The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 25 - Where You Been, Fassbinder? - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( MUSIC PLAYING )

BUDDY: Oh, okay, slugger, that's it.

Oh, oh. That's enough, now.

Fight's over. You-you win.

Uh, I'll tickle you. Aha-ha.

I don't know what it is about buddy and children.

Must be my head-- they like to hit it.

Oh, that's it.

Come on, now, Rich. Lay off uncle Buddy.

RITCHIE: He likes it.



BUDDY: Yeah, I did for about 20 minutes.

Boy, a guy can get a cauliflower head here.

The minute they know it's bedtime,

they start getting winsome.

Okay, Rich. Say good night to everybody.

Are they going?

No, they aren't. You are.

Uh, give Aunt Sally a big hug.

Come on, now. No hitting in the clinches.

A nice big hug.

Uh-uh.

Why not?

I'm too old!

You're too old!



It's the first time I've ever lost out on that count.

I'm six. How old are you?

Uh, Richie, dear,

we don't ask ladies how old they are.

Why not?

They won't tell you.

Can ladies tell their birthday?

Well, that they tell-- mine's next friday,

and I need a new shawl for my piano.

Which birthday will it be?

Well, uh, Rich, ahem, come one, let's go now.

You say good night to aunt Pickles and uncle Buddy.

Are they married?

Yeah, I certainly hope so.

Where's your husband?

Mine? I haven't got one.

Why don't you get one?

Say good night, Richie.

You know something? You should get married.

Everybody's after me to get married.

What's so bad about being single?

Richie's single, and he's happy, isn't he?

Well, I know, but that's different.

He's just a little boy. Now, if he...

Honey, eat something. Okay.

What I meant was it's not like your case.

Case?

Look, Pickles, being single is not a disease.

Still, don't you hate being alone on your birthday?

Oh, but Sally doesn't have to be alone on her birthday.

She can spend it with us.

Oh, well thanks, Laura, but I won't be alone.

I'll probably have a date.

But if I don't, there's always a lot of things

I can do around the house on my birthday.

Like what?

Well, like washing, ironing, cleaning, crying...

Crying?

My mother always calls me up on my birthday,

and she says, "Hello, Miss Rogers,

my single daughter with no prospects."

And we cry-- oh boy, do we cry!

BUDDY: Laura, it was a wonderful evening,

and let me tell you,

the dinner was the ever-loving end.

Oh, I'm glad you liked it. Why don't you show pickles

how to make some of those dishes?

I'd love to!

Oh, I would like to watch how you mash your potatoes.

They're so smooth-- no lumps, no skin.

It's really very simple, pickles.

Just peel 'em and mash 'em.

Oh, you peel 'em before you mash 'em.

Of course.

You're also supposed to cook 'em before you mash them.

Oh, just because your mother made them that way,

you think that's the only way.

Thanks, Laura.

Thanks again for the meal.

It gives me courage to go home

and face another week of my wife's cooking.

Good night, Rob. Good night, Buddy.

Good night, Buddy.

Oh, wonderful evening.

Well, you two sure make a good case for marriage.

Oh, well, with this one, it's easy.

BUDDY: Come on, Sal, we're waiting .

All right, all right.

There's always a chance of getting one of those.

That kind of a husband is just a status symbol.

Good night.

Good night, now. See you in the morning.

( YAWNING ) Oh, oh.

Oh, it must be horrible

having no one to go home to.

Aw, it's not so bad if you prefer it.

Nobody prefers it.

Well, I don't know.

I think Sal made living alone sound pretty good.

Care to try it?

Oh, I might.

You're free.

Good-bye, kid.

I'll give you a ring sometime.

I'll wait for your call.

And if the line's busy, you could...Rob?

LAURA: Rob, the joke's over.

All right.

Where you been, honey? ( SCREAM )

How did you do that so fast?

I climbed in the bathroom window.

Well, did you enjoy your trip alone?

Oh, not really, but it wasn't as horrible

as you said it would be.

Well, all I know is

I'd hate to have to go home alone like Sally

to a big, empty apartment

and spend my birthday washing, ironing and crying.

Oh, honey.

Sally was just kidding-- she's not a crier.

You know, you men don't seem to realize

that when a woman reaches a certain age

and is unmarried,

every birthday becomes a milestone,

and every milestone is a millstone.

Oh, I have a feeling Sally isn't going to wait

'til friday to do her crying.

I think she's going to do it tonight,

and we're responsible.

We are? What did we do?

We went and had a baby

that grew up to be a six-year-old big mouth.

It was Richie who brought up her age

and un-marital status, you know.

Honey, w-what made you think she was so upset by it?

Because I'm a woman.

What?

You're-- you're a woman?!

My God, my father married one of those!

You're a woman.

Come here.

You mean, there were real tears in her eyes?

Sal, yeah.

Coughing and sniffling

and blowing her nose all the way home.

I'm telling you, Rob, it was like watching a man cry.

Buddy, did she know you knew she was crying?

Ah, she said something about catching a cold

or having cigarette smoke getting in her eyes.

Well, maybe that was it.

Nobody was smoking.

You know something-- last night Laura called it.

She said she'd be upset with all that talk

about her being single

and all by herself on her birthday.

Well look, we can see to it

that she's not alone on her birthday.

We can sit up with her and see it through.

Sit up with her--

you make it sound like she's got the flu.

Well, how about a birthday party for Sally.

You know, we'll yuk it up

with a lot of phony presents and stuff like that,

and she'll forget the whole thing.

That's a good idea,

only we don't mention the birthday angle.

We just say it's a party, we're having a few friends in.

Right, right.

SALLY: I'll see you later, Frank.

Better pretend we're working. Yeah.

Hi fell-- oops, sorry.

I didn't realize you were working.

Oh, Sal.

Say, uh, by the way... By the way?

Whatever happened to hello? Oh, hello.

Hello. Now what-- by the way?

Well, I just wondered

if you were doing anything on Friday night.

Friday night? Well, I usually bathe my cat.

Why?

We're gonna have a few friends in for dinner.

Yeah, why don't you let your cat go dirty this week?

I just had dinner at your house.

Oh, I thought maybe if you're gonna be alone or something.

So I'll be alone.

Look, fellas, stop worrying about me.

I'm alone because I like it this way.

I do, really I do.

I've got all the advantages of marriage.

I've got a tea kettle that whistles,

a parrot that talks too much,

and a cat that stays out all night.

Who needs a husband?

Come on, Sal.

Don't you want to go out on your birthday?

Look, Rob, if I want to go out,

I've always got Mr. Diefenphaler

who takes me anyplace I want to go.

Diefenphaler? What is that, an eye test?

No, that's my pet name for all my fellas.

ROB: Oh, well, just in case

one of your diefenphalers doesn't call...

Oh, one will call, Rob,

and the first one that does gets a date.

Oh, and the other 93 win.

Come on, let's go to work.

All right.

I-I think that right after the opening band number,

this guy comes out and he says...

Good morning.

It was 'til you got here.

Rob, I don't like coming here and having insults thrown at me.

Stay home. I'll phone 'em over to you.

Look, I'm getting fed up.

Pretty obvious, fatso!

What time does the balloon go up?

Buddy, please.

Rob, alan would like the comedy bits

demonstrated by you and your...trained ape.

Trained ape? Look, Curly,

anytime a trained ape says that he's got--

uh, uh, boy, do I owe you an insult.

We'll be right back, Sal.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

I'll make a couple of calls and bring happiness

to a couple of bachelors.

Oh, Sally, that reminds me.

There was a fellow here earlier looking for you.

Well, you didn't let him get away, did you?

Well, you weren't here.

Well, what's his name?

Why, I didn't catch it.

Well, did he leave a number?

No, but he said you probably wouldn't know him.

Well, did he leave a note?

No.

A fingerprint?

A laundry mark?

A shaving lotion smell-- something!

Nothing, I'm sorry, Sally.

Aw, that's all right, Mel. I'm only kidding.

I'm not that desperate yet.

But listen, if he comes back, tie him to a chair.

Sure.

I gotta get a date for Friday.

Come on, Diefenphaler.

Bills...

Irving.

Maybe he'll be back.

( CAT MEOWS ) Oh, hi, Henderson.

You're late.

Oh, all right.

Well, there's 150 calories I can do without.

Hello, Fred?

Sal.

Uh, say did you stop by my office today?

No?

Well, must have been some other handsome fella.

Look, Fred, I've got a brand new recipe

I'm dying to try out on some courageous friend.

Um, how about Friday?

No, Saturday's too late.

You sure you can't make it Friday?

Well, if going bowling is more exciting

than home-baked lasagne...

Nah, I understand.

Yeah, maybe next week.

Good-bye, Fred.

I hope he bowls a 20.

Oh, did you finish it all up?

That's a good cat.

( CAT MEOWS )

Ah, uh, you, too, huh? All right.

He's coming, Penelope.

Come back for breakfast. I bought lox.

( PHONE RINGS )

Oops, maybe he dropped the bowling bowl on his foot.

Hello.

All right, Buddy, what's the gag?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I thought it was somebody else.

Who?

Leo Fasbinder?

From Herbert Hoover High?

Well, what do you know?

Say, how many years has it been?

Oh, that many, huh?

Couldn't be.

Oh, well, I did graduate high school

when I was nine, you know.

Say, Leo, did you stop by my office today?

Oh, it was you then.

Well, I-I-am very busy, but uh, why don't you drop by friday?

Yeah, around 8:30.

We can chat awhile.

Yeah, good.

All right, see you then. Bye.

Well, I'll be.

Sally Fasbinder.

Nah, I won't be that!

Rob, are you sure Sally isn't going to just walk in here?

Nah, I sent her home early, honey.

She didn't suspect anything.

We'll just give her a little while

and then we'll go over to her place.

BUDDY: Hey, Laura, see if you think Sally will like that.

Oh, what is it, Buddy?

Go ahead, open it.

( SCREAM ) She'll love it.

It's the perfect gift, Buddy. You're all sentiment.

Yeah, Sally'll get some more of these.

Boy, Sally will flip over them.

She loves all these kinds of gag presents.

I'll go file this away under "fun".

That's like putting away an octopus.

Rob, are you sure we're doing the right thing?

After all, Sally said

she might have a date this evening.

Honey, the only reason she said that

was so we wouldn't feel

we had to make a fuss over her birthday.

Oh, we gotta go.

Look, pickles fixed a cake and everything.

The second since I'm married.

Ooh, this one's a little slanty.

Oh, I guess that's because our building's on a hill.

Don't worry, darling.

When we eat it, we'll all lean this way.

What are you gonna give her, Laura?

Well, I got her some perfume.

Perfume? For Sally?

ROB: What's the matter with that?

Well, nothing except that it'll make my snakes look cheap.

You know, I've been thinking, Laura--

maybe you're right.

Is it a good idea to surprise somebody

that just may not want to be surprised?

Oh, Sal will love it.

Yes, but Buddy, if she has a guest...

Well, we'll just drop the snakes and the cake,

and we'll go.

She may not even be there.

Maybe she's already gone out.

Well, why don't you give her a call?

That's a good idea.

Honey, will you do it?

You, you've got more tact.

All right.

Hey, hey, only don't give it away.

You know, kind of just keep her nailed down

until we get there.

What am I gonna say?

Well, find out if she's really got a date.

Boy, it's getting late.

Mel said he'd meet us

as soon as he got out of the barber shop.

Baldy in a barber shop?

What's he doing, reminiscing?

Hello.

LAURA: Hello, Sally? This is laura.

Oh, hi, Laura.

( WIPES NOSE ) Excuse me.

I think she's crying. Sally, what's the matter?

Oh, I just think I'm getting a cold?

What's doing?

Oh, well, I just called to find out how you are

and uh, if you're doing anything this evening.

Am I?

Oh, you won't believe it!

I'm as nervous as a girl!

I'm waiting to see a man

I haven't seen since high school, Leo Fasbinder.

Excuse me, Laura.

She has a date with a Leo Fasbinder.

Know him?

Fasbinder? No.

It must be some guy she made up.

She's lying.

Leo Fasbinder?

Well, he sounds wonderful.

Oh, he's big and he's handsome

and he was all-American, three years in a row.

Lies, I tell you. She's lying.

He sounds great.

I'm having one of those intimate little suppers,

you know, the kind cary grant had in all his old pictures.

Well, listen, Laura, thanks for thinking of me,

but I-I gotta hang up.

I-I think Fasbinder will be here soon.

Bye.

Fasbinder. How do you like that.

Sally can't even lie without making up a gag.

Well, I don't know Sally as well as you two.

Is she lying?

I don't know,

except Fasbinder is just exactly the kind of name

that Sally would invent.

Yeah, like Diefenphaler.

Diefenphaler? Who's he?

Oh, Diefenphaler, Fasbinder, McGinzentroid.

She likes to make up names

for all her make-believe boyfriends.

Well, there's no Fasbinder, so come on, let's go.

( DOOR BUZZER )

Be right there.

You go get your own date.

Sally Rogers.

Leo Fasbinder.

Come on in.

Ah, thank you.

Well, it's been a long time.

Leo Fasbinder. Yes.

Gee, it's good to see you again.

( PHONE RINGS )

Oh, excuse me. Sure.

Won't you come in. Thanks.

Sit down. All right.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Freddie.

Oh, you decided not to go bowling.

Well, I'm very sorry. You're too late.

Well, I'm having a very special tete-a-tete dinner tonight.

It's none of your business, but if you must know,

it's with a Mr. Diefenphaler.

Yeah, well, try me again, Fred.

Maybe next week.

Right, bye.

Oh, Sally, I hope I'm not intruding.

I see you're expecting to entertain.

Oh, I certainly am.

Tell me, Leo, how did you happen to find me?

Well, I was transferred to this area,

and I happened to find your name on my list.

Now, it's a small world, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

List? Yeah.

What list?

Oh, of course, I'd seen your name

on the television screen many times,

and Sally, I've always admired your work as an author,

but, but to get to the point,

I was surprised to see your name on my company's list.

Your company's list?

Is that what made you call me?

Well, I had intended to...

Sally, I see by our records

that you only carry a floater policy with us.

Now... Floater policy?

LEO: yeah.

Are you talking to me about insurance?

Oh, uh, not insurance exactly.

Then what, exactly?

Uh, an annuity for my old age, maybe?

W-well, it's, it's not a bad idea!

It's a terrible idea!

Listen, tonight of all nights,

the last thing I want to think about is my old age.

Well...

Good night, Mr. Fasbinder.

Sorry, Sally.

Looks like I picked on the wrong night.

( SLAMS DOOR )

Oh boy, did he pick the wrong night.

( DOORBELL BUZZES )

I am your fairy godfather come to grant your fondest wish.

Rob! Surprise!

ALL: Surprise!

Happy birthday! There's gonna be a party.

There she is, the birthday girl!

Ta-da!

We brought you some presents.

Presents?

L-l-look at me, I'm all a blubber.

Excuse me.

Rob, she is expecting someone.

Yeah, or was and has been stood up.

How do you know that?

Sally's not the type to cry when you give her a present.

Oh, she usually kids about it,

asks you how much you paid for it.

Yeah, or why didn't you spend more?

She was crying before we got here.

Her eyes were all red.

Oh, poor kid.

Then it's a good thing we came.

Now look, when she comes out, let's all yuck it up.

You know, ha-ha-ha-ha.

There she is. Sorry.

I always cry when I think I'm getting a cold.

Well, listen, before you come down with pneumonia,

here's the plan. Uh, first of all,

the champagne and presents are for later.

We've got dinner reservations.

You get your mink coat, and away we go!

Yeah. Eat, drink, and get your mink.

Come on, eat, drink, and get your mink!

Eat, drink, and get your... Thanks, everybody...

But I-I can't leave.

You see, I-I told Laura on the phone

I-I was expecting someone... For supper--

uh, this old flame of mine from high school.

He should be here any minute,

and uh, I-I'd like to be alone with him to reminisce.

( GIGGLES )

You guys understand, huh?

ROB: Well, sure we do, Sal.

We weren't planning to stay anyway, Sally.

I knew about Mister... Fasbinder.

Yeah, he should be along any minute.

Well, we better go, gang. We have reservations.

Yeah. Come on, let's go.

Hey, happy birthday, Sal.

Have a ball, Sal.

Hey, Sal. By the way, don't eat the birthday cake--

it's just a candleholder.

Happy birthday, Sal.

Yeah, happy birthday.

( CAT MEOWS )

What's the matter? Couldn't you get a date either?

Oh, Henderson.

We only live through this once.

You, you poor cat, you have to go through it nine times.

( DOOR BUZZES )

Oh fellas, come on.

What do you want?

Sally, can I speak to you a moment, please?

Well, maybe I didn't make myself clear.

Now, it's not about insurance.

Well, about what then?

Herbert Hoover High?

Rah, rah, rah.

Sally, I don't think either one of us

made ourselves very clear before.

Can I at least explain?

Well, close the door.

My neighbors get enough news.

Look, Sally. I walked around the block before

to think things over, and I ran into your friends.

They asked if I was Mr. Fasbinder.

I said yes,

and they said you were expecting me for dinner.

I told them no,

that you were expecting a Mr. Diefenphaler.

Oh, my...Diefenphaler. You heard me tell Freddie

on the phone I was having... That's right.

Well, he's just a figment of my warped imagination.

Oh, I'm sorry, Leo.

Come on in.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, wait a minute.

What was all that talk about insurance?

You always talk about insurance

when you get invited to someone's house?

Well, I do, and I'm embarrassed

and I don't know why I was invited.

You didn't know why you were invited?

Didn't I tell you to come for dinner?

Didn't I...didn't tell him to come for dinner.

See Ma, that's one of the reasons.

I'm certainly glad we got that all straightened out.

( CHUCKELS ) So am I.

Oh, little Sally Rogers.

You know, in all these years, you haven't changed a bit!

Well, neither have you.

( CHUCKLES ) Well, what else should we lie about?

You know, as a matter of fact,

I almost didn't look you up at all.

Well, for heaven's sake, why?

I was on your company's list.

Well, I thought naturally by this time,

you must be married or something

Heh, heh, no, I'm not married and nothing.

I-I hope you haven't had your dinner.

Oh, I'm starving! Oh, great.

Do you like boiled octopus?

No.

Good, because we've got baked lasagne.

And in the meantime,

why don't you start on some of these peanuts.

I'd love to. ( SCREAMS )

oh, the same old Sally.

( CHUCKLES )

Same old buddy.

Honey, I'm going to see her in an hour.

She'll tell me about her whole evening with Fasbinder.

I have to know now.

Hello, Sally? Laura.

Well?

Well, just let me tell you,

it was one of the best birthdays I've had in years.

Leo's a wonderful guy.

It's the best birthday she's had in years.

He's a wonderful guy.

Lies, lies.

When is he coming back?

Well, I'm not sure, but I know he'll be back.

She knows he'll be back. Lies, lies, lies.

How do you know he'll be back?

Well, I was terribly charming

and I told him I was interested in more insurance,

and uh, I stole his watch.

( MUSIC PLAYING )