The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 26 - I Am My Brother's Keeper - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Eighteen,

nineteen...

( PHONE RINGING )

twenty.

( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

twenty-one.

Hey, Sal, will you get that?

Yeah, sure.

Hello?



( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

Yeah, he's here. Just a minute.

It's for you, Buddy.

Thanks. Hello?

( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

Hello? Oh? It's for you, Rob.

( PHONE CONTINUES RINGING )

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Hello. LAURA: Hi, honey.

It is for me. Told you.

Am I interrupting anything?

Yeah, but what you're interrupting

is highly interruptible.

What is it, honey?



Well, a telegram just arrived for you.

All right, you have my permission

to open it and read it.

All righty...

Well, what do you know.

It's from your brother, Stacey.

He says, "Arriving New York tonight on two-week furlough.

Please secure hotel reservations for me.

Would love to stay with you,

but would be more comfortable in hotel.

Understand, Burford?"

Who's Burford?

Uh, that's me, honey.

It's a name he called me once in a while.

Ah, well, anyway.

"Dying to see Laura and meet my nephew.

Love, Stacey." Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, that's, that's uh, just great, honey.

Look, can you fix up a bunch of barbecued ribs tonight?

He loves ribs.

He? Who he?

Ribs it'll be.

Oh, and I'll get your junk out of the den.

Uh, honey, don't uh, bother about the den.

I'll get him a hotel room.

Him? Who's him?

And is him married?

Rob, I won't hear of it!

He's the one relative of ours I'm really dying to know better.

Honey, you gotta believe me. Don't fix up the den.

My brother will be much happier in a nice hotel room.

Your brother! Hey, I got an idea.

I'll marry him, and he can stay with me.

What did you say, honey?

I said, I'm fixing up the den

and I don't want to hear another word.

One more word don't fix up the den.

He'll stay in a hotel room.

And that's final

and I'll see you at the regular time.

Bye.

Burford...oh boy.

Honey, I spoke to him.

He said he'd rather stay in a hotel,

now it's all settled.

It's not settled, Rob. You're not going to win.

Look, will you believe Stacey if he says he prefers a hotel?

Why would he prefer a hotel?

Because he's shy and retiring.

He doesn't want to bother people.

Well, all right. We'll discuss it when you get back.

You better go. You'll be late.

No, honey. I've got an hour before it lands.

I'll be there 15 minutes early.

Well, while you're waiting,

don't go nibbling candy from those machines.

I've got 10 pounds of wild looking ribs

in that oven. Okay. You keep them wild.

Both Stace and I will tame them.

All right. Burford!

Ouch!

Is that a way to greet a brother?

Stace, what are you doing here?

I came to eat ribs, Burf.

Well, come on in, uh, Stace.

Hi there. Hi, Stacey.

Stace, your plane wasn't due for an hour yet.

Well, I took an earlier plane, Burf.

Well, wwwhy, why, why did you...

No, what difference does it make what plane he took?

The point is he's here, and we ought to be telling him

how happy we are to see him.

Yeah, so somebody kiss me anybody.

I remember from the wedding you're my sister-in-law,

so you can kiss me.

Aw, ha ha.

How are you, Laura?

Just fine, and welcome to New York, Stacey.

Well, Burf, what do you want to do

kiss, shake hands, hug, what, huh?

Let's do them all how about that?

Good to see you, Burf!

How are you, you old beanstalk?

Just fine, Stace. How are you?

Rob, what's the matter with you?

Nothing's the matter with me.

He's acting like he's not happy to see you, Stacey,

and he is.

Oh, I know my brother Burf.

He's acting that way because I'm acting this way.

Ba doo, boo. ( LAUGHING )

that didn't make any sense.

Well we, uh, we Petries do that a lot.

Righto, Burf.

Listen, Stace how come you always call Rob Burford?

Eh, he looks like a Burford, doesn't he?

Yes, come to think of it?

Oooh, smell them ribs! Hahaha.

Say, Stace did you, uh,

catch a nice nap on the plane?

Sure did, Burf.

I wanted to stay right on that plane and sleep.

( CHUCKLES ) Well, we're glad you woke up.

Who woke up I'm still asleep.

( LAUGHS )

Say, Stacey, would you like to lie down awhile?

Oh, yes. And speaking of lying down,

I want it understood right here and now

that you're staying with us. No hotel.

And I don't want to hear any arguments.

Who's gonna argue?

Then you will stay with us?

Where else? Hey, Burf, how are you?

Stacey, wouldn't you like to catch a nice nap

and freshen up a little bit?

Good, good.

I want to do all those things nap, freshen up,

and then lead me to them ribs!

Go on, Stace.

Did I kiss you hello?

Yes, you did. All right.

Did I shake hands with you? Yeah, you did.

Good. I like to remember those things.

( WHISTLING )

Honey, I'll be back in a minute.

I...I want to explain something.

Yes, I thought you might.

Honey, can you come in here a minute?

Have you got a minute?

Well, it's going to take you longer than that

to explain your abominable behavior towards your brother.

Honey, will you sit down just a minute?

Didn't it seem to you

that Stacey was acting a little strangely?

No, he was acting like a fellow

who was happy to see us.

He was spirited, joyful, and bubbly.

Right. Three things that Stacey ordinarily is not

unless...

Unless what?

Well, honey, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway.

I might just as well tell you.

My brother Stacey has a...problem.

A problem? Yeah.

He thought he had it licked, too,

but it looks like he hasn't.

Oh, Rob, no.

Your brother is a drunkard!

No, no, honey.

No, he's not a drunkard.

Uh, Stacey's a...a...

A what?

A somnambulist.

A somnambulist?

A sleepwalker?

The best in the world.

Well, I don't think I've ever seen a sleepwalker before.

Oh, yes, you just saw a big demonstration by one.

You mean that Stacey just now...

Sound asleep.

I don't believe it! How can you tell he's asleep?

Well, you noticed Stacey wasn't wearing his glasses

So?

He always wears his glasses when he's awake.

The only time he takes them off is when he's asleep

and you heard him call me Burford

Yeah.

Well, when he's that way, he calls everybody Burford.

Well, he seems so happy.

That's the big clue.

When he's awake, he's very shy, very retiring,

but when he's asleep, he's friendly, outgoing.

Are you asking me to believe that someone can be asleep

and walk around and talk?

You saw it with your own eyes.

I just can't believe it's true.

Well, it is.

I looked it up in the encyclopedia

and it lists all four kinds of somnambulism,

and Stacey is the fourth type, the rarest.

His is kind of akin to hypnotism.

It's under somnambulism.

I'm going to see this one myself.

Well, then just around.

Rob, what's he gonna do?

He's gonna play golf if I don't stop him.

Ahem, Stace... Say, where you going?

Oh, hi ya, Burford. How about a little golf?

We don't have the time now, Stace.

We're gonna have dinner.

Have I got...for... Just for nine holes?

No. Wouldn't you rather finish your nap

and freshen up and have dinner?

Good idea, Burf.

( WHISTLING )

Stace...uh, why don't you sleep in the bed?

Okay, uh, listen. Don't turn the water on.

Convinced? Almost.

What do you mean, almost?

You just saw a beautiful demonstration

of sleepwalking... And almost sleep golfing.

Oh, my.

Well, how will I be able to tell when he's awake?

When he's wide awake,

he's a totally different personality.

He's very shy and reserved and introverted.

Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, no. Come on in, Stace.

Hi, Rob. Hi.

Hi, Laura.

Hi, Stacey.

We, uh, we met, didn't...

Yes, we did.

Yeah, I...I remember.

Uh, Stacey, is your room all right?

Oh, yeah. It's just, it's just fine, Laura,

but I think, uh, it'd be better if I stayed in a hotel.

Stacey, sit down a minute, please.

Um, Rob told me everything.

He did? Uh huh.

Yes, and you're staying here with us.

Well, that's, that's very nice of you, but I, I...

Stace, when did the midnight strolls start again?

Well, it was about a week ago, and it's funny

because I haven't walked in my sleep since I was 14,

back in Danville. Remember, Rob?

Yeah, you mean when you got up and took the bus to Chicago?

Yeah.

You know we found him in a movie house,

watching the Laurel and Hardy festival.

Sat through it four times.

When they came in to clean up the theater,

there was Stace, slumped in a seat, sound asleep.

Well, I thought he was asleep.

Well, during the picture, I was awake/asleep.

When they found me, I was asleep/asleep.

I'm confused. I, I...

Yeah, so were the army doctors.

Just last week I got up in the middle of the night,

and I grabbed my banjo...

Your banjo?

Yeah, and I ended up strumming Reveille

over the loudspeaker at 3 A.M.

Boy, they didn't like that.

What do you think started it again?

Well, the army doctors think I'm a little disturbed

by the fact that I'm going to be discharged soon.

Well, don't you want to leave the army?

Oh, sure, sure I do.

You don't sound very sure.

No, I don't, do I?

No, I, I know I'm sure, though...I think.

Stace, have you been thinking about what you want to do

when you get out of the army?

Well, you know, Rob, I've always,

I've always liked comedy, and I've been thinking

well, that maybe I'd like to be a, a comedian.

A comedian?

Yeah. Around the barracks I, I, uh, cut up.

And uh, and uh, the fellas laugh at me a lot.

And I thought maybe that, uh, you could advise me.

About what?

About being a comedian.

Hm, well, uh, Stace,

I'd be happy to give you my opinion.

Uh, you want to show us what you do?

Uh, right now? Well, yeah.

Have you got your banjo with you?

Yeah, it, it's in my barracks bag there.

Well, good. Go get it.

Now? Rob: Sure, go ahead.

( CHUCKLES ) Okay.

Uh, it isn't much, though, I'll tell you.

Go on and get it.

All right. huh.

You get a little out of tune in the barracks bag.

I'll probably have to...

Aw, you really sure you want to hear me play?

Of course we are! Sure we do!

Well, I don't know.

( CHUCKLES )

I'll tell you I'm a little nervous.

Why be nervous we're your relatives.

Yeah, but you're civilians.

I never, I never played for anybody but soldiers before.

Well, why don't you think of me

as a former soldier.

Okay, I'll try.

( STRUMS BANJO )

♪ Wwwwell, well, well ♪

♪ Well, well, well ♪

That's a very funny opening for the act.

I haven't started yet, Rob.

You see, my banjo's a little out of tune.

It's...it had been in my barracks bag.

Okay.

( STRUMING BANJO )

♪ Well

♪ Hello hello sunshine

♪ Hello helloooo sunshine goodbye rain ♪

♪ Guide my baby

Is it all right if I sing really bad?

Go ahead.

Okay, yeah, but this is where I tell the jokes.

Oh, go ahead and tell a joke then.

( STRUMMING BANJO ) ♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm,

Doo, doo, hmm, doo.

Uh, this is a, this is a story about a fella that hmm

( STRUMMING BANJO ) hmm,

this a, a fella goes into a,

he goes up to this uh, guy on the street, hmm

( STRUMMING BANJO )

and he says can you give me fif

uh, teen cen fifteen cents for a sandwich?

And the guy said, uhhm

( STRUMMING BANJO )

and he says, "I'll give you" sure

he says, "I'll give you 15 cents for a sandwich, but uh, hmm

( STRUMMING BANJO )

I'll get the uh, that's no good.

I'll tell it.

Oh, this is a good one. I just heard this.

Hmm, duh, this uh, this is a guy, he takes a pair--

I play the music right through the--

while I'm telling the jokes.

I keep it going.

( HUMMING ) Hmm,

this guy goes into a, a, psychiatrist's office,

and, and, and he says, uh,

and he's the guy's all orange

and, and purple all over, and he goes and, hmm

a psychia-- and he says, and,

and he's got a pelican on his head

uh, I'm not doing very well, am I?

Well, no, Stace, I, uh, wouldn't say that.

It's, it's just that, uh--

it's just that I'm no good.

Well, no. I, I think, uh, ahem, that uh,

you need a little extra polish

and a little experience, but, uh, all newcomers need that.

You don't think I'm ready to audition for anybody yet,

do you, Rob?

Ahem, well, uh, let me say this

uh, I do think you need that,

that little uh, extra bit of polish.

Yeah. I guess so.

Hey, it's getting late.

Boy, we better attack those ribs

before the gang gets here.

What gang?

Oh, I invited a few of the neighbors

and some of the guys from the office over.

I thought you might like to meet them.

Oh, gee. I'm a little tired, Rob.

Will I have time to grab a nap first?

But, Stacey, you just had a nap.

I, I get more rest when I'm awake

than those kind of naps.

Hey, I better, I better go get dressed.

Uh, I, I won't, I won't be long.

Okay, Stace.

Get a little more polish.

That's what I need if it get some polish

and smooth this out a little bit...

( APPLAUSE )

What are you thinking, Rob?

I'm trying to think of some other business

my brother can go into.

He's not very funny.

He was funnier asleep.

Not much demand for a sleeping comedian.

Let's go baste the ribs.

( BANJO MUSIC )

STACEY: Hmm, banjo.

And the pelican goes, ahuhm.

( BANJO MUSIC )

SALLY: Hey, Rob .

I've been here for 37 minutes,

and I still haven't met the guest of honor.

I don't think you have a brother

what do you think of that? Sal, I told you,

he's just knocked off from his trip

he's catching a few winks.

Well, he's missing a few winks.

Come on, get him up I want to flirt a little.

( CHUCKLES ) Now just calm down.

I told you he's already engaged, and he's very shy.

Shyer than you?

Oh, yeah.

Well, how did he get engaged?

She asked him!

Listen, darling,

don't you think you ought to wake Stacey up now?

After all, the party is in his honor.

Yeah, good idea.

( BANJO MUSIC ) ♪ Hello sunshine...

Party!

Oh, hello there. How about a little twist?

Come on shut her motor off.

Oh, who's this?

I'm Mel Cooley.

He's, he's the producer of The Alan Brady Show.

Mel, this is my brother, Stacey Petrie.

How do you do, Mel? Love your show.

Well, thank you, thank you.

If I ever need a producer, you're my man.

How much you make a week?

How much do I make a week?

I'll tell you, I'll give you twice that,

throw in a trip to Europe, and a new pair of pants

what do you say to that?

Well, Mr. Petrie, you're, you're very generous.

Yeah, I'm also sound asleep.

Yep, he's Rob's brother, all right.

Oh, who's the nice blonde lady?

So, this is your shy brother, huh?

Well, Sal, he doesn't, he doesn't do this all the time

he's just putting it on... Because--

oh, that's because he doesn't want anyone to know

how shy he is.

Oh, I'm shy, all right.

My whole body's shy. Only my mouth is outspoken.

( LAUGHTER )

Uh, this is, this is Sally Rogers.

He's very tired from his trip, Sal.

Don't you want to lie down awhile, Stace?

Sure, but first I want to kiss her hand.

Well, after your nap. Well, now, Rob.

How long could it take to kiss a lady's hand?

Go ahead, kid, live.

Oh, look at this. Five fingers,

one for each fingernail.

Okay, Stace, nappy time.

Okay, but first I have a request.

Well, after your nap Rob, what's with this napping?

He looks like he could use a nice run around the block.

( CHUCKLES ) Yes, that's how we Petries act

when we're overtired.

Okay, let's go, Stace.

Oh, who's this fine looking man right here?

Fine looking?

Must be something wrong with his eyesight.

Guess it's the army food, Rob not enough carrots.

( LAUGHS ) Haha. Don't tell me

it's Buddy Sorrell, the human joke machine.

Tada! How do you do, buddy?

Hi ya. The subject is birds.

Birds, birds you know why a hummingbird hums?

No, what?

'cause he don't know the words.

I like it!

I want to meet more people like him.

Where's the lady with the hand?

Oh, try this one hahaha.

Say, Stacey, don't you want to go to your room?

Good idea, Burf!

Okay, everybody to my room!

( LAUGHTER )

We'll have a little entertainment.

No, we're not...

( APPLAUSE )

♪ Yeah hello sunshine goodbye rain... ♪

In my room. Let's go!

( LAUGHTER )

who stole my bed?

Heh, folks, I'd like to present to you

my little brother, Stacey Petrie.

( APPLAUSE )

Good evening, folks.

Aw... What's the matter?

I forgot my banjo pick.

Everybody talk to each other. You get on the stool, Burf.

I'll be right back, okay?

The stool for you.

He's going to entertain.

I don't know, I've never seen his act.

Rob, what are you going to do?

Honey, I tried to wake him up.

He's not going to wake up until he's ready.

I even pinched him.

You know what he said to me?

He said, "Please let me perform.

I know I could be funny." Honey, he begged me.

But darling, is it a good idea to let him perform

in front of all these people asleep?

How should I know, honey?

Maybe if he would be successful tonight,

he'll get the confidence to perform

when he's wide awake.

Okay, folks, here I am.

( APPLAUSE )

Okay, everybody over here, up to the stage.

Come on over to the stage.

Gather 'round, make a circle.

It's showtime!

Hahaha.

Okay, folks. Get around there,

and I'll tune up a little bit.

( BANJO STRUMMING ) Gotta get it

let me have an 'r', Burf.

That's good.

I only said that for a joke there ain't no "r".

Is there?

( LAUGHTER )

All right, folks, what would you like to hear?

How about, uh, how about Stardust?

Oh, that's a good I don't know that.

You know any Italian numbers?

Oh, I know that. How about Napoli 486182?

SALLY: He's very shy, isn't he?

Listen, why don't you do one of your favorites?

I don't have any favorites. I hate banjo music.

What do you want to hear, Mr. Burford?

How, how about something classical?

Good enough something classical.

How about the uh, Hungarian Rhapsody by Goulash?

Oh, goulash is a stew.

Oh, I don't care how much he drinks.

He writes good music.

Okay, something classical for Mr. Burford.

( BANJO STRUMMING )

♪ Hello sunshine goodbye rain

♪ Got my baby back

Hear it, Burf?

Aw, I'll tone it down a little bit.

I don't want to drown out my voice.

I sing pretty good.

There we go.

That ought to be better... ( BANJO STRUMMING )

♪ Well hello sunshine goodbye rain ♪

♪ Got my baby back again

Everybody clap.

( CLAPPING )

( STRUMMING BANJO )

That's good.

Thank you for the applause.

And now for my encore...

( laughing )

I'm killing 'em, ain't I, Burf?

♪ Hello roses hello June hello ♪

Or as General Custer said, he said,

"I don't know what's the matter with them Indians.

They were all right at the dance last night."

( LAUGHTER )

♪ Hello roses hello dew

♪ Hello blue

The fella that crossed a parrot with a tiger to match that

what did you get?

He said, "I don't know, but when he talks,

you better listen."

A fella walks into a psychiatrist's office,

and he's all orange and blue and purple and green all over,

and he's got a pelican on his head,

and the pelican has a fish in his mouth

and he walked up to the psychiatrist,

and the pelican says, "Say, can you tell me

how I can get this guy out from under my feet?"

It's alright, Burf. It's part of the act.

It's a wonder I didn't wake up, huh?

Big Benny's.

♪ Hello hello sunshine

♪ Goodbye rain

( APPLAUSE )

MEL: Young man, you were just great,

and I want you to audition--

Oh, oh I think he's fainted.

Well, uh, no, he's, he's just as asleep, Mel.

Well, how could he be asleep so fast?

Well, he does that. He's a very fast sleeper.

He had a hard day today.

Yeah, well, wake him up I want to talk to him.

No, don't, don't wake him up.

Uh, you don't wake up a soldier on furlough, hehheh.

Well, when he wakes up, you tell him that I...

Shh! Shh!

Oh.

( WHISPERING ) When he wakes up,

you tell him that I'd like him

to audition for The Alan Brady Show.

( WHISPERING ) Yeah, I'll tell him when he wakes up.

Yeah.

( WHISPERING ) Hey, Rob.

Is the party over? ( WHISPERING ) Yes.

( WHISPERING ) I thought so.

( WHISPERING ) Rob, will you tell Stacey

he was just great? Just wonderful!

Fine, I'll tell him ( INDISTINCT ).

( WHISPERING ) and I'll see you tomorrow.

( WHISPERING ) Laura, it was a wonderful party.

MEL: We had a marvelous evening.

Shh! Shh!

Honestly, Stace, you gotta believe me.

You were absolutely great.

Look, have I ever lied to you?

Yeah. I mean, since we're adults.

STACEY: Oh, no. Well, I just want to tell you,

you, you're responsible for one of the nicest evenings

we ever had in this house. Right, honey?

Right.

Yeah, I just can't believe I was that funny.

Well, you were. You should have been here!

Well, you know what I mean.

Uh, Buddy and Sally are no pushovers.

They were on the floor.

Yeah, and Mel Cooley

certainly wouldn't have asked you to audition

for The Alan Brady Show if you weren't good.

Yeah, but I, I was asleep.

I just don't I don't think

I could be that funny awake.

I know you can.

Look, Stace, there's a funny man somewhere

asleep inside of you.

You gotta try and help him get out

where he can be seen.

Now I'm going to set up that audition,

and you're gonna be great.

Aw, you can set up the audition, but I don't know

how you're gonna arrange for me to be great.

Well, sometime between now and next week,

we're gonna figure out a way for you to be great awake.

Look, start playing that banjo.

Okay.

( BANJO STRUMMING )

( CLEARS THROAT )

♪ Wewellll...

♪ Well, well, well.

Hm, hm, this a, this

a, psychiatrist walks in this pelican's office...

♪ And, hello sun

♪ Hello sunshine good goodbye rain ♪

♪ I got...

I don't think next week's gonna be soon enough.

I hope you'll be with us

next week when my brother

wrestles with the problem

of auditioning for a

television show while he's

wide awake.

Well, well, well, well...

I'll see you next week.

♪