The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Unwelcome Houseguest - full transcript

♪♪

Little man, you've had a busy week.

You've got three whole days to rest your ribbon.

Oh, boy. Three days' vacation.

Maybe I'll take a trip around the world or something.

Well, so long, gang. Happy holiday.

So long, Buddy. See you Tuesday morning.

Hey, Rob, what are you gonna do over the weekend?

I don't know-- Wait a minute! Hold everything!

I've got a problem. Oh, boy, have you got a problem.

No, besides that.



Look, my--my problem--

Well, we got a little three-day weekend, right?

Well, my wife pickles and me--

we want to go to Niagara Falls

on a little honeymoon.

Honeymoon? Honeymoon?

You've been married for ten years.

You're just going on a honeymoon?

We wanted to see how things would work out

before we spent the money.

The only problem is Larry--my dog.

Buddy, why don't you take Larry with you on your honeymoon?

We'd like to, but he gets carsick.

Yeah, that could be a drag-- A nauseous dog.



Hey, I've got a fantastic idea.

Boing! I don't know why I didn't think of it.

Anything. Take Larry and put him in a kennel.

Larry in a dog kennel?

What's the matter? Doesn't he know he's a dog?

No, we haven't told him yet.

He thinks he's a relative.

Besides, you know how pickles loves that dog.

If I had to put him in a dog kennel,

she'd blow the whole honeymoon. She wouldn't go.

Well, I'm sorry. I'd like to help you out,

but I'm afraid Mr. Henderson wouldn't approve.

Wait a minute. Who's Mr. Henderson?

My cat.

Hey! What kind of name is that for a cat-- Mr. Henderson?

Oh, I wouldn't throw stones if I were you, Buddy,

not with a dog named Larry and a wife named Pickles.

Bye. so long, Rob. Have a nice weekend.

Bye, Sal. Same to you.

Oh, hey, Rob-- Forget it.

But he's a wonderful dog.

You won't have a bit of trouble with him.

But I'll have plenty of trouble with my wife.

But why? You're staying home for the weekend anyway, aren't you?

I don't know. We haven't discussed it yet.

Your wife will love him. She'll--

You know the old saying-- "Dog is man's best friend"?

My wife happens to be a woman.

With brand-new carpets.

Sheesh. I don't understand your attitude.

Hey, did your kid ever have a dog? No, he never did.

Oh, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Every boy should have a dog.

What is a boy without a dog?

No. Absolutely no, no dog.

Hey, Mommy?

Yes, honey?

I'm all packed for the motel.

Ritchie, it's not settled yet.

Well, I'm settled.

I've got my sweater, my pajamas,

my baseball cards, by "teethbrush"

and my half a teddy bear.

Honey, I want to talk to you now,

and I want you to listen to me very carefully.

Okay, Mommy.

This trip to Connecticut isn't settled yet.

I haven't discussed it with Daddy.

But can't we sleep in a motel?

I don't see why not...

( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

...you can count on staying in a motel.

Larry, boy, sit here a minute.

I'll be right back. ...we'll discuss it with him.

And if Daddy says yes,

then we'll spend the weekend in Connecticut.

But we always discuss with Daddy

anything that affects the family

before we agree to do it.

Anything? Anything that involves the three of us.

Larry, wait in the car and keep the motor running.

Will daddy say yes? I think he might.

You say yes, don't you, Mommy?

Yes, but Daddy has to say yes, too.

That's the way families do things. All families?

Well, I don't know about all families,

but that's the way our family operates. That's our system.

Hi, folks!

Where is everybody? Daddy's home.

Daddy! Can we go to a motel?

A motel? Say, yes, Daddy.

That's our system.

Our system?

I was just telling Ritchie that you and I confer

on all decisions that affect the family. Don't we, darling?

Uh, yes, whenever possible, Rich.

Say yes, Daddy.

Oh, well, Rich, I don't know.

Well, honey, I thought that...

Since you'll be off for three days,

that we could drive up to Connecticut, sleep over in a motel,

and the come back the next day.

Well, honey, what would you want to stay in a motel for?

Because I never stayed in a motel.

Well, Ritchie, it's the same as a hotel,

and you stayed in one of those.

No, I haven't. Yes, you did.

Don't you remember? We went to Chicago

to see Grandma and Grandpa.

I don't remember.

What do you mean, you don't remember?

We had a beautiful room where we could see the water,

and we had breakfast in the room every day.

Sure you remember that.

He was only seven months old.

It's not the point.

He did stay at a hotel,

that's all I'm getting at.

You don't have to get so excited about it.

Who's getting excited?

I am merely pointing out

that the boy did stay in a hotel.

Now, let's just keep the record straight.

Can't I sleep in a motel, Daddy?

We can sleep in a motel sometime. Why not?

Why not tomorrow night?

A man just doesn't interrupt his entire way of life

and go driving a whole family up to Connecticut

just to stay in some strange motel.

There a certain responsibilities

a man has to take care of first.

LAURA: Oh?

After the 'sponsibilities, can we go?

Well, it's not that simple, Rich.

Um, Ritchie, will you go wash your hands, please,

so I can talk to Daddy?

Can't you talk to Daddy if my hands are dirty?

Ritchie, please.

Rob, what's bothering you?

Who said anything was bothering me?

You're in a terribly defensive mood tonight.

There must be a reason.

How would you like it if you came home

and, out of a clear, blue sky,

your wife says, "Let's drive to Connecticut

and stay in some motel"?

It's the most wildest thing I ever heard of.

What's so wild about that?

Well, I--I have different plans

for the weekend.

I'm gonna stay home and...putter.

Doing what?

Well, doing all the things

you've been begging for me to fix all these weeks.

Like what?

Well...up in Ritchie's closet there,

the light bulb's burned out.

You know something? I'll be if we get right at it,

don't let ourselves be distracted by anything,

we could probably have that old light bulb out

and a new one in, and still have part of the weekend left

to go to Connecticut.

Well, the lawn sprinkler--

it didn't "Shhhhhh" anymore.

It just goes, "Pttt! Pttt! Pttt!"

And I don't want to talk about it anymore.

You, um... Want to talk

about this blond hair?

Well, what do you want to hear about it?

Just everything. And while you're at it,

you might as well explain all these other hairs,

like this black one

and this gray one,

this clump of tat.

Rob, you brought home a dog.

( CHUCKLES ) You should be on a panel show.

Rob, how could you buy a dog

without consulting me?

You're getting all upset for nothing. I didn't buy a dog.

So someone gave him to you. No one gave me a dog.

Well, I don't care if he thumbed a ride on the highway.

Rob, we are not ready to own a dog.

Honey, it's Larry!

Larry who?

Larry Sorrell, Buddy's dog.

He's gonna be our weekend guest.

We can hardly go off and stay in a motel with Larry, can we?

No, we can't. Now we have to spend the weekend here,

babysitting for a dog.

Honey, it'll be fun.

Ritchie's been asking for a dog, right?

This will give us a perfect chance to see

if he's capable of taking care of one, right?

He's gonna have a lot more fun romping around here with Larry

than he is staying in some strange motel.

It'll be fun.

I'll go get him.

Mommy! Mommy! I saw it out the window!

You saw what out the window?

There's a big wolf driving Daddy's car!

It's not a wolf, that's Larry.

It's not a Larry! It's a wolf!

I don't want it here!

It seems that Ritchie doesn't feel

like romping with Larry.

Yeah. Son, look, it's all right.

Daddy'll take him out and lock him up in the garage.

But you're gonna have fun with him, you'll see.

No, I won't!

He's very friendly.

Ritchie, you come out of there.

( GROWLING AND BARKING )

He's also very hungry.

There are six meatballs left

and a lot of spaghetti if anyone's still hungry.

I've got room for two more strings.

( LARRY WHIMPERING )

Our houseguest sounds like he's hungry.

Shall we feed him?

He's not my houseguest.

If you think he's asking for his dinner,

then go ahead and feed him.

Oh, Buddy and Pickles gave me a menu for him.

Do we have any chunk horsemeat in the refrigerator?

No.

How about, uh, lamb kidneys?

Tripe?

Tripe?

We're out of tripe, huh?

Well...hey, how about give him

the rest of the spaghetti and meatballs?

If you do, you won't have your favorite leftover breakfast tomorrow.

I'll have eggs.

Hey, I'll put it on a paper plate.

You won't even have to wash any dishes. Heh heh.

Don't you want to take him a napkin, too?

Oh.

Very funny.

Mommy? Yes, dear?

Did you want the wolf here?

No, I didn't, dear.

Did Daddy ask you if you wanted the wolf here?

No, he didn't.

That's not our system, is it?

Well, not exactly. We should've discussed bringing Larry home.

( LARRY SNARLING )

The wolf is eating Daddy!

The wolf is eating Daddy!

Ritchie, he's not eating Daddy.

Come out of there.

This is being ridiculous.

Rob! What did he do to you?

Nothing. You call this nothing?!

Oh, honey, he didn't do that.

I ripped it on his tooth.

What was all that growling?

He's just a noisy eater, that's all.

He loved your spaghetti and meatballs.

I'm flattered.

Don't be so flattered. He ate the paper plate, too.

Rob, that does it.

I don't want that vicious dog in this house.

Honey, he's not a vicious dog!

He just ate a paper plate.

That doesn't make him vicious.

That just means he's not a gourmet, that's all.

I just don't feel safe under the same roof

with a dog who eats everything in sight.

Ritchie: Me, neither!

Ritchie, what are you doing in that closet?

Eating chocolate pudding.

Honey, why do you let the boy eat chocolate pudding

in a broom closet?

Because you let a wolf eat spaghetti in the garage.

Come out of there, Rich. You know darn well

you're not supposed to hide in the closet.

I don't want the wolf to eat me.

Ritchie, it's not a wolf. It's just a dog.

Ritchie, go in the living room and watch television.

Don't let him in the house, Daddy.

Two hours ago, that was a normal, happy boy.

All right, Laura, what do you want me to say?

That I'm sorry I brought Larry home?

All right, I'll say it.

I'm sorry I brought Larry home.

I should've called a checked with you

in the first place. Is that what you want to hear?

Yes, I enjoyed that.

Now I would like to hear you call Buddy Sorrell

and ask him to take his friendly wolf home.

Buddy Sorrell is on his way to Niagara Falls.

Oh, Rob, how could you do this?

I would never think of inviting someone into this house

without consulting you.

Ohh, now, wait a minute.

How about your Aunt Mildred?

You are not going to compare my Aunt Mildred

to a German Shepherd.

No, but I could. I'm in enough trouble as it is.

Honey, what have you got against that dog?

I just don't like him.

How do you know you don't like him?

You never even met him.

Well, I've never met Dracula, either.

Honey, please, he's just a sweet dog.

Meet him, say hello to him anyway.

I'll tell you what, honey--

If you are not captivated by this dog

when I introduce you to him, I'll get rid of him.

You'll get rid of him if I'm not captivated by him?

I don't mean that you're gonna fall in love with him.

No, you said "captivated".

Honey, it's not Cary Grant, it's just a dog.

I simply mean that you'll like him.

What do you say, huh?

All right, but if I don't take to him right away,

then out he goes.

Out he goes. I'll get him.

All right.

I'll get him.

What am I doing?

He's only a dog!

Larry, this is my wife Laura.

Hey, boy. ( WHINES )

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Your Aunt Mildred never gave me her paw.

I have to admit that.

Does he stay?

Well, honey, I don't know about Rich.

Honey, Rich is gonna love this dog.

There isn't a boy in the whole world that wouldn't want a dog like Larry.

Go bring him in.

All right, but if Rich doesn't take to him, Larry goes.

Agreed, but don't worry. He'll take to him, all right.

Larry, boy...if you ever behave yourself in your life,

do it now.

If you don't, you'll end up in the kennel like a dog.

Try and smile.

Now, Ritchie,

Daddy just wants you to say hello to Larry.

Go on.

Go on.

( BARKING ) Aaah!

He wants to eat me! He wants to eat me!

He doesn't want to eat you, Rich.

Please, Daddy! Don't let him eat me!

Don't let him eat me!

Take that animal to the garage, please.

Come on, Larry, you're not man's best friend anymore.

Ritchie, you can come out now. Daddy's putting him away.

He killed the wolf?

No, he's locking him in the garage.

Then I'll shoot him with a silver bullet.

That won't be necessary.

Can we sleep in a motel?

Not tonight, dear, but we will tomorrow night.

Did Daddy say yes?

It doesn't matter.

That's not our system!

It's our new system.

( LARRY WHIMPERING )

Rob?

Huh?

Rob? Huh.

Rob! I'm up, I'm up!

What happened?

You've got to do something

about that crying.

Oh, honey, we agreed

he could sleep in the garage one night.

We agreed he would sleep.

Try not to listen to it.

I can't help it. I react to crying. I'm a mother.

Not the dog's mother.

Well, I can't sleep if I hear it.

See if you can do something, honey.

Probably just used to having people around,

and he's lonesome.

( WHIMPERING ) I'm coming.

Larry, I'm coming.

( YAWNS )

I don't blame you, boy. I wouldn't like it

if they made me sleep in a cold garage, either.

Here you are.

A nice, warm kitchen.

Just make yourself right at home.

Do anything you want, boy.

Only look-- My wife's a mother.

You know how mothers are.

So please don't cry anymore, Larry.

Just make yourself at home, but don't cry.

Okay, boy? Good night, boy.

Shh. Don't cry.

Good night.

( WHIMPERING )

( BARKING ) Shh!

( WHIMPERING )

What is it, Lar? What's the matter?

You don't like it in here?

You're right. The floor's cold on my feet.

And you've got four of them.

If it's too cold in here,

you can't make a houseguest sleep in the kitchen.

Come on, I'll make you comfortable.

Inner springs.

Good for your head. Come on.

Come on, boy, hop on up there.

Come on, boy. Come on, come on.

Gonna get up there, boy? That's a nice fella.

Yeah, okay. I'm sorry we haven't got any clean sheets.

Go to sleep, now. Shh. No more noise, boy.

Good night.

( BARKS ) Shh.

( WHIMPERING )

All right, I'm getting mad.

Larry, what is it?

What do you want from me?

What do you sleep on at home?

A dog bed.

Of course. He sleeps on a dog bed.

You stay right there, Larry, don't move.

I'll fix you up. Shh.

Shh.

Just your size.

( THUD ) Shh!

Here, boy.

Come on, boy. Huh?

Beddy-bye time. Come on, boy.

In there. Come on, boy. get.

Boy, come on.

In there, boy.

Here, look.

Lookie, Larry.

Come here, boy. Come on, boy.

Whoo!

Lar?

Look. Bunnies.

All kinds of big bunnies, little bunnies.

( SQUEALS )

Larry, I hate to do this.

I'm gonna have to put you in there.

All right?

Come on, Lar.

We'll--

I think you got a few pounds on me, boy.

Okay.

Hold on.

Get the picture, boy?

That's right, do it now.

Come on, boy, in there. Come on.

Up on the thing. One, two, three.

Boy? Larry? Come on.

You know better than that.

Come on, boy.

That's the way, boy!

Larry, you're adorable.

Boy, make yourself at home.

Shh. No noise.

No noise, boy.

( WHIMPERING )

Larry, what is it?

What's the matter with you now?

( WHIMPERING )

( WHIMPERING )

You son of a gun.

You're lonely for me.

♪ Lullaby

♪ And good night

♪ And your Daddy's--

( WHIMPERING )

What's the matter?

Oh, you're a german shepherd.

( SINGING BRAHMS' LULLABY IN MOCK GERMAN )

Rob?

Rob?

Rob. Hmm?

There's a baby crib in our room.

Huh?

I said, there's a baby crib in our room.

So what else is new?

Stop making jokes and tell me

what an empty crib is doing in our bedroom.

There's no dog in the crib.

There's no dog in the crib!

Larry? Larry? What are you talking about?

Laura, where is he? How would I know?

I didn't get any sleep last night.

Larry, boy?

Did you have the dog in here all night?

It was the only thing to keep him from crying.

I did it for you! Why did you do that?

I got Larry some chicken salad.

Rich, aren't you afraid of him?

Uh-uh, he's my friend.

Honey, last night you were so frightened.

What made you change?

He did. What'd he do?

When I woke up, he was sleeping with me.

In your bed?

With his head on my pillow.

And he didn't look like a wolf anymore.

He looked like a dog, so I gave him chicken salad.

I was gonna use this for our sandwiches

for the trip tomorrow.

Can't we stay home and feed larry the chicken salad?

Hey, Rich, you'd rather stay here

and feed Larry chicken salad

than go stay in a motel?

Yes, can we? We sure can.

I mean, we have to discuss it with your mama first.

Can we, Laura?

Say yes, Mommy. That's our system.

Well, with those three pair of sad eyes staring at me,

how could I say no?

Yay! Yay!

Come on, Larry, say thank you to the people.

( BARKS ) That-a-boy.

We gotta go. Thanks again.

Okay. Bye, Buddy.

Remember, any time you happen to need a dog--

Daddy, if larry has puppies,

can we get one?

Rich, Larry is a male. He can't have any puppies.

I know, but his wife can.

Can we, Daddy?

Well, we'll have to discuss it with Mommy first.

And Mommy will have to discuss it with Buddy.

And Buddy will have to discuss it with Larry.

And Larry will have to discuss it with his wife.

'Cause that's our system, huh, Mommy?

♪♪