dorothy,
and I wish I was dead.
I'd forgotten how beautiful and graceful Dorothy was.
She was lovely.
Blonde, about two inches taller than Laura, and about 45%
sexier.
My Robby Bobby Boo!
Hello, Dorothy.
Oh, you're so formal.
You forgotten what you used to call me?
No, no, I haven't forgotten.
Well, go ahead and say it, then.
Well--
Go on, go ahead.
Hi, Dory-do
That's so much better.
Oh, let me look at you, Sergeant.
Come here, stand next to your picture.
Why, you haven't changed a bit.
You're still the best looking man who ever wore a uniform.
Well, the army's been good to me.
Darling, I can't tell you how good it is to see you.
I missed you so.
Are we sitting down?
Did you think about me every day?
Every single whole entire minute?
Well.
Oh, look at this pretty GI haircut.
Well, they cut off all those little pieces of hair.
Did you save them for me?
I didn't think of it.
I bet you thought I was a silly dilly
for sealing every letter with a kiss
and putting perfume on them.
No, no.
You didn't think they were silly?
No, no, they smell great.
Oh, I'm so glad you said that.
Dorothy.
Yes Robby Bobby Boo?
I think my arm's going to sleep.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Here, let me kiss it and make it better.
That's all right, Dorothy.
Dorothy, what I came here to talk to you about,
it's a very difficult thing.
Oh I know, darling, it's something a man
does only once in his whole entire lifetime.
And well, I know how shy you can be.
Oh, are you embarrassed, Robby Bobby?
Oh, boy, Dory-Do.
There.
Does that make it any easier for you?
No, as a matter of fact, it doesn't, Dorothy.
Dorothy, would you sit down right over there
and let me please go about this in my own way?
Oh, I'm sorry darling.
You probably worked out a nice little speech,
and I'm not letting you say it.
Well, Dorothy.
Uh-huh?
Dorothy, you and I have known each other for a long time.
Since fourth grade.
Please, Dorothy.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Please go on.
Well, as I said, Dorothy, you--
you and I have known each other for a long time.
Oh, I'm so excited, Robby Bobby.
Dorothy, please, will you just sit down and let
me say what I have to say?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm making it so difficult for you.
Boy, you don't know.
I want you to know that no matter what you say
or how you say it or phrase it, my answer to your question is--
Dorothy, please, will you not say one more word?
I don't think you know at all what's on my mind.
I don't?
Oh, didn't you come here to talk about marriage?
Yes, no.
Which is it?
Well, I came to talk about marriage, but not our marriage.
Whose marriage, then?
Mine.
Yours.
Yeah.
Yours and who's?
Laura.
Who the devil is Laura?
Dorothy, she's a girl that I met down at camp,
and I proposed to her last week, and that's why I came up here.
You came up here to tell me you're
going to marry someone else?
Well, Dorothy-- would you rather
I wrote it to you in a letter?
Would you?
No!
No, I'm glad you did it this way, Robert.
If you had written it in a letter,
I would have felt cheated.
Cheated?
Cheated out of the opportunity to tell you a few things.
Oh, what do you want to tell me?
This!
And this!
I knew you'd be upset.
Upset!
What makes you think I'm upset!
Oh!
I'm sorry it had to end like this.
Oh!
Oh, Dorothy!
Yes!
Dorothy, I gave--
I gave-- I gave up a three day pass--
A three day pass?
I gave up half my life!
Ow!
And to think I gave up a weekend with Roger Mosby
to be kind to a service man!
Hold it!
Who's Roger Mosby?
This!
He's someone who can make me happy.
Dory-do, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me go, let me go!
Are you serious about this Roger Mosby?
He asked me to marry him!
Then why are you angry with me?
Why am I so angry with you?
Because no one turns me down!
Do you hear me?
No one!
Dorothy, I hate to see you like this.
I'm sorry, but your door's been broken.
Dorothy, wait.
What can I do to make this up to you?
Just hand me my shoe and get out!
OK, OK Dorothy.
I will.
Here's your shoe.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Robert.
You know your way out.
Oh, boy.
She'll make somebody a fine wife.
Hey where's the next page?
I think that's it.
What do you mean, that's it?
Rob's in Danville with a lump on his head.
What happened to Laura?
You know what happened.
They got married and they had a kid named Richie.
Hey, listen, probably be back any minute.
Let's get these memoirs back where they belong.
I want to know if they went on their honeymoon.
Well, you just have to wait till he
writes the next installment.
Maybe we should ask him.
Maybe we should as him.
Come on, let's get some of that exciting sketch down on paper
that we promised him.
All right, where were we.
Something about Allen with the diving helmet.
And the mermaid.
Hi, gang.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Rob, did Laura find any fabrics she liked?
Oh, yeah.
Fine, fine fabric.
I found some fine.
Oh.
How did you guys come out with the sketch?
We had an idea for a honeymoon sketch.
Yeah, where did you and Laura go on your honeymoon?
Why do you ask?
All right, Rob you might as well know.
Because we read it, we're sorry, we apologize, we loved it.
Yeah, and did you and Laura have a honeymoon?
- Yeah. - Wait a minute.
Did you read that manuscript I had hidden in the desk?
Well, I didn't want to--
It wasn't my idea.
But fact remains you read it.
Yeah, we did.
Good.
Good?
Yeah.
I was hoping you would read it.
Boy, you guys are the slowest readers world.
I've been walking in that hall for a half an hour.
You mean, you wanted us to read it.
I was dying for you to.
Well, then, why don't you give it to us instead
of making sneaks out of us?
Because if I gave it to you, then you would be
forced to make a comment on it.
This way if you didn't like it, you
can keep your big mouth shut.
You did like it? - It's great.
Wonderful.
Did it hold your interest?
You tell us first, how did you explain Dorothy to Laura?
It held your interest.
Yeah, what about the honeymoon?
Did you get to have one?
I don't know yet.
What do you mean, you don't know yet?
Well, I think it would be better if they don't get
another three day pass, and they had
to spend their honeymoon apart.
Or do you think it'd be better if they get the honeymoon,
but they spent it in some kind of a funny place.
Like the company barracks.
Wait a minute, please.
What do you mean they?
Isn't this book about your experiences?
Well, based on my experiences.
Some of these incidents are true.
Well, how about Dory-do?
Well, I had to change the names of some of the characters
to protect myself from certain people I'm married to.
You mean there's no big blonde Dorothy?
Oh, yeah, but her name is really Daphne,
is she's short and dumpy and speaks with a lisp.
But you did get to Danville to break the engagement?
No, I did not.
Don't tell us you sent a letter.
No, she sent a letter to me telling me
she was marrying a friend of mine.
She dumped you?
Yeah.
Seems impossible, doesn't it?
I mean I'm so tall.
So if she left you, did you write it this way?
Listen, this is my book.
When Daphne writes her book, she can tell her own story.
Well, honey, what did you think?
Should I continue with it.
- I don't know. - What you mean you don't know.
Didn't you like it?
Rob, it's good.
It's very good.
But it needs a little work.
Well, I mean, what kind of work, honey?
What?
Is it the characters, you think?
No, the characters ring true.
Well, how about style.
And I a little heavy handed on the style?
No, no, the style's fine.
You were bored.
No, it held my interest beautifully.
Well, what kind of changes?
What do you mean?
Well, cutting and editing.
What do you mean?
Well, right around here.
This part.
What, where?
Well, right around there.
Well, here?
She was lovely, blonde, two inches taller than Laura
and about 45% sexier.
Yeah, around there.
Do you think if I cut that 45% sexier,
would that improve the book?
100%.
That's what I thought.
Oh, oh, would it improve.
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK
VAN DYKE SHOW"]
The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,
Rosemary Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
[approaching voices]
Hi, Rob.
Morning.
Hi, fellas.
Fellas.
He said it again.
He said fellas.
Well, I'm sorry, Sally.
You're always talking about how you like to be
treated like one of the guys.
Yeah, but not when I'm wearing my most feminine outfit.
Fellas.
I'm sorry, Sal.
Look, Rob, just for once make believe I'm a girl.
We'll do our best, Fred.
Look, I know I'm doing a man's job, but I am a lady.
And I should like to say one thing.
If you gentlemen called me fella once more
I'm going to belt you one.
We'll try, Sal.
Yeah, boy, I know how hard you hit.
OK, come on.
Let's get some work done around this office for a change.
Hey, you know something, we're out of carbon paper.
Oh, I'll get some.
Not today, Sal.
Allow me, your ladyship.
Agile, isn't he?
Hey, Sally.
Yeah, Bud?
Did I imagine it, or did Rob throw
something in that top drawer just as we came in?
Like he didn't want us to see what it was?
Yeah, something like that.
I don't think you imagined it.
That's what I thought.
Buddy, you got a match.
No, but there might be some in the desk there.
Good idea, try the top drawer.
Right.
I'll take a look.
Did you find any?
Any what?
Matches.
Hey, this is interesting.
What?
[phone ringing]
Come in.
[phone ringing]
Answer the phone.
Hello?
Oh.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
Fine.
What was that?
That's Rob.
He's in Allen's office working on a new monologue with him.
They've been there about a half hour.
He says for us to try and come up with some new ideas.
They've been there a half hour?
Yeah.
You got an idea?
Yeah, but I don't know how good it is.
It's a terrible idea.
You're right.
We shouldn't do it.
That's right, we shouldn't.
Open the drawer, you're wasting time.
Gee, this is awfully good.
What do you think it's for?
Well, isn't it obvious?
Rob's writing his memoirs.
You mean it's going to be made up into a book?
If someone publishes it.
Buddy, I-- I don't feel right about this.
This is like reading Rob's diary.
You said it's going to be a book.
Everybody will read it.
But maybe we ought to wait till he publishes it.
Why?
Gee wiz.
Hey, I just remembered.
A couple of weeks ago Rob said to me
that he had something he was writing he wanted me to read.
Really?
Honest.
She said yes, a hesitant, frightened, yes but a yes.
Did she hear the question correctly?
It had been fairly well mangled.
Let me read by myself.
ROB VOICEOVER: There was no mistake.
She had said yes.
I had expected a no, and frankly, would have preferred
an, I'd like to think about it.
But now I was stuck.
How could I talk my captain into giving me two three-day passes?
Why do you need two three-day passes?
Well, sir Captain, I'm getting married next week
and my girl, she's dancing over to the USO show, and I--
well, she's a girl.
Well, you know how girls are, sir.
She wants a honeymoon.
Well, I'm giving you a three day pass for that.
Why do you want another one?
Sir, I have to go back to Danville, Illinois
to tell my other fiancee that I can't marry her too.
Oh.
I see.
You want to get rid of the girl back home.
Well, no, no, sir.
Not exactly.
She said-- well, yeah, more or less.
I'm sorry, Petri, one three day pass is it.
But-- but sir--
And you can either use it for your honeymoon,
or you can go back to Danville and do the manly thing.
Now it's your choice.
Well, sir, I don't know what to do.
I know what I'd do.
I'd tell that girl back home.
Oh, sir, would you?
It would mean so much more coming from a Captain.
Sergeant!
Yes, sir.
I understand, sir.
I'll do it.
Yes, sir.
Thank you anyway, sir.
Danville, Illinois.
ROB VOICEOVER: The cold beads of perspiration standing out
of my forehead, I wandered around the rec-hall
where Laura was rehearsing for the USO show.
I tried to get up enough courage to tell
her our honeymoon might have to be postponed a few years.
I had three courses open to me.
I could tell Laura that instead of taking her on a honeymoon,
I was going to Danville by myself
to tell my hometown fiancee I was marrying another girl.
Or Laura and I can go to Danville on our honeymoon,
and while we were there, I could have Laura tell her.
Or I could go to the rifle range and stand in front of a target.
While mulling these grim alternatives,
I took two or three more turns around the rec-hall.
Meanwhile, Laura's best friend Millie Crumbermacher
wasn't helping me at all.
Laura?
Huh?
I know what the surprise is.
What surprise?
The one Rob's coming over to tell you about.
Rob's coming over with a surprise?
- Yeah. - How do you know?
Well, never mind.
Well, don't you dare tell me what it is.
If it's a surprise, I want Rob to tell me.
What is it?
No!
OK, I won't, but it's going to make you so happy.
I don't think I could be any happier.
What is it?
No, Millie, don't you dare.
Is it something you can hold?
Don't you tell me, I'll never speak to you again!
My wedding dress!
My wedding dress has arrived, that's it, isn't it?
Millie, I'm warning you, now don't spoil it for me.
My aunt Martha is from Ohio, and Rob's bringing her here.
That's it, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Millie, how can you be so mean?
You really want me to tell you?
No!
Give me a hint.
A tiny, bad, hint.
OK.
It has to do with time.
He bought me a watch for a wedding present.
Is he sweet!
But he shouldn't have done it, he doesn't
have that kind of money.
Well, that's it. Right?
I guessed it, it's a watch.
Millie, why did you give me such a good hint?
It's not a watch.
But you said it had to do with time.
What else has to do with time?
An egg timer?
Well, there are other things.
Millie, if you're going to give me that kind of a hint.
Time.
Three day pass.
He got the three day pass!
How'd you find out?
Well.
You can tell me.
Well, Sam was in the orderly room when Rob got the pass.
Millie, I could kill you for telling me!
[knocking]
That's Rob, that's his knock, I
know that sweet, sensitive hand anywhere.
Hi Sam.
Hi Laura. Hi Mel.
Hi Sam.
They want you on stage for rehearsal.
OK.
Hey Laura, your fella's out here.
Would you ask me to come in, please?
Come on in, Rob.
Hi Laura.
Hi.
Hi Mil.
Hi.
Honey.
Could we stay in here for a few minutes?
I have something and I'd like to tell you privately.
Well, it's against the rules.
Well, I'll see if we can change the rules,
and we'll call you when we need you.
Come on, Sam.
Thanks, Millie.
Thanks a lot, Mil.
I'll see you later, Sam.
Would you like some coffee?
No, no, thanks, honey.
I got something I'd like to tell you.
Oh?
Is it something that'll please me?
Well, I'm not sure.
Oh, darling, anything you tell me is sure to please me.
Well, honey, I just saw the Captain.
Darling, I know.
Millie just told me.
You got the three day pass for our honeymoon!
Darling, I'm so happy.
Well, where should we go?
Huh?
For our three day honeymoon.
Oh, that.
Well, I--
Rob, you did get the pass, didn't you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I got one.
Rob, are you disappointed because I didn't let you tell
me about it and surprise me?
Well, no.
The truth is-- uh, well, as you guessed, honey,
I got this pass.
You don't seem very happy about it.
Well, I'm not.
You're not?
Well, I mean not for the reason that you think, though.
I'm not thinking of any reason.
Well, I mean, not for the reason
that I thought you were thinking.
What did you think I thought?
Well, I thought maybe you thought I was unhappy
because, you know, I had misgivings about, you know, us,
about getting married.
Why did you think I thought that?
Honey, come over here and sit down a minute, will you.
I want to tell you something.
You want me to sit down?
Yeah.
Why?
Are you going to shock me?
No.
I'm not-- you can stand up, if you want to.
Just sit down.
Well, if you don't mind, I'd rather stand.
Well, Rob, what is it?
Well, Laura, you know, I know how
we've been talking and planning about the wedding and
the honeymoon and everything.
And I think-- oh, boy, I think if you're
going to go on a honeymoon, you know, I know,
I think honeymoons are great.
I've been told.
But I mean, when you go on a honeymoon,
honey, if a girl a guy, if they get married.
If they get married?
I'm not-- when.
When.
You said if.
Honey, I meant when.
I get those two mixed up all the time.
Anyway, what I want to say is, honey, I saw the Captain,
and I ask him for two three day passes,
and all he would give me is this one here.
You're upset because you didn't
get two three day passes?
Oh, yeah, very.
You wanted six days?
Oh, you don't know.
Oh, Rob.
I thought when you said if that you meant if and that there'd
never be a when.
Oh, darling, I'm so happy you got that pass.
[knocking]
SAM: [inaudible] Laura.
Thanks, Sam.
Well, where should we go for our honeymoon?
Well, Danville, Illinois?
All the way back there?
Well, we could go to the rifle range.
We can talk about it later.
Bye-bye.
Thank you, Sam.
Yeah.
Did you tell her?
No.
You didn't tell her.
How could I, Sam?
How can I tell her that I got to go get rid of another fiancee
before I can marry her and go on a honeymoon with her?
You could write a note and pin it to her tutu.
Write a note, Sam?
What do you think I am?
I don't know.
Any guy that would get himself engaged to two girls
at the same time.
Sam, I told you how that happened.
And I forgave you, didn't I?
Go write to the other one. What's her name?
Dorothy.
Yeah, you write Dorothy one of them Dear John letter.
Only you write it dear Dorothy.
You know something, you are no help at all.
I don't get it, Rob.
Why can't you write Dorothy a nice kiss off letter?
I can't, Sam.
I've known her all my life.
She's a friend.
A friend?
You were going to marry a friend?
I never once said I was going to marry her.
To who did you never say it to?
To me or to her?
Never said it to anybody.
I don't know.
I never really ever proposed to Dorothy,
it was all just taken for granted, somehow.
Who took it for granted?
Why, her mother.
Why, everybody.
My friends, everybody.
Look, Rob, Rob.
Look, I never asked this of another fellow
before, but did you love her?
Well, yeah, I thought I did, until I met Laura.
That's why I got to go talk to her face to face.
How can you break news like that in a letter, anyway?
Well, like this.
You write, Dear Dorothy, how are you?
I am fine.
Regards to your mother and father,
sincerely Sergeant Petri.
P.S. I'm sorry you couldn't make it here for my wedding.
Sam and I walked out to the rec-hall.
I must have asked him 100 times, what should I do, Sam?
What should I do?
If I were you, I'd shut the door, Sam, I think I hear.
Oh so, Alan, Alan has a dancer come out and sing a song.
- Hey, gang. - That's good.
Alan wants a run down of the whole show right after lunch.
No problem.
Well, did you fellows--
ladies-- come up with anything exciting while I was gone.
Oh, yes, we think it's very exciting.
Good, let's hear it.
Well, we haven't quite finished it yet.
Yeah, yeah, why don't you wait till we finish it,
and then we'll show you the whole thing.
Well, how long will it take.
How long, Buddy?
Not too long.
Not too long.
Tell you what I'll do.
Laura is in town shopping for some fabric she wants me
to see, so I'll go out and meet her and be
back in about an hour, OK? - Good idea.
When you come back, we'll be all finished.
I hope this thing is as exciting as you say it is.
Oh, it is, it is.
We can't wait to get back to it.
Oh.
Oh yeah, that's where Allan comes out
in a deep sea diving outfit.
That's the kind of spirit I like to hear out here.
So long, Rob.
Alan comes out in a deep sea diving outfit,
and a mermaid swims by, and he's very polite,
so he tips his hat and darn near drowns.
My trip to Danville was spent phrasing a speech so
honest and forthright that Dorothy would not only
have to forgive me for breaking off our engagement,
but might well be provoked into blessing
my forthcoming marriage to Laura.
How do you like that?
He's going to do it.
He's going to use his three day pass to tell Dorothy off.
Oh, he got a lot of class.
As I was entering Dorothy's house--
Buddy, will you read to yourself?
ROB VOICEOVER: As I was standing in Dorothy's living room,
I felt like a soldier who was AWOL.
Absent without love.
And as Hamlet once said, hark, here comes Dorothy,
and I wish I was dead.
I'd forgotten how beautiful and graceful Dorothy was.
She was lovely.
Blonde, about two inches taller than Laura, and about 45%
sexier.
My Robby Bobby Boo!
Hello, Dorothy.
Oh, you're so formal.
You forgotten what you used to call me?
No, no, I haven't forgotten.
Well, go ahead and say it, then.
Well--
Go on, go ahead.
Hi, Dory-do
That's so much better.
Oh, let me look at you, Sergeant.
Come here, stand next to your picture.
Why, you haven't changed a bit.
You're still the best looking man who ever wore a uniform.
Well, the army's been good to me.
Darling, I can't tell you how good it is to see you.
I missed you so.
Are we sitting down?
Did you think about me every day?
Every single whole entire minute?
Well.
Oh, look at this pretty GI haircut.
Well, they cut off all those little pieces of hair.
Did you save them for me?
I didn't think of it.
I bet you thought I was a silly dilly
for sealing every letter with a kiss
and putting perfume on them.
No, no.
You didn't think they were silly?
No, no, they smell great.
Oh, I'm so glad you said that.
Dorothy.
Yes Robby Bobby Boo?
I think my arm's going to sleep.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh.
Here, let me kiss it and make it better.
That's all right, Dorothy.
Dorothy, what I came here to talk to you about,
it's a very difficult thing.
Oh I know, darling, it's something a man
does only once in his whole entire lifetime.
And well, I know how shy you can be.
Oh, are you embarrassed, Robby Bobby?
Oh, boy, Dory-Do.
There.
Does that make it any easier for you?
No, as a matter of fact, it doesn't, Dorothy.
Dorothy, would you sit down right over there
and let me please go about this in my own way?
Oh, I'm sorry darling.
You probably worked out a nice little speech,
and I'm not letting you say it.
Well, Dorothy.
Uh-huh?
Dorothy, you and I have known each other for a long time.
Since fourth grade.
Please, Dorothy.
Oh, I'm sorry, darling.
Please go on.
Well, as I said, Dorothy, you--
you and I have known each other for a long time.
Oh, I'm so excited, Robby Bobby.
Dorothy, please, will you just sit down and let
me say what I have to say?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm making it so difficult for you.
Boy, you don't know.
I want you to know that no matter what you say
or how you say it or phrase it, my answer to your question is--
Dorothy, please, will you not say one more word?
I don't think you know at all what's on my mind.
I don't?
Oh, didn't you come here to talk about marriage?
Yes, no.
Which is it?
Well, I came to talk about marriage, but not our marriage.
Whose marriage, then?
Mine.
Yours.
Yeah.
Yours and who's?
Laura.
Who the devil is Laura?
Dorothy, she's a girl that I met down at camp,
and I proposed to her last week, and that's why I came up here.
You came up here to tell me you're
going to marry someone else?
Well, Dorothy-- would you rather
I wrote it to you in a letter?
Would you?
No!
No, I'm glad you did it this way, Robert.
If you had written it in a letter,
I would have felt cheated.
Cheated?
Cheated out of the opportunity to tell you a few things.
Oh, what do you want to tell me?
This!
And this!
I knew you'd be upset.
Upset!
What makes you think I'm upset!
Oh!
I'm sorry it had to end like this.
Oh!
Oh, Dorothy!
Yes!
Dorothy, I gave--
I gave-- I gave up a three day pass--
A three day pass?
I gave up half my life!
Ow!
And to think I gave up a weekend with Roger Mosby
to be kind to a service man!
Hold it!
Who's Roger Mosby?
This!
He's someone who can make me happy.
Dory-do, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Let me go, let me go!
Are you serious about this Roger Mosby?
He asked me to marry him!
Then why are you angry with me?
Why am I so angry with you?
Because no one turns me down!
Do you hear me?
No one!
Dorothy, I hate to see you like this.
I'm sorry, but your door's been broken.
Dorothy, wait.
What can I do to make this up to you?
Just hand me my shoe and get out!
OK, OK Dorothy.
I will.
Here's your shoe.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Robert.
You know your way out.
Oh, boy.
She'll make somebody a fine wife.
Hey where's the next page?
I think that's it.
What do you mean, that's it?
Rob's in Danville with a lump on his head.
What happened to Laura?
You know what happened.
They got married and they had a kid named Richie.
Hey, listen, probably be back any minute.
Let's get these memoirs back where they belong.
I want to know if they went on their honeymoon.
Well, you just have to wait till he
writes the next installment.
Maybe we should ask him.
Maybe we should as him.
Come on, let's get some of that exciting sketch down on paper
that we promised him.
All right, where were we.
Something about Allen with the diving helmet.
And the mermaid.
Hi, gang.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey, Rob, did Laura find any fabrics she liked?
Oh, yeah.
Fine, fine fabric.
I found some fine.
Oh.
How did you guys come out with the sketch?
We had an idea for a honeymoon sketch.
Yeah, where did you and Laura go on your honeymoon?
Why do you ask?
All right, Rob you might as well know.
Because we read it, we're sorry, we apologize, we loved it.
Yeah, and did you and Laura have a honeymoon?
- Yeah. - Wait a minute.
Did you read that manuscript I had hidden in the desk?
Well, I didn't want to--
It wasn't my idea.
But fact remains you read it.
Yeah, we did.
Good.
Good?
Yeah.
I was hoping you would read it.
Boy, you guys are the slowest readers world.
I've been walking in that hall for a half an hour.
You mean, you wanted us to read it.
I was dying for you to.
Well, then, why don't you give it to us instead
of making sneaks out of us?
Because if I gave it to you, then you would be
forced to make a comment on it.
This way if you didn't like it, you
can keep your big mouth shut.
You did like it? - It's great.
Wonderful.
Did it hold your interest?
You tell us first, how did you explain Dorothy to Laura?
It held your interest.
Yeah, what about the honeymoon?
Did you get to have one?
I don't know yet.
What do you mean, you don't know yet?
Well, I think it would be better if they don't get
another three day pass, and they had
to spend their honeymoon apart.
Or do you think it'd be better if they get the honeymoon,
but they spent it in some kind of a funny place.
Like the company barracks.
Wait a minute, please.
What do you mean they?
Isn't this book about your experiences?
Well, based on my experiences.
Some of these incidents are true.
Well, how about Dory-do?
Well, I had to change the names of some of the characters
to protect myself from certain people I'm married to.
You mean there's no big blonde Dorothy?
Oh, yeah, but her name is really Daphne,
is she's short and dumpy and speaks with a lisp.
But you did get to Danville to break the engagement?
No, I did not.
Don't tell us you sent a letter.
No, she sent a letter to me telling me
she was marrying a friend of mine.
She dumped you?
Yeah.
Seems impossible, doesn't it?
I mean I'm so tall.
So if she left you, did you write it this way?
Listen, this is my book.
When Daphne writes her book, she can tell her own story.
Well, honey, what did you think?
Should I continue with it.
- I don't know. - What you mean you don't know.
Didn't you like it?
Rob, it's good.
It's very good.
But it needs a little work.
Well, I mean, what kind of work, honey?
What?
Is it the characters, you think?
No, the characters ring true.
Well, how about style.
And I a little heavy handed on the style?
No, no, the style's fine.
You were bored.
No, it held my interest beautifully.
Well, what kind of changes?
What do you mean?
Well, cutting and editing.
What do you mean?
Well, right around here.
This part.
What, where?
Well, right around there.
Well, here?
She was lovely, blonde, two inches taller than Laura
and about 45% sexier.
Yeah, around there.
Do you think if I cut that 45% sexier,
would that improve the book?
100%.
That's what I thought.
Oh, oh, would it improve.
[MUSIC - END THEME "THE DICK
VAN DYKE SHOW"]