The Dick Van Dyke Show (1961–1966): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Sleeping Brother - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: The Dick Van Dyke Show!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( BANJO STRUMMING )

( BACKGROUND SINGING )

He's at it again!

Honey, will you go make up his bed?

All right.

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ♪ Hello roses hello dew

♪ Hello bluebird

Hi. Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Stace. Hi ya, Burford.



It's nap time.

Look, what do you want to hear?

Sit down right here. You got any requests?

How about sleepy time in the den?

Oh, that's a good one.

♪ When it's sleepy time in the den... ♪

Nap time.

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ♪ It's nap time in the

♪ It's nap time in the

Hi, Laura.

Bed's all made up.

Oh, good. I'll trade you a banjo for a pillow.

No, I better keep it. I might want to play myself awake.

Excuse me.



Quiet out there I'm trying to go to sleep.

Hey, that's a funny guy.

Is he always that funny around the house?

Uh, only sometimes, Jerry.

Is he, isn't he going to do anymore?

Uh, no, that's it.

Isn't he going to come out?

Uh, no.

What's going on?

Sit down, Jerry.

Rob, do you think you ought to tell him?

Tell me what?

Look, Jerry, if I tell you,

will you please not spread it all over the neighborhood?

I promise. what?

Well, didn't you notice that my brother Stace

was acting a little strangely just now?

Well, yeah, but I thought he was joking.

Well, yeah, he was joking, all right,

but he was also acting that way because he has a problem.

Problem?

Yeah, and he thought he had it licked, too,

but obviously he hasn't.

Well, what's his problem?

You just saw it!

What did I see? What?

Jer, you just saw a demonstration of sleepwalking.

You mean, your brother's a sleepwalker?

One of the greatest sleepwalkers in history.

You mean that just now Stacey was...

BOTH: sound asleep.

Rob, are you asking me to believe

that your brother just did that whole funny bit for me

while he was asleep?

Well, it's true. Laura, is he kidding?

No, he's not kidding, Jerry.

What do you suppose causes it?

Well, he's gonna be

released from the Army where he's been safe and secure,

and he's gonna have to go out into the world,

and he wants so much to be a comedian

and he just doesn't have the confidence to be one.

Confidence?

He looked pretty confident to me.

Oh, well, when he's asleep, he's confident,

but when he's awake, he's a scared rabbit.

He's got to audition for Alan Brady tomorrow,

and he's got to do it awake.

Can he perform like that when he's awake?

Oh, no, he can't.

That's hard to believe.

Hey, how can you tell when he's sleepwalking?

Oh, well that's easy

when he's asleep, he's outgoing.

He calls everyone Burford

and he doesn't wear his glasses,

and when he's awake, he's shy and timid.

( BANJO STRUMMING )

there he goes again.

He sure sounds funny.

Are you sure he's not awake?

No, he's asleep.

If only he could be that good when he's awake.

You mean, he doesn't know how he is

when he's asleep?

He's never heard himself!

( BANJO STRUMMING )

hey!

Honey, will you plug this in?

Jerry? Yeah.

Get that stool and put it out in the middle of the floor.

Plug it in why? Just plug it in.

Your seat's right there in the middle of the floor.

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ( BACKGROUND SINGING )

hey, Stace... Hi ya, Burford.

It's showtime.

Oh, good.

It's showtime, and I'm your favorite performer.

Okay, everybody around the stage.

Everybody get around here, make a big circle,

and I'll play a little banjo songbook.

What's that?

Oh, we're broadcasting, Stace.

Oh, good. Hi, Mom.

( CHUCKLES )

for my first number, I'd like to do

a medley of banjo songs

that you don't get a chance to hear on the banjo too often,

and you can all be pretty glad of that.

And here it is.

( BANJO STRUMMING )

♪ Well won't you come home Bill Bailey ♪

♪ Won't you come home?

♪ I moaned all day long yeah

This fella goes up to a guy on the street

and he says, "Say,"

he says, "can you give me 15 cents for a sandwich?"

And the guy says, "I don't know

let me see a sandwich.

( CHUCKLES )

on the street.

( BANJO STRUMMING )

♪ Well won't you come home bill bailey ♪

♪ Won't you come home?

♪ I moaned all day long yeah

♪ I'll do the cooking, honey.

♪ I'll pay the rent.

♪ I know I done you...

...goes up to a guy in the street, and he says, "Say,"

he says, "say, can you give me 15 cents for a sandwich?"

And the guy says, "I don't know

let me see a sandwich."

♪ Bill Bailey won't you please come home ♪

( CLAPPING )

huh! Is that good? Yeah.

Stace, that's the way you sound when you're asleep.

Now I want you to sound that way when you're awake.

Would you please try it once?

Oh, I don't know.

Just try it.

Okay.

I'll see what I...

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ♪ Hm, hm, won't you... Won't you... ♪

♪ Come there, come on, come on, hm, hm... ♪

♪ Won't, won't you come... Won't you come ♪

Could I hear it again, Rob?

Oh, sure, Stace.

Won't you come home,

Bill Bailey, won't you come home?

I moaned the whole day long.

Okay.

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ♪ Won't come on

♪ Come here won't...

( BANJO STRUMMING ) ♪ Come on home

♪ Come here come on hm won't you... ♪

♪ Won't you come, won't

I don't think he's gonna come home, Rob.

Hey, I just remembered.

I've got company for dinner tonight.

I don't want to keep them waiting.

Hey, uh, Stace good luck on your audition, huh.

Everything will be just fine.

See you later.

( DOOR CLOSES )

i, I don't, uh, think I'm ready to audition, Rob.

Doggone it, Stacey. You're a funny guy.

Yeah, asleep I'm a riot.

I don't care asleep or awake

Stace, that was you on the tape.

That was you at the party the other night.

You were great!

Yeah, I'm great on tapes and at parties,

but not for auditioning for big stars like Alan Brady.

Rob, I, I, I really appreciate

what you're trying to do,

but I just can't go through with it.

Stace, the other night, here in the living room,

you were fabulous.

Yeah, but I was asleep, and I wasn't doing an audition,

and it was a party.

Yeah...party.

Believe me, Rob, we'd both be better off

if we'd call this whole thing off.

Can't even keep my foot tapping right to the music...

I'm not gonna call off the audition.

Rob, maybe you better.

I don't think you're ever gonna get him downtown

to that audition.

All right, honey, we'll get Alan Brady out here

and audition him in the living room.

Well, darling, what difference does it make where it is?

The point is he's too frightened.

Honey, he might just bust out of it.

Somewhere deep inside of that boy is a real performer,

and when a performer gets up in front of an audience,

those little adrenal glands

start pumping confidence into him.

What audience?

We are gonna throw a barbecued rib dinner party

tomorrow night.

We're gonna have a few neighbors in,

we're gonna entertain, you and I,

and we'll get Buddy and Sally to do something...

And you know where Alan Brady is gonna be sitting?

Right in his penthouse playing poker

it's his poker night. I forgot.

How could we get him up here?

Uh, honey, you start defrosting ribs.

I'll think of something. I'll get him up here.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

You guys try to understand, for this party to be a success,

I've got to have Alan Brady there.

But why? All he does is sit around and smoke cigars

and kick his feet on the coffee table.

Yeah, and wait for us to entertain.

Well, it's for a good cause.

What, are you running a benefit or something?

Yeah, you might call it a benefit

to help wipeout sleepwalking.

Rob, do you really think

your brother will stop walking in his sleep

if he auditions for Alan tonight?

Well, he might since his doctor thinks

that the somnambulism is a symptomatic manifestation

of a compulsive frustration.

You gonna let him talk to me like that?

Rob, does that mean that Stacey is too chicken

to audition when he's awake?

That's right, so tonight what we're gonna try to do is

force the issue on him.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Symptomatic frustration.

What kind of talk is that for a comedy writer?

Yeah, you keep that up,

you'll wind up on a hospital show.

Rob, Rob, I just left Alan's office...

I wish you just left this one.

Mel, what did he say? Will he come tonight?

Well, I, uh, haven't asked him yet.

You see, when I went into his office,

he was on the phone trying to arrange

his weekly poker game.

Well, did he arrange it?

Oh, not yet.

No, four of his regulars dropped out.

They were going to a party.

I know, I invited them to my house.

He replaced them

at least he replaced three of them.

He still needs one more.

You know he won't play unless he has six hands.

Six hands...

Reminds me of a boyfriend I once had.

Mel, there is still a chance then

that the game might be called off, huh?

A very, very slight chance.

Yeah, well, don't worry.

Alan will get another hand

as long as he has a cringing brother-in-law

who's so afraid of his job, he keeps "Yes, sir,"

"I'll marry your sister," "I'll play poker,"

"I'll do anything you want." Right, Goldilocks?

Hey, Mel, is that it?

He asked you to play poker tonight?

Well...yes, he did.

Well, Mel, I asked you to my place first.

And I'm a witness.

Yeah, but he's a coward.

Oh, come on. That's not fair.

Just because Mel is Alan's brother-in-law

doesn't mean he'd do an unethical thing

like accept a poker invitation

after he promised to come to my house.

He wouldn't do a thing like that, would he?

All: Oh, yes, he would.

Get me Alan Brady.

Oh, this I gotta see.

Don't worry, he'll chicken out.

Alan, about uh, tonight's poker game

well, I called--

that is, I, you see, Alan I have a, a...

That's telling him, curly. I...

I already accepted an invitation to Rob Petrie's,

and I won't be able to play poker with you tonight.

Well, I, I don't know, Alan.

He's right here. Ask him yourself...

He wants to know why he wasn't invited.

Oh.

Hi, Alan. Yeah, well, listen.

As a matter of fact, I was gonna invite you,

but you usually play po--

wa-- I'd love to have you.

Oh, fine, Alan.

Bye.

Mel, thanks a million. You did it!

Naturally.

I'm not as ill-equipped to handle situations

as some people think I am.

Not ill-equipped, overequipped, blubber mouth.

What time would you like me to be there, Rob?

How about just as we're leaving?

Mel, about 8:30.

I'll be there. yuck!

( DIALING PHONE ) better call Laura

and tell her the boss is coming.

She may want to repaint a room or something.

Did you ever notice that whenever Mel comes into a room,

the whole world brightens up...

Not here, the world.

Honey hey, it's all set.

Alan will be there tonight, and uh,

Buddy and Sally have promised to do something.

ALL: ♪ By the light of the silvery moon ♪

♪ Moontoodoon....

They've started already.

See you soon. bye.

Now, what else can we do to help besides performing,

you know, and getting Stacey up to entertain?

Nothing, let's just hope that he stays awake

and doesn't start the sleepwalking bit again.

Well, leave that to me, Rob.

When Sally Rogers sings,

nobody sleeps and nobody walks.

( PLAYING PIANO ) ♪ All my dreams are over

♪ And now I'm wide awake

♪ With a lonesome feeling and a constant ache ♪

♪ Living with my memories just for oldtime's sake ♪

♪ Crying my heart out for you

♪ Well I hope you'll be my tender in your next affair ♪

♪ Trust you'll think of me dear when you've time to spare ♪

♪ Hoping you'll be happy is my only prayer ♪

♪ Crying out my heart for you

♪ Your heart may ache you friends may forsake you ♪

♪ Sometimes it happens that way ♪

♪ But I'm so for you

♪ I'll always adore you I love you I love you ♪

♪ What more can I say?

♪ I was just a scholar made for you to teach ♪

♪ Searching for someone someone I couldn't reach ♪

♪ But now I'm just a pebble on a lonely beach ♪

♪ Crying out my heart for you

♪ Your heart may ache you friends may forsake you ♪

♪ Sometimes it happens that way but I'm so for you ♪

♪ I'll always adore you I love you love you love you ♪

♪ What more can I say?

♪ I was just a scholar made for you to teach ♪

♪ Searching for someone someone I couldn't reach ♪

♪ But now I'm just a pebble on a lonely beach ♪

♪ Crying out my heart for you

♪ There's no need to tell you ♪

♪ For I am crying out my heart for you ♪

( applause )

hey, now, boss, boss,

she's not throwing kisses at you

she's just in love with her hands.

Aw, come on.

Where else you gonna get singing writers?

Hey, or cello playing writers?

You brought your cello!

Good.

( CROWD SHOUTS )

All right. Give me a chair, hard head.

( indistinct ) right here.

Good. Hey, you say you want some entertainment?

You say you want a little music?

You're gonna get as little as possible.

Here we go.

Tada!

Peanuts! Popcorn! Chewing gum! Candy!

A prize in every package!

Stolen refrigerators! Get 'em while they're hot!

Oh, darling, I love you.

You're the only woman in all the world for me.

And I love you, darling.

You're the only man in all the world for me.

Folks, you've just been listening to Adam and Eve.

I'm gonna do a joke for the boss's tailor.

Somebody ask me to stand up.

All: Stand up!

Okay, all right.

This, this is the boss's tailor, see.

And a fellow goes in to buy a suit,

and he's looking at himself in the mirror like this,

and the jacket's hanging way down like this,

and the tailor is over his shoulder.

He says, "How do you like the suit?"

The guy says, "Pretty good, but what's this hanging down?"

Ah, what are you worried about the hanging down here

just pull the jacket up like this,

hold your chin over the lapel like that,

it's gorgeous, see.

So he's walking down the street like this,

and a friend of his meets him.

He says, "Where'd you get this suit?

What, did they give you a ukulele with it or something?"

"What's the matter with it?"

He says, "Look how it flares out on the side."

This he doesn't even notice either.

Back to the tailor.

He says, "What are you worried about the flare now

if you take the jacket like that,

hold your hand across your stomach

gorgeous, gorgeous."

Now he's walking down the street like this.

( CHUCKLES )

he meets another guy, and the guy says,

"Run for the hills with that suit, kid.

They're gonna capture you."

"What's the matter with it?"

He says, "what's the matter? The pants are too long!"

Back to the tailor.

"What are you worried about the pants

you hold 'em like this gorgeous, gorgeous."

Now get this.

Gorgeous is walking down the street like this, see,

and two doctors go by.

One of them looked over. ( CHUCKLES )

he says, "I don't know what's wrong with that fella

but don't the suit fit nice."

( APPLAUSE )

Don't be discouraged, don't be discouraged.

There's a lot of fun coming up

because everybody's gonna get up and do something.

Huh, how about it?

But first, something for the music lovers.

You ready? All righty.

Excuse me, excuse me.

He's the only guy in the room with taste.

There goes another one. Must be an old Indian trail

running through here.

What's going on in the kitchen?

Oh, I'm sorry, Buddy.

Laura asked me to check her ribs.

Oh, when you get through, doctor,

I've got an ingrown toenail...

Can you play something, Buddy?

All right. Something classical.

Tchaikovsky's Second Movement for Nonpayment of Rent.

( PLAYS CELLO )

Hey, Stace. What are you doing in here?

You're missing all the entertainment.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, Laura and I are gonna do something pretty soon.

Who else is gonna entertain?

Well, uh, anybody who'd like to get up

and do something.

Uh, if you'd like to get up, you can.

Uh, I don't, Rob. I, I really don't.

Look, Stace, tonight might be the perfect time.

It's just a party.

Alan Brady is nice and relaxed.

He doesn't expect anything.

Now if you got up and did your act...

I couldn't, Rob.

Look, would you mind if I went to my room

and stretched out for a little bit?

Uh, Stace.

You're, uh, not gonna go to sleep, are you?

No, don't worry. I won't embarrass you, Rob.

I'm, I'm too upset to sleep and too tired to walk.

I'm sorry I let you down, Rob.

Look, you're not letting me down,

you're letting you down.

Nah, I can't help it.

I'll, I'll go in the back way so I won't disturb your guests.

( APPLAUSE )

and folks, to think

I only studied for five years in London,

10 years in Paris, and 15 years in vain.

Now what would you like me to play?

Yeah, how about playing some pinochle?

What key?

Hey, look who's back. How's your wife's ribs?

Hmm.

Now before I play this next sensational number,

I gotta put a little rosin on the bow.

I know this chicken fat don't seem to hold anymore.

Where is he?

He's in his room. He's not gonna perform.

That was the whole idea of the party, wasn't it?

Yes, and he knows it.

All right, now here comes

the big, flashy finish, you ready?

( PLAYS CELLO )

( APPLAUSE )

Thank you, Zorro.

Kemosabe...

Well, that concludes

our little series of Shakespearean plays.

And now, back to the entertainment.

We have a young, talented soldier here who is--

( CLEARS THROAT )

uh, uh, oh, no, we don't have a young...

But we do have his not-too-young

and not-too-talented older brother

and his very lovely wife

who just had her ribs checked.

They have chosen a medley of about 42,000 son--

what are you gonna sing?

I don't know, what would you guys like to hear?

How about "Mountain Greenery?"

Oh, what wonderful taste, honey.

They want "Mountain Greenery."

Not really. Yeah.

Hey, Jerry, can we have some stools?

( indistinct ).

Okay, get the stools out here.

All right, fellas, we're gonna sing,

uh, "Mountain Greenery."

What are you gonna play?

( MUSIC PLAYING )

♪ Mountain greenery

♪ Oooh what scenery in our mountain greenery ♪

♪ Where God paints the scenery

♪ Just two crazy people together ♪

♪ Always together

♪ When you love your lover

♪ Let blues skies be your coverlet ♪

♪ When it rains we'll laugh at the weather ♪

♪ And if you're good ♪ And if I'm good

♪ I'll search for wood ♪ You'll search for wood

♪ So you can cook ♪ So I can cook

♪ While I stand look

♪ While you stand by just looking ♪

♪ Beans could get no keener reception in a beanery ♪

♪ Bless our mountain greenery home! ♪

♪ In a mountain greenery where God paints the scenery ♪

♪ Ooowee ooowee ooo what scenery ♪

♪ Just we two crazy people together ♪

♪ While you love your lover let blue skies be your cover ♪

♪ And when it rains we'll laugh at the weather ♪

♪ And if you're good

♪ And if I'm good

♪ I'll search for wood

♪ You'll search for wood

♪ So you can cook ♪ So I can cook

♪ While I stand look

♪ While you stand by just looking ♪

♪ Beans could get no keener reception in a beanery ♪

♪ Bless our mountain greenery ooh, what crazy scenery ♪

♪ Bless our mountain greenery home ♪

♪ Beedoobee beedoobeedoodoo ♪

♪ Beedoobeebee

( APPLAUSE )

Okay, folks, that's, that's just about it.

No, that's not quite it, Burford.

( indistinct )

( APPLAUSE )

I haven't played my banjo for your guests, yet.

Hi, guests.

Hi, Mr. Burford. How are you?

Aha, how are you?

I like your show, but you need me.

Hahaha!

Folks, I'd like to do--

I do what we call a banjo playing act.

Now, I figure it's my act,

and I can call it what I want to call it.

( STRUMMING BANJO ) ♪ Won't you come home

♪ Bill bailey won't you come home? ♪

♪ I moaned all day long

♪ Yeah

♪ I'll do the cooking honey I'll pay the rent ♪

♪ I know I done you wrong

♪ Yeah yeah yeah

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have with us tonight,

one of the newest rock 'n' roll singing sensations.

Here he is, the new teenage rage,

Skid Row.

You'll have to ...take centerstage here.

Get that outta

give me a little rock 'n' roll music, okay.

A little rock 'n' roll music. Hey, is he asleep?

He sure is!

( MUSIC PLAYING )

( APPLAUSE )

( indistinct )

( indistinct )

I wanna say to y'all, I wanna say to y'all...

I wanna say... Hold it there,

we ain't ready to sing yet.

I wanna say, uh, I wanna say, uh, I wanna say, uh,

what, what do I wanna say?

I wanna say I want to do a number

a number here from my latest album

called "Music to Strip Cars by".

They had, uh,

( CHUCKLES ) oh, Rob, he's funny.

I wish he was awake.

I wanna say one thing to all you parents

the way I feel about a lot of you parents

been telling your teenage daughters and sons

not to listen to this kind of music,

and I don't like that.

Everybody that listens to music has got their--ah

everybody has got--

everybody that listens to music got their own

everybody has got their own opinion.

Eh, has got their own opinuh, opinyun,

have got their own opin--, yer have got their own opinyun,

I got my, uh I got my opinyun,

and you got your opin--opinyun.

The way you feel. The way I, uh I don't think,

I don't think you outta listen to Leonard Bernstein.

( indistinct )

from my album,

a little number go, uh, it go,

uh, somethin' like this...

( PIANO PLAYING )

it go exactly like this.

♪ Well we're gonna rock rock rock ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna roll roll roll ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna go go go ♪

♪ Everybody what a hand you're gonna give me ♪

♪ When you see the way I shimmy ♪

♪ Gonna rock rock rock gonna rock rock rock ♪

♪ Everybody's gonna ( indistinct ) ♪

♪ Roll roll roll gonna rock rock ♪

♪ Yeah ( indistinct )

For my next number...

I'm gonna, I'm gonna do another ballad...

Bleh, and here it is my biggest hit of all...

( PLAYS PIANO )

♪ My heart told me that I should get a wife ♪

♪ My heart said I was in a rut, oooh ♪

♪ My heart told me that I should get a wife ♪

♪ I wish my heart would keep its big mouth shut! ♪

♪ Oh, I got me some winners ♪

♪ And I won't keep on singin' that kind o' music ♪

♪ And you can tell Elvis and Ricky to stay outta my way ♪

♪ Because I'm begging you tonight here baby ♪

( indistinct )

( APPLAUSE )

Rob, Rob, Rob! Uh, I'd like--

Rob, I want that boy to do that on our show.

You think you could arrange that?

Oh, of course he can.

Well, I, I, I'm not, uh, I, I don't know.

Oh, sure you can Alan wants him.

Well, I'll, I'll talk to him, Alan.

You do that. I like that boy!

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Ahahaha.

( MUSIC PLAYING )

Hot, hot dog!

Hey, hi ya, Burford. How was I?

Well, you were very good.

You want to lie down for awhile, Stace?

I'm not a bit tired, Laura, and you know what else I'm not?

What?

I'm not asleep, Rob.

You're not? W-when did you wake up?

I was awake for that whole audition.

You mean, you weren't sleepwalking out there?

No, I was wide awake, and I was good!

Well, how in the world did you do it, Stace?

Well, I made up my mind last night

I was going to listen to that tape recorder,

and I listened to it and made up my mind

I was gonna impersonate myself and be like me.

ROB: Well, that was--

that was a great impression of yourself.

Listen, you know, I think you got this sleepwalking licked.

If you can do an impersonation of this guy when you're awake,

you won't be doing him in your sleep!

You know Alan Brady said you were terrific.

He wants you to be on his show.

Hot dog!

You think you can do it?

Guys, I can do that guy anyplace!

( STRUMMING BANJO )

♪ Won't you come home Bill Bailey ♪

♪ Won't you come home...

( STRUMMING BANJO )

♪ I know I done you wrong

( APPLAUSE )

( MUSIC PLAYING )