The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 6 - Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, MO - full transcript

♪♪

♪ I dream of a Morris

♪ With a light blue rose ♪

Who is Morris?

Oh, just a fella with a Rolls-Royce

who's gonna drive up and take me away from all of this.

You never mentioned him before.

I invented him.

He's kind of like a male tinker bell.

( SNORING )

How long has sleeping beauty been at it?



Since you went into conference with the boss.

Hey, did Alan like this week's script?

Yeah, all except for the monologue

on the women's new bathing suits.

He wants more jokes in it.

Oh. Well, uh, shall we wake up

our human joke machine?

Why, no. Let's let him sleep.

We don't need him for this. We can write better jokes without him.

Yeah, it's sort of nice not to hear him

making those corny punch lines.

Yeah. Hey, Sal, how about this one?

This woman comes home with one of those brand-new bikini bathing suits,

and she shows it to her husband. she says, "Honey, I bought this for you."



And he looks at it and says--

"Nice material, but I can't wear those narrow neckties."

Get up off that sofa.

You know I come up with funnier stuff when I'm laying down.

That's true, Rob. While you were gone,

he came up with some of the funniest snoring you ever heard.

( TELEPHONE RINGS ) Will you get that?

I got a head full of pins.

Better than marbles.

Yeah, Marge.

Who?

I don't know anybody by that name.

Are you sure he asked for me?

Hey, maybe it's for me. Is it a man?

Yeah. Harrison B. Harding. Do you know him?

No, but if he's single, I'll marry him.

Marge, are you sure he asked for me?

I don't know anybody by that name.

Did he say what he wanted?

Camp Crowder, Missouri.

Yeah, I was stationed there.

Harrison B. Harding. What did he look like?

He's tall.

Good enough. Send him in.

Tall and blond.

I don't care if he's short and bald.

Come on. Look, Marge, send him on in.

Maybe I'll recognize him when I see him.

Yeah.

Look, if I give you the signal

I want to get rid of this bird,

will you please remind me how much work we've got to do?

Tactfully. You know me.

Just give me two seconds to make myself gorgeous.

( KNOCK ON DOOR ) Your time's up.

I'm gorgeous.

Tactfully.

Uh, Harrison B. Harding?

I didn't think you'd remember me, Sarge.

Okay, Rob, we got a lot of work to do!

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, no, not really.

Rob, you look just wonderful.

Well, you look great, too. Thank you.

Come on in. Thanks.

Well, it's been a long time, hasn't it?

Yes, it certainly has.

Robert Petrie! Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Harrison B. Harding.

Heh heh heh.

You haven't changed one bit

since Camp Crowder, Rob.

Well, you look exactly the same.

I do? I lost 57 pounds.

Oh, I noticed that. It was obvious there.

But I mean--Ha ha ha! Put that weight back on,

and you're the same old Harrison, glasses and all.

I didn't wear glasses in the army.

Well, I meant that-- You take off the glasses

and put on the weight, you're the same guy.

Oh, uh, Harrison,

I'd like for you to meet my writing staff.

This is Sally Rogers and Buddy Sorrell.

Harrison B. Harding of Camp Crowder, Missouri.

So you and Rob were in the same outfit together, huh?

Yes, we were-- No, weren't in the same outfit.

We weren't in the same outfit exactly, no.

We were in the same camp. Yeah.

Same country, same good old U.S.A. In the army.

Ha ha! That's funny.

Well, I hate to break up an old army reunion,

but we have a lot of work to do on this week's script.

Right, gotta get back to the old grindstone, Sarge.

Well, I hope I'm not interrupting your work.

I did look forward to us having a little chat together,

but, well, at least we got to say hello.

Say hello to Laura for me, too, will you?

My wife? You know Laura?

Indeed I do. You don't forget a girl like Laura, do you?

No, I didn't. You don't.

Well, doggone it-- Ha ha!

I'm sorry we couldn't spend a little more time together.

But you know how television is--

almost as rough as the army.

Maybe we can get together some other time and reminisce.

Well, I'm in New York on business,

and I'm taking the 6:00 flight back to Cleveland.

Oh, that's a shame. Well, maybe some other time.

Well, I don't know when I'll be back again.

I tell you, it's a shame we couldn't spend

a little more time together, Harrison. Maybe we--

Do you really mean that, rob?

Sure, I mean it. But what can we do?

What can we do? Nothing.

Well, hold on a minute, Sarge.

Maybe I can do something.

What time do you get through here?

Uh, what time did you say your plane was? 6:00.

7:00, we usually work to.

Oh, yeah, at least till 7:00.

Sometimes 7:05.

I tell you what I'll do.

I'll cancel my flight tonight

and go back tomorrow morning.

Don't do that. Why not?

It's too much to ask.

It's the least I can do

for an old Buddy,

and I want you and Laura

to be my guests for dinner tonight.

That's awfully nice--

I'll see you at 7:00, old pal.

Oh, and by the by,

you'll get to see Evelyn, my wife.

Evelyn? You'll never recognize her.

Yeah, it's possible.

Evelyn and I went on a diet together.

You mean Evelyn lost 50 pounds, too?

Nope. Gained ten.

Weighs an even 100 now.

You mean that Evelyn weighed 90 pounds?

You remembered! Nice work, Rob.

You have an amazing memory.

I can't wait to get together

and cut up old touches with you, Buddy.

I'll see you at 7:00. Ha ha!

You dog, you!

Oh, you dog, you!

Woof, woof!

Hey, Rob, you really didn't know him, did you?

I never saw that guy before in my life.

He knows you all right. He even knows your wife's name.

He did, didn't he?

You're not gonna wait around for that nut, are you?

I might know the guy.

You meet so many guys in the army.

Hey, maybe he was one of the enemy.

Well, we had a lot of nice ones.

I guess I'd better call up Laura

and tell her about my long-lost old army buddy.

Boy, some army buddy.

He looks like a cross between Dutch Schultz

and Count Dracula.

What do you think he was clutching in that paper bag?

A dead bat.

Hey, Laurie, honey?

You'll never guess who came in to visit me this afternoon.

Are you ready? Harrison B. Harding.

Who is Harrison B. Harding?

I don't know. But he claims to be an old army buddy of mine,

and he wants to take us to dinner.

Oh, Rob, I've got a rib roast in the oven,

and it's not one I got on special.

I don't want to stay in town tonight, but this joker and his wife

are canceling their plane reservations.

I've got to spend some time with them.

Oh, dear. and I held up feeding Rich

so we could all eat this beautiful roast together.

Honey, isn't there something you can do

without hurting their feelings?

Well, I--

I could bring the hardings home to dinner with me.

Laurie? Hello?

Honey, how come you're not shouting?

Because I'd rather have you and your buddies

than no you at all.

You're really nuts about me, aren't you?

Not really, but Ritchie likes you,

and I hate to waste food.

Here we are, folks. Come right on in.

Thank you, Rob.

Isn't this a lovely place?

Thank you. I'm glad you like it.

Honey, we're here.

Hi there.

I'm so glad you could come.

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison B. Harding,

my wife. How do you do?

How do you do?

Laura, how are you?

Fine, thank you.

A little surprised I remembered your name, aren't you?

Well, yes.

Oh, Harrison has a fine memory.

I'd say he had a fantastic memory.

Why don't we all sit down?

Thank you.

Harrison, here, let me take that or you--

oh, no, it'll be fine right over here.

Well, now, this is awfully nice of you two.

We certainly didn't expect to be invited for dinner.

Did we, dear? No, we didn't.

I hope we aren't inconveniencing you, Laura.

Oh, no, not at all. After all,

Harrison and Rob are old army buddies.

Yes. Uh, Harrison,

do you remember the first time we met?

Indeed I do. Do you?

Oh! Ha ha ha! Do I!

See, Evelyn? You don't forget the people you work with.

Well, dinner should be ready in just a moment.

Is there anything I can help you with in the kitchen?

No, darling.

Oh. Yes.

Yes, there's a jar you could open for me.

Oh, honey, I'd be glad to.

Will you two excuse us? My wife has this jar.

You can gossip about us while we're gone.

Oh, you dog! Ha ha ha!

Help yourself to some hors d'oeuvres.

Thank you.

Honey...

I'm uncomfortable with those people in this house.

Let's feed them a fast dinner, and bye-bye.

You might as well just make the best of it and be pleasant.

Aren't I always pleasant to total strangers

who come to my house for dinner?

I've got a good memory for faces, if I haven't for names,

and I'm telling you, I never saw this guy before.

How about the name? Harrison Harding.

Does that bring back anything?

Sure, Harrison and Harding-- Two former presidents.

That's what it brings back.

I'm telling you, I don't know this guy.

Here, let me try that.

He knew my name. How do you explain that?

I don't know. Maybe his wife's a witch.

Here.

Oh, after I got it all loosened up for you.

Oh, very funny. I'm bruised, and you're joking.

I'm not gonna rip a muscle to open these.

Give 'em celery. I don't even know 'em.

Will you get the salad out, please?

That's right. He knew your name.

Laura...

Did it ever occur to you that we might be playing host

to a very clever con man?

A con man? Yeah, a confidence man.

They've got all kinds of clever ways to find out about people.

Rob, you have a suspicious nature.

I've never seen it before.

I've never had con men force their way

into my house before, either.

You're really serious, aren't you?

You bet I'm serious.

Well, I think you're wrong,

but let's assume for a minute they are what you say.

What are they after?

I don't know. Money, jewelry.

Well, let's give them the benefit of the doubt

and assume they're not con men or thieves.

Would you put that on the table?

What's the matter? Ritchie's in there with them.

Go out and introduce them.

No, we may find out something about 'em.

Rob, you're not going to eavesdrop.

No. I'm gonna listen.

I think you're terrible.

Some of the nicest people in the world are listeners.

You're quite a big boy for 5 1/5.

No, I'm short for my age.

In my class, I'm the first in line.

Ha ha! Do you like school, Sonny?

I like recess.

Just like your old man, you dog.

There's nothing very suspect about that conversation.

Rob, I feel terrible doing this.

So do I.

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Not yet, but someday I will.

Daddy promised.

I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Rich, I want to ask you a question.

Do your daddy own a wristwatch?

Yes. Where does he keep it?

On his wrist. Heh heh!

I noticed he wasn't wearing it.

When he's not wearing it, where does he keep it?

Sometimes it's on the bathroom shelf,

and sometimes it's in his jewelry box.

Where is this box?

Come on, I'll show you.

Daddy has cufflinks and tie clips also.

You can come, too. Okay.

Still want to give them the benefit of the doubt?

They're thieves.

Operator, get me the police. What are you doing?

What any citizen would do.

Hello, police headquarters?

Can you tell me where your prowl cars are?

No, I mean, do you have any up in the north end?

Why? Well, I'd like to report a possible robbery.

Maybe later this evening.

No, it is not definite.

No, sir, this is not a gag.

Rob, you're being ridiculous.

Captain, I can't talk now. My wife's bothering--

I mean, I'll call you back later, Captain.

Honey, I know that I may be absolutely wrong about this,

but it doesn't hurt to keep the police alerted.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna continue eavesdropping.

Rob, I've never seen you like this.

I've never seen myself this way before, either.

You know something? I'm glad we both got the chance

to see me this way.

What are you talking about?

I've always wondered how I'd react

in a situation like this.

Now I know. By gosh, I'm scared,

but I think I can take care of it.

Until this minute, I was doing fine,

but now I'm frightened.

Do you really think that they--

I don't know, but don't worry.

I can handle it.

By gosh, those 20 pushups a day

weren't a waste of time after all.

Hello.

Rob, what is that?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

Honey, keep a lookout.

Rob, this could prove to be very embarrassing.

I know, but I'll take my chances.

( GASPS ) Rob, they look like real diamonds.

Aha. Oh, Rob!

Laura, pull yourself together.

Operator, give me the police.

Rob, I'm getting frightened.

There's nothing to be frightened about.

Hello, police headquarters?

This is the fella that called a while ago

about a possible robbery.

No, I don't know yet, but it looks to me

like something may happen very soon.

Well, I'd rather not tell you who this is

till I have a little more to go on.

Just keep a prowl car cruising through the north end.

I'll call you back, captain.

Ten-four, or whatever it is.

Rob, do you really think they're jewel thieves?

I didn't say that. That's what you're thinking, isn't it?

Laura, don't jump to conclusions.

Don't jump? You're the one that made me jump.

I was perfectly happy thinking it was an old army buddy.

Oh, Rob!

Laura, drink that tomato juice.

Why? Drink the tomato juice!

Drink!

Give me the glass.

It amplifies the sound.

No, it doesn't.

Give me a napkin, quick.

What for?

Tomato juice in my ear.

Now, let's see what we have here.

Hmm. Look, Evie. Baroque pearls.

Are they ba-roke? Yes, they are.

I didn't ba-reak them.

No, Mr. Harding said "baroque".

That's a certain kind of pearl.

I'd like to get my hands on a bag full of these.

What'd he say?

Your daddy's watch wasn't in this box

and it wasn't in the bathroom.

Have you any ideas where else it could be?

RITCHIE: I don't know.

Does your mommy have a jewelry box?

Yes, she keeps her rings and watch in it.

Want to see it? We'd love to.

That does it. What happened?

I'm calling the police. The police? Is Ritchie all right?

Don't go in there. Ritchie will be all right

as long as we don't get panicky.

What'd they say?

He asked to see your watch and rings.

( GASPS )

Operator, give me the police.

Yes, again.

Hello, Captain? This is Robert Petrie,

the man who called a while ago about a possible robbery.

Well, this is it.

Get a prowl car down to 148 Bonnie Meadow Road right away.

Check.

Glass.

There we are. But you shouldn't take things

that don't belong to you.

Well, let's just say I'm borrowing it,

and it'll be our little secret,

and we won't tell Daddy, okay?

RITCHIE: Okay.

Put this stuff away, Rich. Come on, Evelyn.

We'd better join the host and hostess.

Sit down.

What-- Sit down!

Sit down.

Well, folks, there you are.

We thought you'd run out on us for a minute.

I see you've met our little boy.

Yes, indeed. He gave us a guided tour of the house.

I showed them your bedroom and--

And a good guide he is, too!

Yes, he's a very good guide.

Rich, I think you'd better get to bed.

I want to stay up and hear how Mr. Harding and Daddy

were in the army.

Oh, well, I don't think I could tell you anything

that your daddy hasn't told you already.

Oh, there might be. You know how kids are.

They like to hear the same old story over and over again.

Yeah, we love to hear them over and over again.

Sit down, Harrison. Thank you, Rob.

Harrison, why don't you tell Ritchie

about the first time you and I met?

Oh, I don't think there's anything interesting about that.

Oh, no, I think Ritchie would love to know about it.

Well, let's see. The first time I saw your daddy,

I had a wonderful time.

But I don't think your daddy would remember it.

Why wouldn't he remember it?

He was up on the stage of a big recreation hall,

entertaining a lot of soldiers,

and I was way up in the balcony,

shining a spotlight down on him.

RITCHIE: Why were you shining the light?

So the soldiers could see your daddy better.

I used to work the spotlight at all the shows.

That's it!

Harrison used to work the spotlight at the rec hall!

He could see me very well, but I couldn't see him

because of that spotlight in my eyes. Right.

Except when the show was over.

You'd turn off the light and wave at me.

Ha! Rob, you have an amazing memory.

Thank you.

You know something?

I even know the nickname the guys gave you.

I'll bet you don't.

Harry the horse.

Oh, you dog! Harry the horse.

Why did they call you that?

Because he had a face-- As big as a horse.

I lost 57 pounds since then.

All from his face.

Don't tease me, Evelyn.

I am surprised you folks remembered me, though.

Most people don't, you know.

But I sure remember you and Laura.

I was there the night you two danced together

for the first time on the stage. You were?

I even remember the tune they were playing.

You wonderful you.

You dog, you!

Now, I got a little test for you.

Do you remember this? Hey, that's my watch.

Isn't that the one the fellas in your recreation hall gave you?

Yeah, what are you doing with it?

I borrowed it from your jewelry box.

Yeah? What for? Well, I am a jeweler, you know.

You are? Yep.

I'm the fella that engraved this watch,

and it's been bothering me all these years.

You left the "e" off "Petrie".

Bothered you, too, huh?

We'll fix you right up now.

There. How's that?

That's an "f".

So it is.

There. Now I feel better.

What does the watch say?

It says, "To Robert Petrie.

"thanks for all the laughs.

From Company A." There you go, Rob.

( DOORBELL RINGS )

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that funny? After all these years...

I haven't worn that in 15 years.

Police!

LAURA: Oh--oh--

We don't need any.

Isn't this the house that's expecting a robbery?

I don't know. I mean, I wasn't.

But I'll check with my husband, though.

Rob, could you come here for a minute?

Excuse me. Heh heh. It looks like the police are here.

Good evening, Officer.

Darling, are you expecting a robbery?

Well, uh--

Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact,

I am, Officer. Come in.

Rob, what are you gonna do?

What any good citizen would do.

Officer, this man is Harrison B. Harding

from Cleveland, Ohio.

In that plain, simple bag--

which he brought with him from Ohio--

he is carrying thousands of dollars

worth of precious jewels.

There is every possibility

that this man, uh...

Might get robbed. Yeah.

And some crazy crook might come in here

and hit him over the head, take those jewels and run.

And, of course, I would be very embarrassed.

So?

So I thought, since you're an officer,

and since you'd be cruising the neighborhood anyway,

you could keep your eye out for...

Any crazy crooks that would come in here

and hit him on the head and take those jewels and run.

When we cruise the neighborhood,

we usually look for crazy crooks.

I've heard that.

And, Officer, I want to tell you

how much we appreciate the fine work

you guys are doing down there.

And I'll tell you, if I ever see anything snoopy

going on in this neighborhood,

I'll call headquarters right away.

I'm sure you will.

And I'll ask for you, officer...27809.

That's very nice. I'd appreciate it.

Well, I guess that about wraps this one up,

huh, Officer?

I want to thank you very much for coming.

And, uh...good night.

Ten-four.

Sheesh!

( GIGGLES )

You know, Rob, there's only one thing that puzzles me.

How did you know I was carrying precious stones?

Simple deduction, Harrison.

When a jeweler transports

some kind of a brown paper sack,

it's natural to assume

that inside he's carrying jewels--

a brown paper sack being the one thing

a potential thief wouldn't think

contained anything valuable.

You do have diamonds in that sack, don't you?

Yes, but how did you know?

Elementary.

I opened the bag and looked.

Ha ha! You old dog!

♪♪