The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Foul Weather Girl - full transcript

[theme music]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

Hello.

Hello.

Is Rob home?

No, he isn't.

You must be Mrs. Petrie.

I am.

I'm Jane Leighton.



Do I know you?

No, but I thought maybe your husband

might've mentioned me to you.

No, he didn't.

That's just like Rob.

Well, won't you come in Ms. Leighton.

Oh, thank you.

Oh my, what a lovely home you have.

Thank you.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Oh, if I'd known Rob would do this well,

I might've said yes to him when he proposed to me.

Rob proposed to you?



At least 20 times.

20 times.

My Rob, Robert Petrie?

Well, that was mean of me.

You see, Rob and I were lovers in a high school play.

And well he had to propose to me.

It was in the script.

Oh.

I see.

He was a senior, and I was a sophomore.

But, oh, we were very good friends.

He never mentioned me to you?

No, he never did.

That's funny.

It was Rob who suggested that I come here.

Rob suggested you come here?

Well, I sent him a long letter telling him

about my frustrations, you know.

And then he wrote back, and he said

that, well, I really ought to come to New York

and give it a whirl.

Well, where are you staying?

Right here.

Here.

Oh, I don't mean here.

I mean in New Rochelle.

I have some relatives who invited me to stay with them.

Oh, that's nice.

I'm expected to dinner soon.

But, well, I would love to see Robert first.

When do you expect him?

Well, he should be home any minute now.

Oh, that's good.

You know I should apologize for just barging in like this,

I mean, without even calling.

But, gosh, I'm so keyed up and excited.

I mean, this whole trip means so much to me.

Well, I understand.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Ms. Leighton,

I have a roast in the bathtub, and my son's in the oven.

That is darling.

I guess when you live with a man like Rob,

you just pick up his sense of humor.

I guess.

Oh, and, Ms.Leighton, if you'd like something to read,

there's some coffee on the magazine table.

Oh, Laura, you're priceless.

I am.

I mean the magazine is on the coffee table.

Thank you.

The bathtub's in here.

Hi, Rich.

Hi, honey.

Who did I just--

Me.

Who are you?

Jane Leighton.

From the back of head she looks like you, Mommy.

Hey, honey, she sure does.

She looks exactly like you from the back.

I didn't know.

She even kisses, I mean--

I mean, who would've thought--

Gee, little Janey Leighton.

Who expects an old school chum to be--

She's an old school--

Hi.

Rob, pull yourself together.

It's a logical mistake.

Yeah, Daddy, it was logical.

Yeah, it was.

Little Janey Leighton, oh, Janey, this is our son,

Ritchie.

Oh, he is darling.

Hi.

You know, I hope someday I have a boy just like you.

And I hope I have a girl like you.

Sit down, son.

Oh, he's adorable.

You don't have any children?

No, I'm not married yet.

You're not.

Gee whiz, how do you like--

I thought she would've been swept up years ago.

Well, I must admit there were quite a few willing to sweep,

but I wasn't quite ready.

I have a few things to do first.

Well, what are we standing here for?

Sit down, honey.

Well, Jane, what are you doing in New York?

Oh, well, you brought me here.

Don't you remember?

Me?

Well, of course, that letter that you wrote

convinced me that I ought to come to New York,

and, well, here I am.

There she is.

Well, I brought all my music, and I prepared

some material for auditions.

Oh, swell.

Well, I can see you two are going to talk business,

so if you'll excuse me, Ritchie and I have

a little hair washing schedule.

We do?

Yes, we do, darling.

Every time we have good company,

I have to get something washed.

That's enough of that, Rich.

You mind your mom.

Oh, Ms. Leighton, will I see you later?

Well, I have that dinner appointment,

so I'll just chat with Rob for a moment.

And then I'll be leaving.

Oh, good.

I mean, it's good that Rob came home early.

Rob, I'll be washing Ritchie's hair if you need me.

I won't need you, honey.

Well, goodbye, Ms. Leighton.

Nice meeting you.

Yes.

Well, how have you been, Janey?

Well, frustrated mainly.

Oh.

You know that television job that I

wrote you about that I've had for the last five years?

Oh, yeah, what is that exactly?

Well, it isn't very much.

I'm the singing weather girl on our local station.

Singing weather girl.

(SINGING) Get out in the sun, and have some fun.

The temperature today is 81.

Oh, I see.

Well, it's hardly the career I dreamed about.

I'm really surprised.

I thought you'd be doing a lot more than that by now.

You were the Mary Martin of Danville high school.

Don't remind me.

I feel like such a failure.

Rob, you do think I did the right thing in coming

to New York, don't you?

Well, it's hard to say, Janey, because there's a lot more

opportunity here, of course.

Of course, there are a lot more people to compete with.

Well, I'm not afraid of competition.

You're not?

No.

Rob, you will help me get some auditions, won't you?

Well, yeah, yeah, I guess I can.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, I've got to run now.

You know, a good house guest is never late for dinner.

Well, I'll set up an audition for our show,

sometime next week all right?

Oh, Rob, you don't know how much I appreciate this.

Oh, don't be silly.

It's the least I can do for the girl

who played Juliet to my Romeo.

Could you ever forget what a portrayal of Romeo I gave?

How could I forget you tripping over the balcony?

And right at the big moment, you were saying,

"good night, good night, parting is such sweet sorrow."

"But I must say good night till it be morrow."

Until Monday. ROBERT PETRIE: Until Monday.

JANE LEIGHTON: Good night, dear.

Goodnight.

Bye.

Bye.

How long you been standing there?

I came in during the sad goodbye scene.

Oh.

Oh, well, then you couldn't have known then.

Well, you came in at the worst possible moment.

We were reminiscing.

Is that what you call it?

Yeah, we played Juliet and Romeo together.

Aw, gee, it's too bad I missed the balcony scene.

No, in high school, we were talking about what

an unbelievable Romeo I was.

Little Janey seemed to believe you.

Honey, I'm surprised.

Do you think I could be interested in a girl

like Janey Leighton?

If you couldn't, I'd be disappointed in you.

You know you sound exactly like one of those wives

in a situation comedy.

I'm sorry, Rob.

You're right.

I don't think that you are interested in her.

I'm sure you're not.

I trust you.

It's that I realize that a handsome man like yourself

is bound to attract a certain number of coquettish women.

And I want you to know.

I understand this.

And if Ms. Leighton feels it's necessary to attempt

a flirtation with you, I'm not going to be one of those

screaming nagging wives.

I'll merely go up to her and quietly kill her.

Dinner is ready.

Honey, come here.

My vegetables are burning.

Oh, boy.

Honey.

Excuse me.

Honey, will you tell me what's wrong with helping

someone who has some talent?

What's so wrong?

If you don't know what's so wrong--

I don't.

All right.

All right.

What happens when you do someone a personal favor?

Now wait a minute, this is your explanation.

You tell me.

What happens when you do someone a personal favor?

That someone always feels she has to repay you,

and I just don't feel comfortable

about a beautiful single girl being

personally indebted to my personal husband.

And hand me the pepper, please.

Thank you.

Honey, what do you think I ought to do?

Fill the water glasses.

No, I mean about Jane.

Do whatever you feel is right.

She's your friend.

Now you're saying that I shouldn't help her.

I didn't say that.

Well, you're certainly not saying that I should help her.

I'm saying that you should do whatever you feel is right,

but bear in mind what I feel because what I feel

is a woman's feelings, something you couldn't possibly feel.

And whatever you feel you feel because of your feelings

which are a man's feelings.

I don't know what I'm talking about,

so do what you want and don't bother me.

Honey.

Hey, are you trying to tell me that you're insanely jealous?

Look I appreciate the fact that you're

so nuts about me and all that.

But, honey, believe me.

You're wrong about Jane.

She's a nice--

Hello.

Oh, hi.

No, you're not bothering us.

Oh, I forgot to get your phone number.

I did.

I got it.

I got it.

Well, can we talk over the songs Monday?

Oh, but that's very nice.

But listen, it's a pleasure.

I'm glad.

You don't have to do that.

I'd do it for anybody else you know who would--

well, that's ni-- well, OK, if you insist,

uh, 32 waist, 35C, 35, and 40 chest.

Thank you.

I try to keep trim.

OK, I'll see you Monday.

Bye.

That was--

I know who that was.

She wants to knit me a mole hair sweater.

That's adorable.

Probably ought to put a little more pepper in there.

I like a lot of pepper.

If you like seasoning, there's nothing like pepper.

I was right, Little Janey is a home wrecker.

A home wrecker, honey, what did she do?

Well, she started by ruining our chocolate pudding.

- Oh, hi, gang. - Oh, hi, Rob.

I'm glad you're all here.

I want you to meet somebody.

Jane, this is Sally Rogers.

Sally this is Janey Leighton an old friend of mine.

I'm happy to meet you, Sally.

Well, I'm very happy to know you, Janey.

So you don't happen to have any unmarried men in your family

do you?

Well, I have two half brothers.

Good, put them together, and I'll marry them.

Wait, they're a little young.

How young?

One is 15, and one's 13.

28, that ain't bad.

And this is Buddy Sorrell.

Hi, Buddy.

Hello, Janey.

Janey's from my hometown.

Hey, you're a nut to leave a hometown

that grows citizens like this.

Well, you're probably wondering

why I brought Janey in here.

No, we just figured you split up with your wife.

Well, I sure hope Janey isn't planning on joining our staff

because I have enough trouble getting attention around here

as it is.

Oh, don't worry, Sally, I'm not a writer.

As a matter of fact, I came to Rob because I'm

trying to find out what I am.

I'll tell you what you are.

You're a beaut.

I'll tell you what you are, you're married.

Shut up.

Hey, listen being married may tell a lot of things

but not my eyesight.

Janey knows that she's pretty.

She came here to get an opinion about her career.

Sit down, Jane.

Oh, thank you.

Did you want me for something, Rob?

Yeah, run down.

Get us three donuts and three cups of coffee.

We have a guest.

Oh, I'm sorry make that four donuts and four cups.

ROBERT PETRIE: Buddy.

Oh, wow, you must be the talented young lady

that Rob told me about?

I'm the lady, but I don't know how talented I am.

You're very talented, Janey.

You bet.

I'll give her a job, and I don't even know what she does.

Well, Jane, just sang for me down at the rehearsal hall,

and I was very impressed.

Oh, is that right?

Well, I'd like to hear her sing.

As a matter of fact, I have some time right now.

Well, I'd rather not do it now, now.

Why not?

Well, I'd like to work with Janey just

a little bit before she auditions.

Rob, doesn't think I'm getting all I can out of the song,

so he's volunteered to coach me.

Yes.

Well, how about a week from today we audition?

Well, that ought to be all right.

I'll check my calendar. - Good.

Rob, dear.

I'm sure we're taking up too much

of Mr. Cooley's valuable time.

I'll see you tonight?

Right.

Oh, may I escort you to the elevator Ms. Leighton?

Oh, why thank you.

Everyone here has been so nice to me.

I feel a little like Cinderella.

Bye, everyone.

Bye.

May I escort you to the elevator.

Oh, yes.

Everybody has been so sweet to me, my Prince Charming,

the mice, the pumpkins, and a tall handsome married man,

whose wife when she finds out that he's coaching Cinderella,

there's a little old magic wand to give him

a shot right onto the heart.

You're not really gonna coach that girl, are you, Rob?

- Sure, I am. - You're kidding.

Whose kidding?

You mean, you're gonna spend a couple

of weeks working with Rebecca Sunnybrook farm there?

More or less.

I don't think your wife is gonna be too

enthused about your new hobby.

Come on.

You guys know me better than that.

Hey, Rob, I don't wanna butt in,

but aren't you putting a bit of a strain on your marriage?

I think if I didn't work with Janey and help her out,

things could be worse.

Worse for who, you, Jane, or Laura.

Me, Jane, and Laura.

You're not saying it right.

It's me Jane, you Tarzan.

It is because I am a happily married

guy that I'm doing this thing, and Laura

will understand someday.

You mean she doesn't mind you spending

your evenings coaching?

Mind?

I'm lucky if she'll talk to me.

Now come on, honey.

You know very well that Jane doesn't mean anything to me.

I knew her in high school.

I never could find anything about her that

attracted or interested me.

Oh, well, maybe if you spend a little time with her

and look hard enough, you'll find something.

Laura, she is an old friend.

She carries her age beautifully.

Now wait.

Wait just a minute.

What would you say if I told you that my

helping Jane and working with her is not for her but for us?

Which us are you talking about,

you and I or she and you?

Come on.

She and I could never be an us.

You know that.

I don't know what I know.

I mean, you did tell her to come to New York.

I didn't tell her to come to New York.

I said if she came, I'd be glad to help her.

Honey, I've helped old friends before.

None of them had a figure like hers.

And none of them, including Jane, has a figure like yours.

Thank you.

All I know is she was in my house

five minutes before she was kissing my husband.

Now wait just a minute that was

a case of mistaken identity.

Well, maybe, but she certainly didn't fight very

hard to establish her identity.

She let you kiss her 10 seconds longer than she had to.

Rob, she's pushy, and I don't like pushy people.

Well, she's not gonna push me.

She's already pushed you into spending

all your evenings with her.

Honey, I'd like to discuss this further,

but I've gotta go.

To meet her.

Not to meet her, to work with her, so long.

I said so long.

What time will you be home?

Not late.

Honey, what will you do this evening?

Oh, slam doors, mumble, throw things, I'll keep busy.

Goodnight, Mr. Ziegfeld.

Are you all ready, Rob?

Oh, yeah, come on in, Mel.

Sit down.

Everybody, sit down.

All right.

OK.

I guess we're all set.

Well, I don't know what to tell you,

except that I've been working with Janey for less than a

week now.

And I think that she's very talented.

And I hope you agree with me. OK.

Jane.

Thank you, Rob.

Well, I don't have an accompanist, so I'll

just put this record on.

It's an instrumental.

I'll sing along with it.

There.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Just in time, I found you just in time.

Before you came, my time was running low.

I was lost.

The losing dice was tossed.

My bridges all were crossed, nowhere to go.

But now you're here.

And now I know just where I'm going, no more doubt or fear.

I've found my way.

For love came just in time.

I've found you just in time.

You changed my lonely life and lovely day.

Now you're here, and now I know just where I'm going,

no more doubt or fear.

I've found my way.

For love came just in time.

I've found you just in time.

You changed my lonely life and lovely day.

You changed my life and lovely day.

[applause]

Just excellent.

I want you to come to my office right now

and discuss an appearance on our show.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, Mr. Cooley, I don't know what to say.

Well.

I mean do you really think I can have a career.

Oh, I just knew I could do it.

I knew if I came to New York, I'd be able to prove my talent.

Right, well you certainly showed us--

Singing on, "the Alan Brady Show,"

I don't know how to thank you.

Well, now you don't have to thank me.

It's my job to find and develop new talent.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Cooley.

Oh, I can't tell you how kind you've been to me.

I don't think I'll ever be able to show you my gratitude.

I just hope I don't disappoint you.

You won't.

I'm sure you'll be just marvelous.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, friend, did I miss something?

You mean like the sound of a grateful young lady saying,

thank you, Rob, for all the hard work you did?

Rob, I hate to say this, but I think your old high school

chum is a bit of a rat.

You might say that.

I just did.

How can you be so happy about somebody

being so ungrateful to you?

I'm just happy my plan worked.

You mean, you planned to work with her

just so she could give you a brush off?

I wasn't sure that Mel would buy her that quickly

for the show, but I was sure she was

the kind of a girl who would never be eternally

grateful to me or to anybody.

Eternally grateful, she didn't even wave bye, bye.

Well, I knew that once she was on her way up,

she wouldn't bother me anymore.

Yeah, but aren't you kind of mad

that you made a star out of that rat?

Oh, hold it, Ziggy.

She's far from being a star.

Well, all right then.

Aren't you mad you made a starlette out of that ratlette?

ROBERT PETRIE: If I didn't help that ratlette,

then she would've been a big pain in the necklette.

She would have still been calling and pestering me

for help as it is.

In one short week, I got her out of my hair.

You mean out of Laura's.

No, it's gonna to take a few months

off shampooing to do that.

JANE LEIGHTON: (SINGING) You changed

my lonely life and lovely day.

You changed my life and lovely day.

Now you've got to admit she's good.

Well, if you hadn't spend all your time working with her,

I doubt that she'd be that good.

No, I don't think so.

But she would still be pestering and calling.

Now she'll just call to thank you and gush over you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

She hasn't just yet.

She will soon enough.

ANNOUNCER: Well, that's it ladies

and gentlemen, a new and exciting singing

discovery, Janey Leighton.

Come on out, Jane.

[applause]

Well, I don't know what to say.

Yes I do.

I want to thank someone, the person who made it all

possible, a sweet and gentle man whose help and understanding

I'll never forget.

I think your gusher is about to come in.

If he weren't married, I'd kiss him.

Mm-hmm.

JANE LEIGHTON: On second thought,

I think I'll take my chances.

I'm sure his wife will understand.

She will not.

Mel Cooley.

Mel Cooley.

Mel Cooley, will you come out here and let

me give you a great big kiss?

Oh, he's shy.

Isn't he darling?

There, for making it all possible.

Forgive me, Mrs. Cooley.

Forgive me, Mrs. Cooley.

Mel, Mel Cooley, all Mel did--

you were the one, darling--

you slaved with that girl for seven nights.

You had to watch me act like a jealous nut.

And she thinks--

I'm gonna call the studio, Rob.

I'm calling the studio right now,

and I'm going to talk to that girl.

I want you to talk to her.

Oh, boy, I hope I run into her some time again.

Would I love to tell her something.

She walks in here, takes advantage of you

just because you have a kind sweet understanding heart,

comes in here, kisses you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

[applause]

[theme music]

[theme music]