The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 3 - Sally and the Lab Technician - full transcript

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( GUNFIRE, HORSES RUNNING ON TV )

Ritchie, it's time for bed.

Ritchie?

Ritchie.

Richard. Mommy! I can't see the man get killed!

You'll see the man get killed tomorrow.

Right now it's time for bed.

Aww, gee, Mom.

Honey, I said that you could stay up

until Daddy gets home, but he's so late now,



and your sleep is more important. Come on, let's go.

Can I comb my hair before I go to bed?

No. March.

Can I feed the turtle?

Ritchie, the turtle died a year ago.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. Hmm.

Hi, honey. Sorry I'm late.

I had a flat.

Hi, Rich. What are you doing up?

I waited for you, Daddy.

Kiss Daddy good night, then off to bed.

Can Daddy cut my nails first?

Rich, I cut your nails this morning.

They grew back.



All right, young man, let's get to bed.

Good night. Good night.

Tuck me in later!

Okay. Night, son.

What's for dinner?

Meatloaf. Where'd you get the flat tire?

Just as I got off the 96th Street exit.

How come you got off at 96th Street?

I had to drop Sal off.

It was raining cats and dogs,

and she had nobody to pick her up.

Poor girl hasn't got a husband.

I wish she'd get married.

Why hasn't Sally ever married, Rob?

She's a comedy writer. Should be fun to be with.

She's an attractive girl.

Sal's had plenty of boyfriends,

but she scares them off. How?

She's too quick with the answers.

Guys hate girls that make jokes about everything.

You don't mind if I make jokes.

Well, I would if you made one

every time you opened your mouth.

Poor Sally.

Rob...

You know what I was thinking?

Yeah, and I'm 100% against it.

But I didn't say anything.

I know, but you had that matchmaker look

on your face.

I don't see what harm there'd be

in introducing her to, say, my cousin Thomas.

Cousin Thomas? The laboratory technician?

Thomas is a very kind, sweet, gentle human being.

He certainly is, and Sally is just the opposite.

Well, they say opposites attract.

Oh, honey, not that opposite.

You're trying to put a canary in with a cat.

Believe me, I've worked with that girl for years,

and I've seen how she demolishes guys with her wisecracks.

You'd just be asking for trouble, honey.

Oh, I don't see what trouble there would be

in having them over for dinner.

Laura, you surprise me. Why?

You're always telling me how you hate brutality,

and yet here you are inviting violence

right into your own home.

Well, I suppose, you're right, dear.

You bet I'm right.

People shouldn't try to play cupid, honey.

No, they shouldn't.

Suppose they did get married.

Suppose we introduced them, they got married

and they hated one another.

They'd blame us the rest of their lives for butting in.

Of course.

Honey, if fate had intended for them to meet,

fate would've taken care of it

with no help from us.

We didn't need a dinner party

to get us together, right?

Right.

Honey, the best thing for us to do

is just mind our own business and butt out.

You're absolutely right. You bet I'm right.

Should we make it a buffet or a sit-down dinner?

Okay.

I don't know what it is, but...

Darling, even when we're like this, I--

I have a terrible feeling of loneliness.

Even as I speak to you now,

I feel you're... A million miles away.

Darling? Darling, I've lost you.

Yes, I--I know it now. I've lost you.

I wonder where I lost you.

That's great. With the white gloves, it'll work.

Darling, when we're alone like this--

Even when we're alone like this...

Morning, Rob.

Good morning, Buddy.

Alone like this...

I have a...

( CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY )

Robert, coffee come in yet? Not yet.

I see you're busy, but I thought you could tell me something.

Yeah, go ahead.

Got any peroxide around here?

Peroxide? Maybe in the first aid cabinet. Why?

I don't know. I woke up this morning,

I had a little itch on the side of my face.

I thought maybe it was a mosquito bite or something.

Take a look at it.

No, I don't see anything.

Probably an ingrown hair.

Boy, some sense of humor for a comedy writer.

I spent 2.95 for this gimmick,

and I didn't get a snicker.

Oh, Buddy? Listen, when Sally comes in,

could you tactfully excuse yourself and wait in the hall?

I'd like to talk to her alone a second.

Oh, something to do with this week's show? Oh, no.

Something to do with the show in general?

No, Buddy. really, it's a personal matter.

Oh, I see.

Buddy, it has nothing whatever to do with you.

All right, when she comes, I'll wait out in the hall.

You can call me when it's over.

Fine.

I ain't hurt.

Snacky service! Hiya, Buddy!

Three coffees here. One black,

one regular, and one triple-light with four sugars.

Hey, how come, Buddy, you take four sugars?

It takes energy to write these jokes. I always use four sugars.

You better use five. The show ain't that funny.

Hey, Rob, how's the show for this week?

I hope it's better than last week.

Boy, did I have to turn it off.

That Alan Brady-- He's a good singer,

but what does he always sing that slow stuff for?

And I didn't like that sketch you guys did about the beauty contest.

Fellas, that's real silly stuff.

Why don't you write something with violence in it once in a while?

I like good violence.

Well, next time you come up,

instead of a tip, I'll stab you.

Now, that's funny!

Why don't you put jokes like that in the show

instead of that junk?

So?

Hi. Old man Charlie give us another bad review?

Oh, much better than usual.

Hi, Rob. Hi, Sal.

Ooh, coffee. Mmm.

Oh, boy.

Okay, I'll wait outside!

I'll be right out here...

If you want me.

What's with camille?

He's being overly dramatic because I asked him

if he'd wait outside while I talked to you alone.

I wanted to ask you to come to our house for dinner tonight.

And you don't want to invite Buddy and his wife

because they have no table manners, right?

You want to stop a minute while I tell you about it?

I'm waiting.

Well, Laura-- My wife--

So far, I haven't heard anything I don't know.

I'm sorry, chief. Go on.

Well, Sally, Laura is having a dinner party

for her cousin Thomas, and, well, she more or less thought--

Your cousin Thomas and I would find each other mutually fascinating

and we'd wind up married. What does he do for a living?

He's a lab technician.

Oh, wonderful. If it works out,

I get a free supply of test tubes.

I'll be there, chief. Don't worry about it.

Okay, Buddy, you can come on in now!

The coast is clear.

Oh, thanks a lump.

I was getting to like it out there.

Hey, Rob, what time do you want me for dinner tonight?

Oh, around 8:00-ish.

It feels like there's a...

Big party going on or something tonight and I ain't invited.

That's all right. I got plenty of friends.

I got a date later to play solitaire.

Buddy, it's not a party.

Laura wants Sally to meet her cousin Thomas.

For this, I had to wait out in the hall?

I'm sorry, Buddy. I thought maybe Sally would be embarrassed.

Embarrassed? That I'm looking for a husband? Are you kidding?

If I thought it would help, I'd put an ad in the hobo news.

Rob, what's my future husband like?

Oh, well, Sal, he's a--he's a fella.

He's a fella. Good enough. I'll marry him.

Honey? Am I dressed all right?

Oh, you look fine.

I was gonna wear my blue,

but I move faster in my tweed.

Why would you want to move fast?

In case your cousin is provoked into taking a swing at Sally,

I want to be able to block the punch.

Oh, Rob. I'm sorry, honey.

I'm petrified of this whole darn evening.

Why are you petrified? It's gonna be a lovely evening.

( DOORBELL RINGS ) Oh, that's one of them!

Rob-- oh, you're not nervous.

Look at this. "There's one of them now!"

Wait a minute, honey! Wait, wait.

Honey, we could still get out of the whole thing.

You tell Thomas Sally's been drafted.

And I'll tell Sally the place has been quarantined

with chicken pox. How about that?

Oh, Rob, you're being ridiculous. Answer the door.

Thomas, how good to see you.

Laura, you're certainly a sight for sore eyes.

You remember Rob. Yes, of course.

Long time no see.

Yeah, long time no see.

Well, come on in.

Oh, I--I brought this candy for you.

Oh, how nice.

Well, you know what they say-- sweets to the sweet.

Yeah, that's right.

I'll put these in water.

Oh, I brought those for Miss Rogers.

Well, wasn't that awful of you?

It was sure nice of you to invite me.

Oh, we're glad to have you, Tom.

Won't you sit down?

Oh. Yes.

Thank you.

Can we get you anything?

No, thank you. I don't drink or smoke.

You d-- Do you eat?

Would you like something to munch on?

Yes. Thank you!

Laura tells me that Miss Rogers

works with you, Rob.

Uh, what is she like?

I mean, I've seen her name on television,

where it says "written by",

but you can't tell much about a person by that, can you?

Heh heh. no. No, you can't.

What's she like?

Uh, well, she's not married.

And she's very attractive.

Well, that's very important,

but you know what they say about beauty.

About being skin-deep?

Yes! Yes, I heard that.

I'm afraid I'm a bit nervous about this meeting.

Oh, Thomas, there's nothing to be nervous about? Is there, Rob?

Mm. I mean, why be nervous? What--

( DOORBELL RINGS )

There she is! There's sally!

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

All right.

Hi, Sally. Hi!

Here's a plastic spaceship for Ritchie

and a five-pound box of candy for you,

and let's not waste any more time. Where is he?

How do you do? I'm Sally Rogers.

Are you still single?

Am I still what?

Sally, this is my cousin--Thomas Edson.

Thomas Edson?

Oh, no.

Well, you did a great job

on that light bulb, Tom.

I want to talk--

I say, I want to talk to you about....

( INDISTINCT )

Sally, not Edison. Edson.

Oh, Edson. I thought he looked a little young for an old inventor.

I brought you these.

It's small.

I meant these.

Oh, yes. Oh, of course.

Oh, that's a much better fit.

Sally! What?

Wouldn't you like to sit down?

Thank you.

How about an hors d'oeuvre?

No, thank you.

This is my little hors d'oeuvre.

Wouldn't you like a piece of herring?

No, thanks. Give me hives.

Herring gives you hives?

Did you doctor ever tell you

to try chlorcyclizine hydrochloride?

No, does it taste like herring?

No, it's a pill.

Oh, wonderful. I'll have a plate of herring pills.

Actually, it's a pill designed to relieve an allergic symptom.

You see, Miss Rogers, your body--

if you're gonna talk about my body,

you'd better call me Sally.

I didn't mean your body, Miss Rogers.

I was talking about the human body.

Human body?! What am I, a kangaroo?

No, I didn't mean that at all.

I hope you don't think I'd presume-- Well, it's getting late!

Time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it?

Come on, Sal, I'll drive you home.

You comedy writers.

I'll, uh, just see to dinner.

Excuse me. I'll see it with her.

All right, don't say it, don't say it.

It's not fair. 95% of the time, you're right.

When you're wrong, will you please give me a chance to say so?

All right, say so. But I may not be wrong.

Oh, honey, did you see what she's doing to that poor guy out there?

I know, it's pretty awful.

But maybe she'll calm down during dinner.

Gosh, I hope so. Any other guy

would have punched her in the nose.

The next time you want to get a date for Sally, invite Milton Berle

and have them meet in Madison Square Garden.

Well, I guess the best thing to do

is just serve as quickly as possible

and make it a short evening. Yeah.

Good idea.

What are you doing?

Shortening the evening.

Buddy?

Buddy? What? What?

Oh, Rob, hi. Wait just a minute. I've got to think.

What time did you come in?

Oh, I don't know. I've probably been here

an hour or so. Why?

You haven't been on time the last three years.

I just got a fantastic idea for a sketch.

I just want to put it down before I forget it.

Oh, why, Buddy, I can't tell you how happy I am

that you're taking an interest in your work

here at the office.

Hey, very clever dialogue.

"Grzgumpferdash.

Bskanvlardly zmimagrimim."

I still think it's a good idea.

I just don't know how to type.

Buddy, you're a fraud.

I'm a fraud?! Did you hear that? I'm a fraud.

Are you kidding? I've worked my brains

to the white meat around here!

I come up with some good stuff, too.

And I show up, like Sal-- Hey, where's Sally?

She may be a little late this morning.

She worked very hard last night.

What do you mean she worked hard?

Well, it isn't easy to carve up

a 150-pound lab technician.

She did it again.

Oh, boy. Ha ha!

She started in on him when she met him

and chopped away at him all through dinner.

Yeah? What was the outstanding zinger?

I don't remember all of the goodies, but during dessert,

she told him he was a wonderful dinner companion,

a sparkling conversationalist,

and why didn't he consider going on a lecture tour.

What's wrong with that?

He hadn't said a word through the whole meal.

Oh, she is a beauty.

Where does she come up with it?

Hi, gang.

Hi, Sal. Sorry I'm late.

What are you so happy about?

Come on, pep down.

Ah, I guess I ate too much last night.

I couldn't get to sleep.

Coffee come in?

Not yet.

Any phone calls?

Not since I came in.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Why, were you expecting a call?

Well, not exactly.

Hey, I sure had a wonderful time

at your house last night, Rob.

I'm glad, Sal.

Hey, Rob told me you were in delightful form last night.

I told him you were the life of the party.

Yeah, that's me. Old life-of- the-party Sal.

Jokes for any occasion.

Tell me, how'd you like Laura's cousin?

I don't know.

Why do you mean you don't know?

Well, he and I didn't get to talk very much.

BUDDY: Come on, there were only the four of you.

Well, I--

I think Sal means that Thomas didn't say much.

I didn't give him much chance to.

Rob, you sure there were no phone calls for me?

You can check with Marge.

Maybe someone called before I came in.

I checked with Marge

when I came in.

( TELEPHONE RINGS )

Hello?

Oh. Just a minute.

Anybody order prune yogurt?

Yeah, me. I'm the prune yogurt.

Yeah, send it up to the writers' room.

Okay, thanks.

Well, fellas, what do you say? Get to work?

No, Sal. No use jumping right into it,

if you'd like to wait for coffee

and take a look at the paper.

Why don't we have what they call those breakfast breaks?

Like for maybe two, three hours.

What's the matter with you two?

We're just trying to pep you up.

You look like a cheerleader for an accident.

We just thought maybe you didn't feel

like making any jokes today.

Jokes? Heh.

Oh, I want to make jokes.

Gotta make jokes.

There's nothing I love better than making jokes.

Didn't I make a bunch of great jokes last night, Rob?

Oh, boy, Buddy, you should've seen me.

I was a small riot.

I was so funny--

I was so funny, cousin Thomas laughed so hard

he almost smiled.

I was so doggone funny...

( SOBBING ) I couldn't stand myself!

Who's the prune yogurt?

Excuse me!

All right, go ahead, say it.

I deserve it. It was my fault.

All right, I'll say it.

It was your fault. You shouldn't have butted in.

And it isn't as if I didn't warn you, either.

Well, you don't have to gloat about it.

Honey, I'm not gloating.

I'm just trying to point out that it's not a good idea

to put a canary in with a cat.

Not even a lonely canary and a lonely cat?

Not even a tiny cat and a giant canary.

You only saw half the results last night.

If you think Tom was miserable,

you should've seen poor Sal this morning.

( DOORBELL RINGS ) Who in the world is that?

I don't know.

Thomas. We were just talking about you.

Oh, were you? We sure were.

Come on in, Tom.

Thank you. I can't stay but a minute.

I just came by because, well--

because I'm a little upset about last evening.

We thought you would be. Well, I am.

I realize you went through a lot of trouble for me to meet Sally.

Thomas, about last night--

you should know that it was my idea

for you and Sally to meet.

Oh, don't listen to her, Tom.

It was as much my idea as yours.

I'm surprised at you two.

Surprised at us? Why?

For trying to grab credit from each other.

Credit?

For the delightful evening.

Delightful? But you just said

that you were upset about last night.

I was. I was upset

because I didn't thank you properly for it.

That Sally sure does go on, doesn't she?

My, I had a good time.

You had a good time?

Oh, yes. I can't remember

when I laughed that much.

Thomas, we didn't see you laughing.

Oh, not here.

Last night when I got home.

And at the lab all day.

I kept remembering some of the things she said,

and I'd find myself just laughing out loud.

Right out loud.

Why, once, I shook so hard,

I emulsified xylene and hexyl alcohol.

And you know they don't mix.

Oh, no. They don't mix.

I've never met anyone quite like your Sally before.

There aren't many like her.

Rob, I was wondering--

do you think Sally would go to the movies with me some evening?

I mean, do you think she might like that?

Well, I don't know.

What do you think, Laura?

Well, gee, I don't know.

I hate to try and decide

what people might or might not like.

That would be butting in, wouldn't it?

Yes, that, uh-- that would be... What she said.

What do you think, Thomas?

I'd like to call her, but...

I really don't think I'm her type. Do you?

Well, I don't want to butt in.

But it would be easy to find out...

By calling her up.

Plaza 39098.

Oh, I don't know.

What was that number?

Plaza 39098. Plaza 39098.

What?

What?

Oh, I don't know.

Around $10, I suppose. why?

( LAUGHING )

I see.

Good-bye, Sally.

Ha ha ha! That girl, she does go on.

What was that about the $10?

She wanted to know how much money I was gonna spend on her

so she'd know how dressed up to get for me.

( ALL LAUGHING )

Well, honey, you did it.

You put a canary in with a cat.

You're amazing. I'm not kidding myself.

I don't imagine they'll end up married.

But at least, when they go to the movies, they've got company,

and that's better than going alone.

You're absolutely right.

Honey, I have a funny-looking cousin

who'd like to meet a girl.

Do you have any single friends for my cousin?

Uh, well, what's this cousin look like?

He looks a lot like me.

Hmm.

Well, you know what they say about beauty.

♪♪