The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 24 - One Angry Man - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show."

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Well, we better start working as soon as we finish breakfast.

This is gonna be some tough show to write this week.

Yeah, but it's a nice change

working at your house instead of the office.

Look, darling, I forgot to give you this letter.

It looks important.

It's marked "official business" from the federal building.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Aren't you gonna open it?



No.

I don't want to be nosey, but how can you just sit there

and not open the letter?

Anything marked "federal building"

is bound to be bad news.

Now why should I open it and spoil my whole breakfast?

Rob, how can you eat with that letter

practically begging to be opened?

That's his privilege.

He don't ever have to open it-- he can burn it if he wants to.

Rob, I think it makes good sense

not to spoil your appetite with some bad news.

Thank you, Buddy.

All right.



ALL: Will you please open the letter!

I believe I'll have some more lox.

Rob, I can't stand it.

Honey, if you want to open this letter,

you go right ahead and open it, but don't tell me what's in it.

Open it, open it.

All right, what's it say?

Wait 'til you finish your breakfast, dear.

I'm finished with my breakfast.

Give me the letter.

Jury duty.

Hey, I've been called to go on jury duty.

Darling, will you have time to serve on a jury?

Oh boy, I don't know.

We've got an impossibly tough script to write this week,

and I think I'll take time.

Oh, no, you're not gonna leave me

to write that script alone.

What do you mean alone-- I'll be there with you.

Oh, no, you're not gonna leave me alone...

Thanks a lot.

You know, I wouldn't mind serving on jury duty.

Ah, it's a drag-- I've done it.

Served for three weeks, wound up with a hung jury.

Let the guy go and hung the jury.

( BOTH LAUGH )

That's pretty bad.

You know, I think it's my duty to go serve on that jury.

You know what's happening? There's too much shirking

of responsibility going on in this country.

ALL: Hear, hear, hear!

Right. It's everybody's responsibility

to help uphold the democratic way of life.

ALL: Yeah, yeah, yes, sir.

After all, when the army called me to serve,

didn't I go?

ALL: Yes, you did!

Ta-da-ta-dum-ta-dum!

And now that this big government

asked me to do this small favor for them,

I think I should serve.

( CLAPPING ) Yeah, yeah.

And do you know why?

Yeah, because you want to get out of writing

next week's script. That's right.

Ah, this looks like it.

Excuse me.

I don't see Rob. I wonder where he is.

Oh, he's probably still in his dressing room backstage.

Or whatever they have like that.

I didn't tell him we were coming--

I thought it might make him nervous.

You know, I have the feeling

Rob always wanted to be a lawyer.

So, he's a comedy writer-- it's practically the same thing.

Listen, Buddy's waiting for me at the office.

I can't stay too long,

maybe six or seven hours at the most.

You know, I've never been in a courtroom before.

This is very exciting.

Yeah, it's like watching "the defenders"

without a TV set.

Do you suppose there will be a lot of "I objects"

and "inconsequentials" and things like that?

Oh, I'm sure there will be.

Oh, thank you.

( GIGGLING )

Who's that?

I don't know-- I didn't get a program.

Gee.

I feel real nervous, Mr. Berger.

Are you sure everything's gonna be all right?

Well, my dear, they couldn't possibly find you guilty.

There are too many men on the jury.

Aw, that's sweet.

Oh, here they come. You better sit down.

I want to talk to the court reporter.

Oh, oh dear.

Eck.

Oh, I, I...

Oh, I, I, uh, I believe this is yours ma'am, miss.

Oh, my-- what a lovely suit.

Thank you very much. Ha, ha.

Are you on the jury?

Uh, yes, yes, I-I'm on the jury, yes.

Isn't that nice.

Well, I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

Well, I don't believe I saw you in the jury room.

That's because I'm not on the jury.

Oh, I see.

You couldn't be the uh, district attorney.

( CHUCKLES )

Oh, no. no, no. I'm the defendant.

Oh, wonderful. Oh...

We're not supposed to be doing this.

Doing what?

Talking and picking each other's lipstick.

Here, good luck. Thank you.

Oh, and the same to you.

My first time on a jury.

WOMAN: Owww!

Oww!

He's the foreman, yet!

Persons in the courtroom will please rise.

Hear ye, hear ye!

This honorable United States District Court

is now in session.

The honorable George M. Tyler presiding.

Please be seated.

United States of America versus Marla Hendricks.

The charge--

attempting to smuggle diamonds into the United States.

Mr. United States attorney, you may proceed.

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the government intends to prove

that the defendant Marla Hendricks

did willfully attempt to smuggle diamonds

into the port of new york to avoid payment of duty.

JUDGE: You may step down.

Is the defense ready to present its case?

We are, your honor.

I'd like to call the defendant, Miss Marla Hendricks

to the stand, please.

Thank you. ( GIGGLES )

Hello.

Hi.

Oh, I-- ( GIGGLES )

Excuse me.

Please raise your right hand.

Well, oh-w-w-would you mind holding this for me, please?

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

to the best of your ability?

I certainly do.

Take the stand. Oh.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thank you.

Your name, please.

Oh, well, everybody knows it-- you just said it,

and, and he just said it, and it's been in all the papers.

Just for the record, please.

Oh, okay. It's Marla Hendricks.

Occupation.

Exotic dancer.

I used to be in an act called "The Harem Girls and Buster".

Buster kept promising me a specialty,

but he never gave it to me.

I object.

So did I.

That's why I left the act and came home to New York.

Miss Hendricks, just answer the questions.

Well, you, you don't blame me, do you?

After all,

a promise is a promise,

and my mother worked very hard on my costumes.

Those zippers are hard to put in.

If you don't put them in just right, they stick.

Well, that's very interesting, Miss Hendricks,

but, now, do you know a Mr. Clark?

I certainly do.

And how did you meet him?

I picked him up on the ship.

You don't mean that, do you?

Objection, your honor.

Counsel is attempting to coach the defendant.

Well, now, your honor, this is just a matter of semantics.

Uh, may I be permitted to have the client clarify?

Well, I'd be anxious to have you try.

Now, Miss Hendricks, this, um, this Mr. Clark,

you, uh, you say you picked him up?

Why, s-sure.

I knocked him down-- playing shuffleboard.

So why shouldn't I pick him up?

Even though I'm a lady, I'm still a gentleman.

JUDGE: Order in the court.

Now tell me, Miss uh, Hendricks--

did Mr. Clark ever ask a favor of you?

Yes.

Yes, he asked me to wear this necklace.

He said it was just costume jewelry

that belonged to his dear departed mother who had died.

You see, his ex-wife was a real witch--

was trying to attach everything he had,

and he wanted to save this necklace

for sentimental reasons. ( GIGGLES )

I love sentiment, don't you?

I was supposed to meet MR. Clark later.

Where?

At his apartment at 485 Linden Street.

I believed him-- wouldn't you?

How was I to know what kind of a man he was?

PROSECUTER: Objection, your honor.

Defendant is attempting to carry on a personal conversation

with the foreman of the jury.

JUDGE: Objection sustained.

Just answer the question, Miss Hendricks.

You may proceed.

Now Miss Hendricks, you had no idea

that you were carrying in diamonds.

Why, of course not!

How could I?

I thought it was just sentimental junk jewelry.

Thank you, Miss Hendricks. No further questions.

Your witness, Mr. Mason.

Thank you, Mr. Berger.

Now Miss Hendricks,

you've seen this necklace before?

What are you doing with those?

They're Mr. Clark's dead mother's.

I think he's got some explaining to do.

So the last time you saw these diamonds

was when you willfully attempted to smuggle them

into the country.

DEFENSE LAWYER: Objection.

JUDGE: Sustained.

Miss Hendricks, you want us to believe that a girl of your...

Sophistication would mistake these priceless diamonds

for common costume jewelry?

You really want us to believe that?

Of course I do!

I'd be some nut not to want you to.

Uh, Miss Hendricks, isn't it true

that this so-called Mr. Clark

wasn't really a total stranger at all?

As a matter of fact, isn't it true

that he was a very close personal friend?

Isn't it also true

that this Mr. Clark might be called your lover?

Oh!

Miss Hendricks, the prosecuting attorney

asked you a question.

I'm not talking to him.

JUDGE: Miss Hendricks!

( BANGS GAVEL ) Order in the court.

Would you please restate the question, Mr. Mason.

Isn't it true that this... No, it is not true!

Mr. Clark was not my lover.

I would never have a boyfriend like Mr. Clark.

He's too short.

I like tall men. ( GIGGLES )

I love basketball players.

PROSECUTER: Miss Hendricks--

there was no Mr. Clark listed in the ship's register.

How do you account for that?

How should I know?

Perhaps because there was no Mr. Clark!

Oh!

( CRYING )

I'll come back when you've finished.

JUDGE: Mr. Foreman...

Please remember this is a court of law

and not a gymnasium.

Oh, thank you.

Are you all right? Yes, thank you very much.

Oh, that, that lovely s-suit.

Thank you so very much.

JUDGE: Miss Hendricks,

you will not personally address the jury.

The court declares a 15-minute recess.

Honey, I'm home.

Darling, how are you?

I'm fine, fine.

Did you hurt yourself?

W-when?

When you fell out of the jury box

because you were gawking at Marla Hendricks.

Oh, my g-- was that on television?

No, it wasn't on television, but you did put on quite a show.

You were in the courtroom today.

Uh-hm.

But, now honey, wait a minute, now wait.

I can explain-- nothing.

Well, s-sit down, honey, now wait.

Sit down.

Now, honey, look-- first of all,

there were 11 other jurors in that box.

And none of them fell out.

I was the only one. W-- I'm the foreman.

Oh, of course. The foreman always falls out.

Rob, why did you ogle her that way?

Now, honey, what was the matter with the way I ogled her?

I me-- I didn't ogle her!

Honey, I would--

I was just watching her testimony.

Watching?

Honey, I'm, if, if I didn't know you better,

I'd say you're acting jealous.

I am not acting, and you don't know me

as better as you think!

What?

Never mind!

Rob, why did you look at her that way?

What way?

You know what way.

Well, honey, I-I-I didn't look at her any differently

than I look at a hundred other women.

Wait, I don't mean that!

Look, the-the defendant was... An interesting-looking girl,

and now all men look at interesting-looking girls,

honey, it's just natural.

Are you coming to court tomorrow?

No. Good!

And I don't think you ought to, either.

What?

I think you ought to resign.

Resign? Well, resign or secede,

or whatever it is you do to quit a jury.

Well, now why should I quit?

Because you're not capable of judging this case fairly.

You're prejudiced.

You're being blinded by statistics.

Statistics? Yes, 36-24-36.

MAN: Eh, if you ask me,

there's nothing to discuss. She's guilty.

WOMAN: I feel sorry for the poor dear.

And why did she have to do a thing like that?

You know, she reminds me of a niece of mine

who ran away to california.

Why is it that some girls are born to get in trouble?

ALL: I don't know.

All right, enough of this yakking.

She's guilty, let's vote, huh?

ALL: All right, yeah, okay.

Let's vote and get out of here.

I don't know what I'm doing here in the first place.

Nine million people in New York, they gotta pick me.

My brother-in-law, Sydney, he's driving my cab.

He's probably stealing me blind.

Let's put her away before he bends the cab.

She's guilty.

ALL: Sure, right.

ROB: Well, folks.

Don't you think we're being a little bit hasty here?

A little. All right. Pass 'em down.

You've got 'em on that side, pass 'em down, please.

All right, here.

I've got, I've got guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty,

five guilties.

Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty,

not guilty?

All right, who's the wiseguy?

WOMAN: Yeah, now look--

I'm a very sympathetic person,

but if a girl does something wrong,

she's gotta pay for it, right?

Right, right. She's guilty.

One of us here voted her innocent.

Now, who was it?

Uh, well, I-I think that uh, uh, who is unimportant here.

Since one of us does disagree, uh,

why don't we review the, the facts of the case?

Oh, my poor cab!

Wait. The longer we wait, the harder it is

on that poor, dear girl. So let's be kind to her

and get her convicted right away, right?

ALL: Yeah.

ROB: We-well, folks,

sometimes things aren't as obvious as they seem.

Now, all we really know about that girl

was she got off the ship

thinking she was wearing costume jewelry.

Now, if she was a professional smuggler,

don't you think she would have done something

more clever than that?

Wait a minute...

You're the one voted her innocent.

Aha. He's the one.

Mr. Petrie, I know you feel sorry for that girl

and so do I,

but if you really want to be kind to her,

put her behind bars.

So, now, look-- I know I may be wrong,

but there's such a thing as intuition.

I got-I got a feeling about this girl.

I'll say you have.

We saw the way you were looking at her during the trial.

What's goin' on here? Huh?

ROB: Nothing's going on.

Well, well, wait a minute.

Weren't you two in back of my cab once?

I think I picked them up by the peppermint lounge.

WWOMAN: The peppermint lounge--

look, if you're in love with the girl, good.

I think it's beautiful-- wait for her!

I'll tell ya. Let's vote.

The sooner she goes to jail, the sooner they'll be together.

That's right.

Wait.

I'm already together. I'm a married man.

ALL: Aw.

Forget it. Oh, forget it.

Forget the whole thing. All I'm saying is,

we haven't even discussed the facts in the case.

Now, let's at least look at the evidence in the trial.

I'll, I'll call for a transcript of the case.

MAN: Transcript?

How do you like that?

Nine million people in New York--

I gotta be on the same jury with Clarence Darrow.

You're so right!

( YAWNING ) Ohhh! Ah.

Did you ever see anything like this in your life?

Eleven hours. Eleven hours!

I never saw such a stubborn foreman.

Look, we're not making a movie here, Mr. Henry Fonda.

We'll make a deal with you.

Vote guilty, and we'll ask the judge

to put her into your custody.

You can adopt her.

Mr. Petrie, did it ever occur to you

that that so-called intuition of yours could be wrong?

It's not!

One question, Mr. Petrie, please, just one question.

Are you a mother?

No.

Aha! Well, I am a mother,

and believe me, a mother's intuition

is better than a tall, skinny comedy writer's.

Anytime, anytime.

I don't even like his show.

Show? That's it!

In front of the television studio--

that's where I picked them up-- him and that smuggler.

Look, I tell you, that girl is innocent.

I know it!

And I'm not gonna be responsible

for sending an innocent girl up the river.

You're never gonna change your vote, are you?

ROB: I'm not gonna vote guilty

as long as there's still--

ALL: A shadow of a doubt, yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Mr. Ted Lewis. Just you and your shadow.

Is everybody happy?

Someplace else, but not here!

Well, as long as that shadow is with me,

I'll stay here forever.

Folks, we might as well face it, that's it.

We're deadlocked.

ALL: Deadlocked.

That's right. Congratulations.

Yeah. I hope you're very proud of yourself.

I am.

Let's go report our verdict to the defendant...

And to the other, uh, duly elected officials.

Oh, uh, hey, Sal, I got it, hold it.

Hold everything-- I got the punch line.

Uh, Alan comes out, and he says,

look, for this big punch,

he says, "put the breakfast in my hat,

and I'll eat it on my way to work."

Or, maybe, uh...

Well, here it is in the evening paper--

"Jury dismissed."

How could 12 supposedly intelligent people

all disagree?

She was obviously guilty.

Wait a minute. I voted her innocent,

and I wasn't even on the jury.

Say Rob, what was the vote?

Men, innocent, women, guilty?

No, for your information, a lot of the men voted guilty.

LAURA: How many?

Well, honey, what difference does it make how many?

Do we, do we have any more coffee?

Rob, your cup is full.

Oh, how about that?

Well?

Well what?

How many men voted her guilty?

I, uh, forgot, honey.

All right, then.

How many men voted her innocent?

Uh, well.

That is, besides you.

Well, let's see, there was me...

And there was that cab driver there...

He voted not guilty?

Well, not exactly.

He voted guilty?

Well, uh, yeah,

something like that, honey.

I don't remember all the details of it,

and you know...

( TELEPHONE RINGING )

Uh, the telephone is ringing, Mrs. D.A.

Hello? Oh, hello, Miss Hendricks.

♪ Do-do-do-dah-do-do-do

Yes, I'm Mrs. Petrie.

Oh?

If it weren't for my husband alone,

you'd be in jail?

Eleven to one?

Lousy odds!

Well, no, don't thank me.

He's the one you should thank.

Just a minute-- I'll get him.

It's your defendant, darling-- Marla Hendricks.

Y-yes, thank you, honey.

Eh, gee, I wonder what she wants.

Hello, yes, Miss Hendricks.

This is quite a surprise.

Yeah.

No, no, you're not, you're not disturbing me.

I'm just, uh chatting with a few friends...

And my wife.

Why, no, I-- ( GIGGLES )

It's silly.

Well, okay.

( WHISPERING ) A gray suit with a black tie.

She, she likes the way I dress.

I'm so happy for you.

Uh, Miss uh, Miss Hendricks,

why did you, why did you call? Oh, listen.

No thanks are necessary.

I-I just thought you were innocent, that's all.

Uh, you, you were innocent, weren't you?

No, I didn't.

When?

Oh, well, I-I appreciate your call

and tell me, Miss Hendricks.

You-you're quite welcome.

Yes, good-bye.

Uh, uh, have a nice trip.

Uh, she's going away.

What a shame.

We, uh, we missed the evening newscast.

How about that--

I wondered why the evening seemed so empty.

Rob, are you going to tell us what was in that newscast

or do we have to wait for the morning paper?

Well, Marla Hendricks has been proven innocent.

How?

Well, uh, seems she made a teensy-weensy little mistake

in her testimony.

You remember Mr. Clark of 485 Linden Street?

Uh-hm.

The guy that was supposed to have given her the jewelry?

That's right.

She suddenly remembered that Mr. Clark of 485 Linden Street

was Mr. Linden of 485 Clark Street.

Well!

The police went and checked up on her story

and they found him.

Oh!

And that was about all the news she had

except that she was going back with Buster and the Harem Girls

if she could remember what country they're in.

Well, friends, don't you think

maybe a few apologies are in order here?

Yes?

ALL: I'm sorry, buddy.

Hey, come on, you guys.

Well, that's all you deserve!

Yeah, well, you're probably right, honey.

You know, I did prove one thing, though--

that when it comes to voluptuous,

beautiful, gorgeous women,

the instinct of a skinny comedy writer

is better than that of a mother.

You can say that again!

If he does, I'll kill him!

When it comes to a beautiful, gorgeous,

voluptuous woman... Robert Simpson Petrie,

don't you...

( MUSIC PLAYING )