The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Man's Teeth Are Not His Own - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show, starring Dick Van Dyke,

Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Matthew,

and Mary Tyler Moore.

[door opening]

- Hi Rob. - You have that suitcase?

- Yeah, it's right over here. - Oh fine.

Are you sure you won't be needing it?

No, I'm not planning any getaways for a while.

Good.

Now Rob, I'll be at that dental convention for four days.

But as soon as I get back, you got to come and let me



work on those teeth of yours.

You've been putting it off long enough.

I was in six months ago.

It's been a year.

- Has it been that long? - It's been that long.

Well don't worry, I think my teeth will hang

on till you get back, anyway.

I don't even need any work.

Let me be the judge of that.

You may have grown them, but those teeth in your head

belong to me.

All right, I'll take good care of your teeth.

Have a good time at the convention.

Oh, I'm not going for a good time.



I'm going to listen to a lecture on prosthetics

and find out what's new in dentistry this year.

Boy, that's very dedicated of you, doctor.

How do you think I got to be the best dentist in the world?

You know something, you're always saying that.

How do you figure that you're the best

dentist in the whole world?

Simple logic.

I consider you one of the smartest and brightest

people in the world.

Oh, thank you kindly.

And who does your dental work?

You do.

See?

I know it was my idea originally,

but now I don't like it.

Why not?

Well there's no funny way to get into it.

I don't know, let's throw it out.

Yeah, I admit it's rotten, but we

ought to put it down on paper.

Why?

So we got something to tear up.

What, it's an easy way to get into it.

Alan goes to a concert and he got a piece of candy.

Now it's very quiet.

He don't know he got a cavity in his tooth.

He takes one bite in the candy-- oo!

Let's out a yowl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bet then he stands up and he says, I just broke a tooth,

is there a professor of philosophy in the house?

And some guy stands up and says, if you

just broke a tooth, why do you need a professor of philosophy?

And Alan says, because I just broke a wisdom tooth!

[laughter]

Then we go right into a dentist routine.

I still don't know about it.

No look, no-- no toothache sketch.

Why, what's funnier than a tooth ache?

Well, I don't know.

People get squeamish when you do that kind of pain for them.

We can do a sketch about pain, but let's do something funnier

than a toothache.

I think toothaches are very funny.

What's funnier than that?

An itch.

A tooth itch?

No.

No, Alan gets this itch right the middle of his back,

and he can't scratch it.

Yeah, that could be good.

Say-- say that he's a concert pianist.

Yeah? Yeah?

Right in the middle of a recital

he gets that itch right between his shoulder blades.

Good, good, good. Do-- do it-- do it--

Rob.

Do it.

[playing piano]

[applause]

Good, good.

Funny, funny.

Wait, I got it.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Play it again, play it again. - Why?

Watch, I'm the conductor.

The conductor notices the itch and he tries to help him out.

[playing piano]

[singing]

How was that?

Well, it could be good.

What do you mean it could be good?

I still like the toothache.

Better than the itch?

With the itch.

A concert pianist with a toothache and an itch.

Yeah, I don't know if that would work.

Ow! Ow!

Yeah, yeah.

Right there.

Go ahead, scratch, scratch.

[moaning]

Don't tell me that isn't funny!

That's hysterical.

Open the piano with the itch.

[interposing voices]

Yeah, that's good.

Hey, that's hilarious.

That's good, that's good Rob.

Oh, that's beautiful.

That's wonderful.

I hope all this laughter is the result of a sketch

you've written for Alice?

Yeah, yeah it's a pain sketch.

Hey, not that he knows what's funny,

but let's show blubber nose how we got into it.

Here you are, right here.

Here, here, show hi how you did the bit.

Get into the bit with a sandwich.

What bit, I broke my tooth on that sandwich!

[laughter]

You broke your teeth on white meat of chicken on white bread?

That's very amusing.

I'm not being amusing, I broke my tooth on that sandwich.

Why didn't I listen to my dentist?

Alan does that kind of sketch very well, yes.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Either Rob is a fantastic actor, or he's crying real tears.

You-- you mean this isn't part of the sketch?

No, but this bone is part of the chicken.

Wow, he broke his tooth on a bone?

I don't think he broke it on the mayonnaise.

Oh!

Are you in pain, Rob?

Rob, is there anything we can do?

[mumbles]

No, wait, wait, I'll get something.

Hey Rob, try putting your head between your legs.

There, that's good, that's good.

Oh, that's bad.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Rob, here, take this.

It'll relieve the pain.

[moaning]

Did you give him ice water.

[yells]

Leave it to him.

He's the kind of guy, he see you drowning

he'll throw you an anchor.

Rob, I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't even think about it being cold.

Rob, Rob, shouldn't we call your dentist or something?

Yes.

Call Jerry and see if he can take me right away.

OK.

Oh wait, I forgot.

He's at the convention till Monday.

Oh.

Would you like to try my cousin, Irving?

He's across town, but can help you.

Is he any good?

Is he good?

Why he's so good, he's lecturing at the-- oh,

the same convention.

I forgot, I'm sorry.

Sally, how about your dentist?

Oh he's wonderful!

He's handsome, he's single, and he's a wonderful dancer.

How about teeth?

Yeah, he's got teeth.

He's in pain and you're making jokes.

Well, he's too far anyway, he's in Connecticut.

Well, what about Dr. Bardhoffen?

Alan and I both use him, I'll call Marge.

Thank you.

Hey Rob, isn't there something I can Do

Mama!

Oh Sally, this is awful.

What do we do?

Well, I think he'd appreciate it if you

took the chair off his foot.

Right, Rob?

Come on, come on, come on, Rob.

Come on.

I'll take you.

Well, it looks fine, Darling, it really does.

[mumbles]

What did you say?

It's only temporary.

He's going to finish on Monday. - Temporary?

It looks permanent.

Boy it does, doesn't it?

You know something, Honey, I hate to admit it,

but this dentist is a whiz.

You like him better than Jerry?

Well no, Jerry's a good dentist.

I have nothing against his work at all.

That's the difference-- you see, one of them is a worker.

The other one is an artist.

What makes you think he's an artist?

Well, he's got his wall covered with his own paintings,

he plays the violin.

While he's working on your teeth?

No, while the hygienist is working on your teeth.

I tell you, Honey, he's an artist.

Well that may be, Darling.

But the artist is a stranger and the worker is a friend.

Oh, don't think I wasn't suffering

a guilty conscience the whole time

I was sitting in that chair.

If Jerry knew that his neighbor was getting

his teeth worked on by some other dentist,

I think he'd probably die.

Oh, Darling, I don't think so.

After all, this was an emergency.

Jerry was out of town and there was nothing else you could do.

He'll understand.

Oh yeah.

I know he'll understand about the emergency.

But I'm just wondering if he's going to understand

about this other one. - What other one?

That one.

Did he do that too?

Yeah.

It needed doing, but I could easily have waited for Jerry.

Why didn't you?

Well, I don't know.

I was sitting there in the chair and my big mouth open.

I thought I might as well let him drill away.

And that's why you have a guilty conscience?

Well yeah, Honey, wouldn't you?

I mean, after all, Jerry's not only my neighbor,

he's my friend.

And he was my dentist.

Was your dentist?

Well, yeah, Honey, how can I go sit in his chair

now and let him look in my mouth?

He'll see those two strange teeth in there

and he's going to be hurt.

Well, Darling, I go to my own dentist

and Jerry doesn't seem hurt about that.

Well, that's because he knows you've been going to him

since you were a teenager.

Besides that, he's your uncle.

Oh, Darling.

Professional men aren't petty about things like that.

I mean, after all, my uncle isn't upset

that you and Rich go to Jerry.

Of course not.

But you know Jerry, he's sensitive.

He'd think he's the best dentist in the whole world.

Well, he is good.

Honey, I don't know what to do.

Jerry's due back here Monday, he's expecting me

over there for a checkup.

Well the only thing to do is just go to him and tell him.

Tell him I went to another dentist?

Be like telling him I'm not his friend anymore.

You didn't tell Millie that I busted the tooth, did you?

No, why?

Well I was thinking maybe we could kind of sound her out,

see how maybe she thought Jerry would react to this.

All right, I'll ask her for coffee tonight.

Yeah, good.

No, wait a minute.

Instead of inviting her over for coffee, let's pack up

and move away.

Butter cookie?

Oh, can I have two?

You can have 2 and 1/2 if you wish.

Oh, goody.

I get so hungry when Jerry's away.

Uh, Mil, how-- when's Jerry-- when's Jerry due back?

Sunday night.

He's got a lot of patients due in on Monday.

Oh good, good.

What's good?

Well, I mean it's--

it's good that he's got an awful lot of patients.

He's-- he's got a fine practice there.

Well, why not?

He's only the best dentist in the civilized world.

Yeah he sure-- he sure is.

Mil, how does-- how does a guy like-- like Jerry feel when

he-- you know, who is a good dentist-- and when say,

a friend, or a neighbor, or somebody like that who knows

how great a dentist he is, but who doesn't use his syrup,

service.

You know you know what I mean?

Rob, you don't have to be uncomfortable with me.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Is there any more coffee?

Oh, there's coffee.

I wanted some more.

I got coffee.

Mil, I don't-- I don't think you know what I mean.

Rob, you don't have to play coy with me.

I know exactly what you're getting at.

You do?

How could you?

Well, you want to know if Jerry's

upset because Laura doesn't go in for a dental work, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's-- I meant that.

Is he?

Oh, heavens no.

He knew Laura had a dentist long before we all met.

So it doesn't upset him if a friend goes to another dentist?

Oh, of course not.

Now, he'd be very upset if you left your dentist

and went to him just because we're friends.

I mean, Jerry believes you should go to a dentist

because you have confidence in him.

Not because he's a friend or a relative.

Well, I wouldn't go to my uncle

if I weren't happy with him.

Well, of course you wouldn't.

No, you know, Jerry may make a lot of noise about how good

he is.

But he understands that kind of loyalty people

have for their dentists.

I mean just like your uncle understands the kind of loyalty

that Rob has for Jerry.

Now Rob, you wouldn't leave Jerry and go to Laura's uncle?

Why would I go to Laura's nickle.

Unckus!

I wouldn't leave Jerry to go to--

I wouldn't leave Laura to go to Jerry's uncle.

I wouldn't go to--

I know what you mean, here, Mil.

Yeah, you don't leave the best dentist in the world.

Even for an uncle, you don't leave him.

No siree.

So nobody ever left him?

Oh, they don't leave Jerry unless they pack up

and move away.

I guess Jerry's the kind of guy who'd just

move right after them anyway.

Well, he would if he could.

You know how loyal he is.

Will you listen to me talking about that Joker

as if I liked him after that rat went to a convention

and left me at home?

That's, boy, that is rotten.

Isn't that rotten?

Boy, to do a thing like that?

You know, just for I ought to quit him.

I'll quit him.

Oh, hey, listen, would you hate me if I took this coffee

and ran?

Jerry said he'd call me at 8:00.

Oh sure, Millie, we understand.

OK I'll bring the cup back tomorrow.

Good.

While you're at it, bring back the other six, will you?

Yeah, I forgot.

Listen, is there anything you want me to tell Jerry?

Yeah, you tell that--

you tell him I quit him him, that's-- like a rat.

That'll be the day!

Well, what are your plans now?

Jerry or Dr. Bardhoffen?

I wish I knew.

Boy, as somebody once said, the man's home may be his castle.

But very often his teeth are not his own.

Here's the silverware, Honey.

Rob!

Can you calm down?

How can I calm down?

Any minute, Jerry is going to walk right through that door.

Oh look, the silverware is all dirty.

Let's call off the brunch.

Oh Rob, really, look Jerry's been back in town for a week

now.

You can't avoid him forever.

Who's trying to avoid him forever?

I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out

a way to tell him about those strange inlays

on his back molars.

Darling, those are your back molars.

According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.

Honey, call him, tell him I don't feel well.

Oh, I'm not going to lie to our friends.

Who is lying?

I feel awful!

Why did I have to bust that tooth?

Oh, there they are.

Honey, what are we going to talk about?

What do you mean, what are we going to talk about?

Well let's-- let's pick some serious subjects like famine,

and drought, and pestilence.

Why?

Well, I don't want to have to smile.

Well Honey, you know how a dentist is.

If a girl comes in a bikini, he looks at her teeth first.

You know, for a bright man, you--

Hi, Laura.

Come on in.

Mm, something smells good.

Oh, that's-- that's me, Honey.

New shaving lotion.

Hiya, stranger.

Well I haven't seen you for a long time.

Hey, do you owe me some money or something?

No, I've been very busy.

How are you, Jer?

Fine, fine.

Enough of this small talk.

Where's the food?

It's in the kitchen.

Look, why don't you two try to figure out

how to save the world, a Millie and I

will make mushroom omelets.

Well, that seems fair.

Shall I put some onions in yours, Jerry?

What, and ruin the effect of this great shaving

lotion that I'm wearing?

Yeah, I forgot.

Boy, if you weren't married--

Oh, boy that Millie.

You know, for a wife, she's pretty cute.

Yeah, she certainly is.

Hey, does she look cuter to you, too, or is

it just that I've been away last week?

Well, it's probably just that new dress she's wearing.

Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone.

I heard a couple of jokes at the convention I got to tell you.

Come on, sit down. - Uh, Jer, I--

I don't think we ought to be telling jokes right now.

Haven't you been reading the papers?

What, what?

Well, there's a lot of famine, and drought, and pestilence.

Where?

Well it's around, a lot of it going around, Jer.

Hey, Rob.

You're a funny guy.

How you been, Jerry, working yourself to death, I suppose.

I've been busier than a centipede's

mother trying to diaper a baby while putting her shoes on.

I heard that one at the convention.

Funny?

[laughing]

Rob, you're not laughing right.

Is there something wrong with your mouth?

No! Well no, I was--

I was licking an envelope.

I got a paper cut in there.

That can be very painful.

Let me have a look at you.

No!

No, You've been pretty busy, Jerry.

Yeah, listen-- it's really piling up on me.

All at work, you know, since I went away to the convention

the patients have just piled up.

Oh gee, that's-- that's great, Jer.

Oh, thank you.

You know something, maybe-- maybe

you've got too many patients.

Oh, well that's the price you pay for being talented.

True, that's-- that's true.

But you oughtn't be working that hard.

You know, it's your leisure time.

I think it's not fair to Millie and the kids.

Can you come up with a solution?

Well, I don't know.

There-- there might be one.

- I know what you're thinking. - Hm?

Yeah, you're thinking I ought to bring in another man,

a young dentist.

Well, that's-- that's an idea.

Yeah.

Ah, it would never work, Rob.

Would you accept somebody else working on your teeth?

Well, Jer, if-- if you said.

I mean, if it was--

Yeah, yeah, you say.

But I can just hear you now.

I can just hear you--

Hey, Jer, what's the matter?

You getting too big to work on my teeth?

No!

Jer, I'd never say that.

I'd never-- well, if I were-- if I was as busy as you are,

I can understand why you might give

up one or two of your patients.

Why don't you consider that?

Never.

You-- you wouldn't give up one of your patients?

Well not unless they packed up and--

Moved away.

Right.

My patients come to me because they have faith in me.

They're loyal.

How do you think they'd feel if I suddenly told them

I was too busy to treat them?

Listen, loyalty works two ways Rob, you know that.

Yeah.

Hey, Rob, what's the matter with you?

Really, I mean is something bothering you

besides that cut on your lip?

What?

No, what could be bothering me, Jerry?

I don't know.

Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy.

I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.

Well, Jerry, it's the famine, and drought, and pestilence.

I just don't see any particular reason for any smiling, Jerry,

that's all.

Hey you girls, how's that food coming out there?

Right through the door.

Why don't you fellas start on this?

The rest will be made in a minute.

Say Rob, listen.

If you really want to help out a friend,

you can do me a big favor.

Oh, what's that, Jer?

Well, you know, your check up, your regular check

up is way overdue.

Remember I told you it would be the next Monday night?

Monday?

Is that so, Monday?

Well, you want me to cancel it?

I'd be happy to cancel it if you want me to.

Well, as a matter of fact, I'd appreciate it.

Huh?

You would?

I mean, you would?

Listen, buddy, you consider it canceled.

Whatever you want, it's done.

Can I butter you a roll or something?

No, no thanks.

But-- but you can let me check on your teeth this afternoon.

Huh?

Well, I'd like to catch up on some of my backlog.

You-- you want to check them now?

Yeah, well if you're not planning anything.

We could go right next door and I'll examine your teeth,

X-ray them, and clean them.

Well no, Jer.

It's your day off. It's your day off.

No sir, it's your leisure day.

I'm not--

Well listen, Rob, I'll work leisurely.

I'll put on a new comedy album I just got.

What do you say, Rob, right after brunch.

You'd really help me out, huh?

Look I'd-- I'd--

I'd love to help you out.

But I think Laura was planning something a little later.

Foods on!

Honey--

Laura, were you planning anything for today?

Not a thing, Jer.

Wonderful!

Well what'd you have in mind, because I can set

my hair in about five minutes.

Ah, relax, Honey.

I just thought as long as Rob and Laura

had nothing planned I'd get Rob in the chair

and catch up on my work.

Oh, that's awfully nice of you, Rob.

Isn't that nice of Rob?

Rob's so nice?

How have your teeth been, Rob?

Any sensitivities?

Well no, not at the moment.

I mean, they're perfect.

They're absolutely-- I don't know why you're checking them,

they're so good.

Well, we'll check them just to make sure.

I probably did too good a job on you last time.

All right, open.

Check the top, first.

They look-- they look fine, Rob.

They look fine?

They're not fine.

They're very sensitive when I eat anything.

Like this high tooth, when I touch it.

Oo, oo. Look at that, when I touch it.

They're very sensitive. You better x-ray them.

Take your time.

You know, x-ray it, will you?

All right.

Rob, I'll check them all.

You know, you're very funny, but let's play later.

All right, let me see now.

Oh these look pretty solid here.

Oh good, thanks, Jer.

Rob, I'm not through with you.

Will you open your mouth, please?

OK.

Wider!

That's it.

There doesn't seem to be anything wrong here.

Well, we'll x-ray them just to make sure.

OK, we can do it, Monday, huh?

I'll come back--

Wait a minute, Rob, wait a minute.

You don't want to open your mouth and I know why.

Why?

You're using me to work out a dental sketch for your show.

Huh, huh, well, you-- you found me out, didn't you, Jer.

Yeah. Now come on, Rob.

Sit down. Sit down.

Let me check you bicuspids.

Bi-- bicuspids.

Is that-- is that my molars?

Your back teeth.

My-- my bicuspids are fine.

But-- screw em, Jerry.

I've never been so good in my bicuspids.

Not in years. They're--

Come on, Rob.

Enough of that.

What's with you?

All right.

All right, I'll tell you what's with me.

Jerry-- Jerry--

I'm-- I'm a louse.

A louse?

Yeah, I don't know what else you'd

call a person who'd do the disloyal and rotten thing

I did.

What disloyal and rotten thing?

Would you like to see what rotten and disloyal--

I'll show you what rotten and disloyal thing I did.

Look at that!

What are you trying to show me?

[mumbling]

What?

I said I went to another dentist

and let him work on my teeth.

You what?

You heard me!

I went to another dentist and I let him work on my teeth.

Now don't tell me I'm not a louse!

Well, why did you feel you had to go to another dentist?

I broke this tooth there.

I went to another guy and had him work on it.

Oh, I see.

When did this happen.

Well-- well, while you were out of town.

Boy, oh boy, when the cat's away.

Ho- ho!

Now don't tell me that's not disloyal.

Well there's nothing so disloyal about attending

to an emergency.

That's your opinion of it, Jerry.

Boy, that's not the way I look at it.

That was disloyal.

All I know is, I went to a strange guy,

and I let him work on my-- on you teeth.

Rob, it was an accident.

What accident?

I broke a little tooth, what's that?

You needed immediate help.

Oh, I could have waited, Jerry.

You-- you had no choice, Rob.

I had plenty of--

I could have suffered a little till you got back.

Boy, the least thing you can do it for a friend.

That was an emergency.

Oh, OK, OK.

That was an emergency.

But how I like that--

[mumbling] work on that?

You let him work on another tooth?

Yeah, now you see what I mean.

You see what kind-- rip them out, Jerry.

All of them.

Just rip them out.

Everything out of my mouth.

Just leave me my tongue so I can curse myself, Jerry.

All right, Rob, now just take it easy.

Let me have a look at them.

Just take it easy.

I [mumbling] killing me.

Rip them out, Jerry, they're killing me.

Killing you?

Why they look fine. - Yeah.

- That's beautiful work, Rob. - Yeah.

That's just exactly what's killing me.

Boy, to you think that I'd even consider going to a dentist

just because he's a violinist.

A violinist?

Yeah, he's a great violinist.

I'm never going to him again, Jerry.

I mean never.

There's a lot of other things in life

more important than a great dental violinist.

Rip-- Jerry, rip them out.

All of them.

Rob, close your mouth.

I'm not going to touch those teeth.

Well, I don't blame you, Jerry.

You're mad because I let another dentist touch them.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm not going to touch them, because the dentist

who prepared the tooth for the inlay should finish the job.

Forget that.

I want you to finish them.

You let me explain to Dr. Bardhoffen.

Bardhoffen?

Oh, he's a fine man.

Yeah, so what?

I still shouldn't have gone to him.

That's all.

Well, listen, Rob.

You did the only thing you could in an emergency.

I'm just glad you went to him and had your teeth fixed.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You mean, you're--

you're not mad at me?

I'm not mad at you.

I mean, I would be, but you're so busy being

mad at yourself that I can't.

Well-- you forgive me?

Yeah, I forgive you.

Well, you-- do you like Dr. Bardhoffen?

I think he's a great dentist.

But I wouldn't go to him.

Well why wouldn't you?

I can't stand violin music.

Jerry, you know something?

You're a great guy.

You know, I'll tell you one thing.

From now on every tooth in my whole head, in my whole body,

belongs to you.

Put her there.

OK, Rob.

It's all right.

Gee, I feel like I want to buy something.

That's all right, no.

You want to drill my teeth?

That's all right.

How about a little x-ray, Jerry?

All right, let the champion roll.

How about some quick energy, champ?

Thank you.

All right.

You may turn the timer over.

Right.

Oh, I see see [inaudible] a five letter word right away.

F-R-E-E-P. Freep.

Freep, what's that?

That's a baby frope.

Oh, Rob!

Hurry up, the time's running out.

I'm just kidding.

They don't call me champ for nothing.

Here's a word for you.

Oh boy.

Oh boy's two words, and you don't have a b.

Rob, what is it?

I think our champ just jumped out a temporary inlay, right?

Jerry, can you do it?

Sure, sure.

Rob, if you want to come next door,

I'll cement it in for you.

Even if it's Dr. Bardhoffen's inlay.

Oh, he'd do the same for a patient of mine.

He would-- Jerry, he's a great guy.

I know, I know.

He's got a great record collection

and he's a great violinist.

That's right, Jerry.

But you've got something he's never going to have.

An office next door?

That's it.

[applause]

[theme music]