The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 8 - To Tell or Not to Tell - full transcript

♪♪

All right, let's get another big one, come on.

Come on, Rob.

♪ You gotta start off Each day with a joke ♪

♪ And everything Will be okie-doke ♪

♪ All your troubles Will go... ♪

( LYRICS INDISTINCT )

♪ If you start off Each day with a... ♪

Joke, joke, joke! Do a joke.

I got a joke. Did you hear about the fella

who crossed an abalone with a crocodile?



No. what'd he get? A crock-a-balone.

♪ You gotta start off Each day with a joke-- ♪

Hey, I got an idea. Let's do silly stories.

This sophisticated audience?

They'll never laugh at those.

Oh, I promise you they'll laugh.

What is that?

It's a laugh guarantee-er.

What do you do with it?

You'll find out.

Go ahead, do a silly story.

Uh, did you hear about the stick-up on the bridge?

No. Who threw it up there?

♪ You gotta start off Each day with a joke ♪



♪ And everything Will be okie-doke ♪

Hey, I know. What? What?

Let's do silly animal stories.

Silly animal stories? Yeah, wait a minute.

I gotta get a bigger guarantee-er.

Oh, no.

Silly animals. Two camels talking. Two camels talking.

One camel said, "i don't care what anybody says.

I'm thirsty."

Ohh!

Two elephants talking. Two elephants talking.

"i don't care what anybody says.

I can't remember a thing."

Two flies talking. Two flies talking.

Two flies talking.

One says, "Mrs. buzz-buzz, how's the baby?"

She says, "Sick. I had to walk the ceiling with him all night."

Two kangaroos talking.

Yeah, two kanga--

two kangaroos talking.

"Gee, I hope it doesn't rain today.

I hate when the children play inside."

♪ You gotta start off Each day with a joke ♪

Please, please.

Please, please. Don't applaud.

Just send phone numbers of single men.

Rob, how about you? You're next. You're up next.

I don't have to entertain. I'm the host.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

All right, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna do my impression of you.

Me! My favorite subject.

This is an impression of Buddy

walking that big police dog of his in central park.

Go ahead, Rob.

Heel, boy. heel, boy. Heel, boy.

Whoa. heh heh. How do you like that?

Six months old. He's full-grown.

Heel, boy! Heel! Heel, boy!

That's right. Face front, boy.

Isn't he a sweetheart? He's a--

aah! Ow! Boy, don't do that!

There, boy. we're gonna do some tricks now, boy.

Sit. sit.

Sit, boy. boy, sit!

Ha! Up, boy! Up!

All right, fella.

Now we're gonna roll over and play dead.

Down, over. That's right, play--

Let go, boy.

( INDISTINCT SHOUTING )

Sit up, boy.

Sit up, boy. aah!

Whoa! Rug! Rug, boy.

You behave yourself.

All right, boy, let's-- whoa!

Boy, come back! ( WHISTLES )

Here, boy!

That-a-baby, come to papa.

No, wait, boy!

Wait! Wait!

All right. ( PANTING )

Okay, that's all for the show, folks. Let's eat.

No! No! Laura hasn't been on yet!

( ALL AGREEING )

Oh, Sally--

I'll put the record on.

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

No, but-- Come on.

I'm just a housewife!

Come on!

That-a-girl!

( CHEERING )

Wow, what a way to break up a cold.

( CHEERING CONTINUES )

( MUSIC STOPS, ALL CHEERING )

( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )

Good night, Mel. Good night.

You were just marvelous.

Oh, thank you.

You were pretty good, too.

Oh, Rob, wasn't it a wonderful party?

Wasn't it just wonderful?

It was a wonderful party, honey. Let's go to sleep.

You're right, honey. It was a wonderful party, wasn't it?

Do you think I danced too much?

No, no, you were wonderful. Let's go to sleep.

You're right, I was wonderful, wasn't i?

You sure it wasn't too much, though?

Honey, they loved you. Now let's go to sleep.

They did love me, didn't they? Oh, I--

Of course, I think I did dance too long.

I mean, an hour and a quarter.

But I don't care! It's my house,

and I loved it, I loved every second of it!

ROB: I never saw anything like it.

She had the time of her life.

She said it was like being in show business again.

She did, huh?

I tell you what you have to do now.

Go home, break every dance record in the house,

and right away, you and Laura have a baby.

What is he talking about?

I don't know. But you know him--

Behind every silver lining, he finds the cloud.

Friend, do you mean you don't know

what happened to you last night?

No, what are you driving at?

Your life is about to come apart at the seams.

You're facing what they call

"the seven lean years".

Buddy, you are just not making any sense.

He does that very well.

She was deliriously happy last night.

You guys saw her-- the sparkle in her eye

and that big smile on her face.

Sure, she was smiling. Out of the kitchen, onto the stage.

You lost a wife and gained a roommate.

Now, come on, Buddy.

You'll see I'm right. Good-bye, home-cooked food,

hello, frozen dinners.

You know something? You are nuts.

She did a little bit of dancing last night,

and you've got me divorced and eating frozen dinners.

Buddy, it's when I see husbands like you

that I'm glad I'm single.

But that's the only time.

Oh, so I'm nuts, huh?

See? He admits it.

Rob, look, I've been through this whole bit before. I know.

You want me to show you exactly what Laura did last night

after everybody left? You ready?

"Oh, darling! I just loved it!

"I never danced like that in my life! It's been ages!

It was wonderful! Wasn't I swell?" Right?

How did you know?

You forget I got one of my own. My wife, Pickles.

Yeah, but she wasn't a dancer.

No, she was a showgirl. It's just as bad.

All career women are the same.

They're like old fire horses. One whiff of smoke,

and they want to bust out of the stable.

Well, you're looking at an old career girl

who's trying to break into the stable.

Three-room stable, with a modern kitchen and a built-in fella.

Ah, you're just saying that. And meaning it.

You mean you'd give up all this?

All what? Spending my life

with two happily married men?

Listen, just find me a nice home and a fella,

and bye-bye, show biz.

Nah, you don't mean that. Rob, listen to me.

The first week that you get off,

take Laura for a skiing trip.

Skiing? What for? Laura can't ski.

Heh. she'd break her leg.

Yeah.

Boy, you catch on fast!

One skiing trip-- your trouble's are all over, no problem.

My only problem is you.

Maybe Pickles goes berserk when she hears the fire bells,

but not Laura.

She's too happy and too busy

being a housewife and a mother.

Yeah, boy, what she was doing last night

sure didn't look like mending socks to me.

So she danced a little, and she enjoyed it.

Is that so terrible?

Dancing, no. Enjoying, yes.

Look, Buddy, I know my wife.

I didn't twist her arm to make her give up dancing.

She wanted to. She wanted to be a wife and a mother.

And in all the years we've been married,

I have never heard her say she was sorry, either.

Till last night.

She didn't say she was sorry last night.

Maybe not with her mouth,

but with every other part of her.

Suddenly he's a hip-reader.

Yeah, but sometimes the hip speak louder than the lip.

I've seen this happen before.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

You know something, Buddy?

The more you talk,

the more I realize there's something in what you say.

And most of it's pretty stupid.

Thanks a lot.

Look, Buddy, I know Laura.

She wouldn't go back to dancing professionally

if somebody handed it to her on a silver platter.

Good morning. Hi, Mel.

Good morning, Sally.

Good morning, Rob. Hi, Mel.

Say, I just had an idea.

Oh, that makes an even 1.

Do you think Laura would like to dance on the show this week?

Wait a minute, you been out there listening at the keyhole?

Rob, give him a rap right in the mouth.

Buddy, please. What's this all about, Mel?

Well, one of the dancers hurt her foot,

and I thought Laura would like to fill in for the week.

Rob, don't stand there, slug him.

Sally, will you please tell him

that I'm talking to him?

Him was talking to him.

Buddy's just trying to be helpful.

He thinks last night gave Laura the career bug again.

Oh, well, if you'd rather not take the chance.

No, wait a minute. Yes, he'd rather not.

Buddy, do you mind if I run my own life for five minutes?

You're liable to say something silly, like,

"Let her do what she wants. It's her life."

Look, I've got a great deal of work to do--

Go ahead, tear your hair out.

What about Laura?

Well...as a matter of fact,

I think she might get a kick out of being asked.

Rob, don't do anything rash.

Oh, leave him alone. It's his rash.

Mel, I know she'll turn it down,

but it'll make her feel so good

that you even thought of her.

Hi, honey.

Hey, you want to hear something cute?

Mel just came in and told us

they need a replacement dancer for this week's show,

and he thought you--

( LAUGHS ) Yeah!

That's right.

( LAUGHING )

Okay, honey. Yeah, I'll tell him. bye.

She'll be right over.

What's for dinner, Daddy?

Ravioli and meatballs.

What's ravioli?

Ravio--well, eat and find out.

I don't like it.

Ritchie, I went through a lot of trouble

defrosting these dinners. Now, you eat it.

Why can't we have regular food

like Mommy makes?

Because I don't know how to cook like your mommy does.

Eat your meatballs.

( CLACKING )

Rich, how about a milkshake?

I had one for lunch.

Well, how about peanut butter and jelly?

I had that for a snack.

How about a banana?

For dinner?

Sure, bananas are good for you.

Make you grow up big and strong.

Here, now, eat it.

Daddy? Hmm?

When's Mommy coming home?

Soon, Rich. why?

I like Mommy's bananas better.

( DOOR UNLOCKING )

Hi, honey.

Honey, you didn't have to wait up for me.

Are you kidding? I wanted to.

It's been practically four days since I did anything

but say hello and good-bye to you.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Boy, have I got a million questions for you.

Honey, with the washing machine--

when you put the soap in,

do you put it in when it goes "ding"

or "ding, ding"?

"Ding, ding".

Ohh!

"Ding, ding"?

I put it in on "ding".

Honey, do we take chocolate milk?

The milkman keeps asking me--

Sweetheart, not now, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Are you tired?

Very.

I guess dancing is rougher than housework, huh?

No, nothing's rougher than housework,

but I'm using a whole different set of muscles this week.

Yeah, me, too.

Honey, do you want some dinner?

What have you got? Bananas.

No, sweetie, I think I'll just lie here

and relax awhile. All right, darling?

Very all right.

( SIGHS ) That feels good.

I got a chocolate malt, one coffee, one skim milk,

a ham and cheese on rye, chopped liver and onion roll

and a wedge of lettuce. Who gets which?

I'll take anything that isn't ravioli and meatballs.

I'll give you one guess which one is mine.

Wedge of lettuce and skim milk.

Thanks a lot. You just blew your tip.

Hi, honey.

Wow!

Hi, Laura. Hi, Laurie.

Hi, Sally. Hi, Buddy.

We had a five-minute break. I thought--

Honey, do you have to parade around like that?

Like what? Like that.

Well, what's wrong with it?

Well, you're practically--

Yeah!

All right, hand out the stuff and beat it.

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Honey, go put some clothes on.

Darling, these are just leotards.

You've seen me wear them before.

I know. I have, but he hasn't.

Now, put this on.

Rob, this is silly.

All the girls wear them for rehearsal.

Those girls are girls.

That's different. You are a married woman.

Not today, brother. Today she's a girl girl.

Yeah!

All right, you. Beat it.

I ain't finished yet!

You want a bet?

Out, out.

Hey, can I say something?

What?

Va-va-va-voom!

How do you like that kid?

Isn't that nice? You're jealous.

Well, I have to get back, dear.

Just wanted to ask you to have Ritchie stay up tonight

till I get home and watch the show.

I thought he'd get a kick out of seeing his mother on TV

I'll see you tonight. Bye-bye.

Bye, Laura. So long, Laura.

Put some clothes on.

Ohh...

When does the skiing season start?

Now you're talking sense.

No, I'm only kidding, Buddy.

As a matter of fact, I'm glad she had this week.

I think it's done her a lot of good.

Come on, be honest. Have you really enjoyed it?

No. it was a rough week.

And I don't mind telling you that I'm glad it's over.

But we came through it all right.

Tomorrow we'll be all back to normal again.

And you know something? Laura thoroughly enjoyed it.

And that's important to me.

If a husband can't sacrifice at least one week for his wife,

he's not much of a husband.

That-a-boy, Rob.

Are you sure you haven't got a brother like you?

He's married.

Haven't got a young uncle hanging around, have you?

Distant cousin? Something?

Hey, how about your son Ritchie?

Nah, he'd probably rather go to camp.

Rob.

Oh, here's good news again.

I was just down watching Laura rehearse. She's great.

I'd like to give her a contract as a regular.

Uh...

What do you mean, "regular"?

Just what I said-- a regular.

I mean, a regular regular? Right.

You want her to dance on the show every week?

Every week, that's right. Swell.

Congratulations, Mel. You've just condemned him

to a life of ravioli and meatballs. Beg your pardon?

Rob, you should've slugged him when I told you.

Buddy. look, Mel, what did Laura say?

Well, I didn't talk to her yet.

I thought I'd better check with you first.

But if you'd rather I wouldn't mention the contract, I won't.

Oh, no, you have to tell her.

Why do you have to tell her?

Well, she's a grown woman.

She can make up her own mind.

It wouldn't be fair. I gotta tell her.

Fair? You tell a woman that she's got a choice

between a life of glamour and pots and pans?

What kind of a choice is that?

I think I know my wife well enough

to hope that she'll say what I know she thinks

that I hope she'll say.

Boy, I know what I'd say.

I'd say-- what did he say?

Look, this is all very interesting,

but I've got a lot of work to do.

What do you want me to do about Laura?

Whatever you do, don't let him tell her.

Rob, shall I tell her or not?

No, don't tell her.

Good boy.

I'll tell her. Bad boy.

Maybe I'll tell her.

And Mommy was the best one, wasn't she?

Yes. Yeah.

Which one was Mommy, Daddy?

Rich, I told you eight times already.

The one on the right.

Yeah. she was the best, huh, Daddy? Yes.

Don't you want mommy to be the best one?

Of course I do.

Then why are you wearing your mad face?

Oh, it's not that. Daddy's just kind of tired.

Mommy!

Hi, sweetie. Did you watch me on television?

Yeah, you were the best one!

Did you really think so?

Yeah. which one was you, Mommy?

Well, the one who was the best, of course.

Oh.

Honey, you will--

Wait, let me get Ritchie to bed.

Then I'll come back. Okay.

Boy, Mommy, you sure dance good.

Thank you, sweetie. I'll tuck you in later.

Okay.

All right, come on.

Tell me the truth. How was I?

Well, honey, you--

First, you tell me something.

Did you enjoy this week?

Did I enjoy it?

Oh, Rob, I loved every minute of it.

I loved the dancing and the irresponsibility

and the delivery boy in your office today.

Do you realize how long it's been

since anyone admired my legs?

I don't know. I think I admire them every day.

That doesn't count.

Well, you know what I mean.

I just loved the whole thing.

But... But what?

Was I really good?

Honey, you were very good.

Are you sure? Why do you ask?

Well, when I said good night to Mel,

he didn't make any comment. He didn't?

No. he told all the other girls that they were very good.

And to me, he just said, "Good night, and thanks."

"Good night, and thanks."

And I thought I was dancing very well.

But I guess I was just fooling myself.

Honey, I--I thought you were excellent.

You're a very sweet, loyal husband, dear.

But I guess I just couldn't keep up.

Honey, how about a cup of coffee?

No, sweetie, thank you.

I think I'll just get out of this and into bed.

Honey, wait a minute.

Laurie, I've got something to tell you.

What is it?

Honey...

Mel wants to sign you on as a regular.

Oh, you're just saying that.

No, honest. he wants you to dance all season.

Well, why didn't he tell me?

Well, he wanted-- he wanted me to tell you.

Oh, Rob! That's a wonderful surprise!

Isn't that wonderful? Aren't you proud of me?

I'm very proud of you, honey.

Oh, honey, you know, I always wondered

if I could get back into shape enough

so that someone would offer me a job

as a professional dancer again,

and now I know! I did it.

And I wondered if I could take the strain

of the daily classes and the rehearsals

and the exercise.

And now I know... I can't.

You can't?

No, Rob!

There isn't a bone in my body

that isn't screaming, "For heaven's sake,

lie down in a hot tub!"

I'm so tired.

Well--well, I'm--

Is that the only reason you want to give up dancing,

just because you're tired?

Come here, pussycat.

( GIGGLES )

Do you remember what I said

when you asked me to marry you?

Yeah. You said, "Yes".

Well, before that.

Before that, you kept saying, "No."

In between those two.

In between...yeah.

You said something real dramatic, like--

like, "Take me away from all this.

"I don't want to be a dancer.

I want to be your wife."

Yeah, you're really crazy about me, aren't you?

Well...

Baby...did anybody ever tell you

that you've got beautiful legs?

Oh, honey, this is great. Isn't it, Rich?

Yeah, this tastes like regular food.

I don't know. She cooks, she dances, she's beautiful.

What a great mommy you've got, Rich.

Yeah, she's a good mommy.

Hey, maybe I ought to leave the house more often.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking...

Maybe I ought to do this once a year.

Once a year?

Yeah, just for a week, though.

I think it's a wonderful idea, don't you?

Oh, sure. Sure, but I got a better idea,

just before you take that week,

to get you all limbered up,

we'll go skiing.

♪♪