The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 4 - Washington vs. the Bunny - full transcript
Rob, on a commuter flight from Washington DC to New York, is looking despondent. He ends up pouring his heart out to his seat mate, a traveling salesman in ladies underwear, about why he is feeling that way. It all started the day before when Alan, via Mel, ordered Rob to go to Washington to scout an up and coming singer. Every major television show was sending a scout. Her performance, however, coincided with Ritchie's school play, where he was to play the lead bunny. Rob wanted to attend Ritchie's play but felt he had an obligation to Alan and his job. But when Laura almost ordered Rob not to go to Washington in favor of Ritchie's play and be up front about the reason to Alan, Rob's new dilemma became whether he would allow Laura to dictate to him what he should or should not do. Regardless of the fact that the trip itself ended up being useless (as the singer came down with laryngitis and thus did not perform), Rob has to decide how he will deal with Laura when he gets home. Laura may have some say in the matter herself.
♪♪
( HUMMING )
( WHISTLING ALONG TO TUNE )
♪ You're a Shakespeare sonnet ♪
♪ You're somebody's bonnet ♪
♪ You're Mickey Mouse
Boy, that Irving Berlin
sure knew how to write 'em, didn't he?
Uh, Cole Porter.
You sure it wasn't Berlin?
Porter.
I could've swore Irving wrote that.
Then who wrote White Christmas?
Irving Berlin.
Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
I always get those two songs mixed up.
It's a good thing I don't need an ear for music.
I'm in ladies' underwear.
Oh?
Is that all you're gonna say, is, "Oh?"
What else am I supposed to say?
Usually, when I give somebody a zinger
like "I'm in ladies' underwear",
any guy with any kind of sense of humor at all
could make a pretty good joke out of it.
You gotta have a sense of humor to stay in business today.
What do you do for a living?
I write jokes.
( LAUGHS )
You write jokes? Ha ha ha!
You could've fooled me.
I'm a television writer.
No kiddin'? Hey, I never met a writer before.
How are you? What show are you on?
The Alan Brady Show.
Oh, that's a great show.
The Alan Brady Show is a great show.
You see it often? Never watch it.
You just said-- My wife and kids watch it all the time.
Heh heh heh! They've got more time for T.V. than I have.
Here they are.
How's that? 12, 10, 8, 6,
4, 2 1/2...
And four months. Ha ha ha!
Not bad for a traveling salesman, huh?
Not bad? I'd say it was perfect.
So you're a joke writer, huh?
Well, you sure missed a great chance
when I said, "I'm in ladies' underwear."
Afraid I'm just not up to par today.
You mean Jack, of course, huh? Hmm?
You said, "I'm not up to par." I said, "Jack".
You get it? Jack Paar. It's kind of a play on words.
Oh, yeah. huh.
You know, this is nothing personal, you understand,
but you don't seem like a very funny man to me.
You're kind of the serious type.
I'm afraid I have a bit of a headache today.
You had a fight with the missus, right?
How'd you know that?
You've got that guilty look on you.
I have? Yeah.
Ain't it funny the way your wife can make you feel you're wrong,
when all the time, in your heart, you know you're right?
Say, you must know my wife.
No, but I know my own. They're all alike.
What did you do?
It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.
What didn't you do?
Or is that stepping on personal territory?
Well-- Ah, come on. Talk about it.
Get it off your chest. It'll do you good.
Besides, I've read all the magazines.
( LAUGHS )
You know, by gosh, I'd like to talk about it.
Feel free. Well...
Maybe you can convince me that I'm not a liar
and a rotten husband and an irresponsible father.
Boy, whatever you didn't do,
I think you should've done it.
What was it exactly?
Maybe I'd better start from the beginning.
Take your time.
Yesterday, I didn't even know I had a problem.
I was trying to get my staff to do a little work for a change,
and Buddy-- One of the writers...
Hey, it's pretty near 4:00.
Why don't we knock off for a while?
The sketch is almost done,
and the kid'll be here with the coffee.
Hang on a minute. We may get a good idea
before he gets here.
Impossible, Rob. You know I can't work
when I can smell coffee coming.
Yeah, it's about two blocks away.
BUDDY: Hey, how about a little card trick?
Any card at all. It's a beauty.
I'm in no mood for magic. I want to get back to work.
Go ahead, we'll watch you.
Rob, why don't you do some exercise?
How about doing your pushups?
I did my pushups this morning. 20 of 'em.
20? You did-- Come on, nobody can do 20 pushups.
If he said he did, he did.
Let's not embarrass our chief.
You've seen me do them every morning
for two years now.
I never counted. You ever count, Sally?
I never watch him do pushups.
I can't stand to see the veins stick out on his temples.
I know what you guys are doing. You're just stalling.
All right, we're stalling.
But I still don't think you can do 20 pushups.
I'll make a deal with you. If I do 20 pushups,
will you two guys go back to work?
Okay. It's a deal.
This I gotta see.
How about some artificial respiration?
Well, there's none so far.
One. One.
Never. Two.
Oh, he's tired already.
Snacky service! Three coffees,
a prune yogurt and a danish. $1.15.
I got no money, Sally. How about you?
Never.
Rob, you got any loot?
Six. in my side pocket.
All righty. Seven.
How much did you say that was?
$1.15. $1.15.
Here's $2. He's a very big tipper.
ROB: Eight.
What's with him?
He claims he can do 20.
Oh, yeah? Hey, skinny!
$2 you don't make it.
13. you're on.
I'll hold the money. I'll hold the coffee.
( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )
Veins sticking out on his temples yet?
Like Charles Boyer.
His chest ain't touching the floor.
Then the floor is touching his chest. He's doin' it.
He's cheating. His elbows are bent.
18! He's got bent elbows!
19!
I wonder if--
Hi, Mel. What are you doing?
Paying for the pushups-- Uh, coffee!
One, two, three, four. Right!
$4 for coffee and danish pastry?
It's real danish. He flies it in from Denmark.
Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all, Mel.
Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee
with Goldilocks around.
Curdles the cream.
Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Oh! Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace.
Mel, what can we do for you? Have your coffee.
There's a young girl singer making her debut
on a local Washington Station tomorrow,
and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
Sure, I'd love to go. Ah, fine.
Hey, wait a minute. Tomorrow morning's bad for me.
How about the next day? I'm afraid not.
Every T.V. station in town
will be sending a scout down there,
and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
How about letting Buddy go?
Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
We want an opinion we can respect.
That does it. I quit!
Where's the resignation I dictated the other day?
I'll show this guy. All right. Here.
"I hereby tender my resignation
as writer on the Alan Brady Sh--"
Rob, he signed your name.
Sure, you think Rob is gonna work for a producer
who insults one of his staff?
Rob, what's the trouble? Why can't you go?
Well, it's a family problem, Mel.
My kid's gonna be in the school play tomorrow morning,
and I promised him I'd be there.
A kid's play? Is that all?
I want to be there.
Ritchie's gonna be the main bunny.
Main bunny?
Well, maybe it isn't important to you, but it's important to me.
Your sense of responsibility to your child is laudable,
but you also have a sense of responsibility
to Alan Brady and the show.
I promised Laura I'd go. I'm not trying to shirk--
Rob, I had a budget meeting the other night.
My wife tried to get me to take her dancing.
Now, I love to dance, and I love my wife,
but I realized I had a duty to Alan Brady and the show.
I told her so.
She tried every way imaginable to get me to take her dancing.
But I had to make her realize
that I was her husband, not a puppet.
She was not just going to pull strings
and make me dance.
Did I go dancing?
No. No, I stayed here
and had that budget meeting,
and Mrs. Cooley stayed home...alone.
You know, Mel... I'd like to cry.
I'd like to give him a rap right in the mouth.
Come on, will you settle down, please?
Mel, why couldn't I go tomorrow afternoon?
She goes on the air at 1:00.
And Al would be very upset if she made her debut on someone else's show.
Yeah, you're right. All right, tell him I'll go.
Ah, fine. And if you want Buddy to go,
we'll be glad to get another ticket.
One-way, of course.
Someday he's gonna get a big, fat lip
to go with that fat head of his.
Who's going to give it to me?
Sally.
( PLAYS NOTE ) ♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Mommy Lisa
No, honey, that's "Mona Lisa", not "Mommy Lisa".
Do it once more from the beginning.
Okay. ♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mona Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop ♪
♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the top
Hey, hey! Encore!
I need an encore.
Daddy, did you bring anything?
How about--let's see.
Um, half a stick of gum?
Yay!
Hi, honey. Hi.
Shouldn't you be laboring over a hot stove?
It's dinnertime. It was a toss-up
between broiling your lamb chops
or sewing Ritchie's bunny costume,
and your lamb chops lost.
Well, what won?
Beans and franks, okay?
Yay! My favorite.
Daddy, want to hear me sing "You're the Top?"
No, Daddy's gonna hear you sing it tomorrow.
He's going to be in the audience.
Well, it wouldn't hurt
to hear it now, just in case.
No, you'll hear it tomorrow.
Ritchie, go get ready for bed.
You be sure and brush your teeth.
Where should I put my gum?
I don't know. Where do you usually put your gum?
Here! Ritchie!
Okay, Mommy.
You run along now.
Okay!
How'd he get so cute?
Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
I'm surprised she said that. Why?
I think I'm cuter.
Give me a kiss.
Never kiss egomaniacs.
How about hungry husbands? Them I feed.
Need a hand?
Yeah, would you open this for me?
That bunny costume kept me pretty busy today.
Yeah. Boy, I sure would give anything
if I could see him in it.
Rob, are you trying to tell me something,
like you don't plan to be there tomorrow?
Well, honey, I was planning on being there, but--
Oh, rob, don't tell me you're gonna miss Ritchie's school play again.
Again? What do you mean, again?
I've never missed any of his plays.
Yes, you have. When?
I don't remember when, but you have.
Honey, I haven't missed any of his performances.
I was there on the Spring Pageant
when he played the sick butterfly.
I remember the one where he played the poisoned mushroom.
You didn't see him when he played the mean elm tree.
The mean-- Yes, I did too.
Remember how nervous we were when his bark kept peeling off?
You see? I've seen every one of his performances.
No, you haven't. You didn't see him when he played Hamlet.
Hamlet? Yeah, see? You missed his Hamlet.
When was that?
Last year at the kindergarten Shakespeare Festival.
No, honey, you told me I could miss that one.
You said all he did was come out there holding the skull.
Well, this time he's a bunny, the main bunny.
And I should think you'd want to be there.
Honey, I do want to be there,
but there's a girl singer in Washington
the boss wants me to hear.
Well, there's a boy singer
here in New Rochelle that I want you to hear.
Oh, honey, that's not even fair.
I've got a responsibility to my job.
Every big television variety show is sending a scout down there,
and I've got to go.
Well, all I can say is, if it doesn't bother you
that you're missing your son sing
for the first time in public,
then his little heart will be broken
when he finds out his own father wasn't even there.
Oh, honey, I'm sure a lot of fathers won't be there.
Rich won't even notice I'm missing.
You talkin' about me?
Yeah, about your show tomorrow.
I'm the main bunny! I know.
I'm the only bunny that sings. You bet you are.
I sing you're the top by Cole Porter.
Rich, are all your friends' daddies gonna be there tomorrow?
Uh-uh. Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
Because he's dead.
Rich...
Rich, run on up to bed,
and I'll tuck you in later. Okay.
♪ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa... ♪
Well?
Alan? Rob Petrie.
Have you got a minute, Alan?
It's about the trip to Washington tomorrow, Alan.
No, it's just a problem here at home.
My kid has this thing.
No, he's not sick. It's his arm.
Well, we don't know. We're gonna have it x-rayed tomorrow.
It may be broken.
Or maybe it's just a sprain.
Rob, what are you doing?
What's it sound like I'm doing? I'm lying.
What'd you say, Alan? I couldn't hear you.
The, uh-- The kid was crying.
Well, that's awfully nice of you, Alan.
Yeah. I'm sure I can get down there the next day.
I just hope somebody doesn't sign her up tomorrow.
Thanks a lot, Alan. Bye.
Oh, boy.
Just to get out of a trip to Wash--
See what you made me do, honey?
I liked like a fool. I groveled in the dirt.
And I broke my son's arm.
What I made you do? Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady
that the reason I can't go to Washington
is because my son is the main bunny.
ROB: All that night, I tossed and turned.
I kept thinking about how I lied to my boss,
told him my son's arm was broken.
I was torn between wanting to see my son's play
and wanting to do my job.
I wanted to make Laura happy,
but I didn't want to be a puppet.
Oh, I had a dream that night.
Oh, it was a lulu.
I felt as if I were running in two directions
at the same time.
MEL: Washington, Washington.
Where are you going, dear?
Wa-shing-ton!
No! See the bunny.
See the bunny. See the bunny.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington
simply because... I ordered him to.
Presenting... My puppet!
♪♪
Now bow for the people.
Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
Hello?
I want to go to Washington.
No!
Now, you say that the right way.
Hello? I don't want to go to Washington.
That's a good boy.
Now dance!
Dance! Dance!
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
Dance! Dance!
Dance!
Dance!
♪♪
No time for dancing. Go to Washington.
♪♪
No.
He's going to Washington.
( SOBBING )
He swatted me!
Hit him!
Hard!
[CLANG]
Oh, show Mommy. Kiss the boo-boo?
Puppet!
Up!
Up!
Now dance! Dance!
( LAUGHING )
No, wait!
I'm not a puppet.
I'm a man!
RITCHIE: Daddy, you broke my arm!
No! No!
No, no bunnies!
No! No bunnies!
Bunnies! No bunnies!
Bunnies! No!
A puppet? You mean you'd feel like a puppet
if you went to see your son perform?
Honey, I don't have time to argue about it now.
I've got to get to the airport.
I don't know what's got into you, Rob,
but I have the distinct impression
that you're going back on a promise.
Maybe I am, but it's not as big as the promise you're going back on.
What promise is that?
Oh, don't you remember, dear?
Love, honor and obey?
Well, I'm asking you to honor my decision
to go to Washington.
I'm asking you to love me for not being intimidated
by a charming and forceful wife. Intimidated?!
And I'm asking you to obey my command,
and there be no further discussion about it.
Mommy, will you fix my ears, please?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for the airport.
No, I don't think I will excuse you.
We don't excuse you.
Aw, honey, I'm sorry, but I've got to go to the airport.
I'll call you.
Good-bye, son. Be a good bunny.
Bye, Daddy.
So that's why you're coming all apart at the seams?
You've got to admit I've got a right to.
Yeah, I guess so. But let me tell you something--
if I worried about all the school plays that I missed,
I'd really look my age.
( CHUCKLES )
Hey, how old do you think I am?
Oh, I couldn't even guess.
Take a guess. No.
Come on, it don't cost you nothin'. Take a wild guess.
I'll give you a hint.
I'm a lot older than I look.
Now, come on, how old do I look?
I don't know. Say, 49, 50?
I was 41 my last birthday.
Everybody takes me for 35.
What do you need, glasses or something?
Yeah. Something.
Say, how was that girl singer you went to see?
That's another thing. The whole trip was a waste of time.
She was no good, huh?
I wouldn't know. She had laryngitis.
They brought some male quartet in to substitute for her.
And they were rotten. The whole trip was unnecessary.
Ah, so what? Heh heh.
You don't have to tell your wife that.
I don't have to, but I'm going to.
What are you, some kind of sadist?
Why don't you do like I do?
Take a present, open the door and throw it in,
then hide out in the cellar for a couple of hours.
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
Oh, you're really asking for it, pal.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna make a speech.
I'm gonna make the speech I should've made
before I left.
I'm gonna tell her that a man is a man,
even if he is a husband.
And that at no time, as a man or as a husband,
should he ever be his wife's puppet.
I'm gonna tell her that I have to do what I think is right.
A man shouldn't sacrifice his self-respect
just to keep peace in the home.
All right, a woman's opinion should be weighed and considered.
But in the final analysis, a man has to do
what he thinks is right, or he is no man!
Good evening, Laura.
Good evening, Rob.
Laura...I'd like to speak with you.
Go ahead and speak.
I'd rather you were seated.
Please, I'd be more comfortable.
Are you more comfortable?
Laura...
You-- you're my wife.
Yes?
Yes. and I'm your husband.
I know. Good.
We're--we're husband and wife.
That sounds reasonable.
Laura, don't interrupt me.
Laura, there's no reason for your behavior.
There is every reason for my behavior. I'm angry.
Angry, yes. Because I wouldn't behave like a puppet.
Because I filled a responsibility to my employer.
For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry.
I realize you have to do what you think is right.
I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself
get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Well, what are you angry with me for?
I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me
for being angry with you.
Well, is there anything I can do
to patch up this little quarrel
you're having among yourself...
So I can get out of the doghouse?
Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
Not on the neck.
That's better.
Almost.
Oh, yes.
♪ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pizza ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a worthless check ♪
♪ A total wreck, a flop ♪ ♪ A flop
♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the top
♪♪
( HUMMING )
( WHISTLING ALONG TO TUNE )
♪ You're a Shakespeare sonnet ♪
♪ You're somebody's bonnet ♪
♪ You're Mickey Mouse
Boy, that Irving Berlin
sure knew how to write 'em, didn't he?
Uh, Cole Porter.
You sure it wasn't Berlin?
Porter.
I could've swore Irving wrote that.
Then who wrote White Christmas?
Irving Berlin.
Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha ha!
I always get those two songs mixed up.
It's a good thing I don't need an ear for music.
I'm in ladies' underwear.
Oh?
Is that all you're gonna say, is, "Oh?"
What else am I supposed to say?
Usually, when I give somebody a zinger
like "I'm in ladies' underwear",
any guy with any kind of sense of humor at all
could make a pretty good joke out of it.
You gotta have a sense of humor to stay in business today.
What do you do for a living?
I write jokes.
( LAUGHS )
You write jokes? Ha ha ha!
You could've fooled me.
I'm a television writer.
No kiddin'? Hey, I never met a writer before.
How are you? What show are you on?
The Alan Brady Show.
Oh, that's a great show.
The Alan Brady Show is a great show.
You see it often? Never watch it.
You just said-- My wife and kids watch it all the time.
Heh heh heh! They've got more time for T.V. than I have.
Here they are.
How's that? 12, 10, 8, 6,
4, 2 1/2...
And four months. Ha ha ha!
Not bad for a traveling salesman, huh?
Not bad? I'd say it was perfect.
So you're a joke writer, huh?
Well, you sure missed a great chance
when I said, "I'm in ladies' underwear."
Afraid I'm just not up to par today.
You mean Jack, of course, huh? Hmm?
You said, "I'm not up to par." I said, "Jack".
You get it? Jack Paar. It's kind of a play on words.
Oh, yeah. huh.
You know, this is nothing personal, you understand,
but you don't seem like a very funny man to me.
You're kind of the serious type.
I'm afraid I have a bit of a headache today.
You had a fight with the missus, right?
How'd you know that?
You've got that guilty look on you.
I have? Yeah.
Ain't it funny the way your wife can make you feel you're wrong,
when all the time, in your heart, you know you're right?
Say, you must know my wife.
No, but I know my own. They're all alike.
What did you do?
It's not what I did, it's what I didn't do.
What didn't you do?
Or is that stepping on personal territory?
Well-- Ah, come on. Talk about it.
Get it off your chest. It'll do you good.
Besides, I've read all the magazines.
( LAUGHS )
You know, by gosh, I'd like to talk about it.
Feel free. Well...
Maybe you can convince me that I'm not a liar
and a rotten husband and an irresponsible father.
Boy, whatever you didn't do,
I think you should've done it.
What was it exactly?
Maybe I'd better start from the beginning.
Take your time.
Yesterday, I didn't even know I had a problem.
I was trying to get my staff to do a little work for a change,
and Buddy-- One of the writers...
Hey, it's pretty near 4:00.
Why don't we knock off for a while?
The sketch is almost done,
and the kid'll be here with the coffee.
Hang on a minute. We may get a good idea
before he gets here.
Impossible, Rob. You know I can't work
when I can smell coffee coming.
Yeah, it's about two blocks away.
BUDDY: Hey, how about a little card trick?
Any card at all. It's a beauty.
I'm in no mood for magic. I want to get back to work.
Go ahead, we'll watch you.
Rob, why don't you do some exercise?
How about doing your pushups?
I did my pushups this morning. 20 of 'em.
20? You did-- Come on, nobody can do 20 pushups.
If he said he did, he did.
Let's not embarrass our chief.
You've seen me do them every morning
for two years now.
I never counted. You ever count, Sally?
I never watch him do pushups.
I can't stand to see the veins stick out on his temples.
I know what you guys are doing. You're just stalling.
All right, we're stalling.
But I still don't think you can do 20 pushups.
I'll make a deal with you. If I do 20 pushups,
will you two guys go back to work?
Okay. It's a deal.
This I gotta see.
How about some artificial respiration?
Well, there's none so far.
One. One.
Never. Two.
Oh, he's tired already.
Snacky service! Three coffees,
a prune yogurt and a danish. $1.15.
I got no money, Sally. How about you?
Never.
Rob, you got any loot?
Six. in my side pocket.
All righty. Seven.
How much did you say that was?
$1.15. $1.15.
Here's $2. He's a very big tipper.
ROB: Eight.
What's with him?
He claims he can do 20.
Oh, yeah? Hey, skinny!
$2 you don't make it.
13. you're on.
I'll hold the money. I'll hold the coffee.
( OVERLAPPING CHATTER )
Veins sticking out on his temples yet?
Like Charles Boyer.
His chest ain't touching the floor.
Then the floor is touching his chest. He's doin' it.
He's cheating. His elbows are bent.
18! He's got bent elbows!
19!
I wonder if--
Hi, Mel. What are you doing?
Paying for the pushups-- Uh, coffee!
One, two, three, four. Right!
$4 for coffee and danish pastry?
It's real danish. He flies it in from Denmark.
Rob, I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Not at all, Mel.
Speak for yourself, Rob. I can't even drink coffee
with Goldilocks around.
Curdles the cream.
Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Oh! Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace.
Mel, what can we do for you? Have your coffee.
There's a young girl singer making her debut
on a local Washington Station tomorrow,
and Alan would like you to go there and do some talent scouting.
Sure, I'd love to go. Ah, fine.
Hey, wait a minute. Tomorrow morning's bad for me.
How about the next day? I'm afraid not.
Every T.V. station in town
will be sending a scout down there,
and we don't want them to beat us to the punch.
How about letting Buddy go?
Yeah, how about letting Buddy go?
We want an opinion we can respect.
That does it. I quit!
Where's the resignation I dictated the other day?
I'll show this guy. All right. Here.
"I hereby tender my resignation
as writer on the Alan Brady Sh--"
Rob, he signed your name.
Sure, you think Rob is gonna work for a producer
who insults one of his staff?
Rob, what's the trouble? Why can't you go?
Well, it's a family problem, Mel.
My kid's gonna be in the school play tomorrow morning,
and I promised him I'd be there.
A kid's play? Is that all?
I want to be there.
Ritchie's gonna be the main bunny.
Main bunny?
Well, maybe it isn't important to you, but it's important to me.
Your sense of responsibility to your child is laudable,
but you also have a sense of responsibility
to Alan Brady and the show.
I promised Laura I'd go. I'm not trying to shirk--
Rob, I had a budget meeting the other night.
My wife tried to get me to take her dancing.
Now, I love to dance, and I love my wife,
but I realized I had a duty to Alan Brady and the show.
I told her so.
She tried every way imaginable to get me to take her dancing.
But I had to make her realize
that I was her husband, not a puppet.
She was not just going to pull strings
and make me dance.
Did I go dancing?
No. No, I stayed here
and had that budget meeting,
and Mrs. Cooley stayed home...alone.
You know, Mel... I'd like to cry.
I'd like to give him a rap right in the mouth.
Come on, will you settle down, please?
Mel, why couldn't I go tomorrow afternoon?
She goes on the air at 1:00.
And Al would be very upset if she made her debut on someone else's show.
Yeah, you're right. All right, tell him I'll go.
Ah, fine. And if you want Buddy to go,
we'll be glad to get another ticket.
One-way, of course.
Someday he's gonna get a big, fat lip
to go with that fat head of his.
Who's going to give it to me?
Sally.
( PLAYS NOTE ) ♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Mommy Lisa
No, honey, that's "Mona Lisa", not "Mommy Lisa".
Do it once more from the beginning.
Okay. ♪ You're the top
♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mona Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop ♪
♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the top
Hey, hey! Encore!
I need an encore.
Daddy, did you bring anything?
How about--let's see.
Um, half a stick of gum?
Yay!
Hi, honey. Hi.
Shouldn't you be laboring over a hot stove?
It's dinnertime. It was a toss-up
between broiling your lamb chops
or sewing Ritchie's bunny costume,
and your lamb chops lost.
Well, what won?
Beans and franks, okay?
Yay! My favorite.
Daddy, want to hear me sing "You're the Top?"
No, Daddy's gonna hear you sing it tomorrow.
He's going to be in the audience.
Well, it wouldn't hurt
to hear it now, just in case.
No, you'll hear it tomorrow.
Ritchie, go get ready for bed.
You be sure and brush your teeth.
Where should I put my gum?
I don't know. Where do you usually put your gum?
Here! Ritchie!
Okay, Mommy.
You run along now.
Okay!
How'd he get so cute?
Your mother says you were just like him when you were a little boy.
I'm surprised she said that. Why?
I think I'm cuter.
Give me a kiss.
Never kiss egomaniacs.
How about hungry husbands? Them I feed.
Need a hand?
Yeah, would you open this for me?
That bunny costume kept me pretty busy today.
Yeah. Boy, I sure would give anything
if I could see him in it.
Rob, are you trying to tell me something,
like you don't plan to be there tomorrow?
Well, honey, I was planning on being there, but--
Oh, rob, don't tell me you're gonna miss Ritchie's school play again.
Again? What do you mean, again?
I've never missed any of his plays.
Yes, you have. When?
I don't remember when, but you have.
Honey, I haven't missed any of his performances.
I was there on the Spring Pageant
when he played the sick butterfly.
I remember the one where he played the poisoned mushroom.
You didn't see him when he played the mean elm tree.
The mean-- Yes, I did too.
Remember how nervous we were when his bark kept peeling off?
You see? I've seen every one of his performances.
No, you haven't. You didn't see him when he played Hamlet.
Hamlet? Yeah, see? You missed his Hamlet.
When was that?
Last year at the kindergarten Shakespeare Festival.
No, honey, you told me I could miss that one.
You said all he did was come out there holding the skull.
Well, this time he's a bunny, the main bunny.
And I should think you'd want to be there.
Honey, I do want to be there,
but there's a girl singer in Washington
the boss wants me to hear.
Well, there's a boy singer
here in New Rochelle that I want you to hear.
Oh, honey, that's not even fair.
I've got a responsibility to my job.
Every big television variety show is sending a scout down there,
and I've got to go.
Well, all I can say is, if it doesn't bother you
that you're missing your son sing
for the first time in public,
then his little heart will be broken
when he finds out his own father wasn't even there.
Oh, honey, I'm sure a lot of fathers won't be there.
Rich won't even notice I'm missing.
You talkin' about me?
Yeah, about your show tomorrow.
I'm the main bunny! I know.
I'm the only bunny that sings. You bet you are.
I sing you're the top by Cole Porter.
Rich, are all your friends' daddies gonna be there tomorrow?
Uh-uh. Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
Tommy Vincent's daddy won't be there.
Because he's dead.
Rich...
Rich, run on up to bed,
and I'll tuck you in later. Okay.
♪ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pisa ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa... ♪
Well?
Alan? Rob Petrie.
Have you got a minute, Alan?
It's about the trip to Washington tomorrow, Alan.
No, it's just a problem here at home.
My kid has this thing.
No, he's not sick. It's his arm.
Well, we don't know. We're gonna have it x-rayed tomorrow.
It may be broken.
Or maybe it's just a sprain.
Rob, what are you doing?
What's it sound like I'm doing? I'm lying.
What'd you say, Alan? I couldn't hear you.
The, uh-- The kid was crying.
Well, that's awfully nice of you, Alan.
Yeah. I'm sure I can get down there the next day.
I just hope somebody doesn't sign her up tomorrow.
Thanks a lot, Alan. Bye.
Oh, boy.
Just to get out of a trip to Wash--
See what you made me do, honey?
I liked like a fool. I groveled in the dirt.
And I broke my son's arm.
What I made you do? Why didn't you just tell him the truth?
Because I just couldn't tell Alan Brady
that the reason I can't go to Washington
is because my son is the main bunny.
ROB: All that night, I tossed and turned.
I kept thinking about how I lied to my boss,
told him my son's arm was broken.
I was torn between wanting to see my son's play
and wanting to do my job.
I wanted to make Laura happy,
but I didn't want to be a puppet.
Oh, I had a dream that night.
Oh, it was a lulu.
I felt as if I were running in two directions
at the same time.
MEL: Washington, Washington.
Where are you going, dear?
Wa-shing-ton!
No! See the bunny.
See the bunny. See the bunny.
Ladies and gentlemen,
presenting a man who gave up a trip to Washington
simply because... I ordered him to.
Presenting... My puppet!
♪♪
Now bow for the people.
Now show how nicely you make a telephone call.
Hello?
I want to go to Washington.
No!
Now, you say that the right way.
Hello? I don't want to go to Washington.
That's a good boy.
Now dance!
Dance! Dance!
( INDISTINCT CHATTER )
Dance! Dance!
Dance!
Dance!
♪♪
No time for dancing. Go to Washington.
♪♪
No.
He's going to Washington.
( SOBBING )
He swatted me!
Hit him!
Hard!
[CLANG]
Oh, show Mommy. Kiss the boo-boo?
Puppet!
Up!
Up!
Now dance! Dance!
( LAUGHING )
No, wait!
I'm not a puppet.
I'm a man!
RITCHIE: Daddy, you broke my arm!
No! No!
No, no bunnies!
No! No bunnies!
Bunnies! No bunnies!
Bunnies! No!
A puppet? You mean you'd feel like a puppet
if you went to see your son perform?
Honey, I don't have time to argue about it now.
I've got to get to the airport.
I don't know what's got into you, Rob,
but I have the distinct impression
that you're going back on a promise.
Maybe I am, but it's not as big as the promise you're going back on.
What promise is that?
Oh, don't you remember, dear?
Love, honor and obey?
Well, I'm asking you to honor my decision
to go to Washington.
I'm asking you to love me for not being intimidated
by a charming and forceful wife. Intimidated?!
And I'm asking you to obey my command,
and there be no further discussion about it.
Mommy, will you fix my ears, please?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm late for the airport.
No, I don't think I will excuse you.
We don't excuse you.
Aw, honey, I'm sorry, but I've got to go to the airport.
I'll call you.
Good-bye, son. Be a good bunny.
Bye, Daddy.
So that's why you're coming all apart at the seams?
You've got to admit I've got a right to.
Yeah, I guess so. But let me tell you something--
if I worried about all the school plays that I missed,
I'd really look my age.
( CHUCKLES )
Hey, how old do you think I am?
Oh, I couldn't even guess.
Take a guess. No.
Come on, it don't cost you nothin'. Take a wild guess.
I'll give you a hint.
I'm a lot older than I look.
Now, come on, how old do I look?
I don't know. Say, 49, 50?
I was 41 my last birthday.
Everybody takes me for 35.
What do you need, glasses or something?
Yeah. Something.
Say, how was that girl singer you went to see?
That's another thing. The whole trip was a waste of time.
She was no good, huh?
I wouldn't know. She had laryngitis.
They brought some male quartet in to substitute for her.
And they were rotten. The whole trip was unnecessary.
Ah, so what? Heh heh.
You don't have to tell your wife that.
I don't have to, but I'm going to.
What are you, some kind of sadist?
Why don't you do like I do?
Take a present, open the door and throw it in,
then hide out in the cellar for a couple of hours.
I'm afraid I couldn't do that.
Oh, you're really asking for it, pal.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna make a speech.
I'm gonna make the speech I should've made
before I left.
I'm gonna tell her that a man is a man,
even if he is a husband.
And that at no time, as a man or as a husband,
should he ever be his wife's puppet.
I'm gonna tell her that I have to do what I think is right.
A man shouldn't sacrifice his self-respect
just to keep peace in the home.
All right, a woman's opinion should be weighed and considered.
But in the final analysis, a man has to do
what he thinks is right, or he is no man!
Good evening, Laura.
Good evening, Rob.
Laura...I'd like to speak with you.
Go ahead and speak.
I'd rather you were seated.
Please, I'd be more comfortable.
Are you more comfortable?
Laura...
You-- you're my wife.
Yes?
Yes. and I'm your husband.
I know. Good.
We're--we're husband and wife.
That sounds reasonable.
Laura, don't interrupt me.
Laura, there's no reason for your behavior.
There is every reason for my behavior. I'm angry.
Angry, yes. Because I wouldn't behave like a puppet.
Because I filled a responsibility to my employer.
For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry.
I realize you have to do what you think is right.
I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself
get pushed around by anyone, including me.
Well, what are you angry with me for?
I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with me
for being angry with you.
Well, is there anything I can do
to patch up this little quarrel
you're having among yourself...
So I can get out of the doghouse?
Did you ever think of trying a kiss?
Not on the neck.
That's better.
Almost.
Oh, yes.
♪ You're the top, you're the Tower of Pizza ♪
♪ You're the top, you're the Mommy Lisa ♪
♪ I'm a worthless check ♪
♪ A total wreck, a flop ♪ ♪ A flop
♪ But if, baby, I'm the bottom ♪
♪ You're the top
♪♪