The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 11 - Forty-Four Tickets - full transcript

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( WHISTLING )

Rob, what are you doing?

Just lying here now.

Are you all right?

I felt something tear near my sacrum.

Oh, no, not again.

( STRAINING ) Oh, yeah, I felt something rip.

Honey, don't move. I'll call Dr. Jacoby.

No, don't call him. Don't be a hero.

If you've actually ripped something...



I ripped something, all right.

My underwear.

Boy, for a good dancer, you sure trip a lot.

This time, it was Ritchie's fault.

Ritchie went to bed an hour ago.

Uh-huh, but he left a booby trap for me.

Look at that. What are we gonna do with that boy?

I told him 1,000 times to pick--

told him to pick up his toys!

Well, he's forgetful, like his daddy.

I'm not forgetful. Honey, you must've reminded him

not two minutes before he went to bed to pick this truck up.

I'm sorry, I'll put it away.

That's his problem.



What is?

You are. I am?

Honey, you're either picking things up for him

or reminding him to.

Honey, he's only a child.

He'll remain one the rest of his life

unless we start training him.

I've got a good mind to go in there,

wake him up and make him put that truck away.

That'll teach him to remember.

You wouldn't really wake him, would you?

Well, I should. But I won't,

'cause Jerry and Millie will be here in about three minutes.

They will?

Uh-huh. don't tell me you forgot

our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie.

Well, I-- aha. You did forget.

So he's forgetful like his daddy, huh?

Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

What's today?

Tuesday.

Good. Good?

Yeah, it'll give me a day to fix this broken leg.

Oh, it's all right.

Want to play cards?

You mean to tell me, after that big speech on forgetfulness,

you forgot what day it was?

Yeah, I thought yesterday was today.

Did you give it to him good, Laura?

I never get the chance.

Rob always gives it to himself.

I must say, he's very honest

about his shortcomings.

One of the many reasons she loves me.

Hey, Rob, you trying to stall just because we're ahead?

Come on, bid.

Oh, I'm sorry. What's the bid?

Rob, you dealt. Huh?

It's your bid.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Talk about being forgetful.

Uh, one spade.

What's the matter? You have a rough time

at the office this week?

As a matter of fact, he did,

so don't pick on him.

I hope that doesn't mean

you've written a rotten show.

Two hearts.

Don't worry, we wrote a good show.

Can't afford to let our neighbors down.

Or the members of the P.T.A.

The P.T.A.?

Don't tell me you forgot you invited the P.T.A. to your show.

Two no trump!

Wow.

That's what I call a strong bid.

You haven't forgotten about the P.T.A.

Coming to your studio.

Well-- ouch!

I think she meant this for you.

Ow!

No, I didn't forget the tickets.

Looks to me like you did forget.

Don't be silly. How could he forget 44 tickets?

Yeah. How could I forget 44 tickets

to The Alan Brady Show this week?

All taken care of, yes, sirree.

Is it gonna be a good show?

I hate to get all dressed up and drive down there

just to see a clinker.

Hey, yeah, it may be a clinker.

Shall I cancel your tickets?

Don't you dare. I want to see the show

in the studio, in person.

Pass. What do you want to do, dear?

I wish I knew.

About the bidding.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Uh, what'd you bid?

Two hearts. And two no trump.

Pass. Pass.

I'll bid, uh...

Four no tickets.

Four no tickets?

Heh! Did I say that?

( CHUCKLES ) I meant 44 no trump.

Or--

44 no tickets.

Okay, let me say that again.

Uh, four no trump.

Neighbor, do you really think

you're gonna make four no trump?

It'd be a lot easier if I make 44 no tickets.

Well, let's play tickets.

Ow!

I got another message for you.

Oh! Uh, let's play cards.

Listen, try to improve your game a bit.

I like a little competition.

See you later. Bye, Millie.

How could you forget 44 tickets?

Easy.

Oh, Robert!

What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"?

I could just as well say, "Oh, Laura."

You're not going to try to blame me for your forgetfulness.

Honey, you could've at least reminded me.

You just last night made a big speech

about not reminding Rich.

Do you or do you not like reminders?

Well, only when I forget.

Is there someone you can call?

Yeah, I can call those 44 people up

and tell them to stay home.

Rob, you get on that phone

and start calling someone on the show.

Who? Who am I gonna call?

Mel Cooley. He's the producer.

Maybe he can do something.

All right, I'll try him,

but I'm sure he won't be any help to us.

Problem? Problem? What kind of a problem?

What happened? What's the matter with the show?

Couldn't you finish the sketch? What? What?

I need some tickets for this week's show.

Tickets? Is that all?

Rob, I'm surprised at you.

Do you realize that I almost took an aspirin?

Mel, I'm sorry. That would've been awful.

What's awful?

He almost took an aspirin.

How many tickets do you need?

Two? Three? Four?

Heh. Mel, as a matter of fact,

I need 44.

Mel?

Mel?

What'd he say?

I think he took the aspirin.

Mel, look, what's the most I can have?

Four.

Now, Rob, if you wanted that many tickets,

you should've spoken to me weeks ago.

You know how popular our show is,

how people are constantly clamoring for tickets.

I know, Mel. I heard the clamoring.

All right. Thanks a lot, Mel.

Bye.

That's four.

Now all we need are 40 more tickets.

And if we don't get them?

Oh, no problem. We'll change our names,

sell the house and move to a new neighborhood.

Mel, I really appreciate it.

Hey, if you scare up any more,

hold them for me, will you?

Okay. Thanks.

That's two more from Mel. That makes six.

Now all we need to keep our standing in the P.T.A.

Are 38 more tickets.

Yoo-hoo! Mrs. Petrie!

Oh, Mrs. Billings. Here for the tickets.

Do come in.

Good morning, dear.

I do hope that I'm not disturbing you,

but I was on my way into town and I suddenly thought

I ought to drop over and pick up those tickets for the show.

Oh, hello. Hello.

Rob, you remember Mrs. Billings of the P.T.A.

Oh, yes. Hello, Mrs. Bickets--

Billings.

Well, we only met a few times at the meetings,

but I feel I know him so well.

Would you like a cup of coffee? Thank you, dear.

Won't you sit down? Yes, thank you.

You see, I watch the show every week,

and, of course, I read your name on the screen.

It looks so nice. "The Alan Brady Show, written by Robert Petrie."

It makes us very proud to have an author in our neighborhood.

Why, thank you very much, Mrs. Billings.

It's nice of you to say that.

I hope you're planning a good show for us.

Well, we do our best.

The shows are just wonderful.

I adore Alan Brady.

And I particularly like the way they're written.

Well, thank you very much.

Uh, generally.

Of course, there have been one or two shows

that Mr. Billings and I simply had to turn off.

Oh, I do hope you don't mind

my saying that we didn't like all of your shows.

Oh, not at all, Mrs. Billings.

As a matter of fact, it's the only way we have of finding out

what people prefer.

What shows didn't you like?

Well, I'm no expert.

But I do know what I like.

And I don't like it when Mr. Brady, your star,

comes out and tells those jokes.

Uh, which jokes? He tells them on every show.

Yes. I don't like that.

Well, yes.

You don't think those are funny?

Heh. Do you?

Well-- oh, I know.

You can't really say what you think.

I could, but I don't dare.

Oh, I understand.

You don't mind my telling you these things?

Mind? Oh, I knew you wouldn't.

Oh, I am just looking so forward

to seeing my favorite show.

Your favorite show?

Why, I wouldn't miss it.

You see, it sharpens my critical sense.

Well, you just give me the tickets.

I'll mail them out to our people.

Uh, you're gonna mail them?

Rob, is that the best way to handle the tickets?

Uh, no, that's not the best way. No?

As a matter of fact, that's the worst way.

The best way is for me to hold the tickets,

and I'll seat you personally.

That's terribly sweet of you, Mr. Petrie.

( NERVOUS LAUGHTER )

Well, then shall I just tell everyone

to rally at the studio?

Yes, you tell everyone to rally.

Now, you will write

a good show for us this week?

Yes, we'll have something

for you to sharpen our critical thing on.

Thank you, dear. Just remember

that there will be 44 of us right there watching.

Swell.

Bye. Good-bye.

That's what I call a real fan.

Honey, how many more do we need?

Still 38.

38. Wish me luck. I'm gonna spend the day

begging, borrowing and stealing.

Good luck, honey.

Bye. bye, Ritchie.

Bye, Daddy.

Mommy, is Daddy gonna steal today?

No, Daddy was just making a joke.

Oh. Heh heh! That was a funny joke.

What was?

I don't know.

Here's a couple of tickets I was supposed to give my butcher,

but he got stuck in the freezer and got pneumonia.

Oh, wonderful.

Wonderful my butcher got pneumonia?

Boy, are you desperate.

How many more now do you need, Rob?

Let's see, with your 2 and Buddy's 2, 34.

Why don't you call up the people and say you don't have tickets?

I can't do that now.

You mean you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up,

hire sitters, drive into town, just to tell them they have to drive back home,

take off their clothes and un-hire the sitters?

Sally, will you please not be so graphic?

Let's just say I need 34 tickets.

Now, any ideas, you guys?

Yeah. I got it. I got an idea.

Beginner's luck.

Don't make jokes. This is on the level.

This will solve the whole problem for you.

You get the whole neighborhood together,

put them in a chartered bus

and drive them down to the studio.

How does that solve the problem?

Easy, you get a drunken bus driver,

and it crashes into a lamppost.

I got a better idea.

Get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus

and fly it out of the country.

Thanks a lot, you guys. You've been a big help.

I'm desperate, and you're making jokes.

Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the P.T.A..

Only the P.T.A.?

Do you know what the P.T.A. stands for?

Three things that I respect and fear--

parents, teachers and associations.

Especially when they're angry.

I gotta get those tickets.

All right, can you come up with any better ideas?

I told Laurie that I'd beg, borrow and steal.

So far, I've begged six from Mel,

borrowed four from you guys...

Now who can I steal from?

Rob?

Hey! Look who's here. Friar Tuck.

Here are those tickets I promised you, Rob.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

There you are. Thanks, Mel.

Are all those others spoken for?

Loudly and clearly.

These are for the employees of the united nations.

Well, couldn't you just let me have a few of them?

Say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?

Come, now, Rob. You wouldn't want me

to create an international situation

just because of your P.T.A..

Sure I would!

( LAUGHS ) I know you're just joshing.

Well, back to work.

Uh, Mel, Mel...

How does this week's show look?

Fine, just great.

Got a minute?

Buddy came up with an idea for a comedy sketch,

and we'd like to get your opinion on it.

It'll only take a minute.

If it was buddy's idea, it'll just take a second.

We thought it'd be kind of funny if--

( LAUGHS ) if Alan did a...

( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

( LAUGHING )

( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

he gets all involved with the--

he gets all involved with the--

With what?

We haven't worked that part out yet.

How do you like it so far?

It's a riot.

How would you know, curly?

Will you please tell this person

that I was not hired for this job

to be the butt of his jokes?

Hey! Whose jokes were you hired

to be the butt of?

Oh! Yechh!

Mel! Mel, you dropped your tickets.

BUDDY: Come on. Rob...

That's funny. I could've sworn I put 'em right here.

Maybe you got a hole in your pocket.

No, I don't have a hole in my pocket. Look.

Have you checked your head?

Buddy, behave yourself, please.

Mel, we've got a confession to make.

We stole them from you

to show you how desperate I am.

I'm sorry. I'd like to help you,

but my U.N. is more important than your P.T.A..

U.N.P.T.A.! Hey, he knows five letters already!

Next year, he'll be able to wave bye-bye.

Well, that was a big step forward.

Now you only need 34 tickets.

And you only got a couple of hours to get 'em.

What are you doing, Rob?

Something I should've done a long time ago.

Now, look, don't talk. Just listen to me.

Now, I'm not gonna say that you could've reminded me,

but you could've reminded me.

Now, I've done my best. I've tried, begged, pleaded.

My friends have stolen from me, and we're still 34 tickets shorts.

Now, I've done everything I can, believe me.

Will you do both of us a favor,

call Mrs. Billings and tell her the truth?

Tell her that I forgot the tickets,

and if the P.T.A. wants to hate us and ostracize us,

it's all right with me. I'm fed up! Let 'em go to--

Ritchie, is Mommy home?

Now, look, don't talk. Just listen to me.

I begged and pleaded, and we're still 34 tickets short.

We're not?

Honey, you're kidding.

What happened? What happened?

Cancellations. That's great.

How many do we need now?

33.

Big help.

Can't I just call Mrs. Bill--

all right. All right, honey.

I'll keep trying.

All right, what are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna sit here, put my head in my hands,

and try very hard not to cry.

At least they're not here yet.

Darling, I admire your courage. Not many people

would come down to a theater to meet 43 people

knowing that 33 of them aren't going to get in.

We've still got a few minutes before they're due to arrive.

How are you going to get 33 tickets in half an hour?

By devious means, if necessary. excuse me.

Pardon me, sir. I'm from out of town,

and I'd like to see the show, but I don't have a ticket.

I'm sorry, I only got this one.

You wouldn't like to sell it. Who wouldn't?

I'll sell anything for a price.

How much? Make me an offer.

Um, 50 cents? Sold.

What'll you give me for the hat? No, thanks.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Good businessman.

You bought that ticket from him.

Honey, it was a bargain.

But it's not legal, is it?

No. Neither is tarring and feathering,

and that's what they'll do to us if we don't get these tickets.

I've got to find somebody.

Uh, excuse me, miss? I'm from out of town.

We came to see the show, and I only have one ticket.

That's my wife over there.

Oh, she's a very pretty lady.

Yes, she is.

But, you see, she doesn't have a ticket.

Well, I couldn't give her my ticket.

I love Alan Brady. I never miss his show.

Yes, but I was wondering if you might have an extra ticket.

Let me see. I might just have one.

Are all those for The Alan Brady Show?

Heavens, no.

These are for all different shows.

Quiz shows and game shows and kiddie shows.

You see, I don't own a Television set.

Oh, here's an extra one for your pretty wife.

Oh, thank you very much.

This is very, very kind of you.

Uh, that'll be a dollar.

A dollar? Take it or leave it.

I just got one over there for 50 cents.

From a fella in a battered hat? Yeah.

He sells last week's tickets.

That son of a gun!

I run a legitimate business.

Well, here you are, miss.

Put that away! Why?

The cops! Ow! Ow!

What's going on here?

Probably a cramp in his foot.

Honey, what happened?

A foot cramp.

One of those kinds where the big toe

separates from the other four? Yeah.

Those are murder. I get those all the time.

Just keep walking on it.

Don't favor it. Step down real hard on it.

I think it's fine, now. Thank you very much.

You get those often? Once in a while.

Could be your diet. May be your cholesterol.

You had your cholesterol checked lately? Better have it checked.

You know what else it could be? Tight shoes.

You'd better loosen your shoelaces. I will. I--

he's loosening my shoelaces.

Keep wiggling your toes around in there.

These italian shoes are too--

that looks all right.

That feels fine.

Better watch your cholesterol. Will, will.

Watch your shoelaces, too. You'll trip over them.

Thank you.

I'll take the dollar now.

There you are, miss. Thank you very much.

Uh, mister?

You owe me ten cents more.

What's the ten cents for?

Federal tax.

You charge federal tax?

Young man, I run a legitimate business.

Here's your dime.

You ought to be ashamed,

trying to cheat the government.

Look at that. A patriotic ticket scalper.

How many do we need now? 31, honey.

One of them's from last week,

but sneak it somewhere in the middle.

How long have we got before the gang's due here?

I'd say less than two seconds.

Turn and greet your guests, darling.

Oh, now I know how Custer felt.

( ALL GREETING )

Here you are. And here I am.

And here's my wife.

And all ready to see a fine show.

Shall we go in? Yeah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Honey, would you give me all the tickets

except 31?

All the tickets except 31?

That's right.

Here they are. Thank you, honey.

Now, Mrs. Billings, here are 12 tickets.

12 of you can go right on in.

How about the other 31?

Well, we have kind of a surprise for them.

Don't we, dear? Oh, we do?

I mean, we do! Yes, indeed.

Mrs. Billings, would you have everyone

rally over there in front of that sign?

Everyone right over there.

That's it, folks.

Right over there.

Honey, what are you going to do?

I'm going to tell them the truth. The truth?

Yeah, but I'm gonna do it so charmingly

that there's a very good chance they won't kill me.

Well, hello, neighbors. Hi there, how are you?

How's the crabgrass? Ha ha ha ha!

Well, fellow members of the P.T.A.

I-- I have been living in our little community

for the past couple of years.

My son Ritchie goes to the public school.

I'd like to go on record as saying--

such incompetence! I demand--

( OVERLAPPING SHOUTS )

Mel? Mel? Mel? Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like you to meet the charming producer

of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.

Not now! I've got a problem!

He's my boss.

Folks, about six weeks ago...

Uh, Mrs. Billings-- a very charming and lovely lady--

requested 44 tickets to the--

excuse me, Mr. Petrie.

That's a perfectly lovely speech you're making. Thank you.

But we did come down here to see a show.

Shouldn't we be going into the studio?

Yes, Mrs. Billings, you should.

Uh, folks, I'm afraid I have a little surprise for you--

Rob, Rob, Rob.

Uh, excuse me. there seems to be some problem.

Don't go away. I'll be right back.

Excuse me, folks.

Mrs. Petrie, is everything all right?

Oh, yes, yes, everything's fine. Just fine, fine.

Laura, what's wrong? Something's wrong. Is something wrong?

I have a sneaking suspicion that Rob doesn't have the tickets.

Yes, yes, he has tickets.

No, I don't have any tickets. What?

Folks, I might as well tell you the truth.

Wait, now, don't turn into a mob.

Folks, there seems to be a problem with tonight's show.

The finale of tonight's show--

which you were invited to see--

is a parade scene.

And it seems the producer neglected to hire enough extras

to make a big enough crowd.

Now, I know that I invited you down here to watch the show,

but I'm wondering if I might impose upon all of you

to be in the show.

( ALL CHATTERING AT ONCE )

what do you say?

( ALL SHOUTING )

Oh, Mr. Petrie,

that's such a wonderful surprise.

All right, folks, if you'll just follow me,

I'll show you where the backstage entrance is.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

Rob, you're a very lucky man.

Why, that's what everyone told me at the wedding.

Good night, Ritchie.

Look, it's late. You go right to sleep.

RITCHIE: Okay, Daddy!

Oh, am I glad this day is over.

Oh, me, too. Honey, will you remind me

never to forget anything again?

Oh, Rob!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

When are you going to stop tripping?

As soon as our son remembers to pick up his toys!

Well, like father, like son.

I'm not like that! I don't leave my toy trucks

laying all over the house.

True, but you sometimes forget

your toy briefcase.

Aah! Honey! Oh!

( SHOUTING )

I'm sorry!

♪♪