The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 7 - Jealousy! - full transcript

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You mean he was actually leading a double life

and his wife didn't know anything about it?

Oh, come on, Laura, don't be naive.

The wife is always the last to know.

Millie? I'm right here, honey.

Hi, Laurie. Hi, Jerry.

Why can't you be home to give me a kiss like other wives do?

What other wives have been giving you kisses?

Ha ha! Not bad!

Living next door to a comedy writer has rubbed off.



What's for dinner tonight? Pot roast--

Oh, excuse me. Laurie, we are playing bridge tonight, aren't we?

We sure are. I baked a cake for the occasion.

Oh, boy. you Rob are really gonna get slammed around tonight.

Well, we weren't the ones who got slammed around last week.

No, but I've been doing something about it since then.

Oh? Studying up on bridge?

Nope, marking cards.

Jerry, you're just awful. Isn't he awful?

He wasn't really marking cards. He's always joking.

Hey, you know, I ought to have her husband's job.

By the way, how's the show coming this week?

And who's the guest star?

Valerie Blake. Valerie Blake?!



Rrraowrrr! Boy!

Hey, I'll bet Rob masterminded that bit of casting.

Ask him if he wants to switch jobs for a week.

I'll write the show, he can drill teeth. Rrraowrrr!

This man is the end. All the time-- rrraowrrr-ing.

You just mention a pretty girl's name

and he rrraowrrrs.

Let's go home, and I'll rrraowrrr for you.

Oh, stop that.

Laurie, doesn't it bother you a little

that a beautiful movie star like Valerie Blake

is working with Rob on the show?

No. Now, Jerry, you stop that.

I think it's wonderful Laura has such faith in her husband.

What's so special about Rob?

It wouldn't surprise me one bit

if that telephone rang any minute now, and it was Rob saying,

"Honey, I'm sorry I can't come home tonight.

I have to work a little late."

Don't listen to him, Laura.

Jerry, you're just terrible!

Isn't he terrible? You're just terrible.

Rob is a darling.

And you're just terrible, jerry!

He's a darling and I'm terrible. Well, all I know

is that I am home hugging my wife.

We don't know what Rob is doing.

Yes, we do. Oh, no, we don't.

He's working, that's what he's doing.

Working? With Valerie Blake?

Rrraowrrr.

Hey, listen, don't you think

we ought to call Eddie Labose

to make a fourth for bridge, just in case?

In case what? In case old Rob has to work late.

Jerry, you're just awful!

What do you mean? Isn't he awful? You're just awful!

( CHATTERING CONTINUES )

( HUMS )

Why you're not married, I'll never understand.

You're gorgeous! Mwah!

Rob, I think we'd better get out of this padded cell.

One of the inmates is starting to talk to herself.

Oh, I think we can go home now.

Alan's had that sketch for over an hour.

If he didn't like it, we'd know it by now.

I think it's one of the best sketches we ever wrote.

If Alan says no,

you can type out my resignation.

Alan said no. Start typing, Sally.

Oh, no. Mel, I hope you're kidding.

I'm not kidding. He doesn't like it.

He says there aren't any jokes for Miss Blake.

Oh, if that's all he wants, look--

will he be happy if we rewrite these pages

so that Miss Blake gets her share of jokes?

Yes, I'm sure he will.

Why make a federal case out of it?

We've got plenty of time to do it tomorrow.

Yeah, and I've got a date tonight.

( WHISTLING )

You're gorgeous! Mwah!

So long.

He wants it tonight. ( WHISTLES )

Long so.

Mwah! Gorgeous you're!

You'll have it tonight.

When you get through typing,

leave a copy on Alan's desk,

and then leave a copy for Miss Blake at her hotel.

Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.

We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.

Good night, Mel.

Good night, Sally. Good night, Rob.

Yechh.

There's something about that guy--

the way he brightens up a room when he leaves it.

Oh, Buddy, Mel's not such a bad guy.

Your opinion.

But next to Rob, everyone's a meany.

Let's face it-- We have the most wonderful,

adorable doll for our boss.

What is it, Sal? You got a date tonight?

As a matter of fact, I have,

but I'm not gonna ask for any special privileges.

She's hoping I'll do the asking.

I'm praying you will.

Then I vote we let Sally

go husband-hunting.

All in favor, say aye. ALL: Aye.

All right, Sal, go get yourself a husband.

Ooh, you doll! Mwah!

Uh-oh. What are you doing?

Wiping off the lipstick.

I hate to see a happy marriage break up

just because of a harmless kiss.

Well, fellas, I'll see you all

bright and early in the morning.

That is, of course, unless I elope.

Ha ha!

Happy hunting!

Well...

Shall we?

Let's see how fast we can get this done.

Maybe we can do a telephone joke.

Ooh, telephone. wow. I'd better call the little woman.

Ooh, yeah, I'll call Laura as soon as you're finished.

Better call my wife before she gets ready to burn the dinner.

You heard of pot roast? She makes roast pot.

Hello, pickles, honey? Yeah, it's me.

Oh, boy, have I got a thrill for you.

I'm not coming home for dinner.

Is it...tonight?

Oh, gosh, I forgot all about it.

Wait a second. Hey, Rob...

My mother's coming for dinner tonight.

It's silly to ask, but can't your wife entertain your mother?

Pickles entertain my mother?!

Ooh, forget it. I have to be there. Why?

Who's gonna referee?

( INDISTINCT )

Oh, good. hey, Rob just cleared the decks for me, honey.

Yeah, won't change the plan.

I'm coming right home.

Get the kids off the street. I'm driving.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

( PHONE RINGS )

Hello? ROB: Hi, Laura?

Honey, guess who has to work late tonight?

Is he a living American male?

And I'll give you a hint. He has a beautiful, understanding wife

who knows the problems of television writers.

Oh, Rob. Honey, I'm sorry,

but the boss wants a rewrite on a sketch.

Is, uh, this sketch For Miss Blake?

Yeah, I've got to write it and deliver it

and read it to her tonight.

Can't she read?

I have to read it with her and discuss it.

Honey, will you make my apologies to Jerry and Millie?

Maybe you can get Eddie Labose to sit in for a fourth.

I'll kiss you good night when I come in.

Try and sleep face-up.

I shouldn't be with Miss Blake more than a couple of hours.

Okay, Rob. bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, Rob! Will Buddy and Sally be with you?

Rob?

Well, I'm sure they will.

( DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES )

( YAWNS )

Ohh, I can't keep my eyes open.

Rob?

Rob.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Did I wake you up?

You're not going to sleep with your clothes on, are you?

No, I'm gonna undress.

I want to take a nap before I go to sleep.

How'd the sketch go?

( GRUNTS )

We have to rewrite it.

Would that mean another evening session?

Could be.

It's not funny. ( YAWNS )

Did Buddy and Sally think it's funny?

I don't know. They weren't with me.

You worked alone tonight?

Mm-mm. Oh, who was with you?

( YAWNS ) Miss Blake.

Rob?

Is she really as pretty as they say?

Rob?

Is she very pretty?

( WOLF WHISTLES )

Honey, what's the matter? What happened?

I just wanted to slip this pillow under your head.

Well, back to the fun factory.

Well, Mr. Brady didn't think it was very funny.

It must've been my performance.

Oh, no, Miss Blake. You were delightful.

It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it.

And when it comes to comedy,

I have an unerring instinct.

That's right, you've got the instinct of a herring.

There's no sense in holding postmortems.

We've got an awful lot of work to do.

Let's get a whole new idea, huh?

We're not gonna throw out

all the work we did last night.

This poor man worked with me till 3:00 this morning.

Miss Blake, our audience doesn't care how sleepy we get.

We must give unstintingly of our strength and talent.

Our work must come first.

We must never allow our personal pleasures

to interfere with our work.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife and I

have tickets for the theater tonight.

Good-bye, "we".

I hope "we" gets tickets behind a post.

I suppose we're gonna have to work again tonight.

I'm afraid we have no choice.

We'll try to get it up to the hotel about 8:00

so we can run through it with you.

Okay, I'll see you up at the hotel.

Oh, by the way, I'll order dinner for everyone.

You know, Miss Blake, you're awfully nice.

In fact, I don't even mind you being

a teensy-weensy bit prettier than I am.

Well, if I am so nice,

why don't you stop calling me Miss Blake

and start calling me Valerie?

Hey, you'll let us call you by your given name.

No. I'm gonna let you call me Valerie.

My given name is Bertha.

( PHONE RINGS ) Hello?

ROB: Hi, honey. Hi.

Bad news. I've got to work late again tonight.

Oh, no. I don't know how long I'll be.

Is it the same sketch? Yes, same sketch.

Honey, I'll make it as early as I can.

Look, tell Ritchie I'll put the baseball cards under his pillow.

You'll be rehearsing with Miss Blake again?

Oops, there goes another bridge game.

Stop that, Jerry. What did I say?

Shall I wait up for you, darling? No.

All right, call me later.

Let me speak to him.

Hold it, Jerry wants to talk to you.

Hiya, Lefty. Working with Valerie Blake again, huh? Rrraowrrr!

Stop that, Jerry. You're just awful.

Isn't he awful? You're just awful!

He's only joshing you, Rob. You know how Jerry is.

Don't worry about the bridge game.

You just write a nice show,

and we'll see that Laura doesn't get lonely.

And you see that Valerie doesn't get lonely.

Bye, Rob.

See if she wants her teeth fixed!

Jerry, you're just awful!

Isn't he awful? You're just awful!

Laura, I hope you didn't take anything he said seriously.

Rob is a doll, and you know it.

I just hope Valerie Blake doesn't collect dolls.

Come on, Ritchie. Eat your cereal.

Let's not dawdle.

You'll be late for school again.

What's the matter, Mommy?

Nothing. Eat your cereal.

Morning, honey.

What do you mean by that?!

It may be a good morning for you,

but it wasn't for me. You didn't have to clean up the mess

that this one made when he decided to finger-paint

all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste!

And you don't have to be concerned about the fact

that the cleaning woman isn't coming today

and you have five people coming for lunch.

Sure, go ahead!

Good morning! Why not?

Honey, give me another chance.

I'll go out and come in again.

I won't say "good morning".

I'll just wave as I go by.

Okay, make with the jokes.

Why didn't you call me last night?

Why--I did call!

You did not.

No, I spoke to you.

I even spoke to Jerry and Millie.

I meant later last night.

I'm sorry, honey.

We were so involved by that time,

I thought I'd probably wake you up.

Well, you didn't, because I waited up

until very late for you to call.

I couldn't know that.

Why didn't you call me?

Because I thought you might be in conference with Miss Blake.

Come on, Laurie.

Since when have I ever been too busy to talk to you?

You've been very busy Blakely.

Look, a comedy sketch doesn't write itself.

You ought to know that. Yes, I know that!

You don't have to use that tone of voice with me.

Are you and Daddy fighting, Mommy?

We're not fighting, we're having a discussion.

Sounds like fighting.

Rich, get your coat on. You'll be late for school.

Who's Miss Blake?

She's a very big movie star.

Is she pretty? Ask your daddy.

Is she pretty, Daddy?

Yes, Rich, she's very pretty.

Is she as pretty as Mommy?

That's enough. Will you be working late again tonight?

Oh, boy, I wouldn't dare.

Is she as pretty as you, Mommy?

Nobody's as pretty as your mommy, Ritchie.

Thank you, Jerry.

Hi, Lefty. How's the neighborhood gigolo?

What's the matter with Laurie?

Nothing. Have you had your coffee?

Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee

since we're married.

She's gotta get her 15 hours.

Well, Lefty boy...

How about this, uh, Valerie Blake?

Is she, uh-- You know...ha ha!

What nasty little thoughts are crawling around

in that warped little mind of yours?

What are you getting so mad about?

I don't like the innuendo in your voice.

Or in Laura's. Or in Rich's. Ritchie, too?

Yeah, you heard him. He asked me

if Miss Blake was prettier than Laura. Can you beat that?

Well, is she?

You're a dentist, right?

Oh, come on. Don't change the subject.

No, same subject.

Did you ever have an emergency late at night?

Sure, why?

An emergency that involved a beautiful girl patient?

Yeah. You know that girl that does the T.V. commercials?

Yeah. She broke a front tooth. I had to fix it.

Came to your office after hours, huh?

Yeah, yeah, so? What did you do?

What do you mean? I fixed her tooth, that's what I did.

Come on, was she as pretty as your wife Millie?

Who cares, as long as she pays the bills?

She's a patient, I'm a dentist.

Exactly! And I'm a television writer,

and Miss Blake is a guest star.

Jerry, I had an emergency last night.

I had to fix a sick script.

You do an emergency job late at night, and you're a hero.

I do an emergency job late at night,

and I'm all of a sudden the phantom lover of new Rochelle.

My son is leering at me and asking me

if some strange woman is prettier than his own mother.

Well, is she? Oh, there you go again!

Jerry, I love my wife.

I think Laura's the best-looking girl in the whole world.

But, boy, you won't be happy till you hear me say

that Valerie Blake is a ravishing beauty,

and next to her, Laura looks like some kind of a fishmonger!

Shall I tell our son that, or will you?

Why don't you move to a new neighborhood?

For heaven's sake, Rob, will you call up your wife, please?

Oh, why call, Sal? She won't even talk to me.

Sure she'll talk to you.

Make believe you're a friend.

Invite her out to dinner or something.

That's it. Call her up, invite her out,

take her to dinner, to a movie.

All she wants is a little attention.

Maybe you're right, Sal.

I can't understand why his wife would get so jealous

just because he spent a couple of nights

with a beautiful, gorgeous movie star.

What can't you understand?

Well, he's been working with me for the past five years,

and she never said anything.

So what else is new?

Will you play the cards, please?

Laura, honey?

Well, no. I just wanted to talk to you.

No, she's not here.

We're waiting on Miss Blake to arrive

so we can take a look at the sketch at rehearsal.

Honey, I think I'll be through early this evening.

I thought maybe we could go out and...

Kind of get reacquainted.

No, just the two of us.

Well, how about a movie?

I'll buy you some popcorn.

Yeah, with butter.

Okay, honey. I'll be home about the regular time.

Get a sitter for Rich.

Okay. Honey?

Friends again?

Bye, Laura.

( GIGGLING )

You were right, Sally!

When am I ever wrong?

Now. I got gin.

( PHONE RINGING )

( HUMMING )

Yeah?

Hi, Mel.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

No, what? What? What, no? What?

Mel, I'm sorry to hear that.

You don't know how sorry I am to hear that.

Yeah, I'll tell them. Bye, Mel.

Don't bother telling us.

We work tonight.

Calling Laurie?

Oh, yes.

Laura, honey? Sweetie? Baby?

Hey, honey, the funniest thing just happened.

How'd you know?

Well, no, just a minute. You hung up, Mel called,

and it seems that Miss Blake has to do some publicity shots

on a picture she did last year,

and she can't rehearse this afternoon.

We have to rehearse this evening.

Where? Well... Her hotel suite.

The Park Regis.

What? Oh, honey, that was Sally's lipstick.

I never thought he was the kiss-and-tell type.

Laurie, will you listen to me for just a minute?

Just because I'm rehearsing with Valerie this--

Valerie, yeah.

Oh, come on, honey. What do you want me to call her--Irving?

Laurie--

I'd have never believed it. What?

That sweet, lovable,

understanding girl I married.

She's turned into a...wife.

Sorry we have to work so late, gang.

You feel up to it now, Valerie?

Or would you rather wait until room service brings up the sandwiches?

Oh, no, let's keep right on working.

As it is, we'll be here until all hours of the nights.

Oh, you boys better call your wives.

Me, call Pickles at this time of night?

She's have me assassinated.

If she's sleeping, she don't care where I am.

Well, I should call home,

but after midnight, my cat won't answer the phone.

Rob, why don't you call Laurie?

I'm afraid to, Sal. Anyway, it can't be settled over the phone.

Kids, can we get to work, please?

Would you mind doing Alan's part?

Sure, Mel. Where do we start from?

Let's take it from "Under the apple tree in the garden".

Valerie, you're over here.

Right where Alan dances over.

Take the last 16 bars.

Okay.

Miss Blake, Alan will probably be

about 20 feet from you on the stage,

but he'll dance over to you.

You ready, Rob? I'm ready, sal.

( PLAYING PIANO )

♪ And when you say good-bye to Broadway ♪

♪ Say good-bye to Charlie Jones ♪

Applause, applause, applause, applause, applause.

And Alan says...

( KNOCK ON DOOR )

That must be room service. Come in.

Take it again, will you?

Sweetheart, this has been

a wonderful evening. Let's do it again.

Honey!

( PIANO PLAYING ) ♪ Ta-da!

Mrs. Petrie, what are you doing here?

What are they doing here?

We're working, honey.

Oh, well, I was just in the neighborhood...

Because I went to a movie,

so I just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Hello.

Hi, honey. Honey, how was the movie?

The movie? Oh, the movie!

It was fine, fine, just fine.

Must've been a fine movie.

It was, it was fine. Fine.

Honey, I'd like for you to meet Valerie Blake.

Oh, hello, Laura.

How do you do? I'd better be go--

How did you know my first name was Laura?

Your husband's only mentioned it 30 or 40,000 times.

He has? Of course.

He's told me all about both you and Ritchie.

Now, let me see-- He likes baseball cards,

and he does not like to have his hair cut.

He loves to hide in closets,

and he's not the brightest boy in class.

Well, let's face it, honey, he isn't.

He may not be the brightest boy, but he's the cutest.

Honey, uh, if you want to wait around a while, I can drive you home.

Oh, no, I just came by because...

There was something I forgot to tell you.

What'd you forget, honey? It can wait.

No. You came all the way down here. What'd you forget to do?

I forgot to kiss you good morning.

Good morning, darling!

( GIGGLING )

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