The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 2 - My Blonde-Haired Brunette - full transcript
A series of events occur that make Laura believe that Rob no longer sees her as the beautiful, young and lovable wife she hopes she still is. These events include Rob wanting to sleep in on his day off instead of waking up to eat breakfast with her, Rob being irked by her romantically playful attempts to wake him up, Rob not caring how he looks around her, Rob calling her his "old lady", and Rob pulling out a white hair from her head. Rob eventually sees that Laura is upset, but she won't tell him why if he doesn't know. Rob asks Buddy and Sally for advice, they collectively coming to the conclusion that Rob perhaps is not paying enough attention to her and not telling her often enough that he loves her. Laura turns to Millie, who thinks that Laura has to spice up their marriage every once in while by doing something different and daring, like dying her hair blonde. Once Laura does the deed, she's sorry she did it for more than one reason and tries to hide the fact of her new bleached state before Rob comes home and sees his new and perhaps not better wife.
♪♪
Good morning, darling.
Come on, rise and shine.
It's a beautiful day out, Rob.
The sun is shining. Come on, honey.
Let's get an early start.
Rob? Honey? Hey.
Don't do that!
( THINKING ) don't do that?
He used to love me to do that.
Hmm. my prince charming.
Promised to slay dragons for me.
He won't even get up to have breakfast with me
on his day off.
Well, I guess it's natural for a husband
to behave this way after so many years of marriage.
But I still feel like eating breakfast with him.
I wonder if he's getting tired of me.
I never noticed these lines before.
Maybe he has.
Oh, I'm just being silly.
We're not married that long.
Rob? Are you asleep?
( GROANS )
want to have breakfast with me?
What time is it?
It's after 9:00.
How much after?
A minute.
Rob, don't you want to have breakfast with me?
Oh, do I have to?
No, you don't have to,
if you'd rather just lie there.
Oh, yeah, I would.
Well, I guess I'll just have to have breakfast alone again.
No, wait for me, honey. I'll eat with you.
When? In two hours?
If I wait till 11:00, I'll faint.
Good idea.
All right!
Honey?
Would you pull the curtain?
The light's in my eyes.
Rob, are you going to sleep all day?
No, just till 11:00, honey.
Wake me at 11:00.
( ALARM RINGING )
( ALARM STOPS ) Ahh.
Oh, boy. I feel good!
Good morning, honey. Morning, honey.
Thanks for letting me sleep.
Feeling better?
Oh, those extra two hours' sleep really set me up.
Sure. What time did you get up?
Oh, I've been up since 7:00.
Oh, then you've had your breakfast.
Mm-mm. Waited for you.
You must be starving. How'd you do that?
It's easy. I set the alarm ahead two hours.
Good idea.
You mean I didn't get those extra two hours' sleep?
No.
Well, uh...
How much extra sleep did I get?
About seven seconds.
Oh, boy, am I tired.
Rob, you've had eight hours.
I know, but that was last night.
I like to get a couple of hours in the morning.
Oh, Rob! You--
Shh, honey.
Have a little respect for daddy!
Morning, honey.
( KISSES ) how's my old lady?
What did you say?
I said, how's my old lady?
Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately,
but I'm fine.
Oh, touche.
Honey, there's pits and seeds
and orange flesh in this orange juice.
You know how meticulous I am about my orange flesh.
Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you?
My, don't you look dashing.
Why, thank you, my dear.
What are you doing?
A gray hair.
So?
So...congratulations.
Today you're a woman.
Here, you want to press it in a book
or have it bronzed?
Do you want your breakfast now?
Sure.
Honey...
Are you angry with me for something?
What makes you think that?
( SLAMS )
that makes me think that.
I've been joking around with you.
You haven't been joking back.
You mean I'm not my usual pleasant self?
Honey, are you angry with me
because I didn't have breakfast with you?
No, I'm not. You're not angry?
No, I'm not angry!
( CLANGING )
Honey, who have you got in there?
I am beating your eggs.
What do you want with them?
I don't know. A smile might be nice.
I think I'll go back and, uh...
Start the whole day over again.
While you're at it, you might choose something
a little less formal to wear.
Honey, this is my day-off outfit.
That's it. You're angry with me
because of the way I'm dressed.
Well, do you like the way you look?
Well...
I guess I do look pretty yucky at that.
I'm sorry, honey. I'll go in and change.
No, no, you don't have to change on my account.
Who's account am I gonna change on?
I can't see how yucky I look.
Well, I can.
I mean, don't you care
that I can see you looking this way?
Just...excuse me.
I don't know, honey. You always told me before
that I look cute when I'm sloppy.
You don't look cute.
You look like someone who doesn't care if--
if--
who doesn't care if what?
Well, if I walked around like that--
I mean, if a husband really cares about--
well, all I know is that if--
( CRYING ) well, if the bloom is off the rose, then--
and if two married people can't--
well, then I say, what's the use?!
Honey!
Honey, what are you trying to say?
You just don't care!
Don't care about what?
Well, if you don't know what you don't care about,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you.
Honey!
I don't know what you just said.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
I know this has something to do with my sleeping late
and my general yuckiness.
Honey, I don't like to see you this way.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, just eat your eggs!
( SOBBING )
Oh...honey?
You can stop crying. I'm eating my eggs.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Say, what's the matter with you, Laura?
We've been addressing envelopes for an hour now,
and all you can say is, "uh-huh" or "hmm".
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Everything all right with you and Rob?
Why do you ask that?
Oh, I don't know.
You've noticed something between us, haven't you?
No, not at all. I just asked--
no, Millie, you did notice something, didn't you?
Well, I'm noticing it now. What's happened?
Oh, Millie.
I've seen it happen to other married couples,
but I just never thought I'd see it happen to Rob and me.
I mean, that-- that Rob--
that my--that-- what?
( CRYING ) that my own husband--
what? Would--
Laura, you're making me nervous!
What happened?
This.
He hit you in the head?!
No, of course not.
Well, what are you showing me?
Can't you see the gray hair?
Gray hair?
Where? I don't see any gray hair.
Well, it was there yesterday.
Rob pulled one out.
Oh, Millie, I'm getting old.
Oh, come on, Laura. One gray hair
isn't gonna make you old.
Yeah, well, it's not just the gray hair.
It's Rob's whole attitude toward me.
You can stuff that one.
You mean he's not as attentive as he used to be?
No, he's not. And he doesn't look at me
the same way he used to, either.
Well, why should he? He's got you memorized.
He knows you're pretty, and he takes it for granted.
Yeah, that's it. For granted.
Everything in our lives is just too for granted.
We each know exactly what the other is going to think and do.
There just aren't any more surprises left.
Well, you have to make them. How do you do that?
Whenever Jerry starts taking me for granted,
I have a simple remedy. What?
I just bleach my hair.
You bleach your hair? Uh-huh.
It's amazing what happens.
Jerry will stare at me as though he's looking
at a whole new lady.
He gets very affectionate, too.
Millie, do you think that if I bleach my hair--
no, I couldn't.
Why not?
Well, I don't think Rob would approve of me as a blonde.
How does he feel about Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot?
Millie, I'll do it.
Great, marvelous!
What do we do first?
♪ Five, four, three
♪ Two, one
Zero! Well, we did it.
What? What'd we do?
We wasted a whole day.
Thanks a lot. For this big scoop, you had to wake me up?
I had a beautiful dream.
Now you can go home and finish it.
Not this one.
My wife wouldn't let me bring it in the house.
Look, you guys, if you want to call it a day, go home.
Rob, I'm here to work. If you want to work, let's work.
You're doing your nails. I figured you had a date.
As a matter of fact, I have,
but it's the kind of a date
where it's better if I show up a little late.
Like two or three days.
Oh, one of those, huh?
Whatever happened to all those prospective bridegrooms
you used to have hanging around here?
They're still around. Yeah?
There's Doubting Charlie, there's--
Doubting Charlie?
Yeah, he keeps proposing,
and I keep saying yes,
but he just won't believe me.
Remember that guy you used to have around--
he had an ear like this and a funny nose like this?
You mean Woodrow Glimsher.
That's him. Woodrow Glimsher.
He's got a mother problem.
Yeah, he's got a name problem, too.
See, Woodrow's mother wants him to wait a little while.
She doesn't want him to get married until I'm too old.
Well, who's the lucky little gent tonight?
Herman. Who's Herman?
Please, let's not talk about before dinner.
Where'd you meet this Herman?
Woodrow's mother introduced us.
Come on, Sal, what is he like?
Herman? Well, Herman is, uh...
Blech.
Blech! Herman Blech! I think I know him.
Are you gonna talk about my romances,
or are we gonna get some work done around here?
Look, gang on home.
I'm sorry I've been such a big drag today.
You know, you have been a drag.
What's the matter? You sick or something? No, I'm not sick.
Don't you know our chief well enough by now?
When he's sick, he works harder.
When he broods, it's one of two things--
one, he had a fight with Laura,
or two, Laura had a fight with him.
True or false? True.
Well, what was the beef about?
I don't know. we didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
Oh, one of those-- "and if you don't know..."
BOTH: "I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Hey, Rob, did she give you a hint?
She was about to at one point,
then she started to cry.
Ohh, this kid is in trouble.
Rob, why don't you do like I do?
Yeah, why don't you do like he does?
What do you do?
I just look down my list
of all the things wives get upset about.
Good thinking.
I've been doing that all day, Buddy.
It hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Well, maybe your list isn't as full as mine.
The longer you're married, the longer the list.
Hey, how about jealousy?
No, I tried that. It couldn't be jealousy.
Laura doesn't cry when she's jealous.
She just sits there and smiles. Smiles?
Yeah, like this.
Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?
No, I love my mother-in-law. I never insult her.
That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat.
You gotta insult 'em,
or they think you don't care.
You know, this is an education.
I gotta remember this if Woodrow's mother ever proposes.
How about presents? Presents?
Yeah, like for special occasions.
Like what?
Birthday, anniversary...
Valentine's day, Mother's Day...
Bastille day, Rosh Hashanah.
Except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah,
I think I'm all squared away.
Did you take the garbage out? Every night.
More important, have you taken her out?
Almost as often as the garbage.
Rob, have you told her how pretty she is
and that you love her so much you just can't work?
Oh, she--
Sal, you're kidding, but you know something?
I think you might've hit it.
I can't remember the last time I told her I loved her.
See? Sally is right.
Listen, the worst thing that can happen to a woman
is...that she go out on a date
with one unpolished fingernail.
Listen, gang, thanks a lot.
I'm sorry it's been such an unproductive day.
What do you mean, unproductive?
I got in a beautiful eight hours' sleep.
I got my nails done and saved your marriage.
I think it's been a beautiful day.
Here's your coat, Sal.
Tally ho.
Holy tal.
( LINE RINGS )
Hello? Oh, hi, Rob.
It's Millie. Laura's in the other room.
Just a minute, I'll get her.
Laura? It's Rob.
LAURA: Oh, I can't talk with him this way!
Laura, you're being foolish.
She'll be with you in a minute.
You look beautiful.
I look hideous!
I disagree, but even if you do,
he can't see you on the phone.
Oh, Millie, I don't know why
I ever let you talk me into it.
I can't stand the way I look.
Rob will love it, you'll see.
Hello, Rob?
What? What did you say?
Sing that again.
Well, I don't think it was that good,
but if you insist.
♪ I dreamed of Laura
♪ With the dark brown hair
Did you tell him about my hair?
I didn't say anything but "Hello"?
Then why is he singing about my dark brown hair?
I don't know. it's just a coincidence.
Honey? What's going on there?
Oh, nothing, darling. Nothing.
Millie just asked me a question.
Uh, what'd you call about?
Well, nothing, really.
You just called to sing about my hair?
Well, actually, I called to... Tell you I love you
and that I'd like to be your friend again.
Well, you didn't call about my hair, then?
No, I didn't call about your hair. Why would I do that?
Well, I don't know. I pick up the phone,
and there you are, singing about my dark brown hair.
I mean, Rob, do you really like my hair?
I mean really like my hair?
Honey, I love your hair.
Well, honey, what if I were a blonde?
Would I be as attractive to you
if I were a blonde?
Uh...I can't picture you as a blonde, honey.
Wait a minute. Yes, I can.
You know who you'd look like? Who?
Harpo Marx.
He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!
And I do!
Honey...
You're not considering bleaching your hair, are you?
Oh, no, I'm not considering that.
Good. Don't you dare. I married a brunette, honey.
If I wanted a blonde, I could've married...
Brigitte Bardot or Marilyn Monroe.
You stay as sweet as you are.
Look, honey, I'll be home in less than an hour
to take my brown-haired beauty to dinner.
Uh--
you're supposed to say, "Yay."
Yay.
You, uh, don't sound too pleased.
Well, I am, honey. I'm-- I'm very pleased.
It's just that I don't think I can go.
Why not?
Well, it's my hair.
I know, it's a mess, honey. But you'll get it looking fine.
You always do.
No, it's-- well, I shampooed it,
and I don't think it'll be dry in time.
So you go ahead to the restaurant,
and I'll meet you there in--
how long will it take you to dye it back?
About an hour. But why do you want-- shh!
In about an hour. So don't come home.
Will you please calm down? It's just dinner.
What are you so excited about?
Well, uh, I'm just excited
about going out to dinner with you.
I'll be home in less than an hour.
I'm on my way. bye.
No, no. Rob? Wait--
( CLICK )
Millie, you've got less than an hour
to turn me back into a brunette.
Why don't you let Rob see you this way?
Because I look like Harpo Marx!
Well, all right. But I don't know if I can do it in an hour.
You just said you could!
I know, but I just remembered--
I don't have your shade in stock.
I used it all up on myself last week.
Oh...what are you doing?
I'll have to call the drug store.
How long will it take?
Until I'm finished dialing.
No, I mean to dye it back.
I'll ask them to rush it.
( RINGS )
Hello?
Hello? How fast can you get
a bottle of number 3 brown hair coloring
to 148 Bonnie Meadow Road?
It's an emergency! A what?
An emergency!
A hair coloring emergency?
Yes!
Is this a rib?
It's no rib.
Is that you, Phil?
No, it's not Phil! It's Mrs. Helper!
Oh, oh, Mrs. Helper, yes. Fine.
Now, don't get excited.
I'll get it over to you as fast as I can.
Come on. Millie, we'll never get it done in time!
Laurie?
Rich?
Where is everybody?
Here I am, Daddy!
What are you doing in there?
Playing hat check.
Oh. well, how's business?
Terrible.
All right, I'll tell you what.
Here is a tip for you. Thanks.
Hey, did you bring me anything, Daddy?
Rich, I just gave you the baseball cards.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Rich, where's your mommy?
She's in the bedroom, coloring.
Oh.
Coloring?
Hi, Millie. Hi.
Don't go in there? Huh?
You were going in the bedroom, weren't you?
Yeah, why? Just don't.
Is Laura in there? Yes, she is, but--
is she all right? Has anything happened?
Well, no. She's all right.
Millie, I'm her husband.
If anything's happened-- Laura?
Rob, trust me.
Go away and come back in an hour.
I will not. Laura, are you all right?
LAURA: don't come in!
Why not? Because I don't want you to.
This is getting ridiculous.
Laura, are you all right?
( SOBBING ) I'm--I'm fine!
Just go away!
If you go away and come back in one hour--
I'm not going away and coming back in any hour.
Now, please, Millie. I'll stay here
till I find out what this is--
Laura?
Laura, this is my house,
you're my wife.
And this is my door.
Open it up and let me in there.
LAURA: Please, Rob, go away.
Laura, I'm serious.
( DEEP VOICE ) Laura, listen to the tone of my voice.
Laura, now, you know this tone, don't you?
Laura, I am not a violent man,
but unless you're out of there by the time I count to three,
I'm gonna bust this door down.
Go away!
Laura, I'm serious.
One...
Two...
( SCREAMS INDISTINCTLY )
Rich, go to your room and look at your baseball cards.
Can I see you bust the door down first?
I am not gonna bust the door down.
I'm gonna bust that door down.
Go to your room.
Where was I?
One.
Thank you.
One...
Two...
Three!
Why?
What is that?
Well, are you satisfied?
We told you to come back in an hour.
You're bleaching your hair blond.
We're not bleaching her hair--
I suppose it's turning by itself?
We're dyeing it back to its natural color.
Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.
All afternoon!
Honey, why?
Why? Well, yesterday morning,
I kissed you,
and you said, "Don't do that."
And you came down to breakfast
in your yucky shirt...
( SOBBING INDISTINCTLY )
and the gray hair!
And the Harpo Marx!
And the general yuckiness!
Honey.
Honey, it's all right.
I understand, honey.
I understand.
You do?
Uh, I think I'll come back after dinner
and finish the job.
Bye.
Oh, Rob.
Bye, everybody.
Good night, Daddy. Good night, son.
Daddy, tomorrow, is Mommy's hair
gonna be brown again?
It certainly is. That's good.
Oh, you think mama's prettier with brown hair, too?
No, I think she's prettier with yellow.
You do? Mm-hmm.
Then why are you so happy about her turning it brown again?
Because I don't want her to look prettier.
I want her to look like Mommy.
( LAUGHS )
♪♪
Good morning, darling.
Come on, rise and shine.
It's a beautiful day out, Rob.
The sun is shining. Come on, honey.
Let's get an early start.
Rob? Honey? Hey.
Don't do that!
( THINKING ) don't do that?
He used to love me to do that.
Hmm. my prince charming.
Promised to slay dragons for me.
He won't even get up to have breakfast with me
on his day off.
Well, I guess it's natural for a husband
to behave this way after so many years of marriage.
But I still feel like eating breakfast with him.
I wonder if he's getting tired of me.
I never noticed these lines before.
Maybe he has.
Oh, I'm just being silly.
We're not married that long.
Rob? Are you asleep?
( GROANS )
want to have breakfast with me?
What time is it?
It's after 9:00.
How much after?
A minute.
Rob, don't you want to have breakfast with me?
Oh, do I have to?
No, you don't have to,
if you'd rather just lie there.
Oh, yeah, I would.
Well, I guess I'll just have to have breakfast alone again.
No, wait for me, honey. I'll eat with you.
When? In two hours?
If I wait till 11:00, I'll faint.
Good idea.
All right!
Honey?
Would you pull the curtain?
The light's in my eyes.
Rob, are you going to sleep all day?
No, just till 11:00, honey.
Wake me at 11:00.
( ALARM RINGING )
( ALARM STOPS ) Ahh.
Oh, boy. I feel good!
Good morning, honey. Morning, honey.
Thanks for letting me sleep.
Feeling better?
Oh, those extra two hours' sleep really set me up.
Sure. What time did you get up?
Oh, I've been up since 7:00.
Oh, then you've had your breakfast.
Mm-mm. Waited for you.
You must be starving. How'd you do that?
It's easy. I set the alarm ahead two hours.
Good idea.
You mean I didn't get those extra two hours' sleep?
No.
Well, uh...
How much extra sleep did I get?
About seven seconds.
Oh, boy, am I tired.
Rob, you've had eight hours.
I know, but that was last night.
I like to get a couple of hours in the morning.
Oh, Rob! You--
Shh, honey.
Have a little respect for daddy!
Morning, honey.
( KISSES ) how's my old lady?
What did you say?
I said, how's my old lady?
Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately,
but I'm fine.
Oh, touche.
Honey, there's pits and seeds
and orange flesh in this orange juice.
You know how meticulous I am about my orange flesh.
Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you?
My, don't you look dashing.
Why, thank you, my dear.
What are you doing?
A gray hair.
So?
So...congratulations.
Today you're a woman.
Here, you want to press it in a book
or have it bronzed?
Do you want your breakfast now?
Sure.
Honey...
Are you angry with me for something?
What makes you think that?
( SLAMS )
that makes me think that.
I've been joking around with you.
You haven't been joking back.
You mean I'm not my usual pleasant self?
Honey, are you angry with me
because I didn't have breakfast with you?
No, I'm not. You're not angry?
No, I'm not angry!
( CLANGING )
Honey, who have you got in there?
I am beating your eggs.
What do you want with them?
I don't know. A smile might be nice.
I think I'll go back and, uh...
Start the whole day over again.
While you're at it, you might choose something
a little less formal to wear.
Honey, this is my day-off outfit.
That's it. You're angry with me
because of the way I'm dressed.
Well, do you like the way you look?
Well...
I guess I do look pretty yucky at that.
I'm sorry, honey. I'll go in and change.
No, no, you don't have to change on my account.
Who's account am I gonna change on?
I can't see how yucky I look.
Well, I can.
I mean, don't you care
that I can see you looking this way?
Just...excuse me.
I don't know, honey. You always told me before
that I look cute when I'm sloppy.
You don't look cute.
You look like someone who doesn't care if--
if--
who doesn't care if what?
Well, if I walked around like that--
I mean, if a husband really cares about--
well, all I know is that if--
( CRYING ) well, if the bloom is off the rose, then--
and if two married people can't--
well, then I say, what's the use?!
Honey!
Honey, what are you trying to say?
You just don't care!
Don't care about what?
Well, if you don't know what you don't care about,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you.
Honey!
I don't know what you just said.
I don't know what you're so upset about.
I know this has something to do with my sleeping late
and my general yuckiness.
Honey, I don't like to see you this way.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, just eat your eggs!
( SOBBING )
Oh...honey?
You can stop crying. I'm eating my eggs.
( DOOR SLAMS )
Say, what's the matter with you, Laura?
We've been addressing envelopes for an hour now,
and all you can say is, "uh-huh" or "hmm".
Are you all right? I'm fine.
Everything all right with you and Rob?
Why do you ask that?
Oh, I don't know.
You've noticed something between us, haven't you?
No, not at all. I just asked--
no, Millie, you did notice something, didn't you?
Well, I'm noticing it now. What's happened?
Oh, Millie.
I've seen it happen to other married couples,
but I just never thought I'd see it happen to Rob and me.
I mean, that-- that Rob--
that my--that-- what?
( CRYING ) that my own husband--
what? Would--
Laura, you're making me nervous!
What happened?
This.
He hit you in the head?!
No, of course not.
Well, what are you showing me?
Can't you see the gray hair?
Gray hair?
Where? I don't see any gray hair.
Well, it was there yesterday.
Rob pulled one out.
Oh, Millie, I'm getting old.
Oh, come on, Laura. One gray hair
isn't gonna make you old.
Yeah, well, it's not just the gray hair.
It's Rob's whole attitude toward me.
You can stuff that one.
You mean he's not as attentive as he used to be?
No, he's not. And he doesn't look at me
the same way he used to, either.
Well, why should he? He's got you memorized.
He knows you're pretty, and he takes it for granted.
Yeah, that's it. For granted.
Everything in our lives is just too for granted.
We each know exactly what the other is going to think and do.
There just aren't any more surprises left.
Well, you have to make them. How do you do that?
Whenever Jerry starts taking me for granted,
I have a simple remedy. What?
I just bleach my hair.
You bleach your hair? Uh-huh.
It's amazing what happens.
Jerry will stare at me as though he's looking
at a whole new lady.
He gets very affectionate, too.
Millie, do you think that if I bleach my hair--
no, I couldn't.
Why not?
Well, I don't think Rob would approve of me as a blonde.
How does he feel about Marilyn Monroe and Brigitte Bardot?
Millie, I'll do it.
Great, marvelous!
What do we do first?
♪ Five, four, three
♪ Two, one
Zero! Well, we did it.
What? What'd we do?
We wasted a whole day.
Thanks a lot. For this big scoop, you had to wake me up?
I had a beautiful dream.
Now you can go home and finish it.
Not this one.
My wife wouldn't let me bring it in the house.
Look, you guys, if you want to call it a day, go home.
Rob, I'm here to work. If you want to work, let's work.
You're doing your nails. I figured you had a date.
As a matter of fact, I have,
but it's the kind of a date
where it's better if I show up a little late.
Like two or three days.
Oh, one of those, huh?
Whatever happened to all those prospective bridegrooms
you used to have hanging around here?
They're still around. Yeah?
There's Doubting Charlie, there's--
Doubting Charlie?
Yeah, he keeps proposing,
and I keep saying yes,
but he just won't believe me.
Remember that guy you used to have around--
he had an ear like this and a funny nose like this?
You mean Woodrow Glimsher.
That's him. Woodrow Glimsher.
He's got a mother problem.
Yeah, he's got a name problem, too.
See, Woodrow's mother wants him to wait a little while.
She doesn't want him to get married until I'm too old.
Well, who's the lucky little gent tonight?
Herman. Who's Herman?
Please, let's not talk about before dinner.
Where'd you meet this Herman?
Woodrow's mother introduced us.
Come on, Sal, what is he like?
Herman? Well, Herman is, uh...
Blech.
Blech! Herman Blech! I think I know him.
Are you gonna talk about my romances,
or are we gonna get some work done around here?
Look, gang on home.
I'm sorry I've been such a big drag today.
You know, you have been a drag.
What's the matter? You sick or something? No, I'm not sick.
Don't you know our chief well enough by now?
When he's sick, he works harder.
When he broods, it's one of two things--
one, he had a fight with Laura,
or two, Laura had a fight with him.
True or false? True.
Well, what was the beef about?
I don't know. we didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
Oh, one of those-- "and if you don't know..."
BOTH: "I'm certainly not going to tell you."
Hey, Rob, did she give you a hint?
She was about to at one point,
then she started to cry.
Ohh, this kid is in trouble.
Rob, why don't you do like I do?
Yeah, why don't you do like he does?
What do you do?
I just look down my list
of all the things wives get upset about.
Good thinking.
I've been doing that all day, Buddy.
It hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Well, maybe your list isn't as full as mine.
The longer you're married, the longer the list.
Hey, how about jealousy?
No, I tried that. It couldn't be jealousy.
Laura doesn't cry when she's jealous.
She just sits there and smiles. Smiles?
Yeah, like this.
Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?
No, I love my mother-in-law. I never insult her.
That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat.
You gotta insult 'em,
or they think you don't care.
You know, this is an education.
I gotta remember this if Woodrow's mother ever proposes.
How about presents? Presents?
Yeah, like for special occasions.
Like what?
Birthday, anniversary...
Valentine's day, Mother's Day...
Bastille day, Rosh Hashanah.
Except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah,
I think I'm all squared away.
Did you take the garbage out? Every night.
More important, have you taken her out?
Almost as often as the garbage.
Rob, have you told her how pretty she is
and that you love her so much you just can't work?
Oh, she--
Sal, you're kidding, but you know something?
I think you might've hit it.
I can't remember the last time I told her I loved her.
See? Sally is right.
Listen, the worst thing that can happen to a woman
is...that she go out on a date
with one unpolished fingernail.
Listen, gang, thanks a lot.
I'm sorry it's been such an unproductive day.
What do you mean, unproductive?
I got in a beautiful eight hours' sleep.
I got my nails done and saved your marriage.
I think it's been a beautiful day.
Here's your coat, Sal.
Tally ho.
Holy tal.
( LINE RINGS )
Hello? Oh, hi, Rob.
It's Millie. Laura's in the other room.
Just a minute, I'll get her.
Laura? It's Rob.
LAURA: Oh, I can't talk with him this way!
Laura, you're being foolish.
She'll be with you in a minute.
You look beautiful.
I look hideous!
I disagree, but even if you do,
he can't see you on the phone.
Oh, Millie, I don't know why
I ever let you talk me into it.
I can't stand the way I look.
Rob will love it, you'll see.
Hello, Rob?
What? What did you say?
Sing that again.
Well, I don't think it was that good,
but if you insist.
♪ I dreamed of Laura
♪ With the dark brown hair
Did you tell him about my hair?
I didn't say anything but "Hello"?
Then why is he singing about my dark brown hair?
I don't know. it's just a coincidence.
Honey? What's going on there?
Oh, nothing, darling. Nothing.
Millie just asked me a question.
Uh, what'd you call about?
Well, nothing, really.
You just called to sing about my hair?
Well, actually, I called to... Tell you I love you
and that I'd like to be your friend again.
Well, you didn't call about my hair, then?
No, I didn't call about your hair. Why would I do that?
Well, I don't know. I pick up the phone,
and there you are, singing about my dark brown hair.
I mean, Rob, do you really like my hair?
I mean really like my hair?
Honey, I love your hair.
Well, honey, what if I were a blonde?
Would I be as attractive to you
if I were a blonde?
Uh...I can't picture you as a blonde, honey.
Wait a minute. Yes, I can.
You know who you'd look like? Who?
Harpo Marx.
He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!
And I do!
Honey...
You're not considering bleaching your hair, are you?
Oh, no, I'm not considering that.
Good. Don't you dare. I married a brunette, honey.
If I wanted a blonde, I could've married...
Brigitte Bardot or Marilyn Monroe.
You stay as sweet as you are.
Look, honey, I'll be home in less than an hour
to take my brown-haired beauty to dinner.
Uh--
you're supposed to say, "Yay."
Yay.
You, uh, don't sound too pleased.
Well, I am, honey. I'm-- I'm very pleased.
It's just that I don't think I can go.
Why not?
Well, it's my hair.
I know, it's a mess, honey. But you'll get it looking fine.
You always do.
No, it's-- well, I shampooed it,
and I don't think it'll be dry in time.
So you go ahead to the restaurant,
and I'll meet you there in--
how long will it take you to dye it back?
About an hour. But why do you want-- shh!
In about an hour. So don't come home.
Will you please calm down? It's just dinner.
What are you so excited about?
Well, uh, I'm just excited
about going out to dinner with you.
I'll be home in less than an hour.
I'm on my way. bye.
No, no. Rob? Wait--
( CLICK )
Millie, you've got less than an hour
to turn me back into a brunette.
Why don't you let Rob see you this way?
Because I look like Harpo Marx!
Well, all right. But I don't know if I can do it in an hour.
You just said you could!
I know, but I just remembered--
I don't have your shade in stock.
I used it all up on myself last week.
Oh...what are you doing?
I'll have to call the drug store.
How long will it take?
Until I'm finished dialing.
No, I mean to dye it back.
I'll ask them to rush it.
( RINGS )
Hello?
Hello? How fast can you get
a bottle of number 3 brown hair coloring
to 148 Bonnie Meadow Road?
It's an emergency! A what?
An emergency!
A hair coloring emergency?
Yes!
Is this a rib?
It's no rib.
Is that you, Phil?
No, it's not Phil! It's Mrs. Helper!
Oh, oh, Mrs. Helper, yes. Fine.
Now, don't get excited.
I'll get it over to you as fast as I can.
Come on. Millie, we'll never get it done in time!
Laurie?
Rich?
Where is everybody?
Here I am, Daddy!
What are you doing in there?
Playing hat check.
Oh. well, how's business?
Terrible.
All right, I'll tell you what.
Here is a tip for you. Thanks.
Hey, did you bring me anything, Daddy?
Rich, I just gave you the baseball cards.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Rich, where's your mommy?
She's in the bedroom, coloring.
Oh.
Coloring?
Hi, Millie. Hi.
Don't go in there? Huh?
You were going in the bedroom, weren't you?
Yeah, why? Just don't.
Is Laura in there? Yes, she is, but--
is she all right? Has anything happened?
Well, no. She's all right.
Millie, I'm her husband.
If anything's happened-- Laura?
Rob, trust me.
Go away and come back in an hour.
I will not. Laura, are you all right?
LAURA: don't come in!
Why not? Because I don't want you to.
This is getting ridiculous.
Laura, are you all right?
( SOBBING ) I'm--I'm fine!
Just go away!
If you go away and come back in one hour--
I'm not going away and coming back in any hour.
Now, please, Millie. I'll stay here
till I find out what this is--
Laura?
Laura, this is my house,
you're my wife.
And this is my door.
Open it up and let me in there.
LAURA: Please, Rob, go away.
Laura, I'm serious.
( DEEP VOICE ) Laura, listen to the tone of my voice.
Laura, now, you know this tone, don't you?
Laura, I am not a violent man,
but unless you're out of there by the time I count to three,
I'm gonna bust this door down.
Go away!
Laura, I'm serious.
One...
Two...
( SCREAMS INDISTINCTLY )
Rich, go to your room and look at your baseball cards.
Can I see you bust the door down first?
I am not gonna bust the door down.
I'm gonna bust that door down.
Go to your room.
Where was I?
One.
Thank you.
One...
Two...
Three!
Why?
What is that?
Well, are you satisfied?
We told you to come back in an hour.
You're bleaching your hair blond.
We're not bleaching her hair--
I suppose it's turning by itself?
We're dyeing it back to its natural color.
Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.
All afternoon!
Honey, why?
Why? Well, yesterday morning,
I kissed you,
and you said, "Don't do that."
And you came down to breakfast
in your yucky shirt...
( SOBBING INDISTINCTLY )
and the gray hair!
And the Harpo Marx!
And the general yuckiness!
Honey.
Honey, it's all right.
I understand, honey.
I understand.
You do?
Uh, I think I'll come back after dinner
and finish the job.
Bye.
Oh, Rob.
Bye, everybody.
Good night, Daddy. Good night, son.
Daddy, tomorrow, is Mommy's hair
gonna be brown again?
It certainly is. That's good.
Oh, you think mama's prettier with brown hair, too?
No, I think she's prettier with yellow.
You do? Mm-hmm.
Then why are you so happy about her turning it brown again?
Because I don't want her to look prettier.
I want her to look like Mommy.
( LAUGHS )
♪♪