The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 18 - Ray Murdock's X-Ray - full transcript

[theme song]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews and Mary Tyler Moore.

OK, Buddy, here's your coffee.

BUDDY SORRELL: What took you so long?

I was only gone a minute.

- Only one minute? - That's all.

This electric pencil sharpeners

are faster than I thought.

Look at all I got done in one minute.



And I thought you were wasting your time.

I answered the telephone too.

Oh, you didn't.

Yeah.

Ray Murdock called and he wants to interview

Rob on his television show.

It's the, ah-- what they call it?

"The Ray Murdock X-rays".

Yeah.

SALLY ROGERS: Boy, Murdock, the murder.

I'm sure Rob has enough sense to say no.

Oh, hi, Rob.

Hi, gang.

Now why would anyone want to go on that show?



Because it's a challenge, that's why.

Oh, then you got the message, huh?

Yeah, Marge gave it to me out the switchboard.

Hey, you're not serious about going on that show, are you?

ROB PETRIE: Well, I don't know.

Because I don't climb mountains or fight bulls or hunt lions,

I gotta do something courageous.

BUDDY SORRELL: You want to do something courageous?

Come to my house and say to my mother-in-law,

you're wrong, fatso.

Here, Rob, here's your coffee.

Thank you.

You know, I'd kind of like to tackle

that Murdock It might be fun.

BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah?

Fun, answering a lot of personal questions

that are none of anybody's business?

Answering them isn't the fun, it's parrying

the questions, avoiding them.

That's the fun.

BUDDY SORRELL: That's right.

Ah, you happen to see what Murdock

did to that Hungarian count who wrote that book "40

Year of Happy Marriage?"

No, what did he do to him?

Well, he X-rayed the count and uncovered a few skeletons.

ROB PETRIE: What skeletons, didn't he have

40 years of happy marriage?

Yeah, but he forgot to mention in his book

that the 40 happy years we spent with eight different wives.

Well, I only have one wife, but I would just simply

refuse to talk about her.

Anyway, I think the least I can do is call him back.

Marge, hey, get me Ray Murdock on the phone, will you?

Because it is a challenge, Marge.

Will you just get him, please?

Look, take my advice.

Don't get started with that guy.

He take a string bean like you and like that, succotash.

Ah, Mr. Murdock, ah, Rob Petrie, here.

Gee, thanks for returning my call.

How are you?

ROB PETRIE (ON PHONE): Fine, Mr. Murdock.

It's Ray, the people whose work I respect.

Oh, sure, Ray.

Ah, what can I do for you?

BUDDY SORRELL: Send him a rope.

Well, how about letting me X-ray you?

I don't know, Ray.

Some of my friends here tell me I'd be a fool to go on.

[chuckles] No, I wouldn't give you a rough time.

I only do that with people who are controversial

or who like a good fight.

No, uh, personal questions that might embarrass me.

Forget it.

Just straightforward questions about how a great comedy

show like yours gets written.

Nothing embarrassing there.

No, of course not.

RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): Well, then you'll do it.

Well--

RAY MURDOCK (ON PHONE): No, fine.

Then I'll expect you here at 5:00.

5:00?

You shoot at 5:00 today?

Don't forget your blindfold.

It's only a five minute interview.

You'll be out of there in no time.

Listen, I'll have the secretary call you

and give you all the details.

And-- and Rob, I'm very indebted to you for this.

I'll see you at 5:00.

Here's another one.

What?

Oh, let her sue me.

Well, he was, uh, very charming.

BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, before she hooked

me, my wife with charming.

Excuse me, are you the stage manager?

Yeah.

I'm-- I'm Robert Petrie.

So?

Well, Mr. Murdock's gonna, ah--

gonna interview me today.

Oh, you're the comedy writer?

Yeah.

Is Mr. Murdock here?

No, he gets here about five seconds before we roll.

Five seconds, isn't that calling it a little bit close?

Well, you see, he doesn't like to meet

the guest before the interview.

Why not?

Because he doesn't like to fraternize with his opponents.

Tell me, is he as tough on some of his guests

as I've heard he is?

Well, that depends.

On what?

What side of the bed he got up on.

Oh.

Which side of the bed did he get up on this morning?

RAY MURDOCK: This is my show and don't you forget it.

Oh, hey, there.

Uh-huh.

I think he slept on the floor.

OK.

Yes, yes, he's here.

They're ready for you, Mr. Petrie.

Will you just sit right down there, please?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

All right, let me get this on you.

Oh, don't strap me in too tight, warden.

[chuckles] Yeah, just talk into there, huh?

Yes.

Is it all right if I smoke?

Shh.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight, Ray Murdock X-rays Robert Petrie.

And here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie is Ray Murdock.

Mr. Robert Petrie is the chief writer

of that popular weekly musical variety

program, "The Alan Brady Show".

Good evening, Rob.

Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.

[chuckles]

Rob, are you married?

Well, yeah.

Yes, I am.

Would you consider yourself happily married?

Well, Ray, I'd--

I'd rather not answer any personal questions,

if you don't mind. [chuckles]

Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't have to answer that question if you'd rather not.

Well, I'd rather not.

I understand.

You understand what, Ray?

I understand that you would rather

not talk about your marriage.

Oh, no, wait a minute, Ray.

Don't put me-- don't put words in my mouth.

Don't put me in a corner.

I'm happily married.

It's just that I don't see what that

has to do with what we agreed to talk about, comedy writing.

Well, that's got a bit to do with comedy writing.

Oh, well, I guess I just don't see that.

Oh, you might if you let me question

you without censoring me.

Oh, I don't want to censor you, Ray.

I mean, there's no need to be nervous.

Oh I'm--

I'm just-- I'm not nervous.

Do you mind if I smoke?

It's perfectly all right.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I forgot to close the cover before striking.

Ah, here I'll just put that out.

I'm sorry.

No, I don't want to censor you, Ray.

Ah, you just fire away.

Well, no pun intended.

Well, I hope not.

No, the reason I ask you about your marriage

is I wondered how your wife feels being

married to a comedy writer.

Well, I'm afraid you'd have to ask--

ask her that question, Ray.

I thought we were gonna talk about comedy writing.

Well, you, uh, run a lot of sketches with home

life situations, don't you?

Yes, we do.

I see.

Well, from what source do you get most of the material

for these sketches, books you read, movies, other television

plays, from life itself?

Well, ah, observing life, I guess.

Oh, come now, Mr. Petrie.

Are you saying that television comedy

writers observe life and then comment on it as say Twain did?

Yes.

RAY MURDOCK: Mhm.

Well, maybe not as well as Twain did.

Maybe not as well.

Well, all right, then definitely not as well.

But we do use life.

Can you give me one example of a sketch you got from life?

Yes.

Ah-- um-- there was, um--

we did eh-- um, wait.

Um, we had the--

I-- there was one way back we did, I remember.

What was it?

Have you done many of those?

Yeah, 100, 100.

But you can't seem to think of one?

Well, you caught me unprepared here.

I see.

Well, we'll come back to that question

a little later if you think of one.

The one about, ah--

No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Ray.

I'll give you half a dozen examples right now.

We did one about-- about a wife who likes to open her husband's

mail all the time, and she's embarrassed one day

when a package comes and it contains

an inflatable life raft, see.

And she gets stuck in a closet with it.

Well, then that's life.

That's very amusing.

We had one there where a wife varnished the-- the dining room

chairs the same night that she was having a dinner party,

you see.

And three of the guests end up stuck to the chairs

and had to go home without their pants.

[chuckles] It happened.

It actually happened.

And then we had one where a wife is taking the little boy

to school, see, and she's just wearing a robe and a nightgown.

On the way back, she has a flat tire,

right on the corner in front of where

they're having a dedication ceremony for a brand new bank.

[chuckles] And then we--

[laughs] we had one were a newlywed wife

pours turpentine instead of salad

oil on her husband's salad.

They had to pump my stomach.

Now just-- just a minute now.

Are you saying all these bizarre goings on actually

happened to your wife?

That's right, to my wife.

And we wrote comedy sketches based

on her actual experiences.

I-- she has done some of the funniest things.

She-- see, [clears throat] Ray.

Let me say this.

I-- I don't want you or your viewers

to get the impression that my wife's some kind

of a scatterbrain or something.

Why would anyone get that impression?

Well, Ray, these things happened, all right,

but they could have happened to anybody.

Oh, sure anyone who drives around in her nightgown

and mixes turpentine and salads--

Well, Ray, now just a minute.

What about all those humorous domestic quarrels

Alan Brady does on the show, did you get those

from your marital files too?

Well, no, not all of them.

Tell me, how does your wife feel about the whole country

laughing at the things that she said to you

in the privacy of your home?

Well, ah, Ray, she, um--

she understands.

She knows I'm a comedy writer.

And she forgives you for holding

her up to national ridicule?

Well, Ray, right up to this moment,

I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy

sketches were, you know, based on my wife's

actual experiences.

Well, that's what we're here for to X-ray and enlighten.

Well, Ray--

I hope Robert Petrie's X-ray has shed some light

on how a successful comedy writer collects

grist for his humor mill.

ROB PETRIE: Well, Ray, I'd like to straighten out

a couple things.

In just 60 seconds, I'll get back to turn my X-ray

onto [inaudible] who for two years

masqueraded as a dope addict.

STAGE MANAGER: Cut! That's a print.

Hey, listen--

Mr. Murdock.

Mis-- Mis--

Hey, Rob.

Hey, Rob.

We were watching the show in the control room.

I hope you don't mind.

Hey, where do we send the flowers?

You saw that fiasco?

BUDDY SORRELL: Yeah, maybe you better sleep at my house

for a couple of years.

Did it really sound like I was rapping her?

Well, it wasn't exactly a testimonial you did.

Oh, boy, do I hope she was out shopping.

Or varnishing chairs.

Don't worry about it.

Laura didn't see the program.

How can you be so sure?

Because it's taped.

It doesn't go on until 8 o'clock tonight.

I just asked one of the staff. - Huh?

BUDDY SORRELL: Hey, you better go home and start

busting television tools.

Yeah, Laura-- Laura doesn't know this is on tonight.

All I gotta do is keep her away from that television set.

Well, Rob, is there anything we can do?

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

About a couple of minutes before 8 o'clock--

SALLY ROGERS: Yeah.

--you call and tell Laura that you like her recipe

for vichyssoise or something. - All right.

Well, just to be on the safe side,

I'll ask for the recipe for date nut bread too.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

If she ever sees this show, my wife is

never gonna speak to me again.

Yeah?

Hey, how can I get on this show?

Oh.

Ah, honey, are you gonna watch television?

Yeah, for a little while.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why?

I was gonna fix it.

What's the matter with it?

Well, the vertical hold won't hold,

and the linearity is going all like that.

The linearity isn't going on like that at all.

Well, honey, it goes in and out.

It comes and goes.

Ritchie all missed the cartoons on the credits.

I'll just adjust it here.

Oh, Rob, it was working well enough for me.

Why don't you just leave it for now, darling?

Well, honey, it's liable do all those crazy things

just as the climax comes.

But dear, I'm only going to watch for a little while.

I think I'll get in bed and read.

I'm kind of tired.

Well, honey, look.

If you're tired, why don't you go to bed now?

I'll massage your shoulders for you.

No, I'm just gonna watch for an hour or so.

Ah, that's until 8:30, huh?

Or 9:00.

Would you plug it in, darling?

Well, honey, what are you gonna watch?

Nothing until you plug it in.

Hey, as long as the plug's out, let's go to a movie, huh?

Honey, I bet we haven't seen a movie since--

Last night.

Last night?

I gotta get this watch fixed.

Rob, plug.

You want me to plug this in, huh?

Would you?

Well, I guess I can plug it in there for a little while.

ANNOUNCER: And at 8 o'clock tonight, Ray

Murdock X-rays the well-known--

Oops, see, I pulled the plug out there, honey.

The well-known who?

I don't know, probably some well-known

dope addict or something.

I don't know.

Gee, hon, these prongs seem to be spread too far.

I can't get them in there.

They won't go in there.

Yeah, there.

That's pretty snug.

ANNOUNCER: [inaudible],, who for two years masqueraded as a--

Was a snug prong there-- snug prong.

What did he masquerade as?

I didn't get that.

ANNOUNCER: At 8 o'clock tonight.

What time is it now, dear?

Well, it's about a quarter of 8:00.

Well, I guess I can wait until then.

Hey, honey, you know something we

haven't done for a long time?

What?

Well, something you've just been begging me to do.

Rob, what are you doing?

I told you, something you've been asking

me to do for a long time.

Rob, I never asked you to move furniture.

I gotta start sometime.

Rob, why are you doing this awful thing to our living room?

And I told you for a good cause.

OK.

OK, I give up.

Why have you emptied our room?

So you and I can dance.

What on Earth has gotten into you?

A rhythmic impulse has gotten into me.

Wait until you hear this recording that I've got here.

Oh, darling, I don't think I can dance.

I'm a little tired.

Oh, boy, I feel like Don O'Connor, Fred Astaire and Gene

Kelly all wrapped into one.

I'm sorry, fellas, but I don't think I can

keep up with any one of you.

Oh, honey, come on, my little--

my little dancing bunny.

Well, you used to tell me that you

were never too tired to dance.

I lied.

Oh, honey, just put yourself in my hands

and leave the dancing to us.

Oh, Rob. No, I can't.

Now come on.

Thank you, Fred, Gene and Don.

Honey, you're one-- look, let's do one more.

No, Rob. I'm too tired.

Come on, honey, this is a nice slow dreamy one.

You-- you love slow dreamy ones.

You know something?

You're a nut.

Oh, yeah.

Don't answer, honey.

It's probably just Sally.

Well, no, darling, it might be something important.

Hello?

Sally, right?

Yes, this is Mrs. Petrie.

What, in five minutes?

Yes, thank you very much.

That was Ray Murdock's office saying your interview

goes on in five minute.

What interview? - Interview?

Gee, what?

Raymond Murdock, you say.

I don't remember.

It's some silly thing I did.

Honey, come on, let's finish our dance, huh?

No, Rob.

We can finish the dance after the interview.

No, let's finish it now, honey.

Why do we have to finish it now?

Well, you may not want to dance

with me after the interview.

Did you say something on that show you don't want me to hear?

[gasps] No, honey.

I'm just in the dancing mood.

I don't get in a dancing mood very often, honey.

Who knows when I'll get in a dancing mood again,

may be years.

[phone rings]

Hold on.

Hi Sally.

I mean, hello.

Yes, she's here, just a minute.

Hey, honey.

Sally what's your recipe for cold vichyssoise and date

nut bread.

Oh, would you tell her I'll call her back after the show.

No, honey, it's an emergency.

Come on.

A vichyssoise emergency?

Well, honey, I know it sounds silly,

but if you don't give Sally this recipe right now--

What'll happen?

Well, two of her best friends are

gonna have a terrible fight.

I see.

Well, tell Sally I'm gonna watch the show,

but thank her for a good try.

Forget it, Sal.

No, she won't, she won't. That's all right.

Thanks anyway.

Don't touch that dial.

Well, honey, the horizontal, it's off.

Rob, go to your room!

Can you please let me see the show?

Hey, honey, this Murdock guy sure can put people in a hole.

Rob, I can't hear.

ANNOUNCER: --is Robert Petrie.

Honey, look.

There's nothing to hear, but awful lot of garbage.

Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to hear

every word of this garbage.

And if you say one more word, I'll never speak to you again.

OK.

ANNOUNCER: Here to turn the X-ray on Mr. Petrie

is Ray Murdock.

RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Mr. Robert Petrie--

And don't go up on the roof to adjust the antenna.

RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Good evening, Rob.

ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Oh, ah, good evening, Ray.

RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Rob, are you married?

ROB PETRIE (ON TV): Well, yeah. Yes, I am.

RAY MURDOCK (ON TV): Would you consider

yourself happily married?

--up to national ridicule?

Well, what, Ray?

[chuckles] Right up to this moment,

I don't think the country was aware that, ah, those comedy

sketches were, you know, based on my wife's

actual experiences.

Well, that's what we're here for, to X-ray and enlighten.

[laughs] Wanna--

wanna finish our dance?

Our marriage?

Why, you're angry, aren't you, honey?

What, I don't blame you.

I was plenty upset about it too.

Well, you could-- I was trapped, you could tell that.

I was trying to extricate myself from it, honey.

Honey, look, you know how I really feel about you.

You told the whole world that you married a nut!

Not the world, it's a local show.

(WHIMPERING) I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

You told everyone about my private mistakes.

Is there nothing sacred?

I won't be able to go outside anymore.

--on that show.

I won't be able to show my face

because everybody is going to point

and say, look, there goes the nut.

Honey, I didn't do it to ridicule you.

Well, if you did it not to ridicule me, Rob,

you failed miserably.

Laura, you know something?

I think you're taking this too seriously.

Am I?

Well, you don't have to go to the supermarket

and the beauty parlor and the PTA

and hear the hoots and the snickers.

Honey, what hoots and snickers?

Now, if you'll think back, you'll

remember that I didn't say one thing that could

provoke any hoots and snickers.

Oh, [gasps] sending people home without their pants?

You don't think--

Oh, honey.

All right, I apologize.

But believe me, nobody's gonna think

you're a kook or anything.

I bet you none of your friends even saw that show.

How can you be so sure?

Because, honey, if they saw it,

you can bet that that phone--

[phone rings]

--would be ringing.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Ah, well, yeah, just a minute.

She's-- she's here.

Honey, it's a lady calling for you and she is not snickering.

She'll be right with you.

Can I help you?

Well, I'm-- I'm sorry, my wife just

stepped under a cold shower.

That's not a bad idea, honey.

What?

Oh, you saw it.

Well, ah, yeah, they're true.

Yeah, she did.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I can't

think of any more stories.

I beg you pardon.

Well, yeah, a great deal.

Well, no, I'm afraid you have to ask her that question.

Ah, she's still in the shower.

No.

No, Mrs. Thorley.

No, I'll remember.

Wait, oh, I got the number.

Huh?

Got it, good.

Yeah, I'll tell her to call, but I'm afraid she's not

going to be interested in that.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Goodbye.

That was Mrs. Thorley.

She wants you to call her back.

And you say I'm not gonna hear from my friends about this.

That's Mrs. Thorley calling, and I've never even heard of her.

[sobbing]

Well, honey, aren't you gonna call her back?

She was-- she was mighty anxious to talk to you.

Well, I'm impressed, very, very impressed.

You're really getting up in the world.

Boy, I don't know.

I'm a-- I'm a big television comedy writer.

Mrs. [inaudible] never called me.

No, sir, not the editor of "Home and House" magazine.

What did she want?

Oh, I don't know some--

some kind of an interview with you, honey.

I don't know what it was.

It seems like they're doing a feature

on the-- on the woman behind the men or some

silly thing like that.

She wanted to do an interview about me?

Oh, yes, of course she did.

She has some ridiculous idea that you were the inspiration

in all my work that I do.

[chuckles] Where did she get an idea like that?

You know what she said?

She said what a lucky guy I am to have such

a creative wife, silly woman.

She wants to write about me?

Oh, yeah, but I told her you probably

wouldn't be interested anyway.

You know what she asked me?

She asked me if you ever did or suggested

anything else that I used to write about on the show?

And I said I couldn't think of anything.

Now actually that's true, there isn't anything else.

I guess we won't be needing this.

There.

New Rochelle, 69970.

LAURA PETRIE: Boy, oh, boy, Robert Petrie.

It's fine for you to make fun of me on your television show.

But the minute I get a chance to vindicate

myself, oh, that's different.

Hello, Mrs. Thorley?

Well, this is Laura Petrie calling,

my husband just told me.

Yes.

Oh, I would just love to.

No, gee, I don't know what--

what Josephine did for Napoleon, but I do

know what I've done for my Rob.

[chuckles] Lunch on Thursday?

Well, I'd love to.

But why don't we have lunch tonight?

Yeah.

You can over to mine, or I can come over to your house

or you can come over here or we could meet halfway.

Whatever you say, Mrs. Thorley.

Oh, yes, there are hundreds of others.

I can tell you all about them.

I can go from A right down to Z. They're all hysterical.

They're wonderful.

I am the nut, yes.

Come on, Rob, try to think now because I have to meet Mrs.

Thorley tomorrow and I want to have as many things as possible

to tell her.

What other kooky things did I inspire?

Well, there was a time you were

a week late for the wedding--

Oh, good.

ROB PETRIE: Yeah.

And, ah, when you put the starch in my swimming trunks.

Got that.

All right, so I can't think of anything else, honey.

Oh, darling, there must be lots more that I inspired.

I think it's about it.

Hey, how about the time that you lost your wedding

ring in a muffin?

Good, goo-- when did I do that?

Well, I don't know.

When did you make these muffins?

Oh, Rob, I thought I'd lost it.

I was so worried.

I-- well, you know, this will be the funniest one of all.

[theme song]