The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 14 - Somebody Has to Play Cleopatra - full transcript
Rob's relaxing day off changes when Laura tells him that Mrs. Billings is stopping by to see him. That can only mean Mrs. Billings wants his professional skills to organize another community fund-raising show, which Rob doesn't want to do again if only because of the hardship it was to do last year. Rob remembers back to that situation which was made all the more difficult in trying to cast Cleopatra for a comedy sketch, especially against a seemingly amorous Harry Rogers as Mark Antony. But as Mrs. Billings stops by, she may surprise Rob in her reason for the visit.
[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
ROB: Hey, is that a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on
Thank you.
You know, if you keep looking that good in the morning,
I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.
Or, uh, maybe a weekly news magazine.
Darling, are you in a good mood?
I am now.
Well, then, I guess it's safe for me to tell you
that Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
Oh, that's nice.
Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
Mrs. Billings.
Honey.
Is there a new Mrs. Billings in our neighborhood,
or is this the Mrs. Billings who ran the amateur variety
show last year?
It's the same Mrs. Billings.
That's what I thought.
And I'll see you around.
Rob, where are you going?
Wherever there's no Mrs. Billings.
Under no circumstances will I write
and direct another amateur variety show this year.
And you may tell Mrs. Billings that.
Darling, she didn't say anything
about you doing the show again.
Yeah, I can just hear, (HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you.
I don't know how you writers get your wonderful ideas.
[laughing]
Absolutely not.
Well, darling, if you do turn her down, you'll do it gently,
won't you?
No.
Turning her down gently is how I ended up doing the variety show
last year.
Boy, this year when she says, Mr. Petrie,
would you do our show this year?
I'm going to answer her with a three letter word.
Yes?
N-O-- exclamation point.
[inaudible]
Can't you forget about last year?
No, I want to remember last year.
I don't want to forget it.
So that next year, I don't have to remember this year.
Darling, it wasn't that bad.
It wasn't that bad?
You had some fun doing it, but you don't remember, do you?
You don't remember how I came home that day.
I do.
Oh, boy, do I remember.
I remember coming home that evening
to find that Mrs. Billings' group was holding
a meeting in our living room.
And behind my back, I had been elected chairman.
I can still hear Mrs. Billings gushing.
Good evening, Mr. Petrie.
Sit down, Harvey.
Now just make yourselves comfortable, everybody,
and we'll get started in a moment.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, I saw your show the other night.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, you can't win them all, can you?
I'm-- I'm sorry.
Oh!
Oh, I don't blame you, Mr. Petrie.
No.
I could have turned it off.
My husband said, why don't you turn it off?
And I said, no, it's going to get better.
But it didn't, did it?
Can we bring the meeting to order, please?
That's a very good idea.
I have a very large agenda.
That's wonderful.
All right.
I will call the committee, uh, meeting to order now.
First of all, I would like to entertain a motion--
How about a Hawaiian hula?
Now, there's an entertaining motion.
Oh.
Thanks a lot.
Mr. Chairman.
Mrs. Billings.
First, I think we ought to consider ways
of raising money this year.
Very well.
I will throw the floor open for suggestions.
Yes, Millie? - Mr. Chairman.
Yeah, Mil.
Mildred Helper, 146 Bonnie Meadow Road.
Yeah.
I'd like to make a motion.
Well, all right.
Go ahead.
MILLIE: How about a boat ride up the Hudson?
It could be a lot of fun.
Well, we did it four years ago.
And everybody had an awfully good time until the water
got a little rough.
And some of the younger children got seasick.
And a few of the fathers were hanging over the side.
How about a cake sale?
Well, we'll-- we'll take that under consideration.
[gasping]
Uh, Mrs. Billings. - I've got it.
I've got it.
And really it's so obvious, I don't
know how we overlooked it.
Do you realize how much local talent
we have in our own group?
Why, I bet we have enough talent to put on a Broadway show.
Mrs. Billings, Broadway doesn't have enough talent
to put on a Broadway show.
Oh, Rob, listen.
Mrs. Billings is right. We could do it.
And the few of us here who can't sing and dance-- well,
we could paint the scenery.
Uh, well, listen.
We have great comedians here.
Take Millie, for instance.
Have you ever seen her impressions?
She's terrific. Come here, Millie.
Millie, give them your impression of Jimmy Cagney.
Go ahead.
(IMPERSONATING JIMMY CAGNEY) You dirty rat, you.
You gave it to my brother.
And my brother gave it to your brother.
And your brother gave it to me.
And it was running all over the house.
It was a dirty rat.
[applause]
Hey, wait a-- wait a minute.
Now, listen, honey, wait a minute.
Do Wallace Beery.
No, hold it. Hold it.
I-- we don't have time for Wallace Beery.
All right.
Well, maybe later we'll do that.
- OK. - Yeah, honey?
Uh, Mrs. Honey?
Uh, Laura.
Mr. Chairman, I think the variety show is a great idea.
Yeah!
[chatter]
Well, everybody, not just because it was my idea,
but I do think it was brilliant. - Yeah.
Yes.
We could all-- [banging gavel]
Can we have it quiet just for a moment as the chairman?
Folks, uh, a show is not an easy thing to put on.
Now, the average person doesn't practice law
until he's had an education.
A-- a doctor doesn't-- doesn't treat a patient until at least
he's served an internship.
Everybody thinks that show business is easy.
Well, I want to tell you something.
It isn't.
Oh, we're all adults enough to expect a few problems,
Robbie-boy. - Sure.
A few prob-- we haven't got enough talent
here to put on a bad show.
[grumbling]
Now, look, who-- who are you going to put in charge?
You've got to have somebody with actual show
business experience.
You've got writing.
You've got staging.
You've got production and direction.
We don't have anyone like that in this organization.
I happen to be the only one here whose profession
is actually show business.
And if I was going to put on a--
how many were actually sick on that boat ride last year?
I nominate Rob Petrie to be in charge of our variety show.
I second it.
Honey, what are you doing to me?
Oh, darling, it's for a good cause.
And you said yourself, you're the only one
who can put on a show. - I lied.
I lied.
All those in favor, say, aye.
Aye!
[applause]
Congratulations, Mr. Petrie.
And now that you're head of the whole show, what can
we do to make your job easier?
Impeach me.
Oh.
Can I rehearse my number again?
Can I? - Well.
Oh, all right.
Fellas?
Let's take it once again.
Oh, thank you, darling.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Cleopatra was [inaudible] so beautiful,
and she had certain spark.
All famous men she swayed.
When love came, she played.
Beauty never fades.
So Cleo made her mark.
Antoni.
Everybody.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
[inaudible].
(SINGING) Romeo and Juliet, when they say [inaudible] met,
they chose balcony C. [inaudible] same thing,
you see, in the balcony of each movie show.
Guess you know what I mean.
Ask any usher.
True, [inaudible], true.
That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
Hup, hey, [inaudible].
(SINGING) In my suburbia housewife-urbia,
I'm busy as a bee.
I drive the kids to school, dig a swimming pool,
work just like a fool, husband-- what a help he is.
He plays the golf.
And I'm teed off.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual--
the truly factual-- that is the actual fact.
[applause]
Honey, maybe just one more time from the top.
It needs a little polishing, and then it'll be fine.
- Honey, look. - Just once more.
You have been through it five times now.
We've got to move on.
Look, let's try the Cleopatra sketch.
We haven't even touched that yet.
Uh, give me, uh, Millie Helper and Harry Rogers, please.
Ah. All set, Rob.
Hey, is it good, Rob? I haven't seen it yet.
Yeah, it's very good. It's funny.
Sit down. Will you?
Harry, we're going to take it from the part
where Mark Antony comes home from Rome,
and, uh, Cleopatra pretends to be very
cold towards him, all right? - All right.
Uh, where's Millie?
Oh, she's right in there getting ready, Rob.
Hey, Millie. It's just a rehearsal.
It doesn't have to be perfect. Come on.
That's fine.
That's just fine, Mil.
All right.
Well, would you folks, uh, leave-- let us have the sofa
there? - Oh, why, certainly.
Thank you.
Come on, Harvey.
Go ahead.
Oh, she's going to look divine.
Just make yourself comfortable there.
OK.
Now I guess we're all set.
Hey, uh, Rob, am I going to get to wear a toga?
Oh, yeah. We'll get you a toga, Harry.
And do I wear a helmet?
Yeah, we'll get you a nice helmet.
Hey.
Rob, I was thinking maybe I would, you know,
sort of get in the mood of the thing.
Like, if I just sort of wore this over the shoulder
like that.
Oh, gee, that's fine.
- Like a toga, huh? - Yeah.
Good. - All right.
OK.
Now you make your entrance, Harry.
All right. Where do I come from?
Rome, Harry.
All right.
No.
I mean, what room?
Oh.
Well, uh, make your entrance from up
behind the bricks there. - All right.
That'll be good.
Uh, Miss Harding, would you make a note of that?
Harry Rogers will enter from upstage left.
Upstage left.
Mhm.
OK.
Action.
Harry?
Harry?
Yeah, Rob?
Uh, I said action.
Yeah.
When I say action, that means you have to come on out.
Oh. Oh.
Not now.
Will you go on back there, and wait until I say action?
- Yeah. - No.
I mean, wait.
Go back and wait until I--
I say the word, Harry.
Action.
Good, good, good.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted--
at last, I have a-Rome from 'rrived.
Harry.
I'm-- I'm sorry, Rob.
I'll get [inaudible]
Hey, wait a minute, Rob. I like it.
- Jerry, please. - No, listen.
It'll get a bigger laugh that way.
A-Rome from 'rrived. That's funny.
Jerry, will you, please, sit down?
OK. I think it's funny.
Don't you? - OK.
Uh, Harry, take it again, will you?
- Sure. - W-- no, no.
Not clear back to Rome, just-- - Oh.
Take--
Ah, Cleo--
We-- we'll go past that, Harry.
Just take it from your cue, uh, arrived from Rome.
Arrived from Rome. - Oh.
Oh.
Uh, uh-- arrived from Rome.
Mark Antony pray tell, how are things in Rome?
You see?
I told you she could do Wallace Beery.
Oh, [inaudible].
Incidentally, uh, Millie, his name
isn't Mark Antony Pray Tell.
It's Mark Antony, pray tell, uh, how are things in Rome?
Go ahead.
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Rotten.
And how about you, Mark Antony?
I hear you have been unfaithful to me.
Is this true?
The truth is written on my lips.
Where?
I don't see nothing written there.
Come closer, Cleopatra.
Good. Good.
Now hold the kiss.
The longer you hold the kiss, the funnier it's going to be.
It ain't that funny, Rob.
Keep holding, kids.
I don't like it, Rob.
All right. Uh, all right.
Now, say your line, Harry.
Did you read my message?
Not yet.
I'm a slow reader.
That's the punchline.
That's it.
I-- I don't think it's very funny, Rob.
Can-- can I see you alone privately?
Huh?
I want to see you in the kitchen privately, Rob.
All right.
Uh, take a coffee break, kids.
We'll try it again in five minutes.
Shall we work on it while they're gone?
MILLIE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
Uh, no, no. No more rehearsal.
It's, uh-- it's a coffee break.
You heard the director.
Drink coffee, Millie.
Rob.
Jerry, what's the matter with you?
I'll get right to the point, Rob.
I-- I don't want Millie playing the part of Cleopatra.
Why not?
Well, uh, she's-- she's too short.
Cleopatra was short.
Well, then, she's too tall.
I just don't want her playing the part.
Why not?
Well, uh, she's not good enough.
What are you talking about, Jerry?
She's great. - Well, that's just it.
That's it. She'll be discovered.
She'll become a big Broadway star.
I can kiss my happy home life goodbye.
She's not quite that good, Jerry.
Well, then why-- why waste your time?
Get somebody who can become a big Broadway star.
Now, look, Rob.
I don't want her playing the part.
And I just don't want to talk about it.
Jerry, are you upset because another man
is kissing your wife?
No, I'm not.
I'm upset because my wife is kissing another man.
Oh, Jerry.
He-- he's giving her a-- a stage kiss.
Well, let him go kiss a stage.
I just don't want him kissing my wife.
Look.
They hardly know each other at all.
They're practically strangers, Jerry.
Not anymore, Buddy.
HARRY: The truth is written on my lips.
MILLIE: I don't see nothing written there.
HARRY: Come closer, Cleopatra.
Stop rehearsing in there.
You're supposed to be drinking coffee, Millie.
Drink!
See?
Jerry.
Look, Jerry.
It doesn't mean anything to Millie.
And it means nothing to Harry Rogers.
Well, it means something to me.
He's an actor kissing an actress.
It's-- it's theatre art.
Mhm.
It's the mother of my children kissing the father
of somebody else's children.
And it's not art.
It's disgusting.
They-- they're doing it for the PTA.
It's a good cause.
Well, you wouldn't let your wife do it.
Oh, of course I would.
Then it's settled. Millie's out.
Laura's in. - All right.
All right.
Millie is out, and Laura is in.
Oh, boy.
Rob, do you really have enough guts to let your wife
get kissed by hang lip Harry?
Yes, I have.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
At last, I've a-Rome from 'rrived.
Harry.
Arrived-- arrived from-- what'd I say?
Well, that's all right.
I'll-- I'll-- once I get the hamlet on.
Helmet, Harry.
Ah, there.
All right.
Ah, Cleopatra.
We-- we'll-- we'll take a pass [inaudible]..
Just go off-- uh, honey, will-- uh, will you take the cue?
- Yeah. - Pick him up.
All right.
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Rotten.
And what about you, Antony?
I hear you've been unfaithful to me.
Is this true?
The truth is written on my lips.
Where?
I see nothing written there.
Come closer, Cleopatra.
Uh.
Kids.
Laura, Harry?
Yeah?
Uh, kids, I've got a great idea.
You know what would be funnier than kissing, really?
Shaking hands.
What?
[inaudible].
Hey, uh, Rob.
Huh?
I think-- I think kissing is funnier.
Yeah, me, too.
I mean, watch.
Watch how we do this.
Did you read my message?
You see?
The kiss is funnier, Rob.
I am the director.
And I will decide what is funnier.
Laura, may I see you in the kitchen for just a moment?
JERRY: Hey, uh, Harry? HARRY: Yeah?
JERRY: You know, you're getting better in this part.
HARRY: You think so?
JERRY: Sure.
Honey, uh-- honey, I was thinking, uh,
since you're doing the Calypso number, anyway,
that doing the Cleopatra, too, might be construed
as favoritism on my part, uh, just
because my wife's the prettiest girl here.
Thank you.
You know what I was thinking, honey?
Mhm.
You were thinking that since I have two big numbers
in the show that I give up one.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I agree.
You-- well, you do?
I'll give up the Calypso.
Well, honey, that's not what I was thinking.
Rob Petrie, you're jealous.
I-- oh, honey.
[laughing]
I'm not jealous.
I-- you want to know the truth?
You want to know the absolute truth, honey?
You look bad.
You know why?
Because Harry is a bad actor.
Honey, when you do that Calypso number--
[whistling]
Boy, the audience loves you.
You're up there.
Then you do that bad sketch with Harry, and down you go.
Harry's a bad actor.
Harry Rogers can't do anything but--
Kiss.
Yeah.
Who needs that in his own house?
All right, darling.
What's so darn funny?
Well, it's the first good healthy sign of jealousy
you've shown in months.
It's better than flowers.
W-- w-- will you give up the Cleopatra?
I'll give it up.
Honey, why-- listen.
Why don't you--
I'll tell them.
OK.
That's right.
[chatter]
Um, kids.
Oh, there they are.
Kids.
I was just telling Rob that it seems unfair for me
to have two big numbers in the show.
So I'm withdrawing as Cleopatra.
Oh, you can't. Not now.
[grumbling]
Let-- her mind is made up.
I tried.
[nervous laughter]
Well. Let's see.
Uh, kids, who-- who-- who are we going
to get to play Cleopatra now?
Well, uh-- well, how about Cynthia Harding?
Well, is it right for the kindergarten
teacher to play Cleopatra?
It's righter than for a mother of three.
Sit down, Millie.
Miss Harding, uh, would you care to try the Cleopatra part?
Uh, I don't know if I'm the right type.
[clearing throat]
Rob, um, can I see you a minute?
Yeah.
She is, uh, not the right type.
Well, Harry, I think we ought to give her a chance.
Cleopatra-- Cleopatra--
We have, uh, not that many actress--
Look, Rob, she was--
right type.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we could work with her.
[doorbell ringing]
Amazing.
Uh, folks, would-- would you, uh, clear here and let
us use this for Cleopatra? - Not at all, Rob.
Sit right here on the couch, [inaudible]..
- Hi. - Sorry I'm late.
It's all right. [interposing voices]
Hi, honey.
You're just in time to see your husband
rehearse his sketch.
Oh, good.
Well, how's the sketch coming, darling?
Oh, oh, great, great.
Oh.
Oh.
You haven't met your husband's leading lady.
Mrs. Rogers, this--
You-- you told me that Millie Helper was a short,
dark, comedienne.
Oh, she is.
She is.
What happened to the comedienne?
Well, she-- she withdrew because of a little problem.
Oh.
Why don't you make yourself comfortable, Shirley?
Yeah, Shirley.
I think you can see from right over there.
- Thanks. - OK.
Uh, all right.
Here we go.
Now, Harry, take it-- take it from, uh, arrived from Rome.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
At last, I have arrived from Rome.
[applause]
Huh?
Huh?
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Terrific.
Harry.
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Once I get the helmet on, Rob--
yeah, I'll be great. Yeah.
I tell you what.
Miss Harding, would you cue him again, please?
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
[inaudible] Claudius has surrendered to [inaudible]
Uh, Rob.
HARRY: --has given up to [inaudible]..
Mhm?
Uh, what did you say her name was?
Oh, that's Miss Harding, the kindergarten teacher.
Miss Harding?
Mhm.
Is this true?
Come closer, my darling.
(YELLING) Harry!
Excuse me, Rob.
(LOUDLY) What do you think you're doing?
SHIRLEY: Get in the car!
HARRY: I'm an actor doing a part!
SHIRLEY: Harry, get in the car!
HARRY: That is a school teacher!
SHIRLEY: Just get in the car!
HARRY: I just learned my lines!
SHIRLEY: (YELLING) Harry!
Get in the car!
Um.
One of the kids is sick.
All right.
Now what are we going to do?
The-- I guess, uh, that I'm going to have
to play Mark-- uh, Mark Antony.
Uh, Rob.
Would you like to see me in the kitchen?
Yes, dear.
That does it.
That does it.
You can't direct a show with a bunch of amateurs.
But Mr. Petrie.
Goodbye, Mrs. Billings.
I am going home.
I quit.
I'm going home.
Will you imagine that?
I was halfway downtown before I realized
I walked out of my own house.
Well, we got the show on, and it was great.
And I let you play the part, didn't I?
Aw.
But all that trouble.
What's the matter?
Didn't you enjoy playing Mark Anthony?
No, I didn't.
I don't think Jerry enjoyed playing Cleopatra, either.
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Hello, Laura, dear.
Oh, hello, Mr. Petrie.
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Mrs. Billings, won't you come over here and sit down?
Oh, yes, thank you, dear.
Ah.
Well, now.
Mr. Petrie, do you know what time of year it is?
No, what time is it?
It's showtime.
It is?
Good heavens.
Well, Mr. Petrie, you did such a wonderful job on our show
last year that I wanted you to be the first to know--
Well, that's very kind of you, Mrs. Billings.
We won't be needing you this year.
But I have a very heavy schedule.
You won't be needing me this year?
That's right.
Oh, is it--
really?
Oh.
Oh, I'll bet you thought I came over here to corral you again.
As a matter of fact, I did.
Oh, no.
We wouldn't impose on you again.
So you just rest easy.
Oh, I will.
I will.
You see, fortunately, my husband
has had a perfectly wonderful idea for this year's show.
A musical version of "Hamlet."
Oh.
He's, uh, writing the lyrics and the music himself?
Uh-huh.
Well, gee, that sounds exciting.
Has, uh, he ever written music before?
No.
But then, one has to start somewhere.
Doesn't one?
[laughing]
Well, all I can tell you, Mrs. Billings,
is that a lot of professional people
have tried to do a musical take off on "Hamlet."
They found it very, very difficult.
Personally, I wouldn't tackle it.
What would you tackle?
Well, uh, I think something a little more
familiar to the general public.
Gilbert and Sullivan, see?
Now, that lends itself more easily to parody.
As a matter of fact, the rhythm is so perfect,
I could do a parody on in about 10 seconds.
Oh, you couldn't.
Oh, yes.
Uh.
The crabgrass that grows-- let's see.
The crabgrass that blooms in the spring-- tra-la--
all grows on my New Rochelle lawn.
Oh, Mr. Petrie.
It's so easy for you.
Oh, you professional writers are so clever.
I just volunteered again, didn't I, Mrs. Billings?
Yes, dear boy.
And thank you.
Well, you did it again, didn't you?
Yeah. [laughter]
You know something, honey?
I don't really mind.
It might be fun to do a version of "The Mikado" again.
Hey, did I ever tell you I did Nanki Poo in high school?
No.
Could I play Yum Yum?
Well, honey, we probably ought to hold
open auditions for them.
You know how Millie is.
She's going to want a crack at it right away.
And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching kindergarten?
Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.
Huh?
Why?
Well, a few of the wives got up
a little petition that prohibits her from being
anything but a script girl.
A petition?
When-- when did this happen?
First thing tomorrow morning.
Oh, all right.
She-- she can stay on as script girl, OK?
Good, OK.
[music playing]
ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"
starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
ROB: Hey, is that a beautiful brunch outfit you've got on
Thank you.
You know, if you keep looking that good in the morning,
I may have to switch to an afternoon newspaper.
Or, uh, maybe a weekly news magazine.
Darling, are you in a good mood?
I am now.
Well, then, I guess it's safe for me to tell you
that Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
Oh, that's nice.
Mrs. Billings is coming over today.
Mrs. Billings.
Honey.
Is there a new Mrs. Billings in our neighborhood,
or is this the Mrs. Billings who ran the amateur variety
show last year?
It's the same Mrs. Billings.
That's what I thought.
And I'll see you around.
Rob, where are you going?
Wherever there's no Mrs. Billings.
Under no circumstances will I write
and direct another amateur variety show this year.
And you may tell Mrs. Billings that.
Darling, she didn't say anything
about you doing the show again.
Yeah, I can just hear, (HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
oh, Mr. Petrie, it's so easy for you.
I don't know how you writers get your wonderful ideas.
[laughing]
Absolutely not.
Well, darling, if you do turn her down, you'll do it gently,
won't you?
No.
Turning her down gently is how I ended up doing the variety show
last year.
Boy, this year when she says, Mr. Petrie,
would you do our show this year?
I'm going to answer her with a three letter word.
Yes?
N-O-- exclamation point.
[inaudible]
Can't you forget about last year?
No, I want to remember last year.
I don't want to forget it.
So that next year, I don't have to remember this year.
Darling, it wasn't that bad.
It wasn't that bad?
You had some fun doing it, but you don't remember, do you?
You don't remember how I came home that day.
I do.
Oh, boy, do I remember.
I remember coming home that evening
to find that Mrs. Billings' group was holding
a meeting in our living room.
And behind my back, I had been elected chairman.
I can still hear Mrs. Billings gushing.
Good evening, Mr. Petrie.
Sit down, Harvey.
Now just make yourselves comfortable, everybody,
and we'll get started in a moment.
Oh, Mr. Petrie, I saw your show the other night.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, you can't win them all, can you?
I'm-- I'm sorry.
Oh!
Oh, I don't blame you, Mr. Petrie.
No.
I could have turned it off.
My husband said, why don't you turn it off?
And I said, no, it's going to get better.
But it didn't, did it?
Can we bring the meeting to order, please?
That's a very good idea.
I have a very large agenda.
That's wonderful.
All right.
I will call the committee, uh, meeting to order now.
First of all, I would like to entertain a motion--
How about a Hawaiian hula?
Now, there's an entertaining motion.
Oh.
Thanks a lot.
Mr. Chairman.
Mrs. Billings.
First, I think we ought to consider ways
of raising money this year.
Very well.
I will throw the floor open for suggestions.
Yes, Millie? - Mr. Chairman.
Yeah, Mil.
Mildred Helper, 146 Bonnie Meadow Road.
Yeah.
I'd like to make a motion.
Well, all right.
Go ahead.
MILLIE: How about a boat ride up the Hudson?
It could be a lot of fun.
Well, we did it four years ago.
And everybody had an awfully good time until the water
got a little rough.
And some of the younger children got seasick.
And a few of the fathers were hanging over the side.
How about a cake sale?
Well, we'll-- we'll take that under consideration.
[gasping]
Uh, Mrs. Billings. - I've got it.
I've got it.
And really it's so obvious, I don't
know how we overlooked it.
Do you realize how much local talent
we have in our own group?
Why, I bet we have enough talent to put on a Broadway show.
Mrs. Billings, Broadway doesn't have enough talent
to put on a Broadway show.
Oh, Rob, listen.
Mrs. Billings is right. We could do it.
And the few of us here who can't sing and dance-- well,
we could paint the scenery.
Uh, well, listen.
We have great comedians here.
Take Millie, for instance.
Have you ever seen her impressions?
She's terrific. Come here, Millie.
Millie, give them your impression of Jimmy Cagney.
Go ahead.
(IMPERSONATING JIMMY CAGNEY) You dirty rat, you.
You gave it to my brother.
And my brother gave it to your brother.
And your brother gave it to me.
And it was running all over the house.
It was a dirty rat.
[applause]
Hey, wait a-- wait a minute.
Now, listen, honey, wait a minute.
Do Wallace Beery.
No, hold it. Hold it.
I-- we don't have time for Wallace Beery.
All right.
Well, maybe later we'll do that.
- OK. - Yeah, honey?
Uh, Mrs. Honey?
Uh, Laura.
Mr. Chairman, I think the variety show is a great idea.
Yeah!
[chatter]
Well, everybody, not just because it was my idea,
but I do think it was brilliant. - Yeah.
Yes.
We could all-- [banging gavel]
Can we have it quiet just for a moment as the chairman?
Folks, uh, a show is not an easy thing to put on.
Now, the average person doesn't practice law
until he's had an education.
A-- a doctor doesn't-- doesn't treat a patient until at least
he's served an internship.
Everybody thinks that show business is easy.
Well, I want to tell you something.
It isn't.
Oh, we're all adults enough to expect a few problems,
Robbie-boy. - Sure.
A few prob-- we haven't got enough talent
here to put on a bad show.
[grumbling]
Now, look, who-- who are you going to put in charge?
You've got to have somebody with actual show
business experience.
You've got writing.
You've got staging.
You've got production and direction.
We don't have anyone like that in this organization.
I happen to be the only one here whose profession
is actually show business.
And if I was going to put on a--
how many were actually sick on that boat ride last year?
I nominate Rob Petrie to be in charge of our variety show.
I second it.
Honey, what are you doing to me?
Oh, darling, it's for a good cause.
And you said yourself, you're the only one
who can put on a show. - I lied.
I lied.
All those in favor, say, aye.
Aye!
[applause]
Congratulations, Mr. Petrie.
And now that you're head of the whole show, what can
we do to make your job easier?
Impeach me.
Oh.
Can I rehearse my number again?
Can I? - Well.
Oh, all right.
Fellas?
Let's take it once again.
Oh, thank you, darling.
[music playing]
(SINGING) Cleopatra was [inaudible] so beautiful,
and she had certain spark.
All famous men she swayed.
When love came, she played.
Beauty never fades.
So Cleo made her mark.
Antoni.
Everybody.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
[inaudible].
(SINGING) Romeo and Juliet, when they say [inaudible] met,
they chose balcony C. [inaudible] same thing,
you see, in the balcony of each movie show.
Guess you know what I mean.
Ask any usher.
True, [inaudible], true.
That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
Hup, hey, [inaudible].
(SINGING) In my suburbia housewife-urbia,
I'm busy as a bee.
I drive the kids to school, dig a swimming pool,
work just like a fool, husband-- what a help he is.
He plays the golf.
And I'm teed off.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual fact.
(SINGING) True, [inaudible],, true.
(SINGING) That is the actual--
the truly factual-- that is the actual fact.
[applause]
Honey, maybe just one more time from the top.
It needs a little polishing, and then it'll be fine.
- Honey, look. - Just once more.
You have been through it five times now.
We've got to move on.
Look, let's try the Cleopatra sketch.
We haven't even touched that yet.
Uh, give me, uh, Millie Helper and Harry Rogers, please.
Ah. All set, Rob.
Hey, is it good, Rob? I haven't seen it yet.
Yeah, it's very good. It's funny.
Sit down. Will you?
Harry, we're going to take it from the part
where Mark Antony comes home from Rome,
and, uh, Cleopatra pretends to be very
cold towards him, all right? - All right.
Uh, where's Millie?
Oh, she's right in there getting ready, Rob.
Hey, Millie. It's just a rehearsal.
It doesn't have to be perfect. Come on.
That's fine.
That's just fine, Mil.
All right.
Well, would you folks, uh, leave-- let us have the sofa
there? - Oh, why, certainly.
Thank you.
Come on, Harvey.
Go ahead.
Oh, she's going to look divine.
Just make yourself comfortable there.
OK.
Now I guess we're all set.
Hey, uh, Rob, am I going to get to wear a toga?
Oh, yeah. We'll get you a toga, Harry.
And do I wear a helmet?
Yeah, we'll get you a nice helmet.
Hey.
Rob, I was thinking maybe I would, you know,
sort of get in the mood of the thing.
Like, if I just sort of wore this over the shoulder
like that.
Oh, gee, that's fine.
- Like a toga, huh? - Yeah.
Good. - All right.
OK.
Now you make your entrance, Harry.
All right. Where do I come from?
Rome, Harry.
All right.
No.
I mean, what room?
Oh.
Well, uh, make your entrance from up
behind the bricks there. - All right.
That'll be good.
Uh, Miss Harding, would you make a note of that?
Harry Rogers will enter from upstage left.
Upstage left.
Mhm.
OK.
Action.
Harry?
Harry?
Yeah, Rob?
Uh, I said action.
Yeah.
When I say action, that means you have to come on out.
Oh. Oh.
Not now.
Will you go on back there, and wait until I say action?
- Yeah. - No.
I mean, wait.
Go back and wait until I--
I say the word, Harry.
Action.
Good, good, good.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted--
at last, I have a-Rome from 'rrived.
Harry.
I'm-- I'm sorry, Rob.
I'll get [inaudible]
Hey, wait a minute, Rob. I like it.
- Jerry, please. - No, listen.
It'll get a bigger laugh that way.
A-Rome from 'rrived. That's funny.
Jerry, will you, please, sit down?
OK. I think it's funny.
Don't you? - OK.
Uh, Harry, take it again, will you?
- Sure. - W-- no, no.
Not clear back to Rome, just-- - Oh.
Take--
Ah, Cleo--
We-- we'll go past that, Harry.
Just take it from your cue, uh, arrived from Rome.
Arrived from Rome. - Oh.
Oh.
Uh, uh-- arrived from Rome.
Mark Antony pray tell, how are things in Rome?
You see?
I told you she could do Wallace Beery.
Oh, [inaudible].
Incidentally, uh, Millie, his name
isn't Mark Antony Pray Tell.
It's Mark Antony, pray tell, uh, how are things in Rome?
Go ahead.
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Rotten.
And how about you, Mark Antony?
I hear you have been unfaithful to me.
Is this true?
The truth is written on my lips.
Where?
I don't see nothing written there.
Come closer, Cleopatra.
Good. Good.
Now hold the kiss.
The longer you hold the kiss, the funnier it's going to be.
It ain't that funny, Rob.
Keep holding, kids.
I don't like it, Rob.
All right. Uh, all right.
Now, say your line, Harry.
Did you read my message?
Not yet.
I'm a slow reader.
That's the punchline.
That's it.
I-- I don't think it's very funny, Rob.
Can-- can I see you alone privately?
Huh?
I want to see you in the kitchen privately, Rob.
All right.
Uh, take a coffee break, kids.
We'll try it again in five minutes.
Shall we work on it while they're gone?
MILLIE: Yeah, that's a good idea.
Uh, no, no. No more rehearsal.
It's, uh-- it's a coffee break.
You heard the director.
Drink coffee, Millie.
Rob.
Jerry, what's the matter with you?
I'll get right to the point, Rob.
I-- I don't want Millie playing the part of Cleopatra.
Why not?
Well, uh, she's-- she's too short.
Cleopatra was short.
Well, then, she's too tall.
I just don't want her playing the part.
Why not?
Well, uh, she's not good enough.
What are you talking about, Jerry?
She's great. - Well, that's just it.
That's it. She'll be discovered.
She'll become a big Broadway star.
I can kiss my happy home life goodbye.
She's not quite that good, Jerry.
Well, then why-- why waste your time?
Get somebody who can become a big Broadway star.
Now, look, Rob.
I don't want her playing the part.
And I just don't want to talk about it.
Jerry, are you upset because another man
is kissing your wife?
No, I'm not.
I'm upset because my wife is kissing another man.
Oh, Jerry.
He-- he's giving her a-- a stage kiss.
Well, let him go kiss a stage.
I just don't want him kissing my wife.
Look.
They hardly know each other at all.
They're practically strangers, Jerry.
Not anymore, Buddy.
HARRY: The truth is written on my lips.
MILLIE: I don't see nothing written there.
HARRY: Come closer, Cleopatra.
Stop rehearsing in there.
You're supposed to be drinking coffee, Millie.
Drink!
See?
Jerry.
Look, Jerry.
It doesn't mean anything to Millie.
And it means nothing to Harry Rogers.
Well, it means something to me.
He's an actor kissing an actress.
It's-- it's theatre art.
Mhm.
It's the mother of my children kissing the father
of somebody else's children.
And it's not art.
It's disgusting.
They-- they're doing it for the PTA.
It's a good cause.
Well, you wouldn't let your wife do it.
Oh, of course I would.
Then it's settled. Millie's out.
Laura's in. - All right.
All right.
Millie is out, and Laura is in.
Oh, boy.
Rob, do you really have enough guts to let your wife
get kissed by hang lip Harry?
Yes, I have.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
At last, I've a-Rome from 'rrived.
Harry.
Arrived-- arrived from-- what'd I say?
Well, that's all right.
I'll-- I'll-- once I get the hamlet on.
Helmet, Harry.
Ah, there.
All right.
Ah, Cleopatra.
We-- we'll-- we'll take a pass [inaudible]..
Just go off-- uh, honey, will-- uh, will you take the cue?
- Yeah. - Pick him up.
All right.
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Rotten.
And what about you, Antony?
I hear you've been unfaithful to me.
Is this true?
The truth is written on my lips.
Where?
I see nothing written there.
Come closer, Cleopatra.
Uh.
Kids.
Laura, Harry?
Yeah?
Uh, kids, I've got a great idea.
You know what would be funnier than kissing, really?
Shaking hands.
What?
[inaudible].
Hey, uh, Rob.
Huh?
I think-- I think kissing is funnier.
Yeah, me, too.
I mean, watch.
Watch how we do this.
Did you read my message?
You see?
The kiss is funnier, Rob.
I am the director.
And I will decide what is funnier.
Laura, may I see you in the kitchen for just a moment?
JERRY: Hey, uh, Harry? HARRY: Yeah?
JERRY: You know, you're getting better in this part.
HARRY: You think so?
JERRY: Sure.
Honey, uh-- honey, I was thinking, uh,
since you're doing the Calypso number, anyway,
that doing the Cleopatra, too, might be construed
as favoritism on my part, uh, just
because my wife's the prettiest girl here.
Thank you.
You know what I was thinking, honey?
Mhm.
You were thinking that since I have two big numbers
in the show that I give up one.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I agree.
You-- well, you do?
I'll give up the Calypso.
Well, honey, that's not what I was thinking.
Rob Petrie, you're jealous.
I-- oh, honey.
[laughing]
I'm not jealous.
I-- you want to know the truth?
You want to know the absolute truth, honey?
You look bad.
You know why?
Because Harry is a bad actor.
Honey, when you do that Calypso number--
[whistling]
Boy, the audience loves you.
You're up there.
Then you do that bad sketch with Harry, and down you go.
Harry's a bad actor.
Harry Rogers can't do anything but--
Kiss.
Yeah.
Who needs that in his own house?
All right, darling.
What's so darn funny?
Well, it's the first good healthy sign of jealousy
you've shown in months.
It's better than flowers.
W-- w-- will you give up the Cleopatra?
I'll give it up.
Honey, why-- listen.
Why don't you--
I'll tell them.
OK.
That's right.
[chatter]
Um, kids.
Oh, there they are.
Kids.
I was just telling Rob that it seems unfair for me
to have two big numbers in the show.
So I'm withdrawing as Cleopatra.
Oh, you can't. Not now.
[grumbling]
Let-- her mind is made up.
I tried.
[nervous laughter]
Well. Let's see.
Uh, kids, who-- who-- who are we going
to get to play Cleopatra now?
Well, uh-- well, how about Cynthia Harding?
Well, is it right for the kindergarten
teacher to play Cleopatra?
It's righter than for a mother of three.
Sit down, Millie.
Miss Harding, uh, would you care to try the Cleopatra part?
Uh, I don't know if I'm the right type.
[clearing throat]
Rob, um, can I see you a minute?
Yeah.
She is, uh, not the right type.
Well, Harry, I think we ought to give her a chance.
Cleopatra-- Cleopatra--
We have, uh, not that many actress--
Look, Rob, she was--
right type.
Yeah.
Well, maybe we could work with her.
[doorbell ringing]
Amazing.
Uh, folks, would-- would you, uh, clear here and let
us use this for Cleopatra? - Not at all, Rob.
Sit right here on the couch, [inaudible]..
- Hi. - Sorry I'm late.
It's all right. [interposing voices]
Hi, honey.
You're just in time to see your husband
rehearse his sketch.
Oh, good.
Well, how's the sketch coming, darling?
Oh, oh, great, great.
Oh.
Oh.
You haven't met your husband's leading lady.
Mrs. Rogers, this--
You-- you told me that Millie Helper was a short,
dark, comedienne.
Oh, she is.
She is.
What happened to the comedienne?
Well, she-- she withdrew because of a little problem.
Oh.
Why don't you make yourself comfortable, Shirley?
Yeah, Shirley.
I think you can see from right over there.
- Thanks. - OK.
Uh, all right.
Here we go.
Now, Harry, take it-- take it from, uh, arrived from Rome.
Ah, Cleopatra, my enchanted.
At last, I have arrived from Rome.
[applause]
Huh?
Huh?
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
Terrific.
Harry.
Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
Once I get the helmet on, Rob--
yeah, I'll be great. Yeah.
I tell you what.
Miss Harding, would you cue him again, please?
Mark Antony, pray tell, how are things in Rome?
[inaudible] Claudius has surrendered to [inaudible]
Uh, Rob.
HARRY: --has given up to [inaudible]..
Mhm?
Uh, what did you say her name was?
Oh, that's Miss Harding, the kindergarten teacher.
Miss Harding?
Mhm.
Is this true?
Come closer, my darling.
(YELLING) Harry!
Excuse me, Rob.
(LOUDLY) What do you think you're doing?
SHIRLEY: Get in the car!
HARRY: I'm an actor doing a part!
SHIRLEY: Harry, get in the car!
HARRY: That is a school teacher!
SHIRLEY: Just get in the car!
HARRY: I just learned my lines!
SHIRLEY: (YELLING) Harry!
Get in the car!
Um.
One of the kids is sick.
All right.
Now what are we going to do?
The-- I guess, uh, that I'm going to have
to play Mark-- uh, Mark Antony.
Uh, Rob.
Would you like to see me in the kitchen?
Yes, dear.
That does it.
That does it.
You can't direct a show with a bunch of amateurs.
But Mr. Petrie.
Goodbye, Mrs. Billings.
I am going home.
I quit.
I'm going home.
Will you imagine that?
I was halfway downtown before I realized
I walked out of my own house.
Well, we got the show on, and it was great.
And I let you play the part, didn't I?
Aw.
But all that trouble.
What's the matter?
Didn't you enjoy playing Mark Anthony?
No, I didn't.
I don't think Jerry enjoyed playing Cleopatra, either.
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Hello, Laura, dear.
Oh, hello, Mr. Petrie.
Hello, Mrs. Billings.
Mrs. Billings, won't you come over here and sit down?
Oh, yes, thank you, dear.
Ah.
Well, now.
Mr. Petrie, do you know what time of year it is?
No, what time is it?
It's showtime.
It is?
Good heavens.
Well, Mr. Petrie, you did such a wonderful job on our show
last year that I wanted you to be the first to know--
Well, that's very kind of you, Mrs. Billings.
We won't be needing you this year.
But I have a very heavy schedule.
You won't be needing me this year?
That's right.
Oh, is it--
really?
Oh.
Oh, I'll bet you thought I came over here to corral you again.
As a matter of fact, I did.
Oh, no.
We wouldn't impose on you again.
So you just rest easy.
Oh, I will.
I will.
You see, fortunately, my husband
has had a perfectly wonderful idea for this year's show.
A musical version of "Hamlet."
Oh.
He's, uh, writing the lyrics and the music himself?
Uh-huh.
Well, gee, that sounds exciting.
Has, uh, he ever written music before?
No.
But then, one has to start somewhere.
Doesn't one?
[laughing]
Well, all I can tell you, Mrs. Billings,
is that a lot of professional people
have tried to do a musical take off on "Hamlet."
They found it very, very difficult.
Personally, I wouldn't tackle it.
What would you tackle?
Well, uh, I think something a little more
familiar to the general public.
Gilbert and Sullivan, see?
Now, that lends itself more easily to parody.
As a matter of fact, the rhythm is so perfect,
I could do a parody on in about 10 seconds.
Oh, you couldn't.
Oh, yes.
Uh.
The crabgrass that grows-- let's see.
The crabgrass that blooms in the spring-- tra-la--
all grows on my New Rochelle lawn.
Oh, Mr. Petrie.
It's so easy for you.
Oh, you professional writers are so clever.
I just volunteered again, didn't I, Mrs. Billings?
Yes, dear boy.
And thank you.
Well, you did it again, didn't you?
Yeah. [laughter]
You know something, honey?
I don't really mind.
It might be fun to do a version of "The Mikado" again.
Hey, did I ever tell you I did Nanki Poo in high school?
No.
Could I play Yum Yum?
Well, honey, we probably ought to hold
open auditions for them.
You know how Millie is.
She's going to want a crack at it right away.
And, uh, is, uh, Miss Harding still teaching kindergarten?
Yes, but, uh, Miss Harding can't participate in the play.
Huh?
Why?
Well, a few of the wives got up
a little petition that prohibits her from being
anything but a script girl.
A petition?
When-- when did this happen?
First thing tomorrow morning.
Oh, all right.
She-- she can stay on as script girl, OK?
Good, OK.
[music playing]