The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 2, Episode 12 - Gesundheit, Darling - full transcript

[MUSIC - THEME, "THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show,"

starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry

Matthews, and Mary Tyler Moore.

[sneezing]

Bless you.

Oh, thank you.

[sneeze]

Bless you.

Thanks.

What did Richie want?



Another glass of water.

That's four glasses of water in the last two hours, now.

What do they have for dinner?

A box of salt or something?

Come on, Rob, you came back just

in time to play the wrong card and lose the rubber.

We'll see about that.

All right.

And the dummy plays the nine of diamonds.

Come on, honey, now just play the right card

and we can at least save this one game.

Ah-ha!

That's it.

The rest of these are good, that's game, and rubber.



Why did you play a club?

Because all I have are clubs.

Oh, well then should have bid clubs.

[sneeze]

Shall we play another rubber?

No, I don't think Rob's nose can take another game.

Look at the way he's sneezing. - Oh, Jerry.

- I'll do that, Millie. - That's all right.

What are you babbling about, Jerry?

Well, Rob, I'm not a psychiatrist,

but didn't you notice that every time you

lost a game you sneezed?

I lost too, Jerry, and I'm not sneezing.

But honey, you don't take defeat as emotionally as Rob.

You see, he's suppressing his anger,

and that anger had to go someplace.

So it came out his nose?

Right.

Honey, but that sneeze is not a real sneeze.

It's psychosomatic, brought on by hostility.

Jerry, I read that article in the Sunday

magazine section too, Jerry.

Not everything in the whole world is psychosomatic.

You see how defensive he is?

You're angry, all right.

I'll bet you feel like sneezing right now.

Well, that's the trouble with those articles

in the newspaper.

Guys like you read them, and you start analyzing everybody.

Just because I sneeze a couple of times,

he's got me pegged as an angry neurotic.

Well, for your information, buddy, I am not angry.

[sneeze]

You see, you see?

You say you're not angry, but you're sneezing,

and you're on the verge of shouting.

I bet you won't even admit who you're angry with.

I know who I'm getting angry with.

Oh, let him go, Millie's, he's having fun.

All right, doctor.

Who am I angry with?

You read that article.

Obviously not as thoroughly as you did, doctor.

All right, who did the article say that I'm a-agree with--

[sneeze]

Well, all right.

Me?

Laura?

You are very angry with your wife.

Oh, Jerry.

Look, I hate to smash your little theory,

but I'm not angry at Laura.

As a matter of fact, I might go so far to say

that I am very fond of her.

That is precisely why you are hiding your hostility.

That's why you sneeze.

I don't understand.

Well, you shouldn't have said that.

Now we'll explain.

I would like very much to hear his explanation.

All right, Jer.

The way I see it, you sneeze because you

didn't want to shout and be hostile towards someone

you love.

You'd rather sneeze than say the awful things that are

locked up in your subconscious.

You see, your nose acted like a safety valve.

It blew up before your mouth did.

Well, Jerry, your diagnosis may be right,

but I say it's wrong.

I sneeze because my nose itched.

[sneeze] See?

My nose itches.

Rob, a nose itch, a sneeze, hives, shingles, a stiff neck,

sore back.

All the things that can be brought

out by holding in anger.

Deep anger that only people you love can bring out of you.

Now you know I was right, Rob, if you

really read that article.

I read it, and the theory may be right,

but you have the wrong patient, doctor.

Honey, come on let's make some coffee and sweet rolls.

I'll put some in the oven.

[sneeze]

Rob, are you catching a cold?

Oh, I don't think so.

Boy, that darn Jerry.

I give out with a couple of sneezes

he picked me as a wife hater.

Everybody's an amateur psychiatrist.

Let me feel your forehead.

You don't have a temperature.

What do you think is making you sneeze?

Oh, I don't know.

Until told me to go in and give Richard that glass of water

I felt fine.

Rob, were you upset that I asked you to go into Richie?

Well, no, of course not, honey.

Is funny though.

I sneezed earlier when you sent me

in there to get Richard a glass of water the first time.

Hope I'm not getting allergic to my own son.

Rob, you were angry that I sent you to Rich, weren't you?

No, of course not, honey.

Don't tell me you're going to get

serious about Jerry's theory.

Well, darling, it's just that you

sneezed right after I asked you to do something

you didn't want to do.

Oh, now, come on.

Since when don't I want to give Rich a drink of water?

And then you sneezed when I played a club

and lost the bridge game.

You are angry with me, aren't you?

Laura, you know very well I don't

get that upset over a game of bridge.

Well, is it possible you're upset

with me for something else?

Laura, I am not angry with you.

You sneezed.

My nose itched.

Are you sure?

I should know whether my nose itches--

[sneeze]

Or not.

Why are you angry with me?

Because you take Jerry's kidding so seriously.

Shh.

And I want to tell you once and for all, I not

[sneeze]

Not, I repeat, not angry with you.

[sneeze]

There.

You see?

I am not going to discuss it any further.

I love you and that is it!

Ah!

Ooh!

Achoo-ow!

Achoo-ow!

Look at this!

[sneezing]

Rob.

[sneeze]

Rob, wake up.

Mama.

Mama, too much ragweed, Mama.

Rob, wake up.

Not your mom.

Mama, make papa mow the ragweed.

I'm not your mom.

I-- what--

who-- what?

Honey, what are you doing up?

You sneezed me up.

Oh, I dreamed I was in a field of ragweed.

And you wouldn't give me a handkerchief.

I wouldn't give--

well, that's nice.

Oh, honey.

Don't start that all over again.

I'm not angry with you.

Then why did you dream I wouldn't

give you a handkerchief?

I don't know.

Why don't you call up Jerry and ask him.

Then why did you ask your mother to tell

your father to mow the ragweed?

Who asked all that?

You did, in your sleep.

Now why did you dream that?

Honey, I am not a psychiatrist.

Would you mind lying back there let, me get some sleep, please?

[sneeze]

You are angry with me.

Laura, how did you figure that?

That was a hostile sneeze.

If you don't let me get some sleep,

you're going to hear a hospital scream.

I'm sorry.

He could have asked me to mow the ragweed,

but no, he asked his mother.

Oh, boy.

The next time there's any ragweed demo in my dreams.

[sneeze]

Mm-hm.

What does mm-hm mean?

I suppose you're going to say that wasn't hostile.

You're right.

Maybe you're right.

From now on, when I sneeze, I'll try to sneeze more friendly.

A--hi-there!

All right.

All right, just tell me this.

If you're not sneezing at me, what is making you sneeze.

Oh, I don't know.

It doesn't feel like a cold.

Feels like a hay fever allergy I had when I was a kid.

Well, this isn't the hay fever season.

Oh, I feel like I'm allergic to something.

A marriage, perhaps?

To me?

Oh Laura, would you leave psychoanalyzing

me till in the morning, please?

Hm.

All right, what does the hm mean?

Now who's getting psychological?

I just said a plain, uncomplicated hm.

All right, now Laura, once and for all.

I love you.

I love being married.

I love Rich.

There is nothing psychological in my sneezing,

and I have no hidden hostilities toward you.

Then why did you dream I wouldn't

give you a handkerchief?

Down deep, you must think I don't care about you.

And dreaming about your mother and father,

boy, if that's not psychological.

LAURA: Where are you going?

I'm going to go to the den and get some sleep.

No, you're not.

You're going there to sneeze thoughts that I can't hear.

I am going to go to the den to get

some sleep so that you don't have

to stay up all night saying--

[sneeze]

Gesundheit.

Yes.

[sneeze]

See you later.

Well, now, let's see.

You've got a reaction to animal dander and goldenrod,

but you're not allergic to wool or any other fabric,

and it isn't food.

Unless you haven't told me all you ate yesterday.

Did I say that I had orange or pineapple juice for breakfast?

Orange, I think.

Are you sure?

Well, let's have another look at your scratch tests.

Orange juice, column four, number three.

Orange juice, and it's negative.

You got any pineapple back there.

I didn't test you for that, but I will tomorrow.

Oh.

Now, is there any other food that you

might have eaten yesterday?

I mean, that you've forgotten about?

Well, what did I tell about so far, Doctor?

Oh, well, yesterday's menu included string beans,

hamburgers, sweet roll, peanuts, ice cream, sardines, hot dogs,

vanilla wafers, a coconut bar, potato leek soup, and raisins.

Did I eat all that yesterday?

That's your menu.

Plus chocolate pudding, mushrooms,

tomatoes, white flour, and mozzarella

cheese, and anchovies.

I don't remember eating all that stuff.

Well, you said you had a pizza.

Oh, Yeah.

Very surprising.

What is?

That you're just sneezing.

You should be very sick to your stomach.

I should.

Well, you can button your shirt now.

Oh, OK.

Well now, let's see.

You say you haven't sneezed since you left home.

Right.

Oh, sit.

Oh, thank you.

Now, has your wife changed her brand of toilet water,

or perfume?

No, she smelled the same for years.

Why?

Do you think I might be allergic to a perfume or something?

Possible.

Now, are you sure you haven't come

in contact with animal fur?

A dog, a cat, or even a hamster?

No, we've got a little catfish in the aquarium at home,

but he's not too furry.

What do you think it might be, Doctor?

Well, I guess that there's something in your house

that's making you sneeze.

Yeah.

My wife thinks it's her.

Oh?

Yeah, she says that my sneezing is all

psychological, that I'm repressing

some hidden hostility for her.

Oh, did your wife read that article

in the Sunday supplement too?

No, but a loud mouthed neighbor did.

Why don't you go through the rest of the day doing what you

normally do, eating the foods you prefer,

and I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, fine doctor.

I mean, there's no chance that my wife would be

causing the sneezing, is there?

Well, not unless you're allergic to her.

What do you mean, allergic?

You mean it's possible to be physically

allergic to your wife?

Well, it's been known to happen,

but it's highly improbable in your case.

I wouldn't even let it cross my mind.

Thank you, doctor.

Oh, call me if you get another attack during the night.

Well, yeah, yeah, I will.

[laughing]

It's really possible for a guy to be allergic to his own wife?

Yes.

I know of one case where a fellow

was so allergic that every time he kissed

his wife he broke out in hives.

What did he do?

He scratched a lot.

Thank you, Doctor.

Laura, you know Jerry's not a psychiatrist.

He's a dentist.

Well, the man who wrote the article is a psychiatrist,

and it made a lot of sense.

Rob is hostile to me.

He sneezed through dinner, through breakfast,

and right out the front door.

I know, I heard him.

I don't think it's hostility.

I think it's one of those 24 hour

things that's going around.

I hope so, because I just can't take another night

of his sneezing at me.

I'm going to kill that Jerry.

But first I got to feed him.

Listen, send Freddy home in about five minutes, will you?

He's been here all day.

Don't apologize.

Richie he practically lived at your house yesterday.

Oh, they were angels.

They formed a new club and played in the garage all day.

Oh, well the club moved to our garage today.

Oh, I'll yell for them as I pass by.

Yes, send mine in while you're at it.

OK, see you later.

Freddy dinner!

Richie, your mother wants you.

Sneezing at me.

Suppressing his hostility.

Why doesn't he just come right out and yell at me

and tell me what's on his mind if he's so upset.

I don't know how to cope with somebody just going to stand

there and sneeze at me.

Most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

Hi, Mommy.

Hi, Richie.

Oh, boy, what a good hug.

You have fun with Freddy today?

Yeah, we made a new club.

I'm the president.

Oh, so you're the main one.

No Freddy is.

He's the king.

Well, that sounds like a good club.

Who else is in it?

Well, me and Freddy and-- and that's all.

A king and a president, very exclusive.

Yeah, Mommy, can I grind the pepper into the salad?

Well, dear, I already put some in,

but I guess it could use some more.

All right, Rich, I think that ought to do it.

You go wash up now and get ready for dinner, huh?

OK.

Well, now what's this for?

For letting me and Freddy have our club in the garage today.

Thank you, Mommy.

You're welcome, dear.

Hi, honey.

I said hi, honey.

I don't even get a kiss?

[sneeze]

The pepper.

It's probably that pepper caused that.

There was no pepper during the bridge game last night, Rob,

and no pepper in our bedroom.

Yeah, well, that's true.

How are you, honey?

Fine.

How's your nose today?

Well, it's quiet anyway, thank goodness.

I didn't even know I had one all day.

Buddy and Sally thought I was kidding

when I told them about last night's nasal hurricane.

Did you see the doctor?

Yeah, I saw him.

What did he say?

Well, he said--

[sneeze]

Well, he tested me for string beans

and potato leek soup and chocolate pudding

and anchovies and--

[muffled sneeze]

Did he check you for hidden hostilities?

[sneeze]

Oh.

My nose is tickling the same way I did last night.

That's nice.

I haven't sneezed all day, today.

Lovely.

My gosh, I didn't even have to blow my nose all day.

There is good news.

Honey, give me a hug and a kiss.

Not if you were the last man on Earth.

Do I-- it's not for pleasure.

Thank you.

Sweetie, it's an experiment.

Then go kiss a guinea pig!

[sneeze]

Look, I hope I'm wrong, but I was fine

until I came home and gave you a hello kiss,

and I touched your hair.

Honey, it's not hostility!

Laura, the allergist things that I may be allergic to you.

Allergic?

Oh, Rob, you have to be joking.

Honey, why would I joke?

Let's kiss.

Now if I am wrong, all you've lost is a kiss.

This is ridiculous.

I know it.

Hey, so far, so good--

[sneeze]

Oh my gosh.

Honey, have you changed your perfume or anything?

No damn allergic to you.

Oh, Rob, if you're teasing me.

Honey, why would I tease about a thing like that?

I love you.

I enjoy kissing.

Let's try it again.

No, I'm afraid.

Well, now don't worry, honey, I'm not going to give up

kissing for sneezing.

Let's try it again, all right?

OK.

[muffled sneeze]

Oh, Rob.

Hi, Daddy!

Oh, hi, Rich, how are you, buddy?

You bring me anything?

Yeah, I brought a little bit--

a-- a--

[sneeze]

Oh, I brought you a package of gum.

Thank you, Daddy.

And bless you.

You're welcome, Rich, and thank you.

You're welcome.

I just sneezed when I kissed him.

I noticed that.

Hey, Rich.

How about another big hug for daddy.

OK.

[sneeze]

Oh my gosh, I'm allergic to my whole family.

My wife, my son.

Oh, Rob, you just have to be wrong.

Isn't it more likely that you're allergic

to fabric or pollen or dust?

No, honey, I tested all those things.

They were all negative.

Besides, there's fabric and pollen

and dust all over the city, and in the office.

The only time I sneeze is when I come

in contact with you and Rich.

But you never reacted this way before.

Well, they say there's been cases

where a person can develop an allergic reaction

to another person.

Aw, honey.

It's very, very rare, anyways.

The only other thing I reacted positively to

was goldenrod and animal fur.

Well, there's no goldenrod around here,

and the only animal fur is my mink stole.

Yeah.

Yeah, mink stole.

That's animal fur.

Oh, Rob, do you think that could be it?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

Oh, please be.

[doorbell]

Come on, baby, make me sneeze.

Hi, Laura.

Rob, what do you doing?

What's he doing?

Look what he's doing.

I'm testing.

He's testing.

He's thinking of buying mink towels.

We'll tell you about it in a minute.

Rob, do you feel anything?

Not a think.

What are you supposed to feel?

An electric shock or something?

No, I'm trying to find out if I have any reaction ani--

[sneeze]

I'm not only allergic to my family,

I'm allergic to my next door neighbor.

But that's good.

What are you talking about?

What's he talking about?

I think I'm allergic to Jerry.

What?

You're not making any sense.

He's not making any sense.

Jerry, give me a hug.

A hug?

Rob.

[sneeze]

Oh, oh, good, good.

Oh, all right Millie, you're next.

What?

Give me a hug.

Laura?

Do as he says.

Hey!

Laura says I have to.

[sneeze]

Oh, boy, now we're getting somewhere.

What?

All right.

All you people who make me sneeze

on that side of the room.

Are you still trying to find out what's making you sneeze?

Yeah, with your permission, Doctor.

And whatever it is that's making me sneeze,

is something that you three and Richie have in common.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I thought you were going mad.

I thought he was going mad.

What do you three have in common?

We all live in New Rochelle.

No, no.

We all three hugged you.

That's right.

And I hugged Richie earlier.

Maybe it's something we all touched.

We all touched. Good.

Good, good.

Now.

Jerry, what did you and Millie and Richie

come into contact with lately?

I don't know.

My son Freddy.

Ah-ha!

Ah!

Now, Jerry.

What did you and Millie and Richie and Freddy

touch within the last hour, say.

Now think hard.

I don't have to think hard.

The kitten.

What kitten?

Freddy and Richie's kitten.

They're keeping a kitten?

That's why they formed this club, to take care of the cat.

One night Nog arrives, the next night [inaudible]..

Yeah, we didn't know about it.

I almost ran over it when I tried to put the car away.

Jer, where is it now?

It's in your garage.

Well, that could be it, listen.

Will you get it for me? And

[sneeze]

I'm sorry.

I got it, OK.

OK.

Now come here little one and make your daddy sneeze.

[sneeze]

Oh, good.

[sneeze]

Good.

[sneeze]

This is it.

[sneezing]

Almost finished?

Yeah, honey, I'm almost finished.

Well, at least one good thing came

out of my having an allergy, I got

a great sketch here for Alan.

Read this.

He develops an allergy to his wife.

Well, I just hope whoever you get

to play my part is sympathetic, understanding, and generally

adorable.

Well, that may be impossible to cast.

'Course unless you'd like to play yourself.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Daddy? - Yeah Rich.

Hey, what are you playing with?

My electric razor?

It's your old one.

Oh, OK.

Daddy?

Just second, Rich, Daddy's writing.

Alan goes ca-choo.

OK, Rich, what do you want?

Is it truw what you said, that it's not the cat that

makes you sneeze, it's the fur?

That's right, Rich.

Mommy, it's the fur that makes Daddy sneeze?

Yes, dear.

So if I can find a cat with no fur, I can keep it?

Yeah, Rich.

If you can find yourself a bald cat, you can hang on to it.

Yay!

Hey, Freddy!

My daddy said it was OK!

Richie!

Richie!

[MUSIC - END THEME, "THE

DICK VAN DYKE SHOW"]