The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Meershatz Pipe - full transcript

♪♪

Commercial over, music fades,

and Alan says, uh-- Alan says, uh...

"Good night, folks. And remember--

if you ever find yourself in hot water, take a bath."

Good! Good, I like it!

Oh, wait a minute. We can't do it? Why?

We did it last week.

Oh, yeah, that's where I heard it.

Look, let's just have-- let's forget the joke

and have Alan come out and sing a lullaby.



A lullaby?! What's the matter with lullabies?

Well, lullabies are fine, but they put me to sleep,

and the show's too long now.

We'll cut down some of the comedy spots.

Cut down the comed-- Are you out of your m--

Cut the comed-- Look at this! These jokes are gold!

Not gold. Lead. I read 'em.

You read 'em, but you don't listen to what you're reading.

You gotta listen, you gotta hear it like Alan would say it.

Look at this one. "Calling car 32, calling car 32!

Wipe off your windshield, someone is stealing your radiator cap!"

That's beautiful!

How can you cut jokes like this?

Easy.



You're just sort 'cause I wrote the spot.

Oh, what kind of a crack is that, Buddy?

Well, you wrote-- I put down the thing--

fellas, hold it, please.

I have the solution. We'll compromise.

We'll use the jokes and sing the lullaby.

Yeah, swell, except we got no time for a lullaby.

We'll have it if we sing it like this.

( SINGING FAST ) ♪ Rock-a-bye, baby, on the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ... ♪

Sally. Sally, all right already.

♪ Cradle and all

Sally, will you cut out the joking around?

Yeah, cut out the joking around. We're writing a comedy show.

We got no time for jokes. Not for bad jokes.

Bad jokes?! Did I ever write a bad joke?

Look, you call this a bad joke? Listen to this.

Alan's standing there and he says, "You know, folks,

"today those foreign cars are so small,

"I put out my hand to turn a corner,

one of 'em ran up my sleeve."

We need fresh humor on this show.

Fellas, hold it!

I suggest we take a nice five-minute break.

I think Rob could use it.

He looks like he could use a five-week break.

What's with him?

What's the matter, Rob? You sick or something?

Or has your brain just run out of ideas?

No, I'm all right, Sal. I'm just tired.

Why don't you take a little rest, huh?

Just relax. How about a cigarette, Buddy?

No, thanks, I'll just take a puff of my pipe.

Pipe? Looks more like a fancy pencil box.

Oh, boy, that's a piece of furniture.

It happens to be a Meershatz.

I never heard of it.

You never heard of Lazlo Meershatz,

the greatest pipe maker in Vienna?

This guy carved only four of them.

Lucky.

Where'd you get it? It was a present.

Present? Yeah.

From whom? Alan.

Alan? Mm-hmm.

Alan Brady? Yeah.

You mean our boss gave it to you?

Mm-hmm.

Let's see, it's not Christmas,

it's not your birthday.

He just gave it to you like that,

for no reason at all? How come?

Maybe he appreciates my work.

May I see it? Yeah.

Hey, did you ever see the collection Alan has?

Oh, he must have 500 pipes in his den.

In his den? In his house?

No, the den in his car.

What kind of a question is that?

When were you at Alan's house?

Last night. We were chatting there for a while.

Hey, isn't that a beautiful new game room he's got?

Gorgeous the way he's got it fixed up.

I wouldn't know. I haven't been to Alan's

since I signed my contract last year.

Well, uh, maybe if and when

you sign a new contract next year,

you might get to see it.

Sally, let's get back to work. We've got a lot--

Hold it, Charlie. Just 'cause you got a pipe

don't make you head writer.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Uh, sir, back to the rock pile?

Yeah, yeah, let's get back to work.

We need a bit at the finish.

How about "Good night, folks"--

No, Alan's sitting at the piano--

Hey, is that ivory?

No, it's a Meerschaum, I told you.

Look--oh, ivory! Beautiful!

Finish it with an ivory joke at the piano, right?

He sits and he looks at the keys and says,

"Do you realize that it takes two elephants

to make the keys for a piano like this?"

And the guest star says, "My, I didn't know

those big brutes did such delicate work."

Buddy, I don't like it. I don't like it.

You don't like anything I come up with lately.

All right, you're the head writer. You come up with something.

Well, Alan just comes out, says, "Thanks a lot, folks,

for being with us. We'll see you next week."

Hee hee! Oh, that's beautiful!

They'll holler and scream at that!

Okay, all right, you go right ahead

and do your ivory bit.

You know more about show business that I do.

Just go ahead and run the whole show.

I'll go home, maybe I'll get a little understanding there.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, honey.

Hi, Daddy! Hello, Daddy!

Did you bring me anything?

No, Rich, Daddy didn't bring you anything tonight.

Then come and read me a story.

Oh, Rich, not tonight. Daddy's tired.

Not even Hansel and Gretel?

Especially Hansel and Gretel.

I've read it to you a hundred times.

Aw, Daddy! Just to the funny part.

The funny part? Yeah!

When Hansel pushes the witch in the oven and burns her up.

Oh. Ritchie, please, not tonight.

Oh, Rob, I've been promising him all day you'd read to him.

All right. Here, I'll read you

a couple of pages out of this.

The Brave Chief.

Okay, okay.

"Once upon a time, many moons ago,

"the people of the wanakanda tribe

"were ruled by a brave and fearless chief

named chief crazy nose."

Yeah, chief crazy nose. Yeah.

"He ruled wisely and well, and he took an oath

"that, as long as he lived,

he would smoke... The peace pipe."

Yeah, pipe.

"The pipe was a symbol."

Yeah, the pipe was a symbol.

"This pipe--"

Let's read Hansel and Gretel.

Where is that part?

I want to hear about the pipe.

No, look, I'll read to you about the witch

and where they push her in the oven and burn her. It's a nicer story.

I want to hear about the pipe.

Ritchie, what is so important about a pipe?

Let's eat, Laurie. All right.

Mommy didn't say ready yet.

Ritchie, I said that is all, and I meant it!

Ow! Mommy! Daddy hit me! He hit me!

I did not hit you. I merely slammed the book down.

I didn't hit you.

Well, somebody did!

Are you calling your father a liar?

Daddy doesn't like me! He doesn't like me!

Oh, I do too like you.

I love you.

Now, come out of there, you little monster.

I love you. See?

Go wash your hands for dinner, honey.

Now, what was that all about?

Well, why did you have to have me read to him about a pipe?

Why couldn't I read about Hansel and Gretel

and burning up the witch?

It had to be about a pipe.

That's all I've been hearing all day long is pipes.

What pipes?

Ohh.

Buddy's been gloating all day

about a pipe that Alan gave him.

Well, he didn't give me a pipe.

I am supposed to be the head writer, you know.

But, darling, you don't even smoke a pipe.

It's not only the pipe.

Buddy has been getting dinner invitations,

expensive gifts from Alan all week long.

All I've gotten is, "Good morning, Rob."

Seems to me like he could show a little appreciation for the work I do.

Rob, do you feel all right?

Yeah, I feel fine. Why not?

Your eyes look kind of funny.

Boy, I'm glad something about me has been funny.

My brain sure hasn't been.

Maybe you'll feel better after dinner.

Oh, honey, I haven't got any appetite.

Look, I'm gonna go lie down a while. It's been a hard day.

All right, dear.

Look, Daddy, my hands are clean! All of 'em.

Swell.

Daddy doesn't like me.

Oh, Ritchie, don't be silly. Your daddy loves me.

He might love me, but he doesn't like me.

Honey, he does too.

He just doesn't like himself today.

When will daddy like himself again?

By tomorrow morning, I'm sure.

Good. I like him better when he likes himself.

Should I start your breakfast?

Ohh. You'd better hold off on breakfast.

Not feeling any better?

No. no, I'm-- I'm fine.

I just haven't got my sea legs yet.

( CHUCKLES )

I'll do my 20 pushups

and get the old blood circulating,

I'll be right off to work.

Nothing like 20 pushups

to get a man off to a good start in the morning.

That's one!

That's--that's--

that's still one.

I'll tell you what.

I think I'll do the one here.

I'll do the other 19 down at the office.

Honey, I think you'd better forget about the office today.

Why? Your eyes still have that funny look.

Because they've been closed all night.

Come on, back to bed.

Oh, now, Laurie, I gotta get down to the office

and write that show. I've got half a show left to write.

Rob, you're not well.

Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.

Really? Then how come you can't out-wrestle a 112-pound woman.

Because I am not really trying, that's why.

Try.

Oh, all right.

You want to play around? Okay.

Ahh.

( GRUNTS )

okay, Gorgeous George, knock it off.

So you're strong than me. What does that prove?

It proves you're sick.

Laurie, I'm perfectly all right.

I've gotta get down there and write a show.

Rob, Buddy and Sally can write it.

Just what I'm afraid of. I've gotta get down there

and protect my job.

Oh, you can't be worried about your job.

I can't be worried about my job.

Buddy already has my pipe.

( SIGHS )

For heaven's sake, Rob. Tell you what--

if you stay in bed like a good little boy,

I'll buy you a whole rack full of pipes,

and you can blow bubbles and everything.

I'll get you a coloring book and crayons.

Laurie... I am not sick.

Well, let's just see if Dr. Jacoby says you're not sick.

Oh, fine thing.

You'd take the word of a strange doctor

over that of your own husband.

I'm going down there and write that show.

Hello, Miss Wilson. This is Mrs. Petrie.

May I speak with the doctor, please?

Doctor? Laurie--

I wonder if you could come over...

Quite fooling around.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

( STUFFY NOSE ) It's Rob Petrie, the head writer

of the Alan Brady Show, that's who.

I sound different because my wife thinks I've got a cold.

All right. All right.

I'll wait for his call.

Who were you talking to, dear?

I just called the office.

Oh, how are things going?

Oh, just great.

What did Buddy have to say? Buddy?

Buddy is in conference and can't be bothered with me.

He will call me at his convenience.

Laurie, I'm going down there.

The natives are restless.

Rob, you can't. You're sick.

I am not sick!

But the doctor said you were to stay in bed.

I'll prove to you that I am not sick.

When you're sick, you haven't got any appetite, right?

Right. And you can't taste anything.

Rob--

That should prove there's nothing wrong with my sense of taste.

That was the best chicken broth I ever tasted.

That was warm salt water for you to gargle with.

ROB: Hello? Rob?

Buddy. Yeah.

Buddy, I called you three hours ago.

Why didn't you call me back?

I'm sorry, Rob, but sally and me

have been working like crazy on the show.

Oh, how's it coming?

Beautiful, beautiful.

We got a great idea for the sketch.

We showed it to Alan, and he flipped over it.

Oh, well, I'm sorry I can't help you punch it up, Buddy.

You don't have to help us punch it up.

Alan said it's the funniest thing he's seen all season.

You mean...

You don't want it... Punched up?

Look, Rob, when are you coming back to work?

Tomorrow morning, buddy.

We've got to start on the opening monologue.

Stay home, take care of yourself.

We're fine down here.

You don't, uh, need me?

Hey, look, Rob, I gotta hang up on you.

Alan just called for Sally and I to come in

for a conference for next week's show.

Buddy, you-- Next week's--

Next week's show? Where does he get off doing next week's show?

What are you doing out of bed?

Oh. I'm all well!

I'm all right. I just had a touch of seven-hour virus.

It's all gone. I'll just have a last gargle

and be right on my way.

Rob. Rob! ( GARGLING )

You're gargling with chicken rice soup.

Rice? Yes.

Good. I thought my teeth were falling out.

( RUSTLING )

( LAURA GROANS )

( DOOR CREAKS )

( WHISPERING ) Mommy.

Oh, good morning, sweetheart.

Don't make any noise. Daddy isn't feeling well.

Can I keep the dollar bill?

What, sweetie?

Can I keep the dollar bill?

Oh, yes. Sure, sweetie, keep it.

Can I keep it even if I tell you?

Yeah.

Ritchie? Come here.

Tell me what?

What I'm not supposed to tell you.

What aren't you supposed to tell me?

That dad's gone to work.

Oh. that Daddy's gone to work?!

Oh, no, he wouldn't.

What--he'd sneak out of here with--

Rob! Rob petrie, you come back here! ( CAR DRIVES OFF )

ohh! Foolish man.

That foolish, stupid man!

Why is Daddy stupid?

Because he doesn't know how smart he is.

He's stupid because he's smart?

Well, not really stupid, dear.

I used the wrong word.

What's the right word?

There's a word grown-ups use

to describe the way your daddy's feeling.

Is it "unsecure"?

Unsec--

where did you hear that word?

On Popeye Theater. On Popeye Theater?

Yeah, that's what Olive Oyl called Popeye

when he didn't know how strong he was.

And who said television wasn't educational?

I didn't!

( SNEEZES )

Don't worry. Alan will love it. Believe me, I know.

After all, I am the producer.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, shut up.

Rob, what on earth are you doing here?

I work here. At least I did two days ago.

Just a moment.

Rob, what are you doing here?

Rob, how do you feel?

I'm fine. Fine?

You look like an ad for "Send this boy to camp".

Well, I don't want to go to camp.

Just a moment!

Where do you think you're going?

To my office, naturally.

As producer of this show,

I forbid you to enter this office.

You're contagious. Contagious?

The Alan Brady Show goes on the air tomorrow night.

I'm not going to risk Alan's health

by allowing you to come in contact with him.

I came here to write for him,

not to kiss him.

Rob, wait a minute. We don't need you.

Old blubber-nose here is right.

Yeah, Rob, the show's all written.

There's no sense in taking the chance

on giving us all the flu.

So you just get right back on that elevator

and take your germs with you.

Wait, what about next week's show?

Don't worry about it. It's all laid out.

And it sure looks like a winner.

Yeah, look, you take care of the germs,

we'll take care of the jokes.

Rob, I just don't understand

how you could be so selfish and unthinking.

Now, you go home and stay there.

Down?

Yeah, down.

Down and...out.

( CHATTER ON TV ) ( LAUGHING )

How ridiculous?

Go ahead, laugh me into the unemployment office.

Rob, it's funny.

I hate to tell you this, sir,

but you're eating my wife's hat.

( LAUGHING )

Oh, it's not that funny.

I know, dear, but he's eating it funny.

The audience seems to think so, too.

That happens to be a great audience.

They've been laughing at everything.

Rob, I've never seen you like this.

You're usually so honest and objective.

It's pretty hard to be honest when you find out you're not needed.

Oh, darling, of course you're needed.

No, I'm not. they're doing a great show without me.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna call Alan and tell him it's a great show...

And resign.

Resign? Oh, Rob,

why would you want to do a silly thing like that?

I don't think it's so silly.

It's better for me to resign before I get fired.

At least it'll look better on my record

when I go look for another job.

Rob, nobody can take your place.

You're the head writer on the Alan Brady Show

because you've got talent, you've got taste,

you've got sensitivity.

I haven't got a pipe.

Rob...

Oh, let's face it, honey.

Why pay three writers to do a show

when two can do it just as well?

I'm gonna wait till he signs off the air,

and I'm gonna call him and tell him.

( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )

Come on, alan, say your good nights.

I got an important phone call for you.

Save you a lot of money and embarrassment.

ALAN: Well, that's it for tonight, folks. I hope you liked or show.

Oh, by the way, before I say good night,

I have an important phone call to make.

Yeah, me, too.

( PHONE RINGS ) Hello?

Hello, I'd like to speak with Rob Petrie, please.

I'm--I--it's I! I'm him, Al!

Alan, it's me-- Rob!

Look, head writer, will you please shake that virus and get back to work?

Don't make us go through another week without you.

If you got sick just to prove we need you,

you made your point.

By the way, I have a message from your co-writers

I'd like to read to you. It says...

"Dear Rob... He-e-e-e-elp!"

And it's signed "Buddy and Sally".

Is there an answer, Rob?

Yeah. Tell them I hated the show.

It was too good.

Folks, he said he hated the show. It was too good.

Well, take it easy, Rob. See you soon.

Yeah, Alan. see you.

Well, that's it for tonight, folks.

Remember--when you walk down the street,

keep a smile on your face. You'll be amazed

at how many people will come up to you

and say, "What's so funny?"

Hey, you.

Look out, you'll catch my cold.

I'll take my chances.

I said, "For better or worse,

in sickness and in health."

Ah, it's only a chest cold anyway.

( HUMMING )

Hey! There he is! Welcome home!

Welcome home, Robbie!

Beautiful! You're looking well.

A little welcome-home present from me to you.

Aww, Sally, you didn't have to do that.

Be careful, be careful.

Careful? Yes, be careful.

It's chicken soup.

Yeah, made it myself.

Laura told me you like to gargle with it.

Say, uh, a little something from me to you.

Just kind of a token of my esteem.

Buddy, your Meershatz pipe!

Oh, Buddy, I can't take this.

That's all right. That one's yours.

I got my own right here.

Where'd you get that one?

Same place I got that one--

down at the corner drug store.

You mean Alan didn't give you that pipe?

Alan? Give me a present?

It aggravates him to give me my salary.

You mean to tell me that all that jazz

about Lazlo Meershatz and the pipe--

you just made that up to make us both feel like second bananas?

Yeah.

Good thinking!

Are you kidding? You really went for all that stuff about--

Hoo-hoo! Boy, I really put you on!

Had her fooled. I--

Oh, you knew I was kiddin', didn't you, Rob?

Me? Heh! Yeah!

( ALL LAUGHING )

♪♪